G Imlach: | O hai & welcome 2 another da ov frolics in teh sunlit uplands ov teh Tour ov France wif me, TV's G Imlach! Yesterda seen a totes predictable pwnage by J Alaphilippe wot everyone predicted. Predictably enuff. |
TP Kennaugh: | I didn't predict it! |
Omnes: | And ur proud ov that? Ooooooh, hark @ teh ruthless iconoclast! |
Bethany (9): | Iz gonna b an xitin stage toda? |
G Imlach: | Only if a miracle hapens & TD Gendt's futile break aktually succeeds. Y u ask? |
Bethany (9): | Double maffs & macaroni cheez-flavored food product! |
TP Kennaugh: | Iffen u can't do teh tiem, don't do teh crime! |
Bethany (9): | I TOLE U! TEH POLIS SED THERE WEREN'T NO EVIDENS!!1! |
Omnes: | Ur new here, aren't u, Tiny P? |
TP Kennaugh: | I h8 u all! |
G Imlach: | ***! Super D! Do ur thing wile we get Animal Control in! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe! |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe! |
SD Millar: | Not 2da tho. |
N Boulting: | No. No, not 2da. E Viviani C Ewan D Groaningwagon S Colbrelli A Kristoff! |
A Greipel: | Wot about me? |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
A Greipel: | I h8 u all! |
| [...] |
C Prudhomme: | Begone, u innumerate gonks! [Waves fleg] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! 2 spear-carriers from T Wanky-Froup Gobshite & sumwun ICBA 2 identify! |
TWG Gobert: | WANTY! IT'S FUKN WANTY, U SMEG-FLAVOURED LOLLIPOP!!1! |
N Boulting: | Wind! |
TD Gendt: | U kno wot? Even racing beasts need teh da off every now & then! |
N Boulting: | ...and then I went 2 Colombia 2 ride teh I Montoya N Quintana Sportive. Which was niec! |
SD Millar: | Oooooh, ur hard! I bet u coped reely well wif teh altitude 2! |
N Boulting: | Yes. Yes, I did. Until mi nose exploded and made E Bernal point & laarrff... |
SD Millar: | [Sotto voce] Wnkr! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Did u ever race round here, Super D? |
SD Millar: | Yes. It rained all teh lieulong da, TP Fairy assault attacked me 5 tiems & I came 9th. Woz shit! |
N Boulting: | Bored already. Tiem 4 M Smith & hiz hostage B Swift teh road-race champion ov BRITAIN! |
SD Millar: | I pwned that once. It rained all teh lieulong da &... |
ML Maire: | Iz that a CDC in teh gardenz ov that château? |
| [...] |
M Smith: | O hai! B Swift. I won't let him out until 2moro! |
B Swift: | I liek it here! There's free pasties & Diet Water! |
Omnes: | Stockholm Syndrome much? |
M Smith: | Ahahahah! Electricity! |
B Swift: | J Alaphilippe! He's good @ pickin' his races, pickin' his days & pickin' his nose! |
J Alaphilippe: | Do not maek me angry, B Swift! U would not liek me when I am angry! |
Bethany (9): | I do not liek u no matter wot ur state ov mind, J Alaphilippe! |
M Smith: | G Thomas tiem loss? |
B Swift: | Yeahbutnobutyeahbut G Thomas' just zis guy, y'know! Please not teh electricity agane! |
| [...] |
D Friebe: | O hai! Now I will interview SD Brailsford 2 prove I am not a big piece ov wood! [Interviews SD Brailsford] |
SD Brailsford: | Well, G Thomas' just zis fookin' guy, y'know! |
| [...] |
| FX: BRRRRGGGGZAPF! |
B Swift: | Y u do that, M Smith? |
M Smith: | Sumwun haz 2 fill teh Evil C Boardman's shooz! |
EC Boardman [via interpretive dance]: | Amateur! |
M Smith: | ...truly HORRENDOUS crash? |
Omnes: | Blimey! It's Rosco P. Coltrane! |
B Swift: | [Graphic description ov tarmac-inflicted ultraviolence] |
ML Maire: | Do u mind? I'm having mi lunch? |
R Porte: | Did I tell u about teh tiem I abandoned teh Giro de San Marino after I crashed into a cloud? |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | We're baaaaaack!!1! Well, I iz, & so iz Tiny P Kennaugh. Super D iz having a siesta! |
