Current house:
* Don't touch my computer.
* Teabags in the bin (not on side of sink)
* Don't use smelly products
* No dogs or smoking in the house
I think we've got more than that. How about:
* Think before unplugging. Seriously.
* Bananananas, mushrooms, lesbian tea and similar noxious substances should be stored in hermetically sealed containers at all times, and removed to the outside world for safe disposal at the first opportunity.
* Fucking flush the fucking toilet for fuck's sake. If you're deaf, use your fucking eyes to see whether the dodgy flush actually worked, turn the fucking light on if necessary. Going to the toilet in the dark is stupid anyway, the spiders might get you. If you're blind, the toilet's the smelly thing about a metre and a half ahead of you after you fall down the step. If you have no sense of smell, ignore the previous line and be assured that the toilet is pristine in its awesome cleanliness. If you have a penis and no sense of smell, I recommend going in the sitting-down position, in order to preserve the illusion.
* Youtube at night, streamer's delight. iPlayer in morning, account holder's warning.
* CYCLISTS DISMOUNT
[1]* No Xaphoons.
* The toaster has a faulty eject mechanism and must be supervised at all times.
* The hoover has a taste for human flesh. Tie your hair before doing the stairs.
Surprised you didn't include:
* Kim is always right. I will listen to Kim. I will not ignore Kim's recommendations. Kim is God
[2]. And if this ever happens again Kim will personally rip your lungs out.
...and what Mrs Pingu said about the chocolate. Except that it's mine, obviously.
[1] This one's only advisory
[2] Just kidding. No offence.