G Imlach (59): | O hai! I, TV's G Imlach, welcome u 2 a day ov pain, agony, igony, oogany & mahogany on teh Tour ov France! And how beter 2 start than by wishing TV's *** Boulting a hapy birthda! |
Bethany (9): | Hapy birthda 2 u/I went 2 teh zoo/I seed a goriler/An' I fort it woz u! |
A Greipel (36): | Oi! |
G Imlach: | He's 50! Offishuly a nold git! |
SD Millar (42): | LOL &, moreover, roffle! |
N Boulting (50): | IT'S NOT FUNNY!!1! |
Omnes: | Oh! Yes! It! Is! |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all, I'm going 2 teh pub & YORE NOT INVITED! [Exit, @ teh flounce] |
TP Kennaugh (30): | Ooooh! Tetchy! |
G Imlach: | So. Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz. A better predictificator than PTP Octopus! |
D Friebe: | O hai! C me interview G Thomas ect ect! [Interviews G Thomas] U kno SB Wiggins V Nibbles C Froome all haz shinyjumper on teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz & pwn teh Tour? |
G Thomas: | No. |
G Imlach: | Haz *** stopped sulking? |
SD Millar: | Yes. Yes, he has. Teh cameraman showed up 2 put him on teh tellybox. Teh #MediaTart! |
N Boulting: | A smile, a song, a Scotch! Hic! |
M Smith: | Twitchy nervy gravelly punchy climby da1! Mi slave 2da iz A Tennant! Sa o hai 2 teh niec grilz & boiz, A Tennant! |
A Tennant: | O hai! I can haz pasty? |
| [FX: BRRRRGGGGZAPF] |
A Tennant: | W? T? Fkn? F? |
M Smith: | That woz ur fault. They tole me u woz him out ov Teh Pet Shop Boiz! |
N Boulting: | Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz. Woz a Horrid & then C Prudhomme maek it worserer wif 1/2 a mile ov 1:4 dirts! |
D Martin: | He's a cnt! |
5’s Mummy: | Ai sai, young man! That was most unliek a true Son ov Leicester Erin! |
D Martin: | sozmissispoulidorfanshaw! |
5’s Mummy: | Ai should jolly well think so 2! |
C Prudhomme: | Scram, u fckwitted wombles! [Waves fleg] |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Look, see! Break 2da haz T Wellens TD Gendt N Politt T Walloper C Ewan... wait, WHAT? C Ewan cannot climb teh stairs! |
C Ewan: | U been @ ***’s Happy Juice, Super D? I am in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! |
N Boulting: | Not 4 long ahahahaha! |
C Ewan: | Wnkr! |
N Boulting: | OK, 14 idiots in teh break. Time 4 teh brandyyyyyy! Set 'em up, B Bargeld W Barguil M Barkeep! |
D Friebe: | C me interview ect ect! [Interviews S Knaven] |
S Knaven: | I made mi dorter ride up teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz filluming it on her fone! |
EC Boardman [via teh Dark Web]: | Class! nataS pihsroW! |
Bethany (9): | U should ov asked me, S Knaven! Anyfing's beter than dbl goegrafi & turkey fukn twizzl0rz! |
Omnes: | Now there's a idea 4 next yr, Vsquared! Instead ov TP Kennaugh running or *** wuf hiz wanky Brompton send Bethany (10) 2 recce teh climbs! |
Bethany (9): | Maek it so! |
SD Millar: | Do teh French allow arsonists into teh cuntry? |
Bethany (9): | FFS! TEH SEE PEE ESS SED NO CASE 2 RNSER! |
N Boulting: | Coff coff age ov Crinimal Irresponsibility coff! |
Bethany (9): | I h8 u all! |
SD Millar: | Cut! Cut, FFS! B4 we're all murdid in r bedz! |
M Smith & A Tennant: | [Stuffs] |
