G Imlach: | O hai & if u thort yesterda's stage woz even MOAR phun than me, TV's finest evvah dispenser of jovialities, then 2da promises 2 b even phunner! |
Omnes: | That's not a word! |
G Imlach: | Iz mi sho! I can use wotever words I liek. |
Omnes: | Wot about ***? |
G Imlach: | Wot about him? |
Omnes: | Can he use wotever words he lieks 2? |
G Imlach: | The boundaries are sumwot elastic, tho there iz a total ban on teh word "Snollygoster". Y u ask? |
Omnes: | Iffen he uses teh word "horrorshow" 2 describe sumfing wot iz bad once MOAR we'll set Bethany (9) on him! |
Bethany (9): | Not 2da tho! Everyfink tastes ov SwarfegaTM! I nevvah fort missis peeboddy ment it litrully, teh fukn C-O-W! Anyone got got S Chakrabarti's fone numba? |
G Imlach: | Enuff ov ur domestic & linguistic wo: there iz a biek race. Yay T Pinot J Alaphilippe E Buchmann boo G Thomas T Moviestar R Porte D Martin & teh Yates bruvs! Among others! |
E Buchmann: | Ssssssh! U en't seen me, rite! |
T Pinot: | I am vair 'appee! |
G Thomas: | Yeah not feeling gr8 yesterda yeah try 2 ride own pace yeah 1 ov those das yeah still lot 2 come. Yeah. |
J Alaphilippe: | Pwn teh Tour ov France? I do not think ov zis! |
G Imlach: | G Thomas: 1-off bad da or fuXX0red? |
P Deignan: | G Thomas sub-par in tiem-trail 2. Iffen he haz teh bad 1 toda he iz fuXX0red. T Ineo$ a bit shit 2! |
G Imlach: | Over 2 *** & Super D! Can J Alaphilippe pwn teh hole race? |
N Boulting: | Hahahahahahaha! [Aside:] Wnkr! |
SD Millar: | Paradigm shift! Quantum leap! Higgs boson! |
EH Boson: | U wot? |
N Boulting: | V Nibbles! Spottyjumper! |
T Wellens: | Y can't he leave me alone! I bin floggin' mi arse off 4 2 weeks! Spottypoint here, spottypwn there, I deserve it, V Nibbles, u wnkr! |
V Nibbles: | C this? This iz me not caring! |
C Prudhomme: | OK, u mealy-mouthed hoors & poneyfckrs, do a biek race! [Waves fleg] |
N Boulting: | Gr8 will b teh scramble 2 get in teh break 2da! Look, see, TTD Energie r @ it agane! |
SD Millar: | They're a bit shit tho, rn't they? |
TTD Energie: | No we're not! |
SD Millar: | So wot u acheevd on this Tour, eh? |
TTD Energie: | We've had sum riders in futile breaks & got quite a lot ov TV tiem when N Terpstra felled off hiz biek & had 2 go hoam & we... No. Ur rite. We're a bit shit! |
TD Gendt: | Refreshed after mi da off, I TD Gendt, racing beast wif a mind liek a steel trap... |
Omnes: | "Mind liek a steel trap"? Wot, full of mice? |
TD Gendt: | I h8 u all! |
N Boulting: | Spottyjumper hard 2 win u haz 2 assault attack every da! |
SD Millar: | No sign ov V Nibbles yet! Mite he be biding hiz tiem? |
V Nibbles: | I mite. Or I mite b keeping mi hyperbole onna low lite! |
T Wellens: | Tiem 2 crank up teh breakdar! Yes, this 1 will do! |
N Boulting: | But soft! Who iz this in teh jumper teh color ov bogies trying 2 bridge teh gap? |
CP Sagan: | Only meeeee! LOLZ0RZ!! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! During teh shitverts teh breaketto woz cort! Here 4 ur entertainment iz another 1! |
SD Millar: | Château de Puylaurens! Kewl or wot? |
N Boulting: | Pwns teh châteaujumper thus far, Super D! But look, see! TK Alpecin rider try 2 bridge teh gap! Iz R Zabel! |
R Zabel: | No, ***, it iz not me. Becoz I iz @ hoam. In bed. Wif teh flu. Since teh end ov stage 10. U tit! |
N Boulting: | I, er, look, a tower ov Visigoths! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | TK Alpecin v active 2da! |
N Boulting: | Look, see, R Bardet trying it on! Mite he haz a go @ teh spottyjumper? |
