The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[Kim]

Hands full, tried to put out the light on the staircase by pushing my teacup against the switch. Light still on, streaks of tea down wallpaper.

Thanks to barakta's balance and hand impairments, streaks of tea on landlord-quality magnolia is the main aesthetic of our decor.  If we owned a house, we'd probably get round to painting it with decent quality paint that you can actually wipe clean successfully.  Imagine having walls in non-poo colours!

[T42]

Ours is some kind of heavy-duty blue over fibreglass, so theoretically we could take a scrubbing-brush to it.  Didn't stop the dogs eating through it when they were pups.

[Guy]

Our uni toilets had hard shiny paper stamped "Property of H.M.Government" and the holders were big stainless steel efforts branded "Dreadnought Thiefproof".

That wasn't a university, that was my primary skool!

[T42]

Probably mine too, now that you mention it.  Ercol was the brand of paper in the unibog.  I remember that because I once did a treasure hunt in which one of the clues was "What is Ercol? Bring some." Everyone knew the name but no-one could remember what it was until one of the blokes went for a crap.

[ian]

Hands full, tried to put out the light on the staircase by pushing my teacup against the switch. Light still on, streaks of tea down wallpaper.

Thanks to barakta's balance and hand impairments, streaks of tea on landlord-quality magnolia is the main aesthetic of our decor.  If we owned a house, we'd probably get round to painting it with decent quality paint that you can actually wipe clean successfully.  Imagine having walls in non-poo colours!

One of the core pleasures of buying a house is getting out the paint.

Unfortunately, we ended up with a house that looked the colour of being inside a salmon. Vaguely vaginal, said my wife. So we had to do it all again because no one wants a living room that's a testament to gynaecological exploration. And because we were cheapos back then, we did with mega-bargain industrial white emulsion. Two hundred and sixty-four coats later it was still fucking pink.

The last two houses we've paid grown-ups to paint after several days pouring through paint books covering every barely distinguishable shade of white possible.

[jsabine]

Probably mine too, now that you mention it.  Ercol was the brand of paper in the unibog.  I remember that because I once did a treasure hunt in which one of the clues was "What is Ercol? Bring some." Everyone knew the name but no-one could remember what it was until one of the blokes went for a crap.

Izal, I think.

Ercol makes furniture.

[ian]

I just remember our school toilet paper being skin to tracing paper and having the same absorbent properties. Using it was like cleaning up a Nutella spill with greaseproof paper.

I was reading an article the other week from a proper bum doctor about bottom wiping (every day is a school day on the internet), us westerners with our toilet paper ways are terrorizing our anuses, and putting ourselves at risk of anal tears. We should be gently patting and not furiously rubbing. But apparently, we should be washing properly back there and he wasn't happy that we weren't.

[Guy]

Probably mine too, now that you mention it.  Ercol was the brand of paper in the unibog.  I remember that because I once did a treasure hunt in which one of the clues was "What is Ercol? Bring some." Everyone knew the name but no-one could remember what it was until one of the blokes went for a crap.

Izal, I think.

Ercol makes furniture.

Izal. Yes! Scratchy sandpaper on one side, shiny-shiny on the other. About as absorbent as cling-film.

[spesh]

Probably mine too, now that you mention it.  Ercol was the brand of paper in the unibog.  I remember that because I once did a treasure hunt in which one of the clues was "What is Ercol? Bring some." Everyone knew the name but no-one could remember what it was until one of the blokes went for a crap.

Izal, I think.

Ercol makes furniture.

Izal. Yes! Scratchy sandpaper on one side, shiny-shiny on the other. About as absorbent as cling-film.

There can be only one.

http://viz.co.uk/2014/11/13/badgers-arse-industrial-toilet-paper/   

[Kim]

Hands full, tried to put out the light on the staircase by pushing my teacup against the switch. Light still on, streaks of tea down wallpaper.

Thanks to barakta's balance and hand impairments, streaks of tea on landlord-quality magnolia is the main aesthetic of our decor.  If we owned a house, we'd probably get round to painting it with decent quality paint that you can actually wipe clean successfully.  Imagine having walls in non-poo colours!

