Estate agent waffle

[Redlight]

I've been looking at several estate agent web sites of late, in contemplation of a move next year, and - aside from their ability to make the very mundane sound as though it's a major selling point - am enjoying some of the more ridiculous assertions made in order to make houses sound more attractive. 

Here's a current favourite:


The combination of an exceptional setting, high levels of privacy and a large block of land are unusual, particularly within such a short distance of the nearest Waitrose supermarket.

I'm sure you have your own....

[ian]

I saw a tiny new build flat in Forest Hill once that was described as a 'contemporary lateral living space.'

[Jaded]

We bought a house that was "ideal for those with friends in the building trade".

[nicknack]

Why so many pictures of doorknobs and taps?

[ian]

I saw the first house we ever bought in London for sale recently and the spiel included 'spacious.' I noticed that after 'how much!'

In the main bedroom, you had to move the bed to fully open the wardrobe door. To be fair, by only about 50 cm and you could squeeze in to grab clothes without bothering.

[Canardly]

There is an industrial building  flat conversion about to take place in Cambridge which will have units with a total useable floor area of 17 m2 i.e. pretty much the size of a disabled parking bay. This strongly against the wishes of the City Council. which has a minimum space standard of 36m2 or so but goes through due to deemed planning consent. (Tories). It will be interesting to see the estate agent spiel when it arrives.

[Mr Larrington]

There is an industrial building  flat conversion about to take place in Cambridge which will have units with a total useable floor area of 17 m2 i.e. pretty much the size of a disabled parking bay. This strongly against the wishes of the City Council. which has a minimum space standard of 36m2 or so but goes through due to deemed planning consent. (Tories). It will be interesting to see the estate agent spiel when it arrives.

"Compact and bijou, Mostyn!  Compact and bijou!"

[meddyg]

Purple Prose indeed: here's one for boring semi just come up on our street:

'Let the features steal your heart and the quality amaze. It’s easy to see the utter love and care that went into restoring this stunning 1930s home. From the moment you arrive, the attention to detail is apparent so lets explore some more of this beautiful home...

We have no doubt that you’ll fall in love with the original timber sash windows with their stained glass, the original coving on the ceiling, the picture rails, fireplaces… the list could go on. What’s incredible is that the owner didn’t just keep each feature, he painstakingly restored every inch, such as that brick wall. The bricks used are original – the same ones that the property was built with. They were looking tired, so he took the wall apart, individually cleaned each brick, and the wall was rebuilt.

The owner believed this would be his forever home and, as such, every detail has been done to a millimetre perfect. Now completed, after thousands of hours of blood, sweat and tears, things have changed and he has to part with this stunning home.'

So what will he miss? “The location, it’s a lovely area close to Roath Park and extremely useful should you wish to go to Cardiff. The avenue is a dead end and therefore only residents pass through, it’s very peaceful and quiet and has been a great place for the kids to be able to play outside safely. I will miss the space, and just being able to simply enjoy it now it’s all done. It has been great having an open fire, especially in the winter, and who can’t resist those windows with their beautiful stained glass design? Especially the one you find halfway up the stairs. It’s a wonderful family home and I hope someone can enjoy it and fall in love with the place as I did."

Pass the sick bag!

[FifeingEejit]

People still read the pish?
Photos, street view, car snoop, map scour, home report.

Between the solicitors sites and zoopla there's usually enough information outwith the summaries that I don't see any need to read the schedules.
Although most of the stuff that's not fucked round here is outwith my budget of 50p and a tin of bru.

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[CrazyEnglishTriathlete]

Spacious is one of the words that estate agents apply as an oxymoron.  Sometimes they give the game away with an adjective such as "deceptively".

[robgul]

Purple Prose indeed: here's one for boring semi just come up on our street:

'Let the features steal your heart and the quality amaze. It’s easy to see the utter love and care that went into restoring this stunning 1930s home. From the moment you arrive, the attention to detail is apparent so lets explore some more of this beautiful home...

We have no doubt that you’ll fall in love with the original timber sash windows with their stained glass, the original coving on the ceiling, the picture rails, fireplaces… the list could go on. What’s incredible is that the owner didn’t just keep each feature, he painstakingly restored every inch, such as that brick wall. The bricks used are original – the same ones that the property was built with. They were looking tired, so he took the wall apart, individually cleaned each brick, and the wall was rebuilt.

The owner believed this would be his forever home and, as such, every detail has been done to a millimetre perfect. Now completed, after thousands of hours of blood, sweat and tears, things have changed and he has to part with this stunning home.'

