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friday by the fireside

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ian:
I thought I’d do a quick phone interview for this week’s Friday by the Fireside topic. So, I called up everyone’s favourite demon,  Finestre – the Demon of Such Things – who took a few minutes out from her usual rota of devising and carrying out exquisite torments for the damned and those soon-to-be.

So, at what point did you realise you were on track to run Hell?

Probably in my first senior management meeting. I murdered everyone else in the meeting. The promotion path after that was straightforward. Ruined the sandwiches though.

That’s it?

Well, there were a few more meetings, after that my calendar emptied out and my annual review was awesome, even if I did say so myself.

You’re renowned for your relationship with Microsoft. How did that come about?

Honestly, I was bored with the usual stuff. Hell had got stagnant, run out of ideas. Murder. War. Disease. Pestilence. Boiling damned souls in hot acid while pulling off their ears with pliers. The market for eternal torment was saturated. Have you seen US TV? We needed something new. Humans don’t exactly need the push to start slaughtering once another. Sometimes we won’t have even started and they’ll be at it. There’s nothing like planning a great slaughter and finding out they’d gone and started without you. And the quality of people turning up at Hell, honestly. Sometimes we pretended there was no one home, didn’t answer the door. Jimmy Savile was out there for a week before he wandered off.  Have you any idea how difficult it is to keep Stalin quiet for that long? Heaven takes pretty much anyone these days.

Anyway, Bill pitched me the computer thing. He didn’t think they’d catch on. I saw it then. People would spend their days like shadows in their glare. They would become the infernal machines. Better than TV, even after I did Fox News and defrosted Murdoch. So I offered him a deal. We had to argue a few of particulars. Red screen of death, honestly, that’s a bit racist. Everything is red with demons. Blue, Bill, blue. Anyway, the rest they say is history. I’m mostly a consultant for them these days, I like to keep my hand in. Have you used the ribbon? That’s a worse torment than an evening with Ballmer. Yes, the options do move when you’re not looking.

What the worst deal someone offered you?

Oh, so many. There was this one guy, Boris I think he called himself, looked like a bouncy castle under a haystack. Wanted all the usual things a man like him wants, the sex, the money, the adulation. He wasn’t going to get them in any other way. Reckoned he’d get a deal. He seemed very sure about that.

Did he get a deal?

Oh, funny boy. He got off lighter than Donald, I suppose. You don’t want to know what’s going to happen to him.

I do.

No, you really don’t.

OK, any other notable torments?

So many, so so many. I am particularly fond of open-plan offices. We’ve had them in Hell for an age. Literally an age. The clocks go backwards if you stop watching them and every day is Wednesday, except Monday which lasts to the end of Thursday. Bringing them upside to the humans, marvellous. I’ve never seen so much misery since the forty-two hour Eastenders omnibus. Admittedly, that was too much, and it didn’t get released.

Oh and Red Bull. You know why that tastes and smells like sick?

It is sick?

Yes, we squeeze it out of the damned. Squish them like grapes. Admittedly grapes don't squeal like that. Sometimes the simple things are the best.

Any tips for cyclists?

Wear a helmet and high viz. It makes you more obviously snackable to the bears.

ian:
You can ask her for advice, she's a good problem solver. She can't get you out of prison after taking her advice though.

rogerzilla:
Dear Finestre,

What can you do about the perps in the "people who park like fuds" thread?  Sometimes zip-tying supermarket trolleys to the door handles doesn't quite hit the spot.

ian:
If they're parked under a tree, suspend a bin-bag full of human excrement over the car (check eBay if you've not time to fill your own). Recruit a crow to peck through the suspending rope when they return to the car and retire to a safe distance. The resulting brown tsunami as the bag explodes over the car and anyone nearby is both educational and satisfying.

nikki:

--- Quote from: rogerzilla on 08 May, 2021, 08:41:55 pm ---the perps in the "people who park like fuds" thread?

--- End quote ---

Never mind them; any plans for the people who install hand driers too high* up?


*So your hands have to be higher than your elbows to use them and the water just gets blown along your arms.

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