| GRAMS: Fridge door opening, frightened cattle, hammering, chainsaw |
SD Millar: | Aaaaaah! That's better! |
N Boulting: | T Martin? |
TP Kennaugh: | T Martin! Xploder ov pelicans! |
N Boulting: | T Martin J Alaphilippe Bern 2017! Headbangers! |
TP Kennaugh: | Andorra! No Nandos, tax breaks! |
N Boulting: | Sssssh! |
TP Kennaugh: | Isle of Man! C Crutchlow! He's a monster! |
C Crutchlow: | I got 3rd on Sunda 4 days after breaking mi leg! U lot r gr8 wusses! |
T Pelican: | Yoicks! That's us told! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Wind? |
F Wegmann: | Wind! |
N Boulting: | Last climb D Groaningwagon? |
F Wegmann: | He'll h8 it! |
N Boulting: | Y no Grand Tour ov Germany? |
F Wegmann: | Policely Forbidden is. 2 much liek aardvaark! Stuttgart bastards! |
SD Millar: | T Martin? |
F Wegmann: | Vell, T Martin's just zis guy, y'know! |
N Boulting: | Hiz family brought down teh Berlin Wall, innit! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | ...& then I went 2 a race in Hamburg & outside M Kitteh's team bus woz onli me & 1 autograph hunter! |
SD Millar & F Wegmann: | Admit it, ***, u woz teh autograph hunter ahahahaha! |
Omnes: | LOL @ ***! |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all! |
M Kitteh [via kittehpost]: | It's not funny! Also, miaow! |
| [...] |
@ridzy98: | Oi B Swift y u re-sign 4 T $ky Ineo$? |
B Swift: | Blah role blah blah freedom blah atmosphere blah! |
Omnes: | Ker-chinnnggg, MOAR liek! |
B Swift: | I h8 u all! |
M Smith: | T Ineo$... a well-oiled machine! |
Omnes: | No, M Smith, that iz *** & Super D ur thinking ov! |
N Boulting & SD Millar: | We h8 u all! |
| [@ teh feed zone] |
Y Offredo: | Om nom nom nom oops! I appear 2 have got between M Schär & hiz lunch! LOL &, moreover, roffle! Hav an airline-size tin ov Coke on me! |
M Schär: | U utter git, Y Offredo! An airline-size tin ov Coke iz no substitute 4 mi pork pie & strawberry yoghurt! |
Y Offredo: | Soz! [Aside] Not! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Tiem 4 M Rendall, teh 1-man Google Translate! |
M Rendall: | A Merckx! E Merckx! Merckx 450 SEL 6.9! Viva Sea-Tac TG Hart! House ov crabs! |
N Boulting: | Fascinating! [Aside] What did he just say? |
TP Kennaugh: | I think it was something 2 do wif foopball? |
| [...] |
Bethany (9): | Hi gang woss hap'nin? |
N Boulting: | Nothing. |
Bethany (9): | Wot, agane? |
N Boulting: | Yes. Wot about u? |
Bethany (9): | "Domestic SCIENCE" FFS! |
N Boulting: | U? Domesticated? LOL @ Bethany (9)! |
Omnes: | Crikey, ***! U liek 2 live dangerously eh? |
N Boulting: | Er, um, look, see! Pissed-up Frenchmen jumping around inna inflatable paddling pool! |
EO Aquitaine: | Ooh, top bombin'! That's a 5.8 from me! |
N Boulting: | Pfffft chauvinist bias! |
EO Aquitaine: | Well, we did invent it! |
Bethany (9): | Ate'nt u supposed 2 b on Eurosport this year, EO Aquitaine? |
EO Aquitaine: | I gone freelance! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Look, see hear! Super D haz M White teh DS ov TM Scott on teh blower! U got fined 500 Schnibblefrancs 4 "irregular feeding" yesterda. U guilty? |
M White: | Yes...NO CARRIER |
SD Millar: | Bugger! Now we'll never kno if it woz 4 chewing teh cud lol! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Yesterda we passed thru teh hoam town ov Mrs T Walloper! |
T Gallopin: | GALLOPIN!!1! U fukn melt! |
N Boulting: | Soz, but I'M SO FUKN BORED! When's teh sprint sprint sprintEEEE? Perhaps CP Sagan can save us, or M White who we haz on teh blower agane? |
