Author Topic: Tour ov France 2022: The Remix Album (Read 10194 times)

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #50 on:** 08 July, 2022, 03:02:04 pm »

Yay! 1st Spottypwn 4 S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard

Beardy · « **Reply #51 on:** 08 July, 2022, 03:24:41 pm »

I doz think that P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz ™ Tour colmantary should be released on Audible than I can read it whilst I do my projects as demanded by Dr Beardy.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #52 on:** 08 July, 2022, 05:08:18 pm »

Stage 7: Tomblaine -> La Super Planche Des Belles Filles

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! So wif teh inevitabiliti ov me, TV's G Imlach, bein' voted Funniest TV Present0r Evvah 4 teh 35th yere runnin' T Pogačar hav pwned teh shinyjumper. Tho WV Aert's bonkas kammikarzi assault attack maek teh pelican lite up & sa "Tilt" roffle!
TP Kennaugh:	Kammokarzi! [Maeks fingas into umop-ap!sdn "OK" sines, appliz to faec 2 look liek goglez, iffen ur 9 yeres old] EEEEEOOOOWWWWW! DACKA-DACKA-DACKA! Taek that, American pigdog!
G Imlach & NC Boardman [in stereo]:
TP Kennaugh:	Wot?
EO Aquitaine:	Gro up, u litle skwit! Or ur hed's comin' off!
G Imlach:	C'n it wate until we get M Rendell bak from Niugini? Onli we's a bit short-handid in teh colemantary staeks rite now…
EO Aquitaine:	Y u not give Bethany (12) anuvver go? Oh, I c u got anuvver l8 start 2da so Super D & *** c'n haz thare lunch b4 ur prog starts! So u c'n ignoer Bethany (12) agane! Grrr! Angri EO Aquitaine iz angri!
5's Mummy:	Ai, Syrah Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh (Mrs), am also angry! The way you treated poor Bethany yesterday was simply shameful! Likening her to mice indeed! You had better make amends tout de suite or you will have me to answer to!
Omnes:	PHWOAR! She's ded hot when she's gotta strop on!
5's Mummy:	Get! Out! I want to hear no more from you unwashed cave-dwellers until BRITAIN has a new The Prime Minister! Preferably one who is not a complete and utter `["disagreeable person" – The Invigilator]`!
	[Exeunt omnes, muttering about MILFs]
Bethany (12):	Coo, ta, Syrah! That showd teh horble sexis' oinkas, eh
G Imlach:	Iz 2 l8 2 chaeng teh prog now! We haz 2 plan fings around **'s dried frog pillz! But we's gotta soopa-long sho 2moz coz we's used up r kwota ov repetes ov Rivva Monstas* 4 this weke!
J Wade:	Iz a shaem JJ Jarlinsson, teh Colombian Viking, ent here! [Indicates teefs on pikcha ov JJ Jarlinsson, teh Colombian Viking] Just look @ teh feersum set of gnashas on this fully-grone specimin¹!
JJ Jarlinsson (Teh Colombian Viking):	Me & El Molñiro sez ¡O holai!
NC Boardman:	Clere off, dopa! We dunt wunt ur sort round 'ere!
EC Boardman:	Oh, I dunno…
G Imlach:	Ne-wa, 2da iz Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz ware, u may recall, T Pogačar doned it 2 P Roglič from a gr8 hite!
T Pogačar:	LOL &, moreover, roffle!
EC Boardman:	Coff! Coff! `["Fruit!" – Ed.]`
G Imlach:	& iz teh Soopa vershn wif teh 1 (one) km ov stepe 'n' horble gravel @ teh top, wot maed D Martin (retd.) sa a Rood Worm about Le Roi C Prudhomme on liev TV!
D Martin:	Well, ne-1 who put sumfink liek that @ teh top ov Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz iz a cnt! sozmissispouli… er, Syrah!
5's Mummy:	It was a jolly beastly thing to do, D Martin, but I'd prefer you not to use that word again!
Omnes:	U used it about ur MP last yere!
5's Mummy:	And I regret it! Also, did I not tell you rabble to leave? Go on, off you, er, go!
Bethany (12):	Yebbut, she iz a c… 1 ov them! Anna liar anna 2-bit chizzlin' nogoodnik anna idiot anna uncriticle Bloody Stupid Johnson fangrrl anna… anna TIT! Wot h8s foxiz! Foxiz iz kewl!
ML Maire:	Naem naems, Bethany (12)! Naem naems!
Bethany (12):	Wot, & hav that lot [Points in direction ov Teh Chorus shuffling awa wif its kolektiv hed bowed] fine out ware I lives? U must b fkn jokin'!
G Imlach:	When u kwite dun, we's gotta biek raec goin' on…
5's Mummy:	Yes, well, I suppose you had better get on with it then. But if you let poor Bethany (12) down tomorrow my wrath will be medieval in its severity!
G Imlach:	yesmissuspoulidorfanshaw… Kwik! 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
N Boulting:	O hai! We haz 10 (ten) hoapless stoogez up teh rode. Thare woz eleven (11) rid0rz but M Soler woz Mr Mardipants when teh teme tole 'im 2 wurk @ teh front ov teh pelican so VS Laengan hadter drop out ov teh breakfroupfing.
SD Millar:	K-os! Un-dissi-plin…
Bethany's Mum:	C mi web site 4 detalez!
SD Millar:	…unprofeshnul!
N Boulting:	P Roglič! Looks in a bit ov streif! We sent ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, P Roglič!
P Roglič:	O hai!
D Friebe:	Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz! Bad memriz?
P Roglič:	No. 2da iz anozzer da!
D Friebe:	U hurty?
P Roglič:	4 sure, but I iz not here 2 cri!
D Friebe:	Bit ov a contrast wif M Soler, eh, readas!
N Boulting:	Last tiem we comed 'ere G Thomas teh best ov teh Gee-See contendas!
D Teuns:	Last tiem we comed 'ere I pwned teh staeg!
G Ciccone:	& I pwned teh shinyjumper! I didn't get Hung Up!
N Boulting:	I, er, um, in teh breakfroupfing iz L Kämna, M Schachmann, K Asgreen, I Erviti, S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard, D Teuns, M Pedersen, G Ciccone, L Durbridge & C Barthe. Now u kno az much az we duz!
SD Millar:	Teh finle clime: iz horble!
EC Boardman:	Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
SD Millar:	It ent teh Alp de Huey but c'n pla a significnt part ov teh outcoem ov teh Tour ov France!
EC Boardman:	Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
N Boulting:	Iffen teh breakfroupfing sta awa u gotta fanci L Kämna!
SD Millar:	L Kämna!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	L Kämna!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	*** 4got 2 nom 'iz dried frog pillz an' had 2 go 4 a lie down LOL! WV Aert pwned teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE 4 teh mina snottysprint & M Schachmann, L Kämna & L Durbridge hav doned a assault attack on teh 1st spottyclime!
TP Kennaugh:	Wud ov xpektd G Ciccone 2 b up thare. Wonda y he ent?
G Ciccone:	I woz Miles Away!
Omnes:	Grone…
Bethany (12):	Wile u woz bein' sold laem Madonna gags D Teuns, S Geschke & S Geschke's hipsta beard hav joined teh lead0rz!
TP Kennaugh:	Look, see! S Geschke…
Bethany (12):	…& hiz hipsta beard SPRINTEEE clear!
S Geschke:	\o/ Spottypwn 4 me & mi hipsta beard!
Bethany (12):	We sent…
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pogačar!
T Pogačar:	O hai!
D Friebe:	2da's staeg?
T Pogačar:	4 sure iz soopa hard. Will b phun! We will c!
D Friebe:	`[“The Belgian rider” – Ed.]` sed teh otha da that 'e dunt think ur on it this yere!
T Pogačar:	'e c'n fck off then! Daft ol' bugga!
D Friebe:	Cut! Cut! U c'n't sa that about `[“The Belgian rider” – Ed.]`!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	Wile u woz bein' sold crap & we woz sortin' out T Pogačar bein' rood 2 `[“The Belgian rider” – Ed.]` 0 hav hapnd! Hav u bort a funeral yet?
WWX Lackey:	This iz wa above mi pa graed!
Bethany (12):	We ect…
D Friebe:	O hai ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana!
~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana:	¡O holai!
D Friebe (in Spaignish):	Ur Tour ov France so fa?
~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana:	's OK, I s'pose… Teh mntns r comin'! We will c!
D Friebe:	& Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz?
~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana:	's OK, I s'pose!
D Friebe:	G Martin sez T Pogačar iz a extraterrestrial! Wot sa u?
~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana:	's OK, I s'pose!
D Friebe:	Sumtiems I h8 this job!
Bethany (12):	Gotta motabiek lined up 2 hang on2 2da, ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana roffle?
EC Boardman:	I wish I'd sed that!
TP Kennaugh:	'e did manij 2 put 1 ova teh hole ov T $ky @ teh Dolphiné that tiem!
Bethany (12):	U rode 4 T $ky bak then, Tiny P, no?
TP Kennaugh:	Sssssh! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaaaack! Wetha! Soopa hete-waev next weke! Yoicx!
SD Millar:	Cud b horble!
EC Boardman:	Bring it!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar dunt liek teh hete! TUAE Emirates!
SD Millar:	Thare not az shit az every1 rekns! Got sum gud climas! Tho thare 4m on teh flat iz a bit ov a Rubbish! M Hirschi! Woz amazeballs in 2019 an' crap last yere!
M Hirschi:	I felled off ov mi biek rite @ teh start ov teh Tour ov France last yere!
N Boulting:	Er, um, look, see! Now thare r seven (7) rid0rz @ teh front three (3) minits ahed ov teh pelican! L Kämna! Sportz Personalti ov Bremen! I met 'im 1nce @ teh bagij reclame @ Doo-Bye airport 'n' bored teh arse off ov 'im!
SD Millar:
N Boulting:	R S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard plannin' sumfink?
S Geschke:	\o/ Spottypwn! Me & mi hipsta beard r comin' 4 u, MC Nielsen!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! TUAE Emirates orl ova teh front ov teh pelican! Teh PHEAR! Teh othas will haz it!
SD Millar:	T Pogačar kno teh clime betta'n ne-1!
N Boulting:	I herd teh rode biek he used 4 teh tiem trial 2 (two) yeres ago had kiddiewink gearz0rz! Xplane plz, Super D?
SD Millar:	[Yet anotha pashunt attempt 2 xplane gearz0rz 2 ** teh gr8 thik-o]*
N Boulting:	L Kämna & M Schachmann: tri 2 pwn teh staeg or hang about 4 A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe.
N Boulting:	We…
D Friebe:	O hai, D Teuns!
D Teuns:	O hai!
D Friebe:	Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz?
D Teuns:	Soopa hard! Soopa stepe! We will c!
D Friebe:	Breakfroupfing or wot?
D Teuns:	4 sure I will tri 2 get inna breakfroupfing but Teh pelican will decied!
D Friebe:	Y u kepe makin' me do this?
	[…]
N Boulting:	20 km, 2' minits. Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz! Iz iconic! R Porte hav teh lap rekord!
SD Millar:	Iz orl uphill from 'ere, xept teh downhill bitz! Look, see! WV Aert hav bin domestiquated!
WV Aert:	I c'n still pwn teh staeg, u kno!
N Boulting:	T Pinot! Iz local! Big support here!
5:	Here 2! Le sigh!
Omnes:	Oh, u still 'ere then? We fort u'd bin sent off 2 a posh skool in Schnibbleland wif orl teh otha six-toed poneyf…
5's Mummy:	How very dare you Australopethici speak to my daughter like that! [Whistles] Rambo! Tyson! Julian! See them orf!
	[FX: furious barking, howls ov pane]
EC Boardman:	Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh yes!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing hav not kwite reached Teh iconic Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz! Look, see! T Ineo$ 4ce teh paec! F Ganna! I Erviti dropt bi teh breakfroupfing! No MOAR shitverts!
L Kämna:	Rite, lusers, do ur worst!
SD Millar:	M Schachmann & C Barthe dropt!
Omnes:	So iz an Erli Barthe LOL?
N Boulting:	Look, see! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard assault attack!
SD Millar:	L Durbridge xploded!
Omnes:	Get in, S Geschke & ur hipsta beard!
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates goin' betta'n they did on teh flat!
N Boulting:	Look, see! MVD Poel! Shat out ov teh pelican's fethery arse! L Kämna drop D Teuns & catch S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
SD Millar:	L Kämna assault attack! Smart! Used D Teuns 4 hiz own fiendish ends!
S Geschke:	Piss!
N Boulting:	Teh gap iz still 1 minit!
SD Millar:	BO Connor haz xploded!
BO Connor:	Aah, bugarup! Ne-1 fanci a BEER?
N Boulting:	J Birbsong hav xploded!
SD Millar:	G Bennett lift paec 4 TUAE Emirates!
N Boulting:	R Bardet hav xploded! A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian, 2!
SD Millar:	T Pidcock an' all!
N Boulting:	Nelson Pooless in trub?
SD Millar:	TJ Visma still haz loadsa rid0rz left!
N Boulting:	3 km 46" seconds! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard cort bi teh pelican's sumwot less'n'mitey beek! G Bennett hav xploded! Parc droppin'! Sum ov tdh rid0rz whom (grammer) we thort had xploded iz gettin' bak on!
Omnes:	Get in, L Kämna!
SD Millar:	R Majka 2 teh front!
R Majka:	[Extravagant arm-waev] OK, T Pogačar, orl urs!
N Boulting:	1 km 35" seconds! Gee-See contend0rz droppin' liek fliez! T Pogačar assault attack!
SD Millar:	G Thomas, J Vingegaard & P Roglič go wif 'im!
Omnes:	Goooooo L Kämna!
N Boulting:	J Vingegaard assault attack! Pass L Kämna…
L Kämna:	Fckles! Wuffo u do that, J Vingegaard, u tit?
N Boulting:	T Pogačar maek chaes!
T Pogačar:	\o/ Ur gonna havta get up a lot erlier to pwn this alien LOL!
5:	Ware's T Pinot?
Omnes:	Chek bak afta teh shitverts roffle!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Wowsa! Teh iconic Ironing Board Ov Teh Priti Grilz delivvas agane! G Thomas loose 14" seconds, D Gaudu 19, A Yates 29! T Ineo$ still haz 4 rid0rz in teh Top 10 (ten) but T Pogačar'll havta b recalld 2 teh mothaship iffen they wanna pwn teh raec!
NC Boardman:	Still loadsa mntns 2 coem thobut!
Omnes:	MOAR shitverts alredi?
	[…]
T Pogačar:	Reeli diff! Gr8 teme! Reeli happi! Big gole 2 pwn 2da! J Vingegaard danjerus! Bestest clima in teh wurrrld! We will c!
G Imlach:	TUAE Emirates! Confuzzled?
TP Kennaugh:	Iz niec 2 c teh rid0rz sho sum emoshn! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
G Imlach:	Lumpy da 2moz!
NC Boardman:	Mite cause furtha splitz! Look, see! Teh last rid0rz r onli jus' finishin'!
EC Boardman:	Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! MOAR plz!
ML Maire:	Hold on! Iz this teh 1976 Japa-Knees Grand Prix I c b4 me?
Omnes:	M Andretti pwned teh raec; J Hunt teh Wurrrld Champz! Now! Get! On! Wif! It!

