more insane management speak phrases

[Aidan]

Someone actually used the phrase " inversely busy"  to me yesterday to describe his department as quiet

[Tewdric]

This is a peach:

http://youtu.be/NTNlRjx0H1M

The only sad bit being that the woman is now the head of HMRC....

[Euan Uzami]

just had an email from a recruitment agent 'we are looking to on-shore a new team"

"on-shore"..    is that a verb??!! 

[SteveC]

just had an email from a recruitment agent 'we are looking to on-shore a new team"

"on-shore"..    is that a verb??!! 

We have "on-boarding" -- I wonder if it means the same thing?

[hatler]

On-boarding is what happens immediately after someone has been recruited.

On-shoring is putting a team of people together here as opposed to somewhere cheaper.

[Andrij]

I work with an organisation that uses the term "on-boarding" when referring to bringing on new clients to use their services. Whenever I hear/see it I can't help but think of 'water-boarding' and that the latter would often be much more interesting / appropriate.

[drossall]

On-shoring is putting a team of people together here as opposed to somewhere cheaper.

Doesn't on-shoring involve reversing the previous off-shoring exercise?

[hatler]

On-shoring is putting a team of people together here as opposed to somewhere cheaper.

Doesn't on-shoring involve reversing the previous off-shoring exercise?

I've heard it used where there had been no previous off-shoring. But you're right, it should logically follow off-shoring.

[mattc]

http://stevenpoole.net/blog/who-touched-base-in-my-thought-shower/

[Jaded]

Systematise.

Just heard it in a talk on online marketing.  It must be working because I am online during it...

[Jaded]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-27512405

[T42]

Gawd, just glancing through this thread gives me that horrible, browned-off cold-tea stale-biscuits four-o'clock-of-a-November-afternoon feeling.  I'm thankful that most of the software-marketing meetings I ever attended were carried out in German: at least it wasn't my language they were trashing.

Fun was when we had US subcontractors present & our marketing manager spoke English.  He always confused the words button and bottom. "We haff a row of bottoms on top of the screen" etc.

[GrahamG]

LOL, it's only just occurred to me, I've been working for a trade union for the last couple of years and there is almost no bullshit bingo speak - on the one or two occasions I've heard someone say 'touch base' they've had sideways glances like they've just farted.

[Bledlow]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-27512405

Alistair Cooke, broadcaster of Letter from America, remembered a choice phrase from World War Two, during a meeting of commanders in General Eisenhower's headquarters in London.

An American colonel said: "How many ICPs have been counted?"

"What," asked Winston Churchill, "are ICPs?"

"Impaired combatant personnel, sir."

"Never let me hear that detestable phrase again. If you're talking about British troops, you will refer to them as wounded soldiers."

Alistair Cooke concluded: "Muddy language proceeds from muddy minds."

[Jacomus]

Email trail regarding short (5 slide) presentation.

Email 1

Hi Jacs,

Please would you intensify the verbiage and revert.

Thanks
$Person

Email 2

Hi $Person,

Please clarify what parts you are referring to and what exactly you are requesting I do to it.

Thanks,
J

Email 3

It's simple: make it more complex.

 

[Oscar's dad]

^^^ Words fail me.

[spesh]

Email 3

It's simple: make it more complex.

 

Per your sig...


                                         _________
                                 , -‘”                   ``~ ,
                          , -”                                   “- ,
                       ,/                                              ”:,
                  ,?                                                     \,
                  /                                                        ,}
                 /                                                    ,:`^` }
               /                                                  ,:”       /
             ?      __                                        :`       /
              /__ (     “~-,_                            ,:`          /
            /(_    ”~,_        “~,_                   ,:`        _/
          {  _$;_     ”=,_       “-,_      , -~-,},  ~”; /      }
          ((     *~_       ”=- _     “;,, /`    /”        /       /
            \`~,      “~ ,                    `     }              /
           (    `=-,,       `                        (      ;_,,-”
            / `~,      `-                               \    /\
            \`~ *-,                                    |, /     \,__
,,_          } >- _\                                   |              `=~-,
     `=~-,_\_      `\,                                 \
                   `=~-,, \,                               \
                                `:,,                           `\              __
                                     `=-,                   ,%`>--==``
                                        _\           _,-%        `


Does your colleague have pointy hair, or is he actually Cthulhu in disguise, intent on stealing everybody's sanity?

Joking aside, actually wanting presentation slides to made less comprehensible suggests an intent to deceive the audience...

[Kim]

That's an exciting new meaning of 'revert'... 

[ian]

My corporate presentations now feature a Klingon with the catchphrase 'eat my toast, muthaf*cker' and a cat who finds tweeting ignominious.



It's all part of my campaign of corporate disorientation (this presentation was based on Reservoir Dogs). I've created a stick figure universe to replace my previous mustelids with post-it notes experience. They'll be back, I'm sure.

[David Martin]

I prepare my slides using the XKCD comic generator. It makes them so much more comprehensible and hip with the audience.

[ian]

I prepare my slides using the XKCD comic generator. It makes them so much more comprehensible and hip with the audience.

You probably can't tell, but I draw mine myself.

I dropped out of O Level art quite early. It was either this or become a tattoo artist.

They're actually bleed over from another project, other than the Klingon and the cat, who are new to this enterprise.

You know that you can only say 'hip' ironically. It's one of the few words in the English language that is self-ironising. The other one is 'innovative'.

[LEE]

I think many of these words and phrases are perfectly acceptable so long as they are left in the meeting room and do not make it into the Pub.

"Downsizing" would be an inappropriate term to request half a pint.

"Paradigm Shift"should never be used to suggest trying Pear Cider instead of Bitter.

However..in the above examples it would be acceptable to use "Leverage" if you were "Leveraging someone about the head"  (with a big metal lever) for using such bullshit in the pub.

[perpetual dan]

Hi Jacs,

Please would you intensify the verbiage and revert.

Thanks
$Person

Select-all, bold (or maybe italic caps?), undo I'd have thought. I guess you need to have track changes on to show that you've actually done what was asked.

However..in the above examples it would be acceptable to use "Leverage" if you were "Leveraging someone about the head"  (with a big metal lever) for using such bullshit in the pub.

Surely leverage is what is required to get back up after too much of the aforementioned pear cider perry? 

[arabella]

That's an exciting new meaning of 'revert'... 

Often used by my offshore overseas colleagues.
I alo used to work with one that used 'report' (ie rapportare) for postpone.
The joys of ESOL.

I can understand each individual word that comes out of $YourUKColleage's mouth, but I've no idea what he means they way he puts them together.

(UKColleague being 2-3 layers higher up the greasy pole).

[mattc]

They're actually bleed over from ...

?!?