Etienne Shrdlu Presents… TdF 2021

[Pingu]

gin_pennant by The Pingus, on Flickr

[Mrs Pingu]

Lol

[Beardy]

I’d associate that glass shape with a martini rather than gin.

[fimm]

Who or what was Etienne Shrdlu? Is it safe to google?

[Tim Hall]

Who or what was Etienne Shrdlu? Is it safe to google?

A friend of Lorem Ipsum I reckon.

[Mr Larrington]

Who or what was Etienne Shrdlu? Is it safe to google?

Yes. Yes, it is.

[spesh]

Who or what was Etienne Shrdlu? Is it safe to google?

Yes. Yes, it is.

ObligLehrer: "And this may prove useful to some of you, perhaps, in a bizarre set of circumstances..."

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 4: Redon —> Fougères

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! 'tis I, El Rofflissimo TV's G Imlach & this [waves arm] is teh Tour ov France! Obv u cannot c it from here becoz there's a tree in teh way!
Bethany (11):	Do u taek me 4 a nidiot, G Imlach?
G Imlach:	I shud not be so presumptuous, Bethany (11)! I's not very brave either! It woz wot we purveyors of comedy LOLZ0RZ call "a joak".
Bethany (11):	Soz. I's a bit slo 2da. Mi Mum woz on teh grog agane last nite, teh fukn C-O-W!
G Imlach:	U bak @ hoam then?
Bethany (11):	Yer, fck mi luck! She'd ov got teh anti-social workers round iffen I hadn't…
G Imlach:	Still, beter luck than R Gesink J Haig G Thomas A Démare P Roglič & C Ewan, 2 naem but 6! Some, or MOAR of whom (grammer) haz goned hoam.
Bethany (11):	Do not push ur luck, G Imlach, unless u want 2 go hoam urself. Carryin' ur luv spuds in ur hat!
G Imlach:	I, er, um, let us instead analyse teh results of yesterda's multiple acts ov carnage! 2 teh general amazeballs ov absolutely 0 C Ewan haz goned hoam. 2 teh equally gr8 amazeballs ov absolutely some peops, G Thomas haz not even tho some chump reported it az Trufax on Tw@ter last nite.
	[…]
C Prudhomme:	[Waves fleg] OK, u septic arses, do teh biznis!
T Pelican:	Shan't!
NC Boardman:	Bieks haz brakes, u kno! Teh roads of Bretagne r teh same & teh rid0rz will hapli do Paris-Roubaix & teh Tour ov Filanderers. Rid0rz need 2 calm down.
TP Kennaugh:	I agree wif Niec C! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
G Imlach:	Teh route was known months ago! Y they onli complain 10 minits b4 teh start?
NC Boardman:	That wud invlv rationality from teh teams. I predict we will haz this convo next year 2!
G Imlach:	Look, see! A biek race haz broken out! 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
	[Silence interspersed wif *** chewing a sticki bun]
N Boulting:	Soz! U cort us unawarez!
SD Millar:	Most of teh former rid0rz agree wif Niec C Boardman 4 e.g. PT Voeckler L Jalabert. Tho C Vasseur tole T Cofidis 2 b on there toes in teh final 10 km & they all got 2 teh finish undamaged.
N Boulting:	Teh guest ov Le Roi Christian I 2da iz 1 (one) B Hinault, who haz form when it come 2 protests!
SD Millar:	Yebbut he ushully dealt wif them wif a right cross! He'd probly tell teh pelican 2 stop tittin' about & get on wif it!
Omnes:	We r liek William teh Concurrer in this regard, Super D! Get! On! Wif! It!
N Boulting:	Oh. They haz. We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, Crazy P Sagan!
CP Sagan:	O hai! We do Paris-Roubaix crazy but not liek this! We nede 2 change teh mindset ov teh pelican!
D Friebe:	O hai, C Froome!
C Froome:	O hai! I iz hurty! Yesterda fault ov teh UCI. They doan care about us serfs thobut! Bah! Due diligence!
N Boulting:	Yes, well, chaeng teh roolz @ teh last minit. Liek that'll work! Remember when teh Schleck Bros wanted 2 neutralise descants?
SD Millar:	Kitteh herdin', innit!
M Kitteh:	O hai! Also, miaow!
Omnes:	Go chase teh birbs, M Kitteh, u washed-up old feline!
M Kitteh:	I h8 u all!
N Boulting:	Wile orl that woz goin' on, PL Périsher & BV Moer haz fled teh pelican's mitey beek & haz 2 and a 1/2 minits lead! Tiem 4 shitverts!
Omnes:	We ent sure wether G Thomas shitvertising Zwift is a good thing or not.
EC Boardman:	@ least he ent liekly 2 fall off ov that biek! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
N Boulting:	We ect…
D Friebe:	O hai, M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	O hai! I doan wanna sound liek a GC rid0r & sa "We will c wot hapns" but we will c wot hapns!
D Friebe:	O hai, G Thomas!
G Thomas:	O hai! I iz hurty! Having ur shoulda put back in its hole iz beter'n secks! Iz short staeg 2da & tiem-trail 2moro so shud be OK. We will c wot hapns.
D Friebe:	Sumtiems I h8 this job!
S Dillier:	[Gurns @ camera] O hai!
Omnes:	Who r u?
S Dillier:	Teh road-raec champion ov Schnibbleland, that's who!
N Boulting:	SD iz off 4 a tincture. After teh shitverts I will be joined bi chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh. Deep joy.
	[…]
N Boulting:	Pourquoi ne pas visiter Bain-de-Bretagne pendant vos vacances l'année prochaine ? Voyez son intéressante église de granit, son moulin à vent historique, ses petits oiseaux bruns, ses nombreux terrains de football et un facteur fumant un Disque Bleu! Iz it liek teh Isle ov Man, Tiny P?
TP Kennaugh:	No.
N Boulting:	We ect…
D Friebe:	O hai, S Kruiswijk!
S Kruiswijk:	O hai! Cut mi hand when P Roglič doned a chute but still haz orl 10 (ten) fingers attached!
TP Kennaugh:	10 (ten)? [Sotto voce] One… two… lots! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
N Boulting:	Saints preserve us! I's joinin' Super D in teh bar! Bai!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 haz hapnd!
Bethany (11):	Wot, agane?
M Rendell:	‘fraid so. Big Units. M Walscheid. He's 6'6" & a bit, u kno! We sent…
D Friebe:	O hai, S Yates!
S Yates:	Stay out ov trubble until teh Alpses. 0 pressure!
D Friebe:	Pierrez-moi! Haz S Yates bin takin' elocution lessons? I understood that! O hai, C Swift!
C Swift:	O hai! Gud da yesterda N Bouhanni got 3rd & also dint punch anyone!
M Rendell:	Mite N Bouhanni pwn teh staeg 2da, Tiny P?
TP Kennaugh:	Yes. No. Maybe. I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:
	[…]
M Rendell:	Look, see! I Montoya N Quintana! He ent wearin' 131 this year. W Barguil iz…
Bethany (11):	Yay! Go W Barguil! [Executes frantic dance routine]
M Rendell:	He ent goin' so gud atm, Bethany (11)!
Bethany (11):	4 sure but iz still a long wa 2 go & anything c'n hapn!
M Rendell:	I Montoya N Quintana will be on damage limitation 2moro, becoz he can't tiem-trail 4 tooffe!
TP Kennaugh:	[Long and on teh whole sensible discourse about teh difficulty ov having 150 rid0rz all occupying teh 1st 25 places on teh road]
Omnes:	What haz u doned wif teh real Tiny P?
	[…]
M Rendell:	GV Laundromat! Longest rain az Olympic road-race champion? Noes! Iz A Konstantinidis! 1896! No road-race agane 'til 1928! Hahahahahaha!
NC Boardman:
M Rendell:	We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai, J Guarnieri!
J Guarnieri:	O hai! A Démare haz orl hiz bonez still in teh rite places!
M Rendell:	I wonda iffen his famli maeks violins?
NC Boardman:
	[…]
N Boulting:	Pish! We'sh baaaaaaack! Hic!
SD Millar:	[Snoring]
N Boulting:	Waek up, Super D, we's back on teh telly! Churchs!
SD Millar:	Woshapnin'? Hic! I'd luv 2 join ur churchy-talk, ***, but I losht teh guidebok! Hic!
N Boulting:	Siri? Wot is a fckwit? How's I s'posed 2 sound authoritative iffen u lost teh bok, u arse?
SD Millar:	Oooooh, tetchy!!1!
Omnes:	Haz u got ur Absurder's Bok ov Teh Birbs ov France this year, ***?
N Boulting:	I h8 u all! Galettes saucisses! Sossidge-inna-bun cold buckweet pancake!
SD Millar:	It's! A! Hot! Dog! Onli! Shit! FFS!
N Boulting:	[Recitation ov teh Rennes Sossidge Manifesto]
SD Millar:
	[…]
N Boulting:	Biek chaeng 4 M Cavendish!
Omnes:	Probly a bat flattery on his gearz LOL!
M Cavendish:	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	Last opportunity b4 teh snottysprint Sprint SPRINTEEE!
SD Millar:	None ov teh big hitterz will b contestin' it. Leave it 2 teh lieks ov M Matthews S Colbrelli ect!
M Matthews:	R u implying sumfink?
S Colbrelli:	Wot M Matthews sed!
N Boulting:	I… er… Vitré!
SD Millar:	Vitré! V Hugo rated it! "The good fortune to see a Gothic city entire, complete, homogeneous, a few of which still remain, Nuremberg in Bavaria and Vittoria in Spain, can readily form an idea; or even smaller specimens, provided that they are well preserved, Vitré in Brittany, Nordhausen in Prussia!"
Omnes:	Str8 outta Wikinaccurate, Super D! U bin takin' lessons from Tiny P Kennaugh LOL?
SD Millar:	I h8 u all!
N Boulting:	Radio Free Prudhomme sez M Cavendish biek change woz coz his saddle fell off!
EC Boardman:	Roffle! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
BV Moer:	\o/ Snottypwn!
	[A minit or so l8r]
M Cavendish:	\o/ w00t!
	[…]
N Boulting:	No MOAR shitverts! Huzzah!
SD Millar:	Perfick da 4 post-chute recuperation! No wrecks & nobody drownded…
EC Boardman:	Not yet… Ahahahaha! Oh yes!
N Boulting:	M Mørkøv! Top man! Jellied wif M Cavendish alredi!
M Mørkøv:	Az long az u doan maek me sound liek a sneeky fukn Russian!
N Boulting:	J Bakelite…
Bethany (11):	Who aksed that tw@ back? Teh sexist oinka! Tell D Friebe 2 tell 'im "Bethany sez fck off!"
N Boulting:	Mite MVD Poel haz teh da off from leadout duty 2da? Saev hisself 4 teh tiem-trail?
SD Millar:	Yes, no & maybe!
N Boulting:
BV Moer:	C me assault attack PL Périsher 4 teh LO… oh. Piss!
SD Millar:	Look, see! Teh pelican iz goin' flat out liek hell!
EC Boardman:	Xpect big chutey-bang-bang in 3…2… oh. Shittens!
PL Périsher:	C me assault attack BV Moer 4 teh LO… oh. Arse!
BV Moer:	C me assault attack PL Périsher 4 teh LOLZ0RZ!
PL Périsher:	Oh. Arse!
Omnes:	Get in, BV Moer!
SD Millar:	Look, see! No concerted chaes! Big gap 2 close! TDQ Step & TA Fenix beter sort themselves out sharpish!
Omnes:	8 km 1 minit! Get in, BV Moer!
TD Gendt:	I, TD Gendt, Headbangersaurus belgicae, dint refer 2 him az "teh new TD Gendt" after he pwned a staeg on teh Dolphiné just 4 teh LULZ, u kno!
N Boulting:	TL Soudal donin' a gr8 job slowin' teh pelican!
Omnes:	5 km 51" seconds! Get in, BV Moer!
TDQ Step:	Outta teh way, u wnkrs!
TL Soudal:	None! Shall! Pass!
Omnes:	2 km 23" seconds! Onoz!
SD Millar:	J Alaphilippe leadin' out M Mørkøv & M Cavendish!
Omnes:	Piss! They cort 'im!
M Cavendish:	\o/ Ta, M Mørkøv! Ur my new BFF!
N Boulting:	I haz no wordz! I hoap TV's G Imlach haz sum!
G Imlach:	Indeed I do, ***! Indeed I do. & they r "tiem 4 MOAR shitverts"!
Omnes:	Piss!
	[…]
NC Boardman:	U cannot write off M Cavendish! I shud kno, I've tried often enuff!
M Cavendish:	Fck!
G Imlach:	Helps iffen u haz teh lieks ov M Mørkøv & J Alaphilippe 2 lead u out!
TP Kennaugh:	He jus' needs sumwun 2 believe in 'im! He's from teh Isle ov Man!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Cavendish also pwned teh snottyjumper!
D Friebe:	O hai, M Mørkøv! U think M Cavendish wud b able 2 do that from wot u saw a couple ov years ago?
M Mørkøv:	No.
D Friebe:	Sumtiems I h8 this job!
G Imlach:	Mite M Cavendish set teh clock bak a decade & pwn teh snottyjumper outrite?
NC Boardman:	Stranger thingz haz happened…
G Imlach:	Tiem-trail 2moro! G Thomas vs. R Carapace? MVD Poel? WV Aert?
NC Boardman:	They put it in erli 2 shake up teh GC, onli teh GC iz all shook up already!