H/t 2 citoyen otp 4 sowing teh sedes ov this joak.

Grizzly bear at Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz by Mr Larrington, on Flickr

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #53 on:** 08 July, 2022, 07:15:04 pm »

Additional: S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard got the Combativité today

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #54 on:** 09 July, 2022, 01:22:59 pm »

Yay! Cowbells! ~ The Bruce Dickinson, just now!

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #55 on:** 09 July, 2022, 05:38:44 pm »

Stage 8: Dole -> Lausanne - Part 1

Had to split this, like a spatchcocked pelican, because it exceeded the character limit for a post, because table SCIENCE & soap-opera storyline.

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & welcum 2 anuvver da ov frillz, spillz & rofflz on teh gr8 feest ov mirth & hard-hittin' dramer that iz teh Tour ov France wif me, TV's G Imlach. Offishuli MOAR funneh than ne otha 3 (three) peops in hist. put togetha!
Bethany (12):	[citation needed]
G Imlach:	Iffen ur gonna dowt mi wurd, Bethany (12), u c'n kiss ne hoap ov a TV c'reer gudbye!
Bethany (12):	Gotta tow teh parti lien, duz I? Fascist!
5's Mummy:	If your programme has no room for dissenting viewpoints, G Imlach, then BRITAIN in the post-Bloody Stupid Johnson era is in an even more parlous state than Ai thought!
G Imlach:	Y u not promote teh interests ov ur own dorter, Missispoulidorfanshaw, iffen u doan min' mi askin'?
5's Mummy:	Vivalda has quite enough privilege as it is, G Imlach.
EC Boardman:	Yeah, she's got orl teh frends that munny c'n buy! Oh y… shit!
5's Mummy:	Ai shall deal with you later, Evil C Boardman. Use your time wisely.
EO Aquitaine:	I suggest ritin' ur will LOL!
Omnes:	Ur gettin' teh hang ov this kwite gud, ur Maj!
TP Kennaugh:	I doan min' havin' Bethany (12) donin' teh releef colemantary! She dunt confooz me wif torkin' in FOREIGN liek TV's M Rendell! & she's a lot betta look… oh. Oops. I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Bethany's Mum:	Peedo!
TP Kennaugh:	I onli ment she ent a uglifckr liek M Rend… er. Oops.
Bethany's Mum:	I's gettin' Ofcon on2 u, u horble li'l nonce!
TP Kennaugh:	I nevvah doned nuffink! I mene, I's a) married & iii: in Schnibbleland wile Bethany (12), er, ent! & I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Bethany's Mum:	Oh. I fort u woz in Swiz Cottij! Jografi ent mi best subj. U'd betta wotchit tho, or I's gonna, er…
Bethany (12):	[Aside] …get ratarsd on cheep voddi & tri 2 sell me 2 sum crepe inna suit wot ended up D-E-D in teh Welsh Harp reservwah?
NC Boardman:	Duz we havta haz theze arguments evry flippin' da? Honissli, iz liek bein' inna episode ov Eestendas onli wifout teh jenrul feelin' ov contentment wif teh wurrrld! Thare's a biek raec still hapnin, u kno! Just let Bethany (12) do it @ leest until teh rest da or I's goin' hoam!
S-A Boardman:	U sta rite ware u r! Teh chek ent clered yet!
NC Boardman:	Sumtiems I h8 this job!
Bethany (12):	Ta, NC Boardman & TP Kennaugh! I o u 1!
G Imlach:	OK, litl Miss Clevvaclogz, 2da's staeg?
Bethany (12):	[Taeks depe breff] 186 km from Dole 2 Lausanne, classifyd az "Hilli" bi teh Eh-Ess-Oh. Snottysprint @ 47 km, b4 teh spottyclimes start. Moastli uphill afta that 4 50-odd km tho thare's onli 1 (one) 4th cat & one (1) 3rd. I haz a map [indic8s map] wot sho a sort ov platto 4 35 km b4 anuvver 4th cat, then moastli descant ova teh Schnibbliche borda anna eebil finnish onna 3rd cat clime. So thare cud b a breakfroupfing 4ming b4 teh snottysprint wif teh lieks ov CP Sagan & WV Aert in, wot teh pelican CBA 2 chaes down. Eny breakfroupfing's gonna get cort jus' b4 or on teh finle clime & it'll be a contessa btwene teh sprint0rz wot c'm clime liek M Matthews & WV Aert & teh climers wot haz a finnish liek T Pogačar. Mi munny, wich in mi caes I haz not got, iz on WV Aert.
G Imlach:	Wot did she jus' sa
NC Boardman:	I fink she's gotta moel in r parti wot fotocopid mi notez! Ware's teh WWX Lackey got 2, btw?
WWX Lackey:	U c'n't proov nuffink!
Bethany (12):	I c'n't rede ur ritin' ne-wa, Niec C! It look liek it woz ritted bi a spida dokta afta 2 much BEER! No, I doned mi hoamwurk liek a gud ickle gril!
Bethany's Mum:	Thass a 1st!
Bethany (12):	Mi skinni arse iz it! U fink I wanna end up liek u? Permapisst & on fkn pig tranks? Donin' "Escort Serviecs" 4 Tory fkn MPs? U fkn C-O-W! I h8 u! Oopsy. I sed that owt lowd agane!
Bethany's Mum:	[Starts cryin']
Omnes:	Steddi on, Bethany (12)! U ent evn a teenajer yet!
Bethany (12):	U gotta gro up kwik iffen u wanna surviev on teh mene stretez ov this pissant burg, buddi! Oh yes!
NC Boardman:	U c wot I ment about Eestendas eh! Kwik, 2 teh colemantary Sheds b4 teh bizziez gets invlvd!
SD Millar:	Crikey! I hoap mi dorter doan end up liek that!
Omnes:	We gives it seven (7) yeres!
SD Millar:	I h8 u all!
N Boulting:	[Sings] We orl came out 2 Lausanne! On teh Laek Geneva shore…[Ceases singin' sumwot abruptli] Gagh! Laeks! Horble fingz! Y cudn't we ov goned 2 teh c-side? Then I cud ov goned swimmin'!
Omnes:	Thare's fishies & slimy fings & horble monstas from teh benthic depfs in teh c 2, ***!
N Boulting:	It ent teh saem!
Bethany (12):	U bin expozd 2 2 mani repetes ov Rivva Monstas, ***! Orl 'em danjerus fishies wif TV's J Wade bangin' on about thare scairi teefs! I'd ov goned swimmin' in teh laek iffen I woz thare!
Bethany's Mum:	Floutin' ur 1/2 nekkid bodi on liev TV! Y not enta Luv Island 2?
Bethany (12):	Coz I's a: 12 & 4) not ornj! U fkn C-O-W!
Bethany's Mum:	[Starts cryin' agane]
N Boulting:	Ahem! Teh raec… VS Laegan & G Bouchard haz goned hoam wif teh Plague! Ne-wa, we haz teh hole staeg liev 2da!
Omnes:	Hurrah!
SD Millar:	Thare will b a big batle 2 get in2 teh breakfroupfing 2da! I, TV's Super D Millar, decree it thus! Teh staeg pwner will coem from teh breakfroupfing & it ent gonna b a sprint0r!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Pidcock bunni-hoppin' on2 teh pavement 4 a, er…
Omnes:	He's gonna get hiz piddlcock out roffle!
5's Mummy:	Get! Out!
N Boulting:	Wot's M Soler gonna do now VS Laengan's goned hoam LOL?
SD Millar:	J Degenkolb? M Matthews? Sprint0rz wot c'n clime a bit i.e. not C Ewan!
C Prudhomme:	[Waevs fleg] Off u fck, u hoapless wirlin' heeps ov batshit!
P Rolland:	I, P Rolland, teh French Frenchman wif teh French naem, shall haz a go! Oh. Piss!
	[Varius hoapless stooges tri & fale 2 maek braek]
MC Nielsen:	Well, I's off! Bord wif tittin' about in teh pelican!
Omnes:	Get in, MC Nielsen!
N Boulting:	Look, see! L Pasteur, son ov Dole! Wile we woz lookin' @ hiz pikcha onna foopball pitch MC Nielsen hav bin cort!
SD Millar:	Ooh, that's MOAR liek it! 3 (three) rid0rz haz gotted 10" seconds!
N Boulting:	F Wright, F Frison & M Kitteh-Neo! Mitey rushin' talewind! So just az thare's bin a chute smak bang in teh midle ov teh pelican we'll cut 2 teh shitverts!
