more insane management speak phrases

[mrcharly-YHT]

The granularity and sophistication by which the activities and resources are carried out will vary as a factor of how the forum scales up

[HTFB]

No, granularity varies as a factor of how the kettle scales up.

[Canardly]

You are bust. Oh, ok then will restrict my bonus to £6m this year.

[hellymedic]

Diamond Geezer has them all in his blog post today...http://diamondgeezer.blogspot.co.uk

[Palinurus]

I've failed to really get started with cycling-related analogies in meetings. Yesterday though I managed to get something like this into a project meeting

   -There's a small benefit but it would be tricky to implement. If we need that extra push... if we need to go to 11...

So I'll repeat that whenever it's even slightly appropriate. And perhaps when it's not- since that seems typical. I misquoted but that gives it a kind of authenticity.

I can't wait until a project team has a key member redeployed; time for a Jazz Odyssey reference.

[Euan Uzami]

is it just my work where the term "workshop" has sprung up as a euphemism for "meeting" or is this used in other offices?

[Wombat]

You're not entirely alone.  Its a way of saying "meeting, but hopefully a bit more productive than sitting on your arse and pontificating"

[clarion]

though actually less.

[Palinurus]

Where I am workshops tend to be about promoting management 'initiatives', whereas meetings are where you discuss ways to work around the effects of earlier initiatives.

On another topic, our CEO often says 'for sure'. Like 'our competitors are working just as hard to secure market share, for sure'. Recently I've noticed a lot of senior managers using the same phrase with some regularity.

One day I want to hear the CEO say 'we must go to 11, for sure'

[Palinurus]

Now thinking of the guitar solo/ violin tuning tweak scene. That happens a lot at work doesn't it?

[Mr Larrington]

You're only allowed to say "for sure" if:

• You're a racing or rally driver, and
• a FOREIGN

Anyone else doing so is clearly a git.

[clarion]

For sure

[Palinurus]

Our CEO is Danish, so perhaps he's excused. Some of those adopting the phrase are from the UK.

[clarion]

Is your CEO a rally driver?  Scandinavians seem terribly good at that sort of thing.

[Juan Martín]

A colleague has been sent a short note from one of our offices in the Far East that notes that they have suggested to PO (presumably someone in that office) that ‘he can perhaps leverage your team for our upcoming data centre refit’. The colleague has forwarded the note to me suggesting that this is something to which my team will be able to add value.

WTF are they talking about?

Actually, after puzzling over this for about 10 minutes I think I understand it but why do they feel the need to 'communicate' like this.

GRRRR!

[Greenbank]

‘he can perhaps leverage your team for our upcoming data centre refit’

"He can perhaps ask your team for help, guidance and/or assistance for our upcoming data centre refit"

The colleague has forwarded the note to me suggesting that this is something to which my team will be able to add value.

"The colleague has forwarded the note to me suggestion that this is something which my team can help with."

[Juan Martín]

Thanks for that and yes, I came to the same conclusion that this is probably what they mean. I'll let you know if it isn't!

[David Martin]

being a somewhat outlier group in the department in terms of our discipline, we spent a year trying to ensure that every seminar we gave had the phrase 'multidimensional hyperspace', which really means we are exmaining the effect of two or more variables..

[Ashaman42]

The new manager at work keeps using the phrase "Going forward", makes me grin and think of this thread everytime.

[Greenbank]

The new manager at work keeps using the phrase "Going forward", makes me grin and think of this thread everytime.

Just wait until it morphs into "On a go forward basis".

"basis" seems to be a very important management speak word. I mean, why just say "daily" when you can say "on a day to day basis"?

[ian]

From our increasingly deranged marketing and product management apparatus: 'start socializing the changes to the process'.

I've been exposed to levels of management- and marketing-speak that would kill a normal man, but even I had a wtf for a moment there. I presume they mean communicate. For people whose job is in fact communication they're curiously and splendidly bad at it.

[Palinurus]

The new manager at work keeps using the phrase "Going forward", makes me grin and think of this thread everytime.

Every manager, plus a good number of drones, use 'going forward' where I work.

I even use it myself, 'in future' is beginning to sound weird.

[hatler]

From our increasing deranged marketing and product management apparatus: 'start socializing the changes to the process'.

I've been exposed to levels of management- and marketing-speak that would kill a normal man, but even I had a wtf for a moment there. I presume they mean communicate. For people whose job is in fact communication they're curiously and splendidly bad at it.

That is particularly irritating.

My outfit 'socialised' the changes to the group's travel policy, and they are still, genuinely, scratching their collective heads trying to work out why no-one complies with it, about five years after the event.

[Palinurus]

'start socializing the changes to the process'.

Haven't heard that one yet, my organisation is- ahem- behind the curve when it comes to the implementation of insane management speak but when they do implement it is done very enthusiastically.

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Our director has a new one. People are "sighted on" or "not sighted on" a variety of projects at the moment.