more insane management speak phrases

[Cudzoziemiec]

I've just been reading some James Thurber about this trend in the first half of the 20th century. The main offenders he identified back then were politicians, but the process is the same. He has a great name for it: carcinomenclature.

He also identifies the need for a new profession to treat those exposed to these phrases. "The psychosemanticists' job will be to cope with the psychic trauma caused by linguistic meaninglessness, to prevent the language from degenerating into gibberish, and to save the sanity of persons threatened by the onset of polysyllabic monstrositis."

[ElyDave]

not insane management speak today, but inane procedure speak.

I read it three times and didn't understand it, but I'm pretty sure they've not done what I think they said they were going to do

[rogerzilla]

We had a refreshing internal comm that strongly suggested not using wankwords like "blue sky thinking" and "touch base", giving plain English alternatives to use instead.

The next circular from senior management was full of Gus Hedges-speak again

I'll just leave this here.  It is about 20 years old:

http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/ww-print.html

[spesh]

Kelly Johnson, legendary Skunk Works founder, sent out this epic management memo to staff in 1963, complaining about "idiot charts" and the use of phrases like "value engineering". Note the shade thrown at Pratt & Whitney in the penultimate paragraph.

image of memo: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C7jL58rV4AAxY5n.jpg:large

source: https://twitter.com/FG_STrim/status/844649138478231552

[Jakob W]

Nice; someone I once worked with still had copies of a series of similar memos from when he had worked for de Havilland in the 50s. He'd show these to his junior staff to give them guidance on what their reports and memos should look like.

[fuzzy]

Uplift to pay scales.

A fucking pay rise you morons. We have a term fior it. Use it.

[Cudzoziemiec]

We had a refreshing internal comm that strongly suggested not using wankwords like "blue sky thinking" and "touch base", giving plain English alternatives to use instead.

The next circular from senior management was full of Gus Hedges-speak again

I'll just leave this here.  It is about 20 years old:

http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/ww-print.html

Kelly Johnson, legendary Skunk Works founder, sent out this epic management memo to staff in 1963, complaining about "idiot charts" and the use of phrases like "value engineering". Note the shade thrown at Pratt & Whitney in the penultimate paragraph.

image of memo: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C7jL58rV4AAxY5n.jpg:large

source: https://twitter.com/FG_STrim/status/844649138478231552

I think a lot of those have gone from management bullshit talk to everyday business speak, such as the bottom line, and some such as win-win and proactive have become established as everyday phrases.

The one I hear all the time (not on those charts) is "Give me some colour on... ". It seems nobody can ask "Tell me more about..."

[fuzzy]

We had a refreshing internal comm that strongly suggested not using wankwords like "blue sky thinking" and "touch base", giving plain English alternatives to use instead.

The next circular from senior management was full of Gus Hedges-speak again

I'll just leave this here.  It is about 20 years old:

http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/ww-print.html

Kelly Johnson, legendary Skunk Works founder, sent out this epic management memo to staff in 1963, complaining about "idiot charts" and the use of phrases like "value engineering". Note the shade thrown at Pratt & Whitney in the penultimate paragraph.

image of memo: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C7jL58rV4AAxY5n.jpg:large

source: https://twitter.com/FG_STrim/status/844649138478231552

I think a lot of those have gone from management bullshit talk to everyday business speak, such as the bottom line, and some such as win-win and proactive have become established as everyday phrases.

The one I hear all the time (not on those charts) is "Give me some colour on... ". It seems nobody can ask "Tell me more about..."

Time to beat them about the head with a 10 litre tin of paint I think.

[Andrew Br]

Not new and not even surprising.
We had a Xmas video sent to us to * thank us for our efforts to keep the business moving forward, yadda, yadda.
The droid on video introduced himself (blah, blah, blah) and then said "and you all work for me at the end of the day".
No mate.
At the end of the day, I go home

Highlight of the presentation was that we're going to get a new uniform

* I was going to put "obviously" in there because that's what manglement would do but, since it's "obvious", you wouldn't need to say it .......

[Cudzoziemiec]

New uniform, new boots, new heels to click? Or maybe not.

I've just survived my son's school parents evening. There were posters in the corridors with slogans like "Diversity of success" and "A happy learning community". He said, completely unprompted, "Those posters are totally meaningless".

[ian]

The school I walk past has an Executive Leadership Team.

[joy of essex]

Why must data  be " granular". 

[ElyDave]

it doesn't have to be, it can also be aggregated, rolled up ...

[Tim Hall]

Please re-confirm your office address where we are trying to zero in on 27th afternoon , which is right after we reach London.

I feel like a target. 

"Dear The Management. I am unable to zero in on the 27th, right after you reach London, as first I'm taking Manhattan then I think I'm taking Berlin the day after."

[Ham]

Please re-confirm your office address where we are trying to zero in on 27th afternoon , which is right after we reach London.

I feel like a target. 

"Dear The Management. I am unable to zero in on the 27th, right after you reach London, as first I'm taking Manhattan then I think I'm taking Berlin the day after."

<Hands Tim his blue raincoat>

[mattc]

I was recently accused in a meeting of creating a "Straw Man". 

What the manager meant, was that I'd written a framework/outline/template/thingy of the new procedure. I chose not to take offence, as no one else seemed to notice ...

[Cudzoziemiec]

In a refreshing change, I've just heard one CEO say "We have achieved, I think, in our opinion, most of what we put as milestones over the last fifteen years." It's a shame this was probably due to English not being his first language rather than an outbreak of honesty or humbleness.

[HTFB]

Why must data  be " granular".

There is granular data and there are data cubes. You can also get soft brown data, which seems to be most of it.

[meddyg]

I've just survived my son's school parents evening. There were posters in the corridors with slogans like "Diversity of success" and "A happy learning community". He said, completely unprompted, "Those posters are totally meaningless".

Psalms 8:2, "Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength"

[Zipperhead]

I've got a meeting invite from a project manager, the title reads...

"Regular space to align on ***** deployment requirements"

I shan't even bother the click on decline.

[Deano]

Brunel Total Ground Transportation

It's a cab company.

[Sergeant Pluck]

"We endorse the Minimum Viable Product route" .

When I first read that (yes, it's from IT), I thought "That means the shittiest available thing that will just about do". Helpfully, in brackets after the above, the author explained the term. It means "the shittiest available thing that will just about do".

Apparently, such an endorsement is "believed to find favour in the current climate".

[Kim]

I'd say that comes under "remarkably honest management speak phrases".

A bit like that recent Virgin tweet.

[Jakob W]

Minimum Viable Product isn't necessarily​ 'the shittiest available thing that will do' though, is it? Sometimes it's 'the most basic feature set that will do the job, and so can be made actually reliable, as opposed to the buggy feature-bloated monsters we usually end up with once everyone has stuck their oar in and demanded their favourite hobby-horses'...

[drossall]

+1. It can help you to understand what is really needed, and what are optional extras. It can also help in ensuring that a sound basis is built, delivering the core, to which more can be added.