Author Topic: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)  (Read 1665969 times)

tiermat

  • According to Jane, I'm a Unisex SpaceAdmin
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #175 on: August 22, 2008, 01:09:19 pm »
I'm sure this has probably been done before (and most probably by me, amongst others).

Agencies, when you are sending out junk mail about permanent position, please check two things:
1) whether I am looking for perm work
2) Look at a damn map, they are easily available from most good newsagents, or failing that, try looking at maps.google.co.uk.  No way on this earth would I be interested in a permanent position with DUDLEY Council, when I live in North Yorkshire.

Oh and putting "Please accept my apologies if this is not relevant to you" does not mean you don't have to do any research first you muppet...
I feel like Captain Kirk, on a brand new planet every day, a little like King Kong on top of the Empire State

TheLurker

  • Goes well with magnolia.
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #176 on: August 22, 2008, 01:14:44 pm »
I'm sure this has probably been done before (and most probably by me, amongst others).

Agencies, when you are sending out junk mail about permanent position, please check two things:
<snip>
Oh and putting "Please accept my apologies if this is not relevant to you" does not mean you don't have to do any research first you muppet...
Hoh yes! +10
Τα πιο όμορφα ταξίδια γίνονται με τις δικές μας δυνάμεις - Φίλοι του Ποδήλατου

PaulF

  • "World's Scariest Barman"
  • It's only impossible if you stop to think about it
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #177 on: August 22, 2008, 01:31:56 pm »
To all those ladies who wait until the cashier tells them how much the bill is before they casually search through several thousand bags and pockets to find their purses, stopping on many many occasions to announce to all and sundry that 'it is in here somewhere ...' , then rummage through the coins to get that last penny: 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's better  ;D

and then, only once they have their change do they start to put their purchases in a shopping bag!

Robbo5

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #178 on: August 22, 2008, 02:44:40 pm »
TV interviewers who approach someone who has just had a particularly traumatic or upsetting experience stick a camera and micriphone in said persons face and say "How are you feeling now "what a stupid question you dont have to be brain of fucking Britain to work out how they must be feeling.

I had one do that to me, after my brother was killed. It was the only time I have told a complete stranger to "F*** off!".

Robbo5

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #179 on: August 22, 2008, 02:45:45 pm »
SNCF, Sort your website out, now!

rower40

  • Not my boat. Now sold.
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #180 on: August 22, 2008, 02:51:45 pm »
To anyone using the roads in North Cornwall on the Friday/Saturday before the August Bank Holiday in search of surfing beaches, waves, etc.

It's Full.  There's nowhere to park.  You've only ventured out because the sun has started to shine.

And you're just blocking the road for my car-full of provisions which are in need of a deep-freeze.  One stretch of the B3276 (Padstow to Newquay) ground to such a halt today at one of the extremely-narrow bits, because the double-decker (service) bus met a luxury coach coming the other way, and the following surfboard-topped "dude"-wagens were so quick to fill any available inch of space that neither bus could reverse.

Ok, I'm here on holiday too.  But my grandfather bought this place in 1938, so yah boo I was here first...
Be Naughty; save Santa a trip

Nienke

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #181 on: August 22, 2008, 03:02:58 pm »
To the slow walking people of this world,

I realise it's not your fault, not really. You are just naturally comfortable with a lower walking speed and that's fine. The fact that you are always in the way of the faster walking people, instead of the other way around, is purely coincidental, I know. However, I would like to ask you to occasionally be a teensy bit more considerate. As you probably don't know, it is really extremely frustrating to be forced to walk slower than ones normal speed. Therefore, please do not make it even more awkward for us to overtake you by:

- walking exactly in the middle of the pavement
- veering from one side to the other unexpectedly just when one of us is trying to subtly slip past
- speeding up halfway through the overtake so the maneouvre takes a looooong time
- when in a group, spreading out sideways, thus forming an impenetrable wall of slowness
- suddenly standing still for no apparent reason at a point where overtaking is impossible thus blocking the pavement completely
- responding to a polite 'excuse me' only after more than 5 seconds and/or by moving the wrong way

I can assure you that your cooperation would be greatly appreciated by all of us fasties (especially those of us with appointments or trains to catch), and would greatly reduce overall pedestrian feelings of aggression.

Kindest regards, etc etc

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #182 on: August 22, 2008, 03:05:18 pm »
B3276

I've cycled that road. Ugh it's hilly. :)
"Yes please" said Squirrel "biscuits are our favourite things."

