On the commute today

[librarian]

A play in one act, in the style of Sir Pterry.

Our protagonists:-

Fuzzy (retd.) AAGE, a cycle commuter. (F)
The Villain. A driver. (TV)
Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson, member of The City Watch. (CC)
Captain Delphine Angua von Überwald, member of The City Watch. (CA)
Commander Sir Samuel Vimes. Chief of The City Watch. (CV)
Lord Haverlock Vetinari, Patrician of Akh-Morpork (LV)
Corporal Cecil Wormsborough St John 'Nobby' Nobbs, member of The City Watch (NN)

LV- So Commander Vimes, have you a witness to speak against the accused?
TV- Course 'e aint, I din't do nuffink..
LV- Silence, or I shall think of something........ Interesting to keep you occupied.
TV- 'Snot bloody fair this aint.
CV- Yessir. Mr Fuzzy, late of The City Watch, formerly of Cable Street and Pseudopolis Yard.
LV- Call Mr Fuzzy then
NN- Call Mr Fuzzy!
Numerous fading voices- Call Mr Fuzzy!
The sound of approaching footsteps accross flagstone floor echo through the hall.
LV- Do you swear by The Gods, including The Small, to tell the truth, the whole truth etc.
F- Yessir Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir
LV (turning pages and speaking under his breath) Fuzzy (retd.) AAGE.... AAGE?
F- All Around Good Egg Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir
LV- Ah, I see. Well, tell me what happend then Mr Fuzzy.
F- Well Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir, I was making my way home, by bicycle...
LV- Bicycle?
CV- A two wheeled human powered velocipede Sir
LV- Ahhhh, most ingenious. Pray continue Mr Fuzzy
F- As I said Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir, I was cycling home along Peach Pie Street, towards Turnwise Broadway when I heard a commotion behind me, approaching at speed. It sounded like a host of dragons being stirred up into a frenzy Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir. This noise grew rapidly closer and I feared for my safety. Suddenly it was upon me but, to my relief, instead of being slain, the noise passed me by, in a flash of noise and light. I recognised it immediatly Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir as a Microphallus Romanus Equinus Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir.
LV- What pray, is a Microphallus Romanus Equinus?
CV- A model of chariot, imported from cough abroad, Sir. A 'sports' chariot, often driven by reckless young members of the upper classes. Or mummers.
F- Exactly Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir. This chariot was being drawn by a quartet of black prancing horses. It continued at speed along Peach Pie Street for a few seconds when it suddenly started to slow. I saw the sparks from the flailing hooves of the horses Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir. It stopped just short of Turnwise Broadway.
LV- What caused the cessation of the chariots progress?
F- I'm not certain Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir but I think itwas the fiendishly visibly parked City Watch Patrol Chariot that I noticed stopped outside the Guild Of Butchers. It took me a little while but as I drew level with the Watch chariot Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir I saw that it was being used by my former colleagues Captains Carrot and Angua. They had the defendant out of his chariot and were deep in conversation with him. Well, Captain Carrot was. Captain Angua was just smiling at him. That probably explains the smell of loose bowels that I noticed Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir.
TV- Yeah, bloody City Watch. She got a dangerous look when she smiles.
LV- You just smiled at him Captain Angua?
CA- Yessir. Captain Carrot had the situation under full control. It makes me very happy to see him at work Sir.
F- As I passed them Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir, I complimented the Captains on their new equipment.
LV- Tell me more Mr Fuzzy.
F- The chariot was one of the new Conspicuous Patrol Chariots Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir. I had heard of them just prior to my retirement. They have been fitted with the new Cobalt Light Imps and Very Visible paintwork. This includes panels decorated in the style of The Guild Of Bakers chequerboard cake motif that has been speacialy treated with a potion prepared by The Guild Of Alchemists. When light falls on the paintwork it glows like the output of an angry dragon Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir. I remarked to the Captains as to how I had seen the chariot as I turned into Peach Pie Street from Fetter Lane.
LV- But that must be at least 200 to 300 yards Mr Fuzzy.
F- Exactly Mr Patrician Your Lordship Sir. Very good stuff that Very Visible Paint.
LV- Captain Carrot, what did the defendant have to say for himself?
CC- Not very much Sir. I explained that his conduct represented a grave risk to the citizens of Ankh-Morork and that I would have to deal robustly with him as a deterent to himself and others. When told this, he started to complain that it was an affront to his rights and that he paid his road tax and could do as he pleased.
LV- Road Tax? Road Tax...... hmmmm, theres an idea. Road Tax........ No. That might give individuals liable to pay Road Tax the idea that they own the roads. Can't have that. Cororal Nobbs, take the defendant down to the dungeon. I need to ponder how best to deal with this...............

The End