SD Millar: | No. Becoz he's shit. He'd pwn teh sootyjumper iffen there woz 1, but there izn't! |
R Bardet: | Fck! Off! |
N Boulting: | Still no break! |
SD Millar: | Tired riders! No top-end! Can't break teh elastic! |
Y Offredo: | Did I menshn that 2da iz yet another 1 ov h8ing this? |
SD Millar: | R Bardet agane! Wot he do? |
R Bardet: | Anything 2 get away from teh relentless sarcasm ov ML Maire & M Pingu! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Altho we thort TD Gendt woz fuXX0red, he wasn't! |
SD Millar: | He haz taken a 12-bore 2 teh pelican! Blud guts fethers evrywhere! |
TD Gendt: | Maximum LOLZ0RZ! |
SD Millar: | He cud taek teh spottyjumper 2da iffen he pwns teh stage, er, no, I'm being a doppo, rn't I? |
Omnes: | Yes, Super D! Yes, u r! |
SD Millar: | Teh pelican haz cort TD Gendt et al anyway, so iz irrelephant! Lucky escape 4 me, rite, kidz? |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Teh pelican iz split & T Wellens iz in teh bak bit! |
T Wellens: | Thank u, TD Gendt! Not. |
N Boulting: | Foix! W Barguil winz0red here b4 & so did LL Sanchez! |
SD Millar: | LL Sanchez onli winz0red becoz he doned teh assault attack on CP Sagan wile he was nomming a sanwitch! Teh sneeky fckr! |
CP Sagan: | I haz still not 4given u 4 that, LL Sanchez! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! D Caruso hav opened a gappetto. He's teammates & BFFs wif V Nibbles! |
D Caruso: | O sole miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiioooooooooooo! |
Omnes: | Aiiiieeeee! Stuka attack! |
D Caruso: | When I sing u tell me 2 ride a biek, when I ride a biek u tell me 2 sing! I h8 u all, u, u Palestinians!!1! |
Omnes: | A fine rant, D Caruso rite up until teh very last word! |
G Campari: | Meh! He's just recycling a joak I doned in 1933. Just b4 I got killed utterly 2 DETH @ Monza! |
Omnes: | Eeeek! A ghostie! |
Bethany (9): | I taek it there haz not yet bin a definitive break? |
N Boulting: | Akshually it cud b. Difficult 2 sa iffen it's a break or a split pelican. But it's got I Montoya N Quintana in it, also D Martin R Bardet & V Nibbles. |
Bethany (9): | Ta, ***! Txt me if anyfing hapns, I'll be gargling mi Mum's moufwash! Fukn SwarfegaTM FFS, fukn missis peeboddy teh fukn C-O-W! |
Bethany's Mum: | Bef'ny! Wot u doin' in teh barfroom, u l'il ho? U bin in there 4 hours! |
| [...] |
M Woods: | \o/ Spottypoints eh! |
V Nibbles: | Arse! |
R Bardet: | Piss! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Sum tw@ dressed as a Knigget Templar! |
ML Maire: | Iz it noted Biffer, convicted crinimal & utter bumhole D "Bondy" Bond? |
AK Templar: | Bof! U Eeengleeesh! Now go away, or I will taunt u a second tiem! |
N Boulting: | Tiem 4 a crafty snifter! Over 2 M Smith in teh broom cupboard! |
M Smith: | O hai! I haz S Gerrans agane, becoz he haz a proppa job so cannot do weekdas! |
S Gerrans: | O hai! Where's teh car batri? |
M Smith: | Ur in luck, S Gerrans! I forgot 2 recharge it! So, TDQ Step TJ Visma T Ineo$. Surely not work 2gether? |
S Gerrans: | None ov them can afford 2 let teh break get 2 far up teh road, thobut! |
M Smith: | T Ineo$! They were a bit shit yesterda, no? |
S Gerrans: | Inna nutshell, yes! |
M Smith: | TDQ Step? |
S Gerrans: | They got mugged bi J Alaphilippe faling 2 blo up! Stage pwnage E Viviani, E Mas mountainz & juniorshinyjumper, split priorities! |
M Smith: | Bethany (9)’s Da... R Urán? Iz he in teh front froup? |
S Gerrans: | No. No, he iz not. Teh pelican haz doned sum very Stupidz things mostly involving T Moviestar but they r not that dim! |