Time for foopball. Play up, fellows!

[fimm]

Who or what was Etienne Shrdlu? Is it safe to google?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Thank you!

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 5: Changé —> Laval Espace Mayenne

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! Iffen it's Wednesday it must be teh Tour ov France, introduced bi me, TV's G Imlach. Teh most mirthsome thing on ur distascopes since teh Batle ov Stalingrad!
NC Boardman:	I remain unconvinced that teh Batle ov Stalingrad was a hi point ov alternative comedy.
EC Boardman:	Well, it made me larrff! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
Bethany (11):	Fash bein' killed utterly 2 DETH in bignums? Wot's not 2 liek?
G Imlach:	I'll come in agane, shall I? Tour ov France! M Cavendish! & a pox on teh wretched foopball!
NC Boardman:	M Cavendish!
TP Kennaugh:	M Cavendish! We're from teh Isle ov Man!
G Imlach:	Mite M Cavendish pwn teh record ov staeg pwns currently pwned by E Merckx after all?
E Merckx:	O hai! I am E Merckx and I am teh Platonic ideal ov Pwnage! Bof, u Eenglish! I do not care if teh M Cavendish pwns teh FIFTY stages! He haz not teh Pwnage liek me, E Merckx!
Omnes:	Lip up, fatty! Ur recycling quotes from 2016!
EC Boardman:	I wish I'd sed that
E Merckx:	I h8 u all!
NC Boardman:	No. No, M Cavendish will not.
M Cavendish:	C'n I just sa that this iz teh 2nd tiem I's said "fck" on liev televizh? "Fck"! I shos u, TV's so-called "C Boardmen"! Oh yes!
5's Mummy:	That was uncalled for, young man!
M Cavendish:	sozmissispoulidorfanshaw! Tho I reckn I's older'n u!
5's Mummy:	That's as may be; however a Lady never reveals her age.
Bethany's Mum:	U? A lade? Nuffink very ladelike about wot u useta done 4 a livin! 7 (seven) wif 1 blow, iz wot I herd!
5's Mummy:	Please do not start that tiresome fiddle-faddle again! Court cases are so tedious!
G Imlach:	Never had ur Mum down az an aficionado ov teh Brothers Grimm, Bethany (11)!
Bethany (11) & Bethany's Mum [in stereo]:	U wot?
G Imlach:	Nevvah mind. Tiem-trail 2da. Tiem-trails, az I may haz observed b4, iz borin'…
NC Boardman:	No! They! Ent!
G Imlach:	Iz so!
NC Boardman:	Ent!
G Imlach:	Iz so!
NC Boardman:	Ent!
Omnes:	Get! On! Wif! It!
G Imlach:	27.2 (two) km from, er… [indicates map] here to, um, [indicates map agane] there. Quite near here, really.
	[… ]
G Imlach:	Look, see! M Cavendish haz pwned C Froome! Inna tiem-trail!
EC Boardman:	LOLZ0RZ!!1! And it's rainin'! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
G Imlach:	M Cavendish! 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
N Boulting:	O hai! B McNulty felled off ov his biek & M Bjerg iz teh fastest wif 33'01" when it woz not rainin'. Now u kno az much az we do!
SD Millar:	Sporting course! Lumpy @ start & twiddly @ end!
N Boulting:	TEFE Hippo haz discovered teh tiem-trailling mojo! Bodes well 4 Bethany's Da… R Urán!
Bethany (11):	Yay!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Crazy P Sagan! He h8s this!
CP Sagan:	I h8 this!
N Boulting:	Weather!
SD Millar:	Bah! I haz lost tiem-trails becoz it raned on me, inc. teh prolog ov teh Tour ov France!
N Boulting:	But mite u also haz pwned tiem-trails coz ur rivals got raned on?
SD Millar:	Rivals
	[… ]
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Cattaneo iz faster'n M Bjerg @ TC1! & there goes teh tiem-trail champion ov Yurrrp, S Küng!
SD Millar:	N Powerless iz faster'n M Cattaneo @ TC1! TEFE Hippo!
Bethany (11):	w00t!
N Boulting:	M Cattaneo iz slower'n M Bjerg @ TC2!
SD Millar:	[Patiently tries 2 explane gearz 2 ***; fales]
N Boulting:	So iffen I unnerstan u korektli, er, look, see! Iz R Porte!
	[… ]
N Boulting:	We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, D Martin!
D Martin:	Wet. Dry. Wet. Treacherous!
5's Mummy:	Ai'm sorry to hear that, young man! Still, there is a long way to go and anything can happen!
D Martin:	fankoosyrah!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Cattaneo haz made up teh lost tiem & iz fastest!
M Cattaneo:	Out ov mi chare, BACON-Boi!
SD Millar:	N Powless hav lost a metric fckton ov tiem in teh middle sector & iz now fcked!
N Boulting:	Listen, hear! NC Boardman hav joined us!
NC Boardman:	O hai!
SD Millar:	Speke 2 us ov tiem-trail teknologi, o wise 1!
NC Boardman:	Well, chainringz r round agane! Round iz teh new oval! 3D printed Stuffs! Skinsootz! Wind tunnels! [Haz moment]
N Powless:	Ha! Scram, Macaroni-features!
M Cattaneo:	Piss!
N Boulting:	R Porte saem tiem az M Cattaneo @ TC1! Look, see! SK Andersen, teh nodding doggo ov teh pelican! He mite go well. Or not. Depends on wether he thinks he c'n pwn teh staeg!
NC Boardman:	Niec bit ov arse-coverin' there, ***!
N Boulting:	I… er… team prize? Sum teamz care liek, um, er…
SD Millar:	T Moviestar, and that's it!
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ ¡PODRÍA ESCRIBIR UNA SECUENCIA DE REINICIO Y APAGAR TODO EL SISTEMA! +++
S Küng:	Hoppit, Hamberder Kid!
N Powless:	Donkey!
	[… ]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Here iz P Roglič disguised az Ramses II!
NC Boardman:	All teh bandages ent good 4 aerodynamix!
EC Boardman:	Yebbut, he's liter coz ov all teh skin he's lost! Roffle! Oh yes!
SD Millar:	Aktually, he'll be all swole up liek teh proverbial pizened puppi, so he'll be heavier!
N Boulting:	Look, see! G Thomas!
SD Millar:
N Boulting:	J Birbsong! V Nibbles! Bethany's Da… R Urán!
	[… ]
N Boulting:	Danez! Goin' gr8! Gr8 Danez in fakt ba-dumm TISH! I's here all week! I bet they's watchin' in Copenhagen!
Denmark:	Nope, iz wall-2-wall foopball here 2!
SD Millar:	G Thomas @ TC1! 25" seconds sloer'n S Küng! Onoz!
N Boulting:	That mene he may fall bhind P Roglič! O waily waily! A Lutsenko! He pwned teh tiem-trail @ teh Dolphiné!
Omnes:	Been @ teh Dr Ferrari's Astana Beanz, eh?
A Lutsenko:	How very dare u! Missis P-F, c'n u txt me ur lawyer's fone #?
N Boulting:	Onoz! G Thomas iz on a bad 1 (one) even compared wif P Roglič! Look, see! T Pogačar!
Omnes:	Coff! Coff! ["Fruit" – Ed.]!
N Boulting:	W Kelderman! He mite ect ect!
SD Millar:
N Boulting:	Look, see! WV Aert! He coulda bin a contender in teh tiem-trail 2019 in, iffen he hadn't felled off ov hiz biek!
J Alaphilippe:	Yebbut he did fell off ov hiz biek wile I, J Alaphilippe, did not. RAAAAWWWWR!
N Boulting:	Bethany's Da… R Urán iz not lusin' 2 mich tiem! Look, see! J Alaphilippe!
SD Millar:	J Alaphilippe!
TD Gendt:	I made teh bugger work 4 it in 2019 tho', dint I! Not liek 2da. CBA.
N Boulting:	MVD Poel!
SD Millar:	MVD Poel!
Bethany (11):
	[… ]
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! Iz flyin'! WV Aert slower'n him!
SD Millar:	R Carapace slo @ TC1! Tho he can't tiem-trail 4 tooffe! Faster'n G Thomas thobut!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! LOTS faster'n S Küng @ TC1!
SD Millar:	J Alaphilippe slo
N Boulting:	WV Aert & MVD Poel saem tiem @ TC1!
	[… ]
N Boulting:	R Carapace lusin' bigly 2 T Pogačar! Duz T Pogačar actually want teh shinyjumper @ this point in teh raec?
SD Millar:	Well, he ent gonna slo down, iz he? [Aside] Dunderheid!
T Pogačar:	Push off, Holey-Cheez Dude! Iz mi chare now!
S Küng:	Arse!
WV Aert:	Piss! Dint even pwn S Küng!
N Boulting:	R Carapace! Lost a minit & a 1/2 2 T Pogačar! J Alaphilippe! Lost MOAR than a minit 2 T Pogačar!
MVD Poel:	w00t! I ent pwned teh staeg but I still haz teh shinyjumper!
NC Boardman:	C! I tole u tiem-trails wuz xitin'!
	[… ]
T Pogačar:	Reely good da 2da! Soopa happi!
G Imlach:	Bit ov a shake-up in teh GC! T Pogačar!
NC Boardman:	He fcked my predictions! Teh bast!
TP Kennaugh:	SD Brailsford iz gonna havter spend big zlotys 2 sign 'im! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
D Friebe:	O hai, G Thomas!
G Thomas:	Pub!
NC Boardman:	Onli 10" seconds bhind R Carapace, thobut!
TP Kennaugh:	Teh question iz: who's gonna b 2nd bhind T Pogačar!
Omnes:	["Fruit" – Ed.]!
D Friebe:	O hai, S Küng!
S Küng:	Bah!
G Imlach:	Short staeg 2moro. Finish in Châteauroux. M Cavendish haz pwned 2 (two) staegs there! C'n he done it agane? Tune in 2 P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® 4 ur daily fix ov [NO CARRIER]

Edit: Any errors in positions are down to me reading the wrong caption.  N Powless didn’t pwn M Cattaneo after all.