Omnes:	U fkn modo, ***!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh pelican haz splat az a result ov teh chute. ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana felled ova sumwun. G Thomas T Pogačar held up. CP Sagan got round it…
CP Sagan:	Sumtiems it help 2 b Crazy LOL!
N Boulting:	Teh breakfroupfing haz almost a minit becoz teh pelican, wot ent sloed down, haz sloed down!
Omnes:	C'n u reboot 'im, Super D? He rekns we's gotta Schrödingpelican!
N Boulting:	Angri pelican iz angri! Chaes down breakfroupfing!
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates closin' it down! Allow rest ov pelican 2 get bak on!
N Boulting:	Breakfroupfing had 18" seconds but iz goned bak up 2 MOAR'n a minit agane! R Bardet chaeng hiz shooz!
M Pingu:	Puttin' on hiz chimney-climin' bootz?
R Bardet:	I h8 u all!
Omnes:	w00t! Donks! Donkeez wif flegs! On thare bax!
5:	Huh! Where's teh poneys? I wunt poneys! [Stamps foot] Daddy! Do something!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing haz neerli 3' minits. But TJ Visma maek chaes! We sent ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M Matthews!
M Matthews:	O hai!
D Friebe:	TB Xchaeng tri 2 control raec 4 u 2 pwn staeg?
M Matthews:	4 sure! Bin soopa hard since we iz in France! Tri 2 get in breakfroupfing! We will c wot hapns!
D Friebe:	U orlwaze go gud in Schnibbleland, but iz teh finnish 2 stepe & teh Gee-See contend0rz will get invlvd? Stick wif Teh Podge?
M Matthews:	Evry-1 gotta tri 2 stik 2 Teh Podge! Tho we got cort nappin' bi P Roglič assault attack teh otha da!
Omnes:	Wot a horble ekenaem!
D Friebe:	Doan blaem me… O hai, WV Aert!
WV Aert:	O hai! Hard staeg 2da. We will c!
D Friebe:	U recovva afta chute?
WV Aert:	4 sure! I lieks it when evry1 get tierd! Ne-thing c'n hapn!
D Friebe:	I shud ov bin a lori driva! Loris tork MOAR sense!
N Boulting:	BO Connor! He look damaged! ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana also! Felled ova K Vermaerke, who haz goned hoam!
SD Millar:	Gotta hurt, that! Tiem 4 r gormé lunch, ***die! Chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh & ~~M Rendell~~ Bethany (12) will taek ova 4 ur lissenin' plezh!
	[FX: running boots]
Bethany (12):	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing haz increast thare lede 2 3'20". Ppl aks "wot iz teh desiciv pt ov teh Tour" & I sa "orl ov it"!
TP Kennaugh:	Errrrr… I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Bethany (12):	We ect!
D Friebe:	O hai, C Swift! ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana loes neerli a minit yestada…
C Swift:	O hai! But 4 sure thare iz still a long wa 2 go! Mani hard staegs!
D Friebe:	Mite u b let off ov teh lede 2da?
C Swift:	Yes. No. Maybe. WV Aert!
D Friebe:	Jaysus, Mari & Franz Josef Strauß! Wot did I dun in a preevyus lief 2 deserv this?
Bethany (12):	~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana? Iz he damijed?
TP Kennaugh:	Based on absoluti 0 evidens wotsoevva, no.
Bethany (12):	M Matthews! Iffen him then also T Pogačar or WV Aert! Tho, & it pane me 2 sa so, iffen J Alaphilippe woz 'ere… F Wright! Ur bruv coach 'im, no?
TP Kennaugh:	Yes. Yes, he duz. Mi bruv jbex 4 TB Notorius & he sez…
B Dickinson:	Yay! Cowbells! Loadsa them!
TP Kennaugh:	U git, B Dickinson! I's 4got wot I woz gonna sa now! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Bethany (12):	Look, see! Soopa slomo ov BO Connor! 'e dunt look happi!
BO Connor:	I h8 this now! C'n I go hoam 'n' haz a BEER?
Bethany (12):	Teh breakfroupfing not contest teh snottysprint!
TP Kennaugh:	Will b diffrunt when teh pelican gets thare! & then they's gonna chaes wot iz easier in teh hillz than on teh flat wif a mitey rushin' talewind!
J Philipsen:	\o/ Pwned u, WV Aert!
WV Aert:	Meh!
Bethany (12):	Radio Free Prudhomme sez G Moscon haz goned hoam!
ÉTF Gesbert:	Roffle &, moreover, LOL!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	Christ, teh shitverts r, well, shit, ent they? Oh. R we liev? Oopsie. Let us go 2 noted curlifckr D Friebe agane!
D Friebe:	O hai, O Doull!
Omnes:	We thort "Owain Doull" woz a 2nd div Krautrock band LOL!
O Doull:	O hai & also fck off! Not u, D Friebe!
D Friebe:	Now N Pooless hav lost approx. 2 minits, wot u @ TEFE Post do now?
O Doull:	We will focus on, er, any oppatuniti goin'!
D Friebe:	How u findin' teh Tour ov France?
Omnes:	He jus' comes out ov teh hotel in teh mornin' & thare it iz ba-dumm TISH!
O Doull:	Fck! Off! Iz soopa hard! Ne other raec teh pelican kno wen 2 sa "Enuff iz enuff" but not hear! Hoapfulli I will get in a big breakfroupfing 2da!
D Friebe:	That went well, eh?
Bethany (12):	So almoast, tho not kwite, exactli wot dint hapn LOL!
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pidcock!
T Pidcock:	O hai!
D Friebe:	We go 2 Lausanne ware J Ratcliffe liev & pwn teh foopball teme! Incentiv?
T Pidcock:	No.
D Friebe:	FFS! Giev me 1: sumfink 2 wurk wif & b. strengf!
T Pidcock:	Schnibbleland haz teh niec rodes! Washin'-maschiney! Sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE! We will c!
D Friebe:	Roll on teh rest da!
Bethany (12):	When u havta do teh teme's press0rz & then selebraet ***'s birfda?
D Friebe:	Awwwwww, shite!
Bethany (12):	Washin'-maschiney? WTF?
TP Kennaugh:	Iz wen teh pelican duz a sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE onna wied rode & iz orlwaze changin' posishns & Stuffs!
Bethany (12):	Crikey! I nevva new that! C'n T Pidcock pwn 2 Tour ov France 1 da?
TP Kennaugh:	Yes. No. Maybe. He duz cyclo-X & mntn bieks 2, liek MVD Poel.
Bethany (12):	A ickle birb tole me that Super M Cipollini sed that MVD Poel orter consentr8 on teh rode full-tiem & forget tittin' about in teh mud!
SM Cipollini:	She's rite, u kno!
TP Kennaugh:	Old-skool attitood!
Omnes:	Ne-wa, SM Cipollini onli consentr8 on teh 1st weke ov teh Tour ov France b4 checkin' teh wetha 4cast 4 Rimini & fckn' off 2 teh beech!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We's baaaaack! Gud job thare, Bethany (12)! Look, see! BO Connor havin' a reeli bad tiem!
SD Millar:	Teme lead0r ov a French teme. No opshun xept 2 continu!
N Boulting:	F Wright! Hiz midle naem iz "Brockwell"! Afta teh park in Saarrff Londonton! He h8s it!
EC Boardman:	Hahahahahaha! Class!
N Boulting:	M Kitteh-Neo! Almost but not kwite in teh virtual shinyjumper! Wot's 'e 4?
Omnes:	Havin' cowbellz goin' off in 'iz ear'ole?
N Boulting:	Biek chaeng 4 M Matthews! Left on his tod!
SD Millar:	'e ent bovvered!
N Boulting:	M Kitteh-Neo, he jus' sed "Afta teh spottyclime we go full gas"!
SD Millar:	Gaem theori! But teh pelican will decied!
N Boulting:	MC Nielsen will still haz teh spottyjumper @ teh end ov 2da!
T Pogačar:	Not iffen I pwn teh staeg, he won't!
N Boulting:	Oh. Yes. Arse.
SD Millar:	Teh old CP Sagan wud ov bin a contend0r on this staeg 2!
CP Sagan:	I ATE'NT DED! Crazy!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh breakfroupfing iz not contestin' teh spottyclime!
F Frison:	Pts still mene priezes!
N Boulting:	F Frison hav a pet piggi wot 'e taek 4 walkies!
SD Millar:	Trés Belle Epoque!
GD Nerval:	Bof!

