more insane management speak phrases

[drossall]

If I did that here, I would be submerged in up to 95,000 tonnes of granulated sugar. Not to be recommended.

Which is roughly what would happen with corporate information if all silos were truly removed

[Cudzoziemiec]

My tip would be to simply avoid the word
entity
.. unless you are forced to use it in a specific technical context. Mkay?

A William of Ockham for our times.

Entity can be a useful word.

But most of the time it reminds me of dysentery.

And innovatros sounds like a pharmaceutical product alluding to an albatross.

[Jacomus]

[IMS]

In the new year we will be de-leveraging select parts of our business stream in order to downscale our per-annum expenditures and increase efficiency.

Translation: After Christmas we will fire some of you and expect the rest of you to do the same amount of work, with a lower headcount. This is mainly due to the fact that I have just given myself a pay-rise of £100,000 on top of my existing £280,000ish salary and also directors will be getting bonuses at Christmas, which we will pay for with your jobs. p.s. non-management staff will not get an xmas bonus and the pay-freeze remains in place. Meeeeeerry Christmas.

[/IMS]

Luckily my friend happens to be in the position where they have been a bit sickly recently, change of the weather and all that, wot-ho, and just so happens, by pure coincidence you understand, to ready to de-leverage himself from the business stream in order to upscale his per-annum income a smidge and not work for quite such an odious bunch of fapsocks.

The business I work for has had a few dealings with another part of the one that he is soon to stop working for and I can wholeheartedly agree that they are shysters.

[mattc]

Wow.
"De-leveraging" ?!?

That must go straight into the top 10. (although not if you're on the wrong end of it, obviously ... )

[Mr Larrington]

I trust, Jacomus, your mate will stick around long enough to trouser a de-leveragement payment 

The good news is that our 2011 appraisals are to be conducted by Old The Boss, who is encouraging us to be as sarky as we like while filling in the manky forms.  This could be fun

[Palinurus]

Our managers are all excellent so they have to go on a workshop to "... discuss and experience how to become 'more excellent' "

[Jacomus]

Wow.
"De-leveraging" ?!?

That must go straight into the top 10. (although not if you're on the wrong end of it, obviously ... )

We were talking about it and came to the conclusion that 'de-leveraging' comprehensively beats even Dilbert's 'rightsizing' in the IMS stakes when talking about laying people off.

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

We may have to walk that back to the pivot.

[tonycollinet]

For the love of God!

Ideation.

As in "the ideation phase of the process"

You know, the bit where we think of things to do 

[Juan Martín]

Ideation. Oh dear. It hardly seems worth going on now. (weeps)

[SteveC]

Customer intimacy

[fuzzy]

Customer intimacy

If some sales twonk tries to get their hands on my John Thomas then there is gonna be a fight......

[Palinurus]

fapsocks.

Well I've learned something that's going to be useful at work, for sure.

[hellymedic]

Ideation. Oh dear. It hardly seems worth going on now. (weeps)

Ideation is legitimate psychiatry jargonspeak.

[hellymedic]

Customer intimacy

If some sales twonk tries to get their hands on my John Thomas then there is gonna be a fight......

My partner is frequently unhappy that my bank sends me letters from my Relationship Manager...

[fuzzy]

Customer intimacy

If some sales twonk tries to get their hands on my John Thomas then there is gonna be a fight......

My partner is frequently unhappy that my bank sends me letters from my Relationship Manager...

Aye. I'm married to my Relationship Manager 

[fuzzy]

OK lightweights, cop for this example-

Following a proposal made by the Joint Information Management Unit (JIMU) both BigCo and BiggerCo have decided to align their Information Risk Appetites to the AdvisoryBody category of ‘Cautious’.
The ‘Information Risk Appetite’ is the way that organisations decide how much risk they are willing to accept when procuring a new information system, starting a new project or initiative and where personal or sensitive information will be used. In turn this will dictate what levels of information security and the type of IT that will be required to keep the information safe.
Until recently BigCo and BiggerCo had different ‘Information Risk Appetites’ and it was becoming increasingly difficult for the collaborated units in Information Management and ICT to identify and respond to the different requirements of the CombinedCo’sThis alignment will allows both CombinedCo’s to have a similar approach to policy and procedure and to develop new joint standards, policy and procedures necessary to consolidate the approach to manage information risk within the collaborative arrangements.

For further Information Contact:

BolloxTalking Manager

[Clare]

Fuzzy wins.

[Jaded]

Chuffing nora! 

[David Martin]

Oh dear. Fuzzy's post made perfect sense to me.

[Rig of Jarkness]

Oh dear. Fuzzy's post made perfect sense to me.

And me.  Simply harmonising their risk appetites.  They'll probably expect to realize some synergies from that.   

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Fuzzy, can't you nick 'em for clevering?

[Clare]

It's rather worrying that they have created a phrase with a TLA of IRA.

Or am I just showing my age?

[fruitcake]

Must stop reading this thread in case I start using these words

[Jaded]

Sounds to me like it is a Joint Information Systems Management