G Bennett [on Twitter]: | Oi, spectidiots! Not 2 do teh "Boo" @ G Thomas & don't menshn teh criket! |
G Thomas [also on Twitter]: | They woz doning teh "Boo" @ u, G Bennett roffle criket! |
G Bennett [also also on Twitter]: | Hahahahahahaha! [Aside:] Wnkr! |
M Smith: | Sprint sprint sprintEEEE! |
M Matthews: | \o/ |
CP Sagan [via Pelican Post]: | Fcks? U can haz 0, M Matthews, u gr8 ponce! |
| [...] |
M Smith: | L8 iz come teh Mur de Péguère 2012 tin tax E Cuddles S Cummings 30 Fairy visitations! Mega-LOLZ0RZ! |
S Gerrans: | Teh front froup haz splat! Or haz it? OR HAZ IT??!? Oh. It haz not. As u were. |
M Smith: | T Moviestar! WT Actual F were they doning yesterda! |
T Moviestar: | We're aiming 2 pwn teh team priez! |
Omnes: | Ah, teh priez that noone cares about! |
| [...] |
M Smith: | TDQ Step! Not enuff cover 4 J Alaphilippe in teh final week? |
S Gerrans: | Yes, no & maybe! |
Omnes: | :facepalm: Also J Alaphilippe iz quite capable of wheelsucking TJ Visma & T Ineo$ on hiz own! |
S Gerrans: | Teh front froup haz splat! Or haz it? OR HAZ IT??!? Yes, it haz! Amazeballs! |
| [Sur le Port de Lers] |
S Yates: | C me assault attack! Oh. |
M Smith: | Predict, S Gerrans! |
S Gerrans: | 2da cud be anyone. Teh race G Thomas! |
N Boulting: | We're baaaaaack! Well, I am, with P Deignan! Super D haz disappeared again! |
Omnes: | Iz Foix known 4 Millarnery then, roffle? |
N Boulting: | Yoicks! E Mas haz bin shat out ov teh pelican's fethery arse! |
P Deignan: | He must be ill. No other explanation maek sense. |
N Boulting: | I Montoya N Quintana smax ov desperation unworthi! |
P Deignan: | He's onli 29, mind! |
5: | Ooooh, poneys! |
N Boulting: | Not so much front froup splat as I Montoya N Quintana dropped! |
P Deignan: | 2da suit J Alaphilippe beter than yesterda not so hi not so long climbs. I do not think he will b0rk 2da! |
N Boulting: | T Ineo$? |
P Deignan: | Depends on how G Thomas feel 2da, iffen he... |
Omnes: | Soz 2 interrupt, P Deignan, but we need *** 2 identify that birb! |
N Boulting: | Look! I! Don't! Fukn! Kno! D Martin! |
5's Mummy: | Play up, young man! Oh, Ai say! He's back wif teh leaders! Jolly well done! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! I Montoya N Quintana iz bak @ teh front! Teh pelican will haz 2 react! |
P Deignan: | They cannot afford 2 give I Montoya N Quintana 5 minits! |
N Boulting: | Whither E Buchmann? Taking GC Mountain by stealth! |
E Buchmann: | Ssssssh! I ate'nt here! |
N Boulting: | This iz not teh normal break not full ov lusers from TTD Energie T Cofidis & T Wanky Froup Gobshite! |
TWG Gobert: | Le sigh! |
N Boulting: | Virtual shinyjumper I Montoya N Quintana second! |
R Bardet: | \o/ SootySpottypoints! Watch ur bak, T Wellens! |
| [...] |
P Deignan: | Descant rad &, moreover gnarly! |
Omnes: | We are keeping a beedy eye on S Reichenbach... |
S Reichenbach: | Fck! Off! |
N Boulting: | M Woods! Not good @ descending? |
P Deignan: | L8 arrival in biek racing. L8 arrivals r a Rubbish @ descending! |
P Roglič [via Loonmail]: | I dispute ur analysis, P Deignan! |
P Deignan: | There's always 1! |
| [Onto teh Mur de Péguère] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! We haz rain, & Super D Millar! |
SD Millar: | Sketchy! |
N Boulting: | Horrorshow! |
Omnes: | Gagh! |
N Boulting: | R Bardet? Spottyjumper? |
SD Millar: | He's got 2 salvage something from this car crash innit! |
N Boulting: | Climby bonerfications on this mountain! Not that it matters! |
N Quintana: | O RLY? |
