G Imlach: | O hai! I am TV's G Imlach & ur welcome. 2 teh Kween Staeg ov teh Tour ov France! E John singed about a feelin' insied bein' a litle bit funneh but iz 0 compaerd wif wot I haz evry da roffle! Teh big newz0rz since last nite iz that E Bernal haz goned hoam! |
E Bernal: | I, E Bernal, h8 this and iz there4 goin' hoam! |
D Martin: | U gr8 ponce, E Bernal! |
G Thomas [via Pubnet]: | Wotesed!!1! |
SD Brailsford: | We hazter fookin' luke afta 'im! He's jus' a fookin' nippa! |
G Thomas [via Pubnet]: | Y u not maek me go hoam when I gotted b0rked teh otha yere? |
SD Brailsford: | 'coz ur a) fookin' Welsh & b) fookin' expendable! |
G Thomas [via Pubnet]: | & u still wunt me 2 ried teh Giro ov Italy, amirite? |
SD Brailsford: | |
Bethany (10): | Iz teh naem “Kween Staeg” yet anuvva xampl ov teh evryda sexism we haz 2 put up wif from teh lieks ov C Prudhomme? |
G Imlach: | Iz teh Kween Staeg becoz iz teh bigliest & moast signiffcnt staeg ov teh raec, liek EO Aquitaine! |
Bethany (10): | O RLY? |
EO Aquitaine: | YA RLY! NE 1 wot corl it “King Staeg” iz riskin' havin' there hed chopt off & put onna spiek! |
Bethany (10): | Kewl! I wanna b liek EO Aquitaine when I groz up, onli wif a gnu! |
Omnes: | Gnus r bad, Bethany (10)! |
Bethany (10): | Not iffen they maek teh patriarky do az there tole, they ent! O hai, 9 mm parabellum, mete teh bak ov teh patriarky's nek LOLZ0RZ! |
Omnes: | [Decieds 2 b MOAR caerful in futur…] |
G Imlach: | When ur kwite finnish, teh route 2da hav 2 Horse Cat climbs & ma in fakt decied teh pwner ov teh Tour ov France long b4 teh tiem-trail on teh Ironing Board Ov Teh Priti Grilz. We sent ect… |
K Räikkönen: | I's kwite Finnish ba-dum tish! |
Omnes: | No, K Räikkönen, ur a LOT Finnish! Bak in ur box! |
K Räikkönen: | I h8 u all! |
D Friebe: | Clere off, u lot! I's s'post 2 b donin' interviewz0rz wif sum ov teh rid0rz ect! Krist knos y thobut! U fckrs useta accues me ov bein' a big peece ov wood but teh onli 1 ov this lot wot dunt respond wif “very 'ard 4 sure we will c taek it da bi da full gas crazy 4 sure” iz A Yates, an' thass onli coz noone kno wot he's sayin' @ all! |
Omnes: | Dint u get a priti gud interviewz0r off ov G Thomas' biek in 2018, D Friebe? U cud tri that agane… |
D Friebe: | I did. Moast ov them maek A Yates sound liek TV's J Lumley! & I think TD Gendt's biek iz aktually carniverus! |
TD Gendt: | U jus' havter sho 'em whose teh boss! Altho I dunt go in mi Sheds wifout a horsewip a bentwood chare & T Wellens… |
A Yates: | yehreelytuffer. ersoopastepeyeh. erimportant4sureer. yehrporteplz2gosloer. yeh. |
R Porte: | Cheeki fckr! |
P Roglič: | Full gas 4 sure soopa tuff 4 sure! |
D Friebe: | C wot I mene! |
NC Boardman: | Longest highest stepest climb ov teh Tour! Teh raec will b in peeces! |
EC Boardman: | Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | O hai! Teh C Boardmen is rite! T Pogačar's Tour ov France maek or braek! I haz a map! [Indicates map…] Here! Teh bitstepefulness ov it iz triffic! |
SD Millar: | O hai! Look, see! Here iz a vid ov T Pogačar donin' ova evry1 xept P Roglič onna climb ov simla stepefulness on teh Vuelta ov Spaign-o! |
N Boulting: | Will b teh awsum 2 watch… |
G Imlach: | …& fukn horble 2 ried! |
EC Boardman: | I am donin' teh sumz0rz 4 teh autobus alredi! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! FL Shopkeeper iz bak in teh shiny shiny red motacar! |
FL Shopkeeper: | O hai! I taeks pikcha! [Takes picture] Wot duz this buton do? |
Omnes: | Doan press that wun! It turns teh sadle ov M Kwiatkowski's biek in2 a anti-personle mine! |
