The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[robgul]

My fast access bikes are (1) the hack bike, currently with a flat tyre (2) A perfectly sensible single speed folder with flat pedals so why oh why oh why, when it came to going out for a "bike ride" with mini Ham (3, who has lost the stabilisers but not yet got brakes) which consists of riding round in circles on the Wanstead Flats (an open space by my home), trying to avoid him and letting him win the "race" did I chose option (3) my titanium commuter with SPD, and THEN compound the issue by putting on those old shoes where I KNEW that there was a cleat/pedal interface issue. Other cleated shoes would have been fine, any other trainer would have been fine.

Two (count 'em, two) clipless moments, much to the hilarity of all (actually Mini Ham was quite concerned: "Grandad's fallen off his bike")

I feel your pain, but at one generation less . . .  a few years ago I rode the London Sightseer Audax (Weds version) on my fixed accompanied by a couple of pals and one of my daughters . . .  all went well (even the hill at Greenwich) - BUT we were stopped by traffic lights outside Charing Cross Station, OK I though . . .  no need to unclip, I'll just hold onto this traffic bollard thing . . .  hmm, little did I know that they are on a flexible/bendy mounting and over I went    - my other two daughters knew all about the hilarious incident from the riding daughter before I got home.  [At the next set of lights I just put my hand on the back of a car to remain clipped in  ]

[T42]

This morning I looked on all 4 of the benches in my workshop, under stuff and in boxes, for the new chain I bought a month back.  Finally - brainwave! - found it where I'd put it neatly away in a cupboard.

[Basil]

Dog food's here, quoth Mrs B as she came in, and gave me a rather odd look.
I went out of the side door and, OMG what have I done?  Fat fingered doubled up on everything, that's what.
Oh well, that's the dog sorted until Christmas.

Note to self.  Do not order stuffs on your phone.  Use the laptop.

[citoyen]

Do I know anyone locally with a set of heavy-duty bolt croppers?

A couple of weeks ago, I managed to lose the key for my Pinhead bike lock while it was locked up. Because of the way I'd locked it, I was able to free the bike by removing the front wheel. So being a div actually saved me a lot of grief on that occasion. But the lock is still left attached to the stand.

Luckily, I have another lock, a standard Abus D-lock.

Guess which idiot managed to lose his key while the bike was locked up this morning? And this time I'd locked it up properly.

In both cases, it's quite possible that I did make a note of the key number at some point, but I've had both locks for a looooong time (>10 years in the case of the Abus one) and I have no idea where I would have kept the record.

There might be a spare key for the Abus somewhere, but again, no idea where...

 

[Feanor]

Yesterday, I was making baba ghanoush.
This involves charring a couple of aubergines over an open flame on the bbq, and then scooping the soft flesh out of the charred skins.

So I scoop out the flesh, put it in the blender with the liquid ingredients and whiz it up.
Its much to runny. Hmm. The ratio of aubergene to liquid is a bit off.
So I decide to do another aubergene.
I am standing over the bbq, finishing off this additional aubergine when Mrs F. Walks out of the house with a plate containing a whole charred aubergine.

I'd only put one of the two aubergines into the mix, leaving one behind on the plate!  (It was quite messy in the kitchen!)
So now I have an extra aubergine. I just horse them both in and all is well.

[citoyen]

So now I have an extra aubergine. I just horse them both in and all is well.

More baba ghanoush = win

Love that stuff so much.

[chrisbainbridge]

Absolute favourite.

[Ham]

Out here in the fields
I fight for my meals

Oh, sorry, wrong Baba

[mrcharly-YHT]

HMRC want to check my NI contributions. NP, I'll just dig out my P45 and P60 . . . Oh

Don't have my P45 from previous job. When I left, I thought I'd downloaded copies, but buggered if I can find them.

[The Family Cyclist]

Had a lovely ride last night. Only a couple of us but stopped for refreshments at one of our group who couldn't get out

Picked up helmet to put on as we were leaving and was confused when it hit something on my head. Turns out was trying to put my riding buddies helmet which is nearly identical to mine which was already on my head

I'll blame the cycling cap I had under helmet but the cider may have been a contributing factor

[HTFB]

Do I know anyone locally with a set of heavy-duty bolt croppers?

Where is local? I have a pair of bolt croppers after some anonymous scrote dumped them, and a bike, outside our block. The magic of Facebook got the bike back to its owner but I felt the previous possessor of the croppers would be better off without them.

[Mr Larrington]

Read the wrong figure off my credit card statement.  Just paid Horseybank the thick end of £1700 rather than the £4.69 I actually owed them this month

Still, there’s more than £1800's worth of transactions to go on next month's bill so it ent worth making a song and dance over.

[rafletcher]

Read the wrong figure off my credit card statement.  Just paid Horseybank the thick end of £1700 rather than the £4.69 I actually owed them this month

Still, there’s more than £1800's worth of transactions to go on next month's bill so it ent worth making a song and dance over.

Be interesting to see if that "credit" stays on - they don't really like people paying in advance, and it guarantees no interest payment..