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #56 on:** 09 July, 2022, 05:39:07 pm »

Stage 8: Dole -> Lausanne - Special 12" Extended Disco Edition With Extra Cowbells By B Dickinson

(click to show/hide)

	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd!
Bethany (12):	No chaeng thare then!
N Boulting:	G Moscon! He's goned hoam!
Bethany (12):	DKUATB, ***!
N Boulting:	Tipt 2 b teh nxt Italian 2 pwn a Grantour bi I Basso!
ÉTF Gesbert:	He's still a dickhead, thobut!
K Reza:	& a racist!
Bethany (12):	Rite, 'e's in trub teh da afta I lede teh Panzers down Witehall! Teh Reëdukashn Camps bekn, G Moscon!
N Boulting:	T Astana!
SD Millar:	R they aktuli in teh raec this yere LOL?
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! 'e look… relaxed!
SD Millar:	Relaxed!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	Relaxed!
N Boulting:	CJ Jensen! He redes… BOOKS! Floss! He red Plate-O on teh Tirreno–Adriatico!
G Martin:	Bof! I rites boks about floss!
QF Maillet:	[Waevs out ov teh windo ov teh Prudmobile] O hai!
Omnes:	Who r u?
QF Maillet:	A dubble Olympix champ @ teh biathlon, innit!
Omnes:	Oh. Rite…
SD Millar:	I hart biathlon!
Omnes:	Chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh probli finks biathlon iz liek triathlon wifout swimmin' LOL!
TP Kennaugh:	I h8 u all!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing hav reached teh next spottyclime, wif 2 (two) minits lede! We sent chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh 2 recki teh finnish!
TP Kennaugh:	Puff… gasp… stepe… aaargh! [Dies]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Le Fort de Rousses! Part-pwned bi teh cheezmakas! Teh sellas iz full ov… CHEEZ!
SD Millar:	I ent much ov a cheez person, me!
EO Aquitaine:	Chilled red wine? Doan liek cheez? Get! Out! Ov! Mi! Cuntri! U! Heathn!
SD Millar:	Soz, ur Maj!
Omnes:	Super D had hiz taist budz shot off in teh wor!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Bethany's Da… R Urán gettin' hiz arm repared!
SD Millar:	Smart! Duz it onna clime wen he c'n hold on2 teh dokta's car!
R Urán:	Taek ur tiem, doc! Wanna haz a look @ mi otha elbo wen ur dun? & mi legses? & did I menshn I's havin' trubble sleepin'?
Omnes:	We c'n c ware Bethany (12) gets teh sneeki from LOL!
N Boulting:	Hot wetha comin'!
SD Millar:	Will, er, slo teh raec down!
N Boulting:	Shaem teh rid0rz dunt stop & jump mob-handid in2 teh c these das!
SD Millar:	I rekn teh breakfroupfing iz pla wif teh pelican!
N Boulting:	A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian! Looks uncomftabl!
SD Millar:	Yes. Yes, he duz. 2nd da afta a crash iz teh wurst! NV Hooydonk! 'e's bin enormus 2da!
NV Hooydonck:	I h8 this! C'n I stop now?
J Vingegaard:	Wurk! U! Doggo!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh gap iz down 2 just ova a minit!
Omnes:	Wud b a larf iffen teh Schnibble Borda4ce held teh hole raec up just 2 annoy teh Quitlers LOL!
N Fartrage:	Thass treezn! U shud orl be shot, an' hanged, an'…
Omnes:	Bak in ur pond, frog-faec!
B Dickinson:	I's lovin' this staeg! Orl them cowbellz! Rekn I's gonna kepe watchin' insted ov goin' out 2 pla wif Madness!
Omnes:	Lotta smoak bak thare! Sumwun's gotta blokt chimney! Callin' R Bardet! R Bardet 2 teh spotty cortesi fone!
R Bardet:	I h8 u all!
SD Millar:	Look, see! Teh raec iz in Schnibbleland & teh breakfroupfing iz doomd becoz I, TV's Super D Millar, sa so!
N Boulting:	Schnibbleland! Iz veri… Swiss!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing still haz neerli 2 minits!
M Kitteh-Neo:	[maeks "revvin' a motabiek" gesture] Full gas!
NC Boardman:	O hai! Woz easier in mi da, wen we rode in blak'n'wite! U onli had teh blakbirb, er, blakbord 2 tell u teh gapz!
SD Millar:	Liek I sed, teh breakfroupfing iz not yet doomed!
NC Boardman:	Mite ov bin a mistaek bi M Kitteh-Neo 2 maek motabiek sine! Every1 will ov seed it on teh telly! 'e orter ov passed 'em a noat or sumfink, not via interpretiv danse!
SD Millar:	Look, see! F Frison hav xploded!
F Frison:	I h8 this! I wanna go hoam & pla wif mi piggi!
N Boulting:	T Ineo$! Talented blancmange!
Omnes:	Wot did he jus' sa? & whose that coffin' in teh bakground? Haz 1 ov u got teh Plague?
SD Millar:	TB Xchaeng 2 teh front! Set fings up 4 M Matthews!
N Boulting:	Gud ried bi F Wright! TB Norovirus, er, Notorius Gee-See hoaps fckd wen J Haig goned hoam!
F Wright:	Ent orl d00m & gl00m! I gets a room 2 miself now roffle!
NC Boardman:	Niec rodes in Schnibbleland! They irons 'em evry mornin'!
SD Millar:	Much niecerer'n France!
NC Boardman:	Esp. teh Pyra-Knees, unda teh treez! U c'n nevvah b sure wetha thare's a hoel in front ov u!
N Boulting:	Wind! Kwik, shitverts until that laek goze out ov shot! Eewwwwwww! Laeks!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap T Pinot haz felled off ov hiz biek!
T Pinot:	Piss!
5:	Waaaaaah! Not fair!
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Pinot hav got tangled up inna TT Segwayfreddo noesbag & neerli felled off ov hiz biek agane!
5:	Look where ur going, T Pinot, or mi Daddy will hav u sold 4 medical xperiments!
N Boulting:	F Wright! Hiz dad bort a Panini album & thirty-five (35) pakets ov stickas & teh 1st 1 out ov teh 1st paket woz… F Wright LOL!
SD Millar:
N Boulting:	L Durbridge tiem-trailling on teh front! Doin' damij!
T Pinot:	Yes. 2 me, teh roter!
NC Boardman:	How much tiem teh breakfroupfing nede 2 be saef on teh finle clime!
SD Millar:	I rekn 1 (one) minit!
L Kämna:	Yeah, that's wot I fort yestada 2! Idiots!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing iz still a minit & a 1/2 ahed in spiet ov wot L Durbridge & NV Hooydonck iz donin'!
SD Millar:	Pelican is gettin' strunged out alredi! L Durbridge in gud 4m!
N Boulting:	Pheromonal ried bi L Durbridge!
Omnes:	Sniff! Sniff! C0wz! We smellz c0wz! Get in, F Wright & M Kitteh-Neo! FFS! Not MOAR shitverts!
B Dickinson:	C'n't b c0wz! I'd ov herd them ba-dumm TISH!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing still hav a minit anna bit wif 21 km 2 go! Now u kno az much az we duz!
SD Millar:	Will b decieded on teh finle clime! Becoz I, in mi capaciti az TV's Super D Millar, sa so!
N Boulting:	NV Hooydonck! He's a nanimle! Doned MOAR wurk'n teh breakfroupfing!
SD Millar:	Gettin' nervus! Jockin' 4 posishn in teh pelican! Evry1 wunt 2 b @ teh front @ teh foot ov teh clime!
N Boulting:	Yoicx! Sharp corna wif a trafic iland in teh midle! Slo down teh pelican 4 a bit!
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates hav disappered!
N Boulting:	Eewwww! Laek agane! Maeks it go awa! Plz!
Omnes:	Kepe ur windoze cloesd 2nite, ***! Or teh slimy laek-beesties wif big teefs will nom u 4 thare T!
N Boulting:	Shut! Up! Look, see! M Bjerg hav xploded! Bad 4 TUAE Emirates!
SD Millar:	M Kitteh-Neo runnin' out ov steme! Thare d00md!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Kitteh-Neo hav xploded! F Wright on hiz tod!
Omnes:	Get in, F Wright!
5's Mummy:	Ai agree with the oiks! He seems like a nice polite young man.
F Wright:	fankoomissispoulidorfanshaw! Ooog, this 'urts!
N Boulting:	F Wright on teh clime!
F Wright:	[Looks up] Oh. Piss!
N Boulting:	Oh look! T Pogačar on teh prowl!
SD Millar:	R Majka movin' up 4 T Pogačar!
F Wright:	Arse! I haz bin cort!
Omnes:	Booooooo!
5's Mummy:	Jolly good ride nevertheless, young man!
F Wright:	fankoomissispoulidorfanshaw!
N Boulting:	P Konrad 2 teh front! J Vingegaard on teh weel ov T Pogačar!
SD Millar:	A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian, in teh mix 2!
N Boulting:	WV Aert comin' up!
SD Millar:	C'n't c M Matthews! Yoicx!
M Matthews:	I ATE'NT DED!
N Boulting:	P Konrad! Still @ teh front! Wowsa! Look, see! B McNulty comin' up 2 help R Majka!
R Majka:	I got this, son!
N Boulting:	Gud thing 2, coz B McNulty hav xploded!
SD Millar:	Sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE!
N Boulting:	M Matthews! T Pogačar!
WV Aert:	\o/ w00t!
Bethany (12):	Tole u!
M Matthews:	Piss!
T Pogačar:	MOAR tiem bonerfications 4 me & not 4 u, J Vingegaard LOL!
J Vingegaard:	Arse!
	[…]
G Imlach:	WV Aert seme 2 haz a stranglhole on teh snottyjumper now, but no chaeng in teh Top 10 (Ten)!
WV Aert:	Soopa happi! Mani mani snottypoints! Tuff finnish but I kno I c'n pwn teh staeg iffen I sta on T Pogačar's weel! & no, I ent thinkin' 'bout teh Olympix!
M Matthews:	That suckt! Esp. coz Mrs M Matthews iz 'ere 2da!
NC Boardman:	I rekn M Matthews goned 2 erli!
TP Kennaugh:	Probli dint matta wen ur up aganst WV Aert! He pwned teh Chomps-Elizy, teh tiem-trail & teh iconic Von-2 last yere, rememba!
T Pelican:	We's still tryna 4get, teh horble GIT!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Wile we wate 4 teh presentashns, here's teh spottytable: WV Aert haz MOAR'n 2 staeg pwns in hand @ teh end ov teh 1st weke! We sent ect!
D Friebe:	O hai, Alfred Brockwell Wright!
F Wright:	O hai, an' iffen u corl me that agane I will kill u utterly to DETH!
D Friebe:	Gr8 ried & rewarded bi not gettin' teh Combativité, wot they gaev 2 M Kitteh-Neo insted!
F Wright:	Gits! Mus' b coz I's BRITISH innit! Still, woz type 2 phun!
G Imlach:	Bastids! Wnkrs!
EO Aquitaine:	Doan geddit M Kitteh-Neo ent French!