FL Shopkeeper: | Whoopsie! |
M Kwiatkowski: | Ooooohmebum! |
N Boulting: | We'll haz sum shitverts wile teh paramedix rebuild M Kwiatkowski… |
Les Paramedix: | It iz teh reverse ov disassembli, non? |
| […] |
FL Shopkeeper: | Rite! Off u fck! [Waevs fleg, poaks P Rolland in ear'ole…] |
N Boulting: | P Rolland will b on 1 2da! Spottyjumper! |
SD Millar: | M Trentin will also b on 1 2da! Snottyjumper! |
N Boulting: | Unushul 2 c sumwun havter defend teh snottyjumper! |
M Trentin: | Roffle! Wile S Bennett & CP Sagan mark each otha I, M Trentin, shall… |
S Bennett: | O no, m8, we's wotchin' u 2! |
| [Pre-break titting about…] |
SD Millar: | Teh 45 minit rool appli! |
TD Gendt: | I corl ur 45 minit rool a rong thing, Super D Millar! |
SD Millar: | Iz alwaze 1! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh Abbaye Notre-Dame-de-Chalais! They maek… BISCUITS!!1! Dunno wot sort ov biskits, mind! |
SD Millar: | Disappointing. |
N Boulting: | Innit. Mite we c M Hirschi on 1 2da? |
SD Millar: | Yes. No. Maybe. |
N Boulting: | R u from teh Isle ov Man, perchance? |
SD Millar: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! |
N Boulting: | CP Sagan biek chaeng! M Trentin assault attack! Norti! |
M Trentin: | [Wissles inosentli…] |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wile u woz bein’ sold crap TD Gendt haz finali poaked teh switch markd “Beest Moad” & fckd off! 25 secondz! |
Omnes: | Yay! Go TD Gendt! |
TD Gendt: | Nah, I's jus' windin' 'em up LOLZ0RZ! |
SD Millar: | Big froup haz cort TD Gendt & haz 20 secondz on teh pelican! |
N Boulting: | TEFE First haz not got a rid0r in teh break! |
SD Millar: | T Moviestar haz not got a rid0r in teh break either! |
T Moviestar’s AI: | +++ ¡M SOLER, ATAQUE A ESA PELICANA! +++ |
M Soler: | Yeth mathter! |
Omnes: | Crivvens! T Moviestar’s AI in maek sense horra! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! M Soler assault attack haz cort teh break & we haz 5 up teh rode! |
N Boulting: | A Greipel iz in trubz0rz alredi! |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
A Greipel: | Fck! Off! |
SD Millar: | M Soler D Martinez V Madouas chaes J Alaphilippe R Carapace G Izaguirre L Kämna & D Martin. & fale! |
5's Mummy: | Oh, jolly good show, D Martin! |
D Martin: | fankoomissispouli… Syrah! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Iffen ur wondrin' ware Le Roi C Prudhomme I woz this mornin', he's goned 2 mete E Macrobe, wot iz teh M le Président! U must ov met a few M les Présidents, Super D, non? |
SD Millar: | M les Présidents dunt tork 2 rid0rz! Xept 2 teh staeg pwnz0rz! |
N Boulting: | U pwned a few staegs, thobut! |
SD Millar: | M les Présidents onli tork 2 pwnz0rz ov teh Kween Staeg! |
N Boulting: | Snottysprint Sprint SPRINTEEE! |
J Alaphilippe: | \o/ C'est pour l’honneur de France, or sumfink! |
N Boulting: | Wif D Impey inna futile chaes 6 rid0rz haz alredi gotted snottypoints… |
S Bennett: | \o/ Pwnage! |
M Mørkøv: | Pwned u, CP Sagan. Agane… |
CP Sagan: | Piss! |
M Trentin: | Arse! |
| […] |
M Rendell: | O hai! Mi blong sieg heil! |
Omnes: | Hit 'im wif ur shoe, Niec C! |
TP Kennaugh: | Y can’t I hit 'im? I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
Omnes: | Ur shooz r kiddiwink siez, Tiny P! They wudn’t wurk! |
TP Kennaugh: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! |
M Rendell: | D Impey haz bene swep bak in2 teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! |
NC Boardman: | & teh breakfroupthing iz workin' from teh saem script az yesterda! |