One of the core pleasures of buying a house is getting out the paint.

Unfortunately, we ended up with a house that looked the colour of being inside a salmon. Vaguely vaginal, said my wife. So we had to do it all again because no one wants a living room that's a testament to gynaecological exploration. And because we were cheapos back then, we did with mega-bargain industrial white emulsion. Two hundred and sixty-four coats later it was still fucking pink.

Reminds me of the time I helped Hanananananah The Astronononononomer paint half her bedroom a pleasingly non-landlord shade of terracotta.  We did a decent job, with quality paint, but that didn't make up for the inescapable sense that a tomato had menstruated on it.  (IIRC barakta was downstairs with a fever hallucinating crocodiles, so couldn't be consulted for a colour-based third opinion.  Or at least not a useful one.)

[ian]

I'm, to this day, unsure what febrile notion led us to think pale peach would be an interesting colour for walls. I guess it was an outbreak of it's-not-magnolia-woodchip and the previous owners of the house had painted everything a malarial shade of yellow which you really couldn't look at. They'd not even done a good job, it faded in and out like the colour on a failing TV. Plus they'd done as much damage to the house as possible because they were truly quite spectacularly unpleasant people.

[perpetual dan]

Probably mine too, now that you mention it.  Ercol was the brand of paper in the unibog.  I remember that because I once did a treasure hunt in which one of the clues was "What is Ercol? Bring some." Everyone knew the name but no-one could remember what it was until one of the blokes went for a crap.

Izal, I think.

Ercol makes furniture.

I was trying to work out whether making tables and chairs would lead to enough offcuts to start a paper company.

Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk

[T42]

Probably mine too, now that you mention it.  Ercol was the brand of paper in the unibog.  I remember that because I once did a treasure hunt in which one of the clues was "What is Ercol? Bring some." Everyone knew the name but no-one could remember what it was until one of the blokes went for a crap.

Izal, I think.

Ercol makes furniture.

Definitely wasn't Izal. Newcol, that was the stuff.  I think it was a failed MOD attempt at razor wire.

Ercol? "Ma! Someone's wiped his bum on your recliner."

[rafletcher]

Probably mine too, now that you mention it.  Ercol was the brand of paper in the unibog.  I remember that because I once did a treasure hunt in which one of the clues was "What is Ercol? Bring some." Everyone knew the name but no-one could remember what it was until one of the blokes went for a crap.

Izal, I think.

Ercol makes furniture.

Indeed. And then there was Bronco.

Both referred to by may pals Flight Engineer father as "low drag" 

[orienteer]

The public facility toilet paper I recall had the message "Now wash your hands" on the bottom of each sheet.

Now have a washlet (wash toilet), after experiencing them in Japan.

[TheLurker]

One of the core pleasures of buying a house is getting out the paint.

You are a masochist.  Decorating of any variety is a tedious chore involving hours of clearing clutter and furniture out of the way with associated ricking of backs and dropping of heavy stuff on feet, laying dust sheets, sand-paper (and barked knuckles and usually blood*) and lots and lots of dust before getting anywhere near painting and then when you've finally got the umpteenth coat on and dry you've got to unwind the whole damn rigamarole to get back to "normal".

*Top tip. When pulling back fitted carpet to do skirting boards wear some of those chainmail gloves favoured by slaughtermen.  See "carpet grippers".

... every barely distinguishable shade of white possible.

Any colour MrsLurker wants as long as it is white. I have been known to agree to one of the "barely distinguishable" varieties, but TBH I couldn't see any damn difference, other than price, between it and white.

[Kim]

One of the core pleasures of buying a house is getting out the paint.

You are a masochist.  Decorating of any variety is a tedious chore involving hours of clearing clutter and furniture out of the way with associated ricking of backs and dropping of heavy stuff on feet, laying dust sheets, sand-paper (and barked knuckles and usually blood*) and lots and lots of dust before getting anywhere near painting and then when you've finally got the umpteenth coat on and dry you've got to unwind the whole damn rigamarole to get back to "normal".

