The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)

[Bledlow]

So we've been operating on an ancient back-up system all weekend and will spend most of tomorrow morning trying to transfer all data back to where it should be because you, Mr On Call, didn't answer your fucking mobile.

My colleague wants to be a fly on the wall when you get into work tomorrow; I don't, I want to be in the same room as you and I'll be carrying a baseball bat you fucktard.

I remember someone being sacked for that at Vodafone. Might have escaped with a written warning except that 1) he was a serial offender & 2) he put the standby hours on his timesheet.

I can remember his face, but not his name . . .

[Oscar's dad]

Verified by Visa ...

I fucking hate you.  You make it harder to use my credit card on the web and you don't stop it from being cloned.  So what's the fucking point???

       

[Riggers]

Fuck off rain.   

[Wascally Weasel]

All the supermarkets. Why have you discontinued angelica? How can one make a Christmas cake without it? It's the best bit. 

*ahem*

Marzipan.

[border-rider]

Verified by Visa ...

I fucking hate you.  You make it harder to use my credit card on the web and you don't stop it from being cloned.  So what's the fucking point???

       

+1

I failed to buy some train tickets for my mum last week because "verified by Visa" wasn't working.

[Jaded]

Verified by Visa ...

I fucking hate you.  You make it harder to use my credit card on the web and you don't stop it from being cloned.  So what's the fucking point???

       

+1 to that.

[L CC]

Some time ago I had a contretemps with an employee of JOHN D PRECIOUS.

Today came the comeback he had been waiting for.

He overtook me (at a very safe distance) through an enormous lake, and his wheels threw a bathload of brown 'water' all over me. What joy.

Imagine my delight on arriving at work to find I had taken my towel home for washing on Friday and forgotten to replace it today.

Rain- you can stop now.

[Oscar's dad]

Not having the best start to what will no doubt prove to be a shit week ...

The last time I looked I was a simple Account Manager who has been cruelly overlooked when it comes to promotion and who's career is some years behind his peers.  Not that I want to stalk the corridors of power cos that's where the bucket loads of shit are to be found.  

However, given my menial status why is that my Very Larger Corporate ^TM employer suddenly assumes I have legal training???  So why am I playing Chinese Whispers with our Legal Team and my Very Large Corporate ^TM customer's Legal Team.  Why don't you overpaid fuckwits just talk to each other and cut out the underpaid, decidedly uninterested middle man (me!)

[clarion]

Get in the right lane, you fucking prick.  It's not so long ago that a woman was killed on Elephant & Castle roundabout by a truck veering between lanes at the exit.  Let's not add to that by you crushing a cyclist in the centre of the island just because you are such a crap driver.

Please could you in future ensure that you get logos painted onto your white van, so I know where to come hunting you down with a sharpened teaspoon to extract your liver slowly and painfully who to complain to.

I would have given you a piece of my mind if I had been able to chase you down instead of having to deal with....

[clarion]

...what the fuck was that?

Big flash of yellow by my right elbow followed by a bump to my shoulder from a wing mirror.  

'OI, you fucking bastard!  Stop now.'

No use, but a call from the pavement, 'You go get him!'

DHL.  Clocked it.  Remember that number.  ?BN 59 WHF.  Remember.  Remember.  Watch where he's going.  He is not going to get away with that.  Wanker.  Chase along the new Kent Road.  I'm gonna get him at Bricklayers Arms.

Swerve.  

Shit.  He's gone over the flyover.  I can't catch him up there.  Bollocks.  But I smile, knowing that he's scared enough of a cyclist to divert.

Remember the number.  Remember.  Now, turn into a quiet street.  Not sure where.  Write the number down.  Time.  Place.  Got it. Got him.  Careless driving and Leaving the Scene of an Accident.  That should shit them up enough.

And breathe as winding through the empty streets to work.

Bastard.


EDIT:  Apologies for lack of creativity in my ranting.  I'm scared & angry this morning.  Two attempts on my life in the space of a minute wasn't nice.

[clarion]

On a broader theme, would motorists please note that on frosty mornings, certain different conditions are in place:

i  The road can be slippery, and cyclists may be taking care to avoid ice.  DO NOT use your horn to clear them out of your way.

ii You may have noticed that there was ice on some of your windows this morning.  Please take a few moments to clear it off, and

iii Your windows are more likely to mist up.  It's not foggy; it's on the inside.  That's the side you are.  So it's close enough that you could, for example, wipe it.

These last two points are important.  If you are going to behave in such a way that you might be killing me (and it appears you are), you might have the decency to be able to look me in the eye before you fuck up.

[clarion]

Aaand finally (well, almost I think):

Note to self: motorbikes are allowed in the bus lane at the approach to Walworth Road RAB, but not via the entrance to the lane, only by crossing the solid white line

Motorbikes are, in addition, fatter than bicycles. 

This means that they may plug up a space you were hoping to pass through by cutting in from the right as you, for example, overtake a bus. Then they might stop abruptly.  And it is reasonable to expect you to also stop if you are the vehicle behind, and not run your front wheel into the indicator stalk of a motorbike, however moronic the operator. 

