Bethany (10): | OK, Prudhomme, we kno there’s bin a outbreak ov Vitasgerulatis Coronalurgi in teh town an' C Froome & G Thomas & M Cavendish ent here, but u gotta lot 2 live up 2 thanks 2 TD Gendt T Wellens T Moviestar's bonkers AI Machine Thingy & J Alaphilippe (git tho he undoubtedly b)! This'd better b good or ur in trub. Capeesh? |
C Prudhomme: | Ulp! |
Omnes: | ere, Bethany (10), u kno I Montoya N Quintana's gone an'd joined TA Catsick alongside ur pal W Barguil? |
Bethany (10): | Piss! No chance ov teh spottyjumper 4 u this year, W Barguil! |
ML Maire: | U bin affected by teh Coronalurgi, Bethany (10)? |
Bethany (10): | Nah. Mi mum teh fukn C-O-W iz 2 pickled 2 catch anyfink an' mi hipi Nana had a coff but teh dokta sed she jus' orta cut down on teh funy sigarets roffle! Missis Peeboddy ate'nt ded neither chiz. An' 5's ol' man sent her 'an her mum 2 hiz private Maldive back in March. |
ML Maire: | Orlrite 4 sum, eh! |
Bethany (10): | Tell me about it! I ent had a kumquat in 6 monfs & 5's teh saem colour as, er, Lee van Cleef's hat! |
Omnes: | Wooooo, it's startin'! |
| Grams: “Variations onna Theme ov Frairer Jacker” |
G Imlach: | O hai! Is me, TV's lolmungous G Imlach & I ate'nt DED! Teh bad news: we haz to dun teh anti-social distance thing. Teh good news: C Prudhomme can now haz spectidiots garotted utterly to DETH on live TV! |
Omnes: | Huzzah! Huzzah! And thrice Huzzah! Shall ur quota ov crap joaks b subject 2 rationing? Onli 2 per link, or sumthin? |
G Imlach: | This remains 2 b determined. |
M Pingu: | Shall we still b permitted 2 shove R Bardet up teh lum? |
G Imlach: | This, also, remains 2 b determined! |
M Pingu: | Bah! |
R Bardet: | Up ze what, Ingleesh? |
M Pingu: | Watch who ur calling “English”, chimney-boi! |
Bethany (10): | Iz there ne thing you can tell us, G Imlach? |
G Imlach: | Errr, um, er, u can’t get Coronalurgi from kumquats, Didi Senff's trident or EO Aquitaine! |
Bethany (10): | Let us b thankful 4 this small mercy in these straitened tiems! Can u catch it off ov wankhats? |
SD Millar: | I! Heard! That! |
Bethany (10): | Oooh! Ur hard! Roffle &, moreover, L0LZ0RZ! |
SD Millar: | At least I ate'nt gotta season ticket 2 “Crimewatch”! |
Bethany (10): | I ent aloud 2 tork about that 4 legal reasons, an' also coz I dunt want mi legs b0rked. Can't kick the patriarchy in teh nutsack wif a b0rked legs… |
N Boulting: | U bin hangin' wif teh wrong sorts ov peops, Bethany (10)! |
Bethany (10): | Wot, u mean liek DOPERS? |
Bethany's Mum: | Bef'ny! ' oo u torkin' 2? Beter not be them peedos off ov teh telly! |
Bethany (10): | Nah, mum, it's teh Jehoovers' Witnesses come 2 saev u agane! [Aside:] Liek U care, u fukn C-O-W!!1! |
Omnes: | Get on with it !!1! |
EO Aquitaine: | This Unit hereby endorses this product, service or sentiment! |
G Imlach: | OK, I haz with me Manx Minnow Tiny P Kennaugh & Niec C Boardman. We're in Kent chiz. NC Boardman, should there be a Tour ov France @ all? |
NC Boardman: | [Usual sensible Stuffs.] |
TP Kennaugh: | It mite get all teh way 2 Paris. Or not. I'm from teh Isle ov Man! |
Omnes: | Where is TV's Evil C Boardman, G Imlach? |
G Imlach: | We dun an exorcism. Hoapfully he' bin banished 2 teh Dungeon Dimensions! Niec C, tell us about teh contend0rz! |
NC Boardman: | Blah E Bernal blah blah TD Windmill blah P Roglič blah T Pinot? I Montoya N Quintana 22/1 roffle. |
G Imlach: | Other notable absentees this year, apart from C Froome, G Thomas & M Cavendish whom (grammer) we haz alreadi menshnd, include J Birdsong, T Wellens, A Démare, É”TF” Gesbert, N Bouhanni, M Kitteh, G Moscon, D Groaningwagon, M Matthews, Y Offredo, R Dennis & S Yates. We sent TV's increasingly non-wooden D Friebe to investigate … |
