The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[ian]

The two rounds I bought last Friday came to £140ish, people taking liberties with cocktails.

Generally, if you think you've been over-charged, a chat with the bar manager usually nets a refund, especially if it's clearly an errant transaction.

[Beardy]

I always check the amount before presenting my card, even in my local where I run a tab¹. I’ve only twice queried the amount because I thought it too much, once in my local and (that one was by a magnitude on that occasion) and the poor bar person was very embarrassed and once in that London, but by the time the bartender cottoned on to my query, I’d completed my mental arithmetic and realised it was right 

My usual queries are in my local when I think they’ve missed a round or two, but I think they’ve only ever added anything to our bill on one occasion. It is my local mind, and I am somewhat loved in there (no, I don’t know why either  )


1. If I’m in with any of my mates we run a single tab and just divide it between us at the end of the evening. For some reason I’m the only regular that is allowed this privilege.

[SteveC]

Generally, if you think you've been over-charged, a chat with the bar manager usually nets a refund, especially if it's clearly an errant transaction.

Shame the bar is in Sheffield and I'm now back in Somerset. 

I'm sure they would have corrected it and I'm also sure it wasn't deliberate. The place was heaving. At least one member of staff said it was the busiest shift they'd ever worked.

[T42]

Posting on behalf of my telephone:

"Battery usage data is approximate and can change based on usage."

Nuff said.

[Mrs Pingu]

Picked up my rucksack/ laptop bag off the spare chair to come home.
What's that brown mark on the chair? Why is it wet?
Looks at bottom of rucksack. It looks like it's shat itself.
Opens rucksack, pulls out liquid banana.
Dunno when I put that in there.

[Kim]

Picked up my rucksack/ laptop bag off the spare chair to come home.
What's that brown mark on the chair? Why is it wet?
Looks at bottom of rucksack. It looks like it's shat itself.
Opens rucksack, pulls out liquid banana.
Dunno when I put that in there.

Barakta tried to do that once.  Fortunately I can smell a bananananana at 20 paces, even in the solid phase.

[Mr Larrington]

• Drank the last can of Fizzy Pop from that box last night
• Neglected to put new box in fridge
• Warm Fizzy Pop

[Paul]

Picked up my rucksack/ laptop bag off the spare chair to come home.
What's that brown mark on the chair? Why is it wet?
Looks at bottom of rucksack. It looks like it's shat itself.
Opens rucksack, pulls out liquid banana.
Dunno when I put that in there.

Barakta tried to do that once.  Fortunately I can smell a bananananana at 20 paces, even in the solid phase.

She was plantain a trap!

[fimm]

Sent out a Change of Address slip inside some Christmas Cards with the wrong address on it... 

[T42]

Picked up my rucksack/ laptop bag off the spare chair to come home.
What's that brown mark on the chair? Why is it wet?
Looks at bottom of rucksack. It looks like it's shat itself.
Opens rucksack, pulls out liquid banana.
Dunno when I put that in there.

That reminds me of something...

Banana energy caramel (tested recipe)

Simple & delicious, this delightful confection will galvanize your long-distance escapades.

Ingredients:

1 banana
4 measures of energy-drink powder (maltodextrin, fructose, what-have-you)

Utensils:

1 saddlebag
1 bike lock with key sticking out (important)
1 well-aged freezer bag

Décor

1 box tyre patches
1 baseball cap
1 CO2 pump
1 roll of black tape


Procedure:

1. Put the drink powder in the well-aged freezer bag. Put this with the other ingredients, utensils & décor in the saddlebag.
2. Put the bag on the bike.
3. Ride.
4. Every 50k, leave the bike standing in the sun for 15 minutes
5. Every 100k, ditto for one hour.
6. Go home. Take bag off bike & toss in cupboard.

If this works as well for you as it did for me, the next time you open the bag you will find that:

1. The well-aged freezer bag has ruptured;
2. The key has penetrated the banana
3. The banana has been macerated by vibration & bumps
4. The resulting mousse has mixed intimately with the energy-drink powder
5. Heat and evaporation have hardened the mixture into caramel, but not before it covered every other article in proximity (the décor)
6. The well-aged freezer bag is stuck firmly to the bottom of the bag, and in wrenching it loose it tears wide open and powders everything else.

If you're lucky, you'll discover all this before your next ride. If not, at 100k from home.

Bon appétit!

[hatler]

You are Nigella Lawson AICMFP.

[Pingu]

Picked up my rucksack/ laptop bag off the spare chair to come home.
What's that brown mark on the chair? Why is it wet?
Looks at bottom of rucksack. It looks like it's shat itself.
Opens rucksack, pulls out liquid banana.
Dunno when I put that in there.

That reminds me of something...

Banana energy caramel (tested recipe)

Simple & delicious, this delightful confection will galvanize your long-distance escapades.