TdF 2022-07-09: Grizzly bear losing a piece of bread in a cheese fondue by Mr Larrington, on Flickr

spesh · « **Reply #57 on:** 09 July, 2022, 06:13:33 pm »

Quote from: Mr Larrington on 09 July, 2022, 05:39:07 pm

Stage 8: Dole -> Lausanne - Special 12" Extended Disco Edition With Extra Cowbells By B Dickinson

(click to show/hide)
[…]
N Boulting: Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd!
Bethany (12): No chaeng thare then!
N Boulting: G Moscon! He's goned hoam!
Bethany (12): DKUATB, ***!
N Boulting: Tipt 2 b teh nxt Italian 2 pwn a Grantour bi I Basso!
ÉTF Gesbert: He's still a dickhead, thobut!
K Reza: & a racist!
Bethany (12): Rite, 'e's in trub teh da afta I lede teh Panzers down Witehall! Teh Reëdukashn Camps bekn, G Moscon!
N Boulting: T Astana!
SD Millar: R they aktuli in teh raec this yere LOL?
N Boulting: T Pogačar! 'e look… relaxed!
SD Millar: Relaxed!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]: Relaxed!
N Boulting: CJ Jensen! He redes… BOOKS! Floss! He red Plate-O on teh Tirreno–Adriatico!
G Martin: Bof! I rites boks about floss!
QF Maillet: [Waevs out ov teh windo ov teh Prudmobile] O hai!
Omnes: Who r u?
QF Maillet: A dubble Olympix champ @ teh biathlon, innit!
Omnes: Oh. Rite…
SD Millar: I hart biathlon!
Omnes: Chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh probli finks biathlon iz liek triathlon wifout swimmin' LOL!
TP Kennaugh: I h8 u all!
[…]
N Boulting: Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing hav reached teh next spottyclime, wif 2 (two) minits lede! We sent chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh 2 recki teh finnish!
TP Kennaugh: Puff… gasp… stepe… aaargh! [Dies]
N Boulting: Look, see! Le Fort de Rousses! Part-pwned bi teh cheezmakas! Teh sellas iz full ov… CHEEZ!
SD Millar: I ent much ov a cheez person, me!
EO Aquitaine: Chilled red wine? Doan liek cheez? Get! Out! Ov! Mi! Cuntri! U! Heathn!
SD Millar: Soz, ur Maj!
Omnes: Super D had hiz taist budz shot off in teh wor!
N Boulting: Look, see! Bethany's Da… R Urán gettin' hiz arm repared!
SD Millar: Smart! Duz it onna clime wen he c'n hold on2 teh dokta's car!
R Urán: Taek ur tiem, doc! Wanna haz a look @ mi otha elbo wen ur dun? & mi legses? & did I menshn I's havin' trubble sleepin'?
Omnes: We c'n c ware Bethany (12) gets teh sneeki from LOL!
N Boulting: Hot wetha comin'!
SD Millar: Will, er, slo teh raec down!
N Boulting: Shaem teh rid0rz dunt stop & jump mob-handid in2 teh c these das!
SD Millar: I rekn teh breakfroupfing iz pla wif teh pelican!
N Boulting: A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian! Looks uncomftabl!
SD Millar: Yes. Yes, he duz. 2nd da afta a crash iz teh wurst! NV Hooydonk! 'e's bin enormus 2da!
NV Hooydonck: I h8 this! C'n I stop now?
J Vingegaard: Wurk! U! Doggo!
[…]
N Boulting: Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh gap iz down 2 just ova a minit!
Omnes: Wud b a larf iffen teh Schnibble Borda4ce held teh hole raec up just 2 annoy teh Quitlers LOL!
N Fartrage: Thass treezn! U shud orl be shot, an' hanged, an'…
Omnes: Bak in ur pond, frog-faec!
B Dickinson: I's lovin' this staeg! Orl them cowbellz! Rekn I's gonna kepe watchin' insted ov goin' out 2 pla wif Madness!
Omnes: Lotta smoak bak thare! Sumwun's gotta blokt chimney! Callin' R Bardet! R Bardet 2 teh spotty cortesi fone!
R Bardet: I h8 u all!
SD Millar: Look, see! Teh raec iz in Schnibbleland & teh breakfroupfing iz doomd becoz I, TV's Super D Millar, sa so!
N Boulting: Schnibbleland! Iz veri… Swiss!
[…]
N Boulting: Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing still haz neerli 2 minits!
M Kitteh-Neo: [maeks "revvin' a motabiek" gesture] Full gas!
NC Boardman: O hai! Woz easier in mi da, wen we rode in blak'n'wite! U onli had teh blakbirb, er, blakbord 2 tell u teh gapz!
SD Millar: Liek I sed, teh breakfroupfing iz not yet doomed!
NC Boardman: Mite ov bin a mistaek bi M Kitteh-Neo 2 maek motabiek sine! Every1 will ov seed it on teh telly! 'e orter ov passed 'em a noat or sumfink, not via interpretiv danse!
SD Millar: Look, see! F Frison hav xploded!
F Frison: I h8 this! I wanna go hoam & pla wif mi piggi!
N Boulting: T Ineo$! Talented blancmange!
Omnes: Wot did he jus' sa? & whose that coffin' in teh bakground? Haz 1 ov u got teh Plague?
SD Millar: TB Xchaeng 2 teh front! Set fings up 4 M Matthews!
N Boulting: Gud ried bi F Wright! TB Norovirus, er, Notorius Gee-See hoaps fckd wen J Haig goned hoam!
F Wright: Ent orl d00m & gl00m! I gets a room 2 miself now roffle!
NC Boardman: Niec rodes in Schnibbleland! They irons 'em evry mornin'!
SD Millar: Much niecerer'n France!
NC Boardman: Esp. teh Pyra-Knees, unda tdh treez! U c'n nevvah b sure wetha thare's a hoel in front ov u!
N Boulting: Wind! Kwik, shitverts until that laek goze out ov shot! Eewwwwwww! Laeks!
[…]
N Boulting: Wile u woz bein' sold crap T Pinot haz felled off ov hiz biek!
T Pinot: Piss!
5: Waaaaaah! Not fair!
N Boulting: Look, see! T Pinot hav got tangled up inna TT Segwayfreddo noesbag & neerli felled off ov hiz biek agane!
5: Look where ur going, T Pinot, or mi Daddy will hav u sold 4 medical xperiments!
N Boulting: F Wright! Hiz dad bort a Panini album & thirty-five (35) pakets ov stickas & teh 1st 1 out ov teh 1st paket woz… F Wright LOL!
SD Millar:
N Boulting: L Durbridge tiem-trailling on teh front! Doin' damij!
T Pinot: Yes. 2 me, teh roter!
NC Boardman: How much tiem teh breakfroupfing nede 2 be saef on teh finle clime!
SD Millar: I rekn 1 (one) minit!
L Kämna: Yeah, that's wot I fort yestada 2! Idiots!
[…]
N Boulting: Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing iz still a minit & a 1/2 ahed in spiet ov wot L Durbridge & NV Hooydonck iz donin'!
SD Millar: Pelican is gettin' strunged out alredi! L Durbridge in gud 4m!
N Boulting: Pheromonal ried bi L Durbridge!
Omnes: Sniff! Sniff! C0wz! We smellz c0wz! Get in, F Wright & M Kitteh-Neo! FFS! Not MOAR shitverts!
B Dickinson: C'n't b c0wz! I'd ov herd them ba-dumm TISH!
[…]
N Boulting: Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing still hav a minit anna bit wif 21 km 2 go! Now u kno az much az we duz!
SD Millar: Will b decieded on teh finle clime! Becoz I, in mi capaciti az TV's Super D Millar, sa so!
N Boulting: NV Hooydonck! He's a nanimle! Doned MOAR wurk'n teh breakfroupfing!
SD Millar: Gettin' nervus! Jockin' 4 posishn in teh pelican! Evry1 wunt 2 b @ teh front @ teh foot ov teh clime!
N Boulting: Yoicx! Sharp corna wif a trafic iland in teh midle! Slo down teh pelican 4 a bit!
SD Millar: TUAE Emirates hav disappered!
N Boulting: Eewwww! Laek agane! Maeks it go awa! Plz!
Omnes: Kepe ur windoze cloesd 2nite, ***! Or teh slimy laek-beesties wif big teefs will nom u 4 thare T!
N Boulting: Shut! Up! Look, see! M Bjerg hav xploded! Bad 4 TUAE Emirates!
SD Millar: M Kitteh-Neo runnin' out ov steme! Thare d00md!
N Boulting: Look, see! M Kitteh-Neo hav xploded! F Wright on hiz tod!
Omnes: Get in, F Wright!
5's Mummy: Ai agree with the oiks! He seems like a nice polite young man.
F Wright: fankoomissispoulidorfanshaw! Ooog, this 'urts!
N Boulting: F Wright on teh clime!
F Wright: [Looks up] Oh. Piss!
N Boulting: Oh look! T Pogačar on teh prowl!
SD Millar: R Majka movin' up 4 T Pogačar!
F Wright: Arse! I haz bin cort!
Omnes: Booooooo!
5's Mummy: Jolly good ride nevertheless, young man!
F Wright: fankoomissispoulidorfanshaw!
N Boulting: P Konrad 2 teh front! J Vingegaard on teh weel ov T Pogačar!
SD Millar: A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian, in teh mix 2!
N Boulting: WV Aert comin' up!
SD Millar: C'n't c M Matthews! Yoicx!
M Matthews: I ATE'NT DED!
N Boulting: P Konrad! Still @ teh front! Wowsa! Look, see! B McNulty comin' up 2 help R Majka!
R Majka: I got this, son!
N Boulting: Gud thing 2, coz B McNulty hav xploded!
SD Millar: Sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE!
N Boulting: M Matthews! T Pogačar!
WV Aert: \o/ w00t!
Bethany (12): Tole u!
M Matthews: Piss!
T Pogačar: MOAR tiem bonerfications 4 me & not 4 u, J Vingegaard LOL!
J Vingegaard: Arse!
[…]
G Imlach: WV Aert seme 2 haz a stranglhole on teh snottyjumper now, but no chaeng in teh Top 10 (Ten)!
WV Aert: Soopa happi! Mani mani snottypoints! Tuff finnish but I kno I c'n pwn teh staeg iffen I sta on T Pogačar's weel! & no, I ent thinkin' 'bout teh Olympix!
M Matthews: That suckt! Esp. coz Mrs M Matthews iz 'ere 2da!
NC Boardman: I rekn M Matthews goned 2 erli!
TP Kennaugh: Probli dint matta wen ur up aganst WV Aert! He pwned teh Chomps-Elizy, teh tiem-trail & teh iconic Von-2 last yere, rememba!
T Pelican: We's still tryna 4get, teh horble GIT!
[…]
G Imlach: Wile we wate 4 teh presentashns, here's teh spottytable: WV Aert haz MOAR'n 2 staeg pwns in hand @ teh end ov teh 1st weke! We sent ect!
D Friebe: O hai, Alfred Brockwell Wright!
F Wright: O hai, an' iffen u corl me that agane I will kill u utterly to DETH!
D Friebe: Gr8 ried & rewarded bi not gettin' teh Combativité, wot they gaev 2 M Kitteh-Neo insted!
F Wright: Gits! Mus' b coz I's BRITISH innit! Still, woz type 2 phun!
G Imlach: Bastids! Wnkrs!
EO Aquitaine: Doan geddit M Kitteh-Neo ent French!

TdF 2022-07-09: Grizzly bear losing a piece of bread in a cheese fondue by Mr Larrington, on Flickr

Fortunately for teh BEAR, I don't think anyone would dare ask him to pay a forfeit.

https://www.omgbeaupeep.com/comics/Asterix/016/20/

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #58 on:** 09 July, 2022, 06:15:01 pm »

That ^^^^ was where the idea came from, about forty years ago

spesh · « **Reply #59 on:** 09 July, 2022, 06:26:03 pm »

I'd thought as much, but there's no guarantee that the rest of the forum are so well-read.

Pingu · « **Reply #60 on:** 09 July, 2022, 11:18:48 pm »

Not only but also ironing the roads

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #61 on:** 09 July, 2022, 11:34:31 pm »

If you put “ironing the roads Switzerland” into a FWSE you just get a load of guff about Via Ferrata. And a laundry service in Little Baddow

The Swiss ironing the roads was something I thought I made up this afternoon, because it just seemed, well, so very Swiss but I dare say I ent the first to think of it.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #62 on:** 10 July, 2022, 02:16:16 pm »

Bethany’s Da… R Urán in the virtual shinyjumper! What's that all about?

