I think I forgot to mention Dark Storm 'armageddon is on the horizon' (I really was having a good weekend). This was brilliant for more reasons than I can adequately enumerate, but I'm not letting that stop me because inadequacy would be my middle name, if I had one, which I don't.
First, it featured an evil satellite. How do I know it was bad. It had a red light on the end, that's how you tell. Can it manipulate the weather? Oh, it surely can. That's the STORM. You can't have a proper apocalypse without a storm. OK, earthquakes and volcanoes work too. Possibly giant beetles.
But dark, what makes it's dark, ian? you so reasonably ask. Let me tell you.
Dark matter, that's what. Some spiffly scientists whinge that it's undetectable. Not so, I saw it at the weekend, conjured up by cheap special effects made on a Commodore Amiga. Anyway, they put the dark matter in the satellite, because you're not going to keep it in the fridge, and everyone needs a dark matter-filled weather manipulation satellite (red light, don't forget it). It's certainly on my birthday list. But oops, an orbital bolt punctures it and ought it starts to leak, a steamer of darkest matter. That's going to be a problem somewhat worse than bike oil on the carpet.
Now the downside of frothing about with dark matter is that it's a bit messy, so if you're the lead scientist, well, you might get exposed. It's a risk factor in a movie like this. Now, I imagine at this point I have you enticed, and you may be thinking what more? The lead scientist. Two precious words. Take a moment. Make sure you're seated. Stephen Baldwin. A genuine Baldwin. Filled with dark matter.
So, Stephen Baldwin with weather manipulation powers. Come on, I can't be the only one who's had that dream. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, baby.
It gets better (don't argue, it might not seem possible given the description so far, but hang on). It's not fair to say Stephen 'Chunky' Balwin can't act since he mostly seemed so baked that he didn't know he was in a movie. But the scriptwriters weren't fazed, the made it clear that he was suffering the effects of a surfeit of dark matter and not an excess of prescription medication and cheap scotch. All good then.
And when Chunky Baldwin and a wonky satellite go to weather war? You know the score.
It wasn't all good, there was a sex scene (putting Chunky on top was inadvisable I feel) that ended sparkly. No really, it did, in a cloud of sparkles. It's actually hard to describe and trust me, I have some expertise in sex scenes. That's not the bad thing, I'm sure we've all wanted a sparkly ending. The disappointment was that my wife and I both shouted (I hesitate to say ejaculated, but it's the word for the job) "DARK MATTER BABY!!!!!"
There was, alas, no dark matter baby. That would have been the sequel to end all sequels.
I'm already looking forward to this weekend, though I am disappointed to find Shark in Venice is not yet available on Prime.
