The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[chrisbainbridge]

Last week I bought some Superglue.  When I unpacked the shopping I couldn’t find it.
I’ve just found it. In the fridge…. Between the Gruyère & the Comte…

stuck?

[Cudzoziemiec]

I like jackfruit, but sell it to me as good vegetarian food, not fake meat, same with tempeh, great stuff, but its not chicken

Exactly!

A new falafel place opened up near us a few months back (falafel is the thing here, we're soooo over avocado) called Jack the Falafel. Like Jack the Lad, I assumed, ha ha, how funny. Or perhaps it's run by someone actually called Jack. No. It is of course a reference to jackfruit.

[Mrs Pingu]

I'm making dinner, carbonara.
I bring the food waste caddy over to the worktop so I can deposit the egg shells in it without making a mess.
I break open the first egg shell and neatly put it straight into the food waste caddy.

[Ham]

Coming back home on my beater yesterday (this is the one I am experimenting with buying a cheap bike and carrying out zero maintenance, beyond a quick GT40 squirt), dismount and wheel onto the forecourt. I always listen for birds to see if they have set up home the the eaves, they shouldn't in ours because I have all holes filled, but do in the neighbours with consequent birdshit issues.

I can hear them! Stop, let me see if I can see where they are flying in. Nope can't. Carry on - they they are again. Stop. So do they. Push the bike a bit more .... Oh.

[T42]

I'm making dinner, carbonara.
I bring the food waste caddy over to the worktop so I can deposit the egg shells in it without making a mess.
I break open the first egg shell and neatly put it straight into the food waste caddy.

First cappuccino I ever made I ran the espresso straight into the drip tray while frothing the milk.

[citoyen]

Took the bike for the train commute on Friday last week, got a puncture on the way to the station. Didn't have my repair kit with me, having become accustomed to not needing it, so that meant a mad run to the station to make it in time for the train, then walking with the bike to the office.

Left it there over the weekend, and brought my repair kit with me on Monday so I could fix it. Only I forgot my pump. Tried to repair it anyway, then took the bike along to Evans during my lunch break so I could use their pump to reinflate the wheel. Which is when I discovered that the repair wasn't holding.

Ended up leaving it with them so they could sort it for me. Cost me £15!!! I thoroughly resent paying that much for a puncture repair, but can't really blame anyone except myself.

Riding home on Monday evening, the bike was fine until a couple of miles from home, when the handling started to feel very strange indeed. Oh, FFS... *both* tyres at the same time?

Luckily, the deflations were slow enough that I could just about complete the ride home without walking, though it felt very strange to ride.

Really need to fit better tyres.

[canny colin]

Popped up on the upright trike  to Stonehaugh in Geordieshire  for a little reconnaissance . On the way to Wark the rear offside tyre goes flat . Big hole in the side wall . No problem I will get The spare emergency tyre out the  carradice tardis bag . But some numpty has left the tyre on the bench at home , when the idiot reorganised their bag . 
Blooming heck my shoulders are knackered after riding over 20 odd kilometres  balanced on two wheels .     

[Kim]

Blooming heck my shoulders are knackered after riding over 20 odd kilometres  balanced on two wheels .   

Chapeau!  That's a bailout strategy that I'd never considered.

[Basil]

That, mate, is impressive.   

[PaulF]

On the club ride last week I stopped to take off my gilet but struggled.

“what’s the problem?” I was asked.

“I’m trying to take of my gilet but leave my jacket on”

“But you’re not wearing a gilet”

When I got home said gilet was still on the chair

[CAMRAMan]

Turned up at work today at 8am for a 9.45am shift. It's going to be a long day.

[citoyen]

Is it OK if I post here on behalf of my wife?

I got a parking charge notice from Euro Car Parks this morning. The time and date corresponds with when she went out to meet up with her friend at Shorne Woods. But I paid via the app! quoth she - and indeed, she has the receipt on her phone to prove it.

No worries, just give me a screen grab of it and I'll go through the rigmarole of submitting an appeal via the ECP website...

After I'd submitted it, I checked the details on the receipt out of idle curiosity... and it turns out she paid to park in a different car park 20 miles away. 

[ElyDave]

I managed to accidentally drive through the tag only lane of Humber Bridge, new since I last went there, paid online the princely sum of £1.50. The "admin charge" for late payment is £15 

[Kim]

Is it OK if I post here on behalf of my wife?

I got a parking charge notice from Euro Car Parks this morning. The time and date corresponds with when she went out to meet up with her friend at Shorne Woods. But I paid via the app! quoth she - and indeed, she has the receipt on her phone to prove it.