[Pingu]

*** suggested today that you can tumble up the placings 

[Mrs Pingu]

What does "fruit" mean?
And is M Cattaneo the replacement for M Kitteh?

[Mr Larrington]

What does "fruit" mean?
And is M Cattaneo the replacement for M Kitteh?

1: Shorthand for performance-enhancing [“Fruit” – Ed]
b) Miaow!  I doubt he’ll get another mention though, unlike M Kitteh, who kept pwning stages.

Edit: I've just realised that Cattaneo is the actual Italian for “new kitteh”.  Slower than the Slow Children crossing the road, me

[spesh]

What does "fruit" mean?

As Monsieur le Mairie says, it's the in-joak for preparations and efficacious medicinal compounds. See these two posts from last year's threads:

https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=116717.msg2539947#msg2539947 (P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® thread)

https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=113839.msg2539773#msg2539773 (the nominally serious thread)

[Beardy]

What does "fruit" mean?

As Monsieur le Mairie says, it's the in-joak for preparations and efficacious medicinal compounds. See these two posts from last year's threads:

https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=116717.msg2539947#msg2539947 (P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® thread)

https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=113839.msg2539773#msg2539773 (the nominally serious thread)

Wait. What? Are you suggesting that the reportage reported by P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® is not entirely serious? I’m shocked. Shocked I tell you.

[spesh]

You must be new here.

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 6: Tours —> Châteauroux

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & welcome 2 another wizzo-sonic da on teh Tour ov France wif me, TV's G Imlach, teh finest purveyor ov fritefully witty bon mots since records began! Oscar Wilde? Strictly a hack… T Pogačar!
NC Boardman:	T Pogačar!
TP Kennaugh:	T Pogačar!
Bethany (11):	Meh!
EO Aquitaine:	Is he teh 1 who looks about 12?
Omnes:	Yes. Yes, he is.
EC Boardman:	He orter get 2getha wif Bethany (11)! They'd maek a loveli couple! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
Bethany (11):	If u wanna kno teh troo meanin' ov "Evil", EC Boardman, keep diggin'!
EC Boardman:	I ent frit ov u, litle gr… ooooh, me plums!
EO Aquitaine:	& so perish orl enemies ov Bethany (11)! Roffle &, moreover, oh yes! Put it there, sista!
	FX: handclap
Bethany (11):	One (1) down, about 4 (four) billion 2 go!
EC Boardman:	[Incoherent moaning]
G Imlach:	Enuff ov teh slapstick, grilz & boiz! 2da's staeg. M Cavendish?
TP Kennaugh:	Yes. No. Maybe. He's from teh Isle ov Man!
EO Aquitaine:	Teh xception wot proves teh rule!
TP Kennaugh:	Wot rule?
EO Aquitaine:	That teh Manx0rz r idiots!
TP Kennaugh:	Eh
G Imlach:	We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	O hai!
D Friebe:	Châteauroux?
M Cavendish:	4 sure! Doan havter stop 2 ask directions LOL! But pelican rumour servis sez WV Aert mite be allowed out 2 pla so we wil c wot hap… chiz curses wot am I saing!
G Imlach:	2 teh colemantary Sheds!
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai! Bigly confusing start. Break? No break? We seen it wile u, u did not!
SD Millar:	Initial breakfroupfing 2 strong 2 be allowed 2 get awa! GV Laundromat got angry!
GV Laundromat:	Grrrr! Angry GV Laundromat iz angry!
N Boulting:	So GV Laundromat & R Kluge r 2 minits up teh road & we sent…
D Friebe:	O hai, MVD Poel!
MVD Poel:	4 sure I haz 2 not do soopa bigly lead out. Cud b tiem gaps. Wud b a silly wa 2 luse teh shinyjumper!
N Boulting:	I bin lookin' @ teh start list ov teh 2008 Tour ov France! Onli 5 rid0rz from 2008 in raec this year M Cavendish C Froome A Valverde P Gilbert V Nibbles!
SD Millar:
N Boulting:	TJ Visma sez iffen P Roglič dunt get betta sharpish then J Vingegaard iz promoted 2 numbawan?
SD Millar:
	[…]
N Boulting:	M Cavendish! History repeatin' itself!
TP Kennaugh:	So's mi lunch! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
N Boulting:	Here iz Encyclopædia Rendellica 4 ur edutainment. Me & Super D haz need of a heart-starter!
SD Millar:	BRAAANNNNDDDYY!
M Rendell:	O hai! Mi blong sieg heil! Odd start 2 teh staeg 2da!
TP Kennaugh:	Odd. K Asgreen. In it. Most ov teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE teams invlvd 2. T FDJ hadter do team tiem-trail 2 bring 'em back! Doan get it
M Rendell:	Er. Geografi! Ent geografi brilliant? Loire. Loir. Iz a Yazoo-type river!
TP Kennaugh:	Shark! SHARK!!1!
Omnes:	It's a boat!
GV Laundromat:	\o/ Spottypwn!
TP Kennaugh:	Short sprint staegs! Betta 2 watch! Get 2 teh pubbe earlier! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
	[…]
M Rendell:	80 km, 1 and a 1/2 minits. Tiem-trail! Onli 2nd tiem MVD Poel haz ever sat onna tiem-trail biek!
TP Kennaugh:	He lieks mntn bieks! We haz a mntn on teh Isle ov Man! We call it… Teh MNTN!!1!
NC Boardman:	I useta liek goning back 2 teh track after teh road seezn! Teh raecs iz shorter!
M Rendell:	Shi-MAY-no!
Omnes:
M Rendell:	[Interminable story about tiem-trail weelz]
TP Kennaugh:	Oooh, fassinatin'!
Omnes:	He menes it 2!
NC Boardman:	Jeebus! Bring back *** or I's off 2 teh pubbe 2!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd! We sent ect…
D Friebe:	O hai, Bethany's Da… R Urán!
Bethany (11):	Yay!
R Urán:	I am very 'appi!
M Rendell:	Bethany's Da… R Urán missed a raec erli this year 2 go 2 USAnia 4 teh birth ov hiz dorter!
Bethany (11):	I haz a ickle sista? w00t!
TP Kennaugh:	He haz rice, fried eggses & a avocado 4 brekkie! Evry day! No-one wud do that on teh Isle ov Man!
D Friebe:	O hai, F Wright!
F Wright:	O hai! Iz difficult mentally! Mucho crash-bang-chutey-ouchie-bang-bang! J Haig! Very 'appi 4 M Cavendish! But S Colbrelli will pwn teh staeg becoz I iz part ov hiz lead-out!
Omnes:	LOL @ F Wright!
NC Boardman:	Wile u 2 twerps r wibblin' on about inconsequential bobbins I, TV's Niec C Boardman, haz bin watchin' teh biek raec! Teh pelican is speedin' up!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaack! Did u haz phun wile we woz awa?
Omnes:	No.
N Boulting:	Bah! Iz come soon teh snottysprint! J Alaphilippe lead-out!
SD Millar:	He had 2, otherwise BV Moer would ov pwned teh staeg!
N Boulting:	Wind! We haz none!
SD Millar:	Pitty. Would ov livened things up a bit…
GV Laundromat:	Ur not gonna fite me 4 this, r u?
R Kluge:	Nah!
	[Rather less than a minit l8r]
S Colbrelli:	\o/
CP Sagan:	Oi! M Mørkøv! Wuffo u close me down?
M Mørkøv:	Who, me?
CP Sagan:	Yes. Yes, u. Wnkr!
SD Millar:	Oooooh! Handbags!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Snottyjumper! Mite even b pwned @ finishes!
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe. Depends on wot teh lieks ov M Matthews & CP Sagan duz in teh mntns wile teh pure sprint0rz r shoutin' "grupetto!"
N Boulting:	Iz much betta 2 haz teh Tour ov France in teh summa! Iz rite tiem 4 sunflowers!
Omnes:	Bit ov a shortage ov birbs this year tho, ***!
N Boulting:	Sssssh!
Pingu:	We trust there shall be vautours l8r… They're teh very very big brown birbs, ***, BTW!
N Boulting:	Teh pelican iz in no gr8 hurry 2 catch teh breakfroupfing!
SD Millar:	GV Laundromat wants 2 tortuer hisself, becoz teh Olympix!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd! M Cavendish! E Merckx! Breakin' news: Staeg 1 spectidiot haz bin arrested! Max. fine €uros 1500!
Omnes:	Teh Ba-Be-See woz reportin' that last nite, ***! DKUATB!
N Boulting:	Piss! Teh Eh-Ess-Oh haz decided not 2 sue her, thobut!
EO Aquitaine:	So no heads chopped off neither?
N Boulting:	No.
EO Aquitaine:	Bah!
N Boulting:	T Declercq! Teh tract0r! Who wuz ur equivalent, Super D?
SD Millar:	Mi naemsake, Super D Zabriskie! Weirdo! Ad-libbed lyrix 2 sho tunes! Kept changin' hiz diet! 1 da vegan teh next hamberders! Oddball!
N Boulting:	M Mørkøv! Smoooth operat0r! Workin' well wif M Cavendish!
SD Millar:	Diffrunt from teh Old Daze M Renshaw B Eisel!
N Boulting:	Levroux! Terracotta terracotta terracotta pie roofs! Pourquoi ne pas visiter Levroux pendant vos vacances l'année prochaine ? Voir ses arbres, ses toits de terre cuite, son idiot de village et son chat à noire et blanc mondialement connu qui s'appelle «Minou»?
Le Maire de Levroux:	Merci, ***!
EO Aquitaine:	U shameless tart, ***!
Omnes:	w00t! U doan get System Ov A Down lyrics on DingoVision! Hurrah 4 P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM®!
N Boulting:	20 km, er, 0" seconds in spite ov teh 200m gap 2 R Kluge & GV Laundromat
SD Millar:	Haz teh timing calkypooter bin replaced wif T Moviestar's Race-o-Tron 7000TM? Teh gap iz bak up 2 30 40" seconds!
N Boulting:	When T Declercq blo up then D Devenyns & M Kitteh-Neo will take over. Probly.
M Kitteh [via KittehNet]:	Who iz this imposta? Also, miaow!
Omnes:	Ent u got a cradboard box 2 bother, M Kitteh?
M Kitteh:	Bah!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Combine harvesters!
Omnes:
N Boulting:	Shall R Kluge assault attack GV Laundromat? Or shall GV Laundromat assault attack R Kluge?
SD Millar:	U kno nothing, J Sno *** Boulting! See? They haz bin cort! Both ov them!
TD Gendt:	Iffen T Wellens wud ov bin 'ere & I dint havta babysit that wnkr P Gilbert…
N Boulting:	Chute! J Guarnieri! Lead-out 4 A Démare!
A Démare:	Arse!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Alaphilippe iz @ it agane! Setting teh pace! 1 km! TDQ Step!
Omnes:	Get! In! M! Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	\o/ Fck yeah! 32, eh? & doan menshn E Merckx!
J Philipsen:	Boo! Robbed!
SD Millar:	Pfft! Racin' incident!
	[…]
M Cavendish:	So 'appi! J Alaphilippe! Buzzin', yeh! & doan menshn E Merckx!
G Imlach:	Mite M Cavendish E Merckx ect ect?
TP Kennaugh:	E Merckx iz sweatin'!
EC Boardman:	["Joak removed after consultation wif teh legal department" - Ed.]
N Boulting:	Hist! Fougères Châteauroux! Nîmes! M Cavendish haz pwned a staeg there! Paris also!
SD Millar:	Four (4) tiems! Roffle!
Omnes:	He still haz 2 get 2 Paris, u 2 tits! Do not count ur chikenz until u haz teh box ov nuggits in ur hand!
D Friebe:	O hai, M Mørkøv!
M Mørkøv:	Soopa fast finish! Very 'appi!
D Friebe:	E Merckx?
M Mørkøv:	4 sure! We will c wot hapns!
ML Maire:	Note 2 self: do not set up txt replacement shortcut 4 "M Mørkøv" in caes u put teh hex on M Cavendish!

