The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)

[Charlotte]

Senior citizens of Middlesex inclined to a spot of DIY are quite safe.  To the best of my Knowledge, B&Q don't sell sandwiches, sushi, salads or any other lunchtime comestibles...

[rusky]

There are vending machines in most of the ones aroun here...

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Phones 4 U can suck my cock. My phone broke and it's less than a year old and I didn't break it, it just broke, so I sent it back for repair under warranty and I've just used the online repair tracking and it's listed as awaiting quote as not to be done under warranty. 

[Chris S]

Phones 4 U can suck my cock.

Erm...

Yours
Puzzled of Norfolk

[nicknack]

Strap-on, of course.

[CAMRAMan]

Or poultry-based bestiality?

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Erm...

Yours
Puzzled of Norfolk

I have one I keep specially for errant telecommunications companies. BT are very familiar with it. Occasionally white van man gets a go on it too.

[Greenbank]

It's very GI Jane.

Mmm...Demi.

[Bledlow]

Phones 4 U can suck my cock.

You are Myra Breckinridge & ICMFP!

[Mr Larrington]

The reason, dear luser, that your underling hasn't been added to the distribution list for that report is simples:

You replied to the e-mail which had your copy of the report attached to it.

This message was sent to you by a piece of software.

It does not understand what you are asking of it.

Go through the Helldesk like everyone else, dolt.

Dear Helldesk Operators

Stop using automated software to distribute stuff.  Get a proper person to do it, so we can join/leave circulation lists more easily.

 

Hark at Captain Caveman!  Perhaps we should just junk the Babbage-Engines and replace them with a medium-sized army of clerks with goose quills.

[eck]

Cheap rubbish crap cheap useless Tesco mobile phone, how very dare you stop working after an hour in the washing machine. It was only a 30deg wash, FFS. 

[David Martin]

Cold. Go Away.

[Bledlow]

Cheap rubbish crap cheap useless Tesco mobile phone, how very dare you stop working after an hour in the washing machine. It was only a 30deg wash, FFS. 

The Sonim XP1 - a rugged mobile phone for cyclists?

And now - the even tougher XP3!
Sonim - rugged cell phone, tough mobile phone, waterproof cell phone, XP3 Cell Phone, toughestphone.com  - waterproof case, durable cell phone, most durable cell phone, outdoor mobile phone, rugged cell phone, rugged cell phones, tough cell phone, tough cell phones, tough mobile phone, waterproof case cell, waterproof cell phone, waterproof cell phones, waterproof mobile phone, waterproof phone case, Sonim XP3, XP3, cell phone, mobile phone, samsung mobile phone, samsung cell phone, nokia 5140, samsung d500, motorola i560, siemens M75, casio gzone, sony scp-7050, casio waterproof cell phone, casio type-s, casio type-r, motorola rugged phone, motorola waterproof phone, casio rugged phone,

[clarion]

I am very supportive of the work of traffic wardens and parking enforcement officers - they make our lives much better.

What I don't support is when a Parking Enforcement Officer drives his car out onto a roundabout in front of a cyclist without even looking to the right.

I have complained to Southwark Council, and I wait to see what occurs.

[Moondog]

Old people in the Sainsburys in South Ruislip!  You've got all fucking day to do your grocery shopping.  So unless it's specifically in order to piss me off, why the cocking hell would you choose to be queuing up to pay for your eighty seven cans of "value" dog food at exactly the same time as people who work for a living are just nipping out for a sandwich?

My time is valuable and I've got a shit load of stuff to do today.  I want to get in there, buy some lunch and get out a bit sharpish.  You, on the other hand, want to mill about aimlessly looking for bargains and arguing the toss about the price of Brains' Faggots or whatever disgusting mush it is that you're buying today.

Finish your shopping by noon or don't start until after 2pm, you bunch of malodorous, liver-spotted coffin-dodgers 

Charlotte  I think i will remove the rather effete signature that i have currently in place and use
malodorous,liver-spotted,coffin-dodger.  Rather proud of that.

Sorry to have held you up.
n

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

One of my colleagues didn't come in yesterday and we didn't know why. Today she was in and told us she'd spent the night at the hospital and giving statements to the police. Her husband was badly kicked and beaten by about 15 youths, the youngest of whom was 11 years old. They surrounded him, knocked him to the ground, stamped on his head and kicked him, then realised he wasn't "that paki" they were intending to beat up and ran off. "That paki" is my colleague's Muslim neighbour who has been the victim of aggression and verbal abuse from them for months.

Fortunately, the whole thing was caught on CCTV, two of them have admitted it and they've been charged.

[rogerzilla]

IBM, Lenovo or whichever Chinese crap foundry you are these days.  Your USB desktop keyboard, which I am forced to use at work, sucks ass.  It constantly misses my pressing of the Shift key so I have to go back through the whole report and insert the missing capital letters.  The laptop keyboard (when I unplug the big keyboard and use it directly) doesn't do this and nor does any other keyboard I've ever used.

