Yet Another Cycling Forum

Off Topic => The Pub => Food & Drink => Topic started by: ian on April 23, 2015, 10:39:32 am

Title: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 23, 2015, 10:39:32 am
Do we have a food rant thread? All those bad, disappointing culinary experiences should have a home.

Anyway.

Burgers. Londontown is full of 'upmarket' burger joints now. Every-bloody*-where. Byrons sprout like toadstools overnight, and if it's not a Byrons, it's something similar. Gourmet this. Meat that. There will come a point when entire streets are just a sweaty crush of Nandos and Byrons. The final reckoning will be Cow vs. Chicken. Some kind of cross-species meaty West Side Story. When all the buildings are full, they appear in vans, a wagon train from Hackney. Someone offered me a burger with kimchee yesterday. Fuck it, Hackney gets further east every day, it's like its on its own tectonic plate.

Since I got off the vegetarian bus at meaty central, I confess I've sampled a few burgers. I like burgers. It's meat in a sandwich. A simple pleasure. One I'd forgone for several years. I'll be honest, I don't want creativity. A good burger requires a good slab of fresh meat, optional cheese, lettuce, onion, and tomato. That's it. No kimchee, no single herd origin ripened alpaca cheese, no alfalfa sprouts. Just stop. And for some reason, in 2015, queuing is a desirable thing. For a meat sandwich.

The thing is: these burgers are a bit dull. They're overcooked, overpriced, overdecorated. I've just paid £8 for a sandwich. Oh look, they've served my wine in a jam jar. Erm. And why do I even have wine with a burger. This is not France (ironically, the best burger I ever had, and as a former resident of the American colonies I've had many burgers, was in France – some unaspiring place near Annecy – as far as I could tell they'd forgone the grill and just left it out in the sun for several minutes, and the waiter didn't have to give me the cow's biography).

This came to mind when I had, for the first time in like forever, a McD's the other day. If you're waiting for a plane at Lisbon airport, don't expect gastronomy. I wasn't expecting much, but I actually enjoyed. Admittedly, they'd added extra nostalgia sauce to my Big Mac.

Gourmetification is what I call it. Simple foods get extravagantly dressed up. Gastropubs do it all the time.
You can't order a full English breakfast without getting some kind of ethnically diverse sausage, a meaty immigrant to rouse your inner Farage.

*Not bloody though, they're generally most insistent on it being medium, which translated to British cooking, means it may as well have sat in the blast radius of a nuclear explosion.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on April 23, 2015, 01:56:11 pm
Do we have a food rant thread? All those bad, disappointing culinary experiences should have a home.

*Has a vague memory*

Ah yes, but it was a Food Grumble rather than a rant thread, so I suppose that's different.

https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=87869.msg1804600#msg1804600
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on April 23, 2015, 02:09:34 pm
Do we have a food rant thread? All those bad, disappointing culinary experiences should have a home.

Anyway.

Burgers. Londontown is full of 'upmarket' burger joints now. Every-bloody*-where. Byrons sprout like toadstools overnight, and if it's not a Byrons, it's something similar. Gourmet this. Meat that. There will come a point when entire streets are just a sweaty crush of Nandos and Byrons. The final reckoning will be Cow vs. Chicken. Some kind of cross-species meaty West Side Story. When all the buildings are full, they appear in vans, a wagon train from Hackney. Someone offered me a burger with kimchee yesterday. Fuck it, Hackney gets further east every day, it's like its on its own tectonic plate.

Since I got off the vegetarian bus at meaty central, I confess I've sampled a few burgers. I like burgers. It's meat in a sandwich. A simple pleasure. One I'd forgone for several years. I'll be honest, I don't want creativity. A good burger requires a good slab of fresh meat, optional cheese, lettuce, onion, and tomato. That's it. No kimchee, no single herd origin ripened alpaca cheese, no alfalfa sprouts. Just stop. And for some reason, in 2015, queuing is a desirable thing. For a meat sandwich.

The thing is: these burgers are a bit dull. They're overcooked, overpriced, overdecorated. I've just paid £8 for a sandwich. Oh look, they've served my wine in a jam jar. Erm. And why do I even have wine with a burger. This is not France (ironically, the best burger I ever had, and as a former resident of the American colonies I've had many burgers, was in France – some unaspiring place near Annecy – as far as I could tell they'd forgone the grill and just left it out in the sun for several minutes, and the waiter didn't have to give me the cow's biography).

This came to mind when I had, for the first time in like forever, a McD's the other day. If you're waiting for a plane at Lisbon airport, don't expect gastronomy. I wasn't expecting much, but I actually enjoyed. Admittedly, they'd added extra nostalgia sauce to my Big Mac.

Gourmetification is what I call it. Simple foods get extravagantly dressed up. Gastropubs do it all the time.
You can't order a full English breakfast without getting some kind of ethnically diverse sausage, a meaty immigrant to rouse your inner Farage.

*Not bloody though, they're generally most insistent on it being medium, which translated to British cooking, means it may as well have sat in the blast radius of a nuclear explosion.

The fuckers probably used the word artisanal as well. The only thing I see when I see that word used are the last four letters. Fuckers.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on April 23, 2015, 03:08:13 pm
We either eschew or mock food with too many adjectives...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 23, 2015, 03:43:21 pm
And another thing, Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles!  You appear to have stopped selling your own-brand not-butter.  I do not wish to spend double the amount on poncey Lurpak, I am boycotting Country Life because J Rotten, and Anchor tastes funny and not in a good way.

Kerrygold it is, then.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 23, 2015, 04:11:40 pm
The thing about the burger is that is a sublimely simple thing that should shine alone on the ingredients. It's something that benefits from simplicity. Slapping kimchee on top does not improve a burger. I've been to Seoul and no one offered me a burger with kimchee on it. Burgers in Seoul were all-American affairs, a brass band would pipe up the Stars and Stripes and they would be served by cheerleaders in an nuclear test explosion of pom-poms. Actually, that might have just been the restaurant. Shit, why not stick chicken chow mein on top or a slice of banoffee pie. Oh god, I daren't look, someone probably has.

And the fact that most of these new wave burgers are just chains. If you want indifferently cooked meat patties, you can get them for less than £8 and without queuing in the rain (you don't even have to get out of your car). I mean, seriously, Five Guys. People queue for Five Guys burgers? They serve greasy-wrapped disappointment in a bun. Even US calorie mountains don't eat them and those are the sort of people who'd eat a trash can if you melted cheese on it. MEATliquor (it has be written that way, just to prickle my sanity), marginally better burger if you like Exxon Valdez levels of grease ejaculated down your front, but a queue that stretches and includes people taking selfies. In a queue for a sandwich. Are you fucking mental? OK, that's not really a question.

Truly great burgers are circumstantial. For instance, right-minded people are circumspect about declaring their love for White Castle. Come 3am and you're lost in West Virginia, and you see those bright lights and the promise of a dozen dinky little burgers. Come the tidal wave of salivation. Give me a megaphone because I've just written a meaty love song. OK, I'm not convinced White Castle burgers actually contain meat. And as for that French burger, in the rarified air of the alps, it was gloriously underdone, yet like biting into a buttery meat cloud. Effortless.

I forgot pickles earlier. Good burgers require pickles. Cheese, not so much. Bacon definitely not.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on April 23, 2015, 04:26:19 pm
And stop making the damn burgers so thick ! Posh burgers always seem to be massive. That's no good , you need to be able to get the burger and bun into your mouth together, its a sandwich the whole point is the combination of bun, salad pickles and burger not for you to have to dismantle it and eat the constituent parts separately.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on April 23, 2015, 04:32:51 pm
I forgot pickles earlier. Good burgers require pickles. Cheese, not so much. Bacon definitely not.

And a cold, fat, flacid, stupidly large mushroom,  absolutely not.

I like mushrooms, but I've never enjoyed a mushroom in a burger.  Or ones that come unbidden with a steak.  Nasty things
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 23, 2015, 04:45:43 pm
And stop making the damn burgers so thick ! Posh burgers always seem to be massive. That's no good , you need to be able to get the burger and bun into your mouth together, its a sandwich the whole point is the combination of bun, salad pickles and burger not for you to have to dismantle it and eat the constituent parts separately.

Yes, those spherical burgers. Defeats the point since you can't cook them properly. To warm up the middle, the outer layers must be cooked into a chewy, dry desert. And this being Britain, where the thought of rare meat alone will probably kill, to turn the middle of the meat planet grey, they must cook them for hours. So basically, it's a giant meaty cricket ball in a bun. Which people will swoon over as they chew and chew and chew and basically give themselves a facial workout. A couple of those and you have the kind of jaw muscles that can chew their way into a bank vault.

Mushrooms in a burger. Eek!

Eating burgers with a knife and fork. Only passable in Wimpy.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on April 23, 2015, 04:56:25 pm
There's still a Wimpy in Carmarthen.  It's exactly how you remember Wimpys to be.  :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 23, 2015, 08:28:00 pm
There's still a Wimpy in Carmarthen.  It's exactly how you remember Wimpys to be.  :)

I moved to this town because it had a Wimpy. Then two weeks later it closed. OK, Wimpy wasn't the only reason, and no, I don't think I've been in one since about 1988. But I liked the comforting thought of having my formative dining experience nearby. They missed a trick by not serving drinks in pretend jam jars and forcing people to queue outside.

In other news.

Mushrooms. Or alien space fruit.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on April 23, 2015, 08:59:55 pm
And stop making the damn burgers so thick ! Posh burgers always seem to be massive. That's no good , you need to be able to get the burger and bun into your mouth together, its a sandwich the whole point is the combination of bun, salad pickles and burger not for you to have to dismantle it and eat the constituent parts separately.

Amen. You shouldn't need to cut up a burger with cutlery!

We have a local joint called the boozy cow. I hate the "here's a burger on a bit of greaseproof paper on a tray" thing (what's wrong with a plate FFS?), but the burger itself was beautifully rare. Mooo.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on April 23, 2015, 11:07:32 pm
Yeah, whatever happened to round white plates?
Why do I keep getting food on a chopping board, in a mini metal bucket, on a fecking slate....
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rr on April 23, 2015, 11:14:21 pm
Good I was about to post a food rant anyway:
Hain Celestial Group trading as Linda McCartney, your vegiburgers are just like beef burgers, 80s, pre-BSE, made from Jet washed sludge and floor sweepings and sold from a clapped out van 80s burgers, the ones so rank that even John Gummer wouldn't feed them to his kids.
If you are going to sell imitation meat, imitate decent meat.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 23, 2015, 11:43:21 pm
Yeah, whatever happened to round white plates?
Why do I keep getting food on a chopping board, in a mini metal bucket, on a fecking slate....

Well, back in the artisanal times, this was how food was served. Fries came in little metal pails (with or without a sheet of Izal), like they'd been milked out of the fry cow by busy, little fry-maids. Chefs, caught waiting for the plate to be invented (an awkward time for gastro-kitchens, for sure), had to hurl food out on chopping board itself. Seasoned by desperation were those dreadful days.

I swear I got a pie on a slate the other week. Not quite a slate, more some old bit of blackboard from the 1970s, probably made out of asbestos and cancer. A pie on a pretend slate, like at some point in the distant past that's how we served food. With a little nervous broccoli forest, edging off towards the table, knowing that no rim stood in its way. Driven by the thought that it could be in Stoke Newington by teatime. Cry freedom my little brassicas. And worse, this little pie cost £16. It's just a pie. What can you put in a pie that costs £16? You could gold-plate a chicken for less. It was like they'd introduced a suicidal chicken with anorexia to a few cubes of surly pancetta (I'm letting that pass, bacon bacon bacon). Admittedly, I was probably being surcharged for the three pieces of Houdini broccoli. The pie was more air than a hot air balloon. I mean, it didn't taste bad as pies go, but it was still a pie. It wasn't an Heston Blumenthal pie made out or heliumated foie gras and unicorn frisson.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on April 23, 2015, 11:47:32 pm
surly pancetta
Don't give them ideas, they've got enough silly names as it is.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on April 24, 2015, 09:42:42 am
And stop making the damn burgers so thick ! Posh burgers always seem to be massive. That's no good , you need to be able to get the burger and bun into your mouth together, its a sandwich the whole point is the combination of bun, salad pickles and burger not for you to have to dismantle it and eat the constituent parts separately.

Agreed- we often make our own burgers at home and the do not get made 3 feet thick. They are thin and then squashed even further when cooking. Thin patties are good patties.

I blame that daft american woman and her song about fat women.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: lahoski on April 24, 2015, 09:55:17 am
Kimchee in a burger is really nice.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 24, 2015, 01:46:35 pm
Kimchee in a burger is really nice.

So is BACON
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Gattopardo on April 24, 2015, 03:56:40 pm
Do we have a food rant thread? All those bad, disappointing culinary experiences should have a home.

Anyway.

Burgers. Londontown is full of 'upmarket' burger joints now. Every-bloody*-where. Byrons sprout like toadstools overnight, and if it's not a Byrons, it's something similar. Gourmet this. Meat that. There will come a point when entire streets are just a sweaty crush of Nandos and Byrons. The final reckoning will be Cow vs. Chicken. Some kind of cross-species meaty West Side Story. When all the buildings are full, they appear in vans, a wagon train from Hackney. Someone offered me a burger with kimchee yesterday. Fuck it, Hackney gets further east every day, it's like its on its own tectonic plate.

Since I got off the vegetarian bus at meaty central, I confess I've sampled a few burgers. I like burgers. It's meat in a sandwich. A simple pleasure. One I'd forgone for several years. I'll be honest, I don't want creativity. A good burger requires a good slab of fresh meat, optional cheese, lettuce, onion, and tomato. That's it. No kimchee, no single herd origin ripened alpaca cheese, no alfalfa sprouts. Just stop. And for some reason, in 2015, queuing is a desirable thing. For a meat sandwich.

The thing is: these burgers are a bit dull. They're overcooked, overpriced, overdecorated. I've just paid £8 for a sandwich. Oh look, they've served my wine in a jam jar. Erm. And why do I even have wine with a burger. This is not France (ironically, the best burger I ever had, and as a former resident of the American colonies I've had many burgers, was in France – some unaspiring place near Annecy – as far as I could tell they'd forgone the grill and just left it out in the sun for several minutes, and the waiter didn't have to give me the cow's biography).

This came to mind when I had, for the first time in like forever, a McD's the other day. If you're waiting for a plane at Lisbon airport, don't expect gastronomy. I wasn't expecting much, but I actually enjoyed. Admittedly, they'd added extra nostalgia sauce to my Big Mac.

Gourmetification is what I call it. Simple foods get extravagantly dressed up. Gastropubs do it all the time.
You can't order a full English breakfast without getting some kind of ethnically diverse sausage, a meaty immigrant to rouse your inner Farage.

*Not bloody though, they're generally most insistent on it being medium, which translated to British cooking, means it may as well have sat in the blast radius of a nuclear explosion.

The fuckers probably used the word artisanal as well. The only thing I see when I see that word used are the last four letters. Fuckers.

That fuck there is some one else that feels the same.

I feel your pain comrade.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: woollypigs on April 24, 2015, 05:25:53 pm
Ian I agree, a good burger is just a good bit of meat in a bun that you can fit - and do not have to build before it is not Lego - into your mouth.

The best one I have had is right off the bbq into a bun with a bit of pepper and tomato sauce. Maybe some onion and salad.

I have given up getting a burger in a Gastro pub, big round ball filled with random bits of grass, three chips and some random sauce that is either drawn onto the plate or in a very small pot that you can fit the chips into, that you have got all IKEA on.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Otto on April 24, 2015, 05:46:37 pm
And another thing, Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles!  You appear to have stopped selling your own-brand not-butter.  I do not wish to spend double the amount on poncey Lurpak, I am boycotting Country Life because J Rotten, and Anchor tastes funny and not in a good way.

Kerrygold it is, then.


The Dutchy Organic one is nice
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Otto on April 24, 2015, 05:48:33 pm
Ian I agree, a good burger is just a good bit of meat in a bun that you can fit - and do not have to build before it is not Lego - into your mouth.

The best one I have had is right off the bbq into a bun with a bit of pepper and tomato sauce. Maybe some onion and salad.

I have given up getting a burger in a Gastro pub, big round ball filled with random bits of grass, three chips and some random sauce that is either drawn onto the plate or in a very small pot that you can fit the chips into, that you have got all IKEA on.

What hacks me off is when the burger comes on a wooden board or a slate with a cocktail stick holding it together and the chips arrive in a minature galvanized bucket or a plant pot... what's wrong with a plate ffs
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ruthie on April 24, 2015, 05:51:03 pm
And another thing, Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles!  You appear to have stopped selling your own-brand not-butter.  I do not wish to spend double the amount on poncey Lurpak, I am boycotting Country Life because J Rotten, and Anchor tastes funny and not in a good way.

Kerrygold it is, then.


The Dutchy Organic one is nice

Yeo Valley butter is lovely, and a proper yellow colour, not like that white forrin stuff.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CrinklyLion on April 24, 2015, 06:45:43 pm
Yeah, whatever happened to round white plates?
Why do I keep getting food on a chopping board, in a mini metal bucket, on a fecking slate....

https://twitter.com/wewantplates
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: perpetual dan on April 24, 2015, 06:57:49 pm
I found we want plates earlier! This ought to appeal to ian...
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CDTxlQ2W0AEZTh3.jpg)

 :o
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on April 24, 2015, 07:08:11 pm
I found we want plates earlier! This ought to appeal to ian...
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CDTxlQ2W0AEZTh3.jpg)

 :o

That can fuck right off! For a start, how are you supposed to eat it? Its also on bloody scales- its taking versus man vs food too far! If I want to die eating burgers I will just order lots of them.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 24, 2015, 09:52:33 pm
And another thing, Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles!  You appear to have stopped selling your own-brand not-butter.  I do not wish to spend double the amount on poncey Lurpak, I am boycotting Country Life because J Rotten, and Anchor tastes funny and not in a good way.

Kerrygold it is, then.


The Dutchy Organic one is nice

But you have to pass it on the left-hand side, which is a problem if you live alone.

(Says "Biddly-Biddly-Biddly-Biddly Bong!"  Is carted off to funny farm)

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Andrij on April 25, 2015, 07:41:36 am
I found we want plates earlier! This ought to appeal to ian...
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CDTxlQ2W0AEZTh3.jpg)

 :o

The mug-o-chips is for throwing at staff to knock them unconscious.  One then uses the scales to measure out a pound of flesh from each of them in retribution.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on April 25, 2015, 08:26:11 am
Top rant from Ian, catching the mood of the middle aged male diner perfectly.
Ian, have you tried coffee lately? Perhaps some reviews of (ideally 'artisan') coffee shops is needed. Or artisan bakers.
Seems to me the decline of the working class artisan has heralded the arrival of the mockney ex public school artisan food retailer, with all that 'passion' enabling pop up pricing for the iPad wearers.
I am thinking of a chain of artisan porridge pop up stores, operating from reclaimed Mr Whippy vans, sited by London tube stations in the morning. each van with its own mill, grinding and pressing single varietal oats from named rustic farms, in hessian sacks. Served in brown cardboard boxes like the olden days, eaten with a wooden spoon. Could be a winner.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 25, 2015, 12:57:38 pm
The burger on the scales is either some kind of truly heinous brilliance, or a dystopian metaphor for our battle with the food that sustains yet kills us. Or it's Hoxton tossery squared.

My wife got jenga chips last night. Ten carefully balanced chips. Unfortunately, the waitress knocked them over at the table and the whole thing had to go back to back kitchen for reassembly. As it was Denmark they probably didn't beat the poor girl, though I'm sure the chef/architect had strong words. I've found structural food assemblies quite common in Scandinavia, I think it's the entire Ikea thing. It did apparently come on a plate, though for some reason her veg got its own little dish to prevent food group miscegenation. That's a common theme, like macaroni cheese in those little enamel bathtubs, and the growing need for restaurants to serve breakfast in a dinky little frying pan with a pair of egg-tits wobbling on top.

Yesterday's lunch of disappointment was skewered and grilled ennui on a deathbed of buckwheat kasha. I should know better. It was like shoveling soil from my own grave into my mouth. There was an arterial splash of vibrant red sauce on the side that promised to taste of something but tasted like precisely titrated nothing. It was all served on a plate at least.

Coffee, don't get me going, I was dragged to a coffee shop the other day, run by New Zealanders and populated with MacBooks and their owners. Perhaps our Kiwi friends are wired directly into the caffeinated zeitgeist and thus uniquely qualified to sell coffee and afghan biscuits, all I know is that my gritty americano cost about the same as a return ticket to Auckland and tasted marginally worse than the free coffee from the machines aboard the mothership.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 25, 2015, 01:06:47 pm
ian, have you considered a career change into restaurant criticism?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: woollypigs on April 25, 2015, 01:20:52 pm
Yeah become secret eater, or what ever they are called, and get free grub for a rant :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on April 25, 2015, 01:22:28 pm
I envisage the staff in their entirety, trembling in fear of loss of their collective careers, as Ian crosses the threshold and takes his place at the table....
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on April 26, 2015, 08:04:27 am
i think Ian should have a column, to review life in general. I would subscribe.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on April 26, 2015, 08:36:01 am
Top rant from Ian, catching the mood of the middle aged male diner perfectly.
Ian, have you tried coffee lately? Perhaps some reviews of (ideally 'artisan') coffee shops is needed. Or artisan bakers.
Seems to me the decline of the working class artisan has heralded the arrival of the mockney ex public school artisan food retailer, with all that 'passion' enabling pop up pricing for the iPad wearers.
I am thinking of a chain of artisan porridge pop up stores, operating from reclaimed Mr Whippy vans, sited by London tube stations in the morning. each van with its own mill, grinding and pressing single varietal oats from named rustic farms, in hessian sacks. Served in brown cardboard boxes like the olden days, eaten with a wooden spoon. Could be a winner.

Too late , except it's not in that there London http://www.yelp.co.uk/biz/stoats-porridge-bar-van-edinburgh   (http://www.yelp.co.uk/biz/stoats-porridge-bar-van-edinburgh)

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on April 26, 2015, 10:06:49 am
I think Stoats porridge is 'scottish' inasmuch as it is essentially an oat base for the sweet toppings, like condensed milk, jam, syrup etc, required on food north of the border. (Only in fiction do real scots put salt on porridge, in real life they want melted mars bars on it, and Irn Bru  on top.)
Metropolitan artisan porridge would be about named source oat varietals, the roast, grain specs, and bran quotient. Plus honey maybe. Definitely not the scottish thing, although I can see that going well at football matches.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 26, 2015, 12:27:28 pm
There is a cereal cafe on Brick Lane. For about £3.50 you can get a bowl of cornflakes served to you by people with beards. While being surrounded by people with beards. I figure you're paying a hefty surcharge for the increasingly dense forests of facial hair once you cross City Road. The Old Street roundabout is like a portal to their world. Lacking facial hair and wearing trousers that fit, I will always be a stranger in a strange land. There was an aspirationally stupid article in one of the papers (has to be the Guardian) complaining that the poor people of Tower Hamlets wouldn't be able to afford £4.50 for a bowl of Golden Grahams and mini-marshmallows sloshing around in a pond of strawberry-flavoured milk. Come on, social equality everyone, those people need £1.50 bowls of supermarket own-brand cereals.

I've no idea if they serve porridge. I'm sure they wouldn't want oat clag in those recently coiffured beards. I did have breakfast near Spitalfields the other week and that was an obligatory pan and egg-tits affair.

As for restaurant criticism, I can be rude to anyone. Like in most things, I'm a Philistine (not a bad thing in a critic, perhaps, given their historical tendency for gouging). I've lost track of the number of times over the years when I'd happily swap my expensive plate of whatever for a crisp sandwich. I'd make sandwiches with pies and cocktails with Tizer. My mother's best recipe was burnt fish fingers which I had to trawl from a small ocean of perilously lumpy parsley sauce. To this day, given the opportunity, I'll build a parsley sauce volcano out of mashed potato and provide a voiceover for what I call The Grim Plight of the Five Fish Fingers. It doesn't end well for them.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on April 26, 2015, 12:58:45 pm
http://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/shoreditch-cereal-caf-founders-set-to-publish-book-about-cereal-10204368.html (http://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/shoreditch-cereal-caf-founders-set-to-publish-book-about-cereal-10204368.html)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Torslanda on April 26, 2015, 01:39:00 pm
And another thing, Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles!  You appear to have stopped selling your own-brand not-butter.  I do not wish to spend double the amount on poncey Lurpak, I am boycotting Country Life because J Rotten, and Anchor tastes funny and not in a good way.

Kerrygold it is, then.


The Dutchy Organic one is nice

Yeo Valley butter is lovely, and a proper yellow colour, not like that white forrin stuff.

In defence of 'that white forrin' stuff we are converts to President butter (which is yellow BTW) and we discovered this in France thanks to our cosmopolitan jet-setting* lifestyle...





*If you can describe holidaying in a Peugeot van as 'jet-setting'.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on April 26, 2015, 01:44:28 pm
I have had Lurpak since conception.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 26, 2015, 02:24:55 pm
Miss von Brandenburg and I ventured east of the Old Street roundabout the other week, mostly for a gig but also to observe the passing facial topiary through the window of Pizza Express.  She reckoned I shout fit right in, a charge I refute on the grounds of looking more like a Hawkwind roadie who has just stumbled out of that police call box he wandered into while tripping at Glastonbury in 1971.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on April 26, 2015, 03:24:52 pm
I reckon Ian is really A. A. Gill.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 26, 2015, 03:46:16 pm
I reckon Ian is really A. A. Gill.

If he is then Miss von Brandenburg will be round to stab him in the throat with a rusty fork shortly.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Torslanda on April 26, 2015, 06:00:24 pm
Does he not deserve a ti spork?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 26, 2015, 06:33:53 pm
AA Gill doesn't, the terrible menk.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on April 26, 2015, 10:47:27 pm
A plate of food that looks like it should be displayed in a gilded frame on the wall of the National Gallery?

Fuck off. Good solid food, piled on the plate, the elements of the meal having the temerity to actullay touch each other and served with a gravy or sauce which is poured on the meat, not artistically swirled around the edge of the plate. As for putting a jus or coulis or whatever the fuck they are called on food- no! Sauce or gravy.

(I still like Masterchef though).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 27, 2015, 10:05:01 am
Gravy. That’s such an awful, proletarian sauce. The sort of meal time ruffian that puts the lump in lumpen. Jus, on the other hand, is a svelte little thing, back on the Eurostar from a weekend in the south of France, giggling coquettishly over your julienned vegetables and waving to the coy little splatter of coulis on the edge of your plate. Jus is from a world where things aren't brutally mashed, they're elegantly puréed and blitzed, then daintily arrayed so they can gaze flirtatiously at one another across the empty grey expanse of slate that lies between them. Gravy, on the other hand, looms over your food like a hard-faced bailiff waiting to take your TV. Gravy, I’m sure, lives some place monochrome up north. In the next few years, somewhere in Hackney, there'll be a gravy café, serving all manner of exotic gravies* for facially hirsute Guardian readers. It'll even be served in a literal boat.

I have a fear of gravy, dating to the monstrous stuff that was served by my parents. It had the texture of lumpy wallpaper paste, a kind of unctuous sludge that would gum up your mouth and make everything for the next two days taste of Bisto. With cornflakes, you name it. It’d ooze over the plate like a mudslide. It wasn't helped by my father’s fervour for hot food, merely serving food from the stove wasn’t enough, the plate not only had to be warmed to a cherry red glow beforehand, the entire sizzling mess then had to go back into the oven to be warmed for another twenty minutes. The result, by the time it arrived at the table, sizzling and popping like a volcanic mud pool. I've never actually tasted a volcanic mud pool but I doubt I'd be surprised.

I confess a secret hankering for Count Chocula. Admittedly, it would be healthier and marginally less addictive to just give your kids a couple of rocks of crack.


*not as outlandish as it may seem, a couple of years ago at a conference in Florida, I was surveying the distributed buffet options (it was an outside do, arrayed around the patio and pool) and I discovered an entire table of differently flavoured mashed potato. Cheese and chive, tomato and chilli, bacon, you name it, I swear about a dozen kinds of cheerfully confected potato. I was in stodge heaven. I swear by the end of the evening every Brit and Irish person in southern Florida had been drawn to that table, while the Americans looked on in horror.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: lahoski on April 27, 2015, 10:20:55 am
Cheese and chive, tomato and chilli, bacon, you name it, I swear about a dozen kinds of cheerfully confected potato. I was in stodge heaven.
No kimchi though?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on April 27, 2015, 11:01:10 am
The word unctious. I bloody hate it. My mother uses it, usually accompanied with a silly gesture and face. Its very bloody annoying- in fact its one of the few truly annoying things about my dear, sweet, simple mother. That and the fact my son has some how picked up the gesture and face. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 27, 2015, 12:05:17 pm
Unctuous is a great word, marvellously onomatopoeic, it rolls over your tongue like a wave of glistening fat. Trust me, it's the perfect word for my father's attempts at gravy (it is all he cooks, apparently gravy is also a man thing; woman may concoct a gentle jus, but it takes a real man to conduct the alchemy of grease, burnt bits and excessive quantities of bisto into a glistening, potentially seabird-killing pool of molten gravy). I should also make clear that it was served in industrial quantities. It's a terrible thing to see your own roast potatoes drown.

The problem with unctuous is that restaurants have started to use it like it's a good thing. Broths have become unctuous, sauces have become unctuous. The people crave unctuousness. This one doesn't. It's just poshese for greasy. It seems to be essential to refer to ramen broths are unctuous milky white, porcine. Lardy, in other words. It probably works better in Chinese (nǎitāng) which according to Google is literally translated as 'breast soup'. Go on, eat it, it's good for you. It's the kind of thing my Chinese colleagues thrust in front of me when I visit. A game, which roughly translated from Mandarin means 'western devil food torture'.

Kimchi mash? Alas no, there was cabbage and bacon. Actually, this was the US, so probably every variety included bacon, it is, after all, the universal American seasoning. It was quite bizarre though, there we were on a balmy Florida evening, mojito in hand, facing a table laden with mashed potatoes, a veritable meaty thighed chorus line of stodge.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on April 27, 2015, 12:11:04 pm
Unctuous is a great word, marvellously onomatopoeic, it rolls over your tongue like a wave of glistening fat. Trust me, it's the perfect word for my father's attempts at gravy (it is all he cooks, apparently gravy is also a man thing; woman may concoct a gentle jus, but it takes a real man to conduct the alchemy of grease, burnt bits and excessive quantities of bisto into a glistening, potentially seabird-killing pool of molten gravy). I should also make clear that it was served in industrial quantities. It's a terrible thing to see your own roast potatoes drown.

The problem with unctuous is that restaurants have started to use it like it's a good thing. Broths have become unctuous, sauces have become unctuous. The people crave unctuousness. This one doesn't. It's just poshese for greasy. It seems to be essential to refer to raman broths are unctuous milky white, porcine. Lardy, in other words. It probably works better in Chinese (nǎitāng) which according to Google is literally translated as 'breast soup'. Go on, eat it, it's good for you. It's the kind of thing my Chinese colleagues thrust in front of me when I visit. A game, which roughly translated from Mandarin means 'western devil food torture'.

Kimchi mash? Alas no, there was cabbage and bacon. Actually, this was the US, so probably every variety included bacon, it is, after all, the universal American seasoning. It was quite bizarre though, there we were on a balmy Florida evening, mojito in hand, facing a table mashed potatoes, a veritable meaty thighed chorus line of stodge.

You just made me throw up on my own lap and punch a passing innocent kitten. It's all your fault.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on April 27, 2015, 12:31:44 pm
Gravy.

Such an innocent word for the various atrocities carried out in it's name.

I don't really remember much gravy - except for one..

Middlesborough. A somewhat down-at-heel 3* "hotel".  I ordered a pork salad. It came. Cold pork, as one would expect. Saladings, various. Oh, and "gravy" on the pork.

It was brown. It was tepid. It was approximately 3mm thick, and could, quite literally, be cut with a knife. It didn't flow to fill the void. It didn't move at all.   :sick:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: PeteB99 on April 27, 2015, 12:38:50 pm
Came across this when I was searching info on allium allergies


Garlic allergy rant (http://www.chefreinvented.com/2009/04/warning-rant-just-ahead.html)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 27, 2015, 07:07:38 pm
Chances are that if you encountered a strange congealed gravy-like substance, it’s really carvery ectoplasm. Those strange piles of dead flesh lying there all day under a heat lamp like a desperate tourist on a Skegness beach sucking up every photon of stray warmth. It’s the lukewarm sadness of the entire thing, half carved meat hanging around just hoping that someone will take the final slice before the restaurant admits defeat to the massing legions of salmonella. In a bucket next to it, is the gravy slowly congealing into a thick sludge of mortal despair. Carol Anne, don’t eat the gravy Carol Anne…
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 28, 2015, 09:37:02 am
There was a woman in Whole Foods (oh do shut up) the other day bludgeoning the minion with a request for an ingredient they didn't have. I had to stop and listen (a good excuse to overfill my basket with beer) because I swore she was asking for Velveeta. Turns out she was, that was on the cut-own square of recipe she was so fervently clutching and periodically thrusting in the minion's face. He was trying to explain that he 'thought it was some kind of cheese' which she insisted it wasn't and that they 'sell it in Planet Organic'. I've never been to Planet Organic but I'm thinking they don't sell Velveeta, which as any fool knows is a Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product, one that's only a second cousin twice removed to actual cheese. There are people in West Virginia who more closely related to cheese.  It's organic in the same way as benzene is organic. Anyway, he had to Google it in the end, and she sent her to the cheese department to see if they stocked processed disappointment.

(OK, I like Velveeta. It's the same magic yellow stuff as cheese slices which are one of my favourite things – if you want to make a meal special, try adding a cheese slice to your ready salted crisp sandwich.)

Edit: I forgot – they have a section dedicated to 'bone broth' (potentially unctuous) which is, according to the subheading's allusion to that marvellously authentic paleolithic diet, 'the caveman's coffee'. No it fucking isn't.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on April 28, 2015, 11:23:47 pm
I am going to stand up and fight the gravy corner here.

Gravy is like any other food stuff in that it can be either a damn good part of a meal or a complete and utter fucking failure, depending on the cook.

Thick, stodgey gravy that looks like it has escaped from the back of the roads maintenance truck doin a bit of tar and dressing ruination of a road is tuly reprehensible.

On the other hand, a gravy prepared lovingly, with just the right amount of substance to flow without being watery, the perfect amount of seasoning to give it a bit of bite and a skilled use of the meat juices is a joyous addition to a plate.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on April 28, 2015, 11:47:21 pm
My uncle came to stay soon after I was married. We had a visitors book back then, when we got visitors. In the book he wrote "At last. Gravy without grovelling."
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on April 29, 2015, 12:31:16 pm
Are you sure it wasn't "gravy without gravel in"?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on April 29, 2015, 12:47:01 pm
Plums where the stone hasn't formed properly. They can fuck right off.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on April 29, 2015, 12:53:05 pm
Satsumas which look nice from the outside but once you've peeled and pithed them, are all withery and leathery and watery and shrivelled. They can fuck right off too.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: spesh on April 29, 2015, 12:56:25 pm
Satsumas which look nice from the outside but once you've peeled and pithed them, are all withery and leathery and watery and shrivelled. They can fuck right off too.

+1
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on April 29, 2015, 04:20:39 pm
Satsumas which look nice from the outside but once you've peeled and pithed them, are all withery and leathery and watery and shrivelled. They can fuck right off too.

As can those apples that look nice from the outside but turn out to be all brown in the middle. Wanker apples.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 29, 2015, 05:59:26 pm
“Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait 'til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Poly Hive on April 29, 2015, 08:07:06 pm
Just a statement of fact.

At a VERY small town diner in Tootsville which is the far end of the subway on Staten Island we ordered cold beer and a burger. The beer was so cold it had frost on the mug and the burger...

Was thick, on half a bun and had the gerkin on the side of the plate and the gerkin alone needed cutting to fit my mouth let alone the burger.

So... "it ain't necessarily so" that it works like a sandwich.

PH
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on April 30, 2015, 12:53:14 am
Plums where the stone hasn't formed properly. They can fuck right off.

Any Spanish plums -hard as rock. No thank you.
 Only British plums please  , only in season and mostly under crumble or pastry.

Having had a gutfull of stewed pears in my teenage years, (we had an effing big pear tree in the garden) they can GTF as well.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on April 30, 2015, 07:40:24 am
The French, who like to go one better on food things, are very keen on things that are ''Onctuerrs'.
Not content with Anglo pronounciation they extend the 'errs' ending so they can roll it round the mouth and gargle on it.
It does mean greasy.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on April 30, 2015, 09:12:12 am
On the subject of fruit and veg things, any of it that doesn't have a flavour or texture - i.e. loads of supermarket stuff. Bred for looks, like a vacuous showdog.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on April 30, 2015, 09:17:39 am
Plums where the stone hasn't formed properly. They can fuck right off.

Any Spanish plums -hard as rock. No thank you.
 Only British plums please  , only in season and mostly under crumble or pastry.

Having had a gutfull of stewed pears in my teenage years, (we had an effing big pear tree in the garden) they can GTF as well.

I would agree but my recent need for fruit and the fact that most apples are now secretly brown in the middle and that the orange season has gone and left us with the dross meant I needed a change.

British plums, oh yes- we go to a PYO in Esher that has plum trees. I came out of there last time we went with a belly full of plums and another bag full. They were so good.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on April 30, 2015, 09:53:54 am
On the subject of fruit and veg things, any of it that doesn't have a flavour or texture - i.e. loads of supermarket stuff. Bred for looks, like a vacuous showdog.
This. Some of the worst are those huge, glossy red apples - I think they're called discovery - which look so gorgeous but have the taste and feel of cotton wool.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on April 30, 2015, 10:10:30 am
On the subject of fruit and veg things, any of it that doesn't have a flavour or texture - i.e. loads of supermarket stuff. Bred for looks, like a vacuous showdog.
This. Some of the worst are those huge, glossy red apples - I think they're called discovery - which look so gorgeous but have the taste and feel of cotton wool.

That would probably be a red delicious. The discovery is the typical early apple of the UK apple season, red and green with pink tinged flesh and a sweet, perfumed flavour. Mmmm.

Rant- I now want a discovery or two and some ripe, juicy english plums.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 30, 2015, 10:42:38 am
Ah, those little oranges. They go two ways, such is their tricksy nature. Those you piddle away the peel to reveal a shrunken, dry, mummy-like cadaverous inside, all desiccated, old shoe leather and disappointment. Or there’s the more resistant ones, the ones where you piddle and piddle to get through to a promising glimmer of juicy flesh and then, ARGH, it defends itself with a laser beam of juice right through your eye. You end the process, one-eyed, speckled with orange blobs, juice sprayed up the wall and across the floor like you're in the middle of a fruit-murder scene, clutching the remains of a orange that looks like someone has driven a truck over it. And then reversed back over it.

I've always been a bit scared of fruit. Growing up in the East Midlands, there wasn’t a lot of it. Fruit was more of a myth than an actual thing. Perhaps in your gardens of England you were gorging on apples, pears, plums and berries. We had to make do with coal. My grandparents never ate vegetables or fruit with the exceptions of potatoes, peas, and rhubarb. Rhubarb had to be entombed in sugar, to a depth were you needed heavy machinery to unearth it, and then it was so sour your skull would shrink and pucker. Peas and potatoes were tossed liberally in bacon fat or beef dripping. Liberally, as in they were praying for rescue. Shell have spilled less oil. It wasn't a meal without lard, which was a bona fide food group when they were younger. You had to have five types of rendered animal product each day. There was a government chart somewhere.

Peas, unless I was lucky and my grandad had grown some, were the marrowfat variety. Those little green-grey musket balls that were unconvincing as vegetables. Even the name was denies they’re veg. My gran would soak them for about a week with some concoction of soda and then cook them for another week. At which point they were still vaguely bullet-like but had taken on the grey hue of the recently deceased. My gran would raise them like Lazarus with a few magic drops of luminous green food colouring. There’s nothing in nature that is or ever was that colour. A 1940s chemistry lab maybe. I suspect it had killed a lot of lab rats before my gran started testing it on children. To this day, I call it Agent Green.

Apples, though, they had apples. They never ate an apple. Apples were a decorative feature intended to sit in the bowl on the coffee table in the room that all grandparents in that time had but never used. A room stuck waiting for special occasions that never came. Those apples never went mouldy, they’d sit there and gradually and almost imperceptibly wrinkle and mummify. I can only assume the drifting fug of cigarette smoke had a preservative effect. Once as a child, I snuck in there, and as I admired the collection of royalty paraphernalia and coronation china, my eyes were tugged to the natural and refreshing green of those apples. I'd heard about people in other parts of the world eating fruit and had vague sense that apples might be edible. Tasty even. It was admittedly a strange concept but I was a curious child. So I reached out and touched one. Brought it my mouth and bit into it. And don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. Oh my god, it was like mush inside, a foul powdery, brown substance that I couldn't even spit out. I'd bitten into the Tutankhamen of apples. Good god, that apple might have dated back to the Garden of Eden.

I can't bite into an apple to this day, I have to cut a sliver off with a knife and then poke it few times just in case.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on April 30, 2015, 10:50:06 am
I'm angry with my brain. I find food delicious through taste and/or simply volume. With condiments most things can be salvaged. On holiday I accidentally ordered one of those freaky pizzas that are just parma ham, rocket and few bits of ripped up burata, I'd always laughed at people who ordered that, I mean who wants a pizza with a salad on it. I really liked it. 
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on April 30, 2015, 04:33:08 pm
Ian, your food posts brighten my day.

Back to gravy-Does anyone recall this place ? 
  http://www.kitchennightmaresblog.com/2011/05/uk-season-4-episode-2-fenwick-arms.html   (http://www.kitchennightmaresblog.com/2011/05/uk-season-4-episode-2-fenwick-arms.html) ,       
 
Gordon Ramsay persuaded to the owner to  market the pub restaurant as the home of good gravy.
Obviously there was no market for hardcore gravy as the last time that I was down that way , the pub was shut-for good.

Worse still the landlord was reported to have debunked to this side of the Pennines , and only a few miles away from our house.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on April 30, 2015, 05:12:26 pm
I'm angry with my brain. I find food delicious through taste and/or simply volume. With condiments most things can be salvaged. On holiday I accidentally ordered one of those freaky pizzas that are just parma ham, rocket and few bits of ripped up burata, I'd always laughed at people who ordered that, I mean who wants a pizza with a salad on it. I really liked it.

Indeed. I remember many years ago there was a place we went for pizza and beer after a hard day harvesting seaweed from the beach in Narragansett Bay (there was a reason for needing a bootful of red algae). The first time they rolled out this piece of flat bread sprinkled with random dots of torn up cheese and speckles of pesto sauce amongst a rather spartan forest of rocket, I set myself up for disappointment. This definitely wasn't deep dish. But oh my, best pizza ever. I make it at home, admittedly not as well, but burata, rocket, and pesto, and chopped tomatoes is all you need. Optional ham. Base should be very thin and crisp.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on May 04, 2015, 09:25:02 pm
Brown sauce is a thing. Red sauce is not a thing. It's called ketchup. If that's too hard for you, and you get confused and require the colour to help you differentiate, you don't deserve to eat. Any party bringing in on the spot fines for people referring to ketchup as red sauce, gets my vote
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on May 04, 2015, 09:28:11 pm
Red sauce = (Mostly) tomatoes.

Brown sauce = WTF?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on May 04, 2015, 09:36:11 pm
Tomatoes and caramel.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on May 04, 2015, 10:13:06 pm
Burger joint with the trays I referenced further upthread - what's the meaning of sticking us side by side at a bar but giving us both our burgers and chips on the same (small) tray? We might be close but we're not joined at the skull.
I did get a plate after I girned.

Also, get some frikkin lights that aren't red, I can hardly read the menu.
Yes, I know the old git thread is over there <<<<
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on May 07, 2015, 07:47:29 pm
https://www.facebook.com/WeWantPlates
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 07, 2015, 08:11:06 pm
Oi Hotel. €27.50 for breakfast. You, good herren, are having a laff. That's one hell of a cheese sandwich and a cup of coffee. I fucked off down the street to the Literaturhaus, where not only did I feel smarter, but they had pancakes and maple syrup, the proper syrup squeezed out of a tree by bears. Later, I sat in a nice restaurant, munching currywurst, and calculated just how many cheese and ham rolls, omelettes and bowls of cryptic Germanic cereals possibly made our rusty metal I'd have to eat. A lot, that's the answer I came up with.

As a plus side, I went to a buffet with the good burghers of Charlotteburg, and the they had both a snake and a tortoise made out of meat tartare. As I'm not going to eat the stuff, I might as well be impressed with their culinary artistic nous.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on May 09, 2015, 09:23:16 pm
...good burghers of Charlotteburg, and the they had both a snake and a tortoise made out of meat tartare...

But not good burgers?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Andrij on May 10, 2015, 09:54:44 pm
What do the BRITONS have against decent bread, especially in pubs?  So many meals, some very nice, have been let down by a poor excuse for bread.  It has come to the point I generally avoid meals which include bread, but I slipped in today's visit to my local for some grub.   The cheeseburger was as good as I anticipated (this same pub tries to pass of pita as naan, and in East London!) but the bun was horrid.  And they appear to have run out of plates and served my meal on a cutting board.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Deano on May 10, 2015, 11:04:36 pm
Cutting boards have even reached Darlo...