ML Maire: | That A Tennant's actually quite lucid, innit! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Cometh teh snottysprint! A Greipel FTW! |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
A Pasqualon: | \o/ |
A Greipel: | I h8 this! |
SD Millar: | uuuuuuuuuuuur SHIT! |
A Greipel: | Fck! Off! |
| [Sur Le Markstein] |
T Wellens: | \o/ Spottypoints! |
| [Sur Le Big Balloon] |
TD Gendt: | \o/ Spottypoints |
Omnes: | WTF? |
TD Gendt: | U want G Ciccone 2 pwn teh climb & kick off a string ov lame Madonna gags? |
Omnes: | No, ur rite, TD Gendt! This must b prevented @ all costs! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Super D haz gone hunting. Here iz Tiny P Kennaugh! |
TP Kennaugh: | Wind! Rain! R Porte! |
R Porte: | Did I tell u about teh tiem I abandoned teh Tour ov Ur Mum after ur Dad showed up? |
Bethany (9): | I hope that remark woz not aimed @ me, R Porte! |
R Porte: | Ahahahahahahaha hahahaha no! |
TP Fairy: | O hai! O hai, W Barguil! Stabbity stab! |
Bethany (9): | Fckls! |
A Delaplace: | Ph3@r not, W Barguil! I will help u bak 2 teh pelican's mitey beek! |
W Barguil: | How u do that from 200m behind me? U descend liek teh little gril! |
Bethany (9): | Mi suport iz a fickle thing, W Barguil! Watch ur step! |
W Barguil: | Ulp! |
| [Sur Le Col de Wot *** Calls "Hoonsdruck"] |
N Boulting: | SD Millar aka Nimrod teh Mitey Hunter iz bak! U catch anything, Super D? |
SD Millar: | I cort a hotdog! Wif sauerkraut! |
Omnes: | Less ov teh Nimrod, MOAR ov teh Elmer Fudd! |
SD Millar: | I h8 u all! |
N Bahane: | \o/ Spottypoints! Also, plz 2 not confuzzle me wif N Bouhanni kthxbai! |
N Bouhanni [via Mumsnet]: | Wnkr! Want sum? |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | All teh teams haz an iron in teh fire & a card in teh game1! |
Omnes: | *** Boulting: no metaphor left unmixed! |
N Boulting: | Gits! Tiem 4 lunch & brandyyyyyy!!1! |
M Smith: | Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz gravel suits climbier riders! |
ML Maire: | Joak about "Teh Ballad Ov Climie Fisher" goes here ==> |
A Tennant: | A Yates FTW! Poker-dot jersey1! |
M Smith: | TD Gendt... liek a moff 2 teh flame1! |
| [Sur Le Balloon ov Alsace] |
A Tennant: | ... & then I went 2 Furryboottoon & got mi finger smashed! |
R Kennedy: | Fit u lookin' @3? |
D Groaningwagon: | I h8 this! |
A Greipel: | I, also, h8 this! |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
N Edet: | I h8 this so much that I am going hoam! [Goes hoam] |
T Wellens: | \o/ Spottypoints! Ta, TD Gendt! |
TD Gendt: | A racing beast's gotta do wot a racing beast's gotta do, innit! |
G Ciccone: | Bah! I am still Liek A Virgin when it come 2 spottypwnz! |
SD Millar: | ... and teh whole team haz 2 b Excellent1! |
WS Preston (Esq.): | Excellent!!1! |
T"T" Logan: | Wyld Stallyns!! |
T Moviestar: | Tiem 4 r close-up! We haz a new! IMPROVED!!1! plan this yr! |
Omnes: | O RLY? |
T Moviestar: | Yes. Yes, we do. Obv we cannot wait for C Froome 2 fck up iffen he iz not here... |
Omnes: | And? |
T Moviestar: | ...so we'll wait 4 G Thomas 2 fck up & then look liek tw@s when he doesn't! |
Omnes: | Genius! |
