N Boulting: | O hai! TV’s *** Boulting here! Blah! |
SD Millar: | O hai! TV’s Super D Millar reporting 4 duty. What tiem’s lunch, ***? |
N Boulting: | L8er, Super D. First we have 2 talk inanely about not much 4 an hour. Look, see, they have stopped teh pelican 4 teh anthems. We’ll show our RISPEK by cutting to teh adverts! |
| Grams: Orchestra playing Beethoven |
N Farage: | Stop that! STOP THAT!!1! We don’t have to listen 2 that rubbish any more! |
Omnes: | Get tae fck, u grubby little crypto-fascist jelly baby! |
| Exit N Farage, pursued by TV’s G Miller, with an axe |
N Boulting: | See, a futile break has formed! |
SD Millar: | Yes. Yes, it has. Still, it will be a stage 4 teh sprinters because I, TV’s Super D Millar said so. Also, since teh last Tour de France I haz heard ov Game Theory. |
Y Offredo: | O hai! I am Y Offredo and I am fukn’ nails, me! C me larrf @ ur baseball bat and StanleyTM knife tomfoolery! Let me taek teh spottyjumper or I will kill u utterly to DETH! |
T Phinney: | O hai! I am T Phinney and I am made ov teh Win! Not only iz mi Dad bigger than urs, mi Mum iz bigger than ur Dad! C me get teh spottyjumper! |
Y Offredo: | Arse! U git, T Phinney! |
T Boudat: | Ur Mum!!1! |
Y Offredo: | Fukn watch it, u gr8 ponce! |
| Later… |
N Boulting: | Because me and TV’s SD Millar are made ov teh Win, we haz negotiated a similar contract 2 teh one TV’s Evil C Boardman had 4 teh Olympics, so we iz off 4 lunch! |
SD Millar: | Yay! Caviar & quails’ eggs, turbot au beurre blanc et fruits de la forêt here I come! Let’s go, ***! |
N Boulting: | Not forgetting teh Puligny-Montrachet, Super D! Meanwhile, here are M Smith and TG Hart, a Ginsters pasty and a bottle of Pschitt… |
M Smith: | O hai! I am. TV’s M. Smith and. I am. Made ov. Teh Win! |
Omnes: | U were better in Doctor Wossname, m8! |
TG Hart: | O hai! I am TG Hart and I would liek 2 be TV’s TG Hart. Better than riding a bloody bike all day, even without teh expense account lunches! |
Omnes: | Not. A. Chance. |
| Later… |
TD Gendt: | O hai! I am TD Gendt and I am made ov teh Win! Tiem 2 chase down teh futile break! |
T Peloton: | Pack it in, u sillybollocks! |
N Boulting: | The race needs a reboot. |
Omnes: | O RLY, ***? Have u tried switching it off and on again lol? |
E ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]ez: | O hai! I am E ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]ez and I, although tipped as a potential GC contender, had a piss-awful prologue and have therefore just turned up 4 teh joke comedy purposes! |
| Quite a lot later… |
N Boulting: | Tell teh boys and girls about teh Citadel de Jülich, Super D! |
SD Millar: | (Improvising desperately) Er, it was, um, built in teh fifteenth century by Bobby Julich, as somewhere to keep teh lawnmower, er… |
B Dickinson: | O hai! I am B Dickinson, poet, airline pilot, bon viveur, soldier of fortune and winner ov teh mrs joyful prize 4 rafia work! Did I just hear a cowbell? |
SD Millar: | w00t! Saved by teh (cow)bell! |
Omnes: | Ding-DONG!!1! |
C Smash: | Do not bother 2 ask, B Dickinson, u already know teh answer! |
| Very later… |
N Boulting: | Look! Look, it is raining! |
SD Millar: | Yes. Yes, it is. Here is TV’s M Rendall and a Team $ky minion. |
M Rendall: | O hāi! Myn naem ß`appęlle M Rendałł del diståscope øg mi blong Sieg Heil! Was haz ù im di wee baggo? Fefefefe Čhris Ŵaddle. |
T$ Minion: | Nuzzing mush. Cloze, coke, shooz, weed, drinkies, yellow bentines, hatses, covfefe, arse balm, Astana BeanzTM. Uzhul Stuffs. |
SD Brailsford: | Cut! CUT, FFS!!1! |
| FX: Advertising-announcements |
A Tellyman: | Buy! Buy an Audi! Shopping is freedom! Buy peanuts! Debt is power! Buy a sofa! Buy! Buy! |
Omnes: | Look, look!!1! Teh Watchfinder-General haz turned his biek umop-ap!sdn!!1! Fukn’ heathen! |
| Meanwhile… |
C Froome: | O hai! I am C Froome and I am made of… Arse! |
R Bardet: | O hai! I am R Bardet and I… Piss! O hai, C Froome! Fancy meeting u here! |
T Phinney: | Yay! Teh spottyjumper! Now for a S Partacus-stylee assault on teh shinyjumper! |
Y Offredo: | U & whose army, T Phinney? Have a go if u think ur hard enuff! |
| Finally… |
J Bauer: | O hai! I am J Bauer and I am made ov teh Win! Previously on ‘24’… Oh. |
SD Millar: | Game Theory! |
T Peloton: | Gotcha! |
SD Millar: | Lucky break 4 mi l33t 4casting 5k1llz, eh, readers? Game Theory. |
M Kitteh: | Sprint, sprint, sprinteeeee! Yay! Pwnage! Also, miaow! Fish plz! |
A Greipel: | Piss! |
M Cavendish: | Arse! |
F Aru: | Wait… what!!1! If u hear me howling around your kitchen door, better not let me in! Oh. |
G Thomas: | Tomorrow is another day. |
J Alaphilippe: | Oi! That’s mi line! Also, RAAAWWWRRR!!1! |
CP Sagan: | Do I get to say ‘Crazy’ now? |
Omnes: | Shut up, CP Sagan!!1! |