G Imlach: | O hai! I am TV's G Imlach, one-man roffle factory and all-round Bon Œuf! Stage 11, major shakeup, tiem limit, M Cavendish, M Kitteh... |
M Renshaw (from a QANTAS flight): | Oi! Wot about me? |
Omnes: | Who said that lol? |
M Renshaw: | Fck! Off! |
Omnes (singing): | Where was teh goalie when teh ball woz in teh net? ½way 2 Australia in teh supersonic jet! |
G Imlach: | ...and 2da teh Alp ov Huey, mountain-top finish, moar opportunity 4 utter chassis! But no BEER! |
EC Boardman: | Oh yes! Marvellous, isn't it! |
50,000 Thirsty Dutch Types: | Nooooooooooooooooooo! No, Evil C Boardman, it iz not! |
G Imlach: | T $ky, internal politics, SD Brailsford, SB Wiggins in M Smith's broom cupboard @ teh weekend, G Thomas, C Froome! |
EC Boardman: | Oh yes! Marvellous, isn't it! |
G Imlach: | T Moviestar, tactical nous ov a drugged-up TD Gendt? |
EC Boardman: | Oh yes! Marvellous, isn't it! |
G Thomas: | Instinct! Niec! |
N Portal: | Crazy! |
CP Sagan: | |
G Imlach: | ...and no R Urán either! |
Bethany [8]: | Nooooooooooooooooooo! Oh, wait! Duz he want 2 spend moar tiem wif hiz famli? |
Bethany's Mum: | Shutchore noise, u little tart! If 'e shows 'is face rahnd 'ere I'll cut 'is wossname orf! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | O hai ect. M Cavendish RISPEK 4 teh race! |
N Boulting: | O hai ect. T $ky pecking order! |
Omnes: | Nobody here but us chickens! |
N Boulting: | Shut! Up! D Martin! Disrupt T $ky plans just 4 teh lulz! |
EC Boardman: | Oh yes! Marvellous, isn't it! |
| [...] |
C Prudhomme: | Nassty little cyclistses! Get! Out! |
N Boulting: | TJV Garderen? |
TJV Garderen: | I'm quite used 2 being humiliated. I can even go and stick mi head in a bucket ov water if u liek. Would u liek me to go and stick mi head in a bucket ov water? I've got 1 ready. |
SD Millar: | W Barguil J Alaphilippe S Calamityjane! |
S Calamityjane: | Did he call me "Sue" agane? |
N Boulting: | Le Château Sainte Anne! 4 sale! |
Omnes: | So is Twatt kirk*, ***! We're having teh whip-round! |
N Boulting: | Sometimes I hate this job! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | U haz teh history wif teh Col de la Madeleine, Super D, n'est ce-pas? |
SD Millar (through gritted teeth): | Hahahaha! DO NOT LIEK!!1! [Aside] U utter cnt, ***! |
N Boulting: | And so it begins! |
Omnes: | Teh murders? |
N Boulting: | Shut! Up! |
| [...] |
Bethany [8]: | o hai lunchtiem sossidge chips beans bleurgh i brung mi own kumquat**! nefink hapnin? |
SD Millar: | Break 2 minits off teh front, sprinters off teh back, CP Sagan off hiz nut. |
Bethany [8]: | ta super d laters! |
J Alaphilippe: | Yay! Moar spottypoints! |
N Boulting: | Did she sa "lunch"? |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!1!] |
M Smith: | O hai! O hai P York! |
P York: | O hai! |
M Smith: | No swimming pools 2da hahahaha! |
P York: | |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | We're baaaaaack! Well, me and Niec C Boardman r! |
NC Boardman: | On teh Bootlaces ov Montvernier! |
N Boulting: | More twists and turns than a twisty-turny thing! |
Omnes: | Did he really just say that? |
NC Boardman: | Yes. Yes, he did! Montage-tastic! |
Omnes: | Did he really just say that? |
N Boulting: | Yes. Yes, he did! |
EC Boardman: | I think they should send teh pelican down les Bootlaces 4 teh lulz! |
NC Boardman: | Iz that a cardboard church? |
Omnes: | |
| [Sur le Croix de Fer] |
