What was the last film you watched?

[TimO]

Captain America: The First Avenger

OK enough as a sort of half arsed super hero film.  It's not as good as it's sequel, Avengers Assemble, even with the traditional WW2 Nazi derived baddie, Red Skull, but it's not too bad a pulp fantasy "feel good" adventure.

It did have a great line from Tommy Lee Jones' Colonel Phillips to Captain America; "I'm not kissing you".

I was amused that Doctor Who's Clara Oswald (Jenna-Louise Coleman) appears at the start, and the Dream Lord from "Amy's Choice" a couple of series ago, Toby Jones, also makes a slightly longer appearance as Dr Zola (it took me a while to work out that I'd seen him in that recently!)  I couldn't spot any other Doctor Who actors!

[Hillbilly]

Resident Evil Retribution

I wouldn't recommend it unless you are a fan of sticking your nose in freshly soiled pants and inhaling deeply.  I say this as a person who has enjoyed past entries in this low brow but at times fun series.

Main problem is that Milla Jovovich isn't naked at any point in the movie.


(But yeah, I've enjoyed the series for what it was, but this one was really bad)

She was, kind of.  Two paper sheets preserving her modesty.

Another tragedy of this (and other recent zombie films) is that the fuckers can run fast.  Gone are the days of the shuffling zombie whose threat was weight of numbers, relentlessly closing in on your hideout.  Now it's all about fast edit shocks.  Come on Hollywood, we deserve to be treated like people with things zombies want to munch on between our ears.

[Flynn]

Zombies. Don't. Run.
The films that have fast zombies are not zombie films, 28 Days/Weeks Later are not zombie films, they're disease films and the people are infected with the 'rage' virus, they are not dead. I Am Legend, again people infected with a virus, not dead.

And that is why the upcoming World War Z will be a steaming pile of...

[ian]

I'll come out and say it. Zombies are shit and they should be expunged from the canon of horror movies and stories. A movie about zombies is about as exciting as dodging drunk tramps on Victoria Street. It's about time we faced up to the fact. Zombies are useless and Not Very Scary. Their main threat seems to be that there's so many of them you might get squashed. You could say the same of the crowd at a One Direction concert, yet unlike zombies, the audience there is genuinely scary. What you say? They bite. So do football players, who also do the moronic shambling thing. Scary? I don't think. Challenge them to a game of keepy-uppy and walk off. Job done.

Be gone zombies, let us speak of them no more.

(I'll make the following exception: I'd pay good money to watch Chuck Norris battle zombies with roundhouse kicks.)

[Flynn]

I'll come out and say it. Zombies are shit and they should be expunged from the canon of horror movies and stories. A movie about zombies is about as exciting as dodging drunk tramps on Victoria Street. It's about time we faced up to the fact. Zombies are useless and Not Very Scary. Their main threat seems to be that there's so many of them you might get squashed. You could say the same of the crowd at a One Direction concert, yet unlike zombies, the audience there is genuinely scary. What you say? They bite. So do football players, who also do the moronic shambling thing. Scary? I don't think. Challenge them to a game of keepy-uppy and walk off. Job done.

Be gone zombies, let us speak of them no more.

(I'll make the following exception: I'd pay good money to watch Chuck Norris battle zombies with roundhouse kicks.)

Zombies are terrifying. They are the embodiment of death that awaits us all. Implacable, relentless, unstoppable. They cannot be bargained with, pleaded with, or reasoned with. You cannot frighten them away, 'shock and awe' would be wasted on a zombie, or on a zombie horde. Modern firearms are almost useless against them, because there are more zombies than bullets, and no-one can manage a perfect headshot every time. Yet one scratch or bite from a zombie and you're dead, it's game over for you.
Zombies are the perfect horror fodder.

Vampires on the other hand are effete wankers easily dealt with by a water pistol of holy water.

[Mr Larrington]

Vampires on the other hand are effete wankers easily dealt with by a water pistol of holy water.

Doesn't work against Jewish vampires, thobut

[Hillbilly]

Vampires on the other hand are effete wankers easily dealt with by a water pistol of holy water.

Doesn't work against Jewish vampires, thobut

Presumably holy steam works though?  My grandpa, Herman, told me that gas is the best way to see off Jewish bloodsuckers.


