more insane management speak phrases

[Androcles]

The rot started when people became "resource" while computers and telephones became "assets".

[padbeat]

"So, Mr Padbeat, what are we going to do about this breaker conundrum?"

"Well, Sir, first of all we're going to call it a defect, not a conundrum. It is neither difficult nor confusing. We don't know what it is, but my team are both qualified and experienced, and between us we have seen all that there is to see on breaker defects. We will have a sitrep shortly. In the mean time the stores 'conundrum' was due to a supply chain dickhead, the Vibration Analysis 'conundrum' wasn't a significant deviation from the mean and the rota 'conundrum' was sorted by me writing it and telling everyone what to do."

In the words of Inigo Montoya, I don't think that word means what you think it means. And you are using it to death. And it makes me want to explain that to you in front of our subordinates.







Sir.

[Charlotte]

Sir.

There's a very particular^* and very British way that one can use the word "Sir" and actually mean, "you slack-jawed, dribbling dullard" isn't there?




^*c.f. Traffic police hossifers

[padbeat]

Sir.

There's a very particular^* and very British way that one can use the word "Sir" and actually mean, "you slack-jawed, dribbling dullard" isn't there?




^*c.f. Traffic police hossifers

^*and very senior NCOs to Officers who think they know everything

[tonycollinet]

OK - I've gone into dilbert browse mode - here's another

[Mr Larrington]

Latest communiqué from The Mgt.

As you are aware the rebranding for the Harlow site has begun to bring our office up to date with the fantastic new BigCo brand.

As far as I can tell, we have been "brought up to date" by the application of a red stripe to the glass divider next to the entry turnstiles.

Keep an eye out for more exciting branding around the building!

Exciting branding?  How empty must one's life be to find branding "exciting"?  I may have to go and pick daisies on the railway embankment when the next Stansted Express is due.

[Mr Larrington]

Meanwhile, the "Project Lead" on "Global Rights & Royalties" writes:

[...] we are introducing a standardised product format coding structure to replace the existing free format text field so we can understand the data better and we want to leverage what main business units are doing as far as possible rather than re-invent the wheel.

It'll probably involve some imagineering too, I expect.

[Juan Martín]

A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round. 

[Panoramix]

A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.

Engineers like to think that they can be creative people.

[David Martin]

Meanwhile, the "Project Lead" on "Global Rights & Royalties" writes:

[...] we are introducing a standardised product format coding structure to replace the existing free format text field so we can understand the data better and we want to leverage what main business units are doing as far as possible rather than re-invent the wheel.

It'll probably involve some imagineering too, I expect.

It was going quite well until the wheel bit.. Plain speech up till then.

..d

[jogler]

Our management speak is clearly fixed in the Dark Ages.At jogler'sLtd you get....

worralodeabolux
justfookindoeeet
gizusthemoney

& such like

there are few "misunderstandings"
FTW

[Mr Larrington]

It was going quite well until the wheel bit.. Plain speech up till then.

Except for using "leverage" as a verb, which is strongly deprecated and a Bad Thing.

[Juan Martín]

Engineers like to think that they can be creative people.
[/quote]

And they can be creative, but imagineering – I mean! I have come to expect this sort of meaningless drivel from architects but this bloke was a CEng. I presume that he had been convinced by some marketing……type that it was a good idea to say that. At times it is hard to supress a sort of Marge Simpsonesque sigh when having to listen to otherwise sensible people come out with bollocks like this.

With apologies to anyone offended, I have been subjected to a almost constant drip of low-level twattery recently. Mods move to more appropriate thread if necessary.

Juan

[clarion]

I thought the word imagineering was trademarked by Disney.

[Panoramix]

And they can be creative

Ah thank you!

No offence taken, certainly not the best wording but I can see why he thought it was a good idea to say this.

[Tim Hall]

wasn't from ove arup by any chance was he?

[Juan Martín]

Not on this occasion, I can’t remember who it was now…and to be fair it was a fairly harmless comment – although they had gone to the trouble of putting it in their prospectus come brochure thingy. They probably would have been fine but saying something like that does tend to invite the question: What do you mean by Imagineering? and presumably the marketing chap hadn’t gone into that much detail so we got an um…errr…waffly response which, with further fairness, is pretty much all you can do with such twaddle.

Not sure I’d want to play with Ove Arup again in a hurry though…but no names, no pack horses.

Juan

[Torslanda]

Our management speak is clearly fixed in the Dark Ages.At jogler'sLtd you get....

worralodeabolux
justfookindoeeet
gizusthemoney

& such like

there are few "misunderstandings"
FTW

That will no doubt be the reason why my 30yr career car crash has seen me rise to the dizzying hights of 'parts advisor' with possibly the shittiest firm in existence.

[Torslanda]

A customer has just asked me to send him 'a pair of wipers for a tranny'

I said I wasn't sure it was a good swap . . .

[Mr Larrington]

Our management speak is clearly fixed in the Dark Ages.At jogler'sLtd you get....

worralodeabolux
justfookindoeeet
gizusthemoney

& such like

there are few "misunderstandings"
FTW

One of the best The Boss I ever had usually referred to us munchkins as "you scummy little toerags" and his favoured method of getting us to stop fannying around and do some work was "Do X or I'll rip yer nipples off".

[jogler]

^^^
simarlily my boss in Epsom referred to me (the only employee not a native of The Greater London area) as that dirtyfingernailedclothcappedNorthernprofitfodder.He was sufficiently generous to fund several very boozy outings lunch breaks & evening staff meetings per month in The Kings Arms in East Street in the said Epsom.

[Andrij]

A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.

See today's Dilbert.

[Rykard]

A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.

See today's Dilbert.

link fixed

[Andrij]

Oops!  Now fixed in original.

[Rykard]

sometimes it seems like dilbert's author works in my office