[clarion]

While we are on a roll, let's remind the removals drivers from the Hackbridge depot that cyclists exist and that they travel rather faster than you expect.  Sure, they might not damage your van or cause you too much inconvenience if you hit them (see the Stubbs case), but you should still give way if there is traffic on the road you wish to join.

Oh, and put that can the fuck down if you want to drive that wagon.

[Charlotte]

*wonders about making Clarion his own board*

[clarion]

Can I share it with Mr Larrington?

[Jaded]

*wonders about making Clarion his own board*

er, own forum, surely?   

[Regulator]

...what the fuck was that?

Big flash of yellow by my right elbow followed by a bump to my shoulder from a wing mirror.  

'OI, you fucking bastard!  Stop now.'

No use, but a call from the pavement, 'You go get him!'

DHL.  Clocked it.  Remember that number.  ?BN 59 WHF.  Remember.  Remember.  Watch where he's going.  He is not going to get away with that.  Wanker.  Chase along the new Kent Road.  I'm gonna get him at Bricklayers Arms.

Swerve.  

Shit.  He's gone over the flyover.  I can't catch him up there.  Bollocks.  But I smile, knowing that he's scared enough of a cyclist to divert.

Remember the number.  Remember.  Now, turn into a quiet street.  Not sure where.  Write the number down.  Time.  Place.  Got it. Got him.  Careless driving and Leaving the Scene of an Accident.  That should shit them up enough.

And breathe as winding through the empty streets to work.

Bastard.


EDIT:  Apologies for lack of creativity in my ranting.  I'm scared & angry this morning.  Two attempts on my life in the space of a minute wasn't nice.

Reported to the police I hope - you may find this link useful.

Also, don't forget to add it to STOP SMIDSY 

[clarion]

  Not reported to Police.  But reported to DHL, who dealt with it quite well, taking my details down on a form, and promising me a ring back.

[Regulator]

  Not reported to Police.  But reported to DHL, who dealt with it quite well, taking my details down on a form, and promising me a ring back.

Print the form and have an enjoyable evening filling it in.  The more reports the more reliable the stats will be.

[David Martin]

You work here. That means you know the building has a nice wooden floor. You spend a lot of time walking between offices. So why don't you get some nice shoes that don't sound like an arthritic centipede with a wooden leg doing a tango every time you walk.. It would mean that those of us trying to get some work done with a bit of a cold won't suffer the pounding headache that your footsteps sledgehammer through our brains..

[David Martin]

I have finally got all my data in order to run the big calibration job. Job submitted and set running just before I left to get on the train to head south.  And the datacenter temperature control has gone tits up and so the compute cluster is being shut down pronto. Which will leave me a bit of a mess to tidy up when it is restarted.

*grump*

And fit some bl**dy silencers to your shoes. (see rant passim)

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Oi, lorry driver. I have enough sense not to go up the left of a lorry, even when the queue is stationary, but once the queue starts to move again, indicating in advance of turning left would aid the rest of us in making our decisions about positioning. And, if you're going to pull in and stop, indicating before you pull in would make things better for everyone behind you.

Phones 4 U - are you ever going to get back to me about my broken phone?

[rower40]

Oi.  Virgin Cable.  Put that 50-ohm terminator back where it's meant to be, and restore teh internets to us CUSTOMERS in the Derby area.

I've had to plug in my Orange Dongle, and so I'm having to type this      r   e   a   l    l   y                s   l   o   w   l    y.

[fuzzy]

Pedestrians of the World! Pay attention.

Many of us share your need to employ Shank’s Pony to get about. When doing so, we tend to use the pavements, for that is their intended function- to be walked upon. Now, a bit of advice about sharing-

1) There are two types of clusters of pedestrians. Type 1 is called a Cluster and comprises of pedestrians in the plural who manage to make their progress along the pavement in such a manner that the only sharing conflict might be a quick dose of the Jitterbugs whilst opposing peds decide whether to pass left shoulder to left shoulder or right to right. Type 2 is called a Clusterfuck and comprises of pedestrians in the plural who progress along the pavement paying no fucking heed whatsoever to other pedestrians, forcing them to pass by walking in the road, across gardens, via Timbukfuckingtu etc. SHARE you fuckwits!

2) If, when engaged in pedestrianing, you meet someone you know and decide to chat, do so adjacent to the building or fence line etc. NOT by standing in a Clusterfuck in the middle of the pavement, requiring other pedestrians to negotiate you by walking in the road, across gardens or via Zanzifuckingbar! I realise that the conversation you are having is vitally important and you haven't seen the person you are talking to for ooooh, at least 5 minutes but, my life is also important (to me) and I don't want to play with the traffic in order to get past you.

Ignorant, selfish knob jockeys, the lot of you.

[Mrs Pingu]

fuzzy, you read my mind, I was just thinking this very sort of rant on my way to French class this evening.
Why do people have such a lack of what's going on around them?