Bethany [8]: | o ffs most xitin tiem-trail in yeers & mi mum teh fukn c-o-w sez were goin 2 c mi hipi nana 2da,,,,,,,, she dont even hav a tele txt me if nething hapns xXx bethny |
Omnes: | Didn't ur Mum taek ur phone off u, Bethany [8]? |
Bethany [8]: | I gotta nother 1 innit! Nicked it off Sir ["Redacted for legal reasons" - Ed.] when e came round 4 teh "little lite dissiplin" teh other week lol laters! |
G Imlach: | Oi! This my prog. Get a room, u lot! |
Omnes: | Wot, us & Bethany [8]? We're not Tory MP's, u know! |
D Green: | I wish I could hav u all shot! |
Omnes: | Wnkr! |
G Imlach: | As I woz saing. 3 riders fiting 4 2 position on teh shinypodium TD Windmill P Roglič C Froome! All xelent @ tiem-trailling! C Boardmen? |
EC Boardman: | 4 riders & 3 shinypodium positions, u mene! G Thomas iz still due teh bad day! A hahahaha! Ahahaha! Oh yes! |
NC Boardman: | Pish and, moreover, tosh, evil me! I, TV's Niec C Boardman, predict that G Thomas will be in teh shinyjumper 2moro & teh rest iz so predictably unpredictable that I'm keeping schtum. |
TP Fairy: | O hai! U lot r 4getting sum1, r u not? |
M Rasmussen: | She's rite, u know! |
Omnes: | Fck off bck 2 Kentucky, chicken-features! |
M Rasmussen: | Yoicks! That's me told! |
C Prudhomme: | And so perish all nmes ov teh King. Who iz me, BTW! |
G Imlach: | Enuff tomfoolery... |
5: | I wouldn't object 2 a bit of that! He's so yumsie! |
Omnes: | Oooh, u brass husky! |
5: | Woof, woof! |
G Imlach: | ...Nice C Boardman, SCIENCE us! |
NC Boardman: | Ærodynamickal SCIENCE! |
Omnes: | That's a repeat! Money back, Vsquared! |
N Boulting: | O hai! Isn't SCIENCE teh Aces, TV's Super D Millar! |
Omnes: | Hat! Hat! SD Millar haz another wanky baseball cap wif "ARGUEL" written on it in large, wanky letters! |
SD Millar: | I h8 u all! Peasants! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! It is raining! |
SD Millar: | I expect it will be sketchy! |
N Boulting: | F Craddock! Lanterne Rouge! Best stage finish 42nd! |
F Craddock: | Still here though, ate'nt I? Not liek gr8 ponces liek V Nibbles & R Porte! |
Omnes: | [Non-wanky hat-doffing] |
5: | Look, moar poneys! |
SD Millar: | It's raining! |
Omnes: | Yes, we can see that! |
SD Millar: | It's raining inside teh colemantary box, clots! Teh aircon iz b0rked! Mi wankhat iz a Good Thing after all! Kepes mi luvverly hair shiny & free from fowl pest! |
M Rasmussen: | I heard that! |
N Boulting: | T Phinney! Rode in2 a tree & b0rked hiz nose! |
B Mollema: | If that'd been me, wif mi Nose ov Champions, teh tree would hav been in trub! |
| [...] |
Omnes: | L Rowe! Get him 2 punditise after he's finished! He woz ded gud last year! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! M Bodnar! He pwned teh Marseille tiem-trail last year! |
M Bodnar: | Yes. Yes, I did! & u wnkrs onli put me on teh telly @ teh very last 2nd! |
SD Millar: | Not our fault! Blame France TV, teh Eh-Ess-Oh & C Prudhomme! |
C Prudhomme: | Bof! U Polish! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Basques! |
N Boulting: | Stuck in teh gateway 2 a field! |
SD Millar: | Eh? |
N Boulting: | That's wot happens, Super D, when u put all ur Basques in 1 exit! Ba-dum, tish! |
Omnes: | Ur coat, *** Please leave. |
| [...] |
F Craddock: | \o/ I haz finished! 47'34"! Beat that! |
A Démare: | 49'06"! |
N Bouhanni (via teh entrails ov M Rasmussen): | Luser! I could go much slower than that! |
| [...] |
M Hepburn: | Ha! 42'15"! Moar than 2 minits faster than u, M Bodnar! |
M Bodnar: | Piss! |
| [...] |
M Rendall: | O hai mi spikim Luke Hepburn! Was çela el sketchio, Luke? Ramalamafafafa? Luke? |
M Hepburn: | What did he just call me? A Several ov tiems? |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | EH Boson, teh tiem-trail champion ov Nogweegia! |
SD Millar: | Nogweegia yes! Denmark yes! Sweden no! |
N Boulting: | Where r teh Swedes? |
M Bäckstedt (via Skype): | Wa l s! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Niec C Boardman, put ur sandwich down & comment! |
NC Boardman: | Hardly ne1 is racing. Tch! |
EC Boardman: | Sum "interesting" corners, though! Ahahaha! Oh yes! |
N Boulting: | End ov teh specialist era? No T Martin no S Partacus! C Froome iz from teh Planet Zog! |
NC Boardman: | Kepe it up, ***! Ur a natural! |
5: | Poneys! |
A Horse: | I'm an horse! |
SD Millar: | Horsepower! Firepower! Horses on fire! Findus lasagne! |
Omnes: | That joak haz not improved with age, Super D! |
SD Millar: | Fck! U! I'm going 4 a drink! |
| [FX: bin lorry reversing, flock ov panicking ducks, opening bit ov Pink Floyd's "Money", milk float on a bumpy road] |