B Cosnefroy: | [Waevs @ camera] O hai! Mi last da in teh spottyjumper! |
NC Boardman: | 1/2 teh remainin' spottypointz r on 2da's staeg! |
TP Kennaugh: | Y not TB Hansgrohe target teh spottyjumper now CP Sagan iz fuXX0red? |
Omnes: | Becoz they ent from teh Isle ov Man? |
NC Boardman: | Al-OOOOO-vial plains! |
M Rendell: | Plainz0rz from floodin'! |
TP Kennaugh: | Y u use teh long wurdz, Niec C? I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
NC Boardman: | Mite b thunderstormz0rz l8r! |
EC Boardman: | LOLZ0RZ! Roffle! Oh yes! |
| […] |
M Rendell: | Wile u woz bein’ sold crap 0 haz hapnd xept teh break now haz 5 minits! We sent ect… |
D Friebe: | O hai! O hai, M Wite! |
M White: | O hai! TJ Visma strangl teh raec. Noone assault attack b4 last 5 km! Al-ti-tude! |
M Rendell: | Al-ti-tude! R Carapace! He’s from Equadoor! 3100 metas! 2da iz liek teh Nether Regionz 4 him! Niec C, speke 2 us ov al-ti-tude! |
NC Boardman: | [Physiology Stuffs…] |
TP Kennaugh: | I dint unnerstan a wurd ov that! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
NC Boardman: | Moast ov it iz probly bolleaux, thobut! Liev hi, trane lo! |
Bethany’s Hipi Nana: | Rite on, Niec C! Teeheheheeee! |
M Rendell: | Air density! |
NC Boardman: | Yebbut temperature also! Jus' az gud 4 teh our record iffen u sta in Mankchester & crank teh heetin' up! |
TP Kennaugh: | I went 2 Colorado once! They got big mntns! Bigga than… TEH MNTN ne wa! |
| […] |
M Rendell: | C Ewan teh hoamsick rok! Finnish bhind teh mane autobus wif hiz lede-out trane! |
NC Boardman: | 6 minits inside teh delai yesterda! Conserve nrg 4 finnishin' last 2da! |
M Rendell: | Rubbish! |
TP Kennaugh: | |
M Rendell: | T Ben00t got fined 200 Schnibblefranx yesterda 4 rubbishin'. E Bernal got fined 500 Schnibblefranx coz he chucked teh rubbishes when teh teme car wiz wif 'im! |
NC Boardman: | We approov! |
| [On2 teh Col de la Madeleine…] |
M Rendell: | R Porte! |
TP Kennaugh: | R Porte dorter! |
R Porte: | I had 1 alredi, u kno! Slepeless nites or Tour ov France? No contest! |
M Rendell: | TB McLaren! M Landa! We sent ect… |
D Friebe: | O hai! O hai, M Landa! Staeg pwn or podium in teh Paris? |
M Landa: | Yes. |
D Friebe: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! |
M Rendell: | TB McLaren disruptin' teh planz0rz ov TJ Visma! I Montoya N Quintana in trubz0rz! |
TP Kennaugh: | N Roche E [“Poisonous term” – Ed.]es GV Laundromat P Rolland! All in trubz0rz! |
M Rendell: | Planz0rz bi TB McLaren? |
TP Kennaugh: | Yes. No. Maybe. I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
M Rendell: | Look, see! L Kämna dropt bi teh breakfroupthing! J Alaphilippe! |
L Kämna: | Bah! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | I'm baaaaaaack! Did u miss me? |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all! S Colbrelli lede teh TB McLaren teme! He’s took MOAR than 2 minits bak off ov teh breakfroupthing! |
SD Millar: | Sprint0rz leedin' mntn staegs? Ent natchural! |
S Colbrelli: | I h8 this! W Poels, ur go! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! B Cosnefroy ent bin dropt yet! |
B Cosnefroy: | Yay! Go me! Onoz! I haz xploded! |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe! Shall he blo up az we haz seed orl 2 oftn this yere? |
J Alaphilippe: | Bof! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! Radio Free Prudhomme sez M Naive iz goin' hoam! |