Beardy · « **Reply #63 on:** 10 July, 2022, 03:05:17 pm »

I keep reading Bob Jungels as Bo Jangles

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #64 on:** 10 July, 2022, 04:05:20 pm »

TV's Super D Millar keeps calling him “Bob Jungles”, which grates.

Additional: If TV's Super D Millar doesn’t make up his mind about UAE soon I'm going to pop over to France and kill him. 2 DETH. First they’re completely and utterly shit and fifteen minutes later they've controlled the stage perfectly from the start.

Beardy · « **Reply #65 on:** 10 July, 2022, 04:41:18 pm »

I can’t actually hear him because I’m not a allowed to have the TV up that loud, so I only get the subbies which are almost as shit as the shitverts.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #66 on:** 10 July, 2022, 05:49:24 pm »

Stage 9: Aigle -> Châtel Les Portes Du Soleil - Part 1

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & wot betta wa 2 round off teh 1st weke ov teh LOLapalooza ov rofflez that iz teh Tour ov France wen presented bi me, TV's G Imlach, than gettin' out ov Schnibbleland & bak in2 France, ware teh raec blong! Ova sum mirthsum mntns!
Omnes:	Did TV's *** Boulting gaze long in2 a abbess until teh slimy monstas wif big teefs et him up?
G Imlach:	No. No, this did not hapn.
EC Boardman:	Pitty… Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
N Boulting:	I still had nitemaerz about 'em tho, u horble gits!
Omnes:	Nevvah min', ***, 2moz iz ur birfda & teh rest da, so u c'n drink 2 4get LOL!
N Boulting:	I h8 u all!
G Imlach:	So 2 teh gr8 surpriez ov teh hole P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz^TM® teme, WV Aert doned it agane yesterda, wot no-1 predicted!
Bethany (12):	I predicted it! Unliek for e.g. TV's Super D Millar wot insisted teh staeg wud b pwned bi a rid0r from teh breakfroupfing!
G Imlach:	R thare meeces in hear 2?
5's Mummy:	Ai warned you, G Imlach! Stop being horrid to poor Bethany (12)!
G Imlach:	sozmissispoulidorfanshaw…
5's Mummy:	[Taps foot] Ai'm waiting…
Omnes:	Them shooz gievs us teh horn! PHWOOAAR!!1!
5's Mummy:	You revolting creatures! Ai may have to cease my support ov this enterprise completely if you do not ameliorate your behaviour!
G Imlach:	sozbethany(12) 2
5's Mummy:	Ai suppose that is the best Ai could hope for. Sigh!
G Imlach:	We haz teh hole staeg agane 2da…
Omnes:	Depe joi!
G Imlach:	…wich Ickle Miss Smartinickas will now tell us about, yes?
Bethany (12):	[Smiels sweteli] 193 km, offishuli a "mntn" staeg, altho teh 1 2 Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz wuz 1 o they 2. Look, see! I haz a map! [Indic8s map] Here! Starts in Aigle, wot is teh hoam ov teh You-See-Eye, then goze along teh laek b4 a 4th cat clime. *** will not c this bit coz he'll be hidin' bhind teh sofa LOL. Then iz teh snottysprint follod bi 1 (1) 2nd cat clime anna 1st cat 1 b4 teh rid0rz go back 2 Aigle. MOAR lumpi bitz b4 anuvver 1st cat, descant bak in2 teh France & set teh controlez 4 teh Portes du Soleil! Teh finnish ent a classificated clime but iz still uphill. Wud suit rid0rz wot sine thare corrspondunse "T Pogačar" but iffen not 'im…
Omnes:	Nevvah had u down az a Pink Floyd fangrrl, Bethany (12)!
Bethany (12):	Blaem mi hipi nana!
G Imlach:	Nevvah min' teh root, u, wot's gonna hapn, eh? EH?!?!?
Bethany (12):	4 sure MC Nielsen rekn he's gonna loose teh spottyjumper 2da, but I doan fink 'e's bovvered…
MC Nielsen:	Ur rite, young lade! I ent! P.S. Who r u?
Bethany (12):	…& iz too lumpi 4 teh flatland0rz liek D Groaningwagon & C Ewan 2 ov got out ov Schnibbleland b4 teh lead0rz'v finnisht. Cud be a breakfroupfing wif climers wot ent a fret on Gee-See liek ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana, mi Da… R Urán, M Woods eh, S Kuss iffen TJ Visma let 'im out 2 pla ect. Iffen this woz last yere u'd put a outsied bet on S Colbrelli, but 'e ent 'ere coz 'e neerli died 2 DETH afta a hart assault attack on teh Volta ov Kitteh-loonya! GWS, S Colbrelli!
S Colbrelli [via fax]:	Graz… &… Woh… j… o…?
Bethany (12):	But this tenna wot I jus' nickt out ov ~~mi mum's SEEKRIT b00ze fund~~ teh howsekeepin' munny sez big breakfroupfing out front erli on wif sum strong rid0rz. In it. U c'n't discount WV Aert onna staeg liek this but I rekn sumwun wot's alredi showed gud 4m this weke cud get it. Sumwun liek B Jungels, P Konrad, S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard ect ect. Outsied bet: T Pinot 2 finali waek up.
G Imlach:	Hahahahahaha! Ur so rong u cudn't find a root 2 "Rite" from thare evn wif a militry-graed Gee-Pee-Ess!
Bethany (12):	Wanna bet?
G Imlach:	Yes. Yes, I duz! [Slaps £10 noat on desk] Thare! Hah!
Bethany (12):	NC Boardman, I trusts u 2 look afta that 4 me till I c'n claem it in persn LOL!
Omnes:	Jus' maek sure that iz Niec C Boardman, not Evil C Boardman!
EC Boardman:	Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh ye… no, iz mi horble goodi-goodi twin, who iz uterly wet & a weed!
Omnes:	Iffen this iz gonna turn in2 anuvver discushn ov Gaem Theori we's gonna watch teh tenis tennee insted. In teh Pubbe!
TP Kennaugh:	I looks afta teh tenna, 2 avoyd confuzhn!
Omnes:	Well, doan go buyin' ne bridges off ov ne-1 wot tork liek B McNulty!
TP Kennaugh:	I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Omnes:	& annuver fing! Y ent *** bin pluggin' townz on teh parcours sinse we left teh Denmark, eh? EH?!?!?
E Macrobe:	C'est interdit, hein! En vertu des nouvelles lois anti-corruption, les maires peuvent écoper de six mois de prison et/ou d'une amende pouvant aller jusqu'à €10,000¹!
Omnes:	We're in Schnibbleland!
E Macrobe:	Les Suisses sont encore plus stricts. De plus, personne ne veut partir en vacances en Suisse de toute façon! Sauf s'ils vont skier ou tomber des montagnes!
Omnes:	Onoz! Le pauvre ***, wif teh accent on "pauvre" roffle!
G Imlach:	Enuff ov ur ga bants, M Macrobe! Il y a un biek raec [points] là bas! Aux Sheds colemantaire!
Omnes:	Hat! Hat! Super D Millar hav teh wanky basebollock hat again! & * hav a tray ov chips on teh desk, so u must b in teh Mess, ware ur supposed 2 taek ur hat off**, u ignurunt pezant! & ur warin' teh saem T-shaepd shirt az teh last tiem u wuz on cammera! We hoap iz bin washt, & not in T Piddlcock's washy-maschiney eevah! Wnkr!
N Boulting:	Look, see! I haz a statoo-ett ov Teh Ickle Mermade wot I bort in Copenhague! Ur thorts on teh Tour ov France, Super D?
SD Millar:	Denmark… WV Aert… favrits… T Pogačar… TUAE Emirates… WV Aert!
Omnes:	Ent u s'posed 2 do teh sumari on teh rest da sho, Super D?
SD Millar:	I h8 u all! WV Aert!
N Boulting:	WV Aert! He cud pwn teh staeg 2da!
SD Millar:	He cud @ that! WV Aert!
N Boulting & Super D Millar [in stereo]:	WV Aert!
Bethany (12):
	[…]
N Boulting:	Le Roi C Prudhomme I hav not yet waevd hiz fleg so 0 hav hapnd. K Asgreen hurted hiz k-nee in teh Tour ov Schnibbleland & haz goned hoam. R Guerreiro haz teh not-Coronalurgi, & haz also goned hoam. & G Martin haz teh Coronalurgi, so he 2 haz goned hoam. We r a Martin-free raec unless u inclued D Martinez wich I 4 1 do not! We sent ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, R Bardet!
R Bardet:	O hai!
D Friebe:	U ried 4 T DSM wot dunt liek 2 chaeng thare planz! Haz they chaengd thare planz?
R Bardet:	4 sure we caem 2 teh Tour ov France 2 pwn teh staegs! Teh 1st weke haz bin soopa hard full gas & T Pogačar iz gonna pwn teh raec, so now we targit teh staeg pwns!
D Friebe:	Bein' shuvd up teh chimney iz wa 2 kind a fete 4 him!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Laek Jenever! [Shuddas] Wind! No sine ov Le Roi C Prudh… o wate, thare he iz!
C Prudhomme:	[Waevs fleg] Put a eggses in ur shooz & bete it, u infeasible bumbaclarts!
N Boulting:	Q Simian… M Cherel… P Gilbert… C Froome! Wate… WOT?!?!? C Froome tryna get inna breakfroupfing? W? T? F?
SD Millar:	MC Nielsen! P Rolland, teh French Frenchman wif teh French naem! Oh. They haz bin cort.
	[Much tittin' about tryna get in2 a breakfroupfing]
D Friebe:	O hai, T Wellens!
T Wellens:	O hai!
D Friebe:	Ur unkle pwned a staeg round 'ere, yes!
T Wellens:	I did not kno this! 4 sure we perhaps mayb target teh spottyjumper!
D Friebe:
N Boulting:	Look, see! Pore ~~ded~~ BO Connor dropt alredi!
