The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[trickedem]

If you are dismantling the u-bend under your kitchen sink, don't pour the contents of said u-bend down the sink

[citoyen]

If you are dismantling the u-bend under your kitchen sink, don't pour the contents of said u-bend down the sink

If it's any consolation, you are definitely not the first person to do that. DAMHIKT

[T42]

...And make sure everyone in the vicinity knows not to as well.  The Inlaw Maw did this while the Inlaw Paw was still underneath.

[nuttycyclist]

If you are dismantling the u-bend under your kitchen sink, don't pour the contents of said u-bend down the sink

If it's any consolation, you are definitely not the first person to do that. DAMHIKT

It doesn't matter how many times I say "I must not do that again" and put the plug in, I still forget.

[Kim]

I try to have a bowl underneath to catch the drips when I undo the trap tip the contents back down the sink.

[Basil]

If you are dismantling the u-bend under your kitchen sink, don't pour the contents of said u-bend down the sink

If it's any consolation, you are definitely not the first person to do that. DAMHIKT

I was going to say "+1", but that would sound like I've only done it once.

[MattH]

Don't google for milf conversion while you are on a conference call.

Many years ago we were doing some stuff at work around the DISC personality profile thing that was being used as part of the recruitment process.
A rather sweet, innocent young lady was putting together a presentation on each of the D I S C personality aspects, up on the projector. When we got to the end with words in place, she started working backwards with doing google image search to put in pictures on each slide to illustrate the concepts rather than have a bland presentation.

Conscientiousness - no problem
Steadyness - ok
Influence - fine

Here's a top tip she learnt that day. Don't do an image search for Dominance when you are projecting to a room full of people 

[Neil C]

I was going to say "+1", but that would sound like I've only done it once.

+1

[Ashaman42]

If you notice there's a major ant incursion along the bottom of the patio door don't pull out the old silicone sealant that they're getting past before you check whether your unopened tube has dried up in the tube and set into a solid lump.

Now it's just easier for the ants to get in.

And I really really don't want to walk down to B&Q.

[JonBuoy]

I had an annoying once-per-pedal-rev tick on the MTB.  For no good reason I decided that it was probably the HT2 bottom bracket so removed the chainset and the non-drive side did indeed feel ever so slightly rough.  The surprisingly expensive replacement that I ordered arrived this morning and was fitted within the hour.  A quick test ride showed that the tick was still there 

I then spent a good 30 seconds tightening the pedals and another quick test ride was tickless.

This isn't the first time that it has taken me ages to track down a noise from a loose pedal 

[T42]

Posting on behalf of our local council, who saw fit to publish the dates for our regional elections and the address of our polling station, but not the opening and closing times.

[Jayjay]

Started to add cranberry juice drink to my porridge oats this morning instead of the milk.
I did, for a moment, consider making the porridge thus, then decided that experiment could wait until another time, when I wasn't so hungry and eager for proper oatyness.

[Kim]

Today I have discovered that my Sennheiser in-ear headphones are surprisingly washing-machine resistant.

[nuttycyclist]

Today I have discovered that my Sennheiser in-ear headphones are surprisingly washing-machine resistant.

The biggest question is whether your ears are clean and did your hair come out as well as intended?

[Kim]

Today I have discovered that my Sennheiser in-ear headphones are surprisingly washing-machine resistant.

The biggest question is whether your ears are clean and did your hair come out as well as intended?

Wot?

[Arminius]

I think that nutty has (non-seriously) inferred that you were wearing them when they went through the washing machine.

[nuttycyclist]

Indeed.

I forget sometimes that my sense of humour doesn't always come across in written media, especially when I have a surreal image in my head and forget that others don't.

[Salvatore]

I had an annoying once-per-pedal-rev tick on the MTB.  For no good reason I decided that it was probably the HT2 bottom bracket so removed the chainset and the non-drive side did indeed feel ever so slightly rough.  The surprisingly expensive replacement that I ordered arrived this morning and was fitted within the hour.  A quick test ride showed that the tick was still there 

I then spent a good 30 seconds tightening the pedals and another quick test ride was tickless.

This isn't the first time that it has taken me ages to track down a noise from a loose pedal 

Decades ago I was touring in Scotland, and an intermittent click, once per pedal revolution, was really annoying me. One day it was absent, on the next day it returned. Sometimes I could hear it in the morning but it would be gone by the afternoon. On a campsite in Perthshire I took off the cranks and adjusted the bottom bracket. I made sure there was no play in the pedals. I checked my cleats. I massaged my knee. The next morning I convinced myself that I had somehow fettled the click away, but it returned in the afternoon. Only later when I realised that the click only occurred during or straight after rain did I track down the cause - the plastic toggle on the drawstring of my rain jacket was swinging in time with my pedalling and hitting the top tube. D'Oh!