N Boulting: | Bad 4 A Yates! 'speshly wif E [“Poisonous term” – Ed.]es alredi shat out ov teh pelican's fethery arse! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wile u woz bein’ sold crap teh gap iz belo 3 minits! We haz on teh speekifing R Ellinga & hiz Orkestar! O hai! |
R Ellingworth: | Hhhnnnrrrrp… M Landa… prrrreeeeb… W Poels… zzzzzzzbbbbggh… |
N Boulting: | Wot u do on descant? |
R Ellingworth: | Grrrrrnnnj… TJ Visma… bbrrrgzunf… |
SD Millar: | Tiem-trail? |
R Ellingworth: | Vvvvnnnnrrrrd… pane faec… krrrzt [NO CARRIER] |
Omnes: | That woz informativ. Not. Y r ski resortz0rz orlwaze so fukn ugli? |
SD Millar: | Look, see! Teh pelican haz nommed L Kämna in its mitey beek! |
L Kämna: | Bah! |
Omnes: | Wait… WHAT!?!? TEFE First haz purple anodised disraelis! Teh 1980's jus' called, TEFE First! They wunt there disraelis bak! |
R Carapace: | \o/ Spottypwn! |
SD Millar: | Iz that a rain I c b4 me? Wet descant? Cud get… COM-PLI-CA-TED!!1! |
EC Boardman: | Dun wanna showwa / dun wanna squall / gimme a deluje / or nuffink @ all! Oh yes! |
Omnes: | We're gessin' that wunt J Brel, Evil C… |
T Pogačar: | I, T Pogačar, shall nick sum spottypointz & claim teh spottyjumper 4 teh Sloveen Maffia! |
B Cosnefroy: | |
| […] |
M Rendell: | Wile u woz bein’ sold crap D Martin haz bin dropt on teh descant! |
5's Mummy: | Oh bother! Do not take risks, D Martin! |
D Martin: | sozmissispoulidor… Syrah! |
J Alaphilippe: | DKUATB, u 2! |
R Carapace: | [Understandable caution in teh faec ov uter madness…] Wate 4 meeee! |
NC Boardman: | They haz took sum tiem off ov teh pelican, but I, TV's Niec C Boardman, rekn they'll nede 6 minits @ teh botom ov teh finle climb, wot they ent gonna get! |
Teh Shitverts: | Do U nede a VPN from a kitteh or insewerants? Haz U bin hit on teh bonce bi teh side windo ov a Hunday+? Haz orl ur hairz0rz falled out? Nede foopball, a holibobs, big fat drunks playin' dratz? U nede… STUFFS!!1! Buy new! IMPROVED!!1! Stuffs 2da! |
ML Maire: | FFS! |
M Rendell: | Teh breakfroupthing haz now 2 1/2 minits, B Cosnefroy haz got bak in2 teh mitey beek ov teh pelican & R Porte ent doned a chute! |
TP Kennaugh: | R Porte haz doned horrendous smashz0rz on descants b4! |
D Martin: | Tell me about it! |
NC Boardman: | Calories! |
TP Kennaugh: | Calories! Spudz'n'herrin'! Chipz0rz, cheez 'n' gravy! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
NC Boardman: | Physiology nutrition glycogen water! Fat! Piez0rz! |
TP Kennaugh: | Nope, u los' me agane! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
M Rendell: | Look, see! D Martin iz bak in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! |
5's Mummy: | Jolly good effort, young man! |
D Martin: | fankoomissis… Syrah! |
M Rendell: | Look, see! Le Roi C Prudhomme I & Le Président E Macrobe! Turrizm! P'litckl capital! |
EC Boardman: | Rememba wot hapnd teh last tiem C Prudhomme had a politico in hiz car! Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh yes! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | 2’15” & not yet @ botom ov climb! |
SD Millar: | Not enuff! |
N Boulting: | Mite D Martin ov let hisself get et bi teh pelican's mitey beek so he c'n assault attack on teh climb? |
SD Millar: | No. |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Under 2 minits @ botom ov climb! Breakfroupthing shirley doomd! |
SD Millar: | TB McLaren still maek teh paec! |
Bethany (10): | Iz mi Da… R Uran still in teh pelican? |
N Boulting: | Yes, Bethany (10). Yes, he iz. |
Bethany (10): | W00t! |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe! About 2 xplode or tittin' about? |
