I've been told that evil scientists have figured out a way to condense and crystallise the miasma that surrounds Tottenham. This substance, in it's pure most foetid form, is called Edmonton. It's like plutonium but without the happy-go-lucky warming personality. It's the place where kebabs go to die.
I'm trying to remember Derby. It's like a blur in my mind, like someone has been rubbing it in an effort to make it clearer and failed. Nottingham's chief claim to desirability was that wasn't Derby, of course. I'm not falling for Leicester being nice. Ever notice how trains sit in the station for an age? That's because they lose the will to live too. It's the vortex.
Yate is a bit Boschian, though with more discarded supermarket trolleys.
Good lord, is everywhere awful? I'll stand up for Sheffield. Sure the city centre is now all pawn shops and payday loans, and Meadowhall hangs off it like a vampire, but hey I like it. And someone messed with my memory and made parts of Liverpool look posh. Manchester is still poo though. It's not cool, it's Manchester.