M White: | BEEP BEEP BEEP! |
Omnes: | Quick, Super D, put sum MOAR munny in him! |
SD Millar: | I h8 u all! |
| [...] |
F Bucket: | Yay! Snottypoints! |
| [...] |
CP Sagan: | WTF? Pwned by teh fukn Mafia! R they crazy? |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! A whole bunch of sonically-challenged Frenchies with their jazz-stylee instrumentation! Let us listen! |
SD Millar: | Was that a J Brel tune, ***? |
N Boulting: | Fck! Off! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe! D'Artagnan! |
SD Millar: | Musketeer champagne! |
Bethany (9): | FFS! Give it a fukn rest! |
R Porte: | Did I tell u about teh tiem I had 2 abandon teh Ronde van Flevoland after I got savaged by Dogtanian & teh 3 Muskehounds? |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe! He can't read music! |
Bethany (9): | Hoo-fukn-ray! Sumfing he can't do! |
SD Millar: | He conducts teh whole pelican1! |
Bethany (9): | |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Storks2! Remparts! S Cummings! |
S Cummings: | C me bied mi tiem! |
N Boulting: | Quarry! Ur an expert @ rocks, Super D? Wot they diggin' out there? |
SD Millar: | Shut! Up! What kind ov birb is that, ***? |
N Boulting: | Git! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Tour ov France, not liek reel life! |
Bethany (9): | U got that rite, ***! |
N Boulting: | Nancy! Iz boofles! & that's y we're onna road sammidged between a manky industrial estate & a stinky old canal! |
SD Millar: | Nobode luvs us! |
Bethany (9): | U got that rite, Super D! |
SD Millar: | I h8 u all! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Fort! Bastion! Franco-Prussian War! |
EO Aquitaine: | Fck! Off! We lost that one! |
TP Fairy: | O hai! O hai, T Pinot! |
T Pinot: | Piss! |
SD Millar: | Yellow fountain! Don't see one of them very often! |
D TЯump: | I do! |
Omnes: | O RLY? |
D TЯump: | I never said that, faek gnus and I've nevvah heard ov J Epstein! |
Omnes: | Fck off, Fanta Menace! |
M Schär: | I shall assault attack from teh futile break! |
Y Offredo: | After 190 km? Tw@! |
F Bucket: | Bye then, Y Offredo! |
| [...] |
T Shitverts: | Buy! Shopping is power! Buy insewerants a Nissan Kumquat a moon-skateboard! Debt is freedom! Buy an Electric Pelican & a $3,000,000 penthouse 2 put it in, a funeral & G Thomas! Join teh Army! Buy! |
N Boulting: | Hullo river hullo trees! HEEEEEEEELP ME! |
SD Millar: | D Groaningwagon! |
N Boulting: | TJ Visma r all in 4 D Groaningwagon until proven otherwise! |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | Wind! |
SD Millar: | Wind! |
N Boulting: | Teh last climb! Finally... |
F Bucket: | Enuff! C me return 2 teh pelican's mitey beek! |
TB Hansgrohe: | A bit ov help here, eh? |
T Sunweb: | Oh, OK! Let us kill D Groaningwagon! 2 DETH! |
M Schär: | Couldn't u ov waited until I blagged teh spottypoint? |
N Boulting: | Reboot! |
D Groaningwagon: | I h8 this! BUT I ATE'NT DED!!1! |
T Sunweb: | Piss! |
| [...] |
S Calamityjane: | Tiem to be on teh tellybox & don't u dare call me "Sue"! |
N Boulting: | Com-pli-ca-ted! |
ML Maire: | Anyone else think the yellow Conti banners just look WRONG? |
SD Millar: | Sketchy, chaotic & CP Sagan! |
| [Enfin] |
E Viviani: | \o/ |
A Kristoff: | Piss! |
CP Sagan: | Arse! |
Omnes: | Crikey! That E Viviani's got a conk 2 maek B Mollema jealous! |
B Mollema: | I h8 u all! |
| [...] |
Bethany (9): | That. Was. Not. Xciting. Also, why duz a penguin need a scarf, an overcoat & central heating? |
1: Actual dialogue.
storks this time.