T Shitverts: | Buy! Buy a cancer a BEARS a river cruise from a woman wif an accent from posh end ov Ganymede a bingo a camp goat cod liver oil a Mercedes-Benz anna donkey from TV's SP Stewart! Buy! |
| [Sur Le Col des Croix] |
N Boulting: | T Wellens & TD Gendt! They're BFFs, u kno! |
TD Gendt: | \o/ Spottypoints. |
T Wellens: | \o/ Spottypoint & teh spottyjumper 4 another day! Ta, TD Gendt, ur mi BFF! |
Bethany (9): | Get a room, u 2 |
TD Gendt: | Not content wif starting teh break & leading out T Wellens 4 teh spottystuffs I, TD Gendt, will assault attack 4 teh LULZ0RZ! |
Omnes: | [Displays understandable caution in teh face ov utter madness] |
B Dickinson: | Oooh! Can I pla? |
D Woodgale's Dad: | No. No, u cannot! Comin' raaaahnd 'ere wiv ur leathür, stüds & motorbiek racing team! |
B Dickinson: | Waaaaaah! |
| [Sur Le Col des Chevrères] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh pelican iz going harry flatters & TD Gendt iz still getting away! |
CP Sagan: | I h8 this! |
L Rowe: | I h8 this! |
EH Boson: | I h8 this! |
TD Gendt: | Even tho I am now fuxx0red and haz been cort by teh break, I luv this! |
Bethany's Mum: | C mi website 4 details, discounts 4 regular customers! |
W Poels: | I h8 this! |
SD Millar: | Teh pelican iz in bits! Yay! |
G Ciccone: | \o/ Spottypwn! I am in Vogue @ last! Also, climby bonerfications & virtual shinyjumper! |
J Castroviejo: | I h8 this! |
TJV Garderen: | Mountains? Loathe them or ignore them; u can't liek them! |
SD Millar: | Yoicks! T Ineo$ r running out ov minions! |
| [Onto teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz] |
G Ciccone: | Come on, u wnkrs! I cud get teh shinyjumper iffen u help a bit! |
T Wellens: | WTF ru doing? |
G Ciccone: | Causing A Commotion! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! T Moviestar r deffo up 2 sumfink! |
A Valverde: | We r up 2 sumfink! But now I am fuxx0red! |
M Landa: | Oh. Wot happens now? |
N Quintana: | O hai! Mi naem iz I Montoya N Quintana! U killed mi father! Prepare 2, er, nope. No idea! |
SD Millar: | Noone wants 2 assault attack... |
W Barguil: | [Assaults &, moreover, attacks] |
SD Millar: | Arse! |
M Landa: | [Assaults &, moreover, attacks] |
SD Millar: | Piss! |
N Boulting: | Petrol-driven climbers1! |
EC Boardman [via the Devil's Radio]: | That wud ov been much MOAR fun iffen it woz raining4! |
D Teuns: | \o/ That's wot u get if u kepe ur hyperbole under ur hat! |
G Ciccone: | Piss! |
G Ciccone's Dad: | U orta ov pwned that! |
G Ciccone: | Papa, Don't Preach! |
M Landa: | Onoz! Cort by teh pelican! |
J Alaphilippe: | Rite! Watch this! Onoz, wheelspin FFS! |
G Thomas: | I think that settle who iz numbawan in this team, rite, kidz? |
T Pinot: | I think that settle who iz numbawan GC contender ov France, rite, Chimney-Boi? |
J Alaphilippe: | No. No, it does not! |
R Bardet: | I h8 this, u all & mi poxy biek! |
G Imlach: | Wowsa! We'll analyse teh implications ov all this but u won't see it becoz teh wnkrs @ ITV4 haz unplugged us. Agane. |
Bethany (9): | FFS! U had one (1) job! |
1: Actual dialogue.
2: Fisher. H8s. Gravel.
3: R Kennedy appears courtesy ov Furryboottoon Royal Infirmary & Mrs Pingu.