*hangs head in shame - ticket to hell please etc*

[TimO]

Species	Country	Approved method of disposal
Sampiro	Albania	Stake through heart
Nachtzehrer	Bavaria	Place coin in mouth, decapitate with axe
Ogoljen	Bohemia	Bury at crossroads
Krvoijac	Bulgaria	Chain to grave with wild roses
Kathakano	Crete	Boil head in vinegar
Brukulaco	Greece	Cut off and burn head
Vampir	Hungary	Stake through heart, nail through temple
Dearg-dul	Ireland	Pile stones on grave
Vryolakas	Macedonia	Pour boiling oil on, drive nail through navel
Upier	Poland	Bury face downwards
Gierach	Prussia	Put poppy seeds in grave
Strigoiul	Romania	Remove heart, cut in two; garlic in mouth, nail in head
Vlkoslak	Serbia	Cut off toes, drive nail through neck
Neuntoter	Saxony	Lemon in mouth
Vampiro	Spain	No known remedy

Keep a copy of this in your wallet.  When confronted with a suspected vampire, ask to see his passport (if it shows a birthdate in the eighteenth century, so much the better).  Cross reference the place of birth with the chart.  Wait until the daylight, when the vampire is dormant, and take him out with the suggested method.

Before starting this, or any other vampire eradication program, you should consult your doctor.

[mrcharly-YHT]

Love the list, Tim!

I'm particularly taken by the Bulgarian solution; wild roses are my favourite flower.

Does anyone here know what happens to a vampire if you cut off their head and burn the head?

I've been working on restoring an old axe (for woodwork, honest) and think it could have a secondary vampire-decapitating purpose:

[ian]

I'll come out and say it. Zombies are shit and they should be expunged from the canon of horror movies and stories. A movie about zombies is about as exciting as dodging drunk tramps on Victoria Street. It's about time we faced up to the fact. Zombies are useless and Not Very Scary. Their main threat seems to be that there's so many of them you might get squashed. You could say the same of the crowd at a One Direction concert, yet unlike zombies, the audience there is genuinely scary. What you say? They bite. So do football players, who also do the moronic shambling thing. Scary? I don't think. Challenge them to a game of keepy-uppy and walk off. Job done.

Be gone zombies, let us speak of them no more.

(I'll make the following exception: I'd pay good money to watch Chuck Norris battle zombies with roundhouse kicks.)

Zombies are terrifying. They are the embodiment of death that awaits us all. Implacable, relentless, unstoppable. They cannot be bargained with, pleaded with, or reasoned with. You cannot frighten them away, 'shock and awe' would be wasted on a zombie, or on a zombie horde. Modern firearms are almost useless against them, because there are more zombies than bullets, and no-one can manage a perfect headshot every time. Yet one scratch or bite from a zombie and you're dead, it's game over for you.
Zombies are the perfect horror fodder.

Vampires on the other hand are effete wankers easily dealt with by a water pistol of holy water.

Terrifying? About as a terrifying the local care home's OAP day out to Worthing. In fact, just think Worthing on a Wednesday afternoon. You get in the way of one of those old biddies and you'll learn the true meaning of implacable, relentless, and unstoppable. I'm sorry but any kind of monster you can escape from my merely doing a moonwalk is no kind of monster at all. It's time they were relegated to the lower divisions of monsterdom, with the carnivorous slugs and bad luck leprechauns.

Vampires aren't effete, they're stylishly attired and immaculately groomed. They can ride motorbikes and do kung fu. They can probably do kung fu while riding a motorbike. Female vampires have very nice hair. Holy water might sting, but no worse than Old Spice. Jewish vampires can, of course, be warded off with pork scratchings, but as Tim suggests, choose your weapon with care. Pelting an Iberian vampire with pork scratchings, for instance, will merely make him hungrier and probably annoyed, especially if you make a mark on his fresh shirt.

[Flynn]

I'll come out and say it. Zombies are shit and they should be expunged from the canon of horror movies and stories. A movie about zombies is about as exciting as dodging drunk tramps on Victoria Street. It's about time we faced up to the fact. Zombies are useless and Not Very Scary. Their main threat seems to be that there's so many of them you might get squashed. You could say the same of the crowd at a One Direction concert, yet unlike zombies, the audience there is genuinely scary. What you say? They bite. So do football players, who also do the moronic shambling thing. Scary? I don't think. Challenge them to a game of keepy-uppy and walk off. Job done.

Be gone zombies, let us speak of them no more.

(I'll make the following exception: I'd pay good money to watch Chuck Norris battle zombies with roundhouse kicks.)

Zombies are terrifying. They are the embodiment of death that awaits us all. Implacable, relentless, unstoppable. They cannot be bargained with, pleaded with, or reasoned with. You cannot frighten them away, 'shock and awe' would be wasted on a zombie, or on a zombie horde. Modern firearms are almost useless against them, because there are more zombies than bullets, and no-one can manage a perfect headshot every time. Yet one scratch or bite from a zombie and you're dead, it's game over for you.
Zombies are the perfect horror fodder.

Vampires on the other hand are effete wankers easily dealt with by a water pistol of holy water.

