The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[ravenbait]

Yet another one.
I know it's a couple of hours since I prepared the pizzas including chopped chillies and I've washed my hands a number of times since then, but it's still a little unwise to vigorously rub my eyes with said hands.

I know it's not environmentally friendly, but having got capsaicin in my eye socket too many times, I now glove up to handle chillis. The oil gets on my prosthetic and it's a total bugger to clean off because the surface is slightly porous.

Sam

[Kim]

 

[The Family Cyclist]

I tend to use scissors if cutting hot 🌶.  My brother once cut them before putting in his contacts. For a while he didn't even know it was in or not

[The Family Cyclist]

There were two that really prove I need a holiday. I can't remember what the second one was.

This one though. Last night dropping the mother home who had baby sat the kids. Stop at traffic lights. See the other traffic stop and the car opposite indicating to turn in front of me so off I go completely missing the fact light was still red. Lights went green as I was about half way through junction

[rogerzilla]

I tend to use scissors if cutting hot 🌶.  My brother once cut them before putting in his contacts. For a while he didn't even know it was in or not

That's what she said.

[mrcharly-YHT]

End of long week (started by taking ferry to Ullapool, then driving to Cambridge in one go).

So - start new job. Usually IT problems to resolve, etc.

Time to go home! (well, drive to York first).

Carry monitor, bundle of cable to car. Blip open boot, dump cables etc in boot. Close boot.

Keys, in pocket. Erm no. Feeling of dread. Turn around. Keys on pile of cables in boot. Boot that instantly locks when closed.

Fuck fuck fuck. Instead of early escape to York, I'm sitting (2.5hours and counting) for auto-locksmith to turn up.

[Mrs Pingu]

Oh-oh. They should stop making boots do that.

[mrcharly-YHT]

Oh-oh. They should stop making boots do that.

It is bloody stupid and particularly annoys me when unloading car in the rain. Every trip out to car I have to unlock boot.

[Mrs Pingu]

They should make some sort of proximity sensor. Keys near, boot open, keys move away, boot closes.
Then you can open the boot without having the keys in your hand and no temptation to put them down in it.

[Pingu]

Or just do away with auto-locking.

[Mr Larrington]

The FAFC locked me out when I was in Lancaster and the spare keys were in Londonton   Though the boot only auto-locks if you use the boot-only button to unlock it in the first place.

[T42]

I tend to use scissors if cutting hot 🌶.  My brother once cut them before putting in his contacts. For a while he didn't even know it was in or not

Our parrot's seed mix includes dried chillis (they don't affects parrots the way they do us).  For years I've been getting a runny nose every time I shake up his pots in the morning before topping them up, and I only just realized a week back that particles from the chillis could be the culprit. They're not dusty items but there's plenty of dust in the seed once he's had a go at it.  Now I wear a mask, which sometimes works.

[Salvatore]

Oh-oh. They should stop making boots do that.

But that would have deprived us of a Sunday morning's entertainment on a YACF camping weekend when LEE found himself locked out of his car. His own fault - he could have come by bike.

[rafletcher]

Oh-oh. They should stop making boots do that.

Some cars won’t lock with the keys inside them. And of course, the much criticised “keyless” entry allows you to open the booth in cases like that.

[The Family Cyclist]

Obviously doesn't help if keys are accidentally in it but when inworked at a garage I learnt the hard way to open a window if leaving a car running with keys in it

Thankfully we had the tools to break in when I learnt

[grams]

Some cars won’t lock with the keys inside them.

I've heard this claimed before but there's no straightforward technology for working out if the fob is inside or outside. Some of them disable the remote when the key is in the ignition, and some of them won't lock if any door is open, which can prevent some keys-locked-inside-car scenarios.

[Beardy]

My car will not lock with the keys inside. It’s keyless ignition and a keyless entry with a button on the doorhandle to lock and unlock the doors. When the keys are inside it won’t respond to the buttons being pressed. I haven’t tried operating the locking while the boot is open and then leaving the keys in the boot so can’t confirm if it is very clever or,just clever.

[grams]

My car will not lock with the keys inside. It’s keyless ignition and a keyless entry with a button on the doorhandle to lock and unlock the doors. When the keys are inside it won’t respond to the buttons being pressed. I haven’t tried operating the locking while the boot is open and then leaving the keys in the boot so can’t confirm if it is very clever or,just clever.

Does the behaviour differ when the keys are inside vs outside but nearby? Where's the line?

[citoyen]

If it's like my parents' car, you have to deliberately press the button on the key if you want to lock it while in proximity of the car. So it's not possible to lock the key inside unless you are inside with it.

[Beardy]

The locking mech works by pressing the button on the door handle to either lock or unlock the car when the keys are near. If they are in my pocket, I sometimes have to move that pocket closer to the car or giggle the contents of that pocket. When the keys are inside the car the locking mech does not respond to the button pressing. So the line appears,to be the car body.

[Mr Larrington]

ISTR the louts from Top Gear managed to drive The Hamster's (USAnian) car at least 1/4 of a mile down Winnemucca High Street before it worked out that the keys were in Hammond's pocket in a diner rather than in the car.

[Diver300]

ISTR the louts from Top Gear managed to drive The Hamster's (USAnian) car at least 1/4 of a mile down Winnemucca High Street before it worked out that the keys were in Hammond's pocket in a diner rather than in the car.

Keyless cars won't stop if the key is missing, so once they had started it, they were gone.

The cars won't check if the keys are present very often, as that uses the battery in the key, so to getting 1/4 mile before the dashboard warns you shouldn't be difficult.

(My boring explanation of how the keys work, as opposed to how the Daily Wail says they work, is over there somewhere ->)

[Kim]

Some of the car club cars I use have this system knobbled in such a way that the key's transponder is (presumably) permanently secreted somewhere to satisfy the car's systems, with the car club computer spoofing the necessary commands to lock/unlock the doors and enable the ignition for 10 minutes after an 'unlock'.

You can confuse it by letting the car club login timeout with the doors unlocked, re-authenticating and starting the car.  Which will then piss and moan about the key being AWOL until you turn it off and on again, but not actually stop.

I recall Postman Piers's kevved-up Nova had a cunning anti-carjacking mode whereby if you started the engine without tapping out the correct binary code on some non-obvious buttons, it would run for about 45 seconds and then cut out.  The idea being that you'd stop (or stall) the engine and calmly leave the vehicle, and leisurely follow it on foot to wherever the thief had got out and run away in frustration.

[Auntie Helen]

I had a similar thing on my car at Uni, Dad wired the fuel pump wire via a fog lamp button (car had no front fog lamps) and you had to make sure your fog lamps were ‘on’ or the car spluttered to a halt after 30 seconds.

The night some joyriders nicked it it got 200 metres down the road before they had to dump it as it stopped running. As their parting shot they kicked the bonnet so that had to be repaired.

[CAMRAMan]

Today, on arrival at work, I couldn't gain entry to the office I was supposed to be using. I went to the main hub and complained to the boss that I had had access, but could now not get in. I twiddled my thumbs for an hour, then got taken to the office by a colleague only to find my card worked. It then dawned on me that there is a very similar office about 50 yards further down the road (to which I don't have access) and that I'd been trying to get in there!