SD Millar:	Teh Mgt orter tell 'im 2 pack it in!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh Rhône! Onli it ent teh Rhône wot flo in2 teh c @ teh Bouches du Rhône!
Omnes:	Oh! Yes! It! Iz!
N Boulting:	I, er, we sent…
D Friebe:	O hai G Thomas!
G Thomas:	O hai!
D Friebe:	U streik 2da?
G Thomas:	We will c! TJ Visma r strong. TUAE Emirates r also strong. 4 sure thare iz a long wa 2 go!
D Friebe:	Teh finle clime 2da?
G Thomas:	Dunt look 2 bad but we will c! 4 sure it haz bin soopa hard teh hole weke!
D Friebe:	[Bursts in2 teers]
N Boulting:	Look, see! A swimmin' pool!
SD Millar:	& a sertified tit on teh divin' bord! Jump! Jump, u fcka! Ur on teh telly! Jump! Awwwwww! He dint jump!
N Boulting:	M Pedersen assault attack! We…
D Friebe:	O hai, G Benne… oh, fck this 4 a gaem ov soljas! I's off 2 teh pubbe! [Ova shoulda] Criket!
G Bennett:	No, wate! Coem bak! Sivin pingwins iggs!
SD Millar:	Look, see! F Mercury! Montreux!
N Boulting:	[Sings] Smoooooooooke on teh water! A fier in teh $ky!!1!
Omnes:	N Boulting: 2 hevvi met'l singin' wot chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh iz 2 rockit surgeri!
N Boulting:	I h8 u all!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap, er, sumfink hapnd but then it un-hapnd! & thare woz a chute feat. N Pooless & M Woods eh! We…
D Friebe:	No! I ent gonna tork 2 P Roglič, or ne-1 else!
P Roglič:	Helo? Ne-1 thare?
N Boulting:	[Observing cloes-up ov M Woods eh] Ouch! He woz wif N Pooless an' now he ent! C Ewan, teh hoamsick rok, hav bin visited bi teh Pnctr* Fairy jus' az we's gettin' 2 teh 1st clime!
SD Millar:	M Woods eh look liek he's in orl sortsa trub eh! Soon teh 'lastic will b0rk! I, TV's Super D Millar, sa so! But no-1 will assault attack b4 teh spottyclime…
M Pedersen:	I haz anuvver go!
SD Millar:	Arse!
N Boulting:	Wind! Blo down vallis! Unpredictabl! Ooh, iz teh spottyclime!
SD Millar:	No gap 4md yet! Ent a diff clime but enuff 2 maek a diffrunse!
N Boulting:	Iz this a breakfroupfing I c b4 me?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe! No descant afta this clime eevah! Thare onna platto insted.
J Castroviejo:	\o/ Spottypwn!
MC Nielsen:	Kepe it up, u lot LOL!
SD Millar:	M Soler haz bin shat out ov teh pelican's fethery arse! Wowsa!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd!
SD Millar:	M Hirschi iz out ov teh pelican's fethery bod 2! Iz v bad 4 T Pogačar in jenrul & TUAE Emirates in particla!
N Boulting:	~~Look, see~~ Lissen, here! 'tis Bethany (12)!
Bethany (12):	O hai! T Pinot! Kwestions haz bin aksed about hiz loyalti 2 D Gaudu, u kno, & oooh, a breakfroupfing seme finali 2 hav 4md!
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates tryna shut it down coz 1/2 thare teme iz off ov teh bak! But iz big froup. 2 big 2 naem 'em orl but W Barguil & Bethany's Da… R Urán r both in it!
Bethany (12):	Fck! Yeah! Oopsy!
TP Kennaugh:	O hai! P'raps teh otha Gee-See temes will taek this oppatuniti 2 assault attack TUAE Emirates wile thare on teh bak foot!
SD Millar:	Yes. Yes, they will.
TP Kennaugh:	Niec 2 c Bethany's Da… R Urán in teh breakfroupfing! 'bout tiem sumfink goned hiz wa!
Bethany (12):	Kepe it up, Tiny P. Ur a natrul LOL!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	Wile u woz bein' sold crap M Woods eh haz goned 2 c teh dokta & we's approchin' teh snottysprint, wot WV Aert mite not b in, coz 'e's in teh 2nd froup wot iz 25" seconds bhind teh lead0rz!
TP Kennaugh:	Hold on a sec, Bethany (12)! Teh froup WV Aert iz catchin' up!
Bethany (12):	Good spot, Tiny P! WV Aert ent watin' 4 teh rest ov 'em, thobut! Look, see! 'e's joined teh lead0rz! 'e's a bit handi, innit!
TP Kennaugh:	2 froups togetha now. 21 (twenty-1) rid0rz!
LL Sanchez:	C me…
WV Aert:	Don't. Or I'll kill u. 2 DETH.
LL Sanchez:	Onli joakin', FFS
WV Aert:	\o/ Snottypwn!
Bethany (12):	Look, see! Crazy P Sagan! 4ma Snottyking now fetchin' botles!
TP Kennaugh:	CP Sagan useta assault attack on teh lumpi staegs 2 c off teh pure sprint0rz…
Bethany (12):	…but u c'n't do that wen WV Aert's aroun' coz 'e c'n sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE & clime teh big mntns 2 & chiz curses wot am I sain'? I's startin' 2 sound liek *** & Super D!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	I jus' stuk mi hed unda teh col' tap 2 rince teh fanboiïzm out ov mi hed-branez!
TP Kennaugh:	Wile we wuz consentr8in' on WV Aert, let us not 4get ur Da… R Urán! Stelfi!
Bethany (12):	Modesti 4bidz… Look, see! TUAE Emirates r on teh tip ov teh pelican's mitey beek!
TP Kennaugh:	They ent ne-thing liek az organiz8d az T Ineo$ thobut! They's bin @ it 4 yeres!
Bethany (12):	M Hirschi! L8 sub 4 M Trentin. Mite TUAE Emirates b savin' him 4 teh latté staegs ov teh raec or iz he jus' shit agane this yere?
TP Kennaugh:	Wud b danjerus 2 do that. They ent got teh strengf in depf liek TJ Visma c'n do wif S Kuss. So 'e's probli shit!
M Hirschi:	[@ teh front ov teh pelican] Fck! Off! U! Chirpi! Manx! Idiot!
Bethany (12):	O hai, NC Boardman! OK, Tiny P, u c'n fck off now! Gr8 breakfroupfing, no, Niec C?
NC Boardman:	Sho iz! Look, see! B Cosnefroy weel chaeng!
Bethany (12):	DV Baarle 2! Haz sum tw@ left tintax on teh rode agane, or iz it jus' teh Pnctr* Fairy bein' a tit?
TP Kennaugh:	I, er, I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
	[…]
N Boulting:	I'm baaaaack! Super D iz in hiz hamock & dremin' ov SW1. Bethany (12) haz goned off 2 teh P-Fs 4 lunch. 1 da…
5's Mummy:	In your dreams, *** Boulting. You would have to learn how to use a knife and fork for a start!
Omnes:	Wunt sum oinkment 4 that burn, ***?
N Boulting:	I h8 u all!
NC Boardman:	Look, see! Bethany's Da… R Urán iz on teh virtual podium!
Bethany (12):	Ya… soz, Syrah! Dint mene 2 tork wif mi mouf fu…
Omnes:	Birb! Birb! ***!
N Boulting:	Blah blah blah T Ineo$ blah P Roglič blah blah M Hirschi…
NC Boardman:	Red kite.
N Boulting:	Biek chaeng 4 A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian! Teh mekanik c'n't fix it by fiddlin' wif 'is rear disraeli!
NC Boardman:	Elf'n'safeti? They's herd ov it!
N Boulting:	Tho how they c'n fix hiz biek wen iz on top ov teh car…
NC Boardman:	Thare's an app 4 that!
N Boulting:	I cut mi finga on teh wa 2 teh colemantary Sheds 2da!
NC Boardman:	Did u fill in teh Elf'n'safeti 4m?
N Boulting:	No. I runned in2 a soopamarkit…
NC Boardman:	That mus' ov hurt!
Omnes:	Give it up, ***, Niec C's on fier 2da LOL!
N Boulting:	[pressin' on irregardless] & put a plasta on it wen I got 2 teh Sheds! Look, see! Bethany's Da… neerli in teh virtual shinyjumper!
Bethany (12):	Not now! I's eatin'!
TP Kennaugh:	So's I! Well, inna bit! Bai!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Pelican orl strung out!
SD Millar:	Useta h8 it wen that hapnd! Noware 2 hied!
B Dickinson:	w00t! MOAR cowbell akshn
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates makin' big ef4t &…
NC Boardman:	…thare still loosin' tiem!
N Boulting:	Look, see! A House ov Cheez! We et loadsa cheez last nite!
SD Millar:	Xept me!
N Boulting:	Teh hole town caem out 2 chere r trux!
NC Boardman:	Wot a holida, eh! Come on, kidz, let's go chere sum trux in teh midle ov teh nite!
SD Millar:	I woz out erli 2da. Loads peops in slepein bagz @ teh rodesied!
NC Boardman:	Gud xcuse 2 drink inna lay-by!
N Boulting:	[Helpless laarrffta]
SD Millar:	Bethany's Da… R Urán! C'n't misundaestim8 'im!
N Boulting:	Virtual shinyjumper!
N Boulting:	WV Aert!
SD Millar:	WV Aert!
NC Boardman:	I rekn 'e's njoin' this!
SD Millar:	T Pogačar sed yestada "Iz a gaem". Gaem theo…
N Boulting:	Kwik! Shitverts!
	[…]
N Boulting:	[MOAR helpless laarrffta] Shut up, Niec C!
SD Millar:	M Bjerg! Mitey @ teh front ov teh pelican!
M Bjerg:	I h8 this! C'n I stop now?
T Pogačar:	No. Iffen Bethany's Da… R Urán pwn teh shinyjumper iz orl ur folt!
T Ineo$ & TJ Visma [in stereo]:	Well, doan xpekt us 2 help LOL!
SD Millar:	M Soler 2 teh front!
N Boulting:	Ent Schnibbleland gr8!
SD Millar:	Yes. Yes, it iz.
NC Boardman:	Top tarmac!
SD Millar:	Raec soopa hard 2da! Grupetto 4m alredi, or it will wen we get 2 teh top ov this clime! & iz onli a cat 2 (two) 2!
P Latour:	\o/ Spottypwn! I's comin' 4 u, MC Nielsen!
N Boulting:	Sum websiet publisht teh munny pwned bi teh temes so fa! TJ Visma haz sumfink liek €79000. `T AS-TA-NA` haz… 300! LOL!
`T AS-TA-NA`:	`FCK! OFF!`