(https://c2.staticflickr.com/6/5346/17503246715_b274d0071b_z.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/sEGHrM)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on May 11, 2015, 09:03:55 am
A, 'planks'.

When my son first started cheffing for Jamies, only Jamies had planks and he thought they were so cool, so wonderful.

Two years later, he's still working for Jamies and his opinion on planks "If I ever seen another fucking plank again I'm going to explode."
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 11, 2015, 10:19:50 am
Got a burger on a plank Saturday evening. My wife got fish and chips. Also on a plank. Oh and chips in a pail. Ticking all the boxes. I won't name and shame though, because the food and beer was good. I did ask though, apparently people 'expect planks'. I'm not sure how you're supposed to eat fish and chips off a flat piece of wood (with great difficulty, it seemed), and my salad ended up free-range all over the table.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on May 11, 2015, 10:51:44 am
I know my hands don't function well and I have abysmal table manners as a result but I am having increasing difficulty eating 'knife and fork' food when it is served in a bowl.
Bowls are for spoon food, like soup and some puddings!
PLATES are for knife and fork food...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on May 11, 2015, 10:52:24 am
I took Mrs T out for a belated birthday lunch on Saturday.

Disappointingly all the food arrived on plates!

The first word of the last sentence may be a lie. :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Andrij on May 11, 2015, 01:37:47 pm
Even the World Service (https://soundcloud.com/bbc-world-service/serving-food-in-a-shoe?ocid=socialflow_facebook) is having a go.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 12, 2015, 10:31:44 pm
That stuff. The curious cellophane-like material that food manufacturers deem suitable for packaging stuff like dried pasta, nuts, and other eminently scatterable comestibles. It's not suitable. It's deeply and profoundly not suitable. It's as suitable as using chocolate for aeroplane wings or a spacesuit made of batter. Now there's pecan halves all over my kitchen floor. That fucking material, no matter how gently you try to tear open of the packet, the moment your mind skitters off to ponder the existential mysteries of life and nutty, nutty snacky goodness, the entire thing tears open scattering the contents to the four distant corners of the kitchen. Yes, I could use scissors, but they're in the drawer on the other side of the kitchen and I want nutty, nutty, snacky goodness now. I'm not patient, I'm a man. How did they fit so many nuts in the packet? I swear they're everywhere. It's like someone exploded a pecan factory. There must be a tonne. There's probably an entire army of squirrels outside, like it's some bizarre rodent finale to Lord of the Rings. Food packing fuckers, wasn't tetrapack enough? Was not enough milk sacrificed by our clumsy fingers, enough juice spattered up walls and across ceilings? Weren't frangible corned beef can keys enough to try our sanity beyond the point it bends and breaks? Oh no, you had to invent this stuff. And for the record, those sticky little tabs you claim are for securing the packets. No, they don't work either, and you know it. It's no-glue, that what it is. It feels sticky. It fools you into thinking it might be sticky. But the moment the cupboard closes, it's done. You reach in the following day and take out your sealed packet, and a pasta avalanche buries your feet. I hate those food packaging evil-doers.

And in other matters. I was in the Congo the other year (the not-so-democratic one). Um Bongo? They don't fucking drink it in the Congo after all. What next? Kia Ora not too orangey for crows?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 12, 2015, 10:46:11 pm
And in other matters. I was in the Congo the other year (the not-so-democratic one). Um Bongo? They don't fucking drink it in the Congo after all. What next? Kia Ora not too orangey for crows?

And that Red Bull, eh?  It's not red, it doesn't contain cows and it doesn't give you wings.  It's no wonder your racing cars are so shit this year; you've been putting the stuff in the petrol tank, haven't you?  This is what happens when your team boss becomes romantically involved with a Spice Girl.  Not Renault's fault at all...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on May 13, 2015, 10:18:01 am
That stuff. The curious cellophane-like material that food manufacturers deem suitable for packaging stuff like dried pasta, nuts, and other eminently scatterable comestibles. It's not suitable. It's deeply and profoundly not suitable. It's as suitable as using chocolate for aeroplane wings or a spacesuit made of batter. Now there's pecan halves all over my kitchen floor. That fucking material, no matter how gently you try to tear open of the packet, the moment your mind skitters off to ponder the existential mysteries of life and nutty, nutty snacky goodness, the entire thing tears open scattering the contents to the four distant corners of the kitchen. Yes, I could use scissors, but they're in the drawer on the other side of the kitchen and I want nutty, nutty, snacky goodness now. I'm not patient, I'm a man. How did they fit so many nuts in the packet? I swear they're everywhere. It's like someone exploded a pecan factory. There must be a tonne. There's probably an entire army of squirrels outside, like it's some bizarre rodent finale to Lord of the Rings. Food packing fuckers, wasn't tetrapack enough? Was not enough milk sacrificed by our clumsy fingers, enough juice spattered up walls and across ceilings? Weren't frangible corned beef can keys enough to try our sanity beyond the point it bends and breaks? Oh no, you had to invent this stuff. And for the record, those sticky little tabs you claim are for securing the packets. No, they don't work either, and you know it. It's no-glue, that what it is. It feels sticky. It fools you into thinking it might be sticky. But the moment the cupboard closes, it's done. You reach in the following day and take out your sealed packet, and a pasta avalanche buries your feet. I hate those food packaging evil-doers.

And in other matters. I was in the Congo the other year (the not-so-democratic one). Um Bongo? They don't fucking drink it in the Congo after all. What next? Kia Ora not too orangey for crows?

They put couscous in that fucking stuff. Couscous. Bastards.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on May 13, 2015, 12:36:03 pm
That stuff. The curious cellophane-like material that food manufacturers deem suitable for packaging stuff like dried pasta, nuts, and other eminently scatterable comestibles. It's not suitable. It's deeply and profoundly not suitable. It's as suitable as using chocolate for aeroplane wings or a spacesuit made of batter. Now there's pecan halves all over my kitchen floor. That fucking material, no matter how gently you try to tear open of the packet, the moment your mind skitters off to ponder the existential mysteries of life and nutty, nutty snacky goodness, the entire thing tears open scattering the contents to the four distant corners of the kitchen. Yes, I could use scissors, but they're in the drawer on the other side of the kitchen and I want nutty, nutty, snacky goodness now. I'm not patient, I'm a man. How did they fit so many nuts in the packet? I swear they're everywhere. It's like someone exploded a pecan factory. There must be a tonne. There's probably an entire army of squirrels outside, like it's some bizarre rodent finale to Lord of the Rings. Food packing fuckers, wasn't tetrapack enough? Was not enough milk sacrificed by our clumsy fingers, enough juice spattered up walls and across ceilings? Weren't frangible corned beef can keys enough to try our sanity beyond the point it bends and breaks? Oh no, you had to invent this stuff. And for the record, those sticky little tabs you claim are for securing the packets. No, they don't work either, and you know it. It's no-glue, that what it is. It feels sticky. It fools you into thinking it might be sticky. But the moment the cupboard closes, it's done. You reach in the following day and take out your sealed packet, and a pasta avalanche buries your feet. I hate those food packaging evil-doers.

And in other matters. I was in the Congo the other year (the not-so-democratic one). Um Bongo? They don't fucking drink it in the Congo after all. What next? Kia Ora not too orangey for crows?

They put couscous in that fucking stuff. Couscous. Bastards.

Quinoa too, AAARRRGGGHHH!

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on May 13, 2015, 12:57:26 pm
And Bulghur Wheat. Hang the lot of them.

(Perhaps this should be in the first world problems thread...)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on May 13, 2015, 01:04:33 pm
Ian has hit the nail on the head with a very big and heavy hammer, as usual.

Last night I opened a new sort of packet of Sainbury's couscous which appeared to have been vacuum packed. It was in a square brick sort of shape. I counted myself fortunate that I didn't get sprayed by the stuff when I opened it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 13, 2015, 01:07:37 pm
Yep, couscous. I too have a bag of bulgur wheat that mocks me every time I open the cupboard. It knows and it waits. Ever patient. I thought I got around the issue with couscous by buying barley couscous in a cardboard packet, but no, inside is a bag and you know what the bag is made of: that stuff. Somewhere, from their sub-volcanic lair, the packaging scientists mock us with their challenges.

Worse still, my wife mocks me when it happens. Why didn't you use scissors, she'll ask. Because. Because. Because. I think she's an agent.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on May 13, 2015, 01:25:17 pm
Yep, couscous. I too have a bag of bulgur wheat that mocks me every time I open the cupboard. It knows and it waits. Ever patient. I thought I got around the issue with couscous by buying barley couscous in a cardboard packet, but no, inside is a bag and you know what the bag is made of: that stuff. Somewhere, from their sub-volcanic lair, the packaging scientists mock us with their challenges.

Worse still, my wife mocks me when it happens. Why didn't you use scissors, she'll ask. Because. Because. Because. I think she's an agent.

Scissors? They make no difference. The bloody bag will find some way of splitting so that the tiny grains can flow out an some unexpected angle, miss the container for which you are aiming and find their way over the work surfaces, floor and into all sorts of nooks and crannies. I love a bit of couscous personally but just wish they would put it in a box or an easily opened paper bag.

Luckily the chia seeds are in a foil resealable bag. (Yes, I am that middle class.)

Bastards.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on May 13, 2015, 01:50:28 pm
On a similar theme. Seeded loaves what is the point in those ? The seeds never actually make it to your mouth. They will however distribute themselves all over the car on the way back from the supermarket and then all over the kitchen once you get home.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on May 13, 2015, 01:56:52 pm
Scissors? They make no difference. The bloody bag will find some way of splitting so that the tiny grains can flow out an some unexpected angle, miss the container for which you are aiming and find their way over the work surfaces, floor and into all sorts of nooks and crannies. I love a bit of couscous personally but just wish they would put it in a box or an easily opened paper bag.

It's a plot by the mice to keep themselves fed.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on May 13, 2015, 02:18:57 pm
They put couscous in Um Bongo?  :o
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on May 13, 2015, 02:26:29 pm
They put couscous in Um Bongo?  :o

I blame Heston.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 13, 2015, 08:04:55 pm
They put couscous in Um Bongo?  :o

I blame Heston.

Whoo, 'serving suggestion'.

The entire 'serving suggestion' thing seems to be falling out of favour, which is disappointing. I don't even know what to do with food without some easy to follow instructions. I like the surety of a nice visual explanation. For instance, if I'm going to eat a tin of sweetcorn, I should probably put it in a bowl and get a big green bloke to guard it. That's what the label tells and let me tell you, no one has nicked my salad-crisp sweetcorn yet.

Before serving suggestions came along, who knew that soup needed to be served in bowls. The history of soup is messily decorated with plating mishaps. Possibly it's the lack of serving suggestions that had led us down the path towards a plateless society where food must be consumed out of old lamps, shoes, duffel bags, and driftwood. If only burgers came with a serving suggestion depicting them nestling between two halves of a bun sat firmly and proudly on a plate.

A quick perusal of my larder cupboard indicates that cereal should be served in bowls (and not apparently scooped directly out of the packet and into your mouth, but hey, the bowl is only a suggestion, ask yourself What Would Heston Do?) Couscous is very mysterious, full of Arabian intrigue, just a little glimpse through a window in the packet. No hint that I shouldn't just spill it all over the floor. Fortunately, my jar of pasta sauce clearly shows it's to be served on pasta. Just a suggestion now, if you want to use it as a cheesecake topping, well What Would Heston Do? I think we all know.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on May 13, 2015, 08:45:04 pm
I'm sure some Kellogg's packet in the dim and distant past is responsible for my being unable to eat cornflakes without fresh strawberries.

Mum tells me cornflakes aren't 'food' anyway.

She has a point.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on May 13, 2015, 09:02:10 pm
Helly, your Mum is correct.
Breakfast cereals (whatever they are) are marketed at 4 to 10 yo, who are, apparently, responsible for which breakfast cereals end up in the weekly supermarket trolley....
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 13, 2015, 09:02:46 pm
Cornflakes are, as any fule kno, made from the little curly wood shavings that come out of pencil sharpeners.

Willy Wonka was very clear about this.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on May 13, 2015, 09:08:16 pm
Breakfast cereals are, apparently, related to 'the practices of the Seventh Day Adventists'!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kellogg%27s#History
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: perpetual dan on May 13, 2015, 09:39:04 pm
Indeed, I was under the impression corn flakes were invented as a cure for masturbation. Can't say I find my "community trade marked shape" wheat biscuits and muesli that erotic either, but maybe I should add it to the try anything once list?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Bledlow on May 13, 2015, 09:45:26 pm
... the fact that most apples are now secretly brown in the middle ....
You're getting apples from the wrong shops. I've not had one that was brown in the middle for a couple of years, at least, & that was a one-off.

Mrs B & I often take pot luck, buying supermarket budget apples. They're occasionally lacking in flavour, but all those undersized, or slightly misshapen, or not-well-known-varieties apples usually taste perfectly OK, & sometimes very good. And just one brown in the middle one in years.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Bledlow on May 13, 2015, 10:03:50 pm
What do the BRITONS have against decent bread, especially in pubs?  So many meals, some very nice, have been let down by a poor excuse for bread.  It has come to the point I generally avoid meals which include bread, but I slipped in today's visit to my local for some grub.   The cheeseburger was as good as I anticipated (this same pub tries to pass of pita as naan, and in East London!) but the bun was horrid.  And they appear to have run out of plates and served my meal on a cutting board.
Dunno, but it's bloody annoying.

There's been a sausage stand in Broad Street, in Reading, for years. I once bought a sausage in bread from it. The sausage wasn't bad, but the bread was ghastly. It wasn't that it tasted bad. For that, it would have to have had some kind of flavour. The really, really bad thing about it was the texture. The almost non-existent, but not quite, sensation as I bit into it was - unpleasant. Not strongly, but enough. The bread was a buffer between the perfectly acceptable sausage & my mouth, muffling the sensation of biting into it, & coating my taste buds so I couldn't enjoy the sausage properly.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on May 13, 2015, 10:11:22 pm
This is why I started baking my own bread, the supermarket bought loaves were bloody disgusting, like eating cotton wool, and that was supposedly multi grain wholemeal ones to boot!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 13, 2015, 10:11:53 pm
Hmm, I had a horrible moment today when I bit into a strawberry. Now we all know that most strawberries taste of disappointment, like they've been hydroponically grown on tears. These tasted unaccountably nice. There's going to be some kind of fruity payback.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on May 13, 2015, 10:27:50 pm
After all that effort flouring and frying in butter of alaska's finest pollack, what do I end up with? A fishy bap remarkably reminiscent of a fillet o fish. It was a delicious dinner but the resemblance was enough to tarnish it for me.

Perhaps we need a food disappointment thread...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on May 13, 2015, 11:22:40 pm
Hmm, I had a horrible moment today when I bit into a strawberry. Now we all know that most strawberries taste of disappointment, like they've been hydroponically grown on tears. These tasted unaccountably nice. There's going to be some kind of fruity payback.

Quite often the 'budget' or 'Basics' strawberries have Flavour, rather than Appearance. The 'Taste the Difference' range disappoints more frequently.

Helly-the-Cheapskate.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on May 14, 2015, 01:15:56 am
What do the BRITONS have against decent bread, especially in pubs?  So many meals, some very nice, have been let down by a poor excuse for bread.  It has come to the point I generally avoid meals which include bread, but I slipped in today's visit to my local for some grub.   The cheeseburger was as good as I anticipated (this same pub tries to pass of pita as naan, and in East London!) but the bun was horrid.  And they appear to have run out of plates and served my meal on a cutting board.
Dunno, but it's bloody annoying.

There's been a sausage stand in Broad Street, in Reading, for years. I once bought a sausage in bread from it. The sausage wasn't bad, but the bread was ghastly. It wasn't that it tasted bad. For that, it would have to have had some kind of flavour. The really, really bad thing about it was the texture. The almost non-existent, but not quite, sensation as I bit into it was - unpleasant. Not strongly, but enough. The bread was a buffer between the perfectly acceptable sausage & my mouth, muffling the sensation of biting into it, & coating my taste buds so I couldn't enjoy the sausage properly.

This, while unacceptable and wrong for a sausage sandwich, is quite the reverse for a bacon one, the twin essences of which should be good bacon and bad bread.

I've had some good, indeed very good, bacon sarnies made with wholemeal or granary or sourdough or seeded (in other words interesting) bread, and they've been very nice indeed. But true greatness comes only between rounds of white sliced, the blander the better. (And, of course, a dollop of HP sauce.)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 14, 2015, 08:27:33 pm
Hmm, I had a horrible moment today when I bit into a strawberry. Now we all know that most strawberries taste of disappointment, like they've been hydroponically grown on tears. These tasted unaccountably nice. There's going to be some kind of fruity payback.

Quite often the 'budget' or 'Basics' strawberries have Flavour, rather than Appearance. The 'Taste the Difference' range disappoints more frequently.


The strawbs (the remainder of which I'm stuffing in my mouth right now) were Waitrose Essentials, which is kind of thing middle class people buy to share the pain of the poor people who have to shop at Lidl, not to mention Elsanta (the Swindon of strawberries), and from Bucks. In May. They should, according to all the known rules of the universe, taste awful. Any hint of strawberry homeopathically reduced to a sad, lonely singular atom.

Bread. Bread. Bread. A couple of things make me angry about bread.

Firstly, where the fuck is it? I go to a restaurant in Foreignlandia and they plonk a basket of bread in front of me. I eat it all and they bring more. Free bread is one of the bricks from which civilisation is built. I go to a restaurant in Britain and the table stays empty. My bread? I was once told they didn't even have bread. In a restaurant. Do you have food? Have you misunderstood the entire premise of a restaurant? Or they offer to charge me about £4 for a few measly offcuts of wooden, day-old baguette that looks like it's been chewed on by a Frenchman and discarded. Also once, on espying the bread on another table, I asked for mine. 'Oh we only serve bread to tables of four or more.' Yes, well, most of my friends are invisible and imaginary and they're here with me. Bring our fucking bread.

As JSabine says, don't fuck with the bacon butty. Bland, white bread is essential to properly cosset your bacon. Don't give me bacon on an artisan roll. No sourdough, no beetle bread itching with pumpkin seeds and god-knows-what they found on the bakery floor. And if comes on brioche I'm going to murder you. Then have you bought back so I can do it again. Fucking brioche. It's not bread, it's cake. Muffins too. Cake! Bacon cake? Fuckity fuck.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Feanor on May 14, 2015, 09:38:24 pm
Aye, a bacon roll is a finely-balanced thing.

It needs to be on white bread, but a nice crusty white bread roll is good.  It may cut the roof of your mouth with crispy sharpness, but that's OK.

Artisan breads are wrong, and the further they diverge from white bread, the worse they are.
Wholemeal rolls totally miss the point.

The Bacon / Bread ratio is critical, too.
There is a Goldilocks zone.

And the Bacon itself: not to lean; it requires the correct fat ratio.
But cooked till it's slightly crisp, not soggy, and not like USAin breakfast bacon that you break your teeth on.

And mustard.
A smear of Colemans adds the finishing touch.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 14, 2015, 09:57:42 pm
Bacon should be slightly crispy and smoked. That's all that needs to be said on the subject. Where is all the proper bacon in the US? I mean proper bacon must exist unless they have mutant bacon-free pigs. Perhaps they grow pork in giant vats, alchemically transforming hormones and additives into readily sliceable tubes of pork-derived product  Ah, they'll say, after I've laid out my porcine predicament in the manner of every Englishman ever to visit the colonies, you mean 'canadian bacon.' No I don't. That's just smoked ham. My girlfriend in Boston once was really pleased to present me with 'irish bacon'* which she was under the misapprehension solved my predicament. You know what Irish bacon is? Slices of smoked ham. I don't know what they taught her at MIT, but that's not bacon. It's the sort of thing that ought to be covered in Baconology 101. It's Kevin Bacon not Kevin Ham. They're not interchangeable.

Oh, and fuckers who serve burgers in croissants or doughnuts. You're fucked come food judgement day too.

*I'm not sure what this says about our relationship.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 15, 2015, 12:43:06 am
USAnian BACON is to the real thing as the poppadum is to, er, something that doesn't shatter at the merest hint of a fork and fly across the room blinding your fellow diners.  They have something they call "Canadian BACON" too.  I've never managed to work out what it is but if it's Canadian then it's probably:
I am planning to visit bits of Canada in September, so I shall try to find out.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on May 15, 2015, 06:45:30 am
The Australians have the same bacon problem. Given their recent split from the motherland you would think they could remember what bacon should be.

As for a bacon buttie, unsmoked, fat a little crispy on white bloomer, butter and brown sauce. Oh yes. Served with tea of the builders sort, coffee just doesn't work.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 15, 2015, 09:11:36 am
Canadian bacon is just smoked ham. Usually minus the fat and pre-cooked. Australian bacon appears to be similar. I'm genuinely curious as to where all the normal bacon goes in these countries? Do they grind it up and turn into reformed pork meat derivatives that they can pump down the gullet of their little foie gras children? In the future Americans will win wars by bowling those bloated pork-stuffed schoolchildren through the massed ranks of the terrorists, sending them spinning into oblivion, thus combining their wholesome US love of food, bowling, and war into one healthy activity for all the family. It's called Project Pork Bun. Bless you CIA, bless you.

Smokey bacon in sandwiches though. That's one of my disappointments in this country, I can't get a good fry up or bacon butty with smoked bacon.

And don't get me going on beef bacon. I'm in Dubai and as such I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel of shitty places, don't make it worse. At least signpost the infidel counter.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on May 15, 2015, 12:00:21 pm
In the future Americans will win wars by bowling those bloated pork-stuffed schoolchildren through the massed ranks of the terrorists, sending them spinning into oblivion, thus combining their wholesome US love of food, bowling, and war into one healthy activity for all the family. It's called Project Pork Bun. Bless you CIA, bless you.
:D ;D :D
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on May 15, 2015, 12:11:40 pm

And mustard.
A smear of Colemans adds the finishing touch.



Heretic! Brown sauce FTW!



Also, I actually like my bacon limp and flaccid but then I'm weird like that. I don't like toast that shatters when you bite either.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on May 15, 2015, 12:16:39 pm

And mustard.
A smear of Colemans adds the finishing touch.



Heretic! Brown sauce FTW!



Also, I actually like my bacon limp and flaccid but then I'm weird like that. I don't like toast that shatters when you bite either.

Floppy bacon, agreed! I like a little colour on the fat but otherwise floppy!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 15, 2015, 12:19:17 pm
Is Project Pork Bun in any way related to that pork barrel thingy that the USAnian government keeps its money in?  Since no-one has needed to keep pork in barrels since the invention of the refrigerator, you'd think it would have been replaced with something a bit more 20th century by now.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on May 15, 2015, 12:26:20 pm
Might the slush fund not also be updated to the reconstituted mechanically-recovered burger-meat fund?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on May 15, 2015, 10:42:51 pm
And the French have lardons  ::-)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on May 15, 2015, 11:07:31 pm
Just had proper bacon for tea.

We had to get it out of the packet and beat it into submission to get it to lie flat in the frying pan.

No limp Canadian or Mexican bacon here. This was full-bloodied British bacon. The kind that has to be wrestled into the pan, but when cooked it still fights, knowing that two pieces of play dough await it, followed by drowning in brown sauce. Eventually it gives up and says "OK, OK, I give in, I'll add to the collection of cancer-causing incidents you have in your life, and you now may not make it to 97.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on May 16, 2015, 10:23:22 am
And the French have lardons  ::-)
Yes but they do have confit du canard so they are forgiven.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Feanor on May 16, 2015, 10:35:30 pm
And don't get me going on beef bacon. I'm in Dubai and as such I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel of shitty places, don't make it worse. At least signpost the infidel counter.

Turkey 'Bacon' was the thing in Abu Dhabi when I was last there.
The hotel I was in served this up as the default option.

There was indeed an infidel counter, where a miserable-looking TPN doled up what seemed to be real pig-based protein.

You felt kind of dirty going up there, like you were trying to sneak into a seedy sex shop or something.  I got over that pretty quick, what with my experience of seedy sex shops and all.

The same hotel had a bar in the basement, that was open only to furriner infidels.
The 'religious police' would drop by from time to time to ensure no locals were enjoying the hospitality.

At least I was just there on business.
My, what fun it must be to go on your holliberries to the UAE, where the locals all basically hate you and resent you and your infidel types even being there.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 18, 2015, 10:36:39 am
Dubai could form the basis of a 'places rant thread.' I've never got my mind around the concept of a 'holiday' there, it's a giant shopping mall in the desert, in the middle of a motherway motorway system that makes Birmingham look nice, all built by slave labour, filled with the bling SUV-clad over-entitled dripping their designer labels everywhere, and you get to flit between hotel bars and restaurants while the locals and the foreign workers get to look on. Oh and it's filled with western workers who are 'all about the money' and will spend all their time telling you that, or would, if you can stand not planting a fork in their forehead.

But yeah, beef bacon. It's weird. I can eat turkey bacon (it used to be a thing over here, I'm sure). I've not been to Dubai for several years and hope to extend that record.

In other matters, where did all the Mexican places come from – I was in Spitalfields Market yesterday and I think it was all burrito and taco places. I've nothing against them, but hold on, healthy? HEALTHY. Get thyself to LA, one of taco vans, and find a taco smothered with cheese and good stuff. It's a calorie avalanche. I blame the those avocados. Ubiquitous green fuckers.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on May 18, 2015, 11:04:49 am
A motherway system? Oh, that could mean so many things!  :D
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 18, 2015, 11:37:32 am
I think it means the Google Chrome spellcheck is shit since it seems to think motherway is a correct word but spellcheck (ironically) isn't. I've no idea why Chrome doesn't just use the built-in Mac OED dictionary.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on May 18, 2015, 12:44:05 pm
I've no idea why Chrome doesn't just use the built-in Mac OED dictionary.

because Chrome is cross platform not just Mac. Not all platforms even have an inbuilt dictionary. Much easier to write one lot of code to use a dictionary plugin rather than a separate code for every platform.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 18, 2015, 10:08:45 pm
I've no idea why Chrome doesn't just use the built-in Mac OED dictionary.

because Chrome is cross platform not just Mac. Not all platforms even have an inbuilt dictionary. Much easier to write one lot of code to use a dictionary plugin rather than a separate code for every platform.

Well, it's a shit dictionary and I'm blaming it for my lexicographical misdoings from this point on.

In other news. Asparagus, you can fuck off too. Makes my wee smell like Beelzebub's used bath water. If that's not bad enough, try visiting a loo in Germany during their annual spargle-bargle.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 18, 2015, 10:53:52 pm
And if there's any way to add words to said dictionary on a box of compressed dates* then the Mega-Global Chocolate Manufactury Corporation of Mountain View, USAnia and the Mega-Global Fruit Corporation of Cupertino, USAnia have conspired to hide it from my ken.

* - slab of fruit (dies)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on May 19, 2015, 12:37:16 am
I was in the Congo the other year (the not-so-democratic one). Um Bongo? They don't fucking drink it in the Congo after all. What next? Kia Ora not too orangey for crows?

Red Rock Cider-it's not red and there's no rocks in it.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaAdSdZUzgs  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaAdSdZUzgs)

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on May 20, 2015, 11:06:46 am
Asparagus, you can fuck off too. Makes my wee smell like Beelzebub's used bath water.

Mr Smith wont eat sparragrass for this reason.

I don't get it. My shit smells awful sometimes but I still eat curry. Don't you flush?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Chris S on May 20, 2015, 12:28:20 pm
Asparagus, you can fuck off too. Makes my wee smell like Beelzebub's used bath water.

Mr Smith wont eat sparragrass for this reason.


Had some day before yesterday, so there  :P.

I do eat it - but yes, it does make my wee smell pretty grim. Generally speaking, on a low carb diet, wee should smell sweet like pear-drops, and poo doesn't smell at all.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on May 20, 2015, 12:41:18 pm
Asparagus makes everybody's wee smell (well, as long as they have eaten asparagus. Ian eating asparagus wouldn't affect my wee). It's just that not everyone can smell that their wee is affected.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 20, 2015, 01:14:36 pm
I believe there's two genes involved (according to the internet it's not entirely resolved): one to produce the stink and the other to smell the stink. So depending on the vagaries of your DNA you can either both make and smell it, make it and be blissfully unaware of it, not make it but smell the stink of others, or have no idea what we're talking about.

Anyway, to me it's an extremely pungent and profoundly disagreeable thiol odour (Proust, a renowned sniffer of things, including it seems his own chamberpot and possibly those of others – he was non-specific – thinks it's perfume but then he was French). I'm no fan of the smell of poo (I'm not sure if Proust had thoughts on the matter) but it's supposed to smell like that. Urine on the other hand shouldn't smell like used demonic bathwater.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on May 20, 2015, 01:27:14 pm
My asparagus rant is simply that everyone banging on about how amazing it is annoys me as I just find the stuff insipid and bland. I must not have the gene that makes it taste brilliant.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on May 20, 2015, 01:40:49 pm
I knew there was a gene to make your pee stink but not one for flavour.  Thought that was the Brussel sprouts gene.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on May 20, 2015, 01:42:51 pm
I knew there was a gene to make your pee stink but not one for flavour.  Thought that was the Brussel sprouts gene.

I thought the Brussel Sprout gene wasn't concerned with taste, but to do with detecting a poison that isn't within sprouts?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on May 20, 2015, 01:56:08 pm
Sprouts are the poison  :hand:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on May 20, 2015, 01:58:06 pm
BUUUUUT they contain vitamins an stuff...

Unfortunately one of those said vitamins can cause a problem, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/21/man-overdoses-on-brussels_n_2347448.html
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on May 20, 2015, 02:04:04 pm
BUUUUUT they contain vitamins an stuff...

Yes, but they make the taste of meths seem nice.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on May 20, 2015, 03:00:27 pm
I like sprouts. And asparagus. Though not together.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 20, 2015, 03:12:08 pm
My asparagus rant is simply that everyone banging on about how amazing it is annoys me as I just find the stuff insipid and bland. I must not have the gene that makes it taste brilliant.

This too, I mean I could put up with the demonic stink if they tasted like chocolate-coated, cake-battered manna, but it just tastes of, well, green. Even the white stuff which just compounds things by looking weird, like an alien penis. I will point out that I've never seen an alien penis. I don't for the record know if aliens even have penises and I'm not Googling because it'll just get weird. I'm sure there's an entire genre that I don't want to know about. The dinosaurs were enough.

I can't eat sprouts owing to seismic intestinal events that presage colonic vulcanism. I quite like sprouts, I'm big fan of the brassicas in general. This is mostly because their biochemical pathways fill me with a childlike glee. Fortunately cauliflower, broccoli, kale, and cabbage don't seem to cause the same level of internal tectonism.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 20, 2015, 03:21:38 pm
I quite like sprouts, I'm big fan of the brassicas in general. This is mostly because their biochemical pathways fill me with a childlike glee.

That, if I may be so bold, is no criterion by which to judge a foodstuff.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 20, 2015, 03:49:06 pm
Is to! Let it be known that the highlight of my scientific career was my discovery of how vitamin C is made by those happy little plants. The lowlight was getting a note from the editor of Nature saying they were just about to publish someone else's paper on the very same thing. To this very day I dream a bitter dream of L-galactose guanyltransferases.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on May 20, 2015, 04:33:58 pm
Had a perfectly servicable burger and chips served in a basket, which is better than a board but less so than a plate. The rant is simply because there was no room for sauce anywhere on the bloody basket. I had to get them to bring me one of those little pots they serve sauce in.

I am still very full as well.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 20, 2015, 07:47:50 pm
Bloody nora, I bought no-fat yoghurt by mistakes. Supposed to be cranberry and raspberry. It's like wallpaper paste but without the enticing flavour. Possibly it's some kind of spiritless ectoplasm, the residue of a successful flavour exorcism. Its the Derek Acorah of food products. Good god, maybe I can resurrect it by stirring in some creme fraiche.

OK, that wasn't one of my better ideas. Don't cross the dairy products. I have severe face pucker.

No-fat yoghurt, no-fat yoghurt to the big food fuck-off bin.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on May 20, 2015, 07:51:50 pm
Anything that claims to have less than the proper amount of fat in it should be avoided, I reckon.  (The same goes for reduced sugar, though not quite as strictly, depending on how you get on with aspartame.)

If you're trying to reduce fat intake, eat smaller portions or choose a different food entirely.  Anything that's unnaturally low-fat will, by definition, ming.

See also: margarine.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on May 20, 2015, 08:15:07 pm
See also butter and mayonnaise.
Small portion of delicious goodness outstrips big pile of watery ming always.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Andrew Br on May 20, 2015, 11:27:56 pm
Had a perfectly servicable burger and chips served in a basket, which is better than a board but less so than a plate. The rant is simply because there was no room for sauce anywhere on the bloody basket. I had to get them to bring me one of those little pots they serve sauce in.

I am still very full as well.

Interestingly (or not) 504steve's and my "Gourmet Burgers" were served on plates last night on Oscar's Dad's latest Manchester visit ride out but TEC's "Hereford Burger" came on a plank of wood.
This was in a Chef and Brewer and yes, it was too much food.

Not so much a rant, more a POI.

As you were.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on May 20, 2015, 11:45:59 pm
Interestingly (or not) 504steve's and my "Gourmet Burgers" were served on plates last night on Oscar's Dad's latest Manchester visit ride out but TEC's "Hereford Burger" came on a plank of wood.

Meanwhile on Tim Hall's latest Coventry visit ride (https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=90587.msg1864504#msg1864504) the food was served on plates, though a plank of wood was deployed in order to make two bowls of chips easier to carry.  It was also noted that the pies weren't not-a-pies.


Another POI.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on May 21, 2015, 08:53:20 am
When I rule the (food) word, there will be a law against serving food on slates, planks, shoes, kitchen scales, in fact anything that is not-a-plate.

Also any chef who even contemplates putting a sprig of parsley on ANY food before sending it out to the customer will be shot. Until DEAD.  Either chop the fucker up and sprinkle it or don't fucking bother.

Serving pies that are not pies will be dealt with by re-education.  By bears. With shuvels.

And finally, any chef who FUCKS with the classic recipes (I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk), like, lets say putting WARM potatoes in a Salad Nicoise AND not putting any fucking anchovies in, will be whipped in front of their customers them sent to work down the salt mines. Fuckers.  If you advertise something as X, I want X, not a "reimagining of X" or an "interpretation of X", which nearly always turns out as SHIT, not X.

Right, I'm going for a lie down in a darkened room now.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on May 21, 2015, 10:45:21 am
Potatoes in Salad Nicoise?? Non!!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ham on May 21, 2015, 11:00:54 am
I made the VERY bad mistake of ordering a salad nicoise in Australia Zoo (the one where they haven't really found out that Steve Irwin has Passed On. Well, they have found out but are working around - recommended visit anyhow)

Absent:
Anchovies
Tomato
Tuna
Green Beans

Present:
Eggs
potato
Salad leaves
Cucumber
Dressing
Cretins. That's like croutons only vastly larger and with any flavour processed into sawdust.

Work that one out.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on May 21, 2015, 12:34:43 pm
When I rule the (food) word...

Top rantage.   :thumbsup:


Have I complained about beer batter yet?

Well I'm going to do it again.

Chish'n'fips.  A fine traditional pub meal, and relatively immune form unwarranted meddling (except for regional variations on the pea axis).  That's unless some fuckwit has made the fish taste not of fish, but of fish that's been swimming in a barrel of ale.  If I wanted beer with my chish'n'fips, I'd buy a pint.  It is, after all, a pub.  Stop fucking up perfectly good food for those of us who *gasp* Don't Like Beer.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: perpetual dan on May 21, 2015, 03:03:32 pm
I made the VERY bad mistake of ordering a salad nicoise in Australia Zoo (the one where they haven't really found out that Steve Irwin has Passed On. Well, they have found out but are working around - recommended visit anyhow)

Absent:
Anchovies
Tomato
Tuna
Green Beans

Present:
Eggs
potato
Salad leaves
Cucumber
Dressing
Cretins. That's like croutons only vastly larger and with any flavour processed into sawdust.

Work that one out.

Are the cretins a substitute for the fish? Salad Cretinoise, if you will.  :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on May 21, 2015, 03:15:29 pm
But diid the Salad nicoise have olives?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on May 21, 2015, 03:30:12 pm
I was reading a recipe on line a few months ago and one of the comments made me laugh out loud. It was worse than your salad nicoise. Can't remember the recipe now but it was something like "baked lamb and lentils in a spicy tomato sauce". The comments were all I love this and really great but had swapped out the chilli for paprkia etc etc much as you would expect until one which went something like this:

Lovely recipe, it's become of my families favourites but I made a few changes. I am vegetarian so swapped the lamb for mushrooms. I don't like lentils so replaced them with onions. I'm allergic to tomato so decided to use cream instead. Not keen on spicy food so omitted the chillies. Baking in the oven takes too long so I do it all in a pan on the hob.

Words fail me.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 21, 2015, 03:31:36 pm
That's not a salad niçoise, it's just stuff they harvested from a derelict car park with sauce on it. It's the same theory as a 'bistro' salad which is really just weeds they pulled up from the abandoned building site around the corner. It's like rocket has to be 'wild'. Not it isn't, I don't see anyone chasing it around the countryside. That's wild. Growing it in a field is not wild. On that basis, I have wild broccoli in my fridge.

Gourmet burgers! Oi. Reading the paper they're now doing tapas burgers. Chorizo no less. That's not a fucking burger, it's a sausage.

And people who pronounce chorizo with a lisp. Are you Spanish? No. Then fuck off until you can pronounce it English-style.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on May 21, 2015, 03:38:21 pm
Lovely recipe, it's become of my families favourites but I made a few changes. I am vegetarian so swapped the lamb for mushrooms. I don't like lentils so replaced them with onions. I'm allergic to tomato so decided to use cream instead. Not keen on spicy food so omitted the chillies. Baking in the oven takes too long so I do it all in a pan on the hob.


I hope that post was an ironic response to others who had substituted various ingredients etc.

But it reminded me of a Delia Smith "Rissotto" - you know, the dish where you stir the rise to make the gloopy sauce.

She baked it in the oven. 
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 21, 2015, 04:24:10 pm
And people who pronounce chorizo with a lisp. Are you Spanish? No. Then fuck off until you can pronounce it English-style.

If you athk for chorizo inna-Thpanish-thtylee in Occupied Mexico the localth will look at you athkance, though it ith utheful to have a THpanish thpeaker in the party jutht in cathe.

When it was necessary to communicate details of a road closure to a car-load of Spanish-only ranch-hands my grate frend Mr Leone was heard to observe "sixty years I've lived in southern California and I have to get a Brit* to do the Spanish translation!"

* - not me.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on May 21, 2015, 05:47:20 pm
My mate's mental Canadian fiancée once told off a waiter in Spain for bringing her a tortilla (potato and egg thing)  instead of the tortilla (flat bread thing)  she thought she ordered. She went as far as shouting in Spanish, this is not a tortilla. They broke up shortly afterwards
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on May 21, 2015, 09:11:37 pm
Lovely recipe, it's become of my families favourites but I made a few changes. I am vegetarian so swapped the lamb for mushrooms. I don't like lentils so replaced them with onions. I'm allergic to tomato so decided to use cream instead. Not keen on spicy food so omitted the chillies. Baking in the oven takes too long so I do it all in a pan on the hob.


I hope that post was an ironic response to others who had substituted various ingredients etc.

But it reminded me of a Delia Smith "Rissotto" - you know, the dish where you stir the rise to make the gloopy sauce.

She baked it in the oven.
I have the recipe book with that recipe in it, and she says she developed it specifically to avoid the aeons of stirring risotto requires. And I've made it, and it's lovely.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Deano on May 21, 2015, 10:34:58 pm
When I rule the (food) word, there will be a law against serving food on slates, planks, shoes, kitchen scales, in fact anything that is not-a-plate.

Also any chef who even contemplates putting a sprig of parsley on ANY food before sending it out to the customer will be shot. Until DEAD.  Either chop the fucker up and sprinkle it or don't fucking bother.

Serving pies that are not pies will be dealt with by re-education.  By bears. With shuvels.

And finally, any chef who FUCKS with the classic recipes (I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk), like, lets say putting WARM potatoes in a Salad Nicoise AND not putting any fucking anchovies in, will be whipped in front of their customers them sent to work down the salt mines. Fuckers.  If you advertise something as X, I want X, not a "reimagining of X" or an "interpretation of X", which nearly always turns out as SHIT, not X.

Right, I'm going for a lie down in a darkened room now.

And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok? ;)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on May 22, 2015, 12:27:31 am
When I rule the (food) word, there will be a law against serving food on slates, planks, shoes, kitchen scales, in fact anything that is not-a-plate.

Also any chef who even contemplates putting a sprig of parsley on ANY food before sending it out to the customer will be shot. Until DEAD.  Either chop the fucker up and sprinkle it or don't fucking bother.

Serving pies that are not pies will be dealt with by re-education.  By bears. With shuvels.

And finally, any chef who FUCKS with the classic recipes (I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk), like, lets say putting WARM potatoes in a Salad Nicoise AND not putting any fucking anchovies in, will be whipped in front of their customers them sent to work down the salt mines. Fuckers.  If you advertise something as X, I want X, not a "reimagining of X" or an "interpretation of X", which nearly always turns out as SHIT, not X.

Right, I'm going for a lie down in a darkened room now.

And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok? ;)

I don't mind that *too* much, but the ones who ask the same question ten seconds in, before I've so much as tasted anything let alone begun to form a judgment on it, are lucky my BRITONS' reserve prevents me from doing anything other than reply "lovely, thank you" before silently fuming until the end of the course.

Waiters who deliver your food with a breezy "Enjoy!" (or worse, "Enjoy?" with a rising interrogative) will be second against the wall.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on May 22, 2015, 12:46:18 am
Intrusive and predatory (vultures hovering over your table to swoop on your plate if you put your fork down for half a minute) waiting staff are the reason I often prefer a takeaway delivered to my home to eating out.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 22, 2015, 02:09:35 am
And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok? ;)

Fork.  Throat.  Pudding.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on May 22, 2015, 07:52:00 am
And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok? ;)

Fork.  ThroatEYES.  Pudding.

There, that's much better....
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on May 22, 2015, 07:53:59 am
When I rule the (food) word, there will be a law against serving food on slates, planks, shoes, kitchen scales, in fact anything that is not-a-plate.

Also any chef who even contemplates putting a sprig of parsley on ANY food before sending it out to the customer will be shot. Until DEAD.  Either chop the fucker up and sprinkle it or don't fucking bother.

Serving pies that are not pies will be dealt with by re-education.  By bears. With shuvels.

And finally, any chef who FUCKS with the classic recipes (I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk), like, lets say putting WARM potatoes in a Salad Nicoise AND not putting any fucking anchovies in, will be whipped in front of their customers them sent to work down the salt mines. Fuckers.  If you advertise something as X, I want X, not a "reimagining of X" or an "interpretation of X", which nearly always turns out as SHIT, not X.

Right, I'm going for a lie down in a darkened room now.

And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok? ;)

I forgot that one, either I am slipping, or no one has done it to me for a while.

The obvious answer is that they will be shot somewhere that really hurts (like Swindon, or the nether regions) and then asked "Is everything ok?"
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jasmine on May 22, 2015, 09:46:27 am
Intrusive and predatory (vultures hovering over your table to swoop on your plate if you put your fork down for half a minute) waiting staff are the reason I often prefer a takeaway delivered to my home to eating out.

I also hate this.  Especially when they take the plate of the first person to finish, when someone else is still eating.  It's rude and makes that person feel rushed.  One of my friends always makes a point of telling the server this when they are about to whisk his plate away.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 22, 2015, 10:17:29 am
I just growl menacingly as they approach the table.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on May 22, 2015, 10:20:30 am
Start with a simple "We've not finished yet"

If that doesn't work, try "Put those plates back, please"

If that still doesn't work "Fuck you cnut, leave us alone" should get the message across.

If that still fails, releasing the herd of attack ferrets usually gets their attention.

What do you mean, you don't carry a herd of attack ferrets?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on May 22, 2015, 10:40:12 am
This is always a problem for me, as I like to eat slowly and enjoy my food.  This means that my cutlery is quite often down on the plate.
It's even worse in restaurants where you have booked a table at a reasonably early hour of the evening.  The gits will almost harass us as they think they will be able to get another cover in after us.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on May 22, 2015, 11:54:08 am
I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk

Another pub that can't decide if it's a pub or a restaurant and then fails on both counts.
Avoid anywhere with Farrow and Ball colour schemes.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 22, 2015, 12:07:43 pm
And restaurants that don't take bookings. That's a particular fuckbear of mine. It's not cool to stand outside and hope you'll get a seat. Especially for a gourmet burger, which, if you remember, is just a meat sandwich. And in that strange inversion of common sense, empty pubs with 'reserved for Sophie 7pm' signs on half the tables. I don't know who Sophie is, but she can fuck off, because it's 7.30pm and I want to sit down. So we can reserve a table in a pub but not a restaurant. Welcome to progress.

I remember a while back being dragged to that Wahaca place that promises Mexican street food (that's another thing, street food – served in a restaurant). No bookings, senor, but you can wile away your time in our bar. It's 10pm, will we get served? He shrugs: maybe. So, hold on, we get to wait on the off-chance your staff might just fuck off home and leave us hungry?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Martin109 on May 22, 2015, 04:47:28 pm
This is always a problem for me, as I like to eat slowly and enjoy my food.  This means that my cutlery is quite often down on the plate.
It's even worse in restaurants where you have booked a table at a reasonably early hour of the evening.  The gits will almost harass us as they think they will be able to get another cover in after us.