Ingredients:

1 banana
4 measures of energy-drink powder (maltodextrin, fructose, what-have-you)

Utensils:

1 saddlebag
1 bike lock with key sticking out (important)
1 well-aged freezer bag

Décor

1 box tyre patches
1 baseball cap
1 CO2 pump
1 roll of black tape


Procedure:

1. Put the drink powder in the well-aged freezer bag. Put this with the other ingredients, utensils & décor in the saddlebag.
2. Put the bag on the bike.
3. Ride.
4. Every 50k, leave the bike standing in the sun for 15 minutes
5. Every 100k, ditto for one hour.
6. Go home. Take bag off bike & toss in cupboard.

If this works as well for you as it did for me, the next time you open the bag you will find that:

1. The well-aged freezer bag has ruptured;
2. The key has penetrated the banana
3. The banana has been macerated by vibration & bumps
4. The resulting mousse has mixed intimately with the energy-drink powder
5. Heat and evaporation have hardened the mixture into caramel, but not before it covered every other article in proximity (the décor)
6. The well-aged freezer bag is stuck firmly to the bottom of the bag, and in wrenching it loose it tears wide open and powders everything else.

If you're lucky, you'll discover all this before your next ride. If not, at 100k from home.

Bon appétit!

That made Oi larf in a rofflesome manner 

[Beardy]

You are Nigella Lawson AICMFP.

Can’t be Nigella as there’s no creeping downstairs in one’s negligee in the middle of the night.

[ElyDave]

You are Nigella Lawson AICMFP.

Can’t be Nigella as there’s no creeping downstairs in one’s negligee in the middle of the night.

What? You live in a bungalow, like I do?

[Beardy]

Damn. Rumbled. 

[phantasmagoriana]

Woke up with a bit of a cold sore. Remembered I had a tube of Blistex in my bedside cabinet. Found it, rubbed it in liberally.

Hmm, that's strange - I don't remember it tingling this much...

*Checks packet* - ah - it's Bazooka. (No idea how why I had it, or how long it had been there - it's many years since I had a verucca.)

Have now washed it off as much as I possibly can. Can't find the Blistex.

[Canardly]

Bird feeder remaining remarkably full despite the weather. Found out that the storage tube had been replaced upside down therefore no slots to release food to the feeding tray. Doh!

[Mr Larrington]

[The Family Cyclist]

Oh the diverry and misfortune today

Day off work to get through chores and some Christmas shopping. What with it being bloody freezing and icy didn't fancy a cycle to shops...well I did but had a list of stuff to do so worked route with car to get list of things dropped of or collected. Got in car....wouldn't start.....bugger. wouldn't have been too much of a problem if I hadn't lent a mate my jump leads yesterday.

Battery on charge and get on with some jobs including putting Christmas decorations empty boxes back in attic. Which was hampered as couldn't find my best headtorch...which sitting down to write this have seen I'd put on charge after doing chickens this morning

Car starts and off to friends to collect leads. His lovely wife opens boot off car. I pop head in to look and she sees them on seat of car and shuts boot on my head which bloody hurt

Then I went and put some fuel in car which was running very low. Car restarts fine after filling which was expected as had 20 minutes drive. Pull across carpark to use bottle bank thinking don't turn off the......too late. Thankfully it restarted

Have since managed to do some shopping and get home without any further incident

Oh knew there was something else . Grabbed a couple of tub trugs from the garden for bottles and jars. Obviously full of snow etc so inverted and dropped...cheap one just shattered with being so cold and brittle

[andrewc]

About 5 weeks ago  I was doing some work in my parents house.  Afterwards , as a precaution I popped into their loft to see if there was any sign or smell of rats, after a visitation a while back.  I was happy to find nothing.   


Apparently though, I left the lights on.....   They are probably working out a bill for me... 

[Beardy]

About 5 weeks ago  I was doing some work in my parents house.  Afterwards , as a precaution I popped into their loft to see if there was any sign or smell of rats, after a visitation a while back.  I was happy to find nothing.   


Apparently though, I left the lights on.....   They are probably working out a bill for me... 

In our family, any comment of bill would be reciprocated with comment that you’d knock it off the labour charges. 

[robgul]

About 5 weeks ago  I was doing some work in my parents house.  Afterwards , as a precaution I popped into their loft to see if there was any sign or smell of rats, after a visitation a while back.  I was happy to find nothing.   


Apparently though, I left the lights on.....   They are probably working out a bill for me... 

That's my trick - leaving the loft lights on when I've pushed the ladder back into the hatch . . .  it's a string pull switch and I can ALMOST reach from the landing, but not quite.  At our previous house I drilled a holed from the loft into the top of a stud wall and then installed an indicator light rocker switch up near the ceiling - result - lights on before ascent, off after descent.  That's a job on my list for this house when it's not so cold up there.

[PaulF]

Running low on coffee yesterday so I put in an order with my online supplier.  Was pleasantly to have it arrive a couple of hours later.

Only problem was I’d forgotten to ask them to grind it. Will have to dig out the spice grinder

[T42]

Maybe you'll discover some new flavour combos for Starbucks.

[PaulF]

Maybe you'll discover some new flavour combos for Starbucks.

Well as the grinder is too small for a pumpkin I could try a courgette?