While I'm on the subject, why do you persist in putting CTRL where SHIFT should be on your laptops?  It's almost as stupid as Apple's one-button mouse, although you know what you're getting into when you drop £2000 on £500-worth of Mac hardware, I suppose.

[TheLurker]

<snip> Perhaps we should just junk the Babbage-Engines and replace them with a medium-sized army of clerks with goose quills.

I like the cut of yer jib young feller me lad! That sounds like a corking idea! We get rid of all these energy hungry electronical comptometers (which aren't even Empire made!) so removing the need for all these silly bloody windmills everywhere, we solve the literacy and numeracy crisis, provide work for all the feckless layabouts as clerks , the pencil, pen and paper and postal industries and, this is the bit that I really like... we drive Microsoft into bankruptcy because no one has to use Microsoft Windows ever, ever, ever again aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha *cough* sorry, got a bit carried away there.  Doesn't mean it isn't a good idea though.


{Edit:Reality=OFF}
Ohhh can you imagine it?  No more Powerpoint (*spit*) presentations ever again....
{/Edit:Reality=ON}

[JohnP]

...  We get rid of all these energy hungry electronical comptometers ...

I've still got a woman powered comptometer in a cupboard at home. It was used to extend and total the first £1,000,000 parts list for an aircraft from de Haviland.

[clarion]

{Edit:Reality=OFF}
Ohhh can you imagine it?  No more Powerpoint (*spit*) presentations ever again....
{/Edit:Reality=ON}

Superficially, this sounds fine, but, having been an AV engineer in the time before babbage engines took over, I can tell you that trying to extract a .ppt from a USB stick that someone has forgotten the password to is as nothing compared to anxiously ringing the developers to get them to actually process the slides, then collating them and re-ordering three times as the speaker changes his mind, in the process turning a good half-dozen on their side or flipping them while manually reviewing (that is, if they don't drop the whole carousel moments before their presentation).  Oh, and then there's the luvie-ish projector bulbs that would go off in a strop at the slightest whisper of movement, or if they felt they'd run for long enough and wanted a lie down...

Oh, and, after all that, the slides the speaker had prepared were badly laid out, dark & fuzzy, so people shouted at you to get it in focus.  Well, give me acamera, the source material, and a couple of days, and I will!  Until that time...

Powerpoint seemed like heaven by comparison.

[Oscar's dad]

Santander ...

I am trying to use the interweb to sort something out on my newly acquired credit card.  I am an Englishman and in common with many of my compatriots don't have a huge grasp of foreign tongues.  Therefore, don't post error messages on your website in fucking Spanish.  What the fuck does this mean ...?

Descripción: Se ha producido un error en el procesamiento de la petición.

Solución: Por favor, inicie de nuevo la sesión introduciendo su usuario y contraseña.

Si el problema persiste, puede comunicar la incidencia por la aplicación de "Gestión de Consultas e  incidencias" disponible en el PORTAL C.U.S.U.R.

This probably means that I have to phone you up and speak to your call centre that appeared to be in India - that wasn't a fab experience either.

I knew I should have stuck with First Direct    Variety isn't always the spice of life.

[Greenbank]

Description: error processing request.

Solution: Please initiate (start) a new session by entering your username and password.

If the problem persists, please communicate the incident using the "<something or other involving questions and incidents" application on the (probably, not entirely sure) user portal.

[Oscar's dad]

Description: error processing request.

Solution: Please initiate (start) a new session by entering your username and password.

If the problem persists, please communicate the incident using the "<something or other involving questions and incidents" application on the (probably, not entirely sure) user portal.

Thought so.  I need to phone India - great.

[arabella]

Not-remotely-dear-to-me person who plans pedestrian crossings,

kindly set up pedestrian crossing lights so that they go green INSTANTLY for pedestrians.  We are NOT 2nd class citizens.  We want to cross the road NOW, not after umpteen further cars have rolled up and rolled past - we were here BEFORE them.  If you insist on a minimum timespan between successive pedestrian greens then build this in AFTER the previous pedestrian green. 
If that's too complicated then do whatever you do with normal traffic lights so that they take it in turns.  If pedestrians are expected to wait when there are no cars, then the reverse should also apply.  You're not suggesting pedestirans are inferior, after all?

As regards motion detection sensors for traffic lights, will you (a) reply to my previous missive on the subject and (b) make sure they all react to cycles.  I have found another set. 

PAH.

[richie]

Not-remotely-dear-to-me person who plans pedestrian crossings,

Will you also cease putting zebra crossings at the exit point of roundabouts.
 Having to think about the crossing whilst simultaneously changing gear, checking mirrors, wondering what the twunt in the other lane is going to do, answering my mobile etc. is one call too many.

As a Ped i think they are dangerous.   As a driver i think they are dangerous.  And if i was a cat, i'd still think they were dangerous.