... and most people seem to have forgotten the signal given by their placement; I'm sure you don't place your knife and fork neatly side by side, which would be the conventional sign that you have now finished, and the situation is misread through ignorance.  Maybe the serving staff are from foreign parts, where the same cutlery etiquette does not apply...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 22, 2015, 06:31:02 pm
Staff who try to take your plate away at inappropriate times can usually be discouraged with a fork in the back of the hand.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on May 22, 2015, 07:09:58 pm
This is always a problem for me, as I like to eat slowly and enjoy my food.  This means that my cutlery is quite often down on the plate.
It's even worse in restaurants where you have booked a table at a reasonably early hour of the evening.  The gits will almost harass us as they think they will be able to get another cover in after us.

... and most people seem to have forgotten the signal given by their placement; I'm sure you don't place your knife and fork neatly side by side, which would be the conventional sign that you have now finished, and the situation is misread through ignorance.  Maybe the serving staff are from foreign parts, where the same cutlery etiquette does not apply...

This might well be true at the Chinese restaurant but the impatience of the vultures is inexcusable anyway.
15 seconds is not enough!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on May 22, 2015, 08:02:22 pm
Indeed, I was under the impression corn flakes were invented as a cure for masturbation. Can't say I find my "community trade marked shape" wheat biscuits and muesli that erotic either, but maybe I should add it to the try anything once list?

I thought that they were intended to cure depression.
 
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on May 22, 2015, 08:11:26 pm
This is always a problem for me, as I like to eat slowly and enjoy my food.  This means that my cutlery is quite often down on the plate.
It's even worse in restaurants where you have booked a table at a reasonably early hour of the evening.  The gits will almost harass us as they think they will be able to get another cover in after us.

... and most people seem to have forgotten the signal given by their placement; I'm sure you don't place your knife and fork neatly side by side, which would be the conventional sign that you have now finished, and the situation is misread through ignorance.  Maybe the serving staff are from foreign parts, where the same cutlery etiquette does not apply...

Exactly.  If I haven't finished, my knife and fork will be at 20 past 8.  When I've finished, my signal is to place them at half past 6, 25 past 5 or 25 to 7.
This signal seems to have dropped out of the understanding of most minimum wage kids.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on May 22, 2015, 08:16:12 pm
Exactly.  If I haven't finished, my knife and fork will be at 20 past 8.  When I've finished, my signal is to place them at half past 6, 25 past 5 or 25 to 7.
This signal seems to have dropped out of the understanding of most minimum wage kids.

That's because they've all got digital watches.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on May 22, 2015, 08:20:36 pm
OK, so I need to get some e-cutlery.  :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Oaky on May 22, 2015, 08:59:07 pm
Apropos of nothing in particular: forummers who sound like food and are therefore allowed to rant about anything they like on this thread:-

Basil
Ham
mcshroom
cheese
.
.
.
err...


(I think we have the makings of a pizza there though!)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 22, 2015, 09:10:26 pm
Exactly.  If I haven't finished, my knife and fork will be at 20 past 8.  When I've finished, my signal is to place them at half past 6, 25 past 5 or 25 to 7.
This signal seems to have dropped out of the understanding of most minimum wage kids.

That's because they've all got digital watches.

And are so amazingly primitive they still think these are a pretty neat idea?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on May 23, 2015, 07:01:22 pm
So you need digital cutlery. Fingers.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on May 23, 2015, 07:43:17 pm
Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 24, 2015, 12:42:19 am
This might well be true at the Chinese restaurant but the impatience of the vultures is inexcusable anyway.
15 seconds is not enough!

It's much harder to stab someone with a chopstick, so perhaps we should not be so critical of the ancient Chinese for their apparent failure to invent the fork.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on May 24, 2015, 09:45:34 am
Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?

For those unfortunate enough to suffer from Geographical Tongue*, but enjoy the taste of curry and/or Chili?

*Yes it is a thing, a very painful thing, look it up :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on May 24, 2015, 11:30:30 am
Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?

For those unfortunate enough to suffer from Geographical Tongue*, but enjoy the taste of curry and/or Chili?

*Yes it is a thing, a very painful thing, look it up :)

I think the point is instead of mild powder why not just add less of normal strength ?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on May 24, 2015, 12:20:43 pm
Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?

For those unfortunate enough to suffer from Geographical Tongue*, but enjoy the taste of curry and/or Chili?

*Yes it is a thing, a very painful thing, look it up :)

I think the point is instead of mild powder why not just add less of normal strength ?

A good curry is a subtle mix of spices, of which heat is only one component.
Those who like some aromas may be more sensitive to hot chilli but still savour multiple other flavours.

I do not measure my manhood in Scoville units.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale)  note totally inconsistent spelling of 'chilli' (chile chille)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on May 24, 2015, 12:33:50 pm
Good point hadn't thought of that.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on May 24, 2015, 01:28:40 pm
http://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2015/may/24/premium-burger-joints-rise-britain-datablog

Quote
The Gourmet Burger Kitchen’s trademark burger since 2001 – the Kiwi burger – is made up of beef, beetroot, egg, pineapple, cheese, salad, relish and mayo.

(http://i.guim.co.uk/static/w-1065/h--/q-95/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/5/21/1432211792897/f3f8b339-ac2a-4aa1-9120-a78aba217c0b-2060x1236.jpeg)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on May 25, 2015, 11:05:09 am
Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?

For those unfortunate enough to suffer from Geographical Tongue*, but enjoy the taste of curry and/or Chili?

*Yes it is a thing, a very painful thing, look it up :)

I think the point is instead of mild powder why not just add less of normal strength ?

A good curry is a subtle mix of spices, of which heat is only one component.
Those who like some aromas may be more sensitive to hot chilli but still savour multiple other flavours.

I do not measure my manhood in Scoville units.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale)  note totally inconsistent spelling of 'chilli' (chile chille)

Exactly as Helly says.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: spesh on May 25, 2015, 11:29:00 pm
http://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2015/may/24/premium-burger-joints-rise-britain-datablog

Quote
The Gourmet Burger Kitchen’s trademark burger since 2001 – the Kiwi burger – is made up of beef, beetroot, egg, pineapple, cheese, salad, relish and mayo.

(http://i.guim.co.uk/static/w-1065/h--/q-95/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/5/21/1432211792897/f3f8b339-ac2a-4aa1-9120-a78aba217c0b-2060x1236.jpeg)

Beetroot? The bind moggles!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on May 26, 2015, 11:09:37 am
Kiwis stick beetroot on or in everything. Possibly it's just for a tourists. Maybe they have giant beetroot farms on the North Island and need to get rid of the stuff.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 26, 2015, 11:46:32 am
From what I've heard about recent-ish developments in New Toyland's agriculture you can expect beetroot to be cropping up in Chinese cooking RSN.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jacomus on June 01, 2015, 03:56:23 pm
"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

er... I'm going to go with 'fuck no'.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on June 01, 2015, 03:57:21 pm
"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

er... I'm going to go with 'fuck no'.

I'd go with "Would you like your face and my fist to share the same space for a second or two?"
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hatler on June 01, 2015, 04:20:09 pm
"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

er... I'm going to go with 'fuck no'.


Name and shame. Where ?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on June 01, 2015, 06:14:33 pm
"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

WHAT.  THE.  ACTUAL.  FUCK ???

It's my dinner, not performance fucking art :o
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Chris S on June 01, 2015, 06:44:01 pm
I'd previously missed recent activity about over-intrusive front of house staff.

A Smith Family Member is a chef, and (usually) has some influence over front of house. He and I had previously decided that the best way to respond to the "Everything all right for you sir/madam?" scenario was to empty your mouth into your cupped hands, say "Yes, thank you very much", or better still - stare disapprovingly at the mush in your hands and pronounce "NO! Inform chef that the Petis-pois needed another 35 seconds". Then, put the mush back in your mouth and resume your previous conversation1.

I think using Computer Science Basics works very well Front of House. Staff should adopt the Poll/Interrupt principles. They should poll all the tables, from afar and have a map in their heads of everyone's status. You shouldn't NEED to ask if everything is OK - you should be able to determine that in (to borrow a military term) a Stand Off Manner. The interrupt should come from the table - Hand Raised or pretentious twat voice calling "Waiter! Waiter!" generally would be of a lower priority than "HELP! Does anyone know the Heimlich manoeuvre?".

The response I've had to these suggestions so far - "Huh! Most front of house staff barely speak English; how do you expect them to know our body language?".

It's a work in progress.




============
1 This can actually be quite difficult to achieve if you're (a) at all squeamish or (3) even remotely emetophobic. Putting pre-masticated goo back in your mouth is pretty much contraindicated in these circumstances.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on June 01, 2015, 06:59:26 pm
Yeahbut if FOH staff adopted computer science principles, then each table's cutlery allocation would consist of n fsporks.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 01, 2015, 07:26:11 pm
"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

WHAT.  THE.  ACTUAL.  FUCK ???

It's my dinner, not performance fucking art :o

I know someone who willing does this with every bloody meal she eats.  It's really fucking annoying. It's not one of those here's-what-I-ate-for-year projects that might have some artistic merit (it's already been done a billion times so don't bother), but just vanity. She's one of these people who has to put every single aspect of her life on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. etc. I'm sure she blogs her trips to the shitcan. Probably live. I wouldn't mind, but to be honest, she's quite dull. Commentary like 'here's my dinner. OMG! Those tomatoes are RED!!!' Razor-sharp wit and insight there. OMG there's a fork stuck right in your head!!! Someone is going to Instagram that. She's on my people to avoid list. Handily she lives in Toronto, so it's not so challenging.

She's one of those 'you must follow me on Instagram' screechers. No, I mustn't. Everyone seems to be screeching that at the moment, there were a couple either side of Clerkenwell Rd the other day, the woman with the you must follow me on Instagram. What name? shouts the guy, DirtyHotBlonde-something she yells back at 1000 Db. I would have said something (it may come as a surprise but I just type or say whatever comes into my brain), but my wife gave me the don't-she's-bigger-than-you look.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on June 01, 2015, 09:25:16 pm
Yeahbut if FOH staff adopted computer science principles, then each table's cutlery allocation would consist of n fsporks.

Nah if they adopted the *nix principle there would be 273 different types of cutlery each designed to deal with precisely one function of eating a particular class of food really really well.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 02, 2015, 09:52:04 am
"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

"Of course. Here are my advertising rates. Oh, you want me to move the cutlery? Here are my design rates."
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jakob W on June 02, 2015, 10:37:57 am
I don't mind the 'is everything OK with your meal?' query - when I was FOH we were told to do this for a couple of  reasons:
-Ensuring the diners were indeed enjoying their food (and that we hadn't missed any orders)
-Doing this early on in the meal means that there is no opportunity for someone to clear their plate and then throw a strop in the hope of getting the meal comped...

IME this is pretty unobtrusive, and can be done while passing the table. What annoys me is hovery waitstaff, especially when reaching on to the table; I've got two working arms, and I can top up my wine glass at my own pace, thanks.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jacomus on June 02, 2015, 01:05:45 pm
Ugh, I reckon know ian's Toronto based life-sharer's twin sister. ::-)

As for the restaurant, I knew I was going to be dicing with some kind of social media bollix, as it was a pop-up restaurant in Hoxton. Still, aside from the social media aspect, it was well priced and delicious. Also, they didn't recoil in horror when I took Lady Bertie inside, so bonus points there.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on June 02, 2015, 01:47:15 pm
I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on June 02, 2015, 02:02:38 pm
I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Or just faded away even?

Spangles........
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on June 02, 2015, 04:01:58 pm
Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

When I was a young Mr Larrington a pint of BEER was 35p :-\
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on June 02, 2015, 04:08:43 pm
Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

When I was a young Mr Larrington a pint of BEER was 35p :-\

In that case you still are a young Mr. Larrington. When I was young a pint of Younger's was 1/9d.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on June 02, 2015, 05:50:49 pm
Bugger. Beat me by a penny.
1/10d
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on June 02, 2015, 06:24:09 pm
Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

When I was a young Mr Larrington a pint of BEER was 35p :-\

In that case you still are a young Mr. Larrington. When I was young a pint of Younger's was 1/9d.

The cheapest beer I ever bought was 1/6d a pint, but it was rubbish. Decent beer was 1/10d a pint. Draught Guinness was 2/6d a pint... A brew for bloated plutocrats.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Oaky on June 02, 2015, 06:37:12 pm
I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

The last Polos I bought (a couple of weeks back) were from the 99p store and therefore cost 99p for six or possibly eight packs.  They are Indonesian imports though, and have a slightly different texture to the normal UK ones.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on June 03, 2015, 09:04:35 pm
I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Youngster! I remember when they were 2½p.

The house my parents bought for £12K in 1968, when I was ten sold for £1.2M in 2012, so that's a factor of 100.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Bledlow on June 03, 2015, 09:30:37 pm

And mustard.
A smear of Colemans adds the finishing touch.



Heretic! Brown sauce FTW!



Also, I actually like my bacon limp and flaccid but then I'm weird like that. I don't like toast that shatters when you bite either.

Floppy bacon, agreed! I like a little colour on the fat but otherwise floppy!
Sounds just right.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 04, 2015, 10:36:20 am
A friend of mine at school was crushed to death under a falling Wagon Wheel. It's what he would have wanted. Don't believe them when they claim the size hasn't changed. And back in 1984 I knocked out three people by carelessly turning around with a Curly Wurly in my hand.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on June 04, 2015, 10:45:35 am
I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Youngster! I remember when they were 2½p.

The house my parents bought for £12K in 1968, when I was ten sold for £1.2M in 2012, so that's a factor of 100.

Must have been a big house! My parent's house, the one I grew up in, cost £9750 in 1977, and sold for £250k in 2002, then for £450k in 2007 (to be fair, between 2002 and 2007 the then owners did a LOT of work on it and the land attached)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on June 04, 2015, 11:11:19 am
I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Crisps were 3d when I first bought some.... (or approximately 1 1/2p)

Mars Bars were 9d (rounded up to 4p at decimalisation).

I suspect I'm a bit (lot!) older than you :-)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 04, 2015, 02:02:45 pm
I used to spend my 10p pocket money on The Beano (8p) and a packet of crisps (2p). I think The Beano costs £2 now. More importantly, my favourite flavour is no longer salt and vinegar.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Andrij on June 04, 2015, 02:09:05 pm
I used to spend my 10p pocket money on The Beano (8p) and a packet of crisps (2p). I think The Beano costs £2 now. More importantly, my favourite flavour is no longer salt and vinegar.

I didn't realise The Beano was available in a range of flavours.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 04, 2015, 02:36:03 pm
Sadly, it isn't anymore, but it used to be available in Whizzer and Chips flavour. This cost a whole 10p, which meant ironically I couldn't have crisps with my Chips.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on June 04, 2015, 03:34:27 pm
My favourite flavour was KP fried onion crisps. Used to buy a bag of them, 4 fruit salad for a penny, 4 blackjacks for a penny and 2 lemon phantom chews for a penny. Occasionally I would get a Buttersnap bar instead of the chews.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pumpkin on June 04, 2015, 03:34:45 pm
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jun/04/caffix-cafe-london-fitzrovia

Good news here tho'
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 04, 2015, 04:52:38 pm
Ah, the 10p mix, that was a school day dilemma. Go for quantity and splurge on Mojos, two for a penny, or double up on 1p Black Jacks or Fruit Salad (this was the only fruit available in my town until 1993 when the first apple arrived and the Coop fruit and veg section started to be filled by something other than unusually shaped pieces of a coal). Assorted gobstoppers, bon-bons, cola and pineapple cubes, cola bottles (fizzy and flat), flying saucers, white faux-choc mice were available for a penny. Upgrade to 2p and you got the blue bubblegum stuff that tastes like no grape I've ever met, giant gobstoppers, licorice string, and other concoctions of gelatine.

The alternative was quality. The Curly Wurly rocked in a 7p, or a Chupa Chups at 4p (some vfm chewage there). Blowing the entire 7p in one go was a big deal.

The best plan was to maximize your spread and quantity and quality and save the Curly Wurly till Friday. You could get Milky Ways too, but they were – for some reason – regarded as girl food. Things were more complex in summer, since you'd need to figure in 2p or 5p ice pops.

Later, we discovered that it was perilously easy just to nick pick n mix from Woolies, as the counter was by the front door.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on June 05, 2015, 10:43:44 pm
I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Youngster! I remember when they were 2½p.

The house my parents bought for £12K in 1968, when I was ten sold for £1.2M in 2012, so that's a factor of 100.

Must have been a big house! My parent's house, the one I grew up in, cost £9750 in 1977, and sold for £250k in 2002, then for £450k in 2007 (to be fair, between 2002 and 2007 the then owners did a LOT of work on it and the land attached)

5 bedrooms, one bathroom, no garage, no off-street parking, Hampstead Garden Suburb.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on June 09, 2015, 10:18:10 pm
Back on the subject of crap serving:

(https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8858/18624260676_fb60912e9a_z.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/unLcQG)
IMG_5082 (https://flic.kr/p/unLcQG) by The Pingus (https://www.flickr.com/photos/the_pingus/), on Flickr
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on June 09, 2015, 11:15:28 pm
I missed all the beer price chat. 11p a pint.

I only could manage ten pints in two hours though, so got by.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on June 09, 2015, 11:18:12 pm
I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Youngster! I remember when they were 2½p.

The house my parents bought for £12K in 1968, when I was ten sold for £1.2M in 2012, so that's a factor of 100.

£500 1957
£3.75m 2010

Not sure of the factor, or who sold it for that much.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: lahoski on June 10, 2015, 11:38:49 am
Back on the subject of crap serving:

(https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8858/18624260676_fb60912e9a_z.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/unLcQG)
IMG_5082 (https://flic.kr/p/unLcQG) by The Pingus (https://www.flickr.com/photos/the_pingus/), on Flickr
It's rusty...? :-(
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 10, 2015, 11:55:57 am
(http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view7/3631028/can-can-o.gif)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on June 10, 2015, 02:05:14 pm
Why the feck wasn't I force fed mature cheddar and ham toasties or cheese on toast as a younger?

Why has it taken until a month and a half before my 53rd buffday to realize I love the stuff?

Fuzzy- you may well be Super Twat >:(
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Vince on June 11, 2015, 12:19:03 pm
Limited edition Cappuccino Twix  :sick:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on June 12, 2015, 09:42:56 am
Why the feck wasn't I force fed mature cheddar and ham toasties or cheese on toast as a younger?

Why has it taken until a month and a half before my 53rd buffday to realize I love the stuff?

Fuzzy- you may well be Super Twat >:(
Seriously?

Hmm, now you need to try welsh rarebit (cheese sauce made with beer, very thick, spread on bread then toasted)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ham on June 12, 2015, 10:19:34 am
Why the feck wasn't I force fed mature cheddar and ham toasties or cheese on toast as a younger?

Why has it taken until a month and a half before my 53rd buffday to realize I love the stuff?

Fuzzy- you may well be Super Twat >:(
Seriously?

Hmm, now you need to try welsh rarebit (cheese sauce made with beer AND MUSTARD, very thick, spread on bread then toasted)

FTFY
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on June 12, 2015, 12:53:23 pm
Why the feck wasn't I force fed mature cheddar and ham toasties or cheese on toast as a younger?

Why has it taken until a month and a half before my 53rd buffday to realize I love the stuff?

Fuzzy- you may well be Super Twat >:(
Seriously?

Hmm, now you need to try welsh rarebit (cheese sauce made with beer, very thick, spread on bread then toasted)

Yes, seriously.

As a sprog I hated the taste of cheese. The taste and texture made me heave. I therefore avoided it like the plague.

I later married a fellow cheese hater.

About 20 years ago we sampled a very small bit of pizza which we enjoyed and pizza entered the menu but, cheddar style cheeses were still to much.

Earlier this year SWMBO and I went to the Ideal Home Exhibition and tried a small sample of cheese and tomato toastie, cooked up to demo toastie bags. They were nice. We then discovered that the cheese was mature cheddar so started experimenting. In my case this included ham and cheese sandwiches.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on June 18, 2015, 10:18:12 pm
Coconut and lime cider... My first reaction was disgust.  On reading the label it turns out to be "pear cider"; there's a word for that! It's perry, for fuck's sake!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on June 19, 2015, 12:09:27 am
Why the feck wasn't I force fed mature cheddar and ham toasties or cheese on toast as a younger?

Why has it taken until a month and a half before my 53rd buffday to realize I love the stuff?

Fuzzy- you may well be Super Twat >:(
Seriously?

Hmm, now you need to try welsh rarebit (cheese sauce made with beer, very thick, spread on bread then toasted)

Yes, seriously.

[...]

Does not compute.

OUT OF CHEESE ERROR.  REDO FROM START.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on June 19, 2015, 12:56:21 am
As a sprog I hated the taste of cheese. The taste and texture made me heave. I therefore avoided it like the plague.

I later married a fellow cheese hater.

When I read this a few days ago I had to go and scoff some Roquefort just to restore the world to balance. I hadn't realised such people existed.

(Cheese currently in fridge: Stilton, mature Cheddar, aged Red Leicester, Reblochon, Brie, Manchego, Parmesan. Cheese recently finished (last day or two): Roquefort, Jarlsberg. Cheese less recently finished (last month or so): Chevre, Somerset goats, St Endellion, Ossau Iraty. Somehow it never seems enough.)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on June 19, 2015, 08:40:04 am
Blimey, that's some cheese habit you've got there!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on June 19, 2015, 08:44:30 am
You're the one that's posted pictures of the stuff!

(But yes, I do find myself apologising if I put together a cheese board and there are only six or seven on it .)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 19, 2015, 09:16:00 am
Such people do exist. I'm a cheese person and so, to an extent at least, is Mrs Cudzo, but together we've sprogged a cheese-abominater. Although he does like cottage cheese and similar white cheeses.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on June 19, 2015, 09:21:17 am
I love nothing better than a good cheese board, Mrs T can take it or leave it (though she does love Kit Calvert Wensleydale and an occasional bit of Iberico).  TLD is likewise not too bothered.

Those who have been to one can attest to the cheeseboard brought out at the end of my BBQs.  6 seems to be an optimum number, any more and it gets too confusing, any less and it seems stingy.

There should be:
A blue cheese
A soft cheese
Mousetrap
A crumbly cheese
A variation on one of the above (a soft blue cheese, for example)
A wildcard (this year I am trying to get hold of some Llanut)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Vince on June 19, 2015, 09:33:15 am
Whilst I have always enjoyed cheese, I could never stand the smell of cooked cheese such as Welsh Rarebit or macaroni cheese. As a result i was in my twenties when I first tried pizza. Have been making up for it ever since.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 19, 2015, 09:44:22 am
I ate some blue cheese the other day and wasn't immediately violently sick, which was a surprise. Though I had to neutralise it with half a bottle of port, otherwise it'd still be crawling around in there. I can't eat goat cheese. No matter what they claim, it's congealed demon semen. Real cheese should be yellow and cheddary (I'll accept red). I confess to my secret desire for cheese food slices. O blessed Dairylea!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hatler on June 19, 2015, 11:35:26 am
I neglected to determine the cause of the rank smell emanating from the nether recesses of the boot of my Healey Sprite on a month long tour of Europe when I was a student. I couldn't eat goats cheese for about twenty years after that.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: lahoski on June 19, 2015, 03:08:43 pm
Real cheese should be yellow and cheddary...
Real cheese should be so ripe it tries to escape.

Goats cheese? It should literally taste like you are licking a goat, albeit a creamy, delicious goat.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on June 19, 2015, 03:32:01 pm
Goats cheese? It should literally taste like you are licking a goat, albeit a creamy, delicious goat.
:sick:

If anyone  ever wants rid of me, presenting goats cheese on celery would be a pretty rapid way of doing so.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on June 19, 2015, 05:30:08 pm
Real cheese should be yellow and cheddary...
Real cheese should be so ripe it tries to escape.

Goats cheese? It should literally taste like you are licking a goat, albeit a creamy, delicious goat.

That reminds me of cycling round Corsica. You could tell there was going to be a herd of goats in the middle of the road round the next blind corner because I would be salivating :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on June 19, 2015, 05:55:48 pm
Pavlov's goat?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on June 19, 2015, 06:31:17 pm
Pavlov's goat?

;D
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on June 19, 2015, 10:38:17 pm
Mmm.... cheese  :P

Remember the Brébis in Corsica, Mrs P?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on June 19, 2015, 10:39:01 pm
Anyway, we still want plates:

(https://c1.staticflickr.com/1/375/18345975683_f17f128fb3_z.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/tXaVpz)
IMG_5128 (https://flic.kr/p/tXaVpz) by The Pingus (https://www.flickr.com/photos/the_pingus/), on Flickr
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on June 20, 2015, 10:47:53 pm
Anyway, we still want plates:

(https://c1.staticflickr.com/1/375/18345975683_f17f128fb3_z.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/tXaVpz)
IMG_5128 (https://flic.kr/p/tXaVpz) by The Pingus (https://www.flickr.com/photos/the_pingus/), on Flickr

The food is hiding in the corners, are they scared of each other?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on June 21, 2015, 10:03:49 am
Anyway, we still want plates:

(https://c1.staticflickr.com/1/375/18345975683_f17f128fb3_z.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/tXaVpz)
IMG_5128 (https://flic.kr/p/tXaVpz) by The Pingus (https://www.flickr.com/photos/the_pingus/), on Flickr

Someone should have strangled Bocuse in 1950.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 21, 2015, 10:06:57 am
The thing bottom left, is that the paw print of a blood thirsty six-clawed bear?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on June 21, 2015, 12:41:49 pm
I thought it was a footprint of a resident of [insert 'joke' location here] County.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on June 21, 2015, 10:30:52 pm
Does crime brûlée go with roasted arm with a light wristwatch dressing?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 21, 2015, 10:51:47 pm
Does crime brûlée go with roasted arm with a light wristwatch dressing?
Crime brûlée is what GruB eats!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on June 22, 2015, 10:34:06 pm
(http://www.alfiecat.co.uk/yetacf/slate_plate.jpg)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on June 22, 2015, 10:58:42 pm
(http://www.alfiecat.co.uk/yetacf/slate_plate.jpg)

WTF is that?

Also, is that bread served up in a climbers chalk bag?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ham on June 22, 2015, 11:03:13 pm
(http://www.alfiecat.co.uk/yetacf/slate_plate.jpg)

WTF is that?

Also, is that bread served up in a climbers chalk bag?

It's the updated equivalent of the ploughman's lunch, now you don't have that many ploughmen. It's the roofer's lunch. Not quite so poetic, but it comes complete with rubber suckers underneath the comestibles to stop them sliding off pitches up to 40o. Oh yes, and other suckers prepared to pay the inflated prices....
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: cygnet on June 22, 2015, 11:06:41 pm
(http://www.alfiecat.co.uk/yetacf/slate_plate.jpg)

What kind of pudding did you get to eat with (only) a knife?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on June 22, 2015, 11:14:29 pm
I moved the knife for scale.  ;D
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on June 23, 2015, 12:03:30 am
All this slate as plates, what's going on is it the great Welsh China shortage?

I really do bloody hate the whole thing. Have been to Le Manoir and Le gavroche over the past year and both used plates to hold their food. It didn't need to be mounted on building materials.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on June 23, 2015, 01:08:50 am
On a similar theme. Seeded loaves what is the point in those ? The seeds never actually make it to your mouth. They will however distribute themselves all over the car on the way back from the supermarket and then all over the kitchen once you get home.

I know it's an old post but I have to reply to this.

The purpose of sesame seeds is to look pretty. The purpose of poppy seeds is to look pretty, then lodge between your teeth where they remain until the day you die. Or have the tooth extracted. Bonus marks for lodging into a prominent position just before a crucial meeting or job interview. Or if you're having dinner during a first date.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on June 23, 2015, 01:22:30 am
Yeahbut if FOH staff adopted computer science principles, then each table's cutlery allocation would consist of n fsporks.

Or, more likely, you'd get the knife and fork delivered with the soup you ordered for starters. The waiter would tell you it was a beta version and you should try to learn to live with it for now while they improve it. Then once the soup bowl was taken away the spoon would arrive with great fanfare, alongside your steak. The steak knife would show up slightly after you'd eaten your dessert, along with the bill. Then nobody would understand how the leading cause of injury among waiting staff was the insertion of steak knives into all sorts of places that weren't designed to take them.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on June 23, 2015, 11:29:18 am
Spent the week travelling round the highlands on Holiday. I was introduced to quality home made marmalade. I've come to the conclusion Robertsons Golden Shred is p!ss, and doesn't deserve to be called marmalade, and am now looking at either making my own, or sourcing a true marmalade in London.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 23, 2015, 12:04:11 pm
Surely some daring chef du jour, an agent provocateur de cuisine is willing to serve soup on a slate. A thick soup, spread liberally, would cling like wallpaper paste, and enable the discerning gastropub diner to scrape away with a slice of their artisanal sourdough. A combination of colours could be use to create a swirl of graffiti across your soup, perhaps a green artichoke and rustic ham, with a 'tag' dashed through it with a spicy red pepper tapenade.

In other matters, chefs with foam. Foam belongs in my bath, not on my fucking dinner plate. Fuck off. What next, a spritz of asparagus spittle?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: spesh on June 23, 2015, 12:22:19 pm
What next, a spritz of asparagus spittle?

Don't go giving them ideas. :demon:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on June 23, 2015, 12:26:28 pm
Spent the week travelling round the highlands on Holiday. I was introduced to quality home made marmalade. I've come to the conclusion Robertsons Golden Shred is p!ss, and doesn't deserve to be called marmalade, and am now looking at either making my own, or sourcing a true marmalade in London.

I discovered this at a very young age but with marmalade-making being seasonal there were insufficient supplies to last the entire year chiz.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on June 23, 2015, 01:23:05 pm
Surely some daring chef du jour, an agent provocateur de cuisine is willing to serve soup on a slate. A thick soup, spread liberally, would cling like wallpaper paste, and enable the discerning gastropub diner to scrape away with a slice of their artisanal sourdough. A combination of colours could be use to create a swirl of graffiti across your soup, perhaps a green artichoke and rustic ham, with a 'tag' dashed through it with a spicy red pepper tapenade.

In other matters, chefs with foam. Foam belongs in my bath, not on my fucking dinner plate. Fuck off. What next, a spritz of asparagus spittle?



You are so last year. In last week's Kitchen Cabinet some fucker suggested pouring cooked polenta  on the table (but only if the table top is wood; otherwise use a plastic table cloth), then pouring ragu in the middle of the pool. You and your chums then get stuck in. Such fun!



Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Oaky on June 23, 2015, 01:30:33 pm
Surely some daring chef du jour, an agent provocateur de cuisine is willing to serve soup on a slate. A thick soup, spread liberally, would cling like wallpaper paste, and enable the discerning gastropub diner to scrape away with a slice of their artisanal sourdough. A combination of colours could be use to create a swirl of graffiti across your soup, perhaps a green artichoke and rustic ham, with a 'tag' dashed through it with a spicy red pepper tapenade.


"Manny! Do you have a tower of soup for me? What's this? Where are the turrets? It's rubbish!"

(https://i2.wp.com/24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6z5ev3Ao91qdqjdio1_500.png)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on June 23, 2015, 03:56:42 pm

ian, I've read through this entire thread and have one thing to say.

You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: woollypigs on June 23, 2015, 04:16:20 pm
Why the flip didn't I know this recipe for pineapple salsa that I made today before. It is fecking NOM!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on June 23, 2015, 04:22:16 pm
Yeahbut if FOH staff adopted computer science principles, then each table's cutlery allocation would consist of n fsporks.

Or, more likely, you'd get the knife and fork delivered with the soup you ordered for starters. The waiter would tell you it was a beta version and you should try to learn to live with it for now while they improve it. Then once the soup bowl was taken away the spoon would arrive with great fanfare, alongside your steak. The steak knife would show up slightly after you'd eaten your dessert, along with the bill. Then nobody would understand how the leading cause of injury among waiting staff was the insertion of steak knives into all sorts of places that weren't designed to take them.

Nahh, that's software engineering principles. :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on June 23, 2015, 04:39:33 pm
Yeahbut if FOH staff adopted computer science principles, then each table's cutlery allocation would consist of n fsporks.

Or, more likely, you'd get the knife and fork delivered with the soup you ordered for starters. The waiter would tell you it was a beta version and you should try to learn to live with it for now while they improve it. Then once the soup bowl was taken away the spoon would arrive with great fanfare, alongside your steak. The steak knife would show up slightly after you'd eaten your dessert, along with the bill. Then nobody would understand how the leading cause of injury among waiting staff was the insertion of steak knives into all sorts of places that weren't designed to take them.

Nahh, that's software engineering principles. :)

Fair call.

I suppose it would have been more accurate to say that the cutlery allocation would be n sporks, where n was the lesser of (k-2)/2 or 1, where k was the number of diners. This would be based on the fact that not everybody has a simultanous need for a spork (how often do two people put something in their mouths at the exact same time?) and anticipating load sharing reduces the hardware overheads.

The entirely predictable protests that people don't want to share a spork with their dining companions would then be routed to a call centre in Bangalore where the staff wouldn't understand the problem but would repeat it back several times, almost word for word, with only a few fundamental misunderstandings.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tim Hall on June 23, 2015, 04:50:45 pm
On the way back from Bath with The Boy last weekend, we stopped for a bite in A Pubbe. He ordered a burger.

Too tall to eat?  Check
Wooden spear? Check
Chips in a pretend frier? Check
Served on a lump of wood? Check.

Like this:
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/79796424/2015-06-20%2014.42.59.jpg)

(Actually he managed, some how, to eat it without resorting to cutlery)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on June 23, 2015, 04:53:37 pm
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/79796424/2015-06-20%2014.42.59.jpg)

There's something very Alice In Wonderland going on with the scale of pretty much everything in that picture.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: woollypigs on June 23, 2015, 04:56:20 pm
Which reminds me, that little cup of ketchup they give. Can barely wet one chip (especially the big chunky ones) in there and you are out.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 23, 2015, 07:56:30 pm
Wooden spear? I reckon it's a flag pole and the burger is a fairy tale castle.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: SteveC on June 23, 2015, 08:05:54 pm
You are so last year. In last week's Kitchen Cabinet some fucker suggested pouring cooked polenta  on the table (but only if the table top is wood; otherwise use a plastic table cloth), then pouring ragu in the middle of the pool. You and your chums then get stuck in. Such fun!
An old friend of mine, in both senses, once reminisced about his time int the 8th Army in Italy (the D-Day Dodgers). He was billeted with an Italian family who were only to grateful to see him and to be rid of the Facists. He was served polenta on the kitchen table. It was just how they did  it. Pretentious in a modern restaurant to be sure, but it has a 'real' history.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 23, 2015, 08:46:11 pm
Men. Seriously. Why is that the only food that groups of men can eat in restaurants is steak? It's like a carnival of competitive carnivory. I'll have the steak, one will declare. I'll have a bigger steak, says the next. Make mine raw! says another. Bring me the cow and don't even cook it! Jesus, it's like they're serving a testosterone broth (undoubtedly unctuous), they're deadset on the putting the man back in the cave. Me eat meat. Chaps, the science is in: courgettes won't make you gay. Quinoa, possibly.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on June 23, 2015, 09:14:20 pm
Just for you, ian. Local Kosher (hence pricy) steakhouse menu.  :sick:
http://issuu.com/elgaucho/docs/la_fiesta_menu/9?e=0 (http://issuu.com/elgaucho/docs/la_fiesta_menu/9?e=0)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on June 23, 2015, 10:20:26 pm
Men. Seriously. Why is that the only food that groups of men can eat in restaurants is steak? It's like a carnival of competitive carnivory. I'll have the steak, one will declare. I'll have a bigger steak, says the next. Make mine raw! says another. Bring me the cow and don't even cook it! Jesus, it's like they're serving a testosterone broth (undoubtedly unctuous), they're deadset on the putting the man back in the cave. Me eat meat. Chaps, the science is in: courgettes won't make you gay. Quinoa, possibly.

The big difference is that steak tastes good and courgettes are best used as a medicine to induce vomiting.

I'm also going to call you out on the steak issue. Go to any Indian restaurant and you'll see the same testosterone soup with different ingredients, as one person orders the madrass and the next orders the vindaloo. If you don't like meat (I gather there are a few individuals who lack both a second X chromosome and a desire to eat dead animals) you can still strut your manly stuff and order a vegetable vindaloo.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 23, 2015, 10:31:19 pm
This relates to a gastropub (be still!) I was in on Saturday night. Every man on every table around us ordered the steak. To the point where they ran out of steak. Possibly the country was all out of cows. Perhaps the cows had had enough, that's it, they're drawing a line in the grass. It's war, humans. Remember, I came in with cow vs chicken. These cows are battle hardened, combat veterans. They've fought Nandos, Chicken Cottage, even Le Chateau de Poulet. The steak stops here. They're off the menu, you motherfucking cow chewers. Your cud is about to well and truly chewed.

The poor waitress had to meekly explain that there was no more steak. Ironically to a woman.

And the resulting estuarine whine is one for tomorrow. That and Yorkshire chorizo.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on June 23, 2015, 10:36:06 pm
Yorkshire chorizo.


What the heck?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on June 24, 2015, 12:23:24 am
Yeahbut, the thing with steak - assuming that you're inclined towards eating dead cows in the first place- is that it's fairly predictable.  Even the most wanky plate-eschewing gastropub types are unlikely to do anything more occuous than cook it badly.  I mean, have you ever ordered a steak'n'chips and had it arrive tasting like someone's spilt a pint on it?  Never mind the poultry, the fish are positively jealous.

Much the same can be argued for vegetable vindaloo, though it's a dish that seems to exist in order to cater for macho posing and lifelong smokers with one remaining tastbud.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on June 24, 2015, 05:31:27 am
Yeahbut, the thing with steak - assuming that you're inclined towards eating dead cows in the first place- is that it's fairly predictable.  Even the most wanky plate-eschewing gastropub types are unlikely to do anything more occuous than cook it badly.  I mean, have you ever ordered a steak'n'chips and had it arrive tasting like someone's spilt a pint on it?  Never mind the poultry, the fish are positively jealous.

Much the same can be argued for vegetable vindaloo, though it's a dish that seems to exist in order to cater for macho posing and lifelong smokers with one remaining tastbud.

Vegetable vindaloo seems like an odd mix. Kind of like serving a super-jumbo greaseburger with the oversized portion of fries, an extra-large side of onion rings, all doused in extra helpings of lard, and then pairing it with a bucket of diet Coke. Or the person who weighs more than their car stuffing their face with chips while sipping on a delicately sized bottle of mineral water as if that makes their lifestyle healthy.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on June 24, 2015, 08:30:43 am
Yorkshire chorizo.


What the heck?

Don't knock it, it is lovely, and as Chorizo doesn't have a DOP, it can be made anywhere.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tim Hall on June 24, 2015, 09:20:54 am
Men. Seriously. Why is that the only food that groups of men can eat in restaurants is steak? It's like a carnival of competitive carnivory. I'll have the steak, one will declare. I'll have a bigger steak, says the next. Make mine raw! says another. Bring me the cow and don't even cook it! Jesus, it's like they're serving a testosterone broth (undoubtedly unctuous), they're deadset on the putting the man back in the cave. Me eat meat. Chaps, the science is in: courgettes won't make you gay. Quinoa, possibly.

A bit like A fistful of Travellers' Cheques?

Quote
Cafe owner:      Hi guys. Can I make you a cocktail?
Miguel:              Whisky.
Carlos:              And steaks.
Cafe owner:      Okay. Two steaks, wow!

Cafe owner:      Two steaks coming right up.
Miguel:              Wait. Make that four.
Carlos:              Each.
Miguel:              Six.
Carlos:              Eight.
Miguel:              Ten!
Cafe owner:      Aw c'mon guys, ten steaks each? Are you joking?
Miguel:              Do we look like comedians?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on June 24, 2015, 09:42:38 am
Vegetable vindaloo seems like an odd mix. Kind of like serving a super-jumbo greaseburger with the oversized portion of fries, an extra-large side of onion rings, all doused in extra helpings of lard, and then pairing it with a bucket of diet Coke. Or the person who weighs more than their car stuffing their face with chips while sipping on a delicately sized bottle of mineral water as if that makes their lifestyle healthy.

Only if you follow the vegetarian != hard trope.  In reality, vegetable curry dishes are effectively hotter than their meat equivalents, as the vegetables absorb more of the sauce.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on June 24, 2015, 10:44:08 am
Re: men ordering steaks en masse.

My group of friends are lazy, and we split bills regardless of what you personally ordered. In the old days this was called the Stella accelerator. Back when we were drinking in the union bar, Stella was noticeably more expensive than the 4% lagers, so if one person ordered Stella in a round, we'd all move to Stella.

It's the same with a steak, if someone is ordering steak, and you're paying a fixed percentage of the bill, the correct strategy is move to steak, rather than eat something cheaper, otherwise you're subsidising someone's steak meal, while you eat salad.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 24, 2015, 12:45:52 pm
Yorkshire chorizo.


What the heck?

It wasn't the product, it was the ambitious pronunciation (quite successful with a spritely chor-IT-thoh), if you – as part of a bizarre science experiment – crossed people from Bradford with people from Madrid they'd sound just like that all the time, all vocal tea bags and olive oil.

Anyway, I'm not down with that tendency to pronounce foreign foods like the natives, though infinitely worse is the 'correctors', you know them, when you choreezo, they pull that English-teacher-you-hated face and say 'don't you mean 'chorithoh', and you stick a fork in their forehead and hammer it home using the chopping board that came under your tapas 'burger'. It's useful to verify whether or not they are Spanish before you do this.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: lahoski on June 24, 2015, 12:46:47 pm
Vegetable vindaloo seems like an odd mix. Kind of like serving a super-jumbo greaseburger with the oversized portion of fries, an extra-large side of onion rings, all doused in extra helpings of lard, and then pairing it with a bucket of diet Coke. Or the person who weighs more than their car stuffing their face with chips while sipping on a delicately sized bottle of mineral water as if that makes their lifestyle healthy.
Which is why one orders a family naan and one's weight in lager to accompany an unfathomably hot vegetable curry.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on June 24, 2015, 01:49:48 pm
Vegetable vindaloo seems like an odd mix. Kind of like serving a super-jumbo greaseburger with the oversized portion of fries, an extra-large side of onion rings, all doused in extra helpings of lard, and then pairing it with a bucket of diet Coke. Or the person who weighs more than their car stuffing their face with chips while sipping on a delicately sized bottle of mineral water as if that makes their lifestyle healthy.

Only if you follow the vegetarian != hard trope.  In reality, vegetable curry dishes are effectively hotter than their meat equivalents, as the vegetables absorb more of the sauce.

But that requires a hot = hard outlook. It seems like a great tragedy to take an obvious opportunity for MOAR MEAT and waste it by eating only vegetables. Hot peppers really should be reclassified as honorary meats.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on June 24, 2015, 06:13:42 pm
Vegetable vindaloo seems like an odd mix. Kind of like serving a super-jumbo greaseburger with the oversized portion of fries, an extra-large side of onion rings, all doused in extra helpings of lard, and then pairing it with a bucket of diet Coke. Or the person who weighs more than their car stuffing their face with chips while sipping on a delicately sized bottle of mineral water as if that makes their lifestyle healthy.

Only if you follow the vegetarian != hard trope.  In reality, vegetable curry dishes are effectively hotter than their meat equivalents, as the vegetables absorb more of the sauce.

I thought that veggie curry was hotter than meat curry due to there being less fat in veggie curry to absorb the heat (same idea as why you put full fat yoghurt or cream in a curry that you've made too hot, or drink a pint of milk)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on June 24, 2015, 06:41:17 pm
I still don't measure my manhood in Scoville units.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 24, 2015, 06:43:39 pm
What people in India do when small children inadvertently or inadvisedly eat eg raw chillies, is give them something sweet. Works even better than lassi etc (though of course that is also sweet!)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CrinklyLion on June 24, 2015, 07:14:44 pm
RRRRRRAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Why isn't our filthy pizza here yet?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CrinklyLion on June 24, 2015, 07:25:49 pm
Ahhh.... that's better.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on June 24, 2015, 07:31:06 pm
RRRRRRAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What, again?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 24, 2015, 10:21:47 pm
And yeah, the Estuarine Whine. Other diners. They really should behave better, I'm in grabbing distance of sharp, pointy things. We're in the church of the anti-cow, an echoing litany of orders for the steak, when the waitress finally admits defeat. There is no more steak.

Now the Estuarine Whine can't not have heard this, but she's biding her time, so of course, when the waitress arrives she orders the steak-that's-no-more.

'But I can't eat anything else on the menu,' she says in a voice that sounds like someone trying to saw through old tin cans. I'll be honest, she didn't look like a woman who'd had trouble finding things to eat. I reckon she'd go for anything she didn't have to chase. She'd probably eat the menu if it wasn't written on a blackboard. 'I CAN'T' grinds the human jigsaw of despair. Now, the waitress was charming and effective and far better at the entire waitering business than I ever was, and I don't think I'll be doing her a disservice by saying that conjuring up a cow was probably outside of her skill set. Even Jesus topped out with fish and the ever-sawing Estuarine Whine insists on telling us that she 'doesn't eat fish' either. Jesus, who I think we'll agree pretty much had a monopoly on patience before he started to hand it out to saints, would have roundhoused her.

