The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)

[Basil]

Why, o why, o why o why o why, ...

Nah mate.  That's not the sort of Rant you want.  I'll tell what sort of rant you need..........
 

[Polar Bear]

Why, o why, o why o why o why, ...

Nah mate.  That's not the sort of Rant you want.  I'll tell what sort of rant you need..........
 

I was just looking out the baseball bat when I realised that somebody will be along to tell me that I need a < insert weapon of choice > instead 

[chris]

Why, o why, o why o why o why, ...

HELP PLEASE?

My p.c's borked ...   "Get a mac"

My Windows ...   "Linux is where it's at baby..."

My shimano widget ...   "Get Campag..."

My ally frame ...   "Steel is real..."

My cable disk ...   "Swap to hydraulic..."

WTF is it with people?   When somebody wants help why not just offer them help with what they already have?   They might, just might not want to invest more in swapping.  They may have good reasons for keeping what they have.

Please people, please just respect the choices of others and offer help only if you really can.  GRRRRRR!

                    

   That's much better!   

Oi, Polar Bear. I've told you before what to do with your tuppence worth.

[Chris S]

Fer F*ck's Sake.

Hey - old guy, walking your dog in the late twilight, down an unlit remote lane in Norfolk.

Don't moan at me when I say "SHeeeeiit - I didn't see you until the last minute there - why not wear something reflective?"

I'm just saying this - in case next time, you're not fortunate enough to have a cyclist come up behind you but instead a 19 yr old twat-in-a-Corsa doing a "Jeremy Clarkson" in the lanes whilst trying to impress his girlfriend from a local sink estate.

Please - for your own sake (and your 137 year old sheepdog) - wear something reflective  .

[Mr Larrington]

Bloody contractors!  The ones replacing all the water mains near Larrington Towers!  Fix your temporary traffic lights, ere I conduct an experiment to determine the precise temperature at which your face catches fire

[Charlotte]

Busch and Muller!

You may make some of the brightest solid state dynamo lighting units on the market at the moment, but would it be too much to ask if you couldn't see your way clear to chucking in a couple of SON-compatible spade terminals so I can actually plug your light into my hub dynamo when I get home tonight rather than have to pay extra to special a couple from somewhere?

Gits.

[Jacomus]

Alright Mr HP Color(sic) LaserJet 2550Ln

I've come to terms with the fact that no matter what I do, you will only print one page every 90seconds and that my current print job will take the next 2hrs and 10minutes.

I have also resigned myself to the fact the your measly paper tray will only hold 1/3 of the amount of nice paper I need for this print job.

You had a brand new cartridge this morning, in preparation for these Very Very Important Folders that I am making.

SO WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU RUN OUT OF INK AFTER PRINTING JUST 84 PAGES


ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH

[blackpuddinonnabike]

Alright Mr HP Color(sic) LaserJet 2550Ln

I've come to terms with the fact that no matter what I do, you will only print one page every 90seconds and that my current print job will take the next 2hrs and 10minutes.

I have also resigned myself to the fact the your measly paper tray will only hold 1/3 of the amount of nice paper I need for this print job.

You had a brand new cartridge this morning, in preparation for these Very Very Important Folders that I am making.

SO WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU RUN OUT OF INK AFTER PRINTING JUST 84 PAGES


ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Cos it's a laser printer and takes a toner cartridge rather than ink? In truth I tihnk it did quite well struggling along for 84 pages using a medium it's not used to and you should give the poor printer a bit of a break. Tsk.

[robgul]

Alright Mr HP Color(sic) LaserJet 2550Ln

I've come to terms with the fact that no matter what I do, you will only print one page every 90seconds and that my current print job will take the next 2hrs and 10minutes.

I have also resigned myself to the fact the your measly paper tray will only hold 1/3 of the amount of nice paper I need for this print job.

You had a brand new cartridge this morning, in preparation for these Very Very Important Folders that I am making.

SO WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU RUN OUT OF INK AFTER PRINTING JUST 84 PAGES


ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH

Has it REALLY run out - or is just telling you it has run out? 

There's a bodge/fix to trick HP printers to ignore the message when they think they have run oout (the printer does a count on pages and assumes the cartridges run out at a certain number)

If so, PM me and I'll dig out the details

Rob

[clarion]

Take out your toner cartridge & give it a bit of a shake.

Reassembly is the reverse of disassembly.

[Jacomus]

Take out your toner cartridge & give it a bit of a shake.

Reassembly is the reverse of disassembly.

Been there, done that, got no t-shirt

[robgul]

Take out your toner cartridge & give it a bit of a shake.

Reassembly is the reverse of disassembly.

