Caution: ramblings of roughly the length of "War and Peace" follow!
TL;DR summaryThat was ... err.... epic. Proper Type-II fun (at least one person at Goole had it down as Type-III).
I messed up my feeding and was rescued by Staffordshire oatcakes and cheese.
I had around eight hours off the bike, plenty of rest, but no sleep.
The ride starts: up at Audax o'clock for a ride to DunmowI decided to ride to the start on the morning, rather than the night before, on the grounds that I'd probably sleep better at home rather than on the floor of the hall. As it turned out, I only got around 2 hours good sleep anyway which wasn't the ideal start to the ride. I wish I'd thought to reduce or cut out my coffee intake on Friday.
I left the house at 04:30, getting to Dunmow (17 miles away) around 5:45. A few of us (the ACME group) stayed behind to help Tomsk with the cleanup operation, and were finally on the road around 06:20 (or 06:25...).
Red Lodge (stopped time: 53 mins)The rain kicked in somewhere towards Red Lodge, and was in full flow by the time we got there (but had come in in that stealthy manner which means it never feels quite the right moment to stop and put on waterproofs). We arrived to find wilkyboy sheltering under the canopy outside RL and got our cards stamped. I was undecided whether to eat there or bounce and push on to Whittlesey. In the end I plumped for a (standard) breakfast, but because of the tail end of the bulge, it took a long time arriving (mine was the last to arrive, sometime after the rest of the ACME riders had finished theirs). At one point, the rain looked to be diminishing, but it was a false hope.
We set off around 9:40, donning waterproofs/gilets against the rain (I opted for a gilet at this point). We rode together until Warboys where traffic caused me to be gapped from the group (a car driver overtook then immediately had to stop behind a parked car to allow oncoming traffic through).
I could see them ahead and was working to catch up (one of the few sections where the tailwind really felt helpful) when I noticed a strange road noise. I was thinking to myself that every time the road surface changes to that rougher tarmac, it sounds like I have a puncture. It took a couple of minutes before I realised that I actually did have a puncture. This was 0.75 miles form Whittlesey, where the picnic bench, bike racks and rowboat are. I stopped there, swapped the gilet for a waterproof and started to fix the puncture (a whopper of a sharp flint).
Puncture stop (stopped time: 26 mins)As I pumped the tyre back up in the rain, I could hear a hiss, and at first thought that one of the seals on my pump (brand new Road Morph) was dodgy. A bit more investigation revealed that it was the spare tube I'd put in -- the previous repair patch was leaking. Tube out, fresh tube in, old tube into the bin and onwards to Whittlesey.
This left me with one spare tube -- the psychological effect of that (going from thinking I had three, down to just one) coupled with the fact that I didn't believe I could get my hands to dry out enough to successfully patch a tube with the puncture repair kit I had on board made me a bit uneasy.
I decided I must be Lanterne Rouge by now, and started to entertain thoughts of packing, but decided to press on for the present, there still being time to consider options.
Whittlesey (stopped time: 39 min)I went to the George, to get coffee and dry out a bit. HK and the other trike were just leaving as I got there. I didn't feel hungry, so decided to wait until Spalding or Boston for food.
On the way to Boston, not too far after Spalding hunger did finally start to kick in, and I started looking for somewhere to eat. Since I was so wet, I was quite tempted by the Mermaid Inn at Surfleet, but in the end went to a chip shop there (The Cod Squad). Curry and chips; a Fanta and a bottle refill later, I was girding my loins to set off when I saw another rider go past. It was somewhat cheering to know I wasn't the last one out there after all (even if this actually meant that now I was!), and so I headed onwards.
I caught up with him sometime later: a really nice chap called Joseph from Leicestershire who it turns out had also had puncture problems (and an issue with his rim tape). We ended up riding the rest of the way to Goole together. I think the company came at just the right time for me to just about banish thoughts of giving up.