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 7: Vierzon —> Le Creusot

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & ur welcome 2 another da of rofflesome mirth and japery on teh Tour ov France wif me, TV's Gr8est Livin' Funnehbloke G Imlach! M Cavendish!
NC Boardman:	M Cavendish!
TP Kennaugh:	Isle ov Man!
Bethany (11):	Never mind him, Agent αdαmsκι sez it all kicked off rite from teh start but u wnkrs assumed 0 wud hapn coz teh 1st 150 km iz Ded Dull!
G Imlach:	Look, I only work here! Besides, ITV4 iz legally obliged 2 meet a weekly quota ov repeats ov River Monsters. Dunno y, unless J Wade iz a shareholder!
Bethany (11):	Not good enuff. I'd rite 2 mi MP, onli she's a cnt!
5's Mummy:	Normally, Bethany, I should chide you for your reprehensible language, but in this case you are spot-on. She is indeed a cnt!
Omnes:	Iz she a Tory?
5's Mummy:	Yes. Yes, she is. Dyed-blue-in-the-wool ERG 1922 Committee and so forth. Brains of a sparrow! And she rides to hounds! Frightful creature!
G Imlach:	Oooh, bit ov political stuff mi naem's B Elton Missis Thatch Normo Tebbs farty! This iz teh Tour ov France, not a Parti P'litickle Broadcast!
NC Boardman:	Becoz 2da's staeg haz orl teh interestin' bits @ teh end, I's expectin' 1/2 a doz. no-hoapers optionally inc. TD Gendt 2 done a bunk & get ten (10) minits over teh pelican. But iz still a long wa 2 go & anything c'n hapn!
M Cavendish:	I wish I hadn't sed that! O hai, D Friebe!
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M Cavendish!
Omnes:	Give ur hed a woble, Mr Producer! Ur runnin' teh tape backwards!
T Producer:	Whoopsie! Try this…
	Grams: D Friebe & M Cavendish @ double speed & backwards
T Producer:	B'gger! C'n we cut 2 sum shitverts wile teh Wee Work Xperience Lackey fixes teh machine?
WWX Lackey:	Ur s'posed 2 be a professional! How come I's teh only person here wot kno how 2 program teh videogadget?
T Producer:	Xtra rat-inna-bun if u fix it during teh shitverts!
	[…]
N Boulting:	2 rid0rz M Mohoric BV Moer off ov teh front! A minit over breakfroupfing ov 25 rid0rz inc. MVD Poel M Cavendish V Nibbles WV Aert & not T Pogačar! They haz 6 and a 1/2 minits on teh pelican! Wowsa!
SD Millar:	B0rked elastic. TUAE Emirates aslepe @ teh weel! Wowsa indeed!
N Boulting:	2 teh gr8 surprise ov absolutely no-1 M Cavendish pwned teh snottysprint!
M Cavendish:	Yay! Go me!
SD Millar:	Longest staeg ov teh Tour ov France 4 20 (twenty) years. Big sheikh-up on teh cradz! MVD Poel! WV Aert! 2 MOAR hard das 2 come!
N Boulting:	TUAE Emirates haz 2 work. T Ineo$ duz not, becoz DV Baarle iz in teh breakfroupfing! V Nibbles! U can't afford 2 give V Nibbles tiem in teh mntns, indescribably ancient tho' he may well b!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Looks liek TT Energie r bein' punished bi teh Mgt 4 missin' teh breakfroupfing! Boo!
Omnes:	Dint they done that a couple ov years ago? & Crazy P tole 'em 2 go on strike?
SD Millar:	Why, yes! Yes, they did & he did!
N Boulting:	Assault attack! J Stuyven & V Campanile! Them Belgians, eh! Look, see! M Cavendish hav xploded!
M Cavendish:	[Gurns @ camera] Bai!
SD Millar:	Big breakfroupfing in a bit ov disarray! Orl sorts ov unliekly rid0rz assault attacking! C Laporte? He's a sprint0r, FFS!
C Laporte:	Bof!
N Boulting:	Neglect not, in teh lite ov teh mntns in teh last 50 km ov teh staeg, S Yates!
S Yates:	yeh!
N Boulting:	WV Aert! Not so hot on v. long raecs.
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap J Stuyven & V Campanile haz cort M Mohoric & BV Moer!
SD Millar:	& they iz pullin' awa from teh shinyfroup! Échappe royale, az we gr8 ponces sumtiems sa!
N Boulting:	Look, see! B Thevenet inna field!
Omnes:	O RLY?
N Boulting:	Well, a pikcha. Ov him.
	[Sur le Côte de la Croix de la Libération]
SD Millar:	Roman remains!
N Boulting:	Teh Romanz had trub wif teh locals round these parts, no?
Vercingetorix:	Sho' did! Roffle!
EO Aquitaine:	Clear off, Johnny Dedfello! I's teh onli ghostie on this sho!
N Boulting:	Look, see! V Campanile iz fcked!
V Campanile:	I h8 this!
TT Energie:	U h8 it? How u think we feel?
B Genauzeau:	Work, u dogs!
N Boulting:	Assault attacks from teh shinyfroup! P Konrad MC Nielsen! V Nibbles!
SD Millar:	Chute! In teh pelican! J Vingegaard! I Schelling! P Bilbao!
M Mohoric:	\o/ Spottypwn! Level on pts wif I Schelling!
N Boulting:	Still 2 come, MOAR mntns! & tiem bonerfications on teh cat. 2 one! Xpekt MVD Poel & WV Aert 2 chaes. 4 them!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! I Schelling haz been shat out ov teh pelican's fethery arse!
I Schelling:	Bah! Bai, spottyjumper!
N Boulting:	Wile F Bonnamour haz jumped off ov teh front ov teh shinyfroup & haz a minit and a 1/4. On them. We shall haz MOAR shitverts b4 it orl kix off agane!
	[Sur le Signal d'Uchon]
N Boulting:	MVD Poel! Strada Bianchi! Killed J Alaphilippe utterly 2 DETH! F Bonnamour haz bin cort!
SD Millar:	He ent even @ teh front yet, u div!
N Boulting:	Look, see! P Konrad assault attack agane!
SD Millar:	S Yates!
S Yates:	yeh!
N Boulting:	MC Nielsen assault attack 2. Try 2 catch P Konrad! Az do various other lusers!
V Nibbles:	I, V Nibbles, shall haz a go!
K Asgreen:	I, K Asgreen, shall also haz a go! Oh, I apere 2 b tryin' 2 occupy teh saem bit ov road az V Nibbles! Soz, V Nibbles!
N Boulting:	WV Aert nede 30" seconds 2 get teh shinyjumper, wot he ent gonna get! Look, see! S Yates iz in trub!
S Yates:	yeh!
M Mohoric:	\o/ Spottypwn & spottyjumper 2!
SD Millar:	K Asgreen goin' 2 fast 4 MVD Poel & WV Aert 2 assault attack! Look, see! P Roglič haz bin dropped bi teh pelican!
P Roglič:	I h8 this!
SD Millar:	Teh other GC teams will taek advantage! R Porte T Pogačar! R Carapace! Off liek a rokkit!
R Carapace:	Ha!
N Powless:	O hai clouds o hai sky o hai shrubbery! Piss!
N Boulting:	Wot iz goin' on? MC Nielsen & K Asgreen & F Bonnamour haz cort P Konrad! Whither J Stuyven & BV Moer?
SD Millar:	Search me!
Bethany (11):	I duz not wish 2 search u, Super D, 4 ph3@r ov wot I mite find ba-dumm TISH!!1!
Omnes:
N Boulting:	Oh, that's where BV Moer haz got 2! Look, see! He haz bin cort bi K Asgreen et cie! J Stuyven still ahead thobut! & WV Aert assault attack!
MVD Poel:	Not! So! Fast! I, MVD Poel, will not let u get awa that EZ, WV Aert!
WV Aert:	Arse!
SD Millar:	T Moviestar & TEFE Hippo r tryna pull back R Carapace! R Carapace not far bhind Bethany's Da… R Urán on GC! TUAE Emirates haz no rnser!
Bethany (11):	Booooooo!
N Boulting:	Look, see! DV Baarle haz dropped back 2 help R Carapace!
Bethany (11):	Booooo! Chiz! U roter!
M Mohoric:	\o/ Who iz il capo ov teh Sloveen Maffia now, eh? EH?!?!?
J Stuyven:	P2! Yay! Go me!
SD Millar:	Look, see! WV Aert & MVD Poel haz cort K Asgreen & co! Bonerfications?
MC Nielsen:	Noes! Not on mi watch!
WV Aert & MVD Poel [in stereo]:	Piss!
	[Various drabs & dribs ov teh breakfroupfing roll in]
N Boulting:	Flippin' 'eck, Tucker! MVD Poel aktuli look tired!
R Carapace:	Onoz! Cort bi teh remanes ov teh pelican 50 m from teh line!
Bethany (11):	[Improper dancing in teh middle ov teh street]
	[…]
M Mohoric:	Planned 2 haz a go 2da. Onli assault attack 4 spottyjumper @ first but then think y TF not! Pwn staeg LOL! Soopa happi 4 sure!
G Imlach:	T Pogačar! Weak team!
NC Boardman:	We sed so! & then they got 2 front & proved there shit!
D Friebe:	O hai, S Yates!
S Yates:	Climbs 2 short 4 me & now I's knackered! C how it goes!
G Imlach:	Good da: M Mohoric V Nibbles! Bad da: T Pogačar! Bloody awful da: P Roglič!
D Friebe:	O hai, G Thomas!
G Thomas:	Woz hard! Still, a long wa 2 go! Niec tri bi R "Billy" Carapace but T Moviestar 2 strong!
Omnes:	"Billy"? Iz he flat-pakt & full ov boks?
G Thomas:
N Boulting:	MVD Poel still in shiny but we doan kno how gud he c'n climb reel mntns!
	[Very l8r]
M Cavendish:	\o/ & not even last! Yay! Go me!