[Mrs Pingu]

Doing the washing up this morning and clearing up before the kitchen floor fitter comes, didn't really think about the fact the washer drain hose is not plumbed in, so I created a small flood under the sink when I ran the tap   

[Mrs Pingu]

I was dead heading one of the echinaceas today but then realised I was getting carried away and cutting off the developing flowers, not just the dead ones.
 

[ElyDave]

Must remember that the screw for the 6-bolt disc hubs are T25, not T20 which turns the heads to cheese.  Luckily I had a spare and managed to get the damaged one back out.  Time to note this on the label on the bag containing my 4 remaining spares I think.

[Beardy]

Must remember that the screw for the 6-bolt disc hubs are T25, not T20 which turns the heads to cheese.  Luckily I had a spare and managed to get the damaged one back out.  Time to note this on the label on the bag containing my 4 remaining spares I think.

And order some more spares?

[mrcharly-YHT]

Div, twice over.

Sun, removing some old kitchen cupboards. All screws removed. Still not moving. Employ jemmy bar - bit of wood behind it, as wall is plasterboard. Nearly there, move bar - crunch, straight through plasterboard. Spend more time patching that than it took to remove cupboard.

Mon eve. Need to drill hole through wall for a gas pipe. Go to check measurements, ah, there is the chalk mark from where I measured it last week. Drill hole from outside. Bit not quite long enough to get through plasterboard part, so I get a bit of copper pipe and tap it through. Surprisingly difficult. Hard wack and through!
Go inside. Pipe punched through skirting board. The hole is about 10cm lower than it should be. Arse.
(Will still be useable, just very annoying to have damaged the skirting.)

[Ham]

Here's a non-diy one that made me laugh at myself.

I've got a mini habit of playing artists I quite like but don't fully know, using Apple music, on my headphones while doing other stuff. I was doing that with Christine and the Queens, and enjoying the experience. I like her sound, I like listening to her singing in French. One tune came up, in French, (Chaleur Humaine, since you ask), as in many of hers there's quite a bit of nudity, sex and flesh doing the rounds. I was listening and thinking to myself "Why doesn't she want to hunt for tea? Is there something significant about a cup of tea I have failed to realise?" What I failed to realise was that what I heard as "Chasse de thé" - which I translated in my stoopid head as "hunt for tea" was actually chastetés, which you will probably translate without issue. 

[T42]

Getting on bike yesterday, swung my leg over and skinned my knee on the rack I'd forgotten was there.

[Auntie Helen]

Just sent my prescription sunglasses through the washing machine as they were in my back Jersey pocket. They are now cloudy. I am going on holiday tomorrow but fortunately found my old ones for the driving

[Feanor]

Getting on bike yesterday, swung my leg over and skinned my knee on the rack I'd forgotten was there.

Ah.

On long events, I often get to the point where I loose the strength and flexibility to lift my leg over the rack and bag, and have some comedy moments.
I increasingly need to tip the bike over towards me to let me get on.

I've seen some riders get on by swinging a leg over the handlebars from the front, but I've not been brave enough to try that.

[citoyen]

Dug a hole today. That was daft enough in this weather. But it was a hole for a post for our new house name sign, and I can't put it off any longer. 600mm doesn't sound like much, but it's a very deep hole to dig on a very hot day. But given the weight of the sign, I don't want to skimp, so was determined to go all the way down.

Unfortunately, I hit a brick wall. Literally. I think it was the foundations of an old outbuilding. Pah! Should have done the geophys.

By that time, I was already too deep for moving the hole to be a realistic option. 

Managed to dig out one brick, but there was another course below. I took a 10mm masonry drill to the bricks and promptly bent the drill bit. Hard to control a drill when you're leaning down into a confined space. Resorted to hacking it out with a lump hammer and bolster. That was hard work, but I managed to get rid of most of it. The rest I'll come back to tomorrow - planning to get up v.early before it gets hot.

Shouldn't have bothered trying to do it with domestic tools though - probably would have been quicker and easier to pop down to the local hire station for a jack hammer.

[ian]

Because I'm not a fan of overenthusiastic hotel a/c, I turned it off and left the window ajar for some pleasing wafts of nocturnal air. This allowed in a mosquito, which I dispatched with a degree of satisfaction before adjusting the curtains to restrict any further ingress and going to sleep. Little did I know that she'd brought a friend, a nemesistic menace the size of a bus, who proceeded to enjoy the buffet my snoozing form was providing.

In an astounding feat of reflex, my half-asleep body caught the sound of an approaching buzz in the dark and I achieved a perfect and very decidedly fatal splat between my hands. Be gone, blood-sucking fiend.

Only at that point did I notice that my hands were very sticky, so I turned on the lights and it looked like someone had re-enacted Carrie's prom scene in my room. Blood splattered everywhere, across the sheets, up the wall. I suspect the hotel staff are still trying to find a body.

[Jayjay]

I put on a clean Trespass top for my ride to work this morning, stopped off at Mum's as usual. "What you done to your shirt?" she asks. Said garment was oddly puckered on the front. I un-puckered it to find a horrid sticky circle on the fabric, and realised that I had washed it with one of those temporary badge stickers on it