Jaded

  • The Codfather
  • Formerly known as Jaded
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #183 on: August 23, 2008, 12:08:13 am »
Oi! Turn those fking Fog Lights off!


If you don't like your democracy, vote against it.

Elleigh

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #184 on: August 23, 2008, 12:17:44 am »
It's coz they looks kwel innit!

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #185 on: August 24, 2008, 11:14:24 am »
Dear ViaMichelin

You want me dead, don't you? I find that a little harsh - I mean, just because I happened to be using your route planner to plan a cycling route - there's no reason to get me killed.

What evidence do I have of this accusation I hear you ask? Well, try entering these details on your site:

From: Necton
To: Sudbury
Options - Via Bury St Edmunds, Bike route.

Lo and Behold, a route that traverses the very heart of the Stanford Warren MOD live firing ranges. Why not just direct me to the M1 - that would at least be safer...?

fuzzy (retd.) AAGE

  • SWMBO's Toy Boy.
  • Apprentice Leathery Old Git
    • The Secret Cyclist blog
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #186 on: August 24, 2008, 07:23:51 pm »
Dear ViaMichelin

You want me dead, don't you? I find that a little harsh - I mean, just because I happened to be using your route planner to plan a cycling route - there's no reason to get me killed.

What evidence do I have of this accusation I hear you ask? Well, try entering these details on your site:

From: Necton
To: Sudbury
Options - Via Bury St Edmunds, Bike route.

Lo and Behold, a route that traverses the very heart of the Stanford Warren MOD live firing ranges. Why not just direct me to the M1 - that would at least be safer...?

Thats not an attempt on your life. That is an attempt to enliven it ;)
Quote from: tatanab
The mark of a true cyclist - prepared to try anything on offer

If it ain't bad for you it ain't worth doing

Julian

  • samoture
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #187 on: August 26, 2008, 12:39:52 pm »
You did WHAT?

You really are a jumped-up, snotty little cockweasel, and I'm pleased I no longer have to work with you even if it does mean you've just landed a huge pile of utter shit on my desk the week before I go on holiday.

But while I'm at it, who the bloody hell do you think you are?  I don't arrange my team's appointments because it's condescending, not always convenient, and assumes a hierarchy which I'm not all that keen on.  But that hierarchy does still exist, so what made you think you could organise appointments for me?  Was that the benefit of your ONE MONTH's experience?  Or was it the intelligence you acquired through your third in business studies from the University of [name deleted to protect the university]?  Or was it simple malice, in which case:  congratulations on spending your Saturday booking new clients for me.  It worked brilliantly and I now want to chop your nadgers off, feed them to you, and then pass you to Mr Larrington along with a fridge full of cornettos.

And as for your rank stupidity in deciding it would be a good idea to bring your girlfriend in with you to help you with your work.  Have you heard of the concept of confidentiality?  You now know I'm not trusting you with your own keys to the office again.  Quite frankly, I wouldn't trust you with the keys to your own front door. 

A pox upon you, you utter, fuckwitted, cockeyed, arsemonkey.

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #188 on: August 26, 2008, 01:00:08 pm »
People who can't use toilets.

This applies to men rather than women.

When you go for a pee, get your willy out and point it at the receptacle provided for you. It's that easy. If I can p!ss straight after 10 pints of Stella, why are you peeing all over the floor? It really isn't that difficult. And how on Earth did you manage to get p!ss half way up the wall?

Going for a crap. Easy. Drop your kecks, sit down, poo, do all the necessary hygienic things and leave. It should take no more than a couple of minutes! What are you doing in there? Reading The Times Educational Suppliment? The complete works of Shakespeare? Get on with it!

And to whoever it was at Mildenhall who managed to crap sideways - you're obviously a freak. At least clean up after yourself rather than leaving a crap splattered bog for the next person.

*Goes to use the lavatory in a normal fashion*
Those wonderful norks are never far from my thoughts, oh yeah!

Julian

  • samoture
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #189 on: August 26, 2008, 01:05:04 pm »
That reminds me of another bugbear...

Women, when you use a public loo, please remember that your skin is an effective barrier to most germs.  If, however, you are so terribly precious that you can't bear to park your bottom where another bottom may have been, then please have the grace not to piss all over the seat while you hover.  ::-)

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #190 on: August 26, 2008, 01:12:35 pm »
Have you never had a twin-jet?    ;)

Not since I was 9.
Those wonderful norks are never far from my thoughts, oh yeah!