Now the sensible thing for the waitress to do at this point would have been to use the woman's head as a bongo but she tries to reasonable and explain that it's 9pm on a Saturday night and there's no more steak and little likelihood of obtaining any because there's no such thing as the Meat Santa and even if there was, he probably doesn't come at 9pm on a Saturday night in June. The woman keeps grinding away because she's one of those sullen bullies who knows that the poor girl has no choice but to listen as she starts to work her way through what sounds like an entire rusted scrapyard of complaint.

This is the point where I start to play the game of What Would Jess Do? Jess, if you don't know her, is south London's only vampire librarian, the occasional inadvertent saviour of Croydon and, more incidentally, the world. She's a proper vampire and only eats people. She's got dining standards though. I decided she'd pull off the woman's head and use it in an impromptu puppet theatre. Jess, sadly wasn't there because she's doing whatever vampire librarians do on Saturday nights, but my wife was and she's from Southend, and as such even Jess doesn't argue with her.

Anyway, I don't even think King Arthur is going to pull that fork out of the woman's forehead. It's in deep.

White Range Rover driver, natch. It's the one with a dent in the driver's side door.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on June 25, 2015, 04:32:10 pm
I like steak.  And so does the BEAR.

There, I've said it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mcshroom on June 25, 2015, 06:41:35 pm
RRRRRRAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What, again?

Well she is a Lion :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on June 30, 2015, 08:31:46 pm
Papaya. It sounds exciting. It's not.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on July 01, 2015, 01:41:02 pm
No.1 Son, when asked "Are you going to have the leftover pizza for lunch, the correct answer is NOT "Yes". >:(
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 01, 2015, 03:44:43 pm
Papaya. It sounds exciting. It's not.
How about pawpaw?
 :D

It's good in a sort of overly ripe way. It's the dirty pizza of tropical fruits.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 01, 2015, 05:54:36 pm
I've rarely been whelmed by a tropical fruit, other than a mango. I used to think that they only temperamentally ripened in our grim climate but after years travelling the world, I'm less convinced. Though possibly they're keeping the good stuff back for Mr Del Monte.

A couple of weeks ago, whilst I was travelling in Africa, I got caught up in conversation whilst waiting at the buffet table. When I looked back at my plate they'd loaded it with two enormous oblongs of nshima, piled on some spaghetti, a hefty dollop of bolognese sauce, and then balanced on top two chicken drumsticks. Now that's a meal. According to the bloke serving, I looked skinny.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on July 02, 2015, 09:53:09 am
Papaya. It sounds exciting. It's not.

Most tropical fruits are unexciting (I accuse you most of all starfruit) but papaya is the only one that I can think of that I actively dislike. Its vomit worthy.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 02, 2015, 10:05:08 am
Guavas are delicious though. With or without the chilli and salt or whatever it is.
I've rarely been whelmed by a tropical fruit, other than a mango. I used to think that they only temperamentally ripened in our grim climate but after years travelling the world, I'm less convinced. Though possibly they're keeping the good stuff back for Mr Del Monte.
Temperamentally ripe? Not sure what this means. They're generally unripe here I'd say.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Legs on July 02, 2015, 11:28:30 am
...they'd loaded it with two enormous oblongs of nshima, ...

Is nshima like ugali?  If so, unlucky you!  Like polenta but without so much as the appealing colour.

I've rarely been whelmed by a tropical fruit, other than a mango.

Never eaten mangosteen?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 02, 2015, 12:06:17 pm
...they'd loaded it with two enormous oblongs of nshima, ...

Is nshima like ugali?  If so, unlucky you!  Like polenta but without so much as the appealing colour.

I've rarely been whelmed by a tropical fruit, other than a mango.

Never eaten mangosteen?

Yup, same stuff as you find throughout Africa, pap whatever. White polenta. Very bland. I tried to spice it up with an indelicate helping of sauce. If you'd ever had nali sauce, you'll know why this wasn't such a good idea. The best one was in Ghana once where the chef made a fish shape out of it and then stuck a fried fish head on the end. Et voilà, le poisson. Never figured out what happened to the rest of the fish. I'm not generally a fan of fish heads.

You know, I don't think I have eaten a mangosteen. But I'm really having a strong impression of a mango bursting out with Born in the USA.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Legs on July 02, 2015, 12:22:40 pm
Mangosteen is totally where it's at.  That is all.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 02, 2015, 12:39:31 pm
Wood apple. More wood than apple, I'd say.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on July 02, 2015, 01:08:19 pm
Took a fish head out to see a movie, didn't have to pay to get it in.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 02, 2015, 04:33:18 pm
Eat them up, yum!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on July 02, 2015, 07:00:28 pm
They're not good dancers. They don't play drums.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on July 02, 2015, 10:57:58 pm
Rolypoly fish heads  :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on July 02, 2015, 10:59:19 pm
Anyway, the tropical fruit we had in Ecuador was quite nom  :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Wowbagger on July 02, 2015, 11:55:27 pm
Bugger. Beat me by a penny.
1/10d

I must have either started life on very cheap beer or broke the licensing laws a lot more than you other buggers. I am sure basic bitter was 1s 2d whereas Double Diamond was rather more expensive.

When I started college we could get a pint of Boddington's for 9p in the catholic club.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on July 03, 2015, 12:42:42 am
On God. Here we go.  In 1973? (so not early in my pub history, as I would have been in my early 20s) my mate and I borrowed ten bob off the girl in the flat upstairs.
With that, we caught the bus into town, went to the Greyhound, a cider pub on Holloway Head, got slaughtered on rough cider and caught the night bus back.

Cider, before Britain joined the EEC, was taxed differently to beer.
Getting slaughtered on it was probably easier in those days when I had less alcohol tolerance.
The Greyhound being a cider pub, sold only cider.  It was rough.  It was very rough.  If you were lucky, it only had twigs floating in it.  It was however, nowhere nearly as rough as its clientele.  Only the innocence and naivety of youth saved us from being killed.

I still owe her that ten bob.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on July 03, 2015, 08:54:26 am
On God. Here we go.  In 1973? (so not early in my pub history, as I would have been in my early 20s) my mate and I borrowed ten bob off the girl in the flat upstairs.
With that, we caught the bus into town, went to the Greyhound, a cider pub on Holloway Head, got slaughtered on rough cider and caught the night bus back.

Basil, You are on of Monty Python's Yorkshire businessmen AICMFP.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 03, 2015, 09:46:10 am
Mangosteen is totally where it's at.  That is all.

I want one. To be honest, just saying 'mangosteen' is making me happy.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on July 03, 2015, 12:35:40 pm
Chewing gum manufacturers: I don't want tiny little tabs not worth chewing, I want proper old-fashioned sticks please.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on July 03, 2015, 01:47:58 pm
Went to Spaghetti House last night post-opera.
Had a salmon salad, partner had a pasta. We had drinks and a basket of bread.
The table was not really big enough for this.
I like my food on plates but the salad plate's diameter was over half the table's diameter.
I much prefer to dine on rectangular/square tables.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on July 04, 2015, 12:02:48 am
Anyway, the tropical fruit we had in Ecuador was quite nom  :P

Guanabana being the only one I remember the name of.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 06, 2015, 09:20:28 pm
Anyway, the tropical fruit we had in Ecuador was quite nom  :P

Guanabana being the only one I remember the name of.

I only go to places where the food is either taxonomically non-descript, comprises a small mountain range of stodge, or Bill's Big Ho-Ho Meal of Western Devil Food Torture.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on July 06, 2015, 11:32:37 pm
Typical botanist  ::-)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 07, 2015, 09:55:29 am
(Anticipates a certain floppy-haired physicist having a go at botanists in the next series of TIMC)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on July 07, 2015, 01:00:35 pm
TimC has a series?  :o
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 07, 2015, 01:07:16 pm
Has he ever been seen in the same room as Professor Brian Cox?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on July 07, 2015, 01:31:17 pm
When I started college we could get a pint of Boddington's for 9p in the catholic club.

When I started drinking in the Catholic club the priest bought the Guinness as we were all too young to buy alcohol. Junior Knights of St Columba, it was worth the religious lecture for the Guinness and snooker afterwords, plus it made my Mum happy.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 07, 2015, 04:52:03 pm

Thanks to Arby's just off I-81 in Virginia for serving me the most disgusting looking BLT I've seen in my life. It would be better described as a MBMLMTTMMM, i.e. mayonnaise, bacon, mayonnaise, lettuce, mayonnaise, tomato, tomato, mayonnaise, mayonnaise and mayonnaise. Seriously, think of the Monty Python spam sketch and swap spam for mayonnaise and you've got the idea. I hate mayonnaise, and hate tomato even more. Not only that the whole thing was stone cold.

What made the matter even worse was that I'd ordered the roast beef sandwich, and only discovered the surprise ingredients far enough up the interstate that I really couldn't be bothered to turn around and go back. It's like the burger chain who had the motto "you got it", which was particularly annoying when you got 10 miles up the road to find you hadn't got it at all.

Apparently one of Arby's "guest liaison operatives" will be in touch shortly to "make it right".
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 07, 2015, 05:57:36 pm
Americans get awfully confused when you order actual bacon, given that bacon is the Universal American Seasoning and as such they were probably going to add it anyway. That's bacon with bacon. There's a danger of an exponential bacon* situation. It's not a sandwich, but potentially a swirling vortex of porcine destruction. I didn't, to be honest, think that an American food place could put too little bacon on something. Not even Arby's We Have The Meats™ (seriously, they trademarked that).

Americans also think the antidote to bacon is mayonnaise. Or rather, processed egg food product, because it's just goo that oozes everywhere and causes your sandwich to slide apart so you end up with a Fistful of Meat. To confuse my Clint references, do you feel lucky? Well, evidently if you're going to Arby's.

Note that the world can go backwards on I-81, there's a section where you can both be going north on 81 and south on I-77 at the same time. Possible that can turn beef into bacon. Which is like the reverse of Creeping Sharia.

*Not that it's real bacon (up-thead passim).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on July 07, 2015, 10:08:59 pm
  MBMLMTTMMM, i.e. mayonnaise, bacon, mayonnaise, lettuce, mayonnaise, tomato, tomato, mayonnaise, mayonnaise and mayonnaise. Seriously, think of the Monty Python spam sketch and swap spam for mayonnaise and you've got the idea. I hate mayonnaise, and hate tomato even more. Not only that the whole thing was stone cold.
*drool*
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 07, 2015, 10:59:29 pm
Americans get awfully confused when you order actual bacon, given that bacon is the Universal American Seasoning and as such they were probably going to add it anyway. That's bacon with bacon. There's a danger of an exponential bacon* situation. It's not a sandwich, but potentially a swirling vortex of porcine destruction. I didn't, to be honest, think that an American food place could put too little bacon on something. Not even Arby's We Have The Meats™ (seriously, they trademarked that).

This particular Arby's got confused on the basis I didn't order bacon but they provided me with some anyway. It looked like it probably came from a Real Pig at some point. It had obviously been a while since it had been warmer than room temperature.

Quote
Americans also think the antidote to bacon is mayonnaise. Or rather, processed egg food product, because it's just goo that oozes everywhere and causes your sandwich to slide apart so you end up with a Fistful of Meat. To confuse my Clint references, do you feel lucky? Well, evidently if you're going to Arby's.

The mayonnaise did rather remind me of the cheese sauce that appears in some products. The one (and so far only, by design) time I tasted it I had to conclude it had never had anything to do with a cow. Unless perhaps some beef fat had been ground up into the mix somewhere to make it creamier greasier.

I must admit I rather like Arby's roast beef sandwiches, as long as they don't come with the cheese-like sauce (disclaimer: may not contain any actual cheese). I tried it once, and eating it while driving was an experience I don't care to repeat. Not only did the cheese-like-sauce taste decidedly unpleasant, its hugely lubricant properties meant it might have been easier to accept the inevitable and dump the whole thing in my lap. On reflection I could probably have used it to grease my wheel bearings, or maybe dropped it on the interstate to get the asshat who thought 3 feet was a suitable following distance at 70mph to rethink. When you just get a bread roll and enough roast beef that you need to disengage your jaws like a snake to eat it at all it's strangely pleasing, even if a little tricky to deal with one-handed on the interstate. Thankfully many miles of interstate contains very little Actual Traffic so for most of it you could weave freely across all three lanes and be very unlikely to hit anything. If you drift too far you hit the rumble strips that make a sound not unlike what I'd expect my stomach would have made had I attempted to eat the abominable Not Roast Beef Sandwiches.

Quote
Note that the world can go backwards on I-81, there's a section where you can both be going north on 81 and south on I-77 at the same time. Possible that can turn beef into bacon. Which is like the reverse of Creeping Sharia.

With the way one road can have multiple numbers I can see how that isn't as stupid as it might first appear (I looked, and joined I-81 at one end of the section you describe. Whether it was the north end or the south end is unclear...). It might be interesting to drive it the other way and see if bacon and endless mayonnaise-like-goo turned back into beef. Maybe I shouldn't have thrown them in the trash. It's going to be a few months before I'm driving that route again, but from the sight of the Not Roast Beef Sandwiches I wonder whether any of the ingredients would have gone bad by then.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 07, 2015, 11:11:20 pm
  MBMLMTTMMM, i.e. mayonnaise, bacon, mayonnaise, lettuce, mayonnaise, tomato, tomato, mayonnaise, mayonnaise and mayonnaise. Seriously, think of the Monty Python spam sketch and swap spam for mayonnaise and you've got the idea. I hate mayonnaise, and hate tomato even more. Not only that the whole thing was stone cold.
*drool*

If you're quick they may still be in the trash can at Arby's, at an exit around mile marker 313 on I-81.

I would say they'll be cold by now but they weren't exactly piping hot yesterday. If they've been left outside in the Virginia heat they'll have warmed up a little.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 08, 2015, 02:58:31 am

Well, the rather grandiose-sounding Guest Support Assistant from Arby's didn't get back in touch yet.

I hope this isn't the end of Arby's being the preferred pit stop on a long drive, the other options are all lacking in their own ways. When we drove the other way we stopped at a Hardees (needing fuel and there not being an Arby's nearby) and the exchange with the assistant trying to find something on the menu that wasn't smothered in sauces was interesting. I say "interesting" as an alternative to "so annoying I wanted to strangle her".

I asked what they had available that wasn't smothered in sauces, and she explained that their burgers came with ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise. So I asked if they had anything that didn't come with ketchup, mustard or mayonnaise. She suggested the small cheeseburger. I asked what it came with, and she explained that it came with ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise. So I repeated my question more slowly, stressing that I didn't want any of those things on my food.

After a few rounds she said that they could do a small cheeseburger without the sauces, so I opted for that. They could probably have done anything without the sauces, but by then I was losing the will to live and struggling with the desire to feed the assistant into the meat grinder, so I settled for the small cheeseburger. When she said "small" she wasn't kidding. I didn't think they did small portions this side of the Atlantic but that cheeseburger was small.

On the plus side, it was a cheeseburger just how I requested it. On the other hand, for crying out loud, how many times do I have to tell some dimwit that when I don't want ketchup or mustard or mayonnaise it's not helpful to keep pointing me at things that come with all of those? At least she got the order right, and my mayonnaise-free burger didn't come with enough congealed white goo to sink a battleship.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 08, 2015, 08:34:00 am
I do sort of like American sandwiches. That entire dislocate your jaw like you're a human anaconda to try and fit it in, and then you give up, and start to anatomize it, pulling out its innards and building an entire different meal. Americans just look at you. You can't fit that in your mouth? There's a joke in there, one you shouldn't make if you're sitting opposite your girlfriend's parents for the first time. Apparently.

You have reminded me that getting them to hold the mayonnaise is near impossible. The have someone in the back with the gloop cannon. Because they don't put butter on sandwiches, they feel an obligation to hose it down with processed egg food product and then complement it with slices of processed cheese food product. The result congeals into some novel kind of matter. I like the cheese food, but not the processed egg food. The worse thing about the faux-mayo is that it's sweet and I swear it gets sweeter the further south you go. Eventually, somewhere on the Georgia border they find they can't make mayo any sweeter, so they just start slapping bbq sauce on everything. That's just melted sugar and some chemical byproduct of the linoleum manufacturing process. By the time you get to Alabama they've started to fry the entire concoction and sprinkle it with sugar before they serve. They'll probably opt to roll it in maple syrup-style product to ensure the sugar sticks.

It's one of those American weirdnesses that you can order a salad and ask for it without lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and with the dressing on the side, and it'll come just like that. Ask for a sandwich without congealed sludge and they're calling Homeland Security.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on July 08, 2015, 06:08:12 pm
I am salivating at these descriptions of sandwiches. The idea of endless bacon bits in a sea of cheesy mayo with some sort of basic food elements hidden in there really gets my juices flowing. I suspect I may be a closet american.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: spesh on July 09, 2015, 01:03:10 am
I'm beginning to suspect that among the early colonists to Leftpondia were the Dean and Arch-Chancellor of the Unseen University. It's the only way to explain the preponderance of people wide enough for two chairs and the surfeit of condiments applied to mountains of dead animals stuck between two pieces of bread. ;)

Now, when is Man vs Food back on Freeview? ;D
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 09, 2015, 04:08:59 am
I do sort of like American sandwiches. That entire dislocate your jaw like you're a human anaconda to try and fit it in, and then you give up, and start to anatomize it, pulling out its innards and building an entire different meal. Americans just look at you. You can't fit that in your mouth? There's a joke in there, one you shouldn't make if you're sitting opposite your girlfriend's parents for the first time. Apparently.

It is rather curious to be presented with a sandwich you can only just fit in your mouth, do battle with it, valiantly defeat it, only to realise your revelling in the Man Vs Meat Sandwich Defeat doesn't count for anything because you only ate the medium and there's a size bigger. Sometimes there are two sizes bigger. Seriously, you'd need two normal sized people just to eat a single sandwich in some of these places.

I remember a bagel shop in Manhatten I visited with three other people. We ordered our bagels, I saw the guy with the meat slicer doing his funky stuff with what looked like most of a pig, and he cut up a stack of ham. I figured that made sense, since there were four of us and we'd all ordered bagels with ham in them. Then he put the entire stack of ham in one bagel and started slicing some more. The bagel was then passed to someone else who repeated the process with cheese (proper sliced cheese, not the semi-liquid gloop that may have been within 50 feet of a cow but only by accident).

I suppose if you want to maintain an existence in which you weigh more than your SUV you need to take some serious calories on board and regularly, but aside from the Small Cheeseburger at Hardees it is remarkable just how many options exist out there that don't include a starter that those on the eastern side of the ocean wouldn't regard as a main course fit for two.

Quote
You have reminded me that getting them to hold the mayonnaise is near impossible. The have someone in the back with the gloop cannon. Because they don't put butter on sandwiches, they feel an obligation to hose it down with processed egg food product and then complement it with slices of processed cheese food product. The result congeals into some novel kind of matter. I like the cheese food, but not the processed egg food. The worse thing about the faux-mayo is that it's sweet and I swear it gets sweeter the further south you go. Eventually, somewhere on the Georgia border they find they can't make mayo any sweeter, so they just start slapping bbq sauce on everything. That's just melted sugar and some chemical byproduct of the linoleum manufacturing process. By the time you get to Alabama they've started to fry the entire concoction and sprinkle it with sugar before they serve. They'll probably opt to roll it in maple syrup-style product to ensure the sugar sticks.

Generally I've never had problems getting people to hold stuff, even if they do think I'm weird for it. The not-very-assistive-assistant at Hardees managed to cope with my order for a cheeseburger without ketchup or mustard or mayonnaise, although she looked as if she couldn't comprehend why anyone would want a burger you could actually taste because it wasn't covered with goop.

Most things get sweeter the further south you go. Iced tea is no exception. I order unsweetened tea here in Pennsylvania (most of the way north towards Canada) and aside from a few waitresses who ask if I want sweeteners with it (hint: if I wanted it sweet I'd have ordered the sweet tea), whereas once you get as far south as, say, the Carolinas it's debatable whether unsweetened tea is something you can mention in polite company at all. I wouldn't be surprised if the folks in Alabama shoot anyone who wants unsweet tea.

Quote
It's one of those American weirdnesses that you can order a salad and ask for it without lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and with the dressing on the side, and it'll come just like that. Ask for a sandwich without congealed sludge and they're calling Homeland Security.

Ah yes, the dressing on the side option. Highly advisable if you ordered the ranch dressing and don't want your green salad to contain 5,000 calories. I swear this is the only country where eating a salad can give you enough calories to see you through a hilly 300. It's still not as bad as the caramel dip you can buy in little tubs. The ingredients are essentially sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, and you really don't want to read any further. It's hugely sweet, among the sweetest things I've ever tasted, and it makes ranch dressing look like a low calorie option.


ETA: On another note, the Guest Support Assistant from Arby's called today. It turned out to be the general manager of the branch that so royally screwed up my order, desperately apologetic that his staff had got my order wrong and ruined my afternoon (his words, mine were much less dramatic and much more sarcastic). He's going to send me some Arby's vouchers and said if I'm passing through again ask for him and he'll fix me up with two free combo meals. So complaining, although somewhat therapeutic, wasn't a wasted effort. The nearest Arby's is about 15 miles from here, but conveniently just opposite where one of my wholesale customers is based.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Poly Hive on July 09, 2015, 07:00:03 am
My bigest dissapointment in New York was Cheesecake.

Now I was "brought up" on books which described the cheesecakes of NY as the ultimate experience in that field.

I can assure you not so at all. They were tiny. I ask you tiny flat cheese cake in NY and it tasted rubbish. *sighs* What a let down.

OTOH it is true that if in doubt look for the cop eating, a sure sign of quality and so it proved. We took the subway to Brooklyn and got off at the terminus, which we did for every borough BTW, and there were very few places to eat but in a tiny little place there was the proverbial bobby stuffing his face.. and the pizza there was just awesome one of the greatest eating experiences or our lives. Seriously!

PH
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 09, 2015, 10:05:25 am
Ah, the 5 megacalorie salad. T'is a thing of awesome beauty. I like ordering the salad. First, the waiter has to run through all the types of dressing balsamicfrenchranchrussianitalianbluecheesegreektasmanianpolkamanchegopapaprikafunkdieselbonanzaumbongogarlicshallot and then I make them repeat it because I'm slow and I think it's good maxillofaciallary exercise for them. Best to have it on the side though, unless you want the spectacle of your lettuce's death struggles as the ranch dressing pulls it down into the bacon-filled depths.

I also like the filling quotient of American sandwiches. They slice up an entire animal. In the UK, we've manage a single slice one molecule thick. An average British ham sandwich would, to any American, be vegetarian. Our fillings are practically homeopathic.

I was once terrorised outside Richmond by a huge waitress who insisted I had to have sweet tea. She wouldn't let me have it unsweetened. Seriously. She stood over me and watched me drink it while my girlfriend sniggered. Till she fell under the gaze. You too, sweetcheeks. (I think she might have actually said 'sweetcheeks'.) Every time we took a sip she'd get us a new refill. We had to visit every rest stop on I-73, not just to relieve ourselves but to run around in mad circles trying to expend the sugar rush. If you've seen the episode of the Simpsons where Bart and Milhouse hit the neat slushie syrup, you'll know the sensation.

A proper NY baked cheesecake is hard to find, but worth it. There's a place in Boerum Hill that serves baked slices of heaven and they put a dollop of proper ice cream on top just in case you're running a calorie deficit. The cop thing is a good tip, they're good at detecting handsome calories. A friend of mine is in the LAPD and he took us for ride in his police cruiser and anyway, we pull up in South Central by a group of heavily tattooed Hispanic gang stereotypes who all start giving us the eye. We then have to push through this crowd being very British, wielding Mac-10s of sorry, to find a grubby looking van serving what the people of Hackney call 'street food'. I got a burrito about the same size as a body wrapped in a carpet. And bless my gut, if it wasn't the most awesomely filthy burrito ever. I was in spicy, meaty, cheesy heaven.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: noisycrank on July 09, 2015, 11:31:52 am
Naively (with the exception of the worrying substance found inside the oil filler of my aging Renault) I had assumed that all mayonnaise had at least some nodding acquaintance with olive oil. I was therefore amused that Hellmanns had started to advertise Mayo with olive oil. The full story is of course much worse.

http://www.snack-girl.com/snack/hellmanns-olive-oil-mayonnaise/ (http://www.snack-girl.com/snack/hellmanns-olive-oil-mayonnaise/)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on July 09, 2015, 12:43:44 pm
I have never regarded Hellmanns as mayonnaise it a sort of imitation mayonnaise alike. Its good as a thing in itself but doesn't really taste like mayonnaise. I wouldn't want real mayonnaise on a burger or blt  I want Hellmanns or similar but for potatoe salad or a coleslaw real mayonnaise rules. Horses for courses.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on July 09, 2015, 12:46:42 pm
I have preferred the taste of Hellmans to my Mum's home-made mayonnaise since I was a Very Little Girl.
You may kill me now.

Making mayonnaise is one of the first things Mum taught me.
Our family has lived on mayo for longer than I can remember (but I didn't know what chips were till I was eight).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on July 09, 2015, 01:01:53 pm
In France they sell mayonnaise in jars in supermarkets that tastes almost like real mayonnaise. Not sure why they cant mange it in the UK.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 09, 2015, 01:39:30 pm
I thought the whole point of mayonnaise was olive oil, it what gives it the peppery edge. Making it will other oil seems pointless, but then the point of industrial mayonnaise seems to provide a substrate that holds the rest of the sandwich together, rather than edibility. I don't mind the real stuff, but other mayonnaises can fuck off, it's just oily goo, like they harvested the various exudates of greasy teenagers.

Salad cream though, that's where it at. You want haute cuisine, the kind that kicks a garcon in the balls, then two slices of thin sliced bread, a pack a ready salted crisps, and a bottle of salad cream is all you need.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on July 09, 2015, 02:24:03 pm
Egg mayonnaise sandwiches need a good squirt of salad cream mixed in to give them a lift.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on July 09, 2015, 02:24:35 pm
Mayonnaise is for frites  :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on July 09, 2015, 03:24:16 pm
The point of industrial mayonnaise is to help use up all that oily industrial waste.

Salad cream is absolutely foul  :sick:

Cop spotting as a destination decider is a reasonable tactic but, for dogs sake, don't rely on it over here. Many a young copper nowdays thinks MaccyDees is top nosh  :sick:

Back in my day, copper spotting was how you identified the ultimate filthy kebab van :thumbsup:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on July 09, 2015, 03:35:24 pm
Salad cream though, that's where it at. You want haute cuisine, the kind that kicks a garcon in the balls, then two slices of thin sliced bread, a pack a ready salted crisps, and a bottle of salad cream is all you need.
Add some lurid cheese and I'm right there with you.

Mayonnaise is demon semen, and not in a good way. Heinz Salad Cream (and it's vomity cousin, Sandwich Spread) is 99 kinds of delicious.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 09, 2015, 03:39:56 pm
Sandwich Spread is not merely vomit, it is bile. You can tell by the acidity.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on July 09, 2015, 04:30:42 pm
Eggy bread (or gypsy bread or whatever you call it) dipped in salad cream - yum yum.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 09, 2015, 04:40:38 pm
My bigest dissapointment in New York was Cheesecake.

Now I was "brought up" on books which described the cheesecakes of NY as the ultimate experience in that field.

I can assure you not so at all. They were tiny. I ask you tiny flat cheese cake in NY and it tasted rubbish. *sighs* What a let down.

OTOH it is true that if in doubt look for the cop eating, a sure sign of quality and so it proved. We took the subway to Brooklyn and got off at the terminus, which we did for every borough BTW, and there were very few places to eat but in a tiny little place there was the proverbial bobby stuffing his face.. and the pizza there was just awesome one of the greatest eating experiences or our lives. Seriously!

PH

I think of New York Cheesecake as the kind of thing everybody raves about and that tastes great, as long as you haven't tasted cheesecake. Kind of like McDonalds tastes great if you've never eaten, well, anything other than McDonalds. It has a style of its own, just like the nondescript white goo smothered over burgers has a style of its own. Having had "New York cheesecake" everywhere from tiny little hick towns in the back end of nowhere, to New York City itself, my conclusion is that it's overrated.

I have had some pretty good food in NYC, but the cheesecake wasn't it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on July 09, 2015, 05:14:10 pm
Sandwich Spread is not merely vomit, it is bile. You can tell by the acidity.

<pedant>

Bile is alkaline
Sandwich spread is acidic
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 09, 2015, 05:18:25 pm
I stand corrected. Sandwich spread is gastric juice. With carrots. So it really is vomit, after all.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 10, 2015, 09:37:45 am
Years ago, travelling around Europe with an American friend, sitting in a pub by Paddington station he orders the jacket potato. Asks for sour cream. The person behind the bar looks puzzled but nods. Potato comes back with white gloop on top.

The look on his face as took the first mouthful – 'ugh mayonn...' he spits 'but it's off...'

It was salad cream, of course. He lacks the sophisticated palette of us Europeans. My German friend always regards any bottle of mayo sitting on the table with deep suspicion. 'Egg products should be properly refrigerated' she'll solemnly declare while pushing it carefully to one side with an outstretched finger like it might turn really bad at any moment.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on July 10, 2015, 11:43:38 am
I am salivating at these descriptions of sandwiches. The idea of endless bacon bits in a sea of cheesy mayo with some sort of basic food elements hidden in there really gets my juices flowing. I suspect I may be a closet american.
+ many
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 10, 2015, 11:51:26 am
Well, it ain't a salad unless it looks like someone has dropped the Exxon Valdez from orbit onto a small forest.

Of bacon.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on July 10, 2015, 12:08:54 pm
Well, it ain't a salad unless it looks like someone has dropped the Exxon Valdez from orbit onto a small forest.

Of bacon.
(http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsons/images/b/b4/Homer_drool.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/640?cb=20100923210150)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on July 10, 2015, 01:35:16 pm
My German friend always regards any bottle of mayo sitting on the table with deep suspicion. 'Egg products should be properly refrigerated' she'll solemnly declare while pushing it carefully to one side with an outstretched finger like it might turn really bad at any moment.

+1
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on July 10, 2015, 01:56:38 pm
My German friend always regards any bottle of mayo sitting on the table with deep suspicion. 'Egg products should be properly refrigerated' she'll solemnly declare while pushing it carefully to one side with an outstretched finger like it might turn really bad at any moment.

+1

Agreed, but Hellamans et al contain a bare minimum of egg product, the majority of the volume being water.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on July 10, 2015, 02:52:11 pm
My German friend always regards any bottle of mayo sitting on the table with deep suspicion. 'Egg products should be properly refrigerated' she'll solemnly declare while pushing it carefully to one side with an outstretched finger like it might turn really bad at any moment.

+1

Agreed, but Hellamans et al contain a bare minimum of egg product, the majority of the volume being water.

Hellman's Real (as opposed to Light or Stupid Light) Mayonnaise has more Calories per gram than butter.
There's very little water in it; it's mostly cheap vegetable oil.
What else could you expect from Unilever?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 10, 2015, 03:44:11 pm
Detergent?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on July 10, 2015, 04:17:30 pm
Could you all stop your condemnation of the Hellman's please? Any Fule No that only butter is better, and people look at you funny if you put butter chunks on your bacon & salad.

Nectar of the Gods.

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on July 10, 2015, 05:19:43 pm
Not guilty Miss!
I always posted that I liked Hellman's.

I might be sad enough to know its Calorie count.

I appreciate not everyone likes it.

That is true of any comestible.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 10, 2015, 05:52:33 pm
Well, it ain't a salad unless it looks like someone has dropped the Exxon Valdez from orbit onto a small forest.

Of bacon.

To follow fboab, only in America can you get a salad that Homer Simpson would order.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on July 10, 2015, 06:02:41 pm
(click to show/hide)

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Oaky on July 10, 2015, 06:03:51 pm
Steak salad, at least in Pittsburgh, comes with chips (well, french fries...).

ETA: mind you one of the bars there serves a burger-based comestible called the Steelworker.  Two burger patties with macaroni cheese sandwiched between them, wrapped in bacon, battered and deep-fried.  I never did try one of those - I'm not sure the medical cover on our travel insurance was up to it anyway.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on July 10, 2015, 08:45:06 pm
I bought proper dirty burger & chips from the local kebab shop type place for my tea tonight - yum.

And better still I was able to stop them putting their own weird sauces on it and use my own (refrigerated) mayo and unrefrigerated ketchup. *YUM*
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on July 10, 2015, 08:55:26 pm
Stayed at a hotel in Cheltenham once. Had to send the egg mayonnaise back. "That's not egg mayonnaise", I said, "that's egg salad cream".

I had something else instead.

In The US and A once I put on half a stone in a week. So decided to have a salad. The plate was about 15" wide and the whole massive pyramid of dressing-drenched green would have collapsed if one extra bit of crunchy bacon had been put on the top.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 11, 2015, 05:04:57 am
I also like the filling quotient of American sandwiches. They slice up an entire animal. In the UK, we've manage a single slice one molecule thick. An average British ham sandwich would, to any American, be vegetarian. Our fillings are practically homeopathic.

I remember a comedy act some years ago talking of the man who managed to cut a human hair into 16 separate and identifiable strands, and how after he retired he was put in charge of slicing the ham for British Rail sandwiches. In the UK a ham sandwich usually has a barely discernible slice of something that's kind of pink. In the US a ham sandwich has half a pig in it. There's no mistaking that it's got ham in it.

Quote
I was once terrorised outside Richmond by a huge waitress who insisted I had to have sweet tea. She wouldn't let me have it unsweetened. Seriously. She stood over me and watched me drink it while my girlfriend sniggered. Till she fell under the gaze. You too, sweetcheeks. (I think she might have actually said 'sweetcheeks'.) Every time we took a sip she'd get us a new refill. We had to visit every rest stop on I-73, not just to relieve ourselves but to run around in mad circles trying to expend the sugar rush. If you've seen the episode of the Simpsons where Bart and Milhouse hit the neat slushie syrup, you'll know the sensation.

I was served sweet tea by a waiter in South Carolina, I suspect to thwart my efforts to eat the toreados he served me. Sadly it worked, the sugar rush combined with the heat of the toreados put paid to my desire to defeat them.

Quote
A proper NY baked cheesecake is hard to find, but worth it. There's a place in Boerum Hill that serves baked slices of heaven and they put a dollop of proper ice cream on top just in case you're running a calorie deficit. The cop thing is a good tip, they're good at detecting handsome calories. A friend of mine is in the LAPD and he took us for ride in his police cruiser and anyway, we pull up in South Central by a group of heavily tattooed Hispanic gang stereotypes who all start giving us the eye. We then have to push through this crowd being very British, wielding Mac-10s of sorry, to find a grubby looking van serving what the people of Hackney call 'street food'. I got a burrito about the same size as a body wrapped in a carpet. And bless my gut, if it wasn't the most awesomely filthy burrito ever. I was in spicy, meaty, cheesy heaven.

I just don't rate New York cheesecake but know what you mean about burritos. When you need a second person to carry it away you know you're in USAnia.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 12, 2015, 06:48:39 pm
I do wonder how Pret do in the US – they're sprouting around New York. I confess I've never been in one on the grounds it seems a bit pointless as every other shop in London that isn't an Eat or similar is a Pret (I've been in the Nandos in DC though, just because). Do they do the homeopathically underfilled brit sandwiches or do they say fuck it, slice the whole damn pig and order another truck load of avocado. I've seen Americans peel apart a brit sandwich and the look of disappointment that slowly curdles on their face is priceless. 'This is it?' those forlorn faces say as they appraise a lonely sliver of ham, so thin it looks like it was cut on an ultramicrotome. I just nod knowingly. We have, as a race, suffered at the hands of our tyrannical and misery sandwich overlords. It's the entire class system. You can bet whatever the Earl of Sandwich first slammed between two slices of bread, it had the kind of substantial weight that would been admired even by a blimp-sized family of mid-westerners.

And ye god, wraps. Order a deli wrap in a NYC deli. That's a wrap. A thin bit of bread making a valiant effort to restrain a riot of ingredients. In the UK at least half the wrap is literally just folded bread with no filling at all. Just dry stodge that eventually mixes with enough saliva to coat your teeth like house render.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 13, 2015, 03:55:21 am
I bet the Earl of Sandwich's ur-butty didn't contain anything as poncy as fucking avocado though.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 13, 2015, 04:18:08 am
I do wonder how Pret do in the US – they're sprouting around New York. I confess I've never been in one on the grounds it seems a bit pointless as every other shop in London that isn't an Eat or similar is a Pret (I've been in the Nandos in DC though, just because). Do they do the homeopathically underfilled brit sandwiches or do they say fuck it, slice the whole damn pig and order another truck load of avocado. I've seen Americans peel apart a brit sandwich and the look of disappointment that slowly curdles on their face is priceless. 'This is it?' those forlorn faces say as they appraise a lonely sliver of ham, so thin it looks like it was cut on an ultramicrotome. I just nod knowingly. We have, as a race, suffered at the hands of our tyrannical and misery sandwich overlords. It's the entire class system. You can bet whatever the Earl of Sandwich first slammed between two slices of bread, it had the kind of substantial weight that would been admired even by a blimp-sized family of mid-westerners.

And ye god, wraps. Order a deli wrap in a NYC deli. That's a wrap. A thin bit of bread making a valiant effort to restrain a riot of ingredients. In the UK at least half the wrap is literally just folded bread with no filling at all. Just dry stodge that eventually mixes with enough saliva to coat your teeth like house render.

Can't say I've seen a Pret in the US yet, but then I don't care much for NYC (I find it much like London but noisier and dirtier).

I recently visited a chain called Jersey Mike's for a sub. I went for the small version - the "big kahuna cheesesteak". It's a good job it came wrapped in silver foil because the thing was big enough it was hard to eat without the filling falling out all over the place. If I'd tried to eat the large version (twice the size of the small one, and about two-thirds more expensive) I'd probably have been there a week later still digesting it. Maybe the whole theory of evolution is wrong and snakes really evolved from humans having figured out they only need one meal at an American food outlet, taking the time to digest it over a week or more rather than crapping it out the next day only to repeat the process and end up weighing more than their SUV.

In the UK I found Pret sandwiches to be mostly eatable (I say eatable rather than edible, due to the way some sandwich companies offerings were eatable in the sense that you could put them in your mouth and chew and swallow them but I struggle to see why anyone would choose to do such a thing let alone pay money for the privilege). Wraps were another matter. If you order the "chicken salad wrap" you can be sure that the cut ends will show succulent hunks of chicken breast. Bite into it and you'll find the hunks of chicken breast are carefully shaped to look about four times the size they really are, and the rest of the wrap is filled with limp lettuce.

Still, at least it isn't a Tesco style sandwich where what you can see is a bucketload of white gunge with the promised ingredients hiding in miniscule quantities and the shape is such that it's clear you get a couple of tiny pieces of chicken and the rest of it is just bread padded out with white gunge.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 13, 2015, 11:05:46 am
There's always a low grade cheesesteak war going on along the eastern seaboard (believe me, don't even engage a Philadelphian in this discussion, it'll go on for hours and pull in half the neighbourhood) a good part of which is size. Size is very important to Americans. I feel for American womanhood, who upon engaging in bedroom activities with the man of their choice, are forever cursed with the knowledge that they've held a sandwich far bigger than that earlier in the day. Even American men, when they look down, must think the same, that that's no sandwich.

Anyway, some cheesesteaks are now so big that they can be mistaken for a small nuclear submarine. Admittedly, one after a bizarre Cheez Whiz accident. And no, I'm not saying anything bad about Cheez Whiz because I love processed cheese food products. Plus I think the cold war would have been a lot more interesting if they'd swapped nuclear weapons for food products. Imagine it the Americans had coated Moscow in Cheez Whiz. The Russians could have retaliated by turning the Potomac rubescent with a carefully deployed burst of borscht followed up by a cabbage-related offensive up the coast. Before you know it, Twinkies would have been falling from Leningrad to Volgograd and Hostess Cakes would have been bigger than Lockheed Martin.

But yes, British supermarket sandwiches. If there's any meal that epitomises disappointment, it's there, on the shelves of a high street. It's no wonder Pret and the like get away with £5 sandwiches when the alternative is a couple of limp slices of bread uneasily caressing a minimal amount of filling that's been embedded in a tomb of glutinous mayonnaise for about seven days. The whole thing tastes of sticky nothing enlivened by occasional cryptic changes in texture.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on July 13, 2015, 11:36:19 am
Pret does well in Hong Kong, which constantly amazes me. Especially considering what else you can get for the price.

With HK, they were explaining that it's people who don't want to waste their lunch time, queuing for a space in cafe/restaurant. Or girls on a diet. The single sandwich, in its tiny triangle box sells very well in Hong Kong.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on July 13, 2015, 01:24:31 pm
I like sandwiches with only a modest filling. The idea of half a cow between 2 bits of bread doesn't do it for me at all.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 13, 2015, 03:25:09 pm
I like a sandwich which doesn't come with half a market garden in it.  It irks my Yorkshire soul to pick out bits of lettuce, cucumber and tomato and drop them in the bin.  Unfortunately the only retailers who seem to agree with me are the horriblemarkets, whose products taste like they're kept fresh by the "machine wash at number five" method.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 13, 2015, 05:00:14 pm
Nah, I want a sandwich that groans with filling. Getting all that filling in should be like squeezing an over-upholstered fellow into an economy class seat (did I ever tell the story of the large chap who got stuck in his rigid-sided exit row seat and the entire crew had to come and pull him out, at one point they were probably calculating if they had enough butter to lubricate him free, before he popped free and hit the bulkhead so hard that he ended up upgrading himself to business class).

The benefit of the overfilled sandwich is that it's nicely layered and you can mine the filling to build a couple of meaty side salads to accompany your now more modest sandwich. You can't go the other way, not even Jesus can turn a solitary slice of processed and reformed ham into anything worthwhile, never mind construct a couple of extra meals out of it. And I'm sorry, Pret, but really a NY club sandwich with three (THREE!) slices of pastrami wouldn't even be allowed. They'd get Bob Geldof to organize a benefit gig for that sandwich.

I'm surprised China isn't full of Prets (Google says there's one in Shanghai), bready goodness is a bit of a novelty. I think Subways are popping up.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on July 13, 2015, 07:36:23 pm
We've been brought up with salad in sandwiches.
Kid Brother's sandwiches from Mum seemed popular enough for Kid Brother to be able to sell them to supplement his pocket money.
Kid Brother's (then) 4 year old daughter disassembled tuna sandwich, inserted lettuce from sandwich tray garnish and reassembled sandwich at nephew's wedding reception Ooop North.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 14, 2015, 01:46:06 am
There's always a low grade cheesesteak war going on along the eastern seaboard (believe me, don't even engage a Philadelphian in this discussion, it'll go on for hours and pull in half the neighbourhood) a good part of which is size. Size is very important to Americans. I feel for American womanhood, who upon engaging in bedroom activities with the man of their choice, are forever cursed with the knowledge that they've held a sandwich far bigger than that earlier in the day. Even American men, when they look down, must think the same, that that's no sandwich.

There's certainly some good stuff and some less good stuff out there. When it's called a Philadelphia Cheesesteak it's probably not a good idea to insult it too openly in Philadelphia. It would seem like going to Champagne and telling them their fizzy wine stinks. Size certainly matters, and what you do with it makes little difference as most of it will fall out over the table anyway. And that's before you get onto the sandwiches...

Quote
Anyway, some cheesesteaks are now so big that they can be mistaken for a small nuclear submarine. Admittedly, one after a bizarre Cheez Whiz accident. And no, I'm not saying anything bad about Cheez Whiz because I love processed cheese food products. Plus I think the cold war would have been a lot more interesting if they'd swapped nuclear weapons for food products. Imagine it the Americans had coated Moscow in Cheez Whiz. The Russians could have retaliated by turning the Potomac rubescent with a carefully deployed burst of borscht followed up by a cabbage-related offensive up the coast. Before you know it, Twinkies would have been falling from Leningrad to Volgograd and Hostess Cakes would have been bigger than Lockheed Martin.

I like white American cheese (aka plastic cheese) but really struggle with Cheez Whiz. It just doesn't taste anything like cheese to me. At least the highly processed and perfectly formed white American cheese tastes like part of it came from a cow whereas Cheez Whiz tastes like it never went anywhere near a cow, except perhaps by accident. Maybe the cows got a little closer than expected to the fence beside the interstate as the truck went past. It's hard to see it being any closer than 100 yards to a cow.

A food war between the US and USSR (as was) could have been interesting. A former tactic in war was to dump vast amounts of forged currency with a view to crashing the currency. If the US had dumped vast stockpiles of Twinkies and Tasty Kake products all over Russia they could have made the Russians so fat they wouldn't fit into their military vehicles and won by default. A generous dumping of Cheez Whiz would made the area glow in the dark in a way Chernobyl could only imagine.

Quote
But yes, British supermarket sandwiches. If there's any meal that epitomises disappointment, it's there, on the shelves of a high street. It's no wonder Pret and the like get away with £5 sandwiches when the alternative is a couple of limp slices of bread uneasily caressing a minimal amount of filling that's been embedded in a tomb of glutinous mayonnaise for about seven days. The whole thing tastes of sticky nothing enlivened by occasional cryptic changes in texture.

Yes, the "disappointment in a wrapper" product. At least with McDonalds you know you're buying something that isn't going to be great, but the way supermarkets present their sandwiches you'd think you're getting a decent amount of filling, only to realise that the two chunky pieces of chicken you see facing you are the only two pieces of chicken in a sea of tasteless gunge.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 14, 2015, 01:46:47 am
I like sandwiches with only a modest filling. The idea of half a cow between 2 bits of bread doesn't do it for me at all.

