| Stage 6: Brest > Mûr-de-Bretagne Guerlédan |
Omnes: | Look, see, bits of PBP! |
G Imlach: | D Martin! |
D Martin: | It'd b rood not 2 try! |
J Birdsong: | R Porte! |
R Porte: | B Jungels! J Alaphilippe! P Gilbert! |
J Alaphilippe: | RAAAWWWRRR! |
GV Avermaet: | |
G Imlach: | Futile break TQ Step split pelican P Roglic! Colemantary! |
N Boulting: | Do I haz 2? I haz teh headache! |
SD Millar: | Urgh! WTF woz I drinking, ***? |
| [Not later enough] |
D Friebe: | C mi sombrero! T Moviestar, tiem 4 ur close-up in mi lame "Three Amigos" piece! |
M Landa, A Valverde & I Montoya N Quintana: | We will wait 4 C Froome 2 fck up and look liek prats when he doesn't. |
Omnes: | No change there then. |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | T Scrunch! T Squinch! T Squank! Spottypoints! |
T Skujins: | FFS, *** Bloating! |
| [...] |
J Bauer: | Previously on "24" I, J Bauer, tracked down mi idiot daughter and engaged in sum morally dubious behaviours b4 taking teh bonerfications! |
G Thomas: | Bonerfications 4 me also! |
N Boulting: | G Thomas shinyjumper! |
TP Fairy: | Hullo clouds hullo $ky soigneur hullo TD Windmill! Stabbity-stab! |
TD Windmill: | Arse! |
5: | U git, TP Fairy! |
TP Fairy: | Hullo clouds hullo $ky team car hullo R Bardet! Stabbity-stab! |
R Bardet: | Piss! |
M Pingu: | Up teh chimney with him! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | G Thomas shinyjumper! |
N Boulting: | R Porte A Yates every1 else xept D Martin! |
D Martin: | Ha! Iz tiem 4 me 2 sa "begorrah and, moreover, bejaysus" yet? |
Omnes: | Not if u want 2 live, D Martin! |
C Prudhomme: | TD Windmill iz teh Bad Man with hiz drafting teh team car antics! |
Bethany [8]: | i agree wif c prudhomme. 4 once! |
5: | i h8 u bef'ny de sade, no moar kumquats unless u appypoggol sa sorri! |
| |
| Stage 7: Fougères > Chartres |
| |
Bethany [8]: | dere c prudhomme y u penalise TD Windmill & not J Birdsong xXx bethany ps soz 5! |
G Imlach: | I wish I'd said that! |
TD Windmill: | So do I! |
5: | i spose thats an appypollyloggy ov sorts bef'ny u can b mi bff agane if u don't sa ne moar horrid fings about TD Windmill... |
Omnes: | Hurrah! Kumquats all round! |
G Imlach: | Long flat snoozefest! T Squeege! Futile breaks, Y Offredo, wind, AG2R, split pelican L Pichon! *** & Super D, do ur thing! |
SD Millar: | Must we? |
G Imlach: | Yes. Yes, u must! |
N Boulting: | Sometimes I hate this job! |
D Friebe: | Phear not, ***! I, D Friebe, will entertain u with non-futile breaks! |
C Vasseur: | Magique ov cycling! |
SD Millar: | [Snoring] |
N Boulting: | Iz liek teh skool disco! |
Omnes: | What did he just say? |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Novelty value. Relaxed. Chartres cathedral rising liek teh ship out ov teh Plain ov Beauce! |
Omnes: | That's a submarine ur thinking ov, ***! R u suggesting that Chartres cathedral iz captained by C Jürgens with hiz hat on backwards? |
N Boulting: | Fck! Off! |
SD Millar: | Lots ov matches 2 burn! |
Omnes: | Keep 'em away from ETF Gesbert lol! |
ETF Gesbert: | I h8 u all! |
| [...] |
C Boardmen: | S Colbrelli? |
N Boulting & SD Millar: | M Cavendish? |
| [Enfin] |
D Groenewegen: | That was pretty unexpected, eh kids? |
Omnes: | Shouldn't u be doing a paper round, D Groenewegen? U look even younger than R Bardet! |
D Groenewegen: | Shut! Up! I pwned teh Champs Elysées last year, u infeasible badger-turds! |
| |
| Stage 8: Dreux > Amiens Métropole |
| |
G Imlach: | U kno teh stage yesterda? Toda we haz teh same only smaller! |
Omnes: | 2 teh pub! Txt us if nething happens! |
Bethany [8]: | oi u gits thats mi line! |
D Friebe: | Because toda iz teh snoozefest, I will talk cobblers. COBBLESTONES!!1! |
La France: | Snoozefest? It's Bastille Da, u melted curly-wurly! |
G Imlach: | Futile break ect ect *** and Super D! |
N Boulting: | Wind? |
SD Millar: | TV's R Sorenson agrees with u. About teh wind. |
R Sorenson: | He's rite, u kno! Wind! |
SD Millar: | Wind! |
| [...] |
D Friebe: | La Marseillaise? |
M Madiot: | Non. |
D Friebe: | Le foot? |
M Madiot: | Non. |
D Friebe: | [Improvising desperately] Victoire sur le quatorze Juillet? |
M Madiot: | Bof! |
D Friebe: | Sometimes I hate this job! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Ami-On! |
N Boulting: | Ami-Ens! |
5’s Mummy: | Sooooper D is right! |
Bethany's Mum: | 'ow wud u kno, u gold-diggin' skank! |
5's Mummy: | Ai'll have you know Ai studied at teh Sorbonne! |