PaulF

  • "World's Scariest Barman"
  • It's only impossible if you stop to think about it
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #191 on: August 29, 2008, 04:00:13 pm »
Orange France Wireless Broadband - why say on the registration page that you'll e-mail me my password so that I can logon to your service. The whole point of using your service is so that I can check my e-mail now, not when I get home

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #192 on: August 29, 2008, 08:37:58 pm »
Dear Neighbour,

Whilst I understand you are a farmer, and the fields around us are your factory floor, and whilst I completely understand that this time of year is your busiest time, and that this year has been particularly difficult thanks to the non-arrival of summer...

Please. I beg of you.

Fix the silencer on your tractor. I can hear you coming down the lane from at least 1km away; in this warm humid weather, we need a lot of windows open here which means we can hear pretty much everything that happens for a 5km radius.

I appreciate the fact that you have to work at 3am. I sympathise, I really do.

Just fix your fucking tractor. Please. Pretty Please. With cherries on top.

Cheers.

Jaded

  • The Codfather
  • Formerly known as Jaded
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #193 on: August 30, 2008, 12:25:57 am »
Three.

When you take away a big part of your service, please don't be surprised that a number of your customers will take umbrage and close their accounts. You might like to think back to why those customers took those accounts out.

They wanted data. They had data.

You took it away and that made them VERY CROSS.

By all means charge your 'Cancellation Fee', however you should expect something similar in return.
If you carry on you will then find out how good Google is at revealing your bad customer service secrets
If you don't like your democracy, vote against it.

ABlipInContinuity

Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #194 on: August 30, 2008, 12:47:12 am »
And to whoever it was at Mildenhall who managed to crap sideways - you're obviously a freak. At least clean up after yourself rather than leaving a crap splattered bog for the next person.


I laughed very hard at this.
Humour very much in the lavatory.

tiermat

  • According to Jane, I'm a Unisex SpaceAdmin
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #195 on: September 01, 2008, 10:04:59 am »
To the group of six riders from Stockton Wheelers, out for a jaunt yesterday.

1) Don't sulk when the person you passed cathes you from a standing start, even if he is on a lowly Claud Butler, and you are all on carbon fibre bling bikes.
2) When said person asks if he can "borrow" a wheel for a few minutes, a simple yes or no will suffice, not blanking said person.
3) the roads are public roads, and just because you are going a particular way and the previously mentioned person goes that way does not mean he is tagging along.
4) When the person at the back of the group shouts "car up" and then "2 cars up" please remeber the highway code and allow the cars through, you are not doing yourselves, or any other cyclists any favours at all by spreading yourselves out further across the road.
I feel like Captain Kirk, on a brand new planet every day, a little like King Kong on top of the Empire State

Wowbagger

  • Dez's butler
    • Musings of a Gentleman Cyclist
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #196 on: September 01, 2008, 10:07:44 am »
Have you conveyed your displeasure to s.o. in the Stockton Wheelers?
Oh, Bach without any doubt. Bach every time for me.

tiermat

  • According to Jane, I'm a Unisex SpaceAdmin
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #197 on: September 01, 2008, 10:10:12 am »
Have you conveyed your displeasure to s.o. in the Stockton Wheelers?

Now that is a good idea, I honestly haven't thought of it, I'll go and look it up now. Thanks
I feel like Captain Kirk, on a brand new planet every day, a little like King Kong on top of the Empire State

fuzzy (retd.) AAGE

  • SWMBO's Toy Boy.
  • Apprentice Leathery Old Git
    • The Secret Cyclist blog
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #198 on: September 01, 2008, 10:48:02 am »
Dear Cagers on the A4 between Burnham and Taplow at around 6:15 p.m. on Sunday 31st August 2008.

When the entire width of the road is underwater, driving throught he flood as fast as you can is not likely to ensure you get through the flood as your engine may get swamped and killed. It will however produce a titanic bow wave that drowns everyone else in the vicinity NOT in a cage.

Wankers :demon:
Quote from: tatanab
The mark of a true cyclist - prepared to try anything on offer

If it ain't bad for you it ain't worth doing

PaulF

  • "World's Scariest Barman"
  • It's only impossible if you stop to think about it
Re: The RANT thread...
« Reply #199 on: September 01, 2008, 12:13:10 pm »
Moved to a new office today with secure bike storage underneath. :thumbsup:

However "for health and safety" we must walk our bikes down the ramp  >:( 

Well we all know what it's like walking in cycling shoes on a flat surface, but on a steep ramp ???