Terrifying? About as a terrifying the local care home's OAP day out to Worthing. In fact, just think Worthing on a Wednesday afternoon. You get in the way of one of those old biddies and you'll learn the true meaning of implacable, relentless, and unstoppable. I'm sorry but any kind of monster you can escape from my merely doing a moonwalk is no kind of monster at all. It's time they were relegated to the lower divisions of monsterdom, with the carnivorous slugs and bad luck leprechauns.

Vampires aren't effete, they're stylishly attired and immaculately groomed. They can ride motorbikes and do kung fu. They can probably do kung fu while riding a motorbike. Female vampires have very nice hair. Holy water might sting, but no worse than Old Spice. Jewish vampires can, of course, be warded off with pork scratchings, but as Tim suggests, choose your weapon with care. Pelting an Iberian vampire with pork scratchings, for instance, will merely make him hungrier and probably annoyed, especially if you make a mark on his fresh shirt.

You assume zombie singular. Try thinking millions. And they don't stop, they never rest, they follow, and follow, and follow, while you have to rest, have to find a safe place to stop, and all the time they are following, relentless.

[TimO]

Zombies, can be an overridingly powerful force, so tend to have some limitation to make them a plausible monster.  The inability to move very fast is the classic approach to this, so allowing them speed, risks making them into a excessively potent beastie.

Interestingly, the TVTropes website splits Zombies into:

• Artificial Zombie
• Flesh Eating Zombie
• Plague Zombie
• Revenant Zombie
• Voodoo Zombie

Most Zombies in films seem to fall into one or both of the Flesh Eating and Plague Zombie categories (possibly with Artificial Zombie aspects).  I think Zombies by themselves have been done a bit too death, in films.  In more modern films, they tend to mix them in with some other concept, like the Umbrella Corporation in the Resident Evil franchise, which provides something else to flesh out the story a bit.

[spindrift]

Tyrannosaur is the best British film for ages. You really do end up loving the couple. I don't like Eddie Marsan.

[spesh]

Zombies, can be an overridingly powerful force, so tend to have some limitation to make them a plausible monster.  The inability to move very fast is the classic approach to this, so allowing them speed, risks making them into a excessively potent beastie.

Interestingly, the TVTropes website splits Zombies into:

• Artificial Zombie
• Flesh Eating Zombie
• Plague Zombie
• • Revenant Zombie
  • Voodoo Zombie
  
  Most Zombies in films seem to fall into one or both of the Flesh Eating and Plague Zombie categories (possibly with Artificial Zombie aspects).  I think Zombies by themselves have been done a bit too death, in films.  In more modern films, they tend to mix them in with some other concept, like the Umbrella Corporation in the Resident Evil franchise, which provides something else to flesh out the story a bit.
  

I am so not clicking on the link.

http://www.xkcd.com/609/ refers.   

[Valiant]

Just watched Cockneys vs Zombies. Was awesome.

[Littlesox]

Main problem is that Milla Jovovich isn't naked at any point in the movie.

Agreed. +1. whatever.

[Jaded]

Avengers Assemble. Rather fun and some laugh out loud bits.

[LindaG]

Tyrannosaur is the best British film for ages. You really do end up loving the couple. I don't like Eddie Marsan.

Thanks spindrift, you reminded me to watch this.

It's excellent isn't it. I wonder how Paddy Considine researched his material - he got it spot on.

[spindrift]

Never tipped over into parody Linda, was well-judged. Some of Mike Leigh's stuff seems to be taking the mickey or patronising. Also, if Peter Mullan was having a go at me I think I'd start crying, Christ, that bloke's so angry. He pretty much personifies Wodehouse's "It is very hard to confuse a ray of sunshine for a Scotsman with a grievance".

[BrianI]

Airplane II: The Sequel!   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeLnS8O08ng

 

[mrcharly-YHT]

Iron Man 3

That was dire even by hollywood standdards.

[Pickled Onion]

44 inch chest.

Disappointing. Some excellent dialogue, well acted, but despite being promising a bit of an overall fail. It's like a theatre play, in fact mostly shot in a single location. But if you're going to make a film, then use the medium, otherwise it might as well be a play. In fact, it would have been really good on the radio, but as a film it was a waste of time.

[LindaG]

44 inch chest.

Disappointing. Some excellent dialogue, well acted, but despite being promising a bit of an overall fail. It's like a theatre play, in fact mostly shot in a single location. But if you're going to make a film, then use the medium, otherwise it might as well be a play. In fact, it would have been really good on the radio, but as a film it was a waste of time.

That is almost word-for-word what my Grandad said about Les Mis.

[Wascally Weasel]

Iron Man 3

That was dire even by hollywood standdards.

I'm curious, did you like other films in the Avengers franchise?

I saw it today and thoroughly enjoyed it, thought it was way better than 2. Possibly because of Shane Black's touch.

[Jaded]

Anyone knows you kill Zombies with peas.