SD Millar: | Set 'em up, Bardet Barguil Barkeep! Hic! |
NC Boardman: | Look, see! CP Sagan! How iz he gonna get down on teh bars wif hiz mummified elbow! |
N Boulting: | Perhaps he won't! |
EC Boardman: | 25%! About 10 minits! A hahahahahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
D Friebe: | O hai! O hai, TD Windmill! How goes it? |
TD Windmill: | Teh course is boofles! But teh team haz lost mi skinsuit! Bah! |
D Friebe: | U still aim 2 pwn teh Tour ov France? |
TD Windmill: | Noes, just teh shinypodium. |
Omnes: | Yeah, rite! |
NC Boardman: | ... and then I borrowed a pair ov shooz from G Lemond! Which woz nie... no, actually it wasn't! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! TD Gendt racing beast & tactical kumquat! He iz imagining C Prudhomme in front ov him and 150 pelicans behind! |
TD Gendt: | No I'm not! |
SD Millar: | J Castroviejo... dressed as a toilet! |
Omnes: | What did he just say? |
| [Cut 2 pair of vultures inna tree] |
N Boulting: | Vultures! |
SD Millar: | Yes. No. I plead teh 5th! |
N Boulting: | Burds r out ov mi comfort zone! |
B Oddie: | O rly? Who knew? |
| [...] |
J Castroviejo: | FFS, T $ky! If u hadn't make me dress as a toilet I'd ov beat M Hepburn! |
SD Brailsford: | Fook off! |
N Boulting: | Now I will repeat mi surfing story! [Repeats surfing story] |
SD Millar: | Biarritz! V Hugo invented it, u kno! |
N Boulting: | Ah, teh gr8 novelist! 20,000 Fathoms Under Teh Sea*! |
Omnes: | |
| [...] |
Bethany [8]: | o hai mi mum teh fukn c-o-w & mi hipi nana & mi kewl unkl jeo r in teh garden smoking funneh sigarets full bifter nething hapnin? |
N Boulting: | Hold on! Wot u mene, "full bifter"? |
I Montoya N Quintana: | U keep using that word! I do not think it means wot u think it means! |
NC Boardman: | M Soler haz just taken teh lead from M Hepburn, *** & Super D sound as wasted as ur mum & u should buy a Mercedes-Benz! |
Bethany [8]: | If only I believed in god! She'd buy me 1! |
5: | My Daddy's got a Porsche! |
N Farage: | Unpatriotic! He should have a Jaaaaaag! |
5: | He's got 3. |
N Farage: | Piss! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel, many tiems tiem-trail champion ov France! 18 Tours ov Frances! |
Omnes: | Is that Bethany's mum's real name? |
Bethany's Mum: | Hahahahahahahaha! Pass it here, Joe! |
N Boulting: | Fck! Off! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | SK Andersen in2 teh hot seat! Er, M Kwiatkowski in2 teh hot seat! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | TJV Garderen! Disappointing! |
SD Millar: | Very disappointing! |
TJV Garderen: | It's the people you meet in this job that really get you down! |
N Boulting: | I Saccharine (teh sneeky fukn Russian) I Montoya N Quintana! Disappointing! M Landa 3" behind S Kruijswijk! |
SD Millar: | He can try roffle! |
N Boulting: | Teh Eh-Ess-Oh haz given teh Supercombativité wossname 2 D Martin, who we missed on teh start ramp becoz shitverts! |
Omnes: | \o/ Hurrah 4 teh True Son ov Mordor Erin! |
N Boulting: | C Froome! Will he? Won't he? |
La France: | Booo! Ouanquère! |
N Boulting: | P Roglič! Assault Attack TD Windmill? Defend against C Froome? |
P Roglič: | 4 sure! Crazy! |
N Boulting: | TD Windmill! G Thomas! |
Omnes: | G Thomas! Do. Not. Fall. Off. Ur. Biek! |
| [...] |
G Thomas: | Whoopsie! |
Omnes: | FFS, G Thomas! Watch wot ur doing! |
N Boulting: | P Latour! Confirmed in teh juniorshinyjumper! C Froome doing a numba on P Roglič! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Wowsa! G Thomas doing a numba on everyone! |
Omnes: | G Thomas! Do. Not. Fall. Off. Ur. Biek! |
M Landa: | Piss! |
S Kruijswijk: | LOL @ M Landa! |
C Froome: | O hai, M Kwiatkowski! Ur sitting in mi chair! |
P Roglič: | Arse! Who put teh depleted uranium in mi seat tube? |
SD Brailsford: | [Innocent whistling] |
TD Windmill: | O hai, C Froome! U mite or mite not b sitting in mi chair! |
| [...] |
Bethany [8]: | o hai onli gotta sec waitin 4 teh taksi mi mums off her tits agane teh fukn c-o-w who pwned it? |
G Imlach: | G Thomas haz w1nz0red teh Tour ov France but teh Eh-Ess-Oh does not kno who pwned teh stage! |
Bethany [8]: | Y not? |
SD Brailsford: | They're fookin' French! Cultural fookin' thing! |
Bethany [8]: | ta hopefully theyll find out in tiem 4 teh hilites lol xXx bethny |
TD Windmill: | \o/ Crazy! 1 second! Crazy 4 sure! Skinsuit! Crazy! |
P Roglič: | Incredible 4 sure, crazy! No regrets 4 sure crazy! |
CP Sagan: | Stop that! Stop it at once! |
| [...] |
M Rendall: | O hai mi spikim G Thomas! U ende прыняцце dag ar diwrnod hahaha? Zipadeedoodah! Byron Wozencraft! |
G Thomas: | [Puzzled] Er, Tour ov France, man! |
* Yes. Yes, he