[Mr Larrington]

Yay! 1st sighting of S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard – coming in with P Roglič. And a llama by the roadside.  Isn’t that dangerous?

[Pingu]

You don't get Ikea references on ITV4.

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 8: Oyonnax —> Le Grand-Bornand

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! Tiem once MOAR 4 teh eunuch combination ov pane, suffrin' & LOLZ0RZ wot iz teh Tour ov France – teh latter bein' supplied bi me, TV's rofflemungous G Imlach!
NC Boardman:	Did u really mean "eunuch", G Imlach?
G Imlach:	I nevvah said "eunuch"! Did I? WWX Lackey, replay that bit & I'll tell u ware *** Boulting keeps hiz SEEKRIT stash ov Choklit Hobnobs!
	Grams: Backwards audio during which teh words "Worshipful Satan iz r LORD & Masta" r clearly audible
G Imlach:	Actually, doan bother! Teh machine hav clearly been possessed bi this 1's [indicates TV's NC Boardman] evil twin!
WWX Lackey:	OK, ware duz *** Boulting keep his biccie hoard?
G Imlach:	Back in ur box, laddie!
WWX Lackey:	This menes war! I'll deepfaek ur reputation into teh sewer iffen u doan stick 2 teh deal!
Bethany (11):	Rite on, bruv! Fck teh system! Altho' G Imlach dunt haz much ov a rep 2 start wif!
G Imlach:	Security! Hav these 2 thrown out ov teh studio!
Bethany (11):	U 4get, G Imlach, that P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® exists outside teh normal constraints ov space-tiem! I's simultaneously in ur studio, @ hoam eatin' toast & inside C Prudhomme's hed! Stickin' pins in his hippopotamus hypothalamus!
PB Cox:	O hai! I am TV's Professor Brian Cox, floppy-haired cleverness dispenser & all-round icon! Wud u liek 2 be in teh next series ov Teh Infinite Munkeh Cage, Bethany (11)?
Bethany (11):	Iz thare ne munny in it?
PB Cox:	It's Bee-Bee-See Radio. U mite cop 4 a minicab from teh stashun, tho u'd havta share it wif PS Jones who c'n onli tork about snalez!
Bethany (11):	Hmmmm. Hav ur peops do lunch wif mi peops & we'll taek it from there.
G Imlach:	Oi! This iz teh Tour ov France, not teh fukn glof club! We doan mix sport & bizniz here! 2da's staeg iz v hard on account ov teh umpteen categorated mntns on it, 1 ov witch carry tiem bonerfications!
NC Boardman:	After yesterda teh rid0rz mite b 4given…
EC Boardman:	Not bi me! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh no!
NC Boardman:	…4 takin' fings a bit EZ @ leest 2 start wif, but then agane this iz teh Tour ov France & anything c'n hapn!
TP Kennaugh:	Le Grand Bore Non! That menes "Teh Big Not-Borin'"! So 2da's staeg shud be v. interestin'! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Omnes:	Who tort u Frenchish, Tiny P, a Daily Fail leada riter?
TP Kennaugh:	Google Translaet 4 Dummeez!
G Imlach:	All r predicshuns 4 teh Gee-See haz turned out rong! P Roglič iz b0rked, T Pogačar ent got a teme worthi ov teh naem, R Porte & G Thomas haz felled of ov thare bieks & lost lots ov tiem, MVD Poel sez he mite go hoam becoz Olympix, V Nibbles ditto. So who mite pwn teh raec now, o mi droogies?
R Carapace:	Me!
M Mohoric:	Sumwun else!
K Asgreen:	Me!
WV Aert:	Him!
Bethany (11):	Mi Da… R Urán!
J Alaphilippe:	I do not sink ov zis!
T Pogačar:	Me, u foolz! Just becoz mi teme consist ov R Majka &, er, R Majka… 'e's a gud boy, 'e iz!
NC Boardman:	Whichever 1 ov them c'n tiem-trail teh best!
G Imlach:	Always wif u teh tiem-trails! [Adopts crap faux-Scouse accent] Eeeewww tiem-trails r sew not borin', r Lucien!
Omnes:	Get! On! Wif! It!
G Imlach:	2 teh colemantary Sheds!!1!
Bethany (11):	No' me, pal! I's off 2 5's! Kumquats FTW!
	[…]
ML Maire:	Doan think much ov ur Mairie, Oyonnax!
Le Maire d'Oyonnax:	Bof! U Ingleeesh!
N Boulting:	2da's staeg: hard @ teh beginnin', hard in teh midle & hard @ teh end!
SD Millar:	Even teh soft bits r hard!
N Boulting:	Look, see! It iz rainin'!
EC Boardman:	Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
T Martin:	U lot remember Nice last year? No tittin' about, eh! Yes, T Moviestar, I's lookin' @ u!
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ ¡Nuestro plan es inefable! ¡& Imparable! +++
Omnes:	Birb! Birb! It's a sto… heron!
C Prudhomme:	C mi birb impression! Sum idiot from TB Exchaeng hav dropped hiz chane!
Omnes:	Snek! Snek!
C Prudhomme:	[Wiggles fleg] Bugger off, u simpering giggletits!
TD Gendt:	[Racing-Beest: on] Oh.
N Boulting:	Look, see! Rid0rz r alredi bein' shelled out teh back! R Kluge M Walscheid A Démare! C Froome!
SD Millar:	Look, see! TG Hart & W Poels haz a gap! Oh. TG Hart haz bin dropped alredi!
N Boulting:	Shirley W Poels cannot pwn teh staeg from here?
SD Millar:	5 (five) rid0rz maek chaes! Six! Plus TG Hart! 7! Er, I'll come in agane, shall I?
N Boulting:	Iz M Kitteh-Neo escapin' from teh 2nd froup? Join us afta teh shitverts 2 find out!
	[…]
W Poels:	\o/ Wot u mene, no spottypoints! Bah!
M Woods:	Onoz eh! Overcookt teh corna eh! What's that all aboot?
N Boulting:	Looks liek teh remanes ov teh pelican iz orl bak 2gether agane! We apere 2 haz lost W Poels! M Cavendish haz bin dropped thobut!
Omnes:	Piss!
N Boulting:	S Colbrelli assault attack! Oh. N Peters assault attack! Oh.
SD Millar:	Pelican split in 2! 70 (seventy) rid0rz in each 1/2. M Cavendish & CP Sagan r in teh 2nd 1/2. S Colbrelli & M Matthews r in teh 1st!
M Cavendish:	Arse!
ML Maire:	Onoz! I haz cort up wif teh recordin' alredi! Shittens!
T Shitverts:	Buy! Buy an anbaric wankpanzer chilled piss a bicycle! Watch "Cooking Wif Teh Fckheads"! Buy!
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap we mite haz 8 or so rid0rz off ov teh front. Or not. M Google haz felled off ov hiz biek! Now u kno az much az we do!
TP Kennaugh:	A few yeres ago a froup contanin' G Thomas C Froome & M Cavendish wud ov… oooh, waterfall! We haz a waterfall on teh Isle ov Man! We corlz it… TEH WATERFALL!!1!
Omnes:
M Rendell:	Look, see! M Mohoric @ teh front ov teh pelican & P Roglič @ teh bak! Sloveen samwich!
Bethany's Mum:	1 ov teh Moldovan skank's speshultis, or so I herd!
	FX: riffling paper, touch tone fone
5's Mummy:	Hello? Sue, Grabbit & Runne?
Omnes:	Surprised u ent got them on spede-dial, Missis P-F!
5's Mummy:	Security. If Ai don't keep mai contacts on mai telephone then GCHQ, MI5 & Special Branch cannot hack them!
Omnes:	R they liekli 2?
5's Mummy:	Yes! Or so mai husband tells me!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Still no breakfroupfing! Tho M Mohoric iz tryna do 1!
NC Boardman:	G Thomas froup 4 minits down! Mite he even go hoam?
G Thomas:	Pub!
NC Boardman:	Orl teh tork ov teh GC temes iz out ov daet, coz there ent ne!
M Rendell:	Soon iz come teh snottysprint SPRINTEEE! M Matthews S Colbrelli!
S Colbrelli:	\o/ Snottypwn!
M Matthews:	Piss!
M Rendell:	Ten (10) km 2 teh 1st spottyclimb!
NC Boardman:	P Roglič gap still 2 minits! I thort he woz droppin' bak 2 teh teme car prior 2 goning hoam!
P Roglič:	I ATE'NT DED!!1!
NC Boardman:	Hydroelectricité!
TP Kennaugh:	U wot
NC Boardman:	Le Barrage de Génissiat, that's wot! Mite b worth a visit on ur holibobs next year!
N Boulting:	[Choking noises] That's mi gig, Boardman, u unprincipled swine!
EC Boardman:	Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Not ne MOAR!
TP Kennaugh:	We haz electricity on teh Isle ov Man! But onli since 1997! B4 that they thort it Did Things 2 teh Cows' Milk!
	[…]
M Rendell:	21 rid0rz goned clere inc. T Pogačar & M Mohoric & not MVD Poel! 20" seconds or so!
TP Kennaugh:	M Kwiatkowski iz in teh front froup but R Carapace iz not! Neither ov them iz from teh Isle ov Man! Oh. T Ineo$ is leadin' teh chaes & haz cort them!
M Rendell:	Look, see! W Poels assault attack agane!
NC Boardman:	Iffen he want 2 pwn teh staeg from here he's gonna nede help!
T Ben00t:	I, T Ben00t, shall tri 2 catch W Poels! Oh!
P Roglič:	I h8 this! C'n I go hoam?
Omnes:	Ur still grinnin'!
EC Boardman:	I bin checkin' teh tiem limit! G Thomas & co iz MOAR than seven minits bak & we ent even hit teh proppa mntns yet! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
TP Kennaugh:	& sum rid0rz r even furtha bak! So far bak they's almost on teh Isle ov Man!
EC Boardman:	Ahahahaha! Look, see! Teh cows r lyin' down & we orl kno wot that mene! Oh yes!
Omnes:	It menes they's tired!
EC Boardman:	Piss!
W Poels:	\o/ Spottypwn!
ML Maire:	This staeg iz a mess! I can't kepe trak no MOAR! Sort it out durin' teh shitverts or I'll set Bethany (11) on u!