Boston (stopped time: 34 mins)We got to Boston about 20 to 5, and controlled at the Moon Under Water. I had already eaten at the chippy, so plumped for coffee and a beer (I chose an Elgood's "Indian Summer" for the irony factor). Joseph had the Chicken curry which they had on special offer. By the time I had returned from the bar and loo, it had already arrived - super speedy service!.
My companion had already quizzed the locals for a source of inner tubes, so we detoured a little way to Halfords. I bought a couple of Halfords Essentials inner tubes which eased my concerns about puncturing again.
Control and inner tube stops complete, we set off into the rain towards Kirton in Lindsey.
Joseph, it turns out, has an interest in aviation, and it was along this leg, I think, thatwe spied an airfield/visitor centre to the left with a Lightning jet displayed outside.
Kirton in Lindsey (stopped time: 13 mins)We got to Kirton in Lindsey at almost exactly 10pm, just as the Spar shop was due to close. The chap there was very helpful, and was wondering if there were any more riders coming through (we thought it likely not since we were fairly confident we were the back markers). A coffee, and a water bottle top up (and I think I might have had some food, but I don't remember what).
We pressed on towards Goole. My plan was to have a longer rest at Goole in the (relative) warmth of the McDonalds whilst Joseph had brought sleeping gear and was going to press on and sleep in an Audax hotel somewhere. On the leg into Goole we started seeing riders coming in the other direction, Strava flyby suggests that the first one of these might have been bikeymikey.
A few miles out From Goole, I lost Joseph (I think he might have had a hedge stop then not caught up again), and passed another couple of riders (one was, I believe, riding a pompino).
Goole (stopped time: 1 hour 49 mins)I arrived at McDonalds around 00:30, just as the ACME peloton (including carlosfandango, AndyC33 and special guest star The Straggler) were preparing to leave. I settled down with a latte and a quarter pounder and rested, watching the world go by. Joseph arrived perhaps 10 minutes later.
I had at least another latte if not two, whilst Joseph pressed on to find a place to grab some sleep.
I stayed until about 02:15 in the end, steeling myself for the next stage. I didn't feel particularly dozy (or hungry, but with hindsight, given how well the quarter pounder went down, maybe I should have had a second one or some fries).
There were a few groups of customers through during that time: two separate Police patrols, both in for coffees, and a group of young lads who were very interested in what we were doing. By this point, there were about four of us still holed up in McD's: Myself, the chap from Liverpool (dozing in a booth), another rider asleep along a bench and the rider of the other trike.
I finally persuaded myself to leave and headed out onto the road with about two hours in hand by my reckoning (or ~1.5 if you discounted the 20+ minutes clearing up time at the start). I figured that if I kept up as I'd been going, I should be able to take an hour's catnap somewhere if the dozies kicked in and still not be pressed for time.
From Goole to Gainsborough, I sighted a number of sleeping shapes in bus shelters and the like. I got to the Jet garage at Gainsborough at 10 to 5.
Gainsborough (stopped time: 39 mins)There was one rider already in the garage when I got there, asleep on the floor in front of the counter. I found out later on that he had decided to pack with a fever and his brother arrived with a van to take him and bike home while I was still there.
The guy behind the till there was very helpful and ushered me inside out of the cold and offered me a seat on the stacks of beer boxes in the shop (I stood anyway - my rear was glad of the rest!). Another couple of riders came through and I set off either with them or just behind.
On the way out of Gainsborough, my fixed-gear climbing legs took one look at Foxby hill and said "Nope!". I walked up the hill, and once at the top, resumed my rhythm and was going well on approach to Lincoln, and as I got closer to Lincoln, saw a few getting up and packing away their stuff, including bobb (I'm guessing with AndyC33).
The climb up Tillbridge road (A1500) before the right turn to Burton did take it out of me a bit (I passed a couple of riders on here).
(non-control stop) Lincoln (stopped time: 36 minutes)By the time I hit the outskirts of Lincoln, it was beginning to warm up a little, and I felt in need of a clothing adjustment and a coffee, so I stopped at the Shell Garage. About 15 minutes later, the ACME peloton (bobb, AndyC33, The straggler and others) arrived.