No worries, just give me a screen grab of it and I'll go through the rigmarole of submitting an appeal via the ECP website...

After I'd submitted it, I checked the details on the receipt out of idle curiosity... and it turns out she paid to park in a different car park 20 miles away. 

I'm a technically competent person, but I come from a time when to pay for parking you put coins in a machine and it either:
a) gave you a ticket, with that special adhesive that was really hard to clean off your car window, but would cause the ticket to fall off 5 minutes before the traffic warden came round
b) let you out through a barrier

I drive so infrequently that whenever I encounter one of these 21st century ways of paying for parking I get extremely flustered.  Bonus points if it requires me to know the registration number of the car I've just been driving.

[Basil]

I hate those machines that require registration number input.  The non qwerty keyboard is really difficult.  I don't think they exist round here anymore.
All the local parking machines are debit card tap, which is a good thing.

[ian]

Around here they use one of the fifty-two available parking apps, all different yet alike, that will require you to identify your car park from a list of 64 nearby or input a number that you can't find. Once you've done this and input your car's registration number you'll find that there's is almost a mobile signal. The result is that you'll spend another ten minutes in the car waving your phone around in the hope of attracting a confirmatory message from the ether.

[Auntie Helen]

I hate those machines that require registration number input.  The non qwerty keyboard is really difficult.  I don't think they exist round here anymore.
All the local parking machines are debit card tap, which is a good thing.

Had that issue when visiting an Ipswich car park in my husband’s car - the machine did not like the German registration number. No idea what we would do if we had a registration number with an Umlaut in, for example a Tübingen-registered car starts with Tü. Tu is something completely different.

[ElyDave]

I hate those machines that require registration number input.  The non qwerty keyboard is really difficult.  I don't think they exist round here anymore.
All the local parking machines are debit card tap, which is a good thing.

Had that issue when visiting an Ipswich car park in my husband’s car - the machine did not like the German registration number. No idea what we would do if we had a registration number with an Umlaut in, for example a Tübingen-registered car starts with Tü. Tu is something completely different.

I had a similar experience in Texas trying to buy "gas", to pay at pump needed a "zip" code, no recognition that my UK postcode starting EC3 was actually reall.  After much confusion the guy came out to help me, very friendly and turned out that in the middle of the West Texas desert I had stumbed across the one American who had heard of Ely and the village I live in, as he had been stationed here when in the USAF

[ian]

Most card payment machines in the US demand a ZIP code (I'm looking at you, MTA subway bot) – it's their basic card check algorithm. It's why I, to this day, remember my US zip codes. I even know the bit at the end that no American knows (this ZOG code). I'm not sure it's much of an algorithm though, since I've not lived at any of those addresses for a decade or two.

[Tim Hall]

Isn't the Larrington Method, when hooning around the USA en route to Battle Mountain, to use the Zip code for the White House? Or is that a product of my fevered imagination?

[diapsaon0]

Back in the day when we had to write name and address on the back of a cheque, I often just wrote Maggie Thatcher, 10, Downing Street.

[Mr Larrington]

Isn't the Larrington Method, when hooning around the USA en route to Battle Mountain, to use the Zip code for the White House? Or is that a product of my fevered imagination?

I have tried that, also 90210 and whatever the ZIP code is for the Suoer 8 in Battle Mountain.  89something.  None of them work.  Canadians claim that the numeric part of your post code padded out with zeroes works.  It doesn’t.  A petril station cashier in Mesquite NV says you can get a Speshul Fake Code from your bank “which all the Canadian snowbirds use when they fly south for the winter”.  This may be true for Canuckistani banks but it ent for noble BRITISH ones.  They think you should have gone to Dorset instead, with its wonderful Bulbarrow Hills.  The Shell station on the main drag through Moab UT doesn’t ask for one, though, and nor does the one on US-395 in Bishop CA.  Very useful when you’re in North Dakota.

One day I shall not write a Scholarly Monograph on the subj. because there’s already an article on Wikinaccurate that tells you what data is stored in the magstrip on a credit/debit card.

[ian]

You can have one of my old ones: CT06226. Never failed yet; though weirdly my VA one sometimes doesn't work. There can't be any connection between the cards and that ZIP, though, since I used different US-issued back then.

[Mr Larrington]

(Scribbles on Post-It^TM Note; sticks same in back of passport; watches passport disintegrate)

[rafletcher]

I hate those machines that require registration number input.  The non qwerty keyboard is really difficult.  I don't think they exist round here anymore.
All the local parking machines are debit card tap, which is a good thing.

We have contactless (although it's choosy what cards it will accept) AND reg number entry. Bonus!