T Pelican:	Yoicks!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaack! P Roglič iz still h8in' this! WV Aert!
SD Millar:	I b'lieve WV Aert when he sez he's off ov teh boil thobut!
N Boulting:	TJ Visma also hav S Kuss & J Vingegaard in teh front froup!
SD Millar:	K-os!
N Boulting:	I didn't xpekt this on teh Tour ov France!
SD Millar:	A-nar-ky! TUAE Emirates haz not teh firepowwah!
I Montoya N Quintana:	I sprints 4 teh spottypwn!
LK Elissonde:	I, Little K Elissonde, also sprints 4 teh spottypwn!
W Poels:	U clots! I pwned teh sole spottypoint 40" seconds ago!
N Boulting:	MVD Poel! Wot he donin' bak there! Look, see! He iz suddenly miles behind!
SD Millar:	Goned back 2 teh teme car 4 a samwich? Assault attacked bi TP Fairy?
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap MVD Poel iz bak in teh pelicanette. W Poels haz 50" seconds on teh chas0rz. P Roglič iz bak in teh froup wif G Thomas in it!
SD Millar:	MVD Poel haz 0 teme-maets left.
Bethany (11):	Oh boo-fukn-hoo!
N Boulting:	P Latour! He haz falled 3 minits b'hind teh pelicanetto! Wha' hapn?
SD Millar:	In marked contrast 2 wot we sed earlier, TUAE Emirates haz a fair few mini0nz in teh froup wif T Pogačar!
N Boulting:	T Ineo$ haz sumfink simla! R Carapace R Porte M Kwiatkowski TG Hart & J Castroviejo in teh froup chasin' W Poels! Tho' it'll probly orl chaeng agane durin' teh shitverts…
	[…]
W Poels:	I think tryna do 3x1st Cat. mntns on mi own iz 2 much liek aardvark!
SD Millar:	Look, see! A Valverde! No idea ware he iz, mind!
A Valverde:	¿Near teh Spaign-o?
Omnes:	About az far awa from teh Spaign-o az u c'n get wile still bein' in teh France!
A Valverde:	¡Piss!
N Boulting:	We'll get teh last ov teh shitverts outta teh way b4 teh proppa mntns start!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 haz hapnd. CJ Jensen settin' teh paec on teh front ov teh breakfroupfing!
SD Millar:	Look, see! A Valverde! He's in deep trub!
A Valverde:	¡I h8 this!
N Boulting:	Probly enuff rid0rz dans l'autobus not 2 'liminate 'em orl, but iffen that hapns M Cavendish wud lose orl his snottypoints!
S Colbrelli & M Matthews [in stereo]:	Bring it!
SD Millar:	It'll b close!
N Boulting:	Lead froup haz 4 and a 1/2 minits over shinyfroup!
SD Millar:	Iz still a long wa 2 go & anything c'n hapn, liek T Pogačar assault attack on teh last mntn!
N Boulting:	WV Aert?
SD Millar:	Doan think so. Not showin' teh saem 4m az last yere!
N Boulting:	Gilets! A Dowsett sez they's a Rubbish!
M Volio [via e-vole]:	This Unit hereby endorses this product, service or sentiment!
SD Millar:	In this wether iz diff 2 nom ur samwichs, iffen u haz ur jacket on!
Omnes:
SD Millar:	[Undeterred] I Montoya N Quintana!
N Boulting:	Mite I Montoya N Quintana b targettin' teh spottyjumper?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe.
LK Elissonde:	I assault attack 4 teh spottypwn!
W Poels:	O! No! U! Doan! M! Shortarse! \o/
SD Millar:	Look, see! SK Andersen assault attack teh descant!
I Izaguirre:	Whoopsie! Still, @ least I dint headbutt a road sine liek MA Lopez doned last year, eh!
SD Millar:	T DSM doning a repete ov last year SK Andersen T Ben00t!
SD Bod:	Whoopsie! Owwwww! O hai, BIIINNNSSS!
T AS-TA-NA:	O NOES! R RI-D0RZ CA-NOT RIED DOWN HILLS! THEY R EX-TER-MIN-A-TING THEM-SELVES!
T Ben00t:	Enuff! Orl urs, SK Andersen!
SD Bod:	I iz not gonin hoam afta all?
T AS-TA-NA:	RIDE U DOG!
SD Millar:	Look, see! J Vingegaard haz met teh TarmacTM!
N Boulting:	M Woods eh assault attack! Onoz! Shitverts!
Omnes:	U sed there wudn't b no MOAR shitverts!
N Boulting:	Soz…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap M Woods eh haz cort & past SK Andersen!
SD Millar:	M Kitteh-Neo leadin' teh chaes wif W Poels & I Montoya N Quintana! S Yates bidin' hiz tiem!
S Yates:	yeh.
SD Millar:	T Ineo$ settin' teh paec @ teh front ov teh shinyfroup until T Pogačar sent TUAE Emirates 2 kill them utterly 2 DETH!
N Boulting:	V Nibbles S Kruiswijk dropped! MVD Poel dropped!
SD Millar:	T Pogačar maek every1 suffa!
N Boulting:	WV Aert dropped! Bethany's Da… R Urán 2!
R Urán:	I woz havin' a siesta! C me get back in teh froup!
	Grams: Whooooosh!
SD Millar:	TG Hart tried 2 join in! T Pogačar wudn't let 'im! He mene biznis!
D Formolo:	I h8 this! C'n I stop now!
T Pogačar:	No. Kepe pedallin', scum!
N Boulting:	Still a lot ov this mntn left! T Pogačar still bhind MVD Poel on ti… T Pogačar assault attack! R Carapace go wif him!
Bethany (11):	Fckles!
T Pogačar:	I will kill u, R Carapace! Kill u 2 DETH! I's gonna pwn teh shinyjumper! 2DA!
R Carapace:	Shittens!
MVD Poel:	Oi! Spectidiot! Kepe both hands on ur umbrella!
SK Andersen:	O hai, T Pogačar! Ware TF did u come from?
M Woods:	\o/ Spottypwn eh!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! He mite even pwn teh staeg!
W Poels:	\o/ MOAR spottypoints!
SD Millar:	Teh tiem gaps @ teh end ov teh 1st weke shall b hyoooge! I, TV's Super D Millar, thus decree!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Castroviejo iz watin' 4 R Carapace!
R Carapace:	It ent ova until iz ova!
N Boulting:	M Woods eh iz takin' it ded EZ on teh descant! We'll haz MOAR shitverts b4 he hits teh Vol de la Colombière!
	[Sur teh Col de la Colombière]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap MVD Poel iz eleven (11) minits bak, WV Aert isn't, M Woods eh haz about a minit lead, T Pogačar iz jus' hittin' teh bottom ov teh mntn & R Carapace iz not losin' az much tiem as he mite ov, becoz J Castroviejo!
SD Millar:	Teh chas0rs 3 r closin' on M Woods eh! D Teuns I Izaguirre & S Yates! Shitvert tiem!
Omnes:	FFS!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap D Teuns hav dropped S Yates & I Izaguirre & iz catchin' M Woods eh!
SD Millar:	Niec idea bi M Woods eh but doomed 2 fale!
M Woods:	Onoz eh! Cort liek a Treen inna crashin' Sparcstation eh!
N Boulting:	WV Aert! He ate'nt DED! Altho he's not gonna pwn teh shinyjumper!
SD Millar:	Iz new stylee ov racin'! Glad I ent invlvd! Look, see! Teh cars haz bin pulled out ov teh gap b'tween T Pogačar & teh lead0rz!
N Boulting:	Crivvens! T Pogačar haz cort W Poels!
SD Millar:	5 (five) & a half minits in 12 km! He hav past S Yates!
S Yates:	yeh.
Omnes:	Coff! Coff! ["Fruit!" – Ed.] Get in, D Teuns & M Woods eh!
T Pogačar:	I c u, I Izaguirre!
D Teuns:	U can't c me, T Pogačar, but I ent watin' until u c'n!
M Woods:	Piss eh!
T Pogačar:	O hai, M Woods eh!
M Woods:	FFS eh!
D Teuns:	\o/ Spottypwn!
T Pogačar:	5" seconds ov bonerfications!
N Boulting:	WV Aert! He still ate'nt DED!
SD Millar:	Gr8 ride considerin' how hard he worked yesterda!
D Teuns:	Nose on teh handlebars & hem-hem in conjunction wif teh planet Jupita! Catch me iffen u c'n, T Pogačar!
T Pogačar:	No, ta! Doan wanna done a chute now!
N Boulting:	Look, see! I Izaguirre & M Woods eh haz cort T Pogačar agane!
SD Millar:	They ent gonna catch D Teuns now unless he dones a Crazy!
N Boulting:	Garstli wether! Saem 4cast 4 2moro onna staeg wif a mntn-top finish!
EC Boardman:	Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh yes!
N Boulting:	M Woods eh lookin' a bit betta now! Mite he pwn teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE 4 2nd?
SD Millar:	Onli iffen T Pogačar dunt drop 'im 1st!
D Teuns:	\o/
I Izaguirre:	\o/
M Woods:	\o/ eh!
T Pogačar:	Bonerfications? We doan need no steenkin' bonerfications!
	[Teh surviv0rz roll in W Poels S Yates G Martin A Papier-Peinture ect ect]
SD Millar:	R Carapace gotted cort bi teh froup wif Bethany's Da… R Urán in it!
WV Aert:	Thank fck that's ova! Still 2nd on GC!
	[…]
G Imlach:	& now we wates 4 teh rest ov teh pelican. And teh other pelican, iffen it still flies & catches fishies!
Omnes:	Will they aktualli finish b4 teh foopball starts LOL?
D Teuns:	Soopa amazin'!
Omnes:	Flippin' 'eck! R those ears real?
D Teuns:	Fck off!
NC Boardman:	Aceballs pwn 4 D Teuns!
G Imlach:	Gr8 team performance bi TB Victorinox! W Poels haz teh spottyjumper 2!
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, D Formolo!
D Formolo:	O hai! Best 4m ov defence iz assault attack! Soopa happi!
	[…]
Omnes:	Haz teh poids lourds finished yet?
G Imlach:	Not yet, no.
Omnes:	Yoicks!
N Boulting:	A Lutsenko up 2 3rd! Bethany's Da… R Urán 4th!
Bethany (11):	w00t!
G Imlach:	We'll be off ov teh air bi teh tiem teh stragglers roll in!
NC Boardman:	They haz about ten (10) minits! They ent gonna be sent hoam…
EC Boardman:	… but M Cavendish cud luse orl hiz snottypoints! Ahahahaha!
Omnes:	It's! Not! Funneh!
EC Boardman:	Oh! Yes! It! Iz!