We hit the road around 7:30. The wrong road (sort of). That's to say it was the road leadign ot the "touristy" cobbled descent through Lincoln, rather than the alternative. I'd done the cobbled bit the last time and swore to myself that this time around, I'd take the other route. Work, however, had impinged on my preparation time and so I just followed the GPX track I'd downloaded from wilkyboy's site without checking where it went through Lincoln.
We negotiated the cobbles together, but when Canwick hill raised its ugly head, I once again employed the 24" gear. I almost caught back up with the group before Ruskington, but then had a sudden blow-up. My energy levels dipped (I think I was not more than about 3 miles from Sleaford when that happened). I rested up a bit and pushed on the last miles, taking mini-breathers every now and then.
Sleaford (stopped time: 1 hour 27 mins)I arrived at the Pack Horse, Sleaford, at 09:25, absolutely wrecked. I found the ACME peloton (sans carlosfandango) all tucking into their breakfasts, and despite being a Wetherspoon's breakfast fan, I didn't fancy one. I did know that I had been struggling though, so I ordered a bacon roll and a pint of orange juice and lemonade and started half-heartedly eating it. The ACME group left, and I carried on munching, feeling seriously fatigued and wondering if I'd finish in time.
During this time carlosfandango had arrived along with (I think) Jack.
I started packing up my stuff and preparing to leave when I was hit by a sudden bout of light-headedness and blurry vision. I decided that this (and the issue on the last few miles into Sleaford) probably constituted an energy crash/bonk, and that I might feel better if I got some quick calories into me. I broke out the emergency rations, and ate half a bag of wine gums. Around 10 minutes later I was feeling much better, and started to put together a plan for the rest of the ride.
The Staffordshire Oatcake PlanMy mental arithmetic told me it was about 110 miles to Dunmow from here, with Spalding, Chatteris and Cambridge en-route. Also in my emergency rations were four Staffordshire oatcakes, with cheese grilled on them and rolled up. These make excellent saddlebag/jersey pocket food, especially when you're craving a savoury hit, being virtually uncrushable, containing a good mix of fat, complex carbs and salt, and just the right size to eat on the move.
The plan was simple - take things ten miles at a time. Every ten miles or so, find somewhere to sit for 5 minutes and either eat half an oatcake and a handful of wine gums or, if at a Spalding or Chatteris, get something in a shop.
I double checked the plan a couple of times, counted my wine gums, and convinced myself that the ration plan would work (also, as a fall back in case my mental state
was that of a knackered, sleep-deprived audaxer after 28.5 hours with no sleep, there were now ample opportunities to buy other stuff if necessary).
I set off at 10:53, so with only 7 minutes or so in hand (not counting any extra for the initial clearing up time). carlos (and Jack?) were still in the 'spoons along with a couple of other folks.
As I rode out of Sleaford, I began to feel better and stronger again. I decided to stick to the plan, though since I didn't want to risk running out of energy. Also, I know how sapping the Fenlands could be with a headwind such as we had.
The first ten miles got me halfway or so to Spalding. The next ten got me to a familiar garage in Spalding (2L of water for bottle top-ups plus a Cadbury's Flake Cornetto as the day had turned out gloriously warm now).
The next ten got me to the middle of nowhere between Crowland and Thorney. It was during this micro-rest that Jack came on by. he reported that carlos was still somewhere behind and struggling a bit. I explained my own situation/plan etc. and he suggested riding together.
We walked through the closed roads in Whittlesey rather than riding round them, enjoying the rest and classic cars on display. As we got through the closed section, just afer we'd started riding again, there was a spectacular flypast by a Lancaster Bomber. My next scheduled micro-break wasn't quite due yet, so we pressed on, eventually finding somewhere between Whittlesey and Benwick for a breather and my appointed rations.
Chatteris (stopped time: 37 minutes)The next ten mile stint took us to Chatteris where we arrived at 16:20. Our original plan, based on being short of time, was to control at the garage quickly. However, when we got to the Green Welly roundabout, we saw that the garage there was shut down and, not knowing whether there was anything further on (there was, including a garage) we went back to the Welly.
