The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[Kim]

I've got a black toe.  Regular readers will know that I haven't done anything remotely energetic for over a week now, so I'm at a bit of a loss to explain it.  Current theory is that either it happened a couple of days ago when I tripped over a fan heater, or (more likely) when a tin of soup fell out of the cupboard on Saturday, and in classic div style I dodged to protect my injured arm, and squarely headbutted it.  This resulted in much pain and foul language (barakta was very sensibly in Penge at the time), and a toe ricochet may have gone unnoticed.

[TheLurker]

I've got a black eye where the toilet lid fell on my face when I was cleaning the toilet.
That's pretty fecking divvy, but the true divvidom was not having a good convincing lie ready when my oppo asked how I did it and having to tell the truth.

fboab wins the internets.

[Feanor]

I managed to loose my car in a multi-storey carp ark in the US recently.

I parked it, and noted the level I was on, and made my way to the lifts noting how I got to the lifts so I could reverse the route.
Only I couldn't.
The car park seemed to have changed it's geometry like Hogwarts in the course of 2 hours.
I went to where I thought it was, and pressed the button on the key fob.  Nothing.
I walked around a bit, and close to the open edge of the building I heard a distant 'peep!'.
It was either one level up, or down.  I couldn't tell which.
So I walked round the ramps one level up, and one level down.
Nothing.  No 'peeps'.
Back to the middle level. 'Peep!'.
I couldn't determine where the peep was coming from.

Then I noticed a small opening in the concrete wall on the side of one of the ramps.
This led to another ramp going in the opposite direction ( indeed, another entire system of ramps! )
The car was on a hidden intermediate level, between the levels I was searching.

Turns out the car park is 2 separate interleaved systems, coiled together like strands of DNA!
And I was in the wrong 'strand'.

[ElyDave]

I started slicing an apple into discs tday, ready to slather with PB as a v tasty dessert.

I started by slicing the very bottom off, then picked it up with the same hand as holding the knife (too small for PB smearing) and put it in my mouth.  Thats when I noticed the blade of our sharpest knife, pointing at and now resting on the end of my nose.

Luckily not too hard and no excessive bloodshedding ocurred, but I have a distinct nick in the end of my nose.

[Jasmine]

I bought a different brand of muesli last week.  Quite early on, I decided I wasn't going to buy it again because it tastes too coconutty for me.  It ran out at the end of the week and I only had crunchy nut cornflakes left.  They tasted like coconut as well.  Then I looked at the milk - I'd bought coconut milk. 

[barakta]

LOL! 

[Salvatore]

Number suits owned by me. 5
Number of suits in car when I arrived at hotel in Staffordshire tonight for niece's wedding tomorrow.  0

 

I've taken note of this cautionary tale and posted my suit to Wales for my niece's wedding this weekend.

If it doesn't arrive in time I'll be nipping round to Basil's to see if I can borrow one of his.

[Basil]

Number suits owned by me. 5
Number of suits in car when I arrived at hotel in Staffordshire tonight for niece's wedding tomorrow.  0

 

I've taken note of this cautionary tale and posted my suit to Wales for my niece's wedding this weekend.

Blimey.  That's a risky strategy, isn't it?   

If it doesn't arrive in time I'll be nipping round to Basil's to see if I can borrow one of his.

 

[ian]

So, I opt to mow the lawn as it's been looking a little wild (and lawn mowing falls under my wife's definition of 'boy stuff' too). Lug the mower and everything out front and issue the prescribed haircut. Fine.

Now, my driveway runs under the house and it's fronted by garage doors (it looks like a garage, but the real garage is at the bottom of the garden, though we park under the house to make room for my awesome collection of bicycles and old Ikea furniture in the actual garage). Anyway doors that are firmly locked because some idiot closed them.

Which would have been fine had my keys not been in the kitchen door at the rear of the house. The side gate is locked to keep out murderers and vagabonds. The front doors are locked. There's no other way into the back garden.

Sheesh. I had to clamber over the side gate in what, at my age, is a feat of advanced athleticism.

[hellymedic]

I sent myself a Private Message on yacf...

[Cudzoziemiec]

The correct option, surely, would have been to go to the pub until your wife got home. And if you had to take the lawn mower to the pub with you, well, that means you weren't drinking alone, doesn't it?

[T42]

I've got a black eye where the toilet lid fell on my face when I was cleaning the toilet.
That's pretty fecking divvy, but the true divvidom was not having a good convincing lie ready when my oppo asked how I did it and having to tell the truth.

Better than explaining that you wanted to put some eau de toilette behind your ears.

[Legs]

Number suits owned by me. 5
Number of suits in car when I arrived at hotel in Staffordshire tonight for niece's wedding tomorrow.  0

 

I've taken note of this cautionary tale and posted my suit to Wales for my niece's wedding this weekend.

