The object of the exercise is threefold, viz.
- Provide fuel.
- Give you a chilli kick.
- Achieve a result that doesn't taste like shit.
Ingredients:
- Rice. Brown rice works best because it takes time to cook, allowing you to relax during the cooking process. If you don't like brown rice then you can use another variety instead, but don't blame me if the whole thing ends up tasting like shit because you got the timing wrong.
- Flesh. If you are a vegetarian it's best to stop reading now, as you'll find the end result tastes like shit. I have done this dish with pork, chicken and tuna - which worked well - and with beef, which tasted like shit. Don't waste money on line-caught corn-fed organic piggy bits, because the whole thing is going to taste of chillis anyway. Unless you fuck it up, in which case it'll taste like shit.
- On!on. If you are an idle git like me, frozen diced on!ons work nearly as well as a fresh one and are a sight more convenient.
- MUSHROOMS. Shiitake MUSHROOMS work best, but if you don't like shiitake MUSHROOMS you can substitute some other variety of MUSHROOMS. If you don't like MUSHROOMS at all, you can leave them out, in order for the whole thing not to taste like shit.
- Vegetable. I use sweetcorn or peas, but that's just me. Use something you like, in small chunks. Don't use anything you don't like because the end result will taste like shit.
- Chillis. You can use fresh chillis if you want or use the crushed ones out of a jar. Remember not to touch your, or your partner's, genitalia after chopping fresh chillis.
- Garlic. You can use fresh garlic if you want or use the the minced stuff out of a jar
- Soy sauce. If you are being hassled by your Dokta on issues of blood pressure use the low-salt version, unless you don't give a fuck, in which case use the most expensive salty Japanese stuff you can get your hands on.
- Wine. Red or white according to preference. It doesn't really matter.
- Oil. I use sesame oil, because I like it. If you don't like sesame oil then olive oil is an acceptable alternative to having it ending up tasting like shit.
I'm not going to spell out quantities, because that which is suitable for a greedy fucker like me might fill three normal people. Use your loaf.
Method:
There are two ways to do this: their way and my way. Both these ways are essentially the same so I'll just document my way, if that's OK with you.
- Boil the kettle. While it's heating, bung the rice in a saucepan and add salt. Or not. Rice cooked without salt tastes like shit, though, so it's better to err on the side of non-shitness. When the kettle has boiled pour the boiling water over the rice and simmer. It doesn't matter how much water you use as long as it's enough not to boil dry; if this happens the whole thing will taste like shit. You can use the time taken by the kettle to chop up anything which needs chopping up, though if you're an idle sod like me this won't be necessary. Also mix up in a jug, cup or hogshead equal quantities of wine and soy sauce (about 100 ml of each works for me when cooking solo), and sling in a bunch of garlic and chilli. If you're new to this you may have to experiment with the quantities, as you want it neither to taste bland or like shit.
- Go back into the living room, put your feet up and have a glass of wine. You may ogle the newsreader if the newsreader is of the appropriate gender.
- After fifteen or twenty minutes, heave a sigh and return to the kitchen. Bring the wine with you if think you're Graham Kerr, or Keith Floyd.
- Chuck some oil into a wok. If you haven't got a wok, use a frying pan. If you haven't got a frying pan then you're wasting both your time and mine. Heat the oil, hotly.
- When the oil is good and hot, chuck some garlic and chilli into the wok. The best time to do this is ten to fifteen seconds before the oil gets hot enough to cause the chillis to emit riot-police-stylee smoke which makes you roll around on the floor sneezing, coughing and setting off the smoke alarm. Stir it around for a while until you get bored.
- Chuck in the on!ons and continue to stir for a further minute or two.
- Chuck in the flesh and continue to stir for a further minute or two. When you reckon the flesh has cooked enough not to kill you with salmonella, remove the rice from the heat and drain it.
- Chuck the rice into the wok and pour the wine / garlic / soy sauce / chilli in with it. You can bung in some Worcester sauce, if you like Worcester sauce and you have some in the cupboard. Stir thoroughly, turn down the heat and go back to the telly.
- After ten or so minutes, return to the kitchen, with wine if necessary, and check on the state of affairs. The idea is for the rice to absorb the liquid. If it's absorbed all the liquid because you weren't paying attention, you can add more water, or wine, but the whole thing may still end up tasting like shit. Bung your vegetable of choice into the wok.
- Heat some more oil in another wok. If you haven't got two woks then a frying pan will do. If you're still short of cookware it's a bit fucking late to complain about it now. Improvise.
- Sling the MUSHROOMS into the second wok. You don't want the MUSHROOMS to go in with the rest of it as otherwise they'll go all soggy and taste like shit. Stir-fry them for a few minutes.
- If you've timed it right there should now be but a few scant traces of moisture in the first wok. Decant the contents thereof onto a plate and do likewise with the MUSHROOMS.
- Return to your lair with a fork, the mountainous plate and the wine.
- Devour.
- Leave the fucking washing-up for tomorrow.
Their way differs from my way mostly in that it takes twenty-four hours longer. Cut the manky bits off a bunch of spring on!ons and chop the rest up into tiny little bits. Bung them in a bowl with the wine / garlic / soy sauce / chilli mixture, cover with cling film and put in the fridge until tomorrow. Make sure the bowl is not made of anything soluble, as this will make a mess in the fridge and taste like shit. When it is tomorrow, follow the above instructions except for frying the on!ons.