I have to say I agree with you. I'd rather just eat the half cow, save the bread for someone else.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 14, 2015, 08:39:07 am
I gave the entire cold war via food thing a good think last night. I have to say that there is no way ever that cabbage can beat Twinkies. The USSR was doomed from the start.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on July 14, 2015, 11:44:34 am
The Sainsbergs version of horriblemarket sandwiches can be acceptable. My bike shop boss buys the weekend satff lunch so I regularly pop out to get the supplies. Their purple baggie salt beef and Tewksbury mustard mayo or the ham hock and mature cheddar sandwiches or their southern fried chicken or chicken and bacon ranch baguettes or their indian inspired nan bread thing have substance and flavour that are tolerable.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 14, 2015, 12:02:42 pm
I gave the entire cold war via food thing a good think last night. I have to say that there is no way ever that cabbage can beat Twinkies. The USSR was doomed from the start.

There's an old joke which goes something like:

Comrade General Stakhanov: Our soldiers of glorious Red Army get 3000 calories food a day!
General Dieselburger III: That's nothing, boy!  Uncle Sam's boys get 5000 calories a day!
Comrade General Stakhanov: Is nonsense!  No man can eat whole sack of potato in twenty-four hours!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 14, 2015, 06:00:12 pm
Mr Sainsbury, I see you have a new design on your 1.75L cartons of orange juice.  I see it is confected using a "new recipe", though how this is achieved for 100% pure orange juice I wot not.

What I did not see is that there is no longer a ring-pull wossname under the screw cap.

(Wipes juice off trousers)

Fuckers >:(
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on July 14, 2015, 08:20:22 pm
Lunchtime today.  Distraught by the fact that they were not able to serve me soup on a plank, and had to compromise with soup in a plate on a plank, they compensated by putting my butter on a rock.  (Which they'd probably just picked up in the car park)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v249/Bloke_on_a_bike/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG_20150714_125624_zps6d1fc8b7.jpg) (http://smg.photobucket.com/user/Bloke_on_a_bike/media/Mobile%20Uploads/IMG_20150714_125624_zps6d1fc8b7.jpg.html)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 16, 2015, 02:56:55 pm
Mr Sainsbury's House Of Toothy Comestibles, might I trouble you to put on the carton of your Lentil Dhal SOUP, in the biggest letters than will physically fit, "contains the foulness that is spinach".

:sick:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 16, 2015, 04:42:54 pm

Have to thank the makers of tinned Cullen Skink soup for their "new recipe".

For those not familiar with it, it's essentially a fish soup. The new recipe added a load of boiled onion.

So the headline might have been written "New Fish Soup Recipe, now with less fish". Gee, thanks.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on July 16, 2015, 08:25:23 pm
Quote from: wikipedia
Cullen skink is a thick Scottish soup made of smoked haddock, potatoes and onions.

The exact quantities may vary as does the use of milk or cream.












Waits
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on July 16, 2015, 11:12:25 pm
Waits

Tom?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on July 17, 2015, 08:00:29 pm
...they'd loaded it with two enormous oblongs of nshima, ...

Is nshima like ugali?  If so, unlucky you!  Like polenta but without so much as the appealing colour.

I've rarely been whelmed by a tropical fruit, other than a mango.

Never eaten mangosteen?

Yup, same stuff as you find throughout Africa, pap whatever. White polenta. Very bland. I tried to spice it up with an indelicate helping of sauce. If you'd ever had nali sauce, you'll know why this wasn't such a good idea. The best one was in Ghana once where the chef made a fish shape out of it and then stuck a fried fish head on the end. Et voilà, le poisson. Never figured out what happened to the rest of the fish. I'm not generally a fan of fish heads.

You know, I don't think I have eaten a mangosteen. But I'm really having a strong impression of a mango bursting out with Born in the USA.
I bought a mangosteen today.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 17, 2015, 11:26:24 pm
Quote from: wikipedia
Cullen skink is a thick Scottish soup made of smoked haddock, potatoes and onions.

The exact quantities may vary as does the use of milk or cream.


It's still hard to see who thinks a soup is improved by the addition of copious amounts of boiled onion. Although if the soup in question had been French Onion soup I'd have given them a pass on it. Even if the soup is supposed to be made with onion it's a seriously lame way of cheaping out to just load another couple of dozen onions into it while taking fish away. It's like biting into a steak and onion pie to find it contains a plateful of boiled onion and a couple of small bits of steak. There's steak in it and there's onion in it so it's technically a "steak and onion" pie but, you know.... It's like saying Starbucks serves coffee and pays taxes. Except it isn't even like that, because Starbucks seems tragically bad at either of those things. How about saying Amazon sells books and pays taxes.


In the meantime, another visit to Jersey Mike's sub shop resulted in not only half a cow between the two pieces of bread but also enough lettuce to keep the local farmers in business. Just when I thought they couldn't possibly put anything else in it, on went some onion, pickles, jalapenos, banana peppers and probably some other stuff they snuck in while I wasn't looking.

Either way it tasted awesome, and gave my jaw muscles more of a workout than they've had since, well, the last time we were at Jersey Mike's trying to eat the Big Kahuna Cheesesteak Sub.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Clare on July 18, 2015, 07:53:10 am
B&B owners - two gulps does not a tea make. Please to be supplying a mug sized object.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 18, 2015, 07:07:44 pm
B&B owners - two gulps does not a tea make. Please to be supplying a mug sized object.

Better still, given teabags aren't exactly expensive when compared to the cost of an overnight stay, how about the freedom to drink lots of tea for those that want it?

It really is the equivalent of the poncey pubs that serve "a portion of chips" when you can count the chips without even looking at them individually. Potatoes aren't expensive, and a mountain of chips gives the impression of good value whereas getting four chips gives the impression of being shafted.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 21, 2015, 09:59:08 pm

Not so much a rant as a comment about portion sizes.

I took the bike out today to explore a few trails. On the way back I mysteriously veered off the road towards an ice cream vendor. I made the mistake of ordering the medium ice cream, which would have counted as something beyond extra large in any UK cafe. I'm sure I aged noticeably in the time it took to eat the leviathan.

Rumours abound regarding the fate of the last person to order the jumbo ice cream. Legend has it that upon being served the ice cream promptly underwent gravitational collapse and became a black hole, sucking in the unfortunate customer. I'm not sure if that's true but it could explain why the outlet in question seems to change hands every few years.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 22, 2015, 09:34:33 am
And so the loneliest, loneliest olive. Look, purveyors of Italian restaurants, leaves alone do not make a salad. Merely plonking a few anorexic slivers of parmesan and a small yarmulke of a parma ham on top doesn't make it all better. It's a salad, it should have other vegetables in it. And not just one suicidal olive. Some tomatoes? A cucumber? Peppers? A fancy artichoke or three? Not just a fistful of leaves that cost more than a Greek debt repayment. Yes, I'd would like some more bread, thanks, before I starve to death at the table.

At least there was bread. Say you want about our European neighbours, they've not entirely sunk into barbarity and understand that a meal should have a structure. I'll be honest, the best thing about our Gallic chums is the bread. I could go there for just breakfast. I can eat about eighteen baguettes in a single sitting.

All serves me right for going to an Italian restaurant in France. Made it all right with an epic Lyonnaise salad the next evening. There was enough pig in that to please even an American.

Yeah, the US ice cream portion thing. I once ordered some kind of sundae in Chicago which involved umpteen flavours of ice cream and all kinds of add-ins topped with several gallons of whipped cream. It really was something. My wife had to help carry it to the table. It wasn't even the large size. The two of us couldn't finish it. They say it takes a village. It would have done to finish that portion.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 23, 2015, 07:55:43 pm
Silly things to serve food and drink in, part 112: at Boston Tea Party yesterday, a bottle of juice was decanted into a cross between a jar and a mug. It was the size of a mug and had a handle, but was made of glass and had a screw thread at the top. I'm told the juice was good anyway.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 24, 2015, 05:38:49 am
Silly things to serve food and drink in, part 112: at Boston Tea Party yesterday, a bottle of juice was decanted into a cross between a jar and a mug. It was the size of a mug and had a handle, but was made of glass and had a screw thread at the top. I'm told the juice was good anyway.

Reminds me of the bar I was in many years ago in a sleepy corner of Pennsylvania. This was long before I knew what real beer was, and considered Budweiser on tap to be about as good as it got. Anyway, this bar had something passable to my palate at the time (IIRC it was something like Yuengling), and as I ordered my third pint of it the barmaid said it was cheaper by the quart. So I ordered a quart of it, and was basically presented with what looked like an oversized jam jar with some form of handle attached.

You may draw your own conclusions regarding the alcohol content of said beer from the fact that after drinking a gallon of the stuff I was still walking and perfectly coherent. That much Stella would have put me under the table.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 24, 2015, 07:35:58 am
We were in a pseudo-English pub in Assen (NL) once, but the only BEER on tap was the usual insipid Dutch wee-wee.  A member of our party talked the barman into using the decoration-only pint mugs for our party, to save shoe leather.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 24, 2015, 10:03:14 am
Silly things to serve food and drink in, part 112: at Boston Tea Party yesterday, a bottle of juice was decanted into a cross between a jar and a mug. It was the size of a mug and had a handle, but was made of glass and had a screw thread at the top. I'm told the juice was good anyway.

Reminds me of the bar I was in many years ago in a sleepy corner of Pennsylvania. This was long before I knew what real beer was, and considered Budweiser on tap to be about as good as it got. Anyway, this bar had something passable to my palate at the time (IIRC it was something like Yuengling), and as I ordered my third pint of it the barmaid said it was cheaper by the quart. So I ordered a quart of it, and was basically presented with what looked like an oversized jam jar with some form of handle attached.

You may draw your own conclusions regarding the alcohol content of said beer from the fact that after drinking a gallon of the stuff I was still walking and perfectly coherent. That much Stella would have put me under the table.

In a small town off the Potomac the other year we had a pleasant meal in a nice restaurant off the main street. They served Chimay by the pint (I want to say Blue, but I suspect given the amount imbibed and the fact that I didn't try to swim the Potomac, that it was Red). It wasn't in the right glass though.

I remember the first time I was in the US, going to a party and drinking (with a friend) an entire case of MGD to no effect other than my spending a lot of time queuing to use the toilet.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on July 24, 2015, 12:11:41 pm
When I was younger and dafter a mate and I found ourselves in a small town in the Ardennes. We found a pleasant bar with a good range of beers, so we got stuck in. After a few, Jon lost  the capacity to speak sensibly, so he wandered over to a display fridge, selected two bottle of a brew that we had not yet tried, paid, and had them opened and started to return to the table. The bar went quiet, a group of girls tried not to laugh, everyone else looked utterly shocked, and the barman ran to our table; we didn't have the correct glasses for the beer.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 24, 2015, 08:22:10 pm
Silly things to serve food and drink in, part 112: at Boston Tea Party yesterday, a bottle of juice was decanted into a cross between a jar and a mug. It was the size of a mug and had a handle, but was made of glass and had a screw thread at the top. I'm told the juice was good anyway.

Reminds me of the bar I was in many years ago in a sleepy corner of Pennsylvania. This was long before I knew what real beer was, and considered Budweiser on tap to be about as good as it got. Anyway, this bar had something passable to my palate at the time (IIRC it was something like Yuengling), and as I ordered my third pint of it the barmaid said it was cheaper by the quart. So I ordered a quart of it, and was basically presented with what looked like an oversized jam jar with some form of handle attached.

You may draw your own conclusions regarding the alcohol content of said beer from the fact that after drinking a gallon of the stuff I was still walking and perfectly coherent. That much Stella would have put me under the table.

In a small town off the Potomac the other year we had a pleasant meal in a nice restaurant off the main street. They served Chimay by the pint (I want to say Blue, but I suspect given the amount imbibed and the fact that I didn't try to swim the Potomac, that it was Red). It wasn't in the right glass though.

I remember the first time I was in the US, going to a party and drinking (with a friend) an entire case of MGD to no effect other than my spending a lot of time queuing to use the toilet.

It's odd, some of what passes for beer here is shockingly tragic. I struggled to avoid the social awkwardness associated with a friend serving Pabst Blue Ribbon a couple of weeks ago so took a can out of politeness. He's normally into craft beer (used to brew extensively himself) and every once in a while buys cheap rubbish to clear his palate and remind him of why he pays more for good stuff.

Then on the other hand you've got things like the Dogfish Head Theobroma beer I bought recently that comes in 750ml bottles and is about 9% abv. After a gallon of whatever it was I mentioned previously I'd have been perfectly OK to drive home (I didn't, but I have no doubt I could have done) but after a single bottle of Theobroma you won't want to be driving any time soon. Then you've got things like Stone beers - their Double Bastard Ale comes in a 22oz bottle and is about 11.6%abv, RuinTen is a massively hopped triple IPA that also comes in a 22oz bottle and isn't far shy of 11% abv, and so on.

It's strange to think that a single bottle of beer could leave you over the limit for driving for several hours, while other beer seems to make abominations like Kaliber look like they represent debauchery.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 24, 2015, 09:03:16 pm
If you get the chance, go to Stone's brew restaurant place in Escondido. We got chatting with someone in authority there, had a fine evening, and when we got back to the UK there was a big case of beer waiting. Being English has its perks (and I told them how I'd fallen out of the sky on the way to San Diego, and the waitress brought me free beer). Also reminds of the time I bumped into the Sierra Nevada sales team in my Philadelphia hotel bar. Beer guinea pig, you say? Oh, and Rogue in San Fran. Well, chaps if you insist I try. I make it my business to the find beer salespeople. I got sales radar.

I've always assumed the piss weak US beers were orientated around the need to drive. I don't think it's possible to drink enough MGD to fail a field sobriety test. The only danger is that if takes too long you'll start pissing like a out-of-control sprinkler attachment which could make you stumble off the straight line.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 25, 2015, 05:25:19 am
If you get the chance, go to Stone's brew restaurant place in Escondido.

Sadly I'm pretty much diagonally opposite them as far as the US is concerned. If I were even remotely close to it I'd certainly swing by, I've enjoyed almost every single one of their beers I've ever tried. The ones that fell flat weren't beers I disliked, just not beers I liked enough to buy again.

Quote
We got chatting with someone in authority there, had a fine evening, and when we got back to the UK there was a big case of beer waiting. Being English has its perks (and I told them how I'd fallen out of the sky on the way to San Diego, and the waitress brought me free beer). Also reminds of the time I bumped into the Sierra Nevada sales team in my Philadelphia hotel bar. Beer guinea pig, you say? Oh, and Rogue in San Fran. Well, chaps if you insist I try. I make it my business to the find beer salespeople. I got sales radar.

If I do make it there I'll be sure to lay on the accent good and thick.

I like the Rogue beers I've tried. I'd always thought of Sierra Nevada as being nasty generic yellow rubbish until I tried Torpedo and Hop Hunter (I'm rather partial to IPA, the hoppier the better). I'm sure hops will become an endangered species what with beers like Torpedo and Stone's totally bonkers RuinTen. I've got a bottle of that sitting in my cellar waiting for the ideal moment to drink it.

Quote
I've always assumed the piss weak US beers were orientated around the need to drive. I don't think it's possible to drink enough MGD to fail a field sobriety test. The only danger is that if takes too long you'll start pissing like a out-of-control sprinkler attachment which could make you stumble off the straight line.

I think it's as much about the marketing as anything else. Since in rural areas of the US it's nigh on impossible to go anywhere without driving it's not as if the concept of the designated driver is lost here, and in particularly remote areas it seems a fair number of people regard the DUI limits as advisory and make their own decision whether they are safe to drive (coming from London that sounds utterly bonkers, but it's marginally easier to understand in the light of the fact you're almost guaranteed not to encounter another car on your journey home)

Certainly drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon is the kind of thing that induces vomiting from the sheer volume of carbonated liquid long before the alcohol has any measurable effect.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 25, 2015, 06:38:06 pm
I've always assumed the piss weak US beers were orientated around the need to drive. I don't think it's possible to drink enough MGD to fail a field sobriety test. The only danger is that if takes too long you'll start pissing like a out-of-control sprinkler attachment which could make you stumble off the straight line.

Bizarrely you still get hung over if you guzzle enough of the swill.  Bud Light, in this case.  Well, it was free.  And the shops were shut.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 25, 2015, 08:32:07 pm
Silly things to serve food and drink in, part 112: at Boston Tea Party yesterday, a bottle of juice was decanted into a cross between a jar and a mug. It was the size of a mug and had a handle, but was made of glass and had a screw thread at the top. I'm told the juice was good anyway.

Reminds me of the bar I was in many years ago in a sleepy corner of Pennsylvania. This was long before I knew what real beer was, and considered Budweiser on tap to be about as good as it got. Anyway, this bar had something passable to my palate at the time (IIRC it was something like Yuengling), and as I ordered my third pint of it the barmaid said it was cheaper by the quart. So I ordered a quart of it, and was basically presented with what looked like an oversized jam jar with some form of handle attached.

You may draw your own conclusions regarding the alcohol content of said beer from the fact that after drinking a gallon of the stuff I was still walking and perfectly coherent. That much Stella would have put me under the table.
Never heard of Yuengling (sounds Chinese) but Budweiser would have me vomitting long before a gallon, and not from the alcohol. OTOH I'm off to Prague in a week or so and am looking forward to some proper Budweiser from Budweiser. And I bet it won't be served in a jam jar!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 25, 2015, 08:43:48 pm
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should contain:
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should not contain:

1: Or wheat, if you like wheat BEER
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jakob W on July 25, 2015, 09:16:40 pm
I recall Yuengling (Pennsylvania Dutch, innit) being pretty good when I tried it - a Wiener lager style. But then I had just come off 6 weeks without a decent drink (i.e. only Bud), so my palate may have been skewed.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on July 25, 2015, 11:07:08 pm
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should contain:
  • water
  • hops
  • barley1
  • yeast
  • the swim bladder of the Atlantic sturgeon (optional)
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should not contain:
  • rice
  • fruit
  • chocolate
  • anything else which makes it smell funny
  • a bit of fucking lime jammed in the neck of the bottle
  • rats

1: Or wheat, if you like wheat BEER
:thumbsup:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Andrij on July 25, 2015, 11:37:36 pm
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should contain:
  • water
  • hops
  • barley1
  • yeast
  • the swim bladder of the Atlantic sturgeon (optional)
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should not contain:
  • rice
  • fruit
  • chocolate
  • anything else which makes it smell funny
  • a bit of fucking lime jammed in the neck of the bottle
  • rats

1: Or wheat, if you like wheat BEER

Reinheitsgebot is a beautiful word.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 26, 2015, 04:25:25 am
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should contain:
  • water
  • hops
  • barley1
  • yeast
  • the swim bladder of the Atlantic sturgeon (optional)
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should not contain:
  • rice
  • fruit
  • chocolate
  • anything else which makes it smell funny
  • a bit of fucking lime jammed in the neck of the bottle
  • rats

1: Or wheat, if you like wheat BEER

I'd agree with most of that, but question the chocolate. Not that I want a beer to taste like a bar of chocolate, but the Dogfish Head Theobroma beer is made with cocoa nibs (among other things) and tastes truly divine.

A friend of mine said some years ago that if the government were to impose a 1000% VAT on bits of lime put into crappy Mexican beers they could close the budget deficit overnight.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 26, 2015, 05:15:29 am
I recall Yuengling (Pennsylvania Dutch, innit) being pretty good when I tried it - a Wiener lager style. But then I had just come off 6 weeks without a decent drink (i.e. only Bud), so my palate may have been skewed.

From what I can tell Yuengling started life as a mediocre beer, then got bought by some company and then enjoyed a new lease of life as a mediocre beer with a billion dollar advertising budget.

To be honest it's passable, I'd drink it in preference to things like Bud Lite, but it's not the sort of thing I'd rave about drinking.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 26, 2015, 01:00:22 pm
Yuengling has been around forever and these days, like Sam Adams, do that mass produced craft beer. Generally a better option than industrial bilge (seriously, people drink Budweiser in the UK, when they have a choice, it's worse that our own Carlsbergs/Carlings, and that's like comparing the merits of different urine samples, it's all piss and you're drinking it voluntarily). But indeed, I wouldn't cross the street for it, especially given that craft beer is everywhere in the US these days. It's the sort of stuff you'd take a party on the grounds that most of it will get guzzled by someone else (while you steal the nice stuff).

I sadly can't agree with Mr Larrer's beer list, I have some lovely rice beers in Japan (though I'd agree that generally rice and corn-based industrial effluent beers are to be avoided and anyone that drinks Corona should have a lime wedge shoved down their throat to keep them quiet while you shoot them), you can't condemn fruit once you've held a good, sour kriek, and you want all kinds of weird playing in good wheat beer, and I'll give chocolate a shot in a stout or porter. The rigorous adherence to a strict set of ingredients give you German beer that ranges from the insipid (Becks) through to the stolid, if dull.

But yes, this is a rant thread, so sod taxes, I say we hunt anyone who produces, drinks, or otherwise engages with 'tequila-flavoured' Mexican beer products with big angry dogs.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 26, 2015, 01:21:01 pm
Krieks is foul.  Various other Belgian aberrations fall into the same category and also smell funny.  Even Hoegaarden is a bit suspect with the orange peel and coriander.  German Hefeweizen is perfectly palatable without needing to be disguised as a fruit cake.

As for Corona, when I first visited USAnia the choice in Battle Mountain was between the usual domestic swill and slightly less rank Mexican stuff like Corona or Dos Equis.  Happily things have improved since 2002 and the place even has a proper liquor store.  Though the best stuff we ever had there was the year my chum Jeff blagged half a people-carrier of freebies from the Full Sail brewery of Hood River OR and gave it away to anyone who wanted it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CAMRAMan on July 26, 2015, 02:52:10 pm
Driving through the Mostviertel in Austria, we stopped off at Grein to break the journey overnight. I knew most was cider, so ordered a half litre. 'Mit spritze?' or summat like that was said by the waiter. I declined the offer of soda water and he looked surprised. The cloudy cider arrived and was knocked back quite rapidly. It had been a long drive and it was hot. A top up was ordered, the same question asked and the same response given. After I'd knocked it back quickly again, I started to feel the kick. Only then did I look at the drinks menu to find it was 9.5% and all the locals add soda water to it. It wasn't all that nice either. Westons Vintage is far superior, although Old Rosie is closer in style, I spose.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on July 26, 2015, 08:35:27 pm
Who remembers how Castlemaine XXXX got it's name?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 26, 2015, 09:35:38 pm
Yuengling has been around forever and these days, like Sam Adams, do that mass produced craft beer. Generally a better option than industrial bilge (seriously, people drink Budweiser in the UK, when they have a choice, it's worse that our own Carlsbergs/Carlings, and that's like comparing the merits of different urine samples, it's all piss and you're drinking it voluntarily). But indeed, I wouldn't cross the street for it, especially given that craft beer is everywhere in the US these days. It's the sort of stuff you'd take a party on the grounds that most of it will get guzzled by someone else (while you steal the nice stuff).

I sadly can't agree with Mr Larrer's beer list, I have some lovely rice beers in Japan (though I'd agree that generally rice and corn-based industrial effluent beers are to be avoided and anyone that drinks Corona should have a lime wedge shoved down their throat to keep them quiet while you shoot them), you can't condemn fruit once you've held a good, sour kriek, and you want all kinds of weird playing in good wheat beer, and I'll give chocolate a shot in a stout or porter. The rigorous adherence to a strict set of ingredients give you German beer that ranges from the insipid (Becks) through to the stolid, if dull.


I've enjoyed at least a sip or two of the Framboise my wife likes but, you know, it's not really beer. It's more like one of those sugary fruity things that's got some alcohol in it but doesn't really count as beer. Just like an abomination made of minced tofu and soya doesn't count as a burger even if it is served in a bun with a slice of plastic cheese-like product on top of it.

Where generic fizzy rubbish is concerned in the UK, some months ago I was at a friend's party that he'd hosted in a local 5-a-side club. The bar selection was dismal, in the same way the food on offer in prisoner-of-war camps in the movies is dismal. The one redeeming feature was that they had Old Speckled Hen in bottles, so I drank one of those. Some hours later I really wanted another drink but didn't want another bottle of Hen on the basis I had to drive and didn't want any more than a half. So I looked over the taps and opted for a half of Carlsberg. Well, suffice to say I wasn't going to have any issues with failing a breath-test because a mouthful of the stuff was all it took to remind me why I don't drink Carlsberg any more.

Still, it was better than the Castlemaine XXXX I drank (once) back in the 90s. In a club venue at a holiday camp the selection made the 5-a-side club look positively extravagant and the prices were outrageous. I'd seen the TV advertising for XXXX so ordered a pint. It was my first ever pint of the stuff and the minute it touched my lips I concluded it was going to be my last ever pint of the stuff. I can think of all sorts of things that the XXXX might represent, none of them repeatable in polite company.


Quote
But yes, this is a rant thread, so sod taxes, I say we hunt anyone who produces, drinks, or otherwise engages with 'tequila-flavoured' Mexican beer products with big angry dogs.

Curiously only the other night it was my turn to not drive home when my wife and I went to visit friends, and the only beer he had was the rather (in his words) cheap ass Mexican beer Sol. With lime juice. At least it masked the taste of the Sol. I would have taken something nicer but my cellar is heavily stocked with IPAs that he doesn't care for, and I didn't want a 20 mile diversion to get something better than Sol. I don't think his big dogs cared what we were drinking as long as they got fed.

It's amazing what we (at least what I) can put up with when it's socially awkward to reject it. Still, I got to mock my friend for his beer selection (again).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 26, 2015, 10:28:38 pm
I shouldn't complain, I'm recently back from copious amount of Malawi Carlsberg which, perhaps owing the the environs, didn't taste quite as bad as the real Carlsberg and reasonably drinkable. Given the alternative was Chibuka, I think a reasoned choice, unless you like your beer in a milk carton that requires vigorous shaking. Actually, it's not that bad, but something of acquired taste. I think usually made from sorghum or maize. And possibly dead dogs. When you travel a lot, especially to lesser visited parts of the word, it's common for locals to feed you something just to see what kinds of faces you pull.

It's still a world better than Australian beers which seem to be predicated on little more than being wet. Possibly they've improved, it's been many years since I've been out that way. I used to think they sent us all the bad stuff, then it turned out not to be true.

The problem with krieks is that they turned into Bacardi Breezers and become increasingly sweet and nasty. A proper 3 Fonteinen Oude Kriek will set you right, or a Cantillon. People will argue to the death over a good kriek, but it has to be lambic and face-puckeringly sour.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 26, 2015, 10:52:53 pm
When I was a Penniless Student Oaf we learned to tell the difference between imported tinnies of XXXX and the muck from Mortlake1.  Both were pretty 'orrible even by the standards of the mid-80s but the stuff that had made the trip from Captain Cook's Mistake at least had a reasonable alcohol content.  My grate frend Parry went to the launch of the draught version:

Brewery Droid: ...and we've reduced the strength because of the BRITISH penchant for session drinking!
Parry: Noooooooooo!  The only reason we drink it is coz it's strong!

1: The Aussie version had a red circle around the top of the can.  You can die happy knowing this.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tim Hall on July 26, 2015, 11:25:51 pm

1: Or wheat, if you like wheat BEER
I was in Amsterdam once where my ourquer de vache suggested I try a wheat beer, in place of the Euro-fizz.  Ever keen for new experiences, I agreed. A glass of something so cloudy that if it were a pint of honest BRITON'S BEER you would have no qualms in handing it straight back, even if the landlady was Ursula The Sea Witch that used to inhabit Thee Pubbe near here, was placed in front of me. But they made it better. By putting a slice of lemon in it. Innit.

(It tasted v nice)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pickled Onion on July 27, 2015, 08:05:57 am
When I was a Penniless Student Oaf we learned to tell the difference between imported tinnies of XXXX and the muck from Mortlake1

On a visit there many years ago, some of the fermenting vessels were marked as "HG4X". I asked, and was told they contained "High Gravity XXXX, we brew it like this then dilute at carbonation." So it literally is watered-down lager.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on July 27, 2015, 08:14:33 am
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should contain:
  • water
  • hops
  • barley1
  • yeast
  • the swim bladder of the Atlantic sturgeon (optional)
Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should not contain:
  • rice
  • fruit
  • chocolate
  • anything else which makes it smell funny
  • a bit of fucking lime jammed in the neck of the bottle
  • rats

1: Or wheat, if you like wheat BEER

I agree with all of that, but for one thing.

Two of my favourite Lagers are Barley and rice combinations (FWIW Lal Toofan and Estrella Damm*), so although rice beer is 'orrible on it's own, it can do something for a beer if used in the right way.

*See, I had to get it in there, somewhere! :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on July 27, 2015, 09:36:44 am
There was a myth that a brewery (allegedly the Courage one in Bristol) used an alpha-numerical batch numbering system, a letter, a numeral, a letter. Starting A1A, then B1A. It is alleged thar eventually a batch of lager was coded
(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 27, 2015, 11:19:04 am
On the subject of beer, Guinness. I still don't get that, it's nasty watery stout, like it's something they've used to wash out the barrels they brewed the real stout in. Yeah, yeah, some pub bore will lecture on how much better it tastes in Dublin. I've been to Dublin and it tastes much the same. I think it's universally shit. Other than the weird stuff they have in Africa, which tastes bit like they included hydrazine in the mix. I can only figure Guinness being popular because the alternatives are Carling (tastes of nothing, bottled water has more flavour) or Stella (tastes of weird chemicals, I think it might actually be some kind of industrial degreaser).

On other matters, as I mentioned them elsewhere: the avocado. For some reason I insist on buying them (I have a Macbook). Beyond that, I don't know why, as they taste like nothing and feel like something might have decomposed in in your mouth as you eat them. You can bash them up into guacamole, but it's just hesitantly spicy green sludge. Has anyone ever had an avocado that tasted of anything?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on July 27, 2015, 11:43:28 am
At one time the alternatives (in Ireland) to Guinness was Murphys, or Harp lager, or Smithwicks bitter. If you've tasted any of them you'll know why Guinness was popular.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on July 27, 2015, 05:17:45 pm
I am no aficionado of fermented grain but was a little surprised to see maize as an ingredient of Stella Artois.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 27, 2015, 05:28:22 pm
I think avocado is one of those fruits/veges which is usually sold way under-ripe. If you do get a ripe one, it's quite tasty.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CAMRAMan on July 27, 2015, 05:35:10 pm
Guinness Foreign Export is very nice and very strong. Except for the Nigerian version, that is. It is so far removed from the nitrokeg pub stuff that it's hard to fathom how the two drinks could emerge from the same brewery. They have recently launched a West Indies Porter that is also very good and a more reasonable 6% ABV.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on July 27, 2015, 05:57:09 pm
I was told that the famed upchuck scene in The Exorcist used guacamole.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 27, 2015, 07:37:21 pm
I think avocado is one of those fruits/veges which is usually sold way under-ripe. If you do get a ripe one, it's quite tasty.

As far as can tell they go from solid and bland to slimy and bland, the only real difference is that when trying to peel them you get gloopy fingers like you've been playing with ectoplasm and trying to raise the teeming dead. Raising the teeming dead is also far more fun than peeling an avocado. Perhaps the afterlife, like Apple's Cupertino reception area, is filled with avocados.

Hmm, Harp and Murphy's, that's my student bad dream cocktail. I think all the Guinness Foreign Export stuff is brewed under licence on site, basically Guinness send out some flavouring (Google tells me it's prosaically named Guinness Flavouring Extract) and it gets blended into local booze (in Nigeria and Ghana it's sorghum lager). As mention, I think the Nigerians spice it up with a dash of hydrazine. Leastways that's what it tastes like. I'd class these drinks as interesting. Normal Guinness is just black water. The shame is that there are so many utterly wonderful stouts that I could drink by the bathful but people rave about that sour, watery, poor impression of a stout.

I'm frankly surprised the chief ingredient of Stella isn't piss. It's the rankest lager ever, and that's saying something given the competition. I once licked a mixture of mercaptoethanol and putrescine off my thumb and believe me, the taste was still nicer than Stella. It's the only beer improved by the taste of the pump line cleaner.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 27, 2015, 07:55:42 pm
The Stella sold by Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles tasted considerably different from that sold by Mr Patel in the offie, which:
which suggests Mr P's Stella was sourced outwith the recognised supply chain.

And both were nectar compared with Fosters.  My grate frend Mikey actually drinks Fosters of his own volition, but he's Canadian and probably had his taste buds frozen at an early age or eaten by BEARs or something.

Also: avocados.  Poo!  Do I want to eat something that sounds like a lawyer?  No.  No, I do not.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on July 27, 2015, 08:04:38 pm


The problem with krieks is that they turned into Bacardi Breezers and become increasingly sweet and nasty. A proper 3 Fonteinen Oude Kriek will set you right, or a Cantillon. People will argue to the death over a good kriek, but it has to be lambic and face-puckeringly sour.
3F, Hansens Kriek, Cantillon, Boon Oude Kriek (probably the least sour of those, but nice cherries.) All good. You could use the cheap and sweet stuff to cook duck in kriek sauce though :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on July 27, 2015, 08:05:26 pm
The Stella sold by Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles tasted considerably different from that sold by Mr Patel in the offie, which:
  • was nicer, and
  • lacked a lot of the "Brewed in $CHEMICAL_PLANT" information on the can
which suggests Mr P's Stella was sourced outwith the recognised supply chain.

And both were nectar compared with Fosters.  My grate frend Mikey actually drinks Fosters of his own volition, but he's Canadian and probably had his taste buds frozen at an early age or eaten by BEARs or something.

Also: avocados.  Poo!  Do I want to eat something that sounds like a lawyer?  No.  No, I do not.
Shirly you mean advokaat.
Another nommy drink. Not.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 28, 2015, 03:58:21 am
I shouldn't complain, I'm recently back from copious amount of Malawi Carlsberg which, perhaps owing the the environs, didn't taste quite as bad as the real Carlsberg and reasonably drinkable. Given the alternative was Chibuka, I think a reasoned choice, unless you like your beer in a milk carton that requires vigorous shaking. Actually, it's not that bad, but something of acquired taste. I think usually made from sorghum or maize. And possibly dead dogs. When you travel a lot, especially to lesser visited parts of the word, it's common for locals to feed you something just to see what kinds of faces you pull.

You don't even need to travel far to get that kind of welcome. Just go to Mousehole in Cornwall and ask about stargazey pie. I suppose the difference is they won't serve it to you unless you order it.

Quote
It's still a world better than Australian beers which seem to be predicated on little more than being wet. Possibly they've improved, it's been many years since I've been out that way. I used to think they sent us all the bad stuff, then it turned out not to be true.

Wet and cold. They serve it ice cold for two reasons. Firstly it's usually the only way you can tell it from urine and secondly if it ever warms up you can taste it and that's a Really Bad Thing. Much the same was said about American beer but that was before the nation discovered craft beer and vast arrays of options that didn't end in Lite appeared. It's truly remarkable just how many beers are produced here, especially given the tragic beginnings of the beer industry. It still applies pretty well to just about anything ending in Lite.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 28, 2015, 03:59:49 am
The Stella sold by Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles tasted considerably different from that sold by Mr Patel in the offie, which:
  • was nicer, and
  • lacked a lot of the "Brewed in $CHEMICAL_PLANT" information on the can
which suggests Mr P's Stella was sourced outwith the recognised supply chain.

And both were nectar compared with Fosters.  My grate frend Mikey actually drinks Fosters of his own volition, but he's Canadian and probably had his taste buds frozen at an early age or eaten by BEARs or something.

Also: avocados.  Poo!  Do I want to eat something that sounds like a lawyer?  No.  No, I do not.
Shirly you mean advokaat.
Another nommy drink. Not.

The difference between avocados and advokaat is quite substantial. One looks like congealed snot, the other like congealed pus.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on July 28, 2015, 09:27:20 am
...avocados and advokaat...

Could this be a basis for a cocktail?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on July 28, 2015, 10:58:21 am

The difference between avocados and advokaat is quite substantial.

Yup, I think only one has been a football manager.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on July 28, 2015, 11:18:55 am
...avocados and advokaat...

Could this be a basis for a cocktail?

The first Mrs E used to drink advokaat and port mixed. It looks like a boil in a glass.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: lahoski on July 28, 2015, 12:08:23 pm
The first Mrs E used to drink advokaat and port mixed. It looks like a boil in a glass.
This cannot be a thing. Please tell me this not an ACTUAL THING.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pickled Onion on July 28, 2015, 12:16:56 pm
The first Mrs E used to drink advokaat and port mixed. It looks like a boil in a glass.
This cannot be a thing. Please tell me this not an ACTUAL THING.

Google says "http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/dutchflip_87494"
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on July 28, 2015, 07:08:12 pm
The first Mrs E used to drink advokaat and port mixed. It looks like a boil in a glass.
This cannot be a thing. Please tell me this not an ACTUAL THING.

I wish I could!

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on July 28, 2015, 08:28:42 pm
Snowballs are my Eurovision drink of choice. They taste like the red lollies in sherbet dipdabs.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 28, 2015, 08:33:41 pm
Damn you all, I like advocat, and I won't be shamed.  I have a bottle in my fridge, when no one is looking I go rustle up a snowball. It tumbles me right back to my childhood when my gran used to make them. She also used to feed me Mackeson Milk Stout, which was, according to her, good for me. Even if I was about eight. I like milk stouts to this day though the last time I had Mackeson was about a decade ago when I found it on tap in a bar in Hong Kong.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on July 28, 2015, 10:03:38 pm
Damn you all, I like advocat, and I won't be shamed.  I have a bottle in my fridge, when no one is looking I go rustle up a snowball. It tumbles me right back to my childhood when my gran used to make them. She also used to feed me Mackeson Milk Stout, which was, according to my her, good for me. Even if I was about eight. I like milk stouts to this day though the last time I had Mackeson was about a decade ago when I found it on tap in a bar in Hong Kong.

I used to get Sweetheart Stout  :hand:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 28, 2015, 10:09:04 pm
I'm told it used to be SOP to give new mothers Guinness after giving birth but in the period between Dr Larrington's arrival and mine the practice died out.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on July 28, 2015, 11:49:42 pm
I understand blood donors were routinely given Guinness in Ireland.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 29, 2015, 05:03:00 am
...avocados and advokaat...

Could this be a basis for a cocktail?

If so there must be a huge amount of money available - all you need is an army of teenagers willing to squeeze zits into glasses and sneeze.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 29, 2015, 05:06:50 am
Damn you all, I like advocat, and I won't be shamed. 

You start a thread called "the food rant thread" and expect to be let off as easily as that, when drinking something that looks like pus? Are you kidding me?

Quote
She also used to feed me Mackeson Milk Stout, which was, according to her, good for me. Even if I was about eight. I like milk stouts to this day though the last time I had Mackeson was about a decade ago when I found it on tap in a bar in Hong Kong.

When I was a child (i.e. small enough to be drinking milk from a bottle) my parents had trouble getting me to sleep. A family friend said she gave her son (who was about the same age as me) a tablespoon of brandy in his milk and it put him out like a light. So a tablespoon of brandy went in my milk bottle, and had no effect at all. So the next day two tablespoons, then three, then four, and so on. By the time I was drinking 6oz of milk with 2oz of brandy and still not obliging by sleeping my parents gave up on the idea.

Curiously if anything it was whisky that had virtually no effect on me when I was of an age to test such limits. In my student days I could easily drink half a bottle of whisky or more and show no visible effects at all. One particular evening a friend thought I was "slightly tipsy", and was quite taken aback when he realised I'd had just shy of a pint of the stuff.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 29, 2015, 12:39:20 pm
Guinness is still regarded as having magical health powers in west Africa, the old 'Guinness is good for you' meme that still lingers on those worn and peeling adverts. I'm not sure how sick you have to be to make that a relative truth.

I'm still liking the advocaat. I got no shame, mix it up with Babycham a drop a morello cherry in it, and I'm all yours. It's also quite nice tipped over ice cream.

I'm more concerned that people are saying that some types of Stella 'aren't nice to drink' which presupposes that there is, somewhere, a Stella that is nice to drink. This doesn't seem conceivable. I think a lot of these brewed under licence things are like the Guinness, they knock up some kind of flavouring extract and ship it around the world and then dilute it with cheap, industrial lager product or cargo ship bilge on site.

Sadly, you can't get Lav lager in the UK, which is probably the most aptly named lager in the world (it's not that bad, compared to the industrial muck in our pubs).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 29, 2015, 01:04:56 pm
Advocaaaaaaaaat is a bit like drinking an especially sweet and liquid alcoholic custard. But not quite as good as that would actually be.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 30, 2015, 04:34:50 am
I'm still liking the advocaat. I got no shame, mix it up with Babycham a drop a morello cherry in it, and I'm all yours. It's also quite nice tipped over ice cream.

I believe the mocking should continue until you relent.

Quote
I'm more concerned that people are saying that some types of Stella 'aren't nice to drink' which presupposes that there is, somewhere, a Stella that is nice to drink. This doesn't seem conceivable. I think a lot of these brewed under licence things are like the Guinness, they knock up some kind of flavouring extract and ship it around the world and then dilute it with cheap, industrial lager product or cargo ship bilge on site.

It may be that the mythical "perfect pint of Stella" is a theoretical construct only, describing an item that's harder to find than a unicorn that craps solid gold. Although that said "this Stella isn't nice" doesn't technically imply that a product that might be called "nice Stella" actually exists, it merely observes that the Stella in the glass right now isn't nice. It's a bit like observing that a tart doesn't have a heart of gold, a traffic warden doesn't have a forgiving spirit, a dog barks like a stuck record and assume it's everybody's favourite, and a solicitor went on holiday in the middle of your complicated house purchase. The opposite may theoretically exist but its existence isn't technically implied by the observation. Maybe a vain hope lives on in those untainted by reality but, you know...

Quote
Sadly, you can't get Lav lager in the UK, which is probably the most aptly named lager in the world (it's not that bad, compared to the industrial muck in our pubs).
It's hard to imagine anything worse than Castlemaine XXXX. To think that people voluntarily hand over money to experience it is mind-boggling. Unless they did the same thing I did, buy one pint and resolve never to touch the stuff again, and there are just lots of unenlightened drifters who have yet to experience the culinary abomination that is XXXX.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on July 30, 2015, 08:36:55 am
Back in the 90s I worked for a firm that had offices all over Europe. We didn't visit them much but did occasionally. A college was dispatched to the Belgium office in Antwerp for a a couple of weeks to fill a skills gap on a project. When he came back we asked him how it went, his reply "Oh the people were nice but I couldn't find a decent pint of larger, they don't sell Fosters anywhere over there!". The rest of us were gobsmacked for days.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on July 30, 2015, 09:58:16 am
contango- ref XXXX - Can is suggest that you try  draft 1664 as a comparison?
If you are  of mature years , you may also have experienced the original  "Kestrel " lager marketed by Scottish and Newcastle.
Not their proudest achievement IMHO.

I have just googled Kestrel beer and it's being marketed with a "strong Scottish heritage". It's still piss in a can, just can't decide if its cats ,rats or gnats.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on July 30, 2015, 11:58:12 am
Kestrel do "Kestrel Premium" a 9% brew that I think is intended for those who find Special Brew a bit too upmarket and poncey.
I was reduced to drinking this at a bike rally once as that's all a friend brought back when he did a supermarket run with the kitty. An experience never to be repeated.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 30, 2015, 12:16:07 pm
I remember once, in another of those ill-advised student adventures, we had a party themed around various varieties of what might best be described as tramp juice. So we had the Special Brew, the Tennents Super, Kestrel Premium, White Lightning Cider, MD20, Thunderbird, and the like. It says something that even students couldn't drink this crap and had to abandon and go down the pub. And if you've ever thrown up Thunderbird (a natural corollary of having drunk Thunderbird) you'll never be able to look at another bottle, even behind the counter, without an involuntary stomach back-flip.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 30, 2015, 05:54:48 pm
contango- ref XXXX - Can is suggest that you try  draft 1664 as a comparison?
If you are  of mature years , you may also have experienced the original  "Kestrel " lager marketed by Scottish and Newcastle.
Not their proudest achievement IMHO.

I have just googled Kestrel beer and it's being marketed with a "strong Scottish heritage". It's still piss in a can, just can't decide if its cats ,rats or gnats.

In my younger (lager drinking) days I used to like 1664. I'd drink the "export" tagged lagers which seemed to be more or less the same as the regular ones. It was during my lager drinking days that I had my somewhat abortive adventure with XXXX. These days I tend not to drink much lager, I much prefer ales. Living on the left side of the Atlantic these days I don't know I could get 1664 if I tried, although I have seen Newcastle Brown Ale for sale at a price that makes me wonder why anyone in their right mind would pay it.

I vaguely remember Kestrel. Kestrel Super Strength was their silly strong beer (about 9.5% IIRC) that tasted pretty grim but was good for getting lots of alcohol down fast. I have vague memories of mixing it with tequila in my student days. Whether the memories are vague because of elapsed years, the effects of the alcohol, or a desperate attempt by my brain to rid itself of memories of the trauma remains unknown.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 30, 2015, 05:58:44 pm
I remember once, in another of those ill-advised student adventures, we had a party themed around various varieties of what might best be described as tramp juice. So we had the Special Brew, the Tennents Super, Kestrel Premium, White Lightning Cider, MD20, Thunderbird, and the like. It says something that even students couldn't drink this crap and had to abandon and go down the pub. And if you've ever thrown up Thunderbird (a natural corollary of having drunk Thunderbird) you'll never be able to look at another bottle, even behind the counter, without an involuntary stomach back-flip.