So what will he miss? “The location, it’s a lovely area close to Roath Park and extremely useful should you wish to go to Cardiff. The avenue is a dead end and therefore only residents pass through, it’s very peaceful and quiet and has been a great place for the kids to be able to play outside safely. I will miss the space, and just being able to simply enjoy it now it’s all done. It has been great having an open fire, especially in the winter, and who can’t resist those windows with their beautiful stained glass design? Especially the one you find halfway up the stairs. It’s a wonderful family home and I hope someone can enjoy it and fall in love with the place as I did."

Pass the sick bag!

Divorce then??

[FifeingEejit]

Purple Prose indeed: here's one for boring semi just come up on our street:

'Let the features steal your heart and the quality amaze. It’s easy to see the utter love and care that went into restoring this stunning 1930s home. From the moment you arrive, the attention to detail is apparent so lets explore some more of this beautiful home...

We have no doubt that you’ll fall in love with the original timber sash windows with their stained glass, the original coving on the ceiling, the picture rails, fireplaces… the list could go on. What’s incredible is that the owner didn’t just keep each feature, he painstakingly restored every inch, such as that brick wall. The bricks used are original – the same ones that the property was built with. They were looking tired, so he took the wall apart, individually cleaned each brick, and the wall was rebuilt.

The owner believed this would be his forever home and, as such, every detail has been done to a millimetre perfect. Now completed, after thousands of hours of blood, sweat and tears, things have changed and he has to part with this stunning home.'

So what will he miss? “The location, it’s a lovely area close to Roath Park and extremely useful should you wish to go to Cardiff. The avenue is a dead end and therefore only residents pass through, it’s very peaceful and quiet and has been a great place for the kids to be able to play outside safely. I will miss the space, and just being able to simply enjoy it now it’s all done. It has been great having an open fire, especially in the winter, and who can’t resist those windows with their beautiful stained glass design? Especially the one you find halfway up the stairs. It’s a wonderful family home and I hope someone can enjoy it and fall in love with the place as I did."

Pass the sick bag!

Divorce then??

Sounds like he spent too much of his time polishing his brick(s)

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[Jaded]

Spacious is one of the words that estate agents apply as an oxymoron.  Sometimes they give the game away with an adjective such as "deceptively".

Aren't they just miss-spelling specious?

[ian]

'completely relaid patio and no ongoing chain'

[T42]

US chum confides that the term "Master Bedroom" is now non grata.  "Primary Bedroom" or "Owner's Bedroom" is to be preferred. 

[Regulator]

There is an industrial building  flat conversion about to take place in Cambridge which will have units with a total useable floor area of 17 m2 i.e. pretty much the size of a disabled parking bay. This strongly against the wishes of the City Council. which has a minimum space standard of 36m2 or so but goes through due to deemed planning consent. (Tories). It will be interesting to see the estate agent spiel when it arrives.

Which project is that?

[meddyg]

Spacious is one of the words that estate agents apply as an oxymoron.  Sometimes they give the game away with an adjective such as "deceptively".

yeah, thanks for reminding me about 'deceptively spacious.'
What they're trying to hint at is a Tardis-like quality, but don't now how to render it in English.


Could someone please run an article in the Estate Agents' Trade Paper about this ?
If the weather is 'deceptively cool' it means you'll get burned even though it looks cold.
'This ascent begins with a deceptively easy path' ( = you'll wish you'd brought your crampons and ropes).

The one bed studio flat with Juliet balcony is not 'deceptively spacious'
it just appears small and is very small.

Mind you , as a group estate agents tend to be deceptively honest.
(sure to bait the lurking realtor-cycling-enthusiasts) !

[cygnet]

Just the hallway!

Upon entrance via the brand new and contemporary coloured front door, complete with silver trimmings you are greeted by an abundance of natural light which radiates throughout the property ricocheting off of the white washed walls, decorated to a very high standard from room to room.

[ian]

Where did this obsession with 'natural light' come from? It's rather odd, it just means you have to close the blinds every time the sun comes out and your house or flat is perpetually too hot or too cold, and your neighbours can see you in your pants. I'd prefer shady, like they do in other countries.

[rogerzilla]

The owner believed this would be his forever home

And then next door became a crack house.

[ian]

I tried to find the blurb for our compact and bijou first house – but it eludes me, however the pictures from the latest sale, honestly, my wife and I are left scratching our heads. Honestly, we couldn't open the wardrobe in the main bedroom.

I also, can't for the life of me figure out how they squeezed a third 'study bedroom' in there (ah, they extended the back, but it wasn't a huge garden). Anyway, sold for £518k last year. Bonkers. Best described as a starter home. Anyway, shouldn't complain, it in part explains why we pay our current mortgage with spare change.

It reminds me of the four-bedroom house we saw in Bromley once, where three of the bedrooms wouldn't have fit a bed.