D Friebe: | O hai! I'm in France & u, u r not. Hahahaha! O hai, M Kitteh via Farcebok Massager! |
M Kitteh: | O hai! I liek fish, also miaow! |
D Friebe: | O hai, R Dennis via 2 yogurt pots anna peace ov string! |
R Dennis: | Its a disc race! I onli moved 2 T Ineo$ becoz SD Brailsford promised me teh moon onna stick an' all teh womp rats I can eat! It snot FAIR!!1! |
SD Brailsford: | No I fookin' nevvah! |
D Friebe: | Tiny Tears, BTW… |
G Imlach: | But we duz hav S Reichenbach, R Bardet, S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard, E “Sssssh” Buchmann, G Soupe & Bethany's Da… R Uran 2 kepe teh crap joak quota in teh black & TD Windmill 2 kepe 5 hapy, unless shes decided hes passed it & T Pinot iz 2 prone 2 unshaven slobbering. |
5: | Im wating 2 pass judgement on teh studliness ov teh current crop, G Imlach! A year iz a long tiem in teh lief ov a gril, or so mi Daddy sez! |
Bethany (10): | Ur bonkers, sista! IN TEH NUT!!1! I fink I'm gonna become 1 ov them lesbinams wot they haz now. Boys r icky! |
Bethany's Mum: | U see! Theys crupted mi swete inosent dor'er alredi! How long b4 they murder mi pore ickle Bef'ny 2 DETH inna Illuminated Statinic Masonly Rit-yoo-ul? |
5: | Or woz it “a week iz a long tiem in teh lief ov a grass”… |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Enfin! Nobody tole me there'd b days liek these. Strange days indeed! |
SD Millar: | Politics, and other Stuffs pertaining 2 lurgi. |
Omnes: | U OK, hun? U sound liek ur wearin' a mask even iffen u doan have 2! |
SD Millar: | Can't b 2 careful wif *** in da hood! |
N Boulting: | Git! T Pinot! |
SD Millar: | T Pinot! |
N Boulting: | TD Windmill! |
SD Millar: | TD Windmill yes but also P Roglič! |
N Boulting: | Coming men whose tiem haz come! |
Omnes: | |
D Friebe: | A Yates, speke 2 us! |
A Yates: | keepouttatrubbleersavinenergiumfeelinbe'eryeahtargetstaegsum. yeah. |
D Friebe: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | There shall b a futile break! I, TV's N Boulting, haz decreed it. Wif various unknown Frenchmen, Pro-Conti no-hoapers ect & moreover ect. |
TD Gendt: | In teh absence ov mi BFF T Wellens I, Headbangersaurus belgicae, am on streik! |
N Boulting: | S Bennett shall pwn teh staeg. I, TV's N Boulting, haz decreed it! “Nice” menes “Victory”, u kno! |
Omnes: | It menes “biskits wif a hint ov coconut”, as any fule kno! |
CP Sagan: | Also this staeg iz tailor-maed 4 me! Meeeee! Crazy! |
C Prudhomme: | [Waevs fleg]. Race, scum! |
N Boulting: | Futile break M Schär C Gautier F Grellier. |
Omnes: | Birb, bird! Huge brown one! Wot manner ov birb is that, ***, go on tell us o u mite! |
N Boulting: | Tour ov France nature history and, er, tiem 4 teh shitverts! Soz! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Young riders! |
SD Millar: | Young riders juniorshinyjumper baebs in arms! |
Bethany's Mum: | Peedo! |
N Boulting: | …so I aksed TV's D Rowe wot L Rowe had dun b4 teh Tour ov France an' M Rowe sez he done good @ teh Dauphiné an'… |
C Froome [via txt msg]: | L Rowe wasn’t @ teh Dauphiné! |
SD Millar: | Ha ha! Hahahahaha! Roffle @ *** teh grate big eedjit! LOLZ0RZ! |
N Boulting: | Piss! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Teh suksess ov teh Tour ov France depends on joint enterprise! |
Bethany's Cool Uncle Joe: | That's called “possession wif intent” in 'ere, ***! |
N Boulting: | I, er, Promenade des Anglais! |
Bethany (10): | O hai, gang! Had 2 lock mi mum in teh wardrobe teh fukn C-O-W! Drugs r bad! Wots 'apnin? |
N Boulting: | Not a lot. 3 stooges 2 & a 1/2 minits up teh road. But it's raining. |
SD Millar: | That may maek things com-pli-ca-ted! |
N Boulting: | When u sa “complicated”, Super D, u mean “dangerous”, no? |
SD Millar: | Teh Tour ov France hav its own langwij. Sketchy! |
