more insane management speak phrases

[mattc]

"We need to tee up a discussion about the use of accessible language in our marketing material, when are you available between $date-$date for a thought piece on the issue?"

"tee up"? Presumably this is preparation for smashing the thing into deep forest.

[Oscar's dad]

I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.

We've just started doing "onboarding" sessions!  They seem to have replaced accreditation and induction sessions.  I've no idea what the difference is.

[David Martin]

'He's been wheelsucking the project for a while now' - he's not been pulling his weight/contributing
'Your team are setting a good tempo' - The project is going well so you can shaft your unerlings and take all the glory yourself
'It's more of a domestique role' - you are nto going to be allowed to make any decisions.

[David Martin]

We've just started doing "onboarding" sessions!  They seem to have replaced accreditation and induction sessions.  I've no idea what the difference is.

Accidentally refer to them as waterboarding sessions..

[Oscar's dad]

We've just started doing "onboarding" sessions!  They seem to have replaced accreditation and induction sessions.  I've no idea what the difference is.

Accidentally refer to them as waterboarding sessions..

Please don't make suggestions like that as I almost certainly will.  It's like a few years ago when someone told me a girl in channel marketing called Corina had acquired the nickname Margot  (as in Leadbetter from the Goodlife) but she didn't know and would be VERY upset if she ever found out.  What did I genuinely do by accident?  Was she upset?  Yes she was.   VERY

    

[red marley]

I think we should think of some cycling-related mangagement phrases that we can use in meetings and see how quickly they spread.

Our senior management have already encouraged us to adopt 'marginal gains' following from Dave Brailsford's outstanding work. In the process, completing misunderstanding what he actually did by assuming it just means work 1% harder in every aspect of your job.

[Jacomus]

"We need to tee up a discussion about the use of accessible language in our marketing material, when are you available between $date-$date for a thought piece on the issue?"

"tee up"? Presumably this is preparation for smashing the thing into deep forest.

Sadly, the use of 'thought piece' instead of 'meeting' makes me think not.

[David Martin]

tea up? a cracking idea grommit!

[Rig of Jarkness]

I think we should think of some cycling-related mangagement phrases that we can use in meetings and see how quickly they spread.

Excellent idea - chapeau ! (I'll try that one in the office tomorrow.  Might not work with our offshore resources..)

[TheLurker]

Slightly off-topic. A chum of mine who works at <name of hospital redacted for legal reasons> has a TLA which describes a surprisingly large part of the office bound worker's life.  MWI - Meetings With Imbeciles. 

I find that it helps,  when confronted by a situation, jargon or "management" practice that would have any right minded person reaching for a  blunt instrument and a sack of quick lime,  that chanting "MWI" softly for a minute or two keeps my murderous rage under control.  Usually.

[hatler]

"I am pleased to announce the appointment of ***** ***** to the position of Process Optimisation Manager effective today, in the [insert department name].  This new role will focus on delivering efficiency improvements to key processes owned by the [insert dept name] and implementing automated KPIs, whilst linking with the [insert offshore arm of the dept] sustainable process improvement initiatives (SPI) programme."

Word for word.

[SteveC]

"I am pleased to announce the appointment of ***** ***** to the position of Process Optimisation Manager effective today, in the [insert department name].  This new role will focus on delivering efficiency improvements to key processes owned by the [insert dept name] and implementing automated KPIs, whilst linking with the [insert offshore arm of the dept] sustainable process improvement initiatives (SPI) programme."

Word for word.

=== writes the quality manual

Which is then ignored

[jogler]

tea up? a cracking idea grommit!

Drum up.

[SandyV]

"To that end, your local HR Advisor will shortly be reaching out to you to help plug some gaps that we have in our pre-existing data as well as getting us to a baseline with some new data points. While the majority of the data points will be intuitive (e.g. personnel contact information), there are some new data points which we have previously not captured, however will help BigCo in its journey to becoming an Employer of Choice globally, as we will be able to undertake accurate diversity/sustainability reporting."   

[Genosse Brymbo]

"To that end, your local HR Advisor will shortly be reaching out to you to help plug some gaps that we have in our pre-existing data as well as getting us to a baseline with some new data points...

Two of my favourites in one sentence - "to reach out" and "pre-existing".

[Pancho]

If induction is now known as "onboarding", is redundancy now "overboarding"?

[SandyV]

If induction is now known as "onboarding", is redundancy now "overboarding"?

 

[mattc]

de-leveraging your functionality?

disencruiting?

ramping down employee resource count?

[David Martin]

If induction is now known as "onboarding", is redundancy now "overboarding"?

offboarding, or in past times, 'walking the plank'

[HTFB]

Making constructive dismissal "springboarding"?

[fuzzy]

"I don't think Ian will support your application"

[drossall]

If you think about it, "retiree" fits this thread.

An "ee" is someone to whom something is done. A decision is handed to a referee. A lessor lets to a lessee.

A retiree is someone who has been retired.

I plan on being a retirer. But you never know what life will bring.

[TheLurker]

tea up? a cracking idea grommit!

Drum up.

As in,  "to drum up support"?  If so then this one goes back a loooong way.  Probably to the practice of recruiting parties (and other mountebanks) having someone beating a drum to attract the attention of the yokels as a prelude to trying to sell some deeply dodgy idea (like getting killed in a foreign war for the local headman is better than following the plough)  or useless product (anything make by K-Tel or Ronco - one for older readers there).  Not sure that makes it, "insane management speak", more, "devious marketing scum speak".   Alert readers may be able to detect slight traces of bias in the foregoing. 

[clarion]

Drum up also means to mash a brew in the open air during a pause in a bike ride, so I have no problem with that at all.

[jogler]

Drum up also means to mash a brew in the open air during a pause in a bike ride, so I have no problem with that at all.

that's what I meant