I'm going to guess that you haven't spent your whole adult life surrounded by landlord-issue magnolia.  That stuff gets to you.

[Mrs Pingu]

I was reading an article the other week from a proper bum doctor about bottom wiping (every day is a school day on the internet), us westerners with our toilet paper ways are terrorizing our anuses, and putting ourselves at risk of anal tears. We should be gently patting and not furiously rubbing. But apparently, we should be washing properly back there and he wasn't happy that we weren't.

I would like to read this article.

[hellymedic]

Probably mine too, now that you mention it.  Ercol was the brand of paper in the unibog.  I remember that because I once did a treasure hunt in which one of the clues was "What is Ercol? Bring some." Everyone knew the name but no-one could remember what it was until one of the blokes went for a crap.

Izal, I think.

Ercol makes furniture.

Ercol made chairs on which we sat for decade...

[TheLurker]

One of the core pleasures of buying a house is getting out the paint.

You are a masochist.  Decorating of any variety is a tedious chore ...

I'm going to guess that you haven't spent your whole adult life surrounded by landlord-issue magnolia.  That stuff gets to you.

A good guess. Not my whole adult life no, but I have spent more than enough time in rented (and our own) magnolia hued rooms to sympathise. I have only just finished repainting the main bedroom, which had been magnolia these 20 years, white.  Other people have "try bungee jumping" and "become an astronaut" on their bucket lists, mine had, "Get rid of the sodding magnolia." 

Still doesn't alter the fact that decorating is a tedious chore though.

[andytheflyer]

Decorating of any variety is a tedious chore involving hours of clearing clutter and furniture out of the way with associated ricking of backs and dropping of heavy stuff on feet, laying dust sheets, sand-paper (and barked knuckles and usually blood*) and lots and lots of dust before getting anywhere near painting and then when you've finally got the umpteenth coat on and dry you've got to unwind the whole damn rigamarole to get back to "normal".

Thanks a bunch TL.  I've been reluctantly contemplating this winter's decorating. I can't put up with the wear and tear on our kitchen and the main bedroom for another year.  It has to be done.  But shifting that monstrously heavy Vi_spring mattress could be the death of me.

You've neatly summarised all the things I hate about decorating.  And I can't cut corners because then I've got to stare at it for a few years regretting not going around with the sandpaper one more time.....

[T42]

I've always detested decorating too.  Once I even got so utterly pissed off that I bailed out halfway through painting a bathroom doorpost, leaving the top bit blue and the bottom half grey. It stayed that way for years.

[Poacher]

My pink half of the drainpipe
I may paint it blue.

Bonzos

[ian]

I hate decorating so much we did it precisely once. After spurning the magnolia wood-chip, it's a homeownership right of passage. After about three weeks where we managed to cover every surface, ourselves included, with cheap B&Q emulsion (eventually we gave up, about 80 coats too late and ponied up the cash for the one-coat stuff that actually made our house look less like a scene from Fantastic Voyage in only two further coats). Painting Artex ceilings? It's like a white out blizzard of emulsion. Don't get me going on woodwork, we did one perfect door, which took about a week and wasn't, in retrospect, very perfect. After that, we figured getting the pain near the door was good enough. The weeks spent cleaning brushes and rollers then giving up and going to the shop to buy new ones. There was never, ever quite enough paint to finish a room. It would always run out with half a wall to complete. The next tub would be a slightly different shade, forcing you to repaint the wall, run out of paint and repeat. There was precisely one Saturday evening when we had fun, that was day 1, look at us, we're painting our own house. Our own house! There was drinking involved. The next day we had to redo everything. I suspect the current owners may wonder at the message CLARE IS A MONKEY in block letters still faintly visible in the right light along the hallway wall.

Not to mention the horrible wooden paneling they'd put along the bottom half of the wall. Off that comes! Along with the underlying plaster. We glued it back on and simply applied yet more paint.

[Mrs Pingu]

^This.