ML Maire: | FFS! Not MOAR fukn shitverts! |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe! He ent xploded yet! Amazeballs! |
N Boulting: | W Poels still on teh front ov teh pelican 4 TB McLaren! |
TJ Visma: | Suits us! Let sumwun else done teh wurk 4 once! |
B Dickinson: | Hurrah 4 les peops ov Les Allues! They haz mani cowbells! |
N Boulting: | W Poels haz xploded! W Barguil O Fraile R Gesink C Verona H Carthy orl shat out ov teh pelican’s fethery arse! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! J Alaphilippe haz bin dropt! Or haz he? OR HAZ HE?!?!? Yes. Yes, he haz. |
N Boulting: | & bin cort bi teh shinyboiz! M Landa! Dunt look happi! |
J Alaphilippe: | [Gurns…] |
N Boulting: | 10 km 35”! |
G Izaguirre: | I ent wurkin', BTW! Becoz MA Lopez iz in wif teh shinyboiz! |
R Carapace: | Meh. |
SD Millar: | DDL Cruz MIA! Bad 4 T Pogačar! |
N Boulting: | G Bennett cookt! |
SD Millar: | G Izaguirre also. R Carapace orl on hiz tod! |
N Boulting: | P Bilbao doned teh damage! Y not visit Méribel on ur holibobs next year? See ses magasins de ski, ses remontées mécaniques, ses parkings, ses boîtes de nuit pleines de gits bronzés et ses hôtels conçus par Staline! Quand il a eu la gueule de bois… |
Le Maire de Méribel: | Iffen u woz 'ere in person, ***, I'd haz u arrested 4 cntery! |
SD Millar: | Yoicks! WV Aert hav xploded! |
N Boulting: | D Caruso taek ova 4 TB McLaren! R Carapace still got 20”! DDL Cruz not MIA afta orl! |
SD Millar: | TJ Visma tryna taek ova! |
R Carapace: | I caer not a fig! Look, see! I now haz 5.5 km 2 go & 40”! |
Omnes: | Yay! Go R Carapace! |
N Boulting: | D Caruso 2 slo 2 xplode teh shinyboiz! |
R Carapace: | 4 km 44”! |
N Boulting: | DDL Cruz 2 teh front ov teh shinyboiz! |
SD Millar: | TD Windmill in trubz0rz! |
N Boulting: | M Landa also! |
SD Millar: | Bethany’s Da… R Uran A Yates in trubz0rz! |
Bethany (10): | Fckles! |
N Boulting: | MA Lopez! He’s xploded R Porte! S Kuss 2 teh front! |
R Carapace: | Cort! Bah! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! S Kuss & MA Lopez r goin' awa! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! S Kuss haz dropt bak 2 help P Roglič! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! T Pogačar iz in trubz0rz! |
S Kuss: | OK, P Roglič! Ur turn! |
N Boulting: | Wait! T Pogačar ate’nt DED! |
T Pogačar: | I ATE'NT DED! |
MA Lopez: | \o/ Fck me siedwaze! I'd h8 2 hav 2 do that agane 2 proov it! |
P Roglič: | Taek that, T Pogačar, u young wippasnappa! |
T Pogačar: | Piss! Still, I haz teh juniorshinyjumper & teh spottyjumper also! |
Bethany (10): | WAREZ MI DA… R URAN?!?!? |
N Boulting: | Lost 2 minits, Bethany (10). Not on teh podium ne MOAR! |
Bethany (10): | RAAAAAWWWWWR! |
SD Millar: | Taek covva, kidz, she's gonna start smashin' teh furniture! |
5's Mummy: | Please don't, Bethany! There are some priceless antiques in here! |
Bethany (10): | Fck! Off! Not u Syrah, obv! |
5's Mummy: | Ai say! That's twice now! Jolly well done, Bethany! |
| […] |
G Imlach: | So, let’s tork about A Valverde LOLZ0RZ! |
A Valverde: | In2 teh top 10! Not bad 4 a old git who dunt even kno teh wa 2 Spaign-o! |
G Imlach: | Srsly, tho. MA Lopez! |
NC Boardman: | Nedes orl teh tiem he c'n get b4 tiem-trail! |
TP Kennaugh: | He orter ov assault attacked earlier! That’s wot we duz on teh Isle ov Man! |
MA Lopez: | O RLY? & how mani Gran Tour staegs hav u pwned, u chirpy Manx idiot? |
TP Kennaugh: | |
G Imlach: | 2moro! 5 Catted climbs! Downhill finnish! Wud suit nutta! Call Paris 223 & aks 4 Xtian! |
| |
+ | USAnian pronunciation. |