M Smith: | Drone T $ky drone T Moviestar drone J Alaphilippe aka Begbie! |
T Farron: | Begbie's gay, u kno#! |
P York: | Wot teh blazes hav that 2 do wif nething? Neway, teh pelican is scooping up stragglers in its mitey beek liek teh fishies! Look, see, it has et TJV Garderen! |
TJV Garderen: | Don't pretend u want 2 talk 2 me. I kno u all h8 me! |
M Kitteh: | U think u got prombles? They're making me do a webuyanycar.com shitvert. Wif TV's P Schofield, FFS! Also, miaow! |
Bethany [8]: | skools out wots hapnin? |
N Boulting: | S Kruijswijk off teh front virtual shinyjumper! Teh Cloggis will b going bonkers on teh Alp de Huey! |
SD Millar: | [Snoring] |
N Boulting: | 2da's list ov abandonnery iz brought 2 u by teh letter "G". T Gallopin D Groenewegen F Gardenia A Greipel... |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
R Zabel: | Wot about me? |
A Demare: | Wowsa! I may haz teh chance ov teh stage win after all! |
N Bouhanni (via ouija board): | Fckles! |
SD Millar: | W Poels... not looking liek teh W Poels ov oels! |
Omnes: | Get! Out! |
N Boulting: | So duz teh T Moviestar tic-tacs pla in2 teh hands ov T $ky? |
SD Millar: | Yes, no and maybe! |
N Boulting: | Thx, Super D [Aside] Idiot! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | S Kruijswijk’s assault attack either instinctive or planned! |
SD Millar: | |
Omnes: | We wish we'd said that! |
SD Millar: | S Kruijswijk! New style ov old style attack! |
N Boulting: | |
Omnes: | We wish we'd said that! |
| [...] |
Omnes: | Bridge, bridge! Viaduc de l'Eau d'Olle! |
C Lion: | w00t! |
| [Onto l'Alpe] |
T Shitverts: | Buy! Buy a car! Buy tyres to put on it! Buy! Buy a penguin with a suitcase! Buy! |
Omnes: | FFS! |
N Boulting: | Yoicks! S Kruijswijk iz getting cort, bigly! |
M Kwiatkowski: | Soz, T $ky, but I am teh D-E-D! |
A Valverde: | Soz, T Moviestar, but I also am teh D-E-D! |
E Bernal: | Soz, S Kruijswijk, but I ate'nt teh D-E-D! |
N Boulting: | Oh. S Kruijswijk is not being cort. Well, not as bigly neway. Teh Eh-Ess-Oh, they lie! |
V Nibbles: | I, V Nibbles, will att... oh. Piss! |
I Montoya N Quintana: | I, I Montoya N Quintana, will att... oh. Arse! |
E Bernal: | Ne1 else want sum? |
M Landa & R Bardet: | We ect ect! |
M Landa: | Actually, no. I may bied mi tiem instead! |
R Bardet: | I, R Bardet, on teh other hand... |
J Birdsong: | Melancholy Supremes lyric goes here ==> |
I Montoya N Quintana: | I, er, oh! Bugger! I can haz motorbiek? |
Omnes: | LOL @ I Montoya N Quintana! |
E Bernal: | OK. I, E Bernal, am now D-E-D! |
V Nibbles: | WTF! Did u put that motorbiek there, I Montoya N Quintana? |
G Thomas: | I say, C Froome, shall we? |
C Froome: | I think we should, old chap! O hai, chimney-boy! |
| [Enfin] |
N Boulting: | G Thomas! Leading out C Froo... oh! |
G Thomas: | \o/ Super-duper niec##! Also, tiem bonus! |
TD Windmill: | Piss! Still, tiem bonus! |
R Bardet: | LOL @ C Froome! No tiem bonus 4 u, tea-wee boy! |
C Froome: | |
5: | G Thomas TD Windmill! [Faints agane] |
5's Mummy: | If you don't stop doing that, Vivalda, Ai'm calling teh doctor! |
G Thomas: | Can we just go 2 Paris now! |
Omnes: | Boooo! Recycling old joaks, G Thomas? Iz our job! |
* Trufax. Offers invited around £195,000.
** Bethany [8] gratefully acknowledges Syrah Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh (Mrs) 4 her invaluable assistance on this matter.
# Trufax. It was in Teh S*n.
## G Thomas may actually have not actually said this.