[Mr Larrington]

(click to show/hide)

Alps. Rain. And cowbells!

B Dickinson: Yay!

[Pingu]

Today Tiny P informed us that knees are important in cycling. Thanks mate   

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 9: Cluzes —> Tignes

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! I am TV's G Imlach, teh man who maek K Dodd look liek I Macdonald ov Falklands Fame, such iz teh quantity ov LOLZ0RZ I emit! Wot a staeg yesterda, eh! T Pogačar! & doan menshn teh foopball!
NC Boardman:	T Pogačar! Foopball!
TP Kennaugh:	T Pogačar! Wot's this "foopball" ov which u speke? I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Omnes:	Coff! Coff! ["Fruit" – Ed.]!
G Imlach:	T Pogačar iz puttin' us pundits in teh queueueueue 4 redundancy! In fakt, teh hole Tour ov France iz doning that this yere!
Omnes:	Oi! Teh Mgt! Start wif chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh!
TP Kennaugh:	I h8 u all!
NC Boardman:	2da's staeg woz when it woz orl s'posed 2 kik off! Mntn-top finish, 5 categorated climbs inc. teh first ov wot TV's R Gilmore call "horse cat"!
G Imlach:	"Horse cat"? Sounds liek a genetic experiment gone 2 far hahahahahaha! Sumtiems I crack me up!
Omnes:
G Imlach:	Palestinians Philistines!
5:	Ai haven't seen a single horsey on teh entire race! Only a wretched llama! Do something or Ai'll get mai Daddy 2 buy teh colemantary Sheds & build overpriced starter hoams on them!
G Imlach:	We c'n only give u teh pikchas Frenchish TV sends us, u know! U'll haz 2 get ur old man 2 invade & conker la belle France!
5:	Huh! O hai, Bef'ny! Kwik, iz startin'!
Bethany (11):	O hai! & o hai 2 teh Yankee capitalist paper tigers who's birfda it iz 2da! May ur shareholder value decrease irreversibly, u lickspittle lackeys ov gangsta imperialism!
Omnes:	U missed "running dogs", Bethany (11)!
Bethany (11):	Every running dog haz hiz da! But not 2da LOL!
G Imlach:	I wish I'd sed that! 2da we visit Tinges, ware we would ov gone in 2019 had we not had SNO & landslides!
J Alaphilippe:	& just when I woz about 2 done a mitey assault attack on E Bernal, pwn teh staeg & teh raec pour l'honneur de France!
Bethany (11):	Stow it, ickle drumma-boi, or I's gonna set teh running dogs on u ha ha!
Omnes:	She's on fire 2da, G Imlach!
EC Boardman:	Liek a certain skool, no? Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
Bethany (11):	Oi, u! Outside, now!
EC Boardman:	As u wish!
	FX: howling wolves, anguished screaming
Omnes:	U left teh running dogs out there, no?
Bethany (11):	Mite ov…
G Imlach:	Let us repair 2 teh colemantary Sheds, wherein lurk *** & Super D, who shall attempt 2 maek sense ov a raec wot dunt maek no sense @ all!
Omnes:	TV's *** Boulting dunt maek much sense @ teh best ov tiems!
N Boulting:	I h8 u all!
Omnes:	Haz anyone goned hoam afta yesterda's shokka, chaps?
SD Millar:	P Roglič, accordin' 2 Radio Free Prudhomme!
P Roglič:	Bai!
Omnes:	& whom (grammer) mite pwn teh staeg 2da, in ur reknin?
SD Millar:	Op!on iz divided between T Pogačar 2 pwn it @ a canta & R Carapace 2 put hisself rite bak in it wif a stunnin' assault attack aided & abetted bi M Kwiatkowski!
Bethany (11):	U doan beleev a word ov that tripe, duz u, Super D? Honissly? It'll b sumwun we ent nevvah herd ov, liek N Peters last yere!
SD Millar:	This, ov course, remane a possibility…
N Boulting:	Y u not aks me about mi predicshun?
Bethany (11):	Coz ur a nidiot!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, MVD Poel! I here ur gonin' hoam!
MVD Poel:	O hai! Iz troo! I iz goin' hoam becoz I's gonna pwn teh 'lympic mntn biek raec! But next yere I's gonna go orl teh wa 2 teh Paris Paree! O yes indeedy!
SD Millar:	Top man! Announce 2 every1 not sneke off liek a ["disagreeable person" – Ed.] in teh nite!
Bethany (11):	Gud riddance! Wif him goned hoam & J Alaphilippe miles off ov teh top 10 maybe we c'n haz a bit ov rationality round 'ere!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar!
SD Millar:	T Pogačar!
Bethany (11):
N Boulting:	Look, see! Iz C Froome! Mite he b inna move 2da?
Omnes:	He mite move 2wards teh teme car wif a vue 2 gonin' hoam!
C Prudhomme:	[Flourishes fleg] Biek, u corpse-eyed puppets! I's gettin' back in mi car! Iz fukn freezin' out there!
SD Millar:	1st mntn is a odd 1. Spottypoints afta 2 & a bit km then it kepe on goin' up 4 seven (7) km!
B Cosnefroy:	I duz a assault attack! I haz unfinished bizniz wif teh spottyjumper!
N Boulting:	B Cosnefroy! Future ov T AG2R! R Bardet not here coz he doned teh Giro ov Italy!
M Pingu:	& then got stuck up teh lum?
SD Millar:	D Ballerina & H Sweeny assault attack! Look, see! They haz 15" seconds alredi!
D Friebe:	O hai, G Thomas!
G Thomas:	O hai! Hard!
D Friebe:	Y u not goned hoam!
G Thomas:	Dunno!
D Friebe:	Mite u still b able 2 help R Carapace in teh Pyra-knees?
G Thomas:	Dunno!
D Friebe:	& teh Oh-lim-picks?
G Thomas:	Dunno!
D Friebe:	Sumtiems I h8 this job!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Sallanches! Pourquoi ne pas visiter Sallanches pendant vos vacances l'année prochaine ? Voir sa fontaine de paix, son rond-point nommé d'après B Hinault, l'herbe qui est verte et le gendarme donnant un passage à tabac à un suspect?
Le Maire de Sallanches:	Nos flics ne battent pas les suspects pendant que les gens regardent, ***! Pas d'argent pour vous!
N Boulting:	Piss! We sent…
D Friebe:	O hai, D Martin!
D Martin:	O hai! Gr8 ried bi M Woods eh yesterda. 2da iz mi turn. Perhaps! We will c wot hapns!
D Friebe:
N Boulting:	Look, see! D Ballerina & H Sweeny r on teh 1st mntn!
SD Millar:	D Ballerina haz dropped H Sweeny alredi!
H Sweeny:	Shut it, u slags!
N Boulting:	TB Xchaeng set paec @ teh beek ov teh pelican! Thinkin' ov snottyjumper!
SD Millar:	Look, see! Teh sprint0rz r bein' dropped alredi! A Démare! He climb even worser'n C Ewan, wot iz goin' sum!
N Boulting:	M Cavendish! Haz teme-maets wif him! He'll b reet!
P Latour:	Wheeeee! C me zoom past H Sweeny & D Ballerina 2 pwn teh spottypoints!
I Montoya N Quintana:	P3!
SD Millar:	I think I Montoya N Quintana may b targettin' teh spottyjumper!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Super D haz fcked off 2 teh pubbe, teh git. I's joined bi chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh. How niec!
TP Kennaugh:	O hai! Look, see! S Colbrelli assault attack! He's from, er, Italy!
N Boulting:	Radio Free Prudhomme sez C Froome & R Porte haz bin dropped!
R Porte:	Did I tell u about teh tiem I abandoned teh…
Omnes:	Probably! Did it invlv a playg ov frogs, a eagle droppin' a tortoise on ur bonce or N Powerless' Mum?
R Porte:	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	Snottyjumper! Wide open coz M Cavendish dunt do mntns! Better 4 'im iffen S Colbrelli pwn teh snottysprint than M Matthews!
TP Kennaugh:	Neglect not J Alaphilippe! He mite still figga in teh snottycomp!
N Boulting:	Chute! E Mas!
E Mas:	Arse! A Valverde? Ur biek, plz!
A Valverde:	¡Ur welcome 2 it! ¿Which wa 2 teh Spaign-o?
S Colbrelli:	\o/ Snottypwn!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing haz bin cort! Iz 40-odd rid0rz ahead ov teh shinyfroup bi 2 minits! L'autobus iz @ 4 minits! Now u kno az much az we duz!
TP Kennaugh:	S Colbrelli! Y he assault attack agane? Any1 wud fink he woz from teh Isle ov Man!
S Colbrelli:	Onli wa 2 kepe warm!
M Rendell:	I Montoya N Quintana! K-nees! He hurted 'em when he felled over R Bardet last yere!
TP Kennaugh:	K-nees r important iffen u wanna ried a biek! U can't bend ur legses wifout 'em! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Omnes:
	[Sur le Col de Sais!es]
I Montoya N Quintana:	O hai! Mi naem iz I Montoya N Quintana! U maed disparaging remarkz about mi k-nees! Prepare 2 die!
M Woods:	Not so fast eh! I, M Woods, also haz spottyplans! Eh!
O Fraile:	Me 2!
B Dickinson:	Yay! Cowbell! MOAR plz!
W Poels:	I cock a snook @ ur so-called spottyplanz, I Montoya N Quintana & M Woods eh!
Omnes:	U fukn div! Iz still 6 & a 1/2 km 2 teh top ov teh mntn!
W Poels:	Oh! Nevvah mind!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Cows! Ent cows brilliant!
B Dickinson:	Wif cowbells! w00t!
NC Boardman:	Gonna be hard 4 M Cavendish 2da!
EC Boardman:	I rekn about 40 minits! Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh yes!
M Rendell:	Lots ov monsta descants 2da! Shud suit J Alaphilippe!
W Poels:	\o/ Spottypwn!
I Montoya N Quintana:	U sure?
W Poels:	Yes. Yes, I am.
I Montoya N Quintana:	Oh. Fckles!
M Rendell:	Teh shinyfroup iz six (6) minits down!
NC Boardman:	In this raec that's priti nere teh front LOL!
	[…]
NC Boardman:	[Teknikle Stuffs about wet descants]