I remember drinking Thunderbird as a student, but only once. Mixing it with Kestrel Super and tequila seemed like a good idea at the time. The result wasn't the best tasting thing I've ever encountered but was good for getting very drunk, very fast (it still tasted vastly better than XXXX). The following morning demonstrated just what a Not Good Idea it had been.

I remember mixing Gold Label, Diamond White and pernod with a splash of blackcurrant to create a cocktail known as a Purple Nasty. The first time I ordered that in a non-student pub the barman looked at me as if to say "you want me to mix what?". One pint of that was all you'd need for the evening, a second pint would have nasty repercussions the following morning. Thankfully it wasn't long after ordering it that I started to grow up and stick to at least moderately more sensible drinks, even if "more sensible" still meant 1664.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hatler on July 30, 2015, 08:24:38 pm
I arranged a 'drink a rainbow' evening in my last year at college. I think the more intrepid souls almost completed a double rainbow. Sad (and hardly surprising) to say that I remember little, other than that my first yellow was a pint of lager and the blue was something with blue Curacao in it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 30, 2015, 09:10:30 pm
I'm pretty sure I've encountered 1664 in my travels in USAnia.  It's another one which varies in taste according to whether it comes from Mr Patel or Mr Sainsbury.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 30, 2015, 10:44:35 pm
I arranged a 'drink a rainbow' evening in my last year at college. I think the more intrepid souls almost completed a double rainbow. Sad (and hardly surprising) to say that I remember little, other than that my first yellow was a pint of lager and the blue was something with blue Curacao in it.

Ah yes, the sugary syrup with alcohol in it beloved of cocktails that just need a splash of colour.

A friend of mine was a teetotaller when he first arrived at university. On a trip into town I somehow helped him conclude that what he really needed was a bottle of creme de menthe, a bottle of creme de bananes, and a case of Budweiser. I never did figure out quite how that panned out. Still, bright green and bright yellow made for some interesting colour combinations, although the best-tasting drink (relatively speaking) we found with either of them was the rather dangerously named "snake in the grass" which turned out to be nothing more than creme de menthe and lemonade, with sugar optional in case the syrupy sweetness of the creme de menthe was insufficient.

On another note a fair few years ago a friend wanted to whittle down his drinks cabinet so invited a load of us around for a cocktail party. We started out drinking B52s, and when one of the ingredients ran out (we were quite well oiled by that stage) I just substituted it for something else and called it a B53. Next up was the B54, and so on. By the end of the evening we were into the 60s, nobody except me knew what was in the cocktails (and I couldn't remember), and all we knew was that the morning after there were lots of sore heads and the remains of the final drink was still in a glass. It was a murky green colour with a black swirl in it.

The host was pleased that a large chunk of his drinks cabinet had been cleared out, but less pleased that half of his bottle of 16-year-old Lagavulin had also disappeared along the way.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 30, 2015, 10:45:37 pm
I'm pretty sure I've encountered 1664 in my travels in USAnia.  It's another one which varies in taste according to whether it comes from Mr Patel or Mr Sainsbury.

I can't say I've noticed it but to be honest I haven't been looking out for it. I did find Old Speckled Hen in a supermarket in South Carolina a couple of years ago.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on July 30, 2015, 10:58:13 pm
I think the difference in booze is down to the imported vs. brewed under licence by industrial chemists. Brewers swear it's the same. My wife's BFF is someone mysteriously senior at SABMiller and she won't tell me, probably because they've put a microchip in her brain to stop her. Her eyes glaze like she's had Everest in and she says 'it is the same' in a robot voice, and then, a moment later, she clicks back into reality with a 'did I say something?'

Old Speckled Hen I find unmistakably foul too. Sort of sticky icky, like it's made out of tongues and snail slime.

On other matters, is it just me, or does Red Bull smell like old sick? And why are people drinking it. Apparently it contains taurine. Are they cats? Do they lick their own arse clean? Enquiring minds want to know. OK, you can skip the last bit.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: perpetual dan on July 30, 2015, 10:59:19 pm
I'm pretty sure I've encountered 1664 in my travels in USAnia.

Some time in the 90s I found Watney's Red Barrel in San Francisco. It feels a bit late to re-hash the Python rant.

I think this might also be relevant to the discussion...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g25HaJKSA2c (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g25HaJKSA2c)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on July 31, 2015, 01:14:40 pm
Missus brought home what looked a saucisson sec. Corsican, proverbially made from donkey but this one said pork.  So I chop off a few chunks and try it. Strange flavour, maybe the pork was called Neddy after all.

Having eaten about a third with it, sharing with the dogs, I read further in the ingredients list and find "à consommer cuit à coeur" - "cook through before eating".

So here I am, sitting with several inches of raw donkey pig parts in my gut, awaiting consequences.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on July 31, 2015, 01:45:44 pm
You are more likely to suffer ill-health from part-cooked piggy than donkey.

You'll probably be fine anyway.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on July 31, 2015, 04:55:00 pm
I arranged a 'drink a rainbow' evening in my last year at college. I think the more intrepid souls almost completed a double rainbow. Sad (and hardly surprising) to say that I remember little, other than that my first yellow was a pint of lager and the blue was something with blue Curacao in it.

Ah yes, the sugary syrup with alcohol in it beloved of cocktails that just need a splash of colour.

A friend of mine was a teetotaller when he first arrived at university. On a trip into town I somehow helped him conclude that what he really needed was a bottle of creme de menthe, a bottle of creme de bananes, and a case of Budweiser. I never did figure out quite how that panned out. Still, bright green and bright yellow made for some interesting colour combinations, although the best-tasting drink (relatively speaking) we found with either of them was the rather dangerously named "snake in the grass" which turned out to be nothing more than creme de menthe and lemonade, with sugar optional in case the syrupy sweetness of the creme de menthe was insufficient.

On another note a fair few years ago a friend wanted to whittle down his drinks cabinet so invited a load of us around for a cocktail party. We started out drinking B52s, and when one of the ingredients ran out (we were quite well oiled by that stage) I just substituted it for something else and called it a B53. Next up was the B54, and so on. By the end of the evening we were into the 60s, nobody except me knew what was in the cocktails (and I couldn't remember), and all we knew was that the morning after there were lots of sore heads and the remains of the final drink was still in a glass. It was a murky green colour with a black swirl in it.

The host was pleased that a large chunk of his drinks cabinet had been cleared out, but less pleased that half of his bottle of 16-year-old Lagavulin had also disappeared along the way.

Back in my misspent military days, I celebrated my 21st birthday at The Plastic Pub in Omagh- a faux Tudor style building within the boundary of the barracks so that us squaddies could have a safe evening in the pubbe.

My celebrations were concluded by my being presented with a 'Kamikaze'. I had the choice- straight or jug, lemonade or coke. I chose straight and lemonade. My chosen straight pint glass was then deployed back and forth along the optics until there was an inch space left for the lemonade. Said 'Kamikaze' then landed on the table in front of me.

Fuzzy health warning- only open the spoiler if graphic descriptions of bodily output can be tolerated.

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 31, 2015, 06:45:04 pm
I think the difference in booze is down to the imported vs. brewed under licence by industrial chemists. Brewers swear it's the same. My wife's BFF is someone mysteriously senior at SABMiller and she won't tell me, probably because they've put a microchip in her brain to stop her. Her eyes glaze like she's had Everest in and she says 'it is the same' in a robot voice, and then, a moment later, she clicks back into reality with a 'did I say something?'

It's remarkable how different something can taste based on whether it's from a bottle or a can. Sometimes in the summertime my wife and I will drink a Redd's Apple Ale. It's nothing to write home about but it's cold and reasonably refreshing, and a bottle of it isn't sufficiently potent to worry about whether we'll have to drive later (unlike many Stone beers, where a single 22oz bottle means you need to hang up the car keys for about six weeks). Recently we realised it was cheaper to buy it in cans so we did, and regretted it. We've got two cans left, then it's back to bottles.

Quote
Old Speckled Hen I find unmistakably foul too. Sort of sticky icky, like it's made out of tongues and snail slime.

Says the man who likes advocaat. Excuse me if I don't take that rant particularly seriously :P

Quote
On other matters, is it just me, or does Red Bull smell like old sick? And why are people drinking it. Apparently it contains taurine. Are they cats? Do they lick their own arse clean? Enquiring minds want to know. OK, you can skip the last bit.

Couldn't tell you, the closest I've been to an open can of Red Bull is when someone at a nearby table was drinking some. Truth be told that's the closest I particularly want to get to an open can of Red Bull.

Actually, on reflection, that's not entirely true. I think I cycled past a discarded Red Bull can once. That was probably the closest I've ever been to an open can of Red Bull.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 31, 2015, 07:01:33 pm
In a fit of teh Stupidz I bought a can of Red Bull from a petrol station in the closing overs of the Cheddar Gorge 300, as I was getting the dozies.  And there was BEER in my motor-car at the arrivée.  This was a purchase that will not be repeated yet in spite of its foulness Mateschitz owns not one but two Formula One teams ???

Red Bull and its ilk were banned in the Gulag and with good reason - anyone caught drinking something that vile deserves to be out on the street with naught to show for it but a depleted bank balance and a crack habit.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on July 31, 2015, 07:26:03 pm
Advocaaaaaaaaat is a bit like drinking an especially sweet and liquid alcoholic custard. But not quite as good as that would actually be.

It seems to me more like a blend of liquid custard and the contents of the pimples on the faces of a thousand teenagers.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 04, 2015, 09:49:34 am
The smell of Red Bull is evil. It can fill a room like sarin within a few seconds of someone popping a can open. It smells like stomach contents. Given that the wayward youth down it with vodka it is a considerable component of what they spray over Croydon town centre's pavements in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Like Thunderbird and Southern Comfort, it's one of those liquids that smells as bad going down as coming up.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on August 04, 2015, 08:39:50 pm
I once found a case of Thunderbird in a friend's kitchen.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 05, 2015, 12:09:28 am
The smell of Red Bull is evil. It can fill a room like sarin within a few seconds of someone popping a can open. It smells like stomach contents.

... says the man who likes a blend of custard and the contents of zits, aka advocaat ...

Quote
Given that the wayward youth down it with vodka it is a considerable component of what they spray over Croydon town centre's pavements in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Like Thunderbird and Southern Comfort, it's one of those liquids that smells as bad going down as coming up.

Mixing Thunderbird and Southern Comfort is a Really Bad Idea. Throwing tequila into the mix turns it into an Apocalyptically Bad Idea. Don't ask how I know.... it relates to a university night of which I have very little memory, other than that mixing Thunderbird, Southern Comfort and tequila proved to be an Apocalyptically Bad Idea.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 05, 2015, 10:44:09 am
Well, I can only imagine Thunderbird alone contravenes several chemical weapons conventions. Mixing it like that could take out several city blocks. I think the story goes that E&G Gallo invented Thunderbird as part of a Republican plot to wipe out homeless people. Actually that might have been Wild Irish Rose. They're all better than Cisco Strawberry. I think that was invented to euthanise adult elephants. You know where they got the idea for the sizzling acid blood in Alien? Cisco Strawberry. When the Devil sat down in Hell one day and thought, boy, damning all these souls is thirsty work, if only we had something like Kool-Aid down here, Astaroth outdid himself came up with Cisco Strawberry for him. I think it's available in peach too. I'm pretty sure no fruit was harmed in its manufacture. Even the colour hurts your eyes so I can only imagine that any hangover, if not immediately fatal, is like having a rusty railway spike bashed through your head with an industrial steam hammer.

You can say whatever you want about my liking for advocaat, but even I have standards. I'm not sure if you can get Cisco Strawberry in the UK. For this we should be thankful.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on August 05, 2015, 01:47:13 pm
Well, I can only imagine Thunderbird alone contravenes several chemical weapons conventions. Mixing it like that could take out several city blocks. I think the story goes that E&G Gallo invented Thunderbird as part of a Republican plot to wipe out homeless people. Actually that might have been Wild Irish Rose. They're all better than Cisco Strawberry. I think that was invented to euthanise adult elephants. You know where they got the idea for the sizzling acid blood in Alien? Cisco Strawberry. When the Devil sat down in Hell one day and thought, boy, damning all these souls is thirsty work, if only we had something like Kool-Aid down here, Astaroth outdid himself came up with Cisco Strawberry for him. I think it's available in peach too. I'm pretty sure no fruit was harmed in its manufacture. Even the colour hurts your eyes so I can only imagine that any hangover, if not immediately fatal, is like having a rusty railway spike bashed through your head with an industrial steam hammer.

You can say whatever you want about my liking for advocaat, but even I have standards. I'm not sure if you can get Cisco Strawberry in the UK. For this we should be thankful.

Is Cisco Strawberry like an alcoholic version of that 70's wonder drink Cresta? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvo2Hddqg3I)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 05, 2015, 03:45:55 pm
Oh, if only. I've only tasted Cisco Strawberry once and that one sip was truly enough to kill my curiosity (and my taste buds and probably most of the cats in the neighbourhood). According to the internet, Cisco Berry is worse which defies imagination. What scale of horrid could they be using? It's like the evil step-cousin of MD20/20 (which sounds like something used to lubricate the moving parts of a combine harvester, MD is apparently Mogen David, which sounds like one of those evil preacher types that turns up in supernatural movies, don't drink the green one Carol Ann.)

If I recall, Cisco Strawberry had a bouquet of part-chewed Starburst and a taste that resembled cough sweets ground up in anti-freeze. The internet confirms its reputation as 'liquid crack'. Nothing that colour is going to be good for you (see also MD20/20's colour palette). Sometimes, when I'm feeling really weird, I like to imagine I'm in a world where everything is various colours of MD20/20s. It's like having your retinas repeatedly punched by fluorescent lederhosen-wearing bears.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mcshroom on August 05, 2015, 04:15:17 pm
The name makes it sound like a corporate rival to the Raspberry Pi
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Chris S on August 05, 2015, 05:33:15 pm
The name makes it sound like a corporate rival to the Raspberry Pi

 ;D

Harping back to Red Bull, I once went to a friend's party where he was drinking Red Bull & Vodka all night long, and allegedly didn't sleep for three days/nights. It's a smell often encountered on late Saturday night bike rides, when passed by small hairdresser-type cars full of blokes, often accompanied by deep booming bass noises and a jovial call of WAAANKAAAAA!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Feanor on August 05, 2015, 11:00:44 pm
In Southern Africa, the 'Fanta Orange' is still the utterly magnificent hi-viz luminous orange that's not been legal in the EU for 20 years.
And it tastes wonderfully synthetic!

(https://farm1.staticflickr.com/325/20326553435_7b96d1bb63_z.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/wYbUaR)
DSC_2635 (https://flic.kr/p/wYbUaR) by Ron Lowe (https://www.flickr.com/photos/62966413@N04/), on Flickr

And the 'Cream Soda' emits a dull luminous green glow that looks like parts of a nuclear reactor that should never be seen by the naked eye.

(https://farm1.staticflickr.com/328/20138550198_89eea025d7_z.jpg)
 (https://flic.kr/p/wFzkmJ)DSC_2677 (https://flic.kr/p/wFzkmJ) by Ron Lowe (https://www.flickr.com/photos/62966413@N04/), on Flickr

These are the first thing the Juniors want when we arrive in Southern Africa!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on August 05, 2015, 11:05:18 pm
In Southern Africa, the 'Fanta Orange' is still the utterly magnificent hi-viz luminous orange that's not been legal in the EU for 20 years.
And it tastes wonderfully synthetic!

It's good stuff, that.   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: spesh on August 05, 2015, 11:09:22 pm
To the chef who was responsible for preparing my lunch today, plz be making a better job of straining out the bony bits from the fish stock before it goes in the sauce, kthxbai.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 06, 2015, 05:18:08 am
Well, I can only imagine Thunderbird alone contravenes several chemical weapons conventions. Mixing it like that could take out several city blocks.

It certainly took out a few brain cells the night I tried it. That was an interesting party but the morning after was particularly grim. The afternoon wasn't all that great either, from what I recall.

Quote
I think the story goes that E&G Gallo invented Thunderbird as part of a Republican plot to wipe out homeless people. Actually that might have been Wild Irish Rose. They're all better than Cisco Strawberry. I think that was invented to euthanise adult elephants. You know where they got the idea for the sizzling acid blood in Alien? Cisco Strawberry. When the Devil sat down in Hell one day and thought, boy, damning all these souls is thirsty work, if only we had something like Kool-Aid down here, Astaroth outdid himself came up with Cisco Strawberry for him. I think it's available in peach too. I'm pretty sure no fruit was harmed in its manufacture. Even the colour hurts your eyes so I can only imagine that any hangover, if not immediately fatal, is like having a rusty railway spike bashed through your head with an industrial steam hammer.

It reminds me of a peach wine I had at a friend's 18th birthday party when I was - ahem - "18, officer". It tasted wonderful, but it took me the best part of 10 years before I ever saw it again. Needless to say the next time I tasted it I considered it utterly foul. I wonder whether any peaches were harmed in the making of that stuff. At least it didn't strip the back of my throat the way Thunderbird and tequila did.

Quote
You can say whatever you want about my liking for advocaat, but even I have standards. I'm not sure if you can get Cisco Strawberry in the UK. For this we should be thankful.

I have standards now, and the bar is set high enough that no advocaat is allowed anywhere near it. Mixing Thunderbird and tequila was a student method of getting Very Much Drunk with Very Much Cheapness. Adding Kestrel Super Strength just added that extra kick of Drunk.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Legs on August 06, 2015, 09:06:11 am
(https://farm1.staticflickr.com/328/20138550198_89eea025d7_z.jpg)
 (https://flic.kr/p/wFzkmJ)DSC_2677 (https://flic.kr/p/wFzkmJ) by Ron Lowe (https://www.flickr.com/photos/62966413@N04/), on Flickr
That looks like tarhun, which is would be No. 1 on Adam Hart-Davis' never-made series What the Former Soviet Union Did For Us.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 06, 2015, 09:42:31 am
Isn't Fanta Nazi cola? Made during the war when the huggable corporate bunnies at Coca Cola HQ finally had to stop sending everyone's favourite genocidal warmongers their duskily hued soft drink. I'm not sure where all the oranges came from in WW2 Germany. Certainly not Jaffa. There seems to a common European thing now for orange-flavoured cola which is just nasty like they put soil in homeopathically diluted orange juice. Mind you, any liking for cola drinks is something I find elusive.

The Chinese seem to love odd coloured Fantas too. Odd coloured anything. I'm not sure about all those additives, kids seem a lot dumber these days, so I reckon excesses of E110 made me what I am. I quite fancy some Tarhun, which I've never tried. Mind you I made that mistake with Unicum which is definitely a case of spit rather than swallow.

Oh yes, back onto the solids: fish. I'm not big on piscine menu items. I can't eat sushi or sashimi, the sensation of raw fish in my mouth just makes me wriggle and gag. I don't get it. Raw meat in general. And fish is a bit smelly. Yes, yes, someone will say but if it's fresh it doesn't smell. But it's not unless you're bloody Rick Stein or have a great big bloody trawler parked outside, it's not fresh and it is fishy.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on August 06, 2015, 10:54:28 am
Oh yes, back onto the solids: fish. I'm not big on piscine menu items. I can't eat sushi or sashimi, the sensation of raw fish in my mouth just makes me wriggle and gag. I don't get it. Raw meat in general. And fish is a bit smelly. Yes, yes, someone will say but if it's fresh it doesn't smell. But it's not unless you're bloody Rick Stein or have a great big bloody trawler parked outside, it's not fresh and it is fishy.

So, no fresh raw herring and diced onion inna bun purchased from C.M.O.T van Dibbler on an Amsterdam Street Corner for you then?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: spesh on August 06, 2015, 11:06:46 am
Oh yes, back onto the solids: fish. I'm not big on piscine menu items. I can't eat sushi or sashimi, the sensation of raw fish in my mouth just makes me wriggle and gag. I don't get it. Raw meat in general. And fish is a bit smelly. Yes, yes, someone will say but if it's fresh it doesn't smell. But it's not unless you're bloody Rick Stein or have a great big bloody trawler parked outside, it's not fresh and it is fishy.

So, no fresh raw herring and diced onion inna bun purchased from C.M.O.T van Dibbler on an Amsterdam Street Corner for you then?

And hákarl onna stick from C.M.O.T. Dibblersson would be right out as well. :demon:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 06, 2015, 11:22:31 am
I'm sure I had some of that green stuff as a small Mr Larrington in Hong Kong :sick:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 06, 2015, 06:57:31 pm
Raw herring? What are you people, mental or something? OK, I had to eat raw herring once and didn't precisely die, but I think I might have come close to having a facial convulsion. I was made to eat it by Chef Erik. I have no idea who Chef Erik is, but I'm told he's a celebrity in Sweden. All I know about Sweden is Volvos, Abba, and Ikea. Oh and my wife's former colleague Karl, who despite being 76, still cross-country skis or cycles (depending on sea) 26 miles each way to work, and yet retains the stamina to impregnate women half his age. I'm not-tonight-Josephine after popping to the corner shop for a KitKat. Don't knock it, there's steps involved.

Anyway, I'm a bit scared when the chef comes watch me eat. You like?, he says, and it's like a culinary polygraph. You know that bit in Bladerunner where they're doing the replicant test? He's looking for the giveaway facial tick. What if I don't? This is a man with a kitchen full of sharp, murdery implements and a eggshell-fragile ego.

So, of course I ate the damn pickled herring.

But ordinarily I'm minded that fish should, as the good Lord intended, come in cans. I'll do pretty much anything for a tin of red salmon. Not the pink stuff, I have exquisite tastes. Days when my mum would reach for the tin of John West red salmon were the happiest of my childhood. Trust me, if you'd tasted her cooking, any day that promised a meal that came ready-to-eat out of a tin was a good one.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on August 06, 2015, 08:58:25 pm
Pickled isn't raw....
I'd rather have that than the smoked eel again.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on August 06, 2015, 09:26:17 pm
Raw herring? What are you people, mental or something? OK, I had to eat raw herring once and didn't precisely die, but I think I might have come close to having a facial convulsion. I was made to eat it by Chef Erik. I have no idea who Chef Erik is, but I'm told he's a celebrity in Sweden.

(https://notanotherfrozenshouldersurgeryblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/swedish-chef.jpg)

I didn't realise he did fish as well as chicken.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on August 06, 2015, 10:14:06 pm
Pickled isn't raw....
I'd rather have that than the smoked eel again.

I like smoked eel very much. Tricky to find though - at least without needing a second mortgage.

I like pickled herring too.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: spesh on August 06, 2015, 10:25:57 pm
Raw herring? What are you people, mental or something? OK, I had to eat raw herring once and didn't precisely die, but I think I might have come close to having a facial convulsion. I was made to eat it by Chef Erik. I have no idea who Chef Erik is, but I'm told he's a celebrity in Sweden.

(https://notanotherfrozenshouldersurgeryblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/swedish-chef.jpg)

I didn't realise he did fish as well as chicken.

Fishie Chowder: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svxiWwF-fyk

Pöpcørn Shrimp: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7UmUX68KtE
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 07, 2015, 04:32:08 am
The Chinese seem to love odd coloured Fantas too. Odd coloured anything. I'm not sure about all those additives, kids seem a lot dumber these days, so I reckon excesses of E110 made me what I am. I quite fancy some Tarhun, which I've never tried. Mind you I made that mistake with Unicum which is definitely a case of spit rather than swallow.

Here in USAnia you can get all sorts of grape drinks that are a lurid shade of purple that looks like it should be in a biology lab somewhere and that don't taste anything like grape. At least that's what I thought until I ate some Real Grapes here, and found to my amazement that they taste remarkably like the lurid purple grape drinks.

Quote
Oh yes, back onto the solids: fish. I'm not big on piscine menu items. I can't eat sushi or sashimi, the sensation of raw fish in my mouth just makes me wriggle and gag. I don't get it. Raw meat in general. And fish is a bit smelly. Yes, yes, someone will say but if it's fresh it doesn't smell. But it's not unless you're bloody Rick Stein or have a great big bloody trawler parked outside, it's not fresh and it is fishy.

Fish is kind of supposed to smell like fish. If it didn't smell like fish I'd wonder what was wrong with it. Admittedly the sort of thing that "smells like fish" in the same way that cat farts "smell like fish" is probably best avoided. You'd love octopus sushi - you get the raw fish sensation while also knowing you're eating a slice of tentacle. My wife can't even stand the thought of eating octopus. One time in a Korean restaurant I ordered an octopus dish, and it showed up as basically a load of 2" lengths of tentacle. I loved it, but apparently the mere sight of it made her feel ill. Which was a shame, because it meant we never went back to that restaurant.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 07, 2015, 10:46:34 am
No octopus here. I don't eat things with tentacles, antennae, or other sticky out bits that don't qualify as limbs. And preferably no more than four. As a regular traveller to China and Japan, I'm often assaulted by my dinner. I once ate a sea cucumber. That is not a cucumber. OK, I'll eat a carefully dismembered crustacean (never, never barnacles, that was a one time gig I've no wish to repeat).

Fish, in general, should come in a finger format.

Ah, the concord grape. It's basically a sweet.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 07, 2015, 10:50:15 am
Raw herring? What are you people, mental or something? OK, I had to eat raw herring once and didn't precisely die, but I think I might have come close to having a facial convulsion. I was made to eat it by Chef Erik. I have no idea who Chef Erik is, but I'm told he's a celebrity in Sweden.

(https://notanotherfrozenshouldersurgeryblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/swedish-chef.jpg)

I didn't realise he did fish as well as chicken.

And there I am, at a formal business dinner, wearing my most sensible face, being introduced to the chef of one Stockholm's most famous dining establishment. And that's the very image that won't leave my brain.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 07, 2015, 10:53:52 am
Pickled isn't raw....
I'd rather have that than the smoked eel again.

Smoked eel is teh Aces though should ideally be served with a glass of schnapps "to clean one's fingers".

Pickled anything is deeply suspect.  If a foodstuff wants to go off, let it, and throw it away or feed it to the staff/poor children/pigs.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 07, 2015, 11:03:30 am
And pickling isn't cooking. Leaving a dead thing in a vat of acid isn't cooking. It's a way of disposing of the evidence.

There is actually no upper limit on the number of pickled cucumbers and gherkins I can eat in one session.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 07, 2015, 11:17:12 am
And pickling isn't cooking. Leaving a dead thing in a vat of acid isn't cooking. It's a way of disposing of the evidence.

(Sings)

I should have listened to Pop Tart Mark
And had the head dissolved in acid by a Belgian clean up team

(Bows to audience, splits trousis)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on August 07, 2015, 12:30:57 pm
And pickling isn't cooking. Leaving a dead thing in a vat of acid isn't cooking. It's a way of disposing of the evidence.

There is actually no upper limit on the number of pickled cucumbers and gherkins I can eat in one session.
When I was a small, my mum once found me sitting on the kitchen floor with a spoon and a jar of pickled onions, steadily eating my way through them.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CrinklyLion on August 07, 2015, 12:45:54 pm
There was no apparent limit on the amount of Great Granny Isobel's homemade pickled beetroot (homegrown by Great Grandad Bill) that I would eat if left to my own devices as a small child.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on August 07, 2015, 03:10:16 pm
Beetroot  :sick:

That is all.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on August 07, 2015, 03:26:49 pm
Dear Wetherspoons (The Catherine Wheel, Henley). Your Philadelphia Cheesesteak inna bun was very nice BUT the menus said 'with Monterey Jack Cheese'.

Now, correct me if I am wrong but, Monterey Jack Cheese looks like this (http://www.finecooking.com/item/5526/monterey-jack). If it looks like this (http://www.roundeyesupply.com/Bay-Valley-Saucemaker-Monterey-Jack-Cheese-Sauce-p/de519930.htm), shirley it is sauce?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 07, 2015, 04:00:58 pm
Having given it some thought, I can probably eat all the pickled vegetables in the world. Beetroot are purple loveliness in the jar, red cabbage, pickled onions, you name it. Pickled animal or fish parts, no, that's back into evidence disposal. I also flagrantly disregard the 'use within 5 days' warnings. I believe in living on the edge and intestinal parkour.

Now Mr Fuzzy, to your your issue.

A proper Philly cheesesteak will typically have cheese sauce, often the aforementioned Cheez Whiz, so Wetherspoons are being surprisingly authentic. Generally you can also ask for provolone or american, but I'm pretty sure not Monterey Jack, as that's a west coast abomination. In cheesesteak ordering parlance, it's a 'one whiz with' (one cheesesteak with Cheez Whiz and fried onions). You could go for a 'one american with' which would net you American cheese (so bland it's utterly fantastic) with fried onions. 'One Monterey Jack with' would probably just get you thrown out.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on August 07, 2015, 04:08:38 pm
There was no apparent limit on the amount of Great Granny Isobel's homemade pickled beetroot (homegrown by Great Grandad Bill) that I would eat if left to my own devices as a small child.
Eating beetroot as an adult makes your bloody pee look normal.

Yes really. I thought it was beetroot. Apparently no it was not.  ::-) :-[
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 09, 2015, 04:38:15 am
Having given it some thought, I can probably eat all the pickled vegetables in the world. Beetroot are purple loveliness in the jar, red cabbage, pickled onions, you name it. Pickled animal or fish parts, no, that's back into evidence disposal. I also flagrantly disregard the 'use within 5 days' warnings. I believe in living on the edge and intestinal parkour.

Pickled onions are good. Pickled onions loaded with black peppercorns and hot peppers are really good. My wife usually declines to kiss me for a while after eating them, which seems like it's the only downside to an otherwise awesome product.

Can't argue with the abomination that is pickling animal or fish parts. Almost as disgusting as advocaat. Maybe advocaat is a blend of fish that decomposed in vinegar and the contents of the zits on a thousand teenagers' faces.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 09, 2015, 11:41:46 am
I beg to differ; I do enjoy Dutch/Swedish/Danish pickled herring.
They are part of my heritage/growing up.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Andrij on August 09, 2015, 12:02:11 pm
Pickled herring, gherkin, rye bread and vodka.  YUMMY!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on August 09, 2015, 12:21:43 pm
Pickled herring, gherkin, rye bread and vodka.  YUMMY!
Yes.
The only weird thing is that given none of it contains any MSG, once you start, it is hard to stop.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 10, 2015, 09:42:08 am
I'm pretty sure my growing up process didn't involve any kind of fish that wasn't wearing some variety of hi-vis overcoat or didn't require deployment of a tin opener.

Actually, I tell a big lie, there was the boil-in-bag fish fillets with parsley sauce. Until I was about fifteen, Captain Birdseye was pretty much the only deity in my pantheon who pulled my eyes skyward.

To this day, I demand someone takes the skin off, I've never understood that. Are you supposed it eat it? If not, why it's still there? I hate having it piled up there in the corner of my plate like my dinner has untidily undressed. I think the next time it happens I just ball it up in a napkin and have the waiter take it back to the kitchen. If the chef likes it so much, he can have it back.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 18, 2015, 09:41:36 pm
After a long weekend in NYC, I'm disappointed to report that all my food was served on plates. Nothing came to me astride a piece of slate, a discarded licence plate, hub cap, or manhole cover.

I also disgusted my wife by eating pancakes with eggs, sausage, and Canadian 'bacon' in a sea of maple syrup and butter. I also ate fried chicken on a huge belgian waffle (with spicy aioli and maple syrup) while working my way through the bar's extensive list of craft beer. She believes the the combination of meat and sweet is fundamentally wrong and may result in the collapse of the universe. I say bring on the galactic crunch.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on August 18, 2015, 09:54:45 pm
After a long weekend in NYC, I'm disappointed to report that all my food was served on plates. Nothing came to me astride a piece of slate, a discarded licence plate, hub cap, or manhole cover.

I also disgusted my wife by eating pancakes with eggs, sausage, and Canadian 'bacon' in a sea of maple syrup and butter. I also ate fried chicken on a huge belgian waffle (with spicy aioli and maple syrup) while working my way through the bar's extensive list of craft beer. She believes the the combination of meat and sweet is fundamentally wrong and may result in the collapse of the universe. I say bring on the galactic crunch.

Ian, what are you on?  :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 19, 2015, 12:37:38 am
Maple syrup would be my guess.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on August 19, 2015, 12:53:08 am
I am never trying to arrange thirdparty catering for 350 bisexuals 50+ of whom had complex food needs EVER EVER THE FUCK EVER AGAIN!

(The caterer subcontracted to our venue (who they have to use and we had to have to use venue) decided not to read page 2 of our dietary requirements specs which we'd spent HOURS OF WORK wrangling)...  We had about 50 minutes notice of this fail when their lovely contact checked our diet needs and we said "this is only 20% of it"... 

We managed to mostly fix it with "basic" food for veganish gluten freeish and anyone else with only a 15-20 minute delay on food but I really didn't appreciate the stress and the blame. Fucking university fucking caterers.  When we are less cross we will RANT at them in formal proper manner.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 19, 2015, 01:00:14 am
Maple syrup would be my guess.

ETA: I'm not actually that keen on maple syrup.  Will I still be allowed into Canada if they find out?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 19, 2015, 09:30:59 am
It's like a CV, Barakta. If it's not on the first page, and preferably in the first couple of paragraphs, no one's going to read it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 19, 2015, 11:21:28 am
Definitely still coming down from the maple syrup high. I have to do the pancakes thing. I grew up in a locked culinary closet where fish fingers were impossibly exotic and Captain Birdseye strode like a giant between the local hills of mine spoil. I didn't even try pasta until I got to university (I could have probably waited on that, university refectory pasta not being exactly al dente to anyone who has more in their mouths than limply applauding gums). So when I first washed up on American shores, in tow of my US girlfriend who had finally tired of the task of trying to tunnel into the accents of my Stirlingshire flatmates and extract any nuggets of comprehension (possibly not worth the effort, they were mostly creatures of 80/- and burping) and found her way back home to the comforts of mom, pop, and kosher apple pie. Anyway, I remember sitting in a diner in upstate NY when she ordered pancakes with eggs and bacon. Once I'd spent an hour or two explaining my thoughts on the nature of bacon and that's-not-bacon-as-we-know-it (bonus points for guessing the half-life of that relationship), I remember the spike of horror that was driven through my soul when she tipped a Niagara Falls of maple syrup over it. Nothing in my life had prepared me for such a thing. My stomach roiled and rolled like a supertanker churned ocean as she shoveled syrupy pancakes and sunny yolked bacon into her mouth. So, so wrong. More so because I don't have some weird-watching-women-chew fetish. Like Stirling accents were to her, the combination of maple syrup, pancake (more cake than pan) was far beyond the pale of my comprehension.

And then the glistening fork was proffered to me. Have a taste, she hissed, in what must be some kind of payback for the entire Garden of Eden thing. I was caught between making a break for the Canadian border or opening wide to receive the golden cargo. Given that she was a girl and I was a boy, and that the lowering of the drawbridge to sexual favours is mostly lubricated by the oils of male acquiescence, I chomped down.

And oh my, what culinary alchemy rolled over my tongue like a happy sumo of flavour. To this day, I have stuff my face with pancakes whenever I'm in the US. I once ate so many in LA that I genuinely thought I was on the teetering end of the final trimester of delivering an entire buttermilk pancake baby.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on August 19, 2015, 01:01:49 pm
It's like a CV, Barakta. If it's not on the first page, and preferably in the first couple of paragraphs, no one's going to read it.

The only way you can sum up the catering requirements for BiCon in a couple of paragraphs is:  "Don't do it.  Don't even think about it.  The only way to win is not to play."
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 19, 2015, 01:40:01 pm
I can't help hearing/reading 'BiCon' without adding a mental '-ur'.  ;D

Ob food rant: Someone* left a large jar of Dolmio 'lasagne sauce' in the fridge and I have been tricked into eating some. It really is foul stuff.

*It was Mrs Cudzo. She claims to even like the stuff. It's the obstinate Polish streak breaking out.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on August 19, 2015, 11:13:37 pm
It's like a CV, Barakta. If it's not on the first page, and preferably in the first couple of paragraphs, no one's going to read it.

We kept telling them we have loads of awkward diet people and were PROMISED it wouldn't be a problem. It wouldn't have been a problem IF the fucking caterer had read the full spec.  I really do want some kind of financial recompense FROM the caterer for that cos Friday was just fuckup central.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 20, 2015, 03:07:01 am
After a long weekend in NYC, I'm disappointed to report that all my food was served on plates. Nothing came to me astride a piece of slate, a discarded licence plate, hub cap, or manhole cover.

I also disgusted my wife by eating pancakes with eggs, sausage, and Canadian 'bacon' in a sea of maple syrup and butter. I also ate fried chicken on a huge belgian waffle (with spicy aioli and maple syrup) while working my way through the bar's extensive list of craft beer. She believes the the combination of meat and sweet is fundamentally wrong and may result in the collapse of the universe. I say bring on the galactic crunch.

Your wife clearly knows nothing about food. That is all.

Actually that isn't all. She should be forced to eat sausage and bacon with stacked blueberry muffins drowned in a vat of maple syrup (the stuff that comes from maple trees, not the garbage that's little more than high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners and artificial flavourings) until she disowns such a heretical stance.

I guess you managed to avoid foods with names that end in "on a stick". Gary Larson did a cartoon of early business failures, featuring "porcupine on a stick".
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 20, 2015, 03:08:05 am
Maple syrup would be my guess.

ETA: I'm not actually that keen on maple syrup.  Will I still be allowed into Canada if they find out?

I wouldn't try it. People have been shot for less, although that might have been in Alabama.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 20, 2015, 03:10:09 am

Speaking of maple syrup I recently attended a farm festival where people were selling a range of craft foody type products. I'd gone to visit a friend who makes stupidly hot pepper sauces (which are hugely tasty, loaded with capsaicin, and prone to turn the teenagers trying to prove they are tough in front of their girlfriends into sobbing wrecks, which can be fun to watch)

We met a couple who make maple syrup the traditional way, and bought some maple syrup, maple spread and maple sugar. I shudder to think what it would do to my blood sugar level if I were to eat even half of that lot. I'm not diabetic but suspect I might appear to be after that lot.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 20, 2015, 10:52:14 am
Oddly, one of the first things that happened to me when I arrived in Canada was a trip to a maple syrup farm, possibly to establish for the stupid and misplaced Englishman that it doesn't come out of sugary cows. After that we climbed Mount Canadian stereotype for a game of ice hockey. But yes, maple syrup should be squeezed out of maple trees by burly, plaid shirted Eh-Eh-Ehing Canadians. At a pinch I'll accept Vermonters who are effectively sneaking out of the US when no one is looking (if I remember, there's a on town on the border with a theatre where you can actually enter in the US and watch the show in Canada).

Faux maple syrup is a crime in any jurisdiction and one I will not abide. Fortunately I know my NYC diners and thus minimize the risk of 'Canadian-style maple flavored syrup'. The further south you sink, the riskier the proposition gets. In California, for some reason, I once ended up with agave syrup which wasn't as bad as it sounded. It could have been worse, it might have been avocado syrup.

I've experienced food on sticks. I don't think there's anything in the mid-west that they can't deliver deep-fried on a stick, and I won't say anything bad about the mighty corn dog. Someone once tried to serve me fried clams on a stick. I don't like shellfish at the best of times and they're one of the few things that even immersion in a deep vat of hot oil can't improve. I once attended an American football game that lasted what felt like eighteen long weeks and I only survived through eating eight corn dogs and stetson size helping of nachos. My great American novel will be based on this epic struggle for survival.

Reminds me, cafes in the UK that put random cheap brown sauce in the HP bottles because it must save like, oh, pence. Stop it.

Right, I'm off to Paris. There's bound to be a rant in that. I can feel those Parisian waiters bristling already. Poor schoolboy French locked and loaded. It's the only way to neutralize those surly waiters.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 20, 2015, 11:40:25 am
It's like a CV, Barakta. If it's not on the first page, and preferably in the first couple of paragraphs, no one's going to read it.

We kept telling them we have loads of awkward diet people and were PROMISED it wouldn't be a problem. It wouldn't have been a problem IF the fucking caterer had read the full spec.  I really do want some kind of financial recompense FROM the caterer for that cos Friday was just fuckup central.
I wonder if they read it all? Clearly, they shouldn't have said they'd do it if they hadn't checked the whole thing. I'm only thinking from their point of view why they didn't read it and how next year's caterers could be encouraged to do so.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Gareth Rees on August 20, 2015, 11:50:13 am
To this day, I demand someone takes the skin off, I've never understood that. Are you supposed it eat it?

Yes, if it's properly cooked. There's a delicious layer of fat just under the skin, and this becomes crispy if fried, and takes on the flavour of whatever delicious things the fish was cooked in. Fry the fish with finely chopped hazelnuts and crushed garlic, or steam it with ginger and spring onion, or coat it with tamarind and chillies and deep-fry it, and the skin is the best bit.

If the skin is limp, tastes of nothing, or still has lots of scales, then don't eat it. But I wouldn't go back to a restaurant that served fish like this: they clearly don't know what they are doing.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on August 20, 2015, 01:04:23 pm
Proper maple syrup is quite alcoholic too.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on August 20, 2015, 02:46:28 pm
Proper maple syrup is quite alcoholic too.
um - no it isn't.

I've helped make it. Get the buckets of sap from the trees. Pour into large shallow tray and heat for hours, to reduce the sap to syrup.

Trust me, no alcohol in it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on August 20, 2015, 03:17:58 pm
I've experienced food on sticks. I don't think there's anything in the mid-west that they can't deliver deep-fried on a stick, and I won't say anything bad about the mighty corn dog.

There was an article on the BBC website about food on a stick a couple of day ago..

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-33943760

Deep fried butter on a stick anyone   :sick:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: campagman on August 20, 2015, 08:33:53 pm
I bought some raw milk today from the local farmers market. With all the hoo-hay lately about dairy farmers not making a living and the general public seeming sympathetic, I thought why don't people just go along to there local dairy farm and ask to buy raw milk. Cut out the middle man. It doesn't last so long but it does freeze.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Gareth Rees on August 20, 2015, 08:47:55 pm
Why don't people just go along to their local dairy farm and ask to buy raw milk?

Tuberculosis.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 21, 2015, 01:33:50 am
Oddly, one of the first things that happened to me when I arrived in Canada was a trip to a maple syrup farm, possibly to establish for the stupid and misplaced Englishman that it doesn't come out of sugary cows. After that we climbed Mount Canadian stereotype for a game of ice hockey. But yes, maple syrup should be squeezed out of maple trees by burly, plaid shirted Eh-Eh-Ehing Canadians. At a pinch I'll accept Vermonters who are effectively sneaking out of the US when no one is looking (if I remember, there's a on town on the border with a theatre where you can actually enter in the US and watch the show in Canada).

That could be fun for the immigration folks. I wonder why there isn't a corresponding theatre on the south border, where you can enter in Mexico and watch the show in Texas....

Quote
Faux maple syrup is a crime in any jurisdiction and one I will not abide. Fortunately I know my NYC diners and thus minimize the risk of 'Canadian-style maple flavored syrup'. The further south you sink, the riskier the proposition gets. In California, for some reason, I once ended up with agave syrup which wasn't as bad as it sounded.

I was alerted to the way not all "maple syrup" has been anywhere near a maple tree when I stopped overnight with some friends just outside of Philadelphia a few years ago. In the morning they served an enormous plateful of waffles and pancakes and other American breakfasty stuff, which they smothered with syrup from a bottle. It was only after I had poured it over my own pancakes that I realised the word "flavored" was tucked between "maple" and "syrup" in a nice small font. Sure enough, the ingredients read something like "corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, aspartame, saccharine, acesulfame, artificial flavorings". So nothing that came out of a tree there.

Quote
It could have been worse, it might have been avocado syrup.

Never mind avocado, it could have been advocaat :P

Quote
Reminds me, cafes in the UK that put random cheap brown sauce in the HP bottles because it must save like, oh, pence. Stop it.

It's amazing what places will do to save a trivial sum of money when the end result is that you feel like they've cheaped out on you. When I think how cheap potatoes are it's amazing how many times you get a tiny portion of chips. The times I've had my meal come out and could barely lift the plate because of the weight of the chips, my first thought was what a good size portion they served. The extra couple of potatoes must have cost at least 20p, which doesn't seem like so much if I've paid 15 quid for a meal. Giving me six chips stacked with three on top of three might look poncey but gives me the impression you're just ripping me off and expecting me to admire the process.

Quote
Right, I'm off to Paris. There's bound to be a rant in that. I can feel those Parisian waiters bristling already. Poor schoolboy French locked and loaded. It's the only way to neutralize those surly waiters.

That could be fun. The last time I was in Paris I tried to use my pidgeon French and ended up ordering a steak tartare. That was an interesting experience, although once the waiter had stopped laughing he was willing to take it away and cook it. It came back rather like a spicy hamburger. For a while I almost thought I was back in Americaland, except that it wasn't smothered in banana peppers and the curious not-cheese-cheese-product.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 21, 2015, 01:34:44 am
Why don't people just go along to their local dairy farm and ask to buy raw milk?

Tuberculosis.

As long as you enunciate clearly you should be fine.

If you ask "can I have a pint of milk please" that should be understood. If you mumble and they think you said "can I have some tuberculosis please" you could have problems.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 21, 2015, 09:42:25 am
Giving me six chips stacked with three on top of three might look poncey but gives me the impression you're just ripping me off and expecting me to admire the process.
You mean there are times when food might look poncey without giving you the impression you're being ripped off?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on August 21, 2015, 09:46:10 am
Why don't people just go along to their local dairy farm and ask to buy raw milk?