N Boulting: | We haz on teh anbaric tellingbone C Froome! |
C Froome: | O hai! Move goleposts retarget! Vuelta ov Spaign-o! |
N Boulting: | Wot u do between now & teh Vuelta ov Spaign-o? |
C Froome: | Ride mi biek! [Aside:] Dolt! |
SD Millar: | Teh Vuelta ov Spaign-o looks BRUTAL this year! |
C Froome: | Hahahahahaha! Git! |
SD Millar: | Chute! S Bennett! |
C Froome: | Rain! |
SD Millar: | Com-pli-ca-ted! |
C Froome: | Teh tactics will boil down 2 how teh race pans out! |
T Moviestar: | So that's where teh AI went rong! |
T Moviestar's Goat-Powered Analytical Engine: | +++ MELÓN MELÓN MELÓN +++ |
C Froome: | …also mi neck hurts when I look @ mi power meter! |
Omnes: | Iz it on ur stem, C Froome? |
C Froome: | Fck! Off! |
N Boulting: | U join us on teh rest da, C Froome? On teh condition u stop korektin' mi mistaeks! |
C Froome: | Hahahahahaha! U shud stop maekin' shit up, ***! “Ooooh, L Rowe @ teh Dauphiné”! Hahahahahaha roffle! |
N Boulting: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! |
| […] |
M Rendall: | O hai mi blong sieg heil! *** parté tasse chai. Chute! TP Fairy! |
Omnes: | He's out ov sync agane, Super D! Stick a pencil in teh hole on teh bak ov hiz neck & count 2 10. |
| [FX: Grinding ov mitey gears, Triumph Herald (not) starting on cold morning, titanic xplosion] |
M Rendall: | Where am I? Who r u? |
F Grellier: | \o/ Spottypoints! |
M Rendall: | Who's he? Wot's that thing he's sitting on? |
SD Millar: | Oopsie…. I'll fone teh AA during teh shitverts. |
| […] |
M Rendall: | And Niec C Boardman joins me in teh colemantary box… |
NC Boardman: | O hai… |
Omnes: | Wait, WHAT!?!? U mene Super D & *** et al r not in teh France @ all? |
SD Millar: | No. No, we r not! Bah! |
NC Boardman: | Rain! |
M Rendall: | Rain! |
J Alaphilippe: | Noes! Mi biek! |
NC Boardman: | Disc brake thru-axle! |
Bald man wif a cordless drill: | Nope, it's fscked! New biek, mate! |
J Alaphilippe: | RAAAAAAWWWWWRR and, moreover, Arse. |
P Sivakov: | O noes! Pity pore crash-damaged P Sivakov who cannot catch teh pelican on teh horrid twisty-turny roads! |
EC Boardman: | Teh pelican is orl spread out best-laid plans ov meeces ect ect. Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
Omnes: | Beter ask teh exorcist 4 ur munny bak, G Imlach! |
G Imlach: | Piss! |
| […] |
TP Kennaugh: | 2da: colemantators' dreme, riders' nitemare! I'm from teh Isle ov Man! |
M Rendall: | All teh riders kno teh roads liek teh bak ov teh hands! |
TP Kennaugh: | There iz no blood lost between teh GC & sprint0rz teams! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
M Rendall: | Staeg perfect 4 A Démare. Xcept he's not here! |
N Bouhanni [via anti-social media]: | How tragic! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | We're baaaaaaack! Well, I am. Super D is lookin' 4 teh biskit tin. Did u miss me? |
Omnes: | |
P Sivakov: | O noes! Pity poor crash-damaged P Sivakov who haz fell off hiz biek agane! |
N Boulting: | Chute! A Amador A Yates & other peops beginning wif “A”! R Porte! |
R Porte: | FFS! |
M Schär: | \o/ Snottysprint pwnage! Also tiem bonerfications which will, in teh event ov teh tie on spottypoints, give me teh spottyjumper! |
| [Shortly thereafter…] |
CP Sagan: | I can haz snottypoints! Rite me off @ ur peril, puny humans! |
TP Kennaugh: | Chute! Coronalurgi 0 - 1 Rain! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
N Boulting: | C Ewan (who climbs like teh hoamsick rock) involved. Shall he manage 2 catch up in tiem 4 teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE wif which teh staeg shal shurely conclude? |
TP Kennaugh: | M Schär! He's very tall! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
N Boulting: | C Swift! Leadout man 4 A Greipel teh goriler ov 3b! Bodygard 4 I Montoya N Quintana! |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