Jack plumped for the Cherry Pie and Custard, whilst I had a Strawberry Cornetto and a Fanta. carlos also arrived at the Welly a little later. We left just before 17:00, again just on the time limit, leaving carlos to his ice cream.
A little way out of Chatteris, we had a short stop, probably hedge-related. During this, carlos turned up and we rode the rest as an ACME grupetto of three.
I could feel my legs coming back to life, and decided to try to pull back some time on the last 50 miles. The thought of ay climbing filled my legs with dread, however, so I persuaded the other two to go with my choice of the "slightly longer, flatter, quieter" route back from Cambridge.
We settled into a rhythm, and, since I was feeling stronger again suggested that we could essentially do the remainder of the ride in quarters (13 mile stints) again proposing micro-breaks in between (i.e. 5-10 minutes off the bike). This seemed to be agreeable to all so off we went. carlos was also feeling strong again after his post Sleaford dip.
The first stop was halfway to Cambridge, in the shade of a (closed?) pub in Willingham; the next took us just past Cambridge to Great Shelford. By now it was clear that, barring problems, we were going to finish in time.
The next quarter took us to near Audley End, and up to this point I was feeling that the alternative route was working quite nicely. The B1383 had nice gentle slopes and good surfaces. Beyond about Newport, that changed. The lanes over to Henham, Plegdon green etc. were not so pleasant. The last five or six miles seemed to last for ever. I don't thin carlos was best impressed with my route choice
.
During this stretch, we caught up with Joseph, and after a quick chat, I went back into "hammer down" mode: sensing the pub and seriously craving the finish beer by now.
At 21:25, we rolled up to the Angel and Harp and were pleased to see Tomsk, wilkyboy and a crowd of successful Flatlanders enjoying a breather at the end.
I was very surprised not to be Lanterne Rouge on this after my earlier issues.
Many thanks to Tomsk for another memorable ride, and to wilkyboy for standing in the rain at Red Lodge to mark people's cards.
Congratulations to all the successful riders and especially to Fidgetbuzz on his 10th SR series!
Epilogue: Doing a Del 
Whilst sat in the warmth of the Angel and Harp, enjoying a pint of Ghost Ship and wearing all my layers trying to stave off the shivers. I appear to have fallen fast asleep on a bar stool. Well, "on a bar stool", describes where I fell asleep. The most accurate description of where I woke up would be "on the floor surrounded by concerned folks".
I think it was a combination of the sleep deprivation (If you can remember as far back as the start of this write up, I only got 2 hours sleep on Friday night, then foolishly decided to ride through without a catnap) and the energy dip from the final couple of hours push to the line.
Tomsk, the bar staff and other riders looked afer me very well and after a lemonade, a few glasses of water and a half a bag of sweets (which the lady behind the bar wouldn't let me pay for) later and I was feeling much better (although not very awake, it has to be said!).
Thankfully, carlosfandango was driving home and had space for me plus bike, so I didn't need to ride to Witham.
I gather from Tomsk that the technical term for what happened to be is "doing a Del" after delthebike's similar experience at Goole McDonalds on a previous Flatlands.
Epilogue 2: Comparison with the Revenge of the FlatlandsI'll take this weekend's weather over strong SW wind on the return. Christophe and Oaky had the worst Revenge of the Flatlands on the original edition's helpers' ride in 2013.
With the conditions as they were on this year's ride, on the way back from Goole, two separate folks told me they found The Flatlands harder than the BCM!
I can't decide now if the 2013
Revenge of the Flatlands was worse or better. When I finished this year (in fact already by the time I got to Sleaford) I thought this year was harder, but looking back, I think that the way it felt to me is a balance of three factors and therefore hard to compare: my fitness at the time (much better in 2013); the rain and subsequent overnight chill in 2016; and riding through with no sleep this time around.
I was about 30 mins quicker in 2013, and had perhaps an hour's sleep in a bus shelter in Misterton.