SD Millar: | TDQ Step doning a good job. Even E Viviani iz pulling @ teh front! |
E Viviani: | I h8 it, tho! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard haz doned teh assault attack, V Nibbles has been boaked out ov teh pelican's mitey beek & TDQ Step r running out ov firepower, horsepower & CAT Diesel Power! |
N Boulting: | M Landa assault attack teh pelican! |
SD Millar: | Another T Moviestar tictacal triumph! |
N Boulting: | He iz taking J Birdpoo wif him! |
ML Maire: | This race iz untidy. We can no longer kepe track ov who C Prudhomme's homies r pointing teh camra @! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! G Thomas iz marking J Alaphilippe LOL! |
SD Millar: | Wowsa! 1 km from summit S Yates assault attack teh break! |
S Geschke: | C me not look bhind me! |
Omnes: | Y not? U not scared ov being cort? |
S Geschke: | Noes. Mi hipsta beard iz cort in teh zip ov mi jumper! Still, spottypwn! O hai, S Yates! 2 slo 4 this hipsta! |
N Boulting: | 36 km pelican two & a 1/2 minits utter chaos! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! R Bardet iz making shouty Bad Swears @ I Montoya N Quintana! |
R Bardet: | Do sum fkn work u fkn wnkr! |
N Quintana: | |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | T Moviestar! M Landa chasing I Montoya N Quintana! |
SD Millar: | I hereby offishully give up trying 2 figga out wot T Moviestar think they r doning! |
| [Onto teh Foix Prat d'Albis] |
SD Millar: | S Yates & S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard r pulling away from every1! |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe haz no domestiques 4 botle-fetching! Wasted NRG! |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe haz wasted NRG 4 teh last 4tnite & it hazn't doned him ne harm LOL! |
M Rendall: | [Waxes peotic] |
N Boulting: | Yay! No MOAR shitverts! |
Omnes: | HURRAH!!1! |
N Boulting: | S Yates! Surely iz in teh bag! |
S Geschke: | Oi! Me & mi hipsta beard haz also pwned a mountain stage, u kno! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! M Landa haz cort I Montoya N Quintana! |
S Yates: | Bored now! Bai, S Geschke & ur hipsta beard! |
S Geschke: | Piss! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! M Landa haz dropped I Montoya N Quintana! |
SD Millar: | Next on Mystery SCIENCE Theater 3000: T Moviestar's Tactics! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! R Bardet haz blowed up! |
R Bardet: | I h8 this! |
N Boulting: | D Gaudu: he's a bit handy, no? |
S Geschke: | Onoz! Me & mi hipsta beard haz been cort flattened bi M Landa! |
T Pinot: | Tiem 4 me 2 lob another grenade @ teh GC contenders! |
N Boulting: | Yoicks! G Thomas S Kruijswijk dropped! |
SD Millar: | T Pinot agane! |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe dropped! |
E Buchmann: | No, iz sumwun who look liek me... oh. Damn u, T Pinot! |
E Bernal: | I ate'nt... [dies] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! J Alaphilippe bak wif S Kruijswijk & G Thomas! |
T Pinot: | O hai, M Landa! |
G Thomas: | Tiem 2 stick teh boot in2 J Alaphilippe! |
S Yates: | \o/ Job's a good 'un! U muppets backed teh wrong Yates! |
T Pinot: | P2 & bonerfications! |
G Thomas: | Ha! Taek that, J Alaphilippe! |
J Alaphilippe: | 2moro iz teh rest da & iffen u want mi jumper u'll haz 2 come & fite 4 it! |
| [...] |
G Thomas: | Yeah better than yesterda yeah difficult 1 yeah not pull J Alaphilippe er rock anna hard place yeah. T Pinot. Yeah. |
S Kruijswijk: | Teh Tour iz not over! |
M Madiot: | When I sed that u all roffled! U bstrds! |