Tuberculosis.
Actually, the main reason is that few farmers are allowed to sell it. 'Green top' milk was not pasteurized and farmers had to be subject to rigorous testing regimes in order to be licensed to sell it. Dunno anywhere here that offers it.
When I lived in Holmfirth we had a milkperson who delivered direct from the farm. Really fresh greentop, fantastic stuff.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on August 21, 2015, 12:14:54 pm
And the testing of which you speak would include for Tuberculosis. It's (Tubercular meningitis, most likely from drinking unpasteurised milk) what killed my sister in the late 1940's.

https://www.food.gov.uk/business-industry/farmingfood/dairy-guidance/rawmilkcream
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Gareth Rees on August 21, 2015, 01:33:09 pm
I'll fill in the steps in the argument, just in case:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on August 21, 2015, 01:50:43 pm
Greggs not knowing how to make a proper London Cheesecake. Wank off you silly baking bastards- we need frangipane!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 23, 2015, 04:34:13 am
Giving me six chips stacked with three on top of three might look poncey but gives me the impression you're just ripping me off and expecting me to admire the process.
You mean there are times when food might look poncey without giving you the impression you're being ripped off?

In some settings I can see that looking poncey and being expensive might not necessarily mean being ripped off. Although in fairness chips are unlikely to feature on such a menu.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 23, 2015, 04:36:01 am
Why don't people just go along to their local dairy farm and ask to buy raw milk?

Tuberculosis.
Actually, the main reason is that few farmers are allowed to sell it. 'Green top' milk was not pasteurized and farmers had to be subject to rigorous testing regimes in order to be licensed to sell it. Dunno anywhere here that offers it.
When I lived in Holmfirth we had a milkperson who delivered direct from the farm. Really fresh greentop, fantastic stuff.

I remember as a teenager (with zits full of the stuff used to make advocaat) we used to get raw milk from our milkman. It came in a carton much like any other milk, except the carton said "raw unpasteurised milk" rather than "pasteurised milk".

From what I recall it tasted much the same as regular milk.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 23, 2015, 01:22:06 pm
Much of the Kosher milk of my childhood was green top unpasteurised; fine if fresh and not very different from silver top unhomogenised pasteurised but  :sick: if stale and sour.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 23, 2015, 06:43:10 pm
To this day, I demand someone takes the skin off, I've never understood that. Are you supposed it eat it?

Yes, if it's properly cooked. There's a delicious layer of fat just under the skin, and this becomes crispy if fried, and takes on the flavour of whatever delicious things the fish was cooked in. Fry the fish with finely chopped hazelnuts and crushed garlic, or steam it with ginger and spring onion, or coat it with tamarind and chillies and deep-fry it, and the skin is the best bit.

If the skin is limp, tastes of nothing, or still has lots of scales, then don't eat it. But I wouldn't go back to a restaurant that served fish like this: they clearly don't know what they are doing.

I'm writing off fish in general, it's pretty much reached its culinary epitome when breaded and divided into neat fingers. I can manage battered fish, though it tends to be a bit of a faff and I reach my grease quota about halfway through the average battered haddock and my insides start to feel like an oil-slicked seagull looks. There is no actual limit to the amount of tuna or salmon from a tin I can eat though. Me and the cats could empty the oceans if they could squeeze out enough cans of the stuff. Fresh tuna makes me angry because chefs always insist on leaving it raw in the middle. My thoughts on sushi and sashimi ought to be well-known by now.

Fresh fish, mostly always overrated. You must try the seabass someone will demand. It's tastes like the colour white might taste. Now maybe you can concoct some kind of sauce, but if so, tip it over something useful that doesn't cost £5 a mouthful.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 24, 2015, 10:11:32 am
Mrs Cudzo grew up drinking unpasteurised milk from the household cow, as was the norm in that place and time. More relevantly, her cousin's family, who run a proper, shiny, commercial dairy farm, with proper, shiny milking parlour and a contract to sell all the milk to a big cheese (literally!), also drink unpasteurised milk. I guess knowing the individual cow it came from reduces the risk of disease.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on August 24, 2015, 01:38:48 pm
I guess knowing the individual cow it came from reduces the risk of disease.

Since tubercular cows look much like other cows I seriously doubt that.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 24, 2015, 03:16:06 pm
Ok, I know nothing about cows and their keeping. I presume they get tuberculosis from each other (there aren't any badgers out there!) but if you only have one cow, you only have one; and if you have a commercial herd, presumably they're tested regularly.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 24, 2015, 07:29:09 pm
Unpasteurised milk. Jeez, what next? A smallpox revival? I don't drink milk unless it's been zapped, filtered, and irradiated into something that wouldn’t even recognise actual milk from a cow. I remember full fat milk as a child. It used to make me heave. The best thing Thatcher ever did was get rid of those little bottles of milk at our school, they'd sit there half the day, the cream steadily congealing into a trampoline of fat, and then we had to drink it, trying to recover some milk from the bottle through a process akin to fracking with a straw, desperate not to choke on a clot of lard from the top. I remember when David 'Donkey' Derbyshire went full on vomit after a bottle that had sat there sweltering for a good five hours of summer day whereupon he simultaneously ejaculated two jets of milk out of his nostrils, followed by his entire school dinner. At no point, did his mouth open, everything had to exit through the narrower streets of his nose. He started firing peas and carrots like a nasal Gatling gun before ending in a terminal snuffle of mashed potato and chewed up sausage that made it look like his brains were oozing out of his head (the only giveaway was that Donkey never had that much brains). You can't possibly know how traumatic that was to our young minds. I don't think our teacher ever returned to teaching.

France was a bit of a let down, all said, the big league surly waiters are evidently on their holidays. There was an burst of optimism on the first night when some foul gallic harridan desoléd us because we had sat in the ‘diners only’ section for our boisson before gesturing to a space that omitted spare seats and tables. I wouldn’t have minded but we were already surrounded by non-mange-ing boissonaires extraordinaires, or the fact that at nine euros for a puny europint, eating was probably cheaper. We just pulled a face and she went and hid in a cupboard. She might still be there.

Fab cheeseburger though. Note that London restaurants, a point means just that, not cooked in the heart of a star for an eternity.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 24, 2015, 11:28:26 pm
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on August 25, 2015, 12:00:46 am
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?

I quite liked it, but I only got about a year and a half of it.

I had to explain "milk monitors" to barakta recently.  She's the same age as me, but missed out on many of the subtitles of the early years.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 25, 2015, 12:07:24 am
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?

No.  No, you are not.  'twas veritable nectar compared with the alternative beverages available at my skool viz. piss-weak orange squash, a lemon squash/citric acid combination that doubled as paint stripper and tea that had been made shortly after Willoughby-Smith Minor and Twistington-Higgins went off to the Great War.  We only had it as junior ticks so I don't know how long supplies continued after 1975.

They should have supplied Small BEER instead, though.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 25, 2015, 12:08:46 am
We, being older, had our ⅓ pint right through primary school.
My sister (17 months my junior) is probably lactose intolerant and hated school milk.
I loved my milk!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 25, 2015, 12:21:23 am
As a very young Mr Larrington we had the choice between milk and cocoa, but you had to decide which you wanted at the start of term.  And being a BFES skool the cocoa was left over from the Boer War.  As, indeed, was the food.

Except the pickled beetroot, which was locally sourced, foul, and on the plate Every.  Fucking.  Day >:(  I think it was the natives' revenge for the bombing of Dresden.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 25, 2015, 05:18:44 am
To this day, I demand someone takes the skin off, I've never understood that. Are you supposed it eat it?

Yes, if it's properly cooked. There's a delicious layer of fat just under the skin, and this becomes crispy if fried, and takes on the flavour of whatever delicious things the fish was cooked in. Fry the fish with finely chopped hazelnuts and crushed garlic, or steam it with ginger and spring onion, or coat it with tamarind and chillies and deep-fry it, and the skin is the best bit.

If the skin is limp, tastes of nothing, or still has lots of scales, then don't eat it. But I wouldn't go back to a restaurant that served fish like this: they clearly don't know what they are doing.

I'm writing off fish in general, it's pretty much reached its culinary epitome when breaded and divided into neat fingers. I can manage battered fish, though it tends to be a bit of a faff and I reach my grease quota about halfway through the average battered haddock and my insides start to feel like an oil-slicked seagull looks. There is no actual limit to the amount of tuna or salmon from a tin I can eat though. Me and the cats could empty the oceans if they could squeeze out enough cans of the stuff. Fresh tuna makes me angry because chefs always insist on leaving it raw in the middle. My thoughts on sushi and sashimi ought to be well-known by now.

Tuna needs to be seared on the outside and raw on the inside. People who don't understand this simple fact really didn't ought to be writing food rants :P

Quote
Fresh fish, mostly always overrated. You must try the seabass someone will demand. It's tastes like the colour white might taste. Now maybe you can concoct some kind of sauce, but if so, tip it over something useful that doesn't cost £5 a mouthful.

I must admit I was rather disappointed with the "delicate" taste of sea bass. It seemed "delicate" in taste in the same way that eating a maruga scorpion pepper might be described as "indelicate". And the resulting depositions into the porcelain god the following morning might also be described as "indelicate".

For the record, I ate a very small amount of a maruga scorpion pepper. Touching the cut surface to my tongue was moderately intense, and chewing tiny bites of the flesh was very intense. It's not something I would recommend to anyone who isn't already something of a chilehead.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 25, 2015, 05:21:33 am
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?

I remember numerous tricks to try and get hold of a second unusually sized bottle. One third of a pint was a bottle size I've never seen anywhere since then. Even the weird USA liquor bottles don't seem to include that particular size.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on August 25, 2015, 09:13:47 am
Unpasteurised milk. Jeez, what next? A smallpox revival? I don't drink milk unless it's been zapped, filtered, and irradiated into something that wouldn’t even recognise actual milk from a cow. I remember full fat milk as a child. It used to make me heave. The best thing Thatcher ever did was get rid of those little bottles of milk at our school, they'd sit there half the day, the cream steadily congealing into a trampoline of fat, and then we had to drink it, trying to recover some milk from the bottle through a process akin to fracking with a straw, desperate not to choke on a clot of lard from the top. I remember when David 'Donkey' Derbyshire went full on vomit after a bottle that had sat there sweltering for a good five hours of summer day whereupon he simultaneously ejaculated two jets of milk out of his nostrils, followed by his entire school dinner. At no point, did his mouth open, everything had to exit through the narrower streets of his nose. He started firing peas and carrots like a nasal Gatling gun before ending in a terminal snuffle of mashed potato and chewed up sausage that made it look like his brains were oozing out of his head (the only giveaway was that Donkey never had that much brains). You can't possibly know how traumatic that was to our young minds. I don't think our teacher ever returned to teaching.

You forgot to mention that in winter , the bottles would have a good half inch or more of ice in them which is difficult to penetrate with a cheap paper ,yes paper, straw. So milk crates were then placed near the cast iron radiator to allow the ice to melt a little. The resulting mush probably put more kids off drinking milk than any threat of T.B .

I was brought up on  a dairy farm so our milk came straight out of the cooler and was fresh every day.
When I started school and saw milk in bottles, I decided that it wasn't real milk and most days I couldn't bring myself to drink it. I still don't like to drink milk unless it has some flavour in it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 25, 2015, 09:23:57 am
They still have milk in Polish primary schools, along with a piece of fruit – that's probably a newer innovation, but I'm not sure of the volume or at what age they stop. It might even be the whole of primary, which is till 13.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 25, 2015, 09:47:26 am
We upgraded from the milk (universally unpopular in my class, to this day I can't drink neat milk) to small tetrapaks of ludicrously orange squash. Too orangey for crows, certain. Too orangey for nature. I think it was undiluted tartrazine. I don't recall it tasting of an actual orange. It really was just a colour. Of course, childish fingers and a tetrapak ensured a lot of a orange school children. It was the 1980s version of school kid hi-viz.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 25, 2015, 02:41:51 pm
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?

I remember numerous tricks to try and get hold of a second unusually sized bottle. One third of a pint was a bottle size I've never seen anywhere since then. Even the weird USA liquor bottles don't seem to include that particular size.

⅓ pint is 189ml. Is 200ml that different or difficult?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on August 25, 2015, 08:40:04 pm
Why don't people just go along to their local dairy farm and ask to buy raw milk?

Tuberculosis.
Actually, the main reason is that few farmers are allowed to sell it. 'Green top' milk was not pasteurized and farmers had to be subject to rigorous testing regimes in order to be licensed to sell it. Dunno anywhere here that offers it.
When I lived in Holmfirth we had a milkperson who delivered direct from the farm. Really fresh greentop, fantastic stuff.
We always had green top milk when I lived in Huddersfield. It's much nicer than other milk.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on August 25, 2015, 08:42:11 pm
Restaurants/cafes/brasseries of Paris and Versailles: vegetarians exist and we are willing to exchange money for food. Sort it out.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 25, 2015, 08:45:07 pm
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?

I remember numerous tricks to try and get hold of a second unusually sized bottle. One third of a pint was a bottle size I've never seen anywhere since then. Even the weird USA liquor bottles don't seem to include that particular size.

⅓ pint is 189ml. Is 200ml that different or difficult?
Very different, I'd say. Both ⅓ pint and 200ml are "sensible" sizes or rather sizes sensibly expressed. 189ml or, say, 2/9 pint would not be.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 25, 2015, 09:15:34 pm
In other matters, gluten intolerance, when did that become a lifestyle. Hey everyone, I'm gluten intolerant. Seriously lady, I don't even know your name and already you're telling me which foods might make you fart.

Loads of foods make me fart, some quite extravagantly. The undergarment storms that result from me eating beans are so mighty they are given names and attract grim faced junior reporters from the Weather Channel who would rather had been sent to stand in front of a hurricane with nothing more than a microphone and cheap cagoule. I only announce this on the internet, not to a crowded restaurant like it's an achievement. Just stop it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on August 25, 2015, 09:25:05 pm
In other matters, gluten intolerance, when did that become a lifestyle. Hey everyone, I'm gluten intolerant. Seriously lady, I don't even know your name and already you're telling me which foods might make you fart.

Well, in my brother's case, in about 1980, when one lot of doctors got their fingers out of their collective arse and produced a diagnosis that had evaded others since he was born three years earlier, just about in time to stop my parents killing him because Weetabix was about the only thing that would stay down.

It might not be a lifestyle he'd choose, but it sure as  fuck beats the alternative.

(Ok, ok, coeliac disease is less an intolerance, more an auto-immune thing, but these things aren't just a fad for everyone.)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 25, 2015, 10:02:49 pm
Gluten 'intolerance' is a trendy chattering classes non-issue.
Coeliac disease is horrible but tolerable with a strict gluten-free diet.
It is vaguely useful for coeliacs that the availability of gluten-free food has increased to meet demand from the chatterers.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on August 25, 2015, 11:02:33 pm
Oh, I'm more than aware of the difference between chattering class self-diagnosis and, um, the rest - but it's a little difficult to be certain of those differences across a crowded restaurant.

Not everyone who makes a dietary request is engaged in frivolous self-aggrandisement, and the assumption that they are, so such a request can safely be ignored, has damn near put my wife in hospital several times. (Eggs, not gluten, in her case.)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on August 25, 2015, 11:45:29 pm
Indeed.  I'd suggest that while the chattering classes faddishness is undeniably a thing, what's also happened is that it's become more socially acceptable to have specific dietary requirements, and people who might previously have suffered in silence at home are now feeling they have the right, if not always the ability, to safely eat out.

The problem with invisible disabilities is that you don't usually encounter people's disableist behaviour until you disclose them, and sometimes - perhaps as a result of the chattering fads, but mainly as a result of people in positions of power being arrogant fuckwits - people feel the need to be really emphatic about the magnitude of the problem in order to reduce the likelihood of careless contamination.

I really don't want to talk about poo.  I get more than enough of that in the privacy of the toilet.  But if all that's on the menu is a tomato & onion greaseburger, cooked in the traditional Glaswegian style and served in a toasted sesame[1] seed bun, I'm going to politely refuse.  If polite refusals aren't strong enough (as often they aren't - see drinkohol threads passim), I'll invoke the TMI slink off or pretend not to be hungry, because I've been socialised not to make a fuss.  But that's because I only have postcholecystectomy syndrome, and the worst effect is likely to be an afternoon in the bog wishing I could die.  Coeliac disease is much more serious.


[1] Unrelated allergy.  Not life-threatening, unless I'm already having a bad breathing day.  Probably.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on August 25, 2015, 11:48:15 pm
To be fair sesame would probably result in anaphylaxis for you Kim so that's serious too.

But yes, I agree. Same with lactose. I'm not 100% intolerant, just annoyingly so - it's tedious and boring and makes buying ready cooked/made food very difficult although not as difficult as coeliacs have it.  But I will get TMI guts for 2 days afterwards if I am given regular milk by mistake and I am sure if I drank more than 50ml milk that I'd be iller.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 26, 2015, 12:10:42 am
If barakta wants dairy-free kosher food, choose anything marked 'Parev' or 'Parve', which means neutral.
Orthodox Jews don't eat meat with milk and might not eat anything dairy for several hours after meat. This means they seek foods they can eat after meat meals.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on August 26, 2015, 12:36:05 am
Coeliac disease is much more serious.

For a one-off, no, I don't think it is. Force-feed my brother a sandwich, and he'll have little or no ill-effects from it. Change his diet more permanently, and you've written a different story, but there's certainly no point worrying too hard about crumbs in the butter, albeit they're best avoided as a bit infra-dig.

Same with lactose. I'm not 100% intolerant, just annoyingly so - it's tedious and boring and makes buying ready cooked/made food very difficult although not as difficult as coeliacs have it. 

Not sure that he really finds it that hard to be honest - it's just a matter of finding an appropriate routine, especially now that every supermarket has a FreeFrom section.

No egg/wheat/nut/mushroom/shellfish can be entertaining sometimes though - mostly I just give up and cook from scratch.

people who might previously have suffered in silence at home are now feeling they have the right, if not always the ability, to safely eat out.

That's an interesting point. I guess I've not really considered it too much because, growing up, I was never really aware of us not eating out because of my brother's diet. (In truth, the fact that steak and chips is practically universally available meant that there was always a possible option, even if it was sometimes a tedious one.)

More recently, it's been more obvious where some chefs or restaurants simply don't seem to give a monkey's, while others are quite different - going out to a nice place in Edinburgh for one of my parents' birthdays and booking the tasting menu, we supplied an impressively long list of dietary requirements, to be told "that'll be no problem - the chef believes everyone should be able to enjoy the meal equally."

This included suitable homemade bread that was gluten, wheat and egg-free: sadly subsequent visits (for a more modest menu) have revealed that they've started buying in the gluten-free bread, which now contains egg - fine for my brother, not so for my wife.

Still, steak and chips remains the universal panacea - at least unless you're vegetarian ... or a Parisian waiter insists that they haven't wiped the bearnaise sauce off the plate, and that there's no egg in it anyway.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 26, 2015, 09:42:13 am
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?

I remember numerous tricks to try and get hold of a second unusually sized bottle. One third of a pint was a bottle size I've never seen anywhere since then. Even the weird USA liquor bottles don't seem to include that particular size.

⅓ pint is 189ml. Is 200ml that different or difficult?
Very different, I'd say. Both ⅓ pint and 200ml are "sensible" sizes or rather sizes sensibly expressed. 189ml or, say, 2/9 pint would not be.
OTOH, I've just discovered the minimum regulation size of a cricket ball is 8 13/16 inches. But presumably that was set empirically.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 26, 2015, 09:49:33 am
Allergies, intolerances, special diets and eating out. I guess the problem from the kitchen's pov is their multiplicity and compoundness. As illustrated by jsabine's Edinburgh resto. Yes, we have gluten-free bread. Yes, we can do things without eggs. Oh, but bread that is gluten-free and egg-free and has no sesame? Then add halal etc, it all gets increasingly complicated and probably expensive for increasingly little return (ie fewer people).

Though it would help if staff knew what they had and didn't have. Bakery down the road advertises gluten-free goodies Monday, Friday and Saturday. I went in one Sat morning to get something for a gluten-allergic (or whatever it is) friend, bloke there had to phone the boss at home to find out what they had and where (which turned out to be left over from the previous day  ::-)).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 26, 2015, 10:15:32 am
Well, that was kind of a proxy rant for a friend of mine with coeliac disease who is forever being greeted with 'oh you're gluten intolerant too!' to which she cheerily replies 'yes, so much so that I had a portion of my bowel removed, you?' Tends to shut them up.

And yes, she might not be pleased by the self-diagnosed company, but she pleased to get her own section of the supermarket aisle and some understanding from the world. But hey, this is a rant, and I think we know that a lot of these self-diagnosed food intolerances are rebranded look-at-me faddism.

Which given, after loudly exhausting the menu, she ordered a pizza, I'll say her intolerance was taking the night off.

We all react differently to food stuff. I literally cannot eat beans without significant pain. And I remember the fateful description from a colorectal surgeon former colleague of mine of the man who farted so badly that his insides fell out. Apparently it looked like a 'giant bloody cauliflower'. He fair ruined my dessert with that description. Never share an office with bum surgeons and urologists.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 26, 2015, 10:19:30 am
Restaurants/cafes/brasseries of Paris and Versailles: vegetarians exist and we are willing to exchange money for food. Sort it out.

When I was a vegetarian one of my French friends called it a 'malady of the stomach', then after a moment or three of contemplation, she tapped me in the middle of the forehead and added 'and the brain' before going to off to smoke cigarettes and watch arty moves in tiny cinemas and whatever else it is that the French do when they're not insulting me. I recall eating a lot of omelettes.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on August 26, 2015, 11:12:05 am
School milk. We used to purloin bottles and stash them were they wouldn't be found. The aim was to get an extrusion of stuff that looked like cream from a spray can (and smelt litkeit too) with the foil cap perched on top. Under it would be a swirly mix of a greenish fluid and white wispy clumps. Marvellous.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 27, 2015, 05:36:00 am
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?

I remember numerous tricks to try and get hold of a second unusually sized bottle. One third of a pint was a bottle size I've never seen anywhere since then. Even the weird USA liquor bottles don't seem to include that particular size.

⅓ pint is 189ml. Is 200ml that different or difficult?
Very different, I'd say. Both ⅓ pint and 200ml are "sensible" sizes or rather sizes sensibly expressed. 189ml or, say, 2/9 pint would not be.

No reason to resize to 200ml when things were measured in imperial.

It makes no more sense than insisting that the 25.4mm length be rounded down to an "easier" 25mm. It might work better in metric but the reduction from 1" to 0.984" isn't going to please the people using the original units.

An ongoing gripe for me (unrelated to food, but what the heck) was the way imperial units were abandoned in a way that made what could have been a simple job into a major job. Trying to replace a 3-foot-square shower tray was an experience when things were metric, where a 1-metre-square unit didn't fit and a 90-cm-square unit left enough space at the edges I might as well have sprayed all the water over the floor and been done with it.

I sometimes wonder how many people are still getting rich from selling pipe connectors to join 1/2" pipe to 15mm pipe.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 27, 2015, 05:37:05 am
We all react differently to food stuff. I literally cannot eat beans without significant pain. And I remember the fateful description from a colorectal surgeon former colleague of mine of the man who farted so badly that his insides fell out. Apparently it looked like a 'giant bloody cauliflower'. He fair ruined my dessert with that description. Never share an office with bum surgeons and urologists.

I never liked cauliflower anyway. Probably just as well having read that. Still, I guess you can be thankful he didn't share his description during a meal of cauliflower and tomato sauce.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 27, 2015, 05:39:32 am
School milk. We used to purloin bottles and stash them were they wouldn't be found. The aim was to get an extrusion of stuff that looked like cream from a spray can (and smelt litkeit too) with the foil cap perched on top. Under it would be a swirly mix of a greenish fluid and white wispy clumps. Marvellous.

In my university days the shared fridge in the shared kitchen was a sure-fire way to make sure your stuff got stolen between you putting it in the fridge and hoping to take it back out of the fridge.

A friend got so sick of stuff being stolen he took a mould of a Yorkie bar, then bought a bar of chocolate exlax which he melted and poured into the mould. Folding the Yorkie paper around it he left it in the fridge, until a few days later it mysteriously vanished. About a day later all the toilet paper also mysteriously vanished, and no further thefts took place from his fridge for a while.

One term I bought a pint of milk but only needed a splash from the top. I left it in the communal fridge figuring someone would make good use of it. Except that 9 weeks later it was still sitting there, had acquired a personality of its own, and I think was part way through studying for a degree in philosophy.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 27, 2015, 11:45:22 am
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?

I remember numerous tricks to try and get hold of a second unusually sized bottle. One third of a pint was a bottle size I've never seen anywhere since then. Even the weird USA liquor bottles don't seem to include that particular size.

⅓ pint is 189ml. Is 200ml that different or difficult?
Very different, I'd say. Both ⅓ pint and 200ml are "sensible" sizes or rather sizes sensibly expressed. 189ml or, say, 2/9 pint would not be.

No reason to resize to 200ml when things were measured in imperial.

It makes no more sense than insisting that the 25.4mm length be rounded down to an "easier" 25mm. It might work better in metric but the reduction from 1" to 0.984" isn't going to please the people using the original units.

An ongoing gripe for me (unrelated to food, but what the heck) was the way imperial units were abandoned in a way that made what could have been a simple job into a major job. Trying to replace a 3-foot-square shower tray was an experience when things were metric, where a 1-metre-square unit didn't fit and a 90-cm-square unit left enough space at the edges I might as well have sprayed all the water over the floor and been done with it.

I sometimes wonder how many people are still getting rich from selling pipe connectors to join 1/2" pipe to 15mm pipe.
Bike parts are weird in this respect. Why do we have 11/4" headsets but 31.8mm bars? Apart from Deda, who make 31.7mm bars – but it's the same size, just rounded down instead of up.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on August 27, 2015, 01:03:05 pm
Why don't people just go along to their local dairy farm and ask to buy raw milk?

Tuberculosis.
Actually, the main reason is that few farmers are allowed to sell it. 'Green top' milk was not pasteurized and farmers had to be subject to rigorous testing regimes in order to be licensed to sell it. Dunno anywhere here that offers it.
When I lived in Holmfirth we had a milkperson who delivered direct from the farm. Really fresh greentop, fantastic stuff.
We always had green top milk when I lived in Huddersfield. It's much nicer than other milk.
Almost certainly from the dairy I was talking about!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on August 27, 2015, 01:21:14 pm
If barakta wants dairy-free kosher food, choose anything marked 'Parev' or 'Parve', which means neutral.
Orthodox Jews don't eat meat with milk and might not eat anything dairy for several hours after meat. This means they seek foods they can eat after meat meals.

That is useful, I will keep my eye out for those. Mostly it's stupidity on my part and not reading the sodding ingredients every single sodding time.  There are some things I can get away with and others I really can't. Thankfully I don't get REALLY unwell, just slightly.

A lot also depends on sensitivity, my friend who got diagnosed with coeliac disease about 3-4 years ago is sensitive even to a crumb in her food and she often struggles with gluten-poisoning which makes her fluey and ill for 1-4 days.  If in doubt I will always assume worst-case for someone reporting an intolerance/allergy even if they choose to increase their risk themselves or eat something they oughtn't (or cos they're being faddy).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 27, 2015, 06:22:53 pm
Am I the only person who liked my school milk?

I remember numerous tricks to try and get hold of a second unusually sized bottle. One third of a pint was a bottle size I've never seen anywhere since then. Even the weird USA liquor bottles don't seem to include that particular size.

⅓ pint is 189ml. Is 200ml that different or difficult?
Very different, I'd say. Both ⅓ pint and 200ml are "sensible" sizes or rather sizes sensibly expressed. 189ml or, say, 2/9 pint would not be.

No reason to resize to 200ml when things were measured in imperial.

It makes no more sense than insisting that the 25.4mm length be rounded down to an "easier" 25mm. It might work better in metric but the reduction from 1" to 0.984" isn't going to please the people using the original units.

An ongoing gripe for me (unrelated to food, but what the heck) was the way imperial units were abandoned in a way that made what could have been a simple job into a major job. Trying to replace a 3-foot-square shower tray was an experience when things were metric, where a 1-metre-square unit didn't fit and a 90-cm-square unit left enough space at the edges I might as well have sprayed all the water over the floor and been done with it.

I sometimes wonder how many people are still getting rich from selling pipe connectors to join 1/2" pipe to 15mm pipe.
Bike parts are weird in this respect. Why do we have 11/4" headsets but 31.8mm bars? Apart from Deda, who make 31.7mm bars – but it's the same size, just rounded down instead of up.

Probably because of half-assed metrication.

I always found it irritating when food products simply turned the nice round number into a number that looked totally random unless you knew the old units.

When a 1lb Christmas pudding went metric they could have taken the chance to make it a nice round 500g but no, they labelled it as a "454g pudding". The larger size was 907g. Then came the bottle of milk that went from being 1 pint to being 568ml, although more recently I've seen milk sold by the litre rather than seemingly random fractions of a litre.

It can be fun to mix and match units for the sake of it, so you can have a piece of drill rod 1/4" in diameter and 50mm in length. It's good for winding people up, if not ideal for engineering purposes.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 27, 2015, 06:26:23 pm
If barakta wants dairy-free kosher food, choose anything marked 'Parev' or 'Parve', which means neutral.
Orthodox Jews don't eat meat with milk and might not eat anything dairy for several hours after meat. This means they seek foods they can eat after meat meals.

AIUI the guideline is something like three hours between eating milk and meat products. Apparently it originates from Exodus 23:19 that prohibits boiling a young goat in its mother's milk, but it seems to have gained layers of restriction over the years.

A Jewish friend of mine not only won't eat milk and meat products together, he won't eat one within three hours of eating the other, and has completely separate sets of cutlery and crockery for milk and meat dishes. In his kitchen he has two dishwashers - one for the meat dishes and one for the milk dishes. He doesn't describe himself as particularly strict, he knows people who are sufficiently strict they won't eat meat from a barbecue unless they know exactly what has been on it previously, in case it has been contaminated by something they regard as not kosher.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 27, 2015, 11:23:09 pm
If barakta wants dairy-free kosher food, choose anything marked 'Parev' or 'Parve', which means neutral.
Orthodox Jews don't eat meat with milk and might not eat anything dairy for several hours after meat. This means they seek foods they can eat after meat meals.

AIUI the guideline is something like three hours between eating milk and meat products. Apparently it originates from Exodus 23:19 that prohibits boiling a young goat in its mother's milk, but it seems to have gained layers of restriction over the years.

A Jewish friend of mine not only won't eat milk and meat products together, he won't eat one within three hours of eating the other, and has completely separate sets of cutlery and crockery for milk and meat dishes. In his kitchen he has two dishwashers - one for the meat dishes and one for the milk dishes. He doesn't describe himself as particularly strict, he knows people who are sufficiently strict they won't eat meat from a barbecue unless they know exactly what has been on it previously, in case it has been contaminated by something they regard as not kosher.

All the members of my close family do all of that, including duplicated dishwashers.
The post meat milk abstinence is variable, depending on tradition.
Sephardi (Spanish, Portuguese & Oriental) Jews wait one hour.
Western Ashkenazi (Dutch, German) wait three hours.
Haredi usually wait six hours or 'into the sixth hour' (5+). This includes my sister and her kids.

Obviously, people get pretty hungry 5 hours after a meal so will want suitable snacks.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 28, 2015, 04:59:20 am
If barakta wants dairy-free kosher food, choose anything marked 'Parev' or 'Parve', which means neutral.
Orthodox Jews don't eat meat with milk and might not eat anything dairy for several hours after meat. This means they seek foods they can eat after meat meals.

AIUI the guideline is something like three hours between eating milk and meat products. Apparently it originates from Exodus 23:19 that prohibits boiling a young goat in its mother's milk, but it seems to have gained layers of restriction over the years.

A Jewish friend of mine not only won't eat milk and meat products together, he won't eat one within three hours of eating the other, and has completely separate sets of cutlery and crockery for milk and meat dishes. In his kitchen he has two dishwashers - one for the meat dishes and one for the milk dishes. He doesn't describe himself as particularly strict, he knows people who are sufficiently strict they won't eat meat from a barbecue unless they know exactly what has been on it previously, in case it has been contaminated by something they regard as not kosher.

All the members of my close family do all of that, including duplicated dishwashers.
The post meat milk abstinence is variable, depending on tradition.
Sephardi (Spanish, Portuguese & Oriental) Jews wait one hour.
Western Ashkenazi (Dutch, German) wait three hours.
Haredi usually wait six hours or 'into the sixth hour' (5+). This includes my sister and her kids.

Obviously, people get pretty hungry 5 hours after a meal so will want suitable snacks.

I didn't realise people waited different periods, I thought three hours was pretty standard.

My Jewish friend told me of a situation with a couple of his friends where one of them declined a particularly tasty side dish that had meat in it, much to the surprise of his dining companion. But his reasoning became clear an hour later when he had a large bowl of ice cream in the sun, while his companion couldn't because he had eaten meat too recently to be eating milk.

Do you know how the prohibition of boiling a kid in its mother's milk turned into a requirement to wait for so many hours between eating meat and milk? I can see that cooking meat in milk might be troublesome because we never know just which animal provided the milk but don't understand how, for example, putting a slice of cheese on a burger is in any way related to the prohibition and struggle even more with the idea that if you ate meat two hours ago you can't have a glass of milk now.

I fully appreciate where religious requirements are concerned the standard response is often "God said so", I just don't see where God actually did say so.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on August 28, 2015, 02:29:56 pm
I fully appreciate where religious requirements are concerned the standard response is often "God said so", I just don't see where God actually did say so.

It's also one of those where I can't see a practical benefit (unlike say not eating easily perishable pork or seafood in hot climes without preservation)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 28, 2015, 03:42:44 pm
I don't know where and when these edicts came in.
It has been traditional to reinforce Rules with a precautionary 'fence'.

Too much fat and protein (costly foods in most economies) might be perceived as 'indulgent' or 'greedy'.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on August 28, 2015, 04:57:06 pm
There are theories that some of the rules are designed to keep the Jews apart from other tribes. e.g. The rules regarding kosher wine are a case in point. Kosher wine shared with someone non Jewish instantly renders the rest of the bottle non kosher.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 28, 2015, 05:22:12 pm
Or perhaps it's all made up because, well, because. God can do whatever the shit he or she wants. It's a job perk. He made pickles Kosher. I think he does each one individually. Everyone needs a hobby. Mine is eating Kosher pickles. Me and God got a thing going on.

My first proper girlfriend (you can only have so much impropriety) was Jewish on her father's side (which probably meant she wasn't Jewish, isn't it matrilineal?), but anyway, areligious me got myself dragged along once-upon-a-time to gathering of her more remote orthodox relatives (they have better hats in Finchley, there should be a big orthodox hat league). Now that was a culture shock. Served me right for conscientiously objecting to RE and sitting in the corridor (not that I think Judaism got much coverage). In the end to avoid breaking any more rules I stood quietly in a corner not touching anything. It's hard work is religion. In Hell, they have cheeze whiz on tap and there's no lock-out period. You can use it as toothpaste or for comedy yellow moustaches. The Devil don't care. He encourages that sort of behaviour.

Thinking about it, I may have non-Koshered the entire gathering with my heathen stink. Mind you, she was lapsed about as far as you could lapse without being her father who I think the entire state of Judaism had disowned. He was probably the only thing they all agree on.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on August 28, 2015, 06:03:28 pm
My first proper girlfriend (you can only have so much impropriety) was Jewish on her father's side (which probably meant she wasn't Jewish, isn't it matrilineal?), but anyway, areligious me got myself dragged along once-upon-a-time to gathering of her more remote orthodox relatives (they have better hats in Finchley, there should be a big orthodox hat league).

Judaism is matrilineal.
Finchley has good hats
Stamford Hill has extreme hats.

Mrs Elswood pickled cucumbers are my usual pickle. Very Kosher!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 28, 2015, 06:16:36 pm
Judaism is matrilineal.
Finchley has good hats
Stamford Hill has extreme hats.

The hats of Stamford Hill are extreme to the extent that as far away as San Francisco the locals of that part of North Londonton are sometimes known as "Stamford Hillbillies". It was on my commute for many a year.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Andrij on August 28, 2015, 07:09:08 pm
Finchley has good hats
Stamford Hill has extreme hats.

Last Saturday (the Sabbath, for those not in the know) I walked from Stoke Newington (close enough to Stamford Hill) to Hendon.  There was quite an impressive range of head coverings on display along the way.


To bring things back on topic...
HOW MUCH for skate?!?  OK, it was a large piece of fish, and not bad, but definitely not worth £8!  Now I see why you have all your prices up on the board - except for your fish.  Next time I'll ask the price is I ask for anyhting other than cod.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 28, 2015, 10:14:42 pm
I fully appreciate where religious requirements are concerned the standard response is often "God said so", I just don't see where God actually did say so.

It's also one of those where I can't see a practical benefit (unlike say not eating easily perishable pork or seafood in hot climes without preservation)

Where religious requirements are concerned I don't suppose there has to be a specifically identifiable practical benefit, although in the days of the Exodus it's possible there was some health implication associated with meat and milk that came from the same animal.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 28, 2015, 10:16:55 pm
Finchley has good hats
Stamford Hill has extreme hats.

Last Saturday (the Sabbath, for those not in the know) I walked from Stoke Newington (close enough to Stamford Hill) to Hendon.  There was quite an impressive range of head coverings on display along the way.


To bring things back on topic...
HOW MUCH for skate?!?  OK, it was a large piece of fish, and not bad, but definitely not worth £8!  Now I see why you have all your prices up on the board - except for your fish.  Next time I'll ask the price is I ask for anyhting other than cod.

I went to a local county fair here in rural Pennsylvania and some guy wanted $10 for what he rather optimistically described as a "bucket of fries". So in other words that's $10 for a few more chips than you can put in a folded bit of paper.

On the flipside the deep fried Oreos were an experience. Not an entirely unpleasant one, at least from the perspective of my taste buds. I'm not sure my arteries would have rated it as highly. Hey ho, can't win them all.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on August 28, 2015, 10:29:37 pm
although in the days of the Exodus it's possible there was some health implication associated with meat and milk that came from the same animal.

Well, if we're talking about boiling goats in their own milk, and making uninformed guestimates about the capacity of the udder with respect to the volume of the entire goat, as well as the rate at which it's likely to re-fill, I'd say that unless you've got access to refrigeration it's an entirely stupid idea, rather than just kinky.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on August 28, 2015, 10:37:24 pm
god made broth go bad until Pasteur found out it was little microbule things.

I guess he'd get pissed off if you could prove that shellfish goes off in hot weather because science.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on August 29, 2015, 01:46:29 am
although in the days of the Exodus it's possible there was some health implication associated with meat and milk that came from the same animal.

Well, if we're talking about boiling goats in their own milk, and making uninformed guestimates about the capacity of the udder with respect to the volume of the entire goat, as well as the rate at which it's likely to re-fill, I'd say that unless you've got access to refrigeration it's an entirely stupid idea, rather than just kinky.

Sorry, I didn't word my post very well. The "meat from the same animal" was in the sense that the kid comes from the mother, as does the milk. Not that it was about boiling an animal in its own milk.

I'm still speculating, as someone already said it's easy to see why shellfish on a hot day without refrigeration is a Really Bad Idea although whether it's a bad idea because GOD or because SCIENCE doesn't change the fact it's a bad idea.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 31, 2015, 07:17:45 pm
I can't go to Stamford Hill without, you know, wanting to pull a bit of facial hair and seeing if those lampshades light up. My wife, more culturally sensitive than I, points out that I shouldn't do this. I think the world would be a better place if God would select his chosen ones through a big hat competition. I love hats so I don't see why a deity wouldn't either. Anyway, there's the NYC variety of orthodox Jewishness, which to be honest, doesn't do much for me in the hat department.

Today's rantage. Those people, if I can call them that, who have to start shoveling stuff into their mouth before they have even paid for it. You know the ones, they lining up at the tills and already carving their way through the shrink-wrap and manhandling food into their steadily masticating jaws. What, like seriously, you're that hungry that you might die if have to wait another minute without foie grassing yourself with a chicken sandwich. Fucking well put that back in your basket and wait to pay for it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 31, 2015, 07:21:12 pm
If big hats are the answer then many a bonkers Third World dictator, and all senior officers of the Red Army, clearly know something I don't.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on August 31, 2015, 07:40:34 pm
You've got to wonder if they do know something. It's like they've all seen the Rule Book and know that come judgement, it is what's balanced on your head – and not what's in your head – that counts.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 01, 2015, 01:13:57 am
I can't go to Stamford Hill without, you know, wanting to pull a bit of facial hair and seeing if those lampshades light up. My wife, more culturally sensitive than I, points out that I shouldn't do this. I think the world would be a better place if God would select his chosen ones through a big hat competition. I love hats so I don't see why a deity wouldn't either. Anyway, there's the NYC variety of orthodox Jewishness, which to be honest, doesn't do much for me in the hat department.

Today's rantage. Those people, if I can call them that, who have to start shoveling stuff into their mouth before they have even paid for it. You know the ones, they lining up at the tills and already carving their way through the shrink-wrap and manhandling food into their steadily masticating jaws. What, like seriously, you're that hungry that you might die if have to wait another minute without foie grassing yourself with a chicken sandwich. Fucking well put that back in your basket and wait to pay for it.

It's one thing to start eating something that's got a simple unit price on it. If the packet of sandwiches says 3.99 on it then it's 3.99 whether it's full or empty. But what is the checkout assistant supposed to do with a banana skin when they are priced by weight?

It is pretty lame when people are apparently so hungry they can't wait a couple of minutes to pay for their food before eating it, and also so incompetent they couldn't have gone to the store a few minutes earlier to avoid the problem in the first place.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on September 01, 2015, 01:34:20 am
I can't go to Stamford Hill without, you know, wanting to pull a bit of facial hair and seeing if those lampshades light up. My wife, more culturally sensitive than I, points out that I shouldn't do this. I think the world would be a better place if God would select his chosen ones through a big hat competition. I love hats so I don't see why a deity wouldn't either. Anyway, there's the NYC variety of orthodox Jewishness, which to be honest, doesn't do much for me in the hat department.

Today's rantage. Those people, if I can call them that, who have to start shoveling stuff into their mouth before they have even paid for it. You know the ones, they lining up at the tills and already carving their way through the shrink-wrap and manhandling food into their steadily masticating jaws. What, like seriously, you're that hungry that you might die if have to wait another minute without foie grassing yourself with a chicken sandwich. Fucking well put that back in your basket and wait to pay for it.

It's one thing to start eating something that's got a simple unit price on it. If the packet of sandwiches says 3.99 on it then it's 3.99 whether it's full or empty. But what is the checkout assistant supposed to do with a banana skin when they are priced by weight?

It is pretty lame when people are apparently so hungry they can't wait a couple of minutes to pay for their food before eating it, and also so incompetent they couldn't have gone to the store a few minutes earlier to avoid the problem in the first place.

I have to disagree.
When 20 AUKs hit a 24 hour garage at Audax o'clock and there is but one assistant to take money and stamp cards. Time waiting is time wasted and an AUK with plummeting sugar levels might not be a model of courtesy.
The flapjack wrapper will have the same bar code whether the flapjack has been eaten or not.
Best use of time is to eat in the queue, pay in good humour and use the garage's bin.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 01, 2015, 11:48:55 am
I don't think 1.30pm in the Bromley M&S qualifies for in-queue scoffage. The most exercise these people have is finding a spot in the car park. Until you've paid for it, it's not yours, so leave it be. Poor girl behind the till doesn't want to sort through your crumb-filled post-prandial wreckage to find the bar code.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on September 02, 2015, 04:49:30 pm
This rant brought to you from the man with the 1 hour lunch break, not the girl with 30 minutes.

It's my little spit at The Man to eat Food before it's paid for. After all, I do that in every real restaurant, it's only the shit ones that make you pay up front.
Sometimes I 'steal' from other people's trolleys too. Because I can.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 02, 2015, 06:03:22 pm
I can't go to Stamford Hill without, you know, wanting to pull a bit of facial hair and seeing if those lampshades light up. My wife, more culturally sensitive than I, points out that I shouldn't do this. I think the world would be a better place if God would select his chosen ones through a big hat competition. I love hats so I don't see why a deity wouldn't either. Anyway, there's the NYC variety of orthodox Jewishness, which to be honest, doesn't do much for me in the hat department.

Today's rantage. Those people, if I can call them that, who have to start shoveling stuff into their mouth before they have even paid for it. You know the ones, they lining up at the tills and already carving their way through the shrink-wrap and manhandling food into their steadily masticating jaws. What, like seriously, you're that hungry that you might die if have to wait another minute without foie grassing yourself with a chicken sandwich. Fucking well put that back in your basket and wait to pay for it.

It's one thing to start eating something that's got a simple unit price on it. If the packet of sandwiches says 3.99 on it then it's 3.99 whether it's full or empty. But what is the checkout assistant supposed to do with a banana skin when they are priced by weight?

It is pretty lame when people are apparently so hungry they can't wait a couple of minutes to pay for their food before eating it, and also so incompetent they couldn't have gone to the store a few minutes earlier to avoid the problem in the first place.

I have to disagree.
When 20 AUKs hit a 24 hour garage at Audax o'clock and there is but one assistant to take money and stamp cards. Time waiting is time wasted and an AUK with plummeting sugar levels might not be a model of courtesy.
The flapjack wrapper will have the same bar code whether the flapjack has been eaten or not.
Best use of time is to eat in the queue, pay in good humour and use the garage's bin.