Bethany's Mum: | O rly? Not wot I 'eard, "Zafira LaChina"! Moldova's Queen ov... |
5's Mummy: | Ai am telephoning mai solicitor! |
G Imlach: | Cut! Cut, FFS! M Rendall, interview E Zabel & maek it snappy! |
M Rendall: | O hai mi spikim E Zabel tuhinga matomato hika! CP Sagan excedeixi el tottie decsis? Is her echt gek? Wattoo-Wattoo im salle de zabaglione met Charlotte Rampling? |
E Zabel: | Ja, nein und vielleicht! [Aside] Was hat er gerade gesagt? |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Crash! T Martin! T Skwonch! |
N Boulting: | D Martin J Alaphilippe JD Notapuma! |
J Alaphilippe: | RAAAWWWRRR! |
D Martin: | Ow! |
JD Notapuma: | Miaow? |
M Kitteh: | Watch it, sonny! Also, miaow! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | If ne1 can, P Gilbert can! |
P Gilbert: | I can't. |
N Boulting: | M Cavendish? |
D Groenewegen: | Oi, ***! Remember me? |
Omnes: | Y u not in skool? |
D Groenewegen: | Fck! Off! |
C Prudhomme: | F Gardenia, A Greipel! Go 2 teh bottom ov teh class! |
A Greipel: | Who, me? |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
La France: | Piss! |
Omnes: | U think u got prombles? @ least u didn't hav "Super D Millar Yodels Wagner"! |
| |
| Stage 9: Arras Citadelle > Roubaix |
| |
G Imlach: | Cobblestones! |
NC Boardman: | Cobblestones! |
R Porte: | Wait… WHAT?!?? Piss! |
N Boulting: | Cobblestones! |
SD Millar: | Cobblestones! |
M Smith: | Cobblestones! |
W Fotheringham: | Cobblestones! |
SO Grady: | Cobblestones! Boo! |
TJV Garderen: | Call this job satisfaction? Coz I don't! |
TP Fairy: | O hai clouds o hai $ky team bus o hai agane R Bardet! Stabbity stab, rinse & repeat! |
R Bardet: | FFS! Leave! Me! Alone! |
N Boulting: | Cobblestones! GV Avermaet! |
SD Millar: | Cobblestones! GV Avermaet! |
J Degenkolb: | GV Avermaet hit me with his rhythm stick! He fired muslamic rays @ me! He... |
Omnes: | U pwned teh stage, u muppet! |
J Degenkolb: | Oh! Did I impede miself? |
Bethany [8]: | onoz mi Da... R Uran haz lost moar tiem! |
EC Boardman: | Who he roffle? |
| |
| First Rest Day |
| |
G Imlach: | O hai! 'tis I, TV's G Imlach. Japemeister-General. Excellent! |
SD Millar: | Drone drone F Craddock drone Tour du Chute ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]a rinse & repeat. |
Omnes: | No Millarnery this tiem thank fck! |
SD Millar: | DIAF! All ov u! U see teh prat in teh 2CV? Teh bloke wif teh gingham tablecloff in hat form? |
Omnes: | U r a BRITON, SD Millar! We haz standirds! |
| [...] |
C Froome: | 4 sure! |
G Thomas: | Take it as it comes. 4 sure! |
C Froome: | 4 sure! |
G Thomas: | Take it as it comes. 4 sure! |
D Friebe: | Divisions? |
C Froome: | No. But I'm gonna win. |
G Thomas: | No. But natural selection. |
D Friebe: | Vuelta? |
C Froome: | Yes, no and maybe. |
D Friebe: | Thank u, C Froome! [Aside] Idiot! |
G Thomas: | It's just a bike race innit! |
SB Wiggins (via interpretive dance): | SD Brailsford divisive! |
SD Brailsford: | Pish! 4 sure! G Thomas iz just zis guy, y'know! |
| [...] |
R Porte: | |
Omnes: | A good point, well made! |
| [...] |
A Yates: | Yeah er great yeah mountains yeah er! |
M Rendall: | J Degenkolb! |
J Degenkolb: | Great, 4 sure! |
Omnes: | That 'tash maek u look liek teh 70s pr0n star! |
J Degenkolb: | Fck! Off! 4! Sure! |
| [...] |
G Imlach: | Accordion! Yvette Horner! Sonically-challenged Frenchman with a punk rock electric guitar fag on! Very French! |
SD Millar: | Was that Jacques Brel, ***? |
N Boulting: | |
G Imlach: | Trek wimminz! |
M Rendall: | Hola mi spikim L Deignan neues squadra grando bikibuildo! Vavavoom con zoroastro! Delicious in a white wine sauce! |
L Deignan: | What did he just say? And should I answer? |
Omnes: | Not if u don't want to spend teh next ten days in M Smith's pr0n dungeon! |
G Imlach: | 2moro L Deignan colemantate on La Course... |
L Deignan: | U mean "teh Thing"? |
G Imlach: | ...wif R Gilmore! |
Bethany [8]: | FFS! Not that gobshite again! |
Omnes: | Get Bethany [8] 2 do it! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Shirt in teh wash. Soz. R Gilmore... |
J Bakelite (via teh comments page): | PHWOOAAAR!!1! Awright, darlin'? |
Omnes: | Wnkr! |
Bethany [8]: | FUKN wnkr! |
R Gilmore: | Yaddayaddayaddayadda 4 eighty seconds without drawing breath! |
| [...] |
G Imlach: | C Boardmen! SCIENCE us! |
NC Boardman: | SCIENCE!!1! |
G Imlach: | Alps! Wha-hey! Gravel road? Gimmick? |
NC Boardman: | They won't notice! |
EC Boardman: | Wot a pity! |