Or it cud b that we @ P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz^TM® just 4got…

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #67 on:** 10 July, 2022, 05:49:48 pm »

Stage 9: Aigle -> Châtel Les Portes Du Soleil - Radio Edit Wif MOAR Cowbell

(click to show/hide)

N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh gap iz still 3 1/2 minits & we's approachin' teh 1st proppa mntn!
C Lion:	Check out that bridge!

N Boulting:	Bethany's Da… R Urán!
SD Millar:	Bethany's Da… R Urán!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	Bethany's Da… R Urán!
Bethany (12):	Thass MOAR liek i… oooh! Pudden!
C Lion:	Another bridge!

N Boulting:	U wudn't get me up thare! Oh no!
Omnes:	1st teh laeks & now this? Ur a wuss! Teh laek monstas iz comin' 4 u, ***! Ova a hi bridge roffle!
N Boulting:	I h8 u all!
B Dickinson:	Anuvver gr8 cowbell da!
N Boulting:	Thare on teh clime! B Jungels 2 teh front, wile M Woods eh iz in orl sortsa trub!
SD Millar:	BO Connor also! Look, see! He wunt 2 go hoam!
TAG2R Citron:	Ried, u scum! We pade a lot ov munny 4 u!
BO Connor:
SD Millar:	Pelican @ teh bottom ov teh clime! Gap less'n three (3) minits! & M Bjerg haz xploded!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh breakfroupfing iz loosin' rid0rz! N Politt! J Stuyven! Y Bethany's Da… R Urán not taek control?
SD Millar:	He's lurkin'! That's wot 'e duz! 'e lurks!
R Urán:	[Lurks]
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap M Soler iz on teh front ov teh pelican & teh breakfroupfing haz less'n 2 1/2 minits. Now u kno az much az we duz.
SD Millar:	MC Nielsen will probli loose teh spottyjumper ne minit now!
N Boulting:	Funneh ol' spottycomp! All them 4th cat climes wot woz orl pwned bi MC Nielsen!
WV Aert:	Almost all, u mene!
N Boulting:	I, um, B Cosnefroy hav xploded! F Bonnamour! G Niv 2! B Jungels ent, thobut! Solo 2 teh top?
SD Millar:	B Jungels hav pwned Liège-Bastard-Liège b4 he got ill, rememba!
S Geschke:	C me & mi hipsta beard maek chaes ov B Jungels!
B Jungels:	Onoz! Dropt mi jel & now I haz bin cort bi S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
WV Aert:	I ent fussed!
R Urán:	Nor me!
S Geschke:	\o/ Spottypwn 4 me & mi hipsta beard! I haz, at teh moment @ leest, teh spottyjumper also!
SD Millar:	Menewile, T Pogačar iz runnin' out ov teme-maetz!
Omnes:	Evry da u sa how shit TUAE Emirates iz & evry da T Pogačar iz increesin' his lede! Div!
SD Millar:
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap B Jungels dropt S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard on teh descant!
Omnes:	Crivvens! B Jungels doin' 90 km/h btwene them houses! Nutta!
SD Millar:	Remnants ov teh pelican moppin' up teh dropouts from teh breakfroupfing, wot they iz catchin'! B McNulty in teh breakfroupfing but will taek ova from M Soler wen they gets cort. Perfick tictacs bi TUAE Emirates!
Omnes:	15 minits ago u woz sayin' how shit they r! Maek ur mind up!
SD Millar:	I, er, um, no ideer ware S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard hav got 2!
N Boulting:	Wowsa! B Jungels iz murderin' this descant!
SD Millar:	Look liek teh breakfroupfing haz givn up hoap! No MOAR shinyjumper 4 Bethany's Da… R Urán!
Bethany (12):	U! Shut! Ur! Gob! S! D! Millar!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap B Jungels iz on teh flat wif MOAR'n a minit, & teh breakfroupfing ent bin cort!
SD Millar:	They ent gonna sta out 4 long thobut!
N Boulting:	Afta teh next 1st cat thare's a descant b4 teh clime 2 teh finnish. We sent ect…
TP Kennaugh:	Ooog… urrgh… puff… snort… Iffen u haz a minit ova teh last proppa clime ur well in… [Dies]
N Boulting:	I jus' seed S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard in teh breakfroupfing so 'e's gotta kepe goin' or else B Jungels will rob teh spottyjumper!
SD Millar:	Look, see! Hav M Soler disapered? Noes! G Bennett hav disapered! Odd! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard? Mite they ov let B Jungels go on porpoise?
N Boulting:	Cud b! 'e doan nede 2 pwn bofe climes 2 get teh spottyjumper.
SD Millar:	M Soler about 2 xlode wile G Bennett iz clingin' on2 teh pelican's talefethas! TUAE Emirates r shit, rn't they!
Omnes:	FFS, Super D! Maek ur fkn mind up!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap B Jungels hav incresd hiz lede!
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates haz evryfink unda control!
Omnes:
B Jungels:	Look, see! I haz 2 (two) minits @ teh botom ov this 'ere clime!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Otha T Cofidis rid0rz wurk 4 S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard! They wunt teh spottyjumper!
SD Millar:	Look, see! G Bennett hav not xploded afta all!
Omnes:	Rite, Super D! Ur band from menshnin' TUAE Emirates 4 teh rest ov teh staeg!
SD Millar:	TJ Visma!
N Boulting:	Well, MC Nielsen hav bin shat out ov teh pelican's fethery bum, so teh spottyjumper iz btwene B Jungels & S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard. Look, see! D Martinez also!
SD Millar:	Ent in teh bag 4 B Jungels yet! Iffen TJ Visma or T Ineo$ 4ce paec…
N Boulting:	W Barguil droppin' out ov teh breakfroupfing!
Bethany (12):	Bumskins!
N Boulting:	Tho he mite b droppin' bak 2 help ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana…
Bethany (12):	Doan caer!
N Boulting:	Iz WV Aert droppin' out?
SD Millar:	Gettin' botles 2 hand 2 teme wen they catch up. Clevvah. B Jungels iz insied teh 20 km cutoff but WV Aert ent!
WV Aert:	O hai! Who wunts a ornj wip? [Dies]
Omnes:	Yay! U doan get Blooz Bros refrunces on DingoVision!
N Boulting:	T Pinot assault attack teh breakfroupfing!
S Geschke:	Pack it in, u tit! Onoz! I haz xploded & so haz mi hipsta beard!
5:	Yay! Go, T Pinot!
N Boulting:	T Pinot kik agane!
SD Millar:	T Pinot cud yet pwn teh staeg!
N Boulting:	Bit ov a contrast wif yestada, eh! 'e's makin' tiem on B Jungels!
B Jungels:	Iz still a long wa 2 go! Includin' teh descant! T Pinot c'n't descant 4 tooffe!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap T Pinot hav brung teh gap down 2 45" seconds!
T Pinot:	I c'n c u, B Jungels! Well, neerli!
N Boulting:	A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian, hav xploded!
Omnes:	LOL!
S Geschke:	Go, T Pinot! Iffen u bete B Jungels on teh spottyclime teh spottyjumper will go 2 me & mi hipsta beard!
T Pinot:	I's comin' 2 get u, B Jungels!
SD Millar:	T Pinot iz on teh flatta bit @ teh top thobut! B Jungels cud still sta awa!
Omnes:	Get in, B Jungels, S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard notwithstanding!
N Boulting:	Wile we wuz consentr8in' on T Pinot, J Castroviejo & C Verona iz catchin' 'im! A bit…
SD Millar:	Will b raec 2 teh lien btwene B Jungels & T Pinot! I, TV's Super D Millar, hav decieded!
B Jungels:	\o/ Spottypwn. & probli teh jumper 2!
T Pinot:	Awwwwwwww, shite,
SD Millar:	Advantij J Castroviejo & C Verona!
Omnes:	Who gotted P5 ova teh spottyclime?
ML Maire:	Hold on, I chex! Woz… S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard! Yay! Spottybeard!
N Boulting:	Crivvens! T Pinot ent loosin' much on teh descant 2 B Jungels! Oh, teh clok iz fckd agane! As u were.
Omnes:	Get in, B Jungels! WTF iz teh fkn clok doin'?
N Boulting:	3.4 km & 27" seconds!
Omnes:	Wot r teh oddz that T Pinot pwns teh Combativité even iffen 'e dunt pwn teh staeg?
SD Millar:	Teh stepefulness ov teh finnish ent 2 bad! B Jungels…
N Boulting:	Thare's a bit @ 8%, dolt!
Omnes:	1.8 km 31" seconds! U got this, B Jungels!
N Boulting:	Ooooooh! J Castroviejo & C Verona r neerli on T Pinot!
5:	Noooooooooooo! Daddy? Stop them!
B Jungels:	\o/ w00t!
N Boulting:	They past 'im! J Castroviejo 2nd, C Verona 3rd! T Pinot… sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE! T Pogačar tryna get MOAR tiem on teh otha Gee-Cee contend0rz! Ware TF did they coem from
SD Millar:	Still encurrajin' 4 T Pinot & amazeballs ried bi B Jungels!
N Boulting:	No-1 predict this!
Bethany (12):	Ahem…
	[…]
G Imlach:	So not much chaeng in teh Top 10 (ten) xept that T Pogačar gotted anuvver three (3) seconds ova evry1 xept J Vingegaard.
B Jungels:	Veri happi! 4 sure! Kepe mi riddim! Soopa hard last 2 km but teh staeg suit mi ridin' stylee!
NC Boardman:	Gr8 ried, tho I rekn he pwned it on that descant! Teh l00n!
TP Kennaugh:	Epic da! MOAR plz!
G Imlach:	& gr8 finnish 4 T Pogačar 2!
NC Boardman:	In spiet ov teh dowts xpresst bi m'lernèd coleeg SD Millar teh teme doned evryfink rite & R Majka woz mitey agane!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Wen I sed "No chaeng in top 10" I 4got D Martinez, wot lost 16 (sixteen) minits & iz now noware. ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana iz now in P10!
N Boulting:	Perchaenc teh pwn bi B Jungels mite re-nrgize pore ~~DED~~ BO Connor?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe.
G Imlach:	We sent ect!
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pidcock!
T Pidcock:	O hai! Hard da! TUAE Emirates ded strong. Woz a surpries. Hoap D Martinez c'n recovva a bit 2moz!
G Imlach:	WV Aert!
NC Boardman:	WV Aert' njoin' this! Nutta! Snottyjumper a bonus 4 TJ Visma!
D Friebe:	O hai, G Bennett!
G Bennett:	O hai! Not ntierli 2 plan coz I runned out ov water on teh last clime! Next weke will b soopa hard 4 sure!
G Imlach:	Niec 2 c teh raec 4 teh spottyjumper finali startin' proppa-liek 2!
NC Boardman:	4 sure chiz curses I soun' liek a modern-da rid0r! Wied-open thobut!
Omnes:	Get in, S Geschke & ur hipsta beard!

TdF 2022-07-10: Bingly-Bongly BEAR by Mr Larrington, on Flickr

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #68 on:** 10 July, 2022, 06:50:41 pm »

You know when I jokingly suggested T Pinot would get the Combativité even if he didn’t win the stage?

Well, they awarded the Combativité to…

…

…T Pinot.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #69 on:** 10 July, 2022, 10:08:15 pm »

At least the highlights prog managed to show S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard collecting the spottyjumper, though they omitted the first Big Brown Birb* sighting from the live show. Here’s hoping for some vautours later in the week.

* Red kite, correctly identified by NC Boardman.

Pingu · « **Reply #70 on:** 10 July, 2022, 10:10:36 pm »

Quote from: Beardy on 10 July, 2022, 03:05:17 pm

I keep reading Bob Jungels as Bo Jangles

That's Mr Bo Jangles to you.

Mrs Pingu · « **Reply #71 on:** 10 July, 2022, 10:18:11 pm »

Yay, after years of me saying Junglus massive everytime Bob Jungles was mentioned, they actually played it and Pingu worked out what I've been wibbling about.

Pingu · « **Reply #72 on:** 10 July, 2022, 10:59:22 pm »

Sivin pingwens iggs

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #73 on:** 10 July, 2022, 11:14:31 pm »

Can't think where that came from…

Edit: D Friebe's pre-départ interviews with the riders make a lot MOAR sense on the highlights show when they’re on one after the other at the start, rather than shotgunned into the middle of the live show when a lot of what they've said has already turned out to be Clearly Bollocks. 4 sure.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #74 on:** 11 July, 2022, 01:53:39 pm »

You may, Volatile Reader, rest assured than we at P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz^TM® have been hard at work assembling the first Rest Day show from stock footage, recycled Super D Millar quotes and Lobachevski’d Stuffs to give a unique insight into the first week-anna-bit of the Tour ov France and not sitting here twiddling our collective thumbs and suffering withdrawal symptoms from the spectacle of LycraLoons charging up mountains in forty degree temperatures, oh no. Expect excitement, adventure, really wild things and WV Aert.