If it doesn't arrive in time I'll be nipping round to Basil's to see if I can borrow one of his.

Couldn't you just put a suit in your vehicle well in advance?

Or do something like putting a penknife in your shoe (my equivalent of tying knots in handkerchiefs)?

[barakta]

I've had stuff packed in a car "in advance" - unpacked by someone else before we left. Cos I was certain *I* had packed it, I didn't realise my stuff had been UNpacked till I needed it.  On that occasion it included my spare hearing aid when I broke my main one...  I was not very happy but somehow it was my fault for not checking that my Dad hadn't "unpacked" stuff mysteriously. 

I carried hearing aids in my "hand luggage" equivalent from then on and had to obsessively ask my dad "have you unpacked my stuff again" cos he has weird reasons for not putting everything he finds BACK. 

[Kim]

And this is how teenage barakta ended up knitting her own serial cable with clothes pegs...

[barakta]

Yes, that was the second incident of Dad unpacking my stuff!   He's lovely really but MADDENING!

[Salvatore]

Number suits owned by me. 5
Number of suits in car when I arrived at hotel in Staffordshire tonight for niece's wedding tomorrow.  0

 

I've taken note of this cautionary tale and posted my suit to Wales for my niece's wedding this weekend.

If it doesn't arrive in time I'll be nipping round to Basil's to see if I can borrow one of his.

Couldn't you just put a suit in your vehicle well in advance?

In my bicycle?

Or do something like putting a penknife in your shoe (my equivalent of tying knots in handkerchiefs)?

It would probably fall through the gaps between the straps of my SPD sandals.

[Basil]

 

[andrewc]

I'm a slob as well as a div.    Reaching into the pile of unwashed cutlery in the sink for a paring knife I snagged a finger on the edge of my 12" Mora chefs knife 


Just a nick, thankfully..

[Ashaman42]

I only put 'normal' cutlery in the washing up bowl. Sharp knives stay on the side where they aren't hidden by bubbles.

Alas my better half does not always follow the same policy - this has led to more than a couple swears over the years 

[hellymedic]

I only put 'normal' cutlery in the washing up bowl. Sharp knives stay on the side where they aren't hidden by bubbles.

Alas my better half does not always follow the same policy - this has led to more than a couple swears over the years 

SNAP!

[Paul]

I cut the ends off the (excessively long) bolts that attach the bike rack to the roof bars. I thought that the time it took to do so would be repaid in time saved when fitting/removing the racks. You know: by not having to screw the nut down over the unnecessary 10-15mm of bolt and back. Also, it was a satisfying thing to do.

Several years and a car or so later, the roof bars have been replaced by 'aero' bars. I discovered on the morning of our camping trip that the new bars are a deal deeper than the old ones, and the sawn-off brackets are now too short.

I spent about an hour looking for suitable replacements in my various "that'll come in handy one day" stashes before accepting that I didn't have adequate replacements. One trip to screwfix (and another 40 mins or so) later I have some bolts that will just about do, but not for all of the fitting points. So I finish the job off (suboptimally, but sufficiently) with toe clip (and other kinds of) straps - adding another 20 mins or so.

So:

Time saved over the years by 'trimming' the original bolts = (at very best) 60 mins.

Time spent trimming the original bolts = 12 mins

Time lost attempting to replace them = 120 mins.

Result? Misery.

And it's not over yet. I wasn't happy doing more than 50 mph with the frankenfixing, so I'll still have to find a better bracket solution.

 

[Legs]

Number suits owned by me. 5
Number of suits in car when I arrived at hotel in Staffordshire tonight for niece's wedding tomorrow.  0

 

I've taken note of this cautionary tale and posted my suit to Wales for my niece's wedding this weekend.

If it doesn't arrive in time I'll be nipping round to Basil's to see if I can borrow one of his.

Couldn't you just put a suit in your vehicle well in advance?

In my bicycle?

Or do something like putting a penknife in your shoe (my equivalent of tying knots in handkerchiefs)?

It would probably fall through the gaps between the straps of my SPD sandals.

Load into pannier bag in advance? [sigh]

[Mr Larrington]

Much time and effort expended this afternoon hunting high and, indeed, low for a couple of ring binders containing paperwork related to Lt. Col. Larrington (retd.)'s financial affairs, but they appeared to be gorn, disparu like Mother's mink. "They'll turn up" we said, more in hope than expectation.

They did, about half an hour later, being exactly where I put them six months ago to raise the level of the monitor to a point where it wasn't half-hidden behind the opened lid of the laptop.

[ian]

Most perplexed by absence of any driveway lights when I glanced outside on Saturday evening, I ventured out to the control timer and spent a while faffing with the settings. Why aren't they on? It took five minutes to realise that I was standing out there at just passed midnight and they're programmed to turn off at 11.55pm...