SD Millar:	Look, see! W Poels & M Woods eh distanced on teh descant! Wile S Higuita BO Connor & L Hamilton iz not!
SL Hamilton:
Omnes:	No, dopey! No, not u!
	[Sur le Col du Pré]
M Rendell:	Look, see! M Woods eh haz cort teh lead0rz & W Poels haz not!
W Poels:	I h8 this! [Throws jacket on floor in R Dennis-stylee hissy fit]
Omnes:	Oooooooh! Tetchy!!1!
	[…]
N Boulting:	I'm baaaack! Did u miss me? Hic!
Bethany (11):	EZ, tiga! Ur birfda ent until next weke!
SD Millar:	Don't remind me!
N Boulting:	@ least iz teh da b4 teh 2nd rest da!
SD Millar:	Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Omnes:	Look, see! W Poels hav got bak on!
SD Millar:	BO Connor! Mite b up 2 2nd in teh GC iffen he kepe this up!
Omnes:	Who he?
BO Connor:	I pwned a staeg ov teh Giro last yere, u kno!
Omnes:	Who caem 2nd?
BO Connor:	H Pernsteiner! Also, I h8 u all!
N Boulting:	BO Connor iz within 1 (one) minit ov teh shinyjumper! Look, see! W Poels hav bin dropped agane!
SD Millar:	Yesterda willen ov took a lot out ov 'im!
W Poels:	I still h8 this!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wowsa! Radio Free Prudhomme sez N Peters & T Merlier haz goned hoam!
SD Millar:	Gud 4 M Cavendish! J Philipsen haz lost both hiz leadout menz!
N Boulting:	Look, see! WV Aert haz bin dropped!
SD Millar:	Cud force other temes 2 defend teh podium places TEFE Hippo T AS-TA-NA!
N Boulting:	Look, see! L Hamilton haz bin dropped bi teh lead0rz!
L Hamilton:	I h8 this!
N Boulting:	Virtual shinyjumper G Martin P3!
G Martin:	2 podium or not 2 podium? It duz not affect teh outcome ov history but iz betta 2…
Bethany (11):	Kepe usin' "podium" az a verb, G Martin & u will b herstory!
N Boulting:	Look, see! I Montoya N Quintana assault attack teh mntn!
M Woods:	Eh?
SD Millar:	& he shud gane MOAR tiem on teh descant in these conditions!
M Woods:	Fck, eh!
Omnes:	Look on teh brite side, M Woods eh! @ least u ent gonna b hassled bi a pist tw@ inna mankini!
I Montoya N Quintana:	\o/ Spottypwn!
	[On teh Cormet de Roselend]
N Boulting:	Look, see! S Higuita haz cort I Montoya N Quintana! & so haz BO Connor!
I Montoya N Quintana:	I c'n haz dry jumper?
SD Millar:	Crivvens! Even I Montoya N Quintana haz a rain jacket on now!
N Boulting:	Teh sp0ns0rz ent gonna liek it iffen I Montoya N Quintana pwns teh staeg in that jacket! No logos. On it!
N Klein:	w00t!
SD Millar:	BO Connor iz teh virtual shinyjumper!
N Boulting:	Nasti descant off ov teh Roselend!
SD Millar:	Sketchy!!1!
I Montoya N Quintana:	\o/ Spottypwn!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Vingegaard orl on hiz own in teh shinyfroup! TJ Visma runnin' out ov firepowwah, horsepowwah &, er… apart from S Kuss.
T Pogačar:	Wile I, T Pogačar, still haz a hole bunch ov mini0nz! & u idiots sed TUAE Emirates woz a Rubbish! Look, see! Even M Hirschi iz risen from teh gravy!
N Boulting:	Look, see! S Higuita & I Montoya N Quintana haz dropped BO Connor on teh descant!
BO Connor:	I may be daft but I ent teh Stupidz! Teh final mntn iz 21 km long! Also, I haz cort bak up!
N Boulting:	Shinyfroup 8 (eight) minits bhind @ teh top ov teh Roselend! & now we shal bombard u wif shitverts!
T Shitverts:	Buy! Buy ready meals from an assortment ov cocks & she-cocks a fone contract an electric pelican a usb fan! Buy a thing 4 making Stuffs hot! Do u haz a diseasel moto-car? Buy! Buy DingoVision! Spot teh ball & pwn a Audi! Watch idiots falling in water! Buy!
Omnes:	We despare 4 humanity!
N Boulting:	Look, see! S Higuita haz escaped!
SD Millar:	Iffen it iz this cold u cannot brake proppa!
N Boulting:	M Woods eh haz bin swept in2 teh pelican's sumwot less than mitey beek!
SD Millar:	He's feelin' teh cold!
Omnes:	He's Canadian! Iffen he's feelin' cold they ent gonna let 'im back into Canuckistan! Eh!
B McNulty:	Hullo clouds hullo sky hullo ditch! Whoopsie!
T Pogačar:	Eyes on teh road, B McNulty, u div!
	[Onto teh Montée de Tignes]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap BO Connor haz almost, tho not quite, cort S Higuita & I Montoya N Quintana!
SD Millar:	Good work, that man!
N Boulting:	He's a Orztrylian! Orl Orztrylians c'n tiem-trail! It's in their DNA!
TP Fairy:	O hai, boiz & grilz! Whom (grammer) shall I stab 2da? U, J Vingegaard! U shall haz mi tender ministrations! Stab!
J Vingegaard:	Piss!
Omnes:	Considerin' TUAE Emirates woz s'posed 2 b a Rubbish compared wif TJ Visma & T Ineo$ they ent donin' 2…
N Boulting:	Iffen I cud interrupt u jus' 4 a sec, I Montoya N Quintana wud apere 2 haz xploded!
I Montoya N Quintana:	O hai! Mi naem iz I Montoya N Quintana! U killed mi… [dies]
	[…]
Omnes:	Way 2 go wif ur timin' ov teh shitverts, ITV! Not.
Bethany (11):	This ^^^^! I ent got a credit ratin', I ent old enuff 2 drive & I doan wanna fukn donkey! Fck! Off!
T Pogačar:	Rite! Tiem 2 get stripped 4 akshun! O hai, motorbiek man! U wunt shinyjacket? Top kwality! Big zlotys on Ebay!
N Boulting:	Shinyfroup iz now onli 7 minits b'hind! BO Connor now 2nd!
D Formolo:	O hai, D Teuns! U want TUAE rain jacket? 1 careful pwner; never raecd or rallied bi anyone under 21? Big zlotys on Ebay!
D Teuns:	No.
N Boulting:	Look, see! BO Connor assault attack!
SD Millar:	WTF iz S Colbrelli donin' in teh froup wif G Martin M Kitteh-Neo ect ect?
N Boulting:	Snottypoints, innit! No-1 consider teh possibiliti ov a snottyjumper contender scorin' onna mntn staeg!
S Colbrelli:	I did!
M Cavendish:	U utter git, S Colbrelli! I will tuough u up 4 that, iffen it works!
	[…]
Omnes:	Plz! No MOAR shitverts!
N Boulting:	Onoz! G Martin! Biek chaeng!
G Martin:	Fck! Mi! Lck!
N Boulting:	BO Connor iz ganin' tiem on teh shinyfroup agane!
Omnes:	Yay! Get in, BO Connor!
N Boulting:	Mite T Pogačar lend teh shinyjumper 2 BO Connor 4 a bit?
SD Millar:	No-1 kno wot T Pogačar mite do in teh last 10 (ten) km!
N Boulting:	Look, see! G Thomas iz still in teh shinyfroup!
SD Millar:	& teh shinyfroup iz makin' tiem on teh froup wif G Martin! In it. 3rd iz A Lutsenko! No, iz still G Martin! No, iz… er, I'll come in agane, shall I? I Montoya N Quintana haz cort S Higuita!
N Boulting:	BO Connor bak in virtual shiny even b4 u factor in teh bonerfications!
Omnes:	Yay! Get in, BO Connor!
N Boulting:	Look, see! G Martin iz…
SD Millar:	Hold up! D Formolo haz xploded & T Ineo$ haz hit teh front ov teh shinyfroup!
N Boulting:	Bad news 4 BO Connor!
Omnes:	Nooooooooooooo!
N Boulting:	T Ineo$ ent goin' much faster'n BO Connor!
SD Millar:	Hoapfulli angry BO Connor will b angry & put hiz foot down!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar haz 0 fcks 4 shinyjumper! Iffen he wanted 2 luse it he cud just stop!
SD Millar:	Look, see! M Kitteh-Neo haz cort I Montoya N Quintana!
N Boulting:	Big presh on T Ineo$ 2 maek sure R Carapace get on podium!
SD Millar:	Do not liek! Spoilsports! Roters! Boooo! Gravy-suckin' pigswines!
N Boulting:	I Montoya N Quintana goin' backwuds!
BO Connor:	\o/ Spottypwn! Not that I caer!
N Boulting:	R Carapace assault attack! A Lutsenko dropped.
SD Millar:	T Pogačar counta-assault attack!
N Boulting:	Bethany's Da… R Urán assault attack teh remanes ov teh froup!
Bethany (11):	Yay! Go mi Da… R Urán!
BO Connor:	\o/ w00t!
ML Maire:	MOAR shitverts? FFS? I wanna kno how S Colbrelli, teh celebrated loonspud, gets on! Wnkrs?
Bethany (11):	Wotesed, onli wif mi Da… R Urán!
	[…]
M Kitteh-Neo:	\o/ P2!
S Colbrelli:	\o/ P3! Taek that, M Matthews & M Cavendish!
G Martin:	P4! Yay! Go me!
T Pogačar:	P6 & got bak 2 minits or so from BO Connor! Yay! Go me!
A Lutsenko:	That went well. Not. Piss!
Bethany (11):	Wot! About! Mi Da… R Urán?
ML Maire:	6'34" bhind, 30-odd seconds bhind T Pogačar. 3rd on Gee-See!
Bethany (11):	Ta, also yay! Go mi Da… R Urán!
	[…]
BO Connor:	Iz a dreme! So 'appi! Speshul 4 sure!
Omnes:	@ least he ent blubbin' liek a gril!
Bethany (11):	I! Heard! That!
Omnes:	Oops…
Bethany (11):	Dint I sa teh staeg wud b pwned bi sumwun I ent nevvah heard ov, eh? EH?!?!?
D Friebe:	O hai, G Thomas!
G Thomas:	Much betta 4 sure! Xtra coffee this mornin' LOL!
G Imlach:	Snottyjumper!
TP Kennaugh:	Chapeau 2 S Colbrelli! Workin' orl da 4 35 snottypoints!
G Imlach:	R Carapace?
NC Boardman:	Dint so much assault attack T Pogačar az lede him out LOL! T Ineo$ haz 2 work non-stop 4 'im in teh mntns, on acnt ov how Bethany's Da… R Urán c'n tiem-trail betta!
G Imlach:	So, teh end ov an amazeballs 1st weke ov teh Tour ov France! Rest da 2moz & we nede it az much az teh rid0rz! I's off 2 recharge mi rofflestore! C u next Tuesday!
5's Mummy:	That was uncalled-for, G Imlach!
G Imlach:	sozmissispoulidorfanshaw!

[Pingu]

Bingly-bongly cows