Been there, done that, got no t-shirt

Yep - only works for black cartridges - it's probably the counter that you need to fix

Rob

[clarion]

OK.  Worth a go...

[Tom M]

To Mr Gill, aka The most bloody useless Estate Agent to ever have the audacity to steal our precious oxygen from the atmosphere,

You sir, are an arse of the highest order. No please, stop your screaming. This rusty teaspoon I am currently engaging to scrape out what pitiful matter you regard as a brain is a mere trifle compared to what I have lined up for you.

Fetch me the bicycle clips and the rabid ferretts.

It's not like you can be doing much at the moment anyway, so why not try to sort out the sale of our chuffing house!

Ah, that's a little better now.

[clarion]

You do realise that, with all the estate agents being 'let go' as a result of a poor housing market, we are left with the creme de la creme?

[Notsototalnewbie]

Oi! Tonsils!

Stop getting tonsillitis, I've had enough, it makes me feel shite in general and I can't ride my bike. At least two/three attacks a year since I was 17. It's rubbish, leave me alone. The doctor won't even give me antibiotics now that they're being extra-strict about them (for reasons I understand) so it takes me even longer to get rid of it.

I'd have you whipped out like a shot if the NHS offered me the opportunity, be warned (although this is unlikely I know). Little bastards.

Felt worse this morning after initially thinking I was better. Hauled sorry arse into doc's, got appt straight away. I have a nice box of amoxicillin now. Yum.

[clarion]

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Unsolicited testimonials:

Mr A Tosser of Carshalton writes:  Before taking Professor Clarion's course, I shouted "We' li' you Kan" at a cyclist who turned right in front of me.  Now I realise that there was no red light, and I was just being a complete dicksplash.  Thank you, Professor Clarion!

Mr D Rivinmymumscorsa of Carshalton writes:  Until a friend recommended Professor Clarion's course, I thought it was reasonable to cut onto a roundabout directly in front of a cyclist, and then drive alongside him spouting complete bollocks.  Now I am a changed man, and Professor Clarion has convinced me that I should give my mum her car back because I can't actually drive.


Special Offer:  Buy the Basic and Advanced Course together, get 25% off the advertised price!  In just six months, you too could be almost human!*



* Professor Clarion Inc cannot accept returns from people too moronic to pas Part One.

[clarion]

PRESS RELEASE+++PRESS RELEASE+++PRESS RELEASE+++

Clarion Industries are proud to unveil their new innovation for the motorist.

Ever wondered where that vehicle travelling near you was intending to go?  Here's an end to motoring misery with:

Clarion's patent (pending) electric direction signs.

A brilliant visual device, consisting of lights to be placed at the corners of vehicles - front and back - which flash to show which way the driver intends to pilot his vehicle.  They are controlled by a simple lever device easily fitted to, and integrated with, the existing steering column controls.  It's single finger operation is no problem for even the laziest of drivers!

With this indication, life on the roads will be much safer and less stressful, and road traffic will be able to travel more smoothly and swiftly.

Clarion Industries are expecting this innovation to catch on quickly, though they are expecting sales in the London region to be a bit slower (like the mental capacity of the drivers)


This item is compatible with all makes of car except Mercedes and BMW, for which it is non-functional.

[clarion]

Clarion, you complete arse!  All you had to do was put the four Certificates into the same envelope as they were returned to you.

So why have you only got three in there?

Hmm?

Wazzock!

[clarion]

Belated Public Service Announcement:

Today, Clarion may contain Grump or traces of Grump.

[clarion]

Don't be stupid!

Yesterday, you said my mailbox was 94% full.  OK, so yesterday I got some big attachments, putting me up to 99%.

So why when I've deleted all that, and a lot of my sent stuff, as well as some other emails with attachments I've saved to the shared drive, are you still showing 99%?  That's just silly.

[robgul]

Slow day at Clarion Towers today ??

Rob

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Just fill the fecking forms in and send them back.

[David Martin]

Don't be stupid!

Yesterday, you said my mailbox was 94% full.  OK, so yesterday I got some big attachments, putting me up to 99%.

So why when I've deleted all that, and a lot of my sent stuff, as well as some other emails with attachments I've saved to the shared drive, are you still showing 99%?  That's just silly.

Now delete them from the 'deleted items' or 'trash' folder. Then delete them from the 'really deleted items' folder.

Rant: Why, when a two line email is sent to all 20,000+ users of the system, does my inbox capacity get docked the entire size - 600Mb.  Bah! Stupid, Stupid system.

..d

[clarion]

Just let it go, will you?

No one was hurt; everybody else has moved on; it's a long time ago.

Let it go, and we can all relax.