A Greipel: | I h8 u all! |
M Schär: | \o/ Spottypwn, & there4 also spottyjumper, 4 meeeeeeee! |
G Nizzolo: | Onoz! I am unwell! |
T Pelican: | Aieeeee! Coronalurgi! Flee 4 ur lives! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | During teh shitverts teh break haz bin cort! |
SD Millar: | Solidarity in teh pelican! Xept 4 C Ewan who iz 7 minits down & uterly fuxx0rd! |
T Martin: | Rite, u spotty li'l 'erberts! NE1 tryin' it on will rnser 2 me, T Martin! I brought down teh Berlin Wall so I ent scared ov u toerags! |
T Pelican: | Yeth, mathter! |
N Boulting: | R those TL Soudal stooges waitin' 4 C Ewan? |
SD Millar: | No. No, they r not, dolt. Becoz C Ewan iz… oh! He iz in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican after all! Sort urselves out, teh Eh-Ess-Oh! |
N Boulting: | A Amador off teh bak horible da 4 T Ineo$! |
SD Millar: | T AS-TA-NA on teh front pushin' hard! |
I Izaguirre: | Hullo clouds hullo sky hullo signpost! Owwww! |
G Thomas [via Pubnet]: | Not bad, I Izaguirre, not bad @ all! |
T AS-TA-NA: | WE MAY HAVE 2 RE-THINK R STRA-TE-GY! |
SD Millar: | Wait, WHAT?!?!? C Ewan iz not in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican after all, no! C him at teh bak wif I Izaguirre! I haz reached a staet ov ***-liek confuzzlement! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! C Ewan iz once MOAR safely in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! |
SD Millar: | FFS! |
Bethany (10): | Wot Super D sed! Onli directed @ mi mum teh fukn C-O-W! I had 2 call an ambulance! |
N Boulting: | Will u b OK on ur own, Bethany (10)? |
Bethany (10): | We gonna get a sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE 2da? |
SD Millar: | I xpekt so. Not from A Greipel teh goriler ov 3b… |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
SD Millar: | …becoz he iz indescribably ancient but won't admit it becoz sprint0rz nevvah do! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh pelican iz so slo on teh corners they look liek, er, me! Y not come 2 Le Broc 4 ur holibobs next year ses remparts ses parkings ses petits birbs brûnes et ses cloches marking, er, 10 past 5. Quoi? |
Le Maire Du Broc: | Merci, ***! |
N Boulting: | Ker-CHIIINNNGGG! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wile we woz off @ teh shitverts G Bennett doned a chute & doan menshn teh criket! |
G Bennett: | Fck! Off! |
SD Millar: | “Doning a chute on teh 1st da ov a Grand Tour iz teh suxx0r” sez TV's Super D Millar, teh words coming easily from force ov habit. |
N Boulting: | Look, see! B Cosnefroy haz doned an assault attack! |
ML Maire: | Y he do that when his pocketses appeer 2 b stuffed wif botles? |
B Cosnefroy: | Oh. Arse! |
T AG2R: | Come bak 'ere an' give us r scran! |
N Boulting: | R Bardet: hasn't fell off ov hiz biek @ all 2da! |
Omnes: | He's bin hidin' up teh chimney! |
R Bardet: | Bof! |
SD Millar: | WV Aert! Haz not wasted nrg fallin' off ov hiz biek unliek C Ewan S Bennett ect ect. |
N Boulting: | WV Aert! |
SD Millar: | WV Aert! Chute! |
N Boulting: | T Pinot! Most ov T Moviestar! Yoicks! A state ov chassis! T FdJ! |
A Kristoff: | \o/ Didn't c that comin', did u? |
5: | Oh for goodness' saek, T Pinot! U haz lost 4 minits! Get out ov mi site, u scruffian! |
G Imlach: | …& now teh 1st evvah masked podium wossname… |
Bethany (10): | FFS! ITV4 haz turned off teh recording earli agane! Un fukn useless divs! |
G Imlach: | Apparently evry1 will get teh tiem from teh 3km mark so T Pinot haz not lost 4 minits after all! |
5: | Doan care! |
L Rowe: | Chapeau 2 teh hole pelican xept T AS-TA-NA who r idiots! |
EO Aquitaine: | This Unit hereby endorses this product, service or sentiment. |