[matthew]

I had an annoying once-per-pedal-rev tick on the MTB.  For no good reason I decided that it was probably the HT2 bottom bracket so removed the chainset and the non-drive side did indeed feel ever so slightly rough.  The surprisingly expensive replacement that I ordered arrived this morning and was fitted within the hour.  A quick test ride showed that the tick was still there 

I then spent a good 30 seconds tightening the pedals and another quick test ride was tickless.

This isn't the first time that it has taken me ages to track down a noise from a loose pedal 

Decades ago I was touring in Scotland, and an intermittent click, once per pedal revolution, was really annoying me. One day it was absent, on the next day it returned. Sometimes I could hear it in the morning but it would be gone by the afternoon. On a campsite in Perthshire I took off the cranks and adjusted the bottom bracket. I made sure there was no play in the pedals. I checked my cleats. I massaged my knee. The next morning I convinced myself that I had somehow fettled the click away, but it returned in the afternoon. Only later when I realised that the click only occurred during or straight after rain did I track down the cause - the plastic toggle on the drawstring of my rain jacket was swinging in time with my pedalling and hitting the top tube. D'Oh!

Don't ask me how long it took to identify the cause of the intermittent click from my cranks. Eventually I realised it only happened when on the granny ring and that the tail of the gear cable was catching the crank for a tick each rotation of the pedals.

[ian]

Clambering over a wet stile at the weekend, I turned to say something to my wife, and promptly my feet slid out from underneath , depositing me hard on the clackety wood. Which then bounced me into a pile of brambles. As I lay there, in sweary contemplation and a puddle, a horse fly landed on my hand and, without preamble, bit me.

[Beardy]

I got bitten by a horse fly over the weekend, but my fast reactions in flicking it off saved me much anguish. Mind ewe, I’d probably have done less damage had I realised the steel ruler I had in my hand and this used, had very sharp edges 

[Kim]

I think that nutty has (non-seriously) inferred that you were wearing them when they went through the washing machine.

And I was non-seriously inferring my ears weren't clean, in response...

[Mr Larrington]

I had an annoying once-per-pedal-rev tick on the MTB.  For no good reason I decided that it was probably the HT2 bottom bracket so removed the chainset and the non-drive side did indeed feel ever so slightly rough.  The surprisingly expensive replacement that I ordered arrived this morning and was fitted within the hour.  A quick test ride showed that the tick was still there 

I then spent a good 30 seconds tightening the pedals and another quick test ride was tickless.

This isn't the first time that it has taken me ages to track down a noise from a loose pedal 

Decades ago I was touring in Scotland, and an intermittent click, once per pedal revolution, was really annoying me. One day it was absent, on the next day it returned. Sometimes I could hear it in the morning but it would be gone by the afternoon. On a campsite in Perthshire I took off the cranks and adjusted the bottom bracket. I made sure there was no play in the pedals. I checked my cleats. I massaged my knee. The next morning I convinced myself that I had somehow fettled the click away, but it returned in the afternoon. Only later when I realised that the click only occurred during or straight after rain did I track down the cause - the plastic toggle on the drawstring of my rain jacket was swinging in time with my pedalling and hitting the top tube. D'Oh!

The annoying rattle while traversing bumpy roads* on my Kingcycle was eventually traced to the bracelet of my watch…

* Which, in London’s famous London, is approximately all of them

[T42]

Indeed.

I forget sometimes that my sense of humour doesn't always come across in written media, especially when I have a surreal image in my head and forget that others don't.

As when I was struck the other day by the fact that my eTrex showed 33°C when I was riding in a 30 limit, but there were no police around so I risked it. When I mentioned it later nobody laughed.

[ian]

I got bitten by a horse fly over the weekend, but my fast reactions in flicking it off saved me much anguish. Mind ewe, I’d probably have done less damage had I realised the steel ruler I had in my hand and this used, had very sharp edges 

I tried sarcasm. Oh really, you're going to do now? Yes, apparently. Horse flies do not respect the rhetorical arts. Now, added to my injuries, which look like I tried to arm-wrestle a garden strimmer, is a large itchy lump on my hand.

The worst bit was pulling off my trousers when we got home about eight hours later, the blood from my leg had dried and essentially welded the fabric to the stile-imparted injury, so it had to torn free like velcro, if half of it were skin and scab and the rest comprised screaming. I made a noise like a distressed steam train when finally in the shower. Now a massive purple bruise that I'm looking forward to showing off at the pool.