I suspect 20 AUKs hitting a 24-hour garage in the middle of the night is a relatively rare phenomenon, when compared to the supermarket at 3 in the afternoon where someone just doesn't feel like waiting.

As you say (and as I also mentioned) something with a simple unit price is easy enough but when you're looking at things sold by weight how is the checkout assistant supposed to know how much the banana once weighed, if all they have to go on is the empty skin?

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 02, 2015, 06:06:52 pm
Sometimes I 'steal' from other people's trolleys too. Because I can.

That's a good thought actually. Maybe we could form gangs to take bottles of advocaat out of peoples' trolleys and put them back on the shelves. You know we'd be doing them a favour even if they didn't realise it at the time.

I remember years ago there was some kind of people-watching type of documentary where a supermarket marked a single bottle of whisky down massively - think of dropping something from 29.99 to 9.99 or similar. But there was only one at that price, and it was very clearly marked. The bottle was tracked, and apparently some folks were quite irate when they left their trolley to wander down the aisle only to return and find "their" bottle had been taken. As staff said it isn't their bottle until they paid for it, and someone taking it from their trolley isn't doing anything wrong (issues of manners aside, but bad manners aren't a crime). I think from the point it got taken off the shelf to the point it got paid for it changed hands something like five times.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on September 02, 2015, 06:16:22 pm
I've often thought that it might be a good idea to nick a full trolley, to save time in the horrible market.
Closer inspection always puts me off though, as other people's 'big shop' seems to suggest that their evening meal menu for the next week will consist solely of crisps, biscuits and pop, plus loaves of nasty bread.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 03, 2015, 04:28:23 am
It's truly remarkable to see what people have in a trolley that's piled high.

Mind you when I used to use UK supermarket loyalty schemes I sometimes liked to pick what I bought where based on how badly I could screw up the database profile they were keeping on me.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 03, 2015, 04:30:40 am

At a local county fair in rural Americaland recently I saw some truly bizarre people. Of course over here being fat is considered a disability, so you see people so fat they can't walk getting around in mobility scooters, which is just as well as there's no way any mortal could be expected to carry the monstrous bags of popcorn and the enormous ice creams they inevitably seem to be eating.

It's hard not to have sympathy when you see someone in a scooter who looks like they are literally wasting away with tubes in their nose to help them breathe. It's harder to have sympathy for the people who are all but spherical yet still insist on eating more of the super-sized portions of fair food (aka junk, aka heart-attack-on-a-stick) as fast as they can.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 03, 2015, 10:18:02 pm
Ah hour for lunch? Nah, considering the mothership still hasn't got around to putting a per diem on my expense account, I consider my entire day merely an extended lunch that starts at breakfast and meanders on till teatime. Such is the hectic life at the coalface of thought leadership.

Supermarket eaters used to upset my mum, as she had sort through their packaging midden for barcodes when she flew a till for Morrison's. She was a harsh critic of people's food choices. Well, food in general, she suffers from an advanced case of food racism and won't touch any foreign food. And I mean, won't touch. She can't apparently even handle a jar of curry sauce without feeling sick. She genuinely once had to go home because someone dropped a jar of korma next to her lane. It may as have well have Sarin nerve gas as far she was concerned. I'm not sure advanced food racism is an ideal skill for a supermarket till pilot. She was also the slowest ever because she had to gab to just about everyone. She's probably the reason they invented self-checkout. Nope, she won't even touch pasta. She'd still not forgiven me for getting married in Paris where no food item was above suspicion and I think she may have subsisted for the entire weekend on a piece of lettuce. Nor has my father, whose aversion to garlic would only be matched by Dracula were it not so apparent that he doesn't actually know what garlic is. He'll read food ingredients with the fervour of a bible-belt Baptist reading scripture, though he's looking for garlic rather than revelation.

You'll probably understand why the only restaurant I went to until the age of 18 was Wimpy. And I had to use the knife and fork.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on September 03, 2015, 10:33:41 pm
At a local county fair in rural Americaland recently I saw some truly bizarre people. Of course over here being fat is considered a disability, so you see people so fat they can't walk getting around in mobility scooters

Because people with mobility impairments never put on weight as a result...   >:(
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 03, 2015, 10:57:34 pm
On that basis the entire state of Mississippi had a mobility issue.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 04, 2015, 03:56:51 am
At a local county fair in rural Americaland recently I saw some truly bizarre people. Of course over here being fat is considered a disability, so you see people so fat they can't walk getting around in mobility scooters

Because people with mobility impairments never put on weight as a result...   >:(

I'm sure people with mobility issues do put on weight. Eating ice creams and bags of popcorn bigger than anything I've ever seen before is unlikely to help with the issue.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on September 04, 2015, 05:01:28 am
I have posted on the mobility scooter cycle community fascist tendency before.
When I bought my father a scooter, the salesman explained that warranty extension was not generally required as the average ownership of scooters is about 3 years. They are an end of life thing not a leisure accessory, to inconvenience legitimate healthy pavement and aisle shoppers.
Nobody buys these things for fun. Certainly true in my fathers case. Now he is dead we passed his scooter on to an old folks home and I see an old fat bloke on it from time to time. At least it enables him to get to the shops as I doubt he could walk much with his bloated body, and he obviously isn't all there upstairs.
I tend to find the spectacle of ill informed otherwise right-on fit cyclists pouring prejudicial scorn on others whose actual circumstances they know nothing of other than their weight a bit off-putting.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 04, 2015, 10:03:58 am
Oh my little furry pawed friend, I think we all appreciate that mobility scooters are an essential mobility aid, and indeed, people do have issues that lead to weight gain and they can certainly conflate. They let the old and infirm enjoy a level of independence that they wouldn't otherwise. I've not been deathed by mobility scooting pavement pigs yet, despite being promised that this very fate awaited me. Gurning grannies with kamikaze intent. Fortunately, my local municipality took steps to prevent this by ensuring there's not enough space left on the pavement for those scooters. Let the infirm stay at home where they're not taking up people's parking. Is it not bad enough that these bloody disabled already get the best parking spaces? I don't see why I should have to park my Q7 two rows away from the supermarket door.

That said, some people do seem to have fallen into the bottomless pit of fries and appear to be trying to eat their way out. I'm not sure that as a society we should keep making the excuses, obesity is something that needs to be addressed, and it can't be with the message that it's all OK and your weight is out of your control on the grounds that it might offend the minority for whom it genuinely isn't. And it's not a case of yelling 'hey fatty' but dealing with it constructively and providing an environment where our health and wellbeing becomes something that we control for ourselves. I think we've lost that. They Americans might have already jumped the shark (or tried and flattened that once frisky selachimorph) on the issue but we could at least try.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on September 04, 2015, 11:52:08 am
At a local county fair in rural Americaland recently I saw some truly bizarre people. Of course over here being fat is considered a disability, so you see people so fat they can't walk getting around in mobility scooters

Because people with mobility impairments never put on weight as a result...   >:(

Of course they do. But you have to see to believe some of those in the 'states. In the UK they'd be exceptional (like Tigerrr's example), over there they're normal. Not elderly, not "not all there", not in care homes, just "ordinary folks" who happen to be huge. And it often is over-eating that has given them the weight and mobility issue in the first place. It's a different world.

Ian said it a lot better of course.  :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on September 04, 2015, 05:36:01 pm
I've often thought that it might be a good idea to nick a full trolley, to save time in the horrible market.
Closer inspection always puts me off though, as other people's 'big shop' seems to suggest that their evening meal menu for the next week will consist solely of crisps, biscuits and pop, plus loaves of nasty bread.
That sounds like my trolley. Well, it's more likely to have beer than pop and a bag of flour than nasty bread, but crisps, biscuits, pizza, ice cream, random shit, yes. I'll already have been to the greengrocer's to buy the fruit and veg, looking at my stupormarket trolley you'd think we never eat anything that's grown.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on September 04, 2015, 05:41:48 pm
My first proper girlfriend (you can only have so much impropriety) was Jewish on her father's side (which probably meant she wasn't Jewish, isn't it matrilineal?), but anyway, areligious me got myself dragged along once-upon-a-time to gathering of her more remote orthodox relatives (they have better hats in Finchley, there should be a big orthodox hat league).

Judaism is matrilineal.
Finchley has good hats
Stamford Hill has extreme hats.

Mrs Elswood pickled cucumbers are my usual pickle. Very Kosher!
Our local Stainsbury's has a small 'world food' aisle, which is subdivided into three sections: Asian, Kosher and Polish. The last two feature almost identical foods but with different brand names, a rabbi's certificate and markedly varying prices. I guess rabbis don't give their stamp for free. (And most of the Polish stuff that's not kosher-alike differs only in brand name and price from what's on the standard shelves; a thousand miles of transport doesn't come for free either, but it's harder to see why people insist on paying for it.) I have never seen anyone in there wearing a hat.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 04, 2015, 06:07:11 pm
I am currently eating some beer (IPA) flavour pickles to get me in the mood for pub o'clock. They're very good. Brooklyn Brine apparently, for some reason in M&S. Kosher. I presume there's a lot in Judaism about pickles. God, it would seem, is never without a jar of pickle to snack on. If you're shopping around a religion and you like hats and pickles, it seems the most natural home. Maybe I should start my own religion that's just about hats and pickles, and no other baggage.

Oh and freckles. I like freckles.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 04, 2015, 06:16:08 pm
ps the freckled people are the chosen ones. Don't eat them. Your God will be displeased and her wrath mighty. Ish.

In fact that's what I'm calling my god: Ish. I'm inventing a religion right now.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: SteveC on September 04, 2015, 06:36:21 pm
ps the freckled people are the chosen ones. Don't eat them. Your God will be displeased and her wrath mighty. Ish.

In fact that's what I'm calling my god: Ish. I'm inventing a religion right now.
Shouldn't this post be in the 'what are you drinking right now' thread? Or even the 'what on earth have you been drinking' one?

 ;) ;)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on September 04, 2015, 07:19:00 pm
I am currently eating some beer (IPA) flavour pickles to get me in the mood for pub o'clock. They're very good. Brooklyn Brine apparently, for some reason in M&S. Kosher. I presume there's a lot in Judaism about pickles. God, it would seem, is never without a jar of pickle to snack on. If you're shopping around a religion and you like hats and pickles, it seems the most natural home. Maybe I should start my own religion that's just about hats and pickles, and no other baggage.

Oh and freckles. I like freckles.

I saw those IPA pickles a while ago, are they *really* that good?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on September 04, 2015, 07:56:46 pm
Some idiot forgot to put the pie funnel in the pie. Gah!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 04, 2015, 08:54:53 pm
Oh my little furry pawed friend, I think we all appreciate that mobility scooters are an essential mobility aid, and indeed, people do have issues that lead to weight gain and they can certainly conflate. They let the old and infirm enjoy a level of independence that they wouldn't otherwise. I've not been deathed by mobility scooting pavement pigs yet, despite being promised that this very fate awaited me. Gurning grannies with kamikaze intent. Fortunately, my local municipality took steps to prevent this by ensuring there's not enough space left on the pavement for those scooters. Let the infirm stay at home where they're not taking up people's parking. Is it not bad enough that these bloody disabled already get the best parking spaces? I don't see why I should have to park my Q7 two rows away from the supermarket door.

That said, some people do seem to have fallen into the bottomless pit of fries and appear to be trying to eat their way out. I'm not sure that as a society we should keep making the excuses, obesity is something that needs to be addressed, and it can't be with the message that it's all OK and your weight is out of your control on the grounds that it might offend the minority for whom it genuinely isn't. And it's not a case of yelling 'hey fatty' but dealing with it constructively and providing an environment where our health and wellbeing becomes something that we control for ourselves. I think we've lost that. They Americans might have already jumped the shark (or tried and flattened that once frisky selachimorph) on the issue but we could at least try.

That is the big thing here (pun only kinda-sorta intended).

Of course we don't know whether the mobility issue caused the weight gain or the weight gain caused the mobility issue. But either way, if you're not moving about much and you're already so far into the "morbidly obese" category that you could lose half your body weight and still be morbidly obese, eating your own weight in popcorn and fried food doesn't seem like a particularly clever thing to do.

In the land where you can get a 64oz soda with your fast food, and then fill it up again for the road at no extra cost, it's hardly surprising that people gain weight. The flipside, of course, is that nobody is forced to drink a 64oz soda at gunpoint, and (speaking as a fat person myself) getting fat is almost invariably the result of a long term pattern of eating more calories than your body needs.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ruthie on September 04, 2015, 09:04:20 pm
Oh my little furry pawed friend, I think we all appreciate that mobility scooters are an essential mobility aid, and indeed, people do have issues that lead to weight gain and they can certainly conflate. They let the old and infirm enjoy a level of independence that they wouldn't otherwise. I've not been deathed by mobility scooting pavement pigs yet, despite being promised that this very fate awaited me. Gurning grannies with kamikaze intent. Fortunately, my local municipality took steps to prevent this by ensuring there's not enough space left on the pavement for those scooters. Let the infirm stay at home where they're not taking up people's parking. Is it not bad enough that these bloody disabled already get the best parking spaces? I don't see why I should have to park my Q7 two rows away from the supermarket door.

That said, some people do seem to have fallen into the bottomless pit of fries and appear to be trying to eat their way out. I'm not sure that as a society we should keep making the excuses, obesity is something that needs to be addressed, and it can't be with the message that it's all OK and your weight is out of your control on the grounds that it might offend the minority for whom it genuinely isn't. And it's not a case of yelling 'hey fatty' but dealing with it constructively and providing an environment where our health and wellbeing becomes something that we control for ourselves. I think we've lost that. They Americans might have already jumped the shark (or tried and flattened that once frisky selachimorph) on the issue but we could at least try.

That is the big thing here (pun only kinda-sorta intended).

Of course we don't know whether the mobility issue caused the weight gain or the weight gain caused the mobility issue. But either way, if you're not moving about much and you're already so far into the "morbidly obese" category that you could lose half your body weight and still be morbidly obese, eating your own weight in popcorn and fried food doesn't seem like a particularly clever thing to do.

In the land where you can get a 64oz soda with your fast food, and then fill it up again for the road at no extra cost, it's hardly surprising that people gain weight. The flipside, of course, is that nobody is forced to drink a 64oz soda at gunpoint, and (speaking as a fat person myself) getting fat is almost invariably the result of a long term pattern of eating more calories than your body needs.

Because it's a dead simple, easy issue really, and fat people must like being fat, otherwise why would they choose to be fat?  Because, given the choice, wouldn't we all rather be fat and then get sneered at and demonised?  Nobody forces that first fairy cake down their neck.  They're fat because they want to be fat, and they choose to be fat. 

 :facepalm:



Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on September 04, 2015, 09:26:59 pm
ps the freckled people are the chosen ones. Don't eat them. Your God will be displeased and her wrath mighty. Ish.

In fact that's what I'm calling my god: Ish. I'm inventing a religion right now.

So, are deciples Ishists?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ruthie on September 04, 2015, 09:30:45 pm
Sorry, that probly was a bit ranty, but the fact is, nobody wants to be fat.  Being fat is rubbish.  I hate being fat, and I'm only quite fat, not very fat.  If you're very fat, or very very fat, then that's very very rubbish.  Nobody wants to be as fat as that.

It's just much harder to eat real food in sensible quantities these days, because we've got 'food' pushed at us from every quarter, and our culture is built around 'food', rather than nourishment for daily living.

I think you can be addicted to food, in the same way as alcohol.  Eating too much of certain foods gives you an addictive rush and you get caught in a spiral of addictive eating that's incredibly difficult to get out of.  We're surrounded by addictive foods that press all the WOW!!! buttons in our brains (which are hardwired for times of scarcity), and people make massive profits out of those foods, and meanwhile we're deskilled in eating simply and wholesomely, and our bodies don't even recognise real hunger any more, and food means so much  more than nourishment.  It means family, and sociability, and love, and control, and guilt, and lack of control, and weakness, and discipline, and glamour, and it's a great way to drown negative emotions, drowning them in nasty cheap chocolate and pies, for the same reason people drink alcohol to numb the pain.

It's not simple!  Look at a fat person.  Do they like being fat?  If the answer was simple, do you think they'd still be fat?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CrinklyLion on September 04, 2015, 09:49:13 pm
But either way, if you're not moving about much and you're already so far into the "morbidly obese" category that you could lose half your body weight and still be morbidly obese, eating your own weight in popcorn and fried food doesn't seem like a particularly clever thing to do.

*does some calculations*

Wah-hey!  Not half, a mere nearly-40%.  Bring on the popcorn and chips.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on September 04, 2015, 09:55:56 pm
The cheapest food is often the worst food. There are links between poverty and fatness and mental health too.

Poverty and other correlating circumstances notwithstanding, the chances are if you have an eating disorder which manifests as being as very fat you will probably struggle to get the specialist mental health care that you need.  And it is specialist and delicate care that's needed not judgement and adding to the problems.

Once you're fat it is very hard to lose that weight cos biology and complicatedness happens and the chances are you get yelled at and abused in the street - double it if you are female and or black.  Again all feeding into other vicious circles.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on September 04, 2015, 09:57:41 pm
Sorry, that probly was a bit ranty, but the fact is, nobody wants to be fat.  Being fat is rubbish.  I hate being fat, and I'm only quite fat, not very fat.  If you're very fat, or very very fat, then that's very very rubbish.  Nobody wants to be as fat as that.

It's just much harder to eat real food in sensible quantities these days, because we've got 'food' pushed at us from every quarter, and our culture is built around 'food', rather than nourishment for daily living.

I think you can be addicted to food, in the same way as alcohol.  Eating too much of certain foods gives you an addictive rush and you get caught in a spiral of addictive eating that's incredibly difficult to get out of.  We're surrounded by addictive foods that press all the WOW!!! buttons in our brains (which are hardwired for times of scarcity), and people make massive profits out of those foods, and meanwhile we're deskilled in eating simply and wholesomely, and our bodies don't even recognise real hunger any more, and food means so much  more than nourishment.  It means family, and sociability, and love, and control, and guilt, and lack of control, and weakness, and discipline, and glamour, and it's a great way to drown negative emotions, drowning them in nasty cheap chocolate and pies, for the same reason people drink alcohol to numb the pain.

It's not simple!  Look at a fat person.  Do they like being fat?  If the answer was simple, do you think they'd still be fat?
Yeah it did seem a bit ranty but... your second and third paras are putting some detail on what Contango and ian were saying earlier. That we need to stop making excuses as a society and look at things like the easy availability of 64oz sodas.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on September 04, 2015, 10:00:11 pm
We could also think about working on causes of poor mental health, poverty etc!  It's not just as simple as "the food is there", it is as much about the complexities of why.  Judgement just doesn't help.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ruthie on September 04, 2015, 10:04:20 pm
Sorry, that probly was a bit ranty, but the fact is, nobody wants to be fat.  Being fat is rubbish.  I hate being fat, and I'm only quite fat, not very fat.  If you're very fat, or very very fat, then that's very very rubbish.  Nobody wants to be as fat as that.

It's just much harder to eat real food in sensible quantities these days, because we've got 'food' pushed at us from every quarter, and our culture is built around 'food', rather than nourishment for daily living.

I think you can be addicted to food, in the same way as alcohol.  Eating too much of certain foods gives you an addictive rush and you get caught in a spiral of addictive eating that's incredibly difficult to get out of.  We're surrounded by addictive foods that press all the WOW!!! buttons in our brains (which are hardwired for times of scarcity), and people make massive profits out of those foods, and meanwhile we're deskilled in eating simply and wholesomely, and our bodies don't even recognise real hunger any more, and food means so much  more than nourishment.  It means family, and sociability, and love, and control, and guilt, and lack of control, and weakness, and discipline, and glamour, and it's a great way to drown negative emotions, drowning them in nasty cheap chocolate and pies, for the same reason people drink alcohol to numb the pain.

It's not simple!  Look at a fat person.  Do they like being fat?  If the answer was simple, do you think they'd still be fat?
Yeah it did seem a bit ranty but... your second and third paras are putting some detail on what Contango and ian were saying earlier. That we need to stop making excuses as a society and look at things like the easy availability of 64oz sodas.

Yes.  And to examine the ethics of making a profit out of deadly substances like hydrogenated vegetable oils and high fructose syrup and nicotine.  When profit is the only measure of success the world goes mad.  I finished reading 'The Impulse Society' the other day, which added much perspective, and when you look at people digging their grave with their fork, you have to wonder, Who's the one making money out of this?

Because when you walk around town, and look at the people around you, fat people aren't old, and old people aren't fat.  It's as serious as that.  And what's more you get blamed for being the way you hate being.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on September 04, 2015, 10:23:05 pm
The cheapest food is often the worst food. There are links between poverty and fatness and mental health too.

Indeed. My 'diet' of steak, salad and strawberries (I do eat other things, actually) is not cheap but seems to result in slow weight loss.

Bread and jam is cheaper...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on September 04, 2015, 10:30:02 pm
Ian's made several posts in this and other threads to the effect that people are becoming dangerously fatter and that we seem to accept this and part of the acceptance of fatter society is acceptance of individuals' fatness. And every time someone jumps back with "You're blaming me for being fat!" But he's really (I think) blaming us as a society for not caring about their fatness. I think he actually once said "It's not about the individual" it's about cumulative effect of all those individuals.

Apart from that, yes profit is of course a big factor. Greed for money and greed for food, all greed.
We could also think about working on causes of poor mental health, poverty etc!  It's not just as simple as "the food is there", it is as much about the complexities of why.  Judgement just doesn't help.
I read somewhere that 1 in 4 people suffer mental illness at some point in their lives, but it sometimes seems to me that probably 3/4 of us are "mentally not as well as we could be" most of the time (and that that has an expression in poor physical health, among other stuff).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on September 04, 2015, 10:37:41 pm
After 'We Want Plates', I WANT A BOWL!

Partner and I just had desserts at a Table Table (Whitbread Premier Inn) restaurant. I had a sticky toffee pudding & custard while he had a bread and butter pudding & custard. Both puddings were served on small, flat square plates, with the custard in a separate gravy boat. It would have been better to serve these in bowls.

OTOH my salmon and David's dad's lamb shank, came in HUGE bowls. I can't be alone finding deep bowls awkward when using a knife and fork...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on September 05, 2015, 12:03:24 am
ps the freckled people are the chosen ones.

 :thumbsup: We just don't know what we've been chosen for  :-[
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on September 05, 2015, 12:04:01 am
Oh and freckles. I like freckles.

 :-*
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on September 05, 2015, 07:20:38 am
BTW, those polish jars of cured pork, with garlic etc are so lovely they should be illegal.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on September 05, 2015, 07:30:01 pm

It's not simple!  Look at a fat person.  Do they like being fat?  If the answer was simple, do you think they'd still be fat?

You're looking at it from a UK perspective. Like you I'm a bit fat.  But I've seen on TV a U.S woman using a mobility scooter inside her home because she was so fat she couldn't walk bake a huge lasagne fully intending to eat the same. They really don't seem to care.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 05, 2015, 08:38:46 pm
As the prophet of Ish, she's been communicating on such matters. Regarding the freckles, she's quite keen to point out that come judgement day (which will probably be a Wednesday sometime) she's perfectly fine if you add your own with a marker pen. She'll ensure there's a supply handy. Probably. She's bit vague on the entire logistics of judgement day thing. She's likely going to wing it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 05, 2015, 09:00:26 pm
Just by-the-by, but not one is 'blaming' people for being fat. But really, if you're fat then the only person who can change that is yourself. As both individuals and a society we have to accept that. Sure, there are many culprits and reasons, but if we hide behind excuses, create an environment where everything else is to blame, then there's no reason for anyone to shoulder that responsibility for their own health. Things will only get worse. And yes, we need a proper public health initiative that brings everything to the table. I'm not optimistic that any current flavour of government will step up to that, not when it involves everything from urban planning to diet. But that's not an excuse, if you're not happy with the way you are, then you're the only person who can change that. It has to start with the individual.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 06, 2015, 12:12:51 pm
I am currently eating some beer (IPA) flavour pickles to get me in the mood for pub o'clock. They're very good. Brooklyn Brine apparently, for some reason in M&S. Kosher. I presume there's a lot in Judaism about pickles. God, it would seem, is never without a jar of pickle to snack on. If you're shopping around a religion and you like hats and pickles, it seems the most natural home. Maybe I should start my own religion that's just about hats and pickles, and no other baggage.

Oh and freckles. I like freckles.

I saw those IPA pickles a while ago, are they *really* that good?

I like them. They're not actually boozy and the taste is subtle and unlike some pickles not too heavy on the sweet. I prefer briny pickles to vinegar (what in the history Ishism is known as the Pickle Schism). I finished them off on a chicken burger last night and they were perfect. Mind you, they're £5 a jar and don't last very long if you're a prime pickle snaffler like me. I washed them down with this (http://prairieales.com/beer/bible-belt/). Seriously, I've not had a better meal in a long time. Shove that up your apron, A list cheffery.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 08, 2015, 12:52:18 pm
I bought another three jars. I'm offsetting my lack of freckles with pickles. Ish's favour is capricious, best to hedge your bets. There might be no marker pens come judgement day. Offer her a long history of pickle consumption a few jars of something favourable, the door might be left open. Too late to realise you only have an out-of-date jar of cornichons.

I'm never convinced pickles go out of date. They're pickled. That's the point. It's like sell-by-dates on cheese. It's cheese. It's off by definition.

Mind you, I applied that logic to a tub of creme fraiche that had been idling long enough in the fridge to need a hobby. I tasted a bit because science. Oh my. There's off and there's off. That's a taste you don't want hugging your tongue, like I'd frenchied a tramp. I imagine. I draw the line at a chaste peck on the cheek. In future, I'm going for animal testing and letting the cats judge the dubiousness of out-of-date dairy products.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 08, 2015, 10:26:34 pm
Just by-the-by, but not one is 'blaming' people for being fat. But really, if you're fat then the only person who can change that is yourself. As both individuals and a society we have to accept that. Sure, there are many culprits and reasons, but if we hide behind excuses, create an environment where everything else is to blame, then there's no reason for anyone to shoulder that responsibility for their own health. Things will only get worse. And yes, we need a proper public health initiative that brings everything to the table. I'm not optimistic that any current flavour of government will step up to that, not when it involves everything from urban planning to diet. But that's not an excuse, if you're not happy with the way you are, then you're the only person who can change that. It has to start with the individual.

Wow, my comment about fat people triggered a bit of a wave of posts.

Truth be told in many ways the only people to blame for being fat are the fat people. And, to be clear, I write as a fat person myself. As someone (I think ian) said earlier there are fat people in the UK but they take it to a whole new level in the USA.

In the UK when my weight went somewhere over 20 stone (once the scale read more than 280 I stopped weighing myself because I didn't like the news the scale gave me) I started to find it harder to find clothes that fit me. I needed formal trousers for work and as soon as I reached a point where a 42" waist was too tight I struggled to find anything suitable with a 44" waist. That was something of a wake-up call that it was time to shed a bit of weight. Whose fault was it that I was fat? Mine, and mine alone. Nobody forced me to eat chocolate and cake, nobody prevented me from going out and exercising. I chose both courses of action.

When I was the wrong side of 20 stone I could still visit the US and feel positively slim by comparison to some of the folks here. On another cycling forum I used a while back there were people who had lost 200+ pounds and were still overweight. Seriously, think what someone who weighs 18 stone looks like, and then picture somebody literally twice that weight. Some people get heavier than that. Of course here there isn't the wake-up call of not being able to find clothes that fit - it doesn't seem to be an issue if you want jeans with a 58" waist.

Up to a point it's true to say that in food terms the junk is the cheapest. But the example I used was at a fair, where somebody who was practically spherical was eating a jumbo size bag of popcorn and the biggest ice cream I'd seen in a long time. This is fair food we're talking about, and if money is tight you don't eat fair food. You know, you can buy two jumbo family size packs of double-stuf Oreos for $6, or you can buy five deep-fried Oreos for $5. So while that argument may hold some water in general it doesn't work to say that poor people lack the choices, when the clearly do have the choice to not pay through the nose for junk at the fair.

Even then in many ways it's too easy to make excuses and blame Someone Else for the choices I made. When I was at my fattest (and I'm not exactly a featherweight now) I could come up with all sorts of reasons why I didn't eat more healthily and why I didn't exercise. But the fact is that I made choices, and those choices had consequences. Ruthie mentioned the question of whether fat people like being fat, and in my case the answer was definitely no. But the flipside to the answer is that I didn't dislike being fat enough to do anything about it. Did I want to be thinner than I was? Oh yes. Did I want to make the lifestyle changes to make it happen? Obviously not at the time, or I would have made them. And there's the kicker, in more ways than one I wanted to have my cake and eat it. It's no good whinging saying "I don't want to be fat any more" unless you're going to take steps to change things.

Naturally people with mobility issues don't have the same choices the rest of us do when it comes to how much exercise to take. I can choose to go for a long hike in the way a wheelchair user just can't, and it's not as if most wheelchair users can suddenly decide that they're sick of being unable to walk any distance and changing their predicament. But even though that represents a lack of choice, the choice of what goes in their mouth is still the same.

I know very well how gaining weight makes exercise appear less and less desirable. When you're sufficiently fat and unfit that going up the stairs seems like an effort it does take a degree of willpower to break the cycle. But instead of blaming anyone and everyone else for their predicament the only solution is to do something about it. Nobody else can eat less for you, nobody else can exercise for you, so the obvious thing to do is make small changes that add up. Someone doesn't get to be 500+ pounds in a week so they won't go back to being 180 pounds in a week but every time they get to Saturday weighing less than they did the previous Sunday they make progress.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 12, 2015, 09:53:25 pm
Oh my friends, this week is not going well. The other night I chanced it with a dubious looking courgette and that didn't go in my favour. That went through me like a tsunami. The thing is that I've not being shopping for an age because my wife is on bear patrol in the Rockies and I can't drive the car because I have the attention span of a midge so the fridge is getting more and more interesting. There's stuff in the bottom drawer that has evolved to point of sentience. Close it and leave us alone, it says. Oh and turn out the bloody light.

I have just risked an inventory and discovered some parmesan cheese that's yet to get lively, a jar of mayonnaise (best before July 15, but I'll assume that's 3015), a jar of wholegrain mustard that I bought the other week, a jar of semi-safe pickles, a cucumber, some limes, grapes, a peach, two mangoes, a lettuce that reminds me of a limp and drowned Ophelia, a couple of radishes and I'm sure I've not bought a radish for years, and some beetroot that promises to be good until November at which point its seething resentment boils over into purple rage. When beetroot goes bad. There's a load of beer, of course, a fridge is not a fridge without beer. There's imperial stout for pudding at least.

There's a meal of champions in there. I have some tins of tuna but opening one of those risks cat-geddon. I have to open two tins and throw one sacrificially out of the back door. There's some sweetcorn that's labelled in marker pen with 'don't even think about eating me'. My wife's handwriting is only legible when she's telling me not to do something. Muesli. I evidently eat a lot of muesli. A jar of harissa paste. Sundry rices and pasta. Quinoa, oh that died in May 2014. Do people eat quinoa or merely buy it so other people think they eat quinoa? I don't even know if I like it. I'm still smarting from the buckwheat kasha that started this thread, the one that tasted like soil from my own grave.

Beyond that it's the beer coffin (it's not an actual coffin, it's a trunk, but it's a perfect fit for my corpse, so when I pass my best-before date they can put me in it and bury out back under a pile of buckwheat kasha) which is admirably well stocked and the gin cupboard (you don't want to know how many bottles). The cocktail cabinet. It's like a wino heaven. Damnit, the Unicum is still in there.

I think I need a stiff drink before the another evening of perilous gastronomy. I should have gone to the pub.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ruthie on September 12, 2015, 09:59:16 pm
You need JustEat.

Men will bring hot food to your door.  No, honestly, it's a thing. 
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 12, 2015, 10:12:30 pm
I always find takeaway ineffably disappointing. Curry that doesn't just look like sludge. Pizzas someone has probably sneezed on and charged me £1.50 for the extra topping. I sorted the leaflets and waved each one at the cat. She shook her head to each. I think she senses a tuna proximity alert. There's a voice in my mind. Open the tuna. Open the tuna. I think bad cat may be telepathic. What are the odds my wife knows how many tins of sweetcorn she has stashed (it's 'salad crisp' apparently)? Oh I'm sure she has a very precise inventory (eight tins btw). She probably has satellites tasked to keep tabs on it.

I have reserved the cucumber for gin purposes and eaten the pickles.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on September 12, 2015, 10:16:34 pm
Ian, please can I have a list of what's in your gin cupboard? Enquiring minds need to know.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on September 12, 2015, 10:29:07 pm
You need JustEat.

Men will bring hot food to your door.  No, honestly, it's a thing.

I suggested hungryhouse.co.uk to Wow when he was home alone and believe this was successful.

Online grocery shopping suits me fine too. I can refer to my shopping list whilst clicking on my selections without having trolleys ram my calves and hearing whiny kids.

Arranging your slaves online is a 21st century luxury.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Hot Flatus on September 13, 2015, 07:38:11 am
I heard an amazing statistic last week.  Type 2 Diabetes treatment costs 10% of the NHS budget and the spend is predicted to nearly double over the next 25 years.

That is roughly double the cost to the NHS of smoking related illnesses.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 13, 2015, 12:02:59 pm
I heard an amazing statistic last week.  Type 2 Diabetes treatment costs 10% of the NHS budget and the spend is predicted to nearly double over the next 25 years.

That is roughly double the cost to the NHS of smoking related illnesses.

Oh, the diabetes thing is huge, and will conflate with lots of other obesity and other diet-related problems. Future generations are looking at a shorter lifespan than currently and more poor quality end-of-life years.

Like air pollution (which doesn't kill people, it merely results in more deaths, and thus is euthanasia made popular) there's no government response other than a shrug and hold a meeting with their friends in industry, who are always happy to help out, especially if it creates a product space (so we have green Coke placed as a healthier alternative). Medical professions seem more interested in their own wellbeing than that of their patients.

At least with tobacco we did something, if too slowly and often ineffectively, and we continue to do something. That's gone from other spheres of public health.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 13, 2015, 12:21:58 pm
You need JustEat.

Men will bring hot food to your door.  No, honestly, it's a thing.

I suggested hungryhouse.co.uk to Wow when he was home alone and believe this was successful.

Online grocery shopping suits me fine too. I can refer to my shopping list whilst clicking on my selections without having trolleys ram my calves and hearing whiny kids.

Arranging your slaves online is a 21st century luxury.

I don't like online shopping, it's like staggering around a supermarket blind-folded. I don't know where stuff is and their categorisation schemes are arcane. Is it groceries or dry goods, and then assumes I know what I want, which I really, really don't because I randomly grab stuff and toss it in the trolley and then my wife take it back out when I'm not looking. This process usually results in shop that has some utility. I don't do recipes I just make things up from whatever is to hand, so there's no organisation beyond by a lot of veg and fruit and – oh look – chocolate tea bags. Then I have to face-up stock and tut at something, as my first junior job was apprentice deputy assistant to the the dogsbody at the local Coop, and man can I still stack a shelf.

Last night came to an epic battle between a new Indian takeaway and the remaining tins of tuna. Bad cat, biased by the fact she's tuna-crazy, was pretty keen we go the ways of tins, and because I hate that sensation of optimism when you order a curry that promises to be cooked by award winning chefs (yeah, just back from winning the cornish pasty awards I'm sure) and be full of fresh flavours and then it arrives and it's usual coloured sludge that tastes primarily of disappointment and despair. So the tuna won out and we ate it all. There's about three extra cats in my garden this morning looking for the buffet.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 13, 2015, 12:28:57 pm
Ian, please can I have a list of what's in your gin cupboard? Enquiring minds need to know.

It's probably easier to ask what I don't have. When I started this quest I didn't believe there could be so many gins and frankly they're reproducing at a rate we can't keep up with. It started by bringing bottles of gin back from the various travels, then other people started bringing them back for us, and then came the internet. International terrorism put a damper on foreign acquisitions through the stupid liquids policy. I've have a bottle of Malawi's finest gin now if it wasn't for that.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 15, 2015, 06:04:03 pm
Bastard hot peppers. Bastard, bastard, bastard hot peppers.

Don't get me wrong, I love hot peppers. Just not some of their effects. And before you think I'm talking about a weapons-grade anal explosion that makes me thankful I left it in the hallowed bogs at Walmart rather than in my own porcelain, it's not that at all.

I spent two hours cutting and processing a mixture of Carolina Reaper peppers and scorpion peppers. A friend owns a business that makes hot sauces, and he had 100+ lb of peppers to deal with, so I went to help him. Naturally you wear gloves when handling peppers like that, especially when you're deseeding them and handling the placenta tissue. But when it came to taking the gloves off, the brief touch of my right thumb on my left wrist to remove the glove created a burning that lasted for hours.

So back to the original premise, bastard hot peppers.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 15, 2015, 06:23:53 pm
There's worse things than wrists, I once sliced up a big handful of peppers for some fissile assembly of ingredients and then with a brief rinse of my hands decided then was a good time to remove my contact lenses. It really wasn't a good time.

There's worse, I know a lady who, under the liberation of liquor, confessed that a previous boyfriend had touched her more delicate tropical regions after similar. I think that was possibly the point he became previous. There's probably an entire sexual subculture of people pepper-spraying their love bobbits that I don't want to know about.

Of course, it seems a rite of passage for men to do similar with their penis. Possibly because boys are always tomfooling down there (one hopes not so much in the kitchen, though perhaps that's how Little Chef came to be known as little). I confess I've avoided this fate (both manhandling myself in the kitchen and peppering my penis) and long may such good fortune endure.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on September 16, 2015, 10:50:03 am
There's worse, I know a lady who, under the liberation of liquor, confessed that a previous boyfriend had touched her more delicate tropical regions after similar. I think that was possibly the point he became previous.
BTDT
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on September 16, 2015, 12:17:14 pm
There's worse things than wrists…


I like Super Chili, because it's available as a growing plant and has a good flavour. It's rated at 50,000 Scoville Units, so it's a bit frisky.

I make sure that I have a pee before cooking… and wait as long as possible after dinner. Washing my hands well enough to remove onion and garlic odour doesn't help with the chili residue.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on September 16, 2015, 03:09:01 pm
Washing dishes by hand, without wearing gloves, is the best way of getting nasty/pungent substances of the paws IME, if they are water-slouble
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 16, 2015, 03:50:45 pm
Soak your hands and/or love bobbits in a bucket of acetonitrile or aprotic polar solvent of choice (not DMSO as it makes your tongue taste funny after you touch it).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on September 17, 2015, 09:39:50 am
Washing dishes by hand, without wearing gloves, is the best way of getting nasty/pungent substances of the paws IME, if they are water-slouble

Thank you.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on September 17, 2015, 09:40:26 am
Soak your hands and/or love bobbits in a bucket of acetonitrile or aprotic polar solvent of choice (not DMSO as it makes your tongue taste funny after you touch it).

I think I'll sit down!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 17, 2015, 10:04:49 pm
DMSO is great because if you stick your finger in it a few seconds later you taste it. Goes straight through your skin and pops up on your tongue. It doesn't taste very nice though.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 21, 2015, 01:24:02 am
There's worse things than wrists, I once sliced up a big handful of peppers for some fissile assembly of ingredients and then with a brief rinse of my hands decided then was a good time to remove my contact lenses. It really wasn't a good time.

There's worse, I know a lady who, under the liberation of liquor, confessed that a previous boyfriend had touched her more delicate tropical regions after similar. I think that was possibly the point he became previous. There's probably an entire sexual subculture of people pepper-spraying their love bobbits that I don't want to know about.

Of course, it seems a rite of passage for men to do similar with their penis. Possibly because boys are always tomfooling down there (one hopes not so much in the kitchen, though perhaps that's how Little Chef came to be known as little). I confess I've avoided this fate (both manhandling myself in the kitchen and peppering my penis) and long may such good fortune endure.

I've managed similar experiences (eyes not wedding vegetables, thankfully) after drying and breaking up a harvest of cayenne peppers and then forgetting what I'd done before rubbing my eyes. The guy whose peppers I cut up managed to wipe his face with the same bandana he previously used to wipe up the juice from 50lb of scorpion peppers. From what he said I don't think he found the experience entirely enjoyable.

Given how easily it's done I can't say I'm surprised that people can get intimate (with themselves or with others) and transfer capsaicin to areas that really weren't designed to be the target for transferal of capsaicin. Sometimes it does seem like a case of "there but for the grace of God..."
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 21, 2015, 01:26:29 am
There's worse things than wrists…


I like Super Chili, because it's available as a growing plant and has a good flavour. It's rated at 50,000 Scoville Units, so it's a bit frisky.

50,000?

A good habanero clocks many times that and also has a good flavour. Some of the superhots run to seven figures and have a reasonable flavour, if you can taste it over the heat. You really don't want to be rubbing those anywhere at all, even getting the juice from those peppers on your hands hurts.

I make sure that I have a pee before cooking… and wait as long as possible after dinner. Washing my hands well enough to remove onion and garlic odour doesn't help with the chili residue.
[/quote]
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 21, 2015, 04:33:30 am
This came up for discussion during one of the long periods o milling about which take place between speed runs at Battle Mountain.  One of our number once got some in her eye; a nearby Hispanic type deftly wiped the injured eye with the victim's hair which did the trick.  This works better if, like Alice, you have hair down to the small of your back.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 21, 2015, 04:35:53 am
Bend OR is big enough to support a divided highway section of US-97 anna large branch of Target anna Volvo dealership so why the actual fuck is the nearest branch of Pizza Hut nearly twenty sodding miles away?  Grrr!

#firstworldproblem
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 21, 2015, 09:50:51 am
Bend OR is big enough to support a divided highway section of US-97 anna large branch of Target anna Volvo dealership so why the actual fuck is the nearest branch of Pizza Hut nearly twenty sodding miles away?  Grrr!

#firstworldproblem

Surely a branch of IHOP has sprouted mushroom-like from the roadside?

OTOH, I've never met anyone who's eaten there, and they assure everyone they don't just to pancakes. Change your fucking name then.

I ate some lentils at the end of last week (oh, they were there in a svelte little salad, how bad could it be). That's my rant. You can stuff your gluten intolerance, the lot of you, the seismic rumblings in my gut have attracted helicopter new crews. The aftermath is best not discussed. No more beans.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 21, 2015, 05:54:29 pm
Bend OR is big enough to support a divided highway section of US-97 anna large branch of Target anna Volvo dealership so why the actual fuck is the nearest branch of Pizza Hut nearly twenty sodding miles away?  Grrr!

#firstworldproblem

So you can spend a little more time sitting on your ass before sitting on your ass eating your required 5000 calories in a greasy low grade pizza?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 22, 2015, 06:41:10 am
Omak WA does have a Pizza Hut so my long pizza drought is at an and.  I aten't seen an IHOP since the first morning I was over here, but I did have breakfast in it and while a pancake or two was part of the deal the main thing was a plateful of Stuffs that mostly proved that Canadians have a lot to learn about fry-ups.

Now, why do the "in-room tea and coffee making facilities" here have only one sachet of sugar and thirteen of foul zero-calorie sweetener?  It's enough to make you want to skullfuck a dead pig.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 22, 2015, 07:31:10 pm
No, don't. DON'T. Not the in-room tea and coffee making facilities. It's a trap. I only once made that mistake and the result tasted like I'd used Tutankhamun as a teabag. I think those facilities had last been cleaned and used back in the second dynasty. I remember running around the room making a ack-ack sound and desperate for something, anything to drink and finding only $7 bottle of water. I'd rather die than pay $7 dollar for water. The tap water tasted like it had been used to clean engine parts, so that only left the minibar. On the grounds that American civilisation teeters and could be sent reeling into the abyss if anyone under the age of twenty one even sees an alcoholic beverage, American hotel minibars are more secure than Fort Knox. I'm spitting bits of Tutankhamun's bandaid and trying to get the key in the lock and break the minibar's security seal while slowly feeling my insides mummify. This is why Americans have guns. To get in the fucking minibar.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 23, 2015, 02:49:05 am
Fortunately I don't stay in the kind of places that have minibars anyway...  The Brown Drink available in the room was an order of magnitude better than the ozard muck in the dining room this morning though.  But I actually wanted the sugar to put in my tea, having brought with me a travel kettle and a box of Yorkshire teabags.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on September 23, 2015, 03:13:30 pm
A 35mm film canister filled with white crystals might be you next travelling friend.
Or might excite the attention of Jobsworth Borderguards
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 24, 2015, 02:19:57 am
I doned five crossings of the USAnia/Canuckistan border so far this trip, though only four of them came equipped with a Person with a Gun as Mr Obambi doesn't care who goes to Hyder AK.  Only one of them has even asked to look in the boot.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 24, 2015, 05:02:55 am

Speaking of which, I had some fun the day I accidentally crossed the Canada-US border at the Niagara Falls due to taking a wrong turning. Having turned around in the US and gone back over the bridge, of course Canadian immigration was ready to greet me. So there I was, speaking with a British accent and driving a car with Florida plates explaining why I only planned to be in Canada for about half an hour. That was interesting, although thankfully nobody felt the need for me to talk to the nice men with the long rubber gloves.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 24, 2015, 08:53:03 am
As someone who once had to be rescued from life as a bridge troll on the Canada-US border, I'm always scared. It's what happens when you get caught between two sets of people who like to dress up in uniforms. Unless it's a cosplay sex game, in which case I imagine there's a larger dry cleaning bill and less bureaucracy.

A friend and I once drove down to Point Roberts and spent a happy fifteen minutes jumping back and forth over the US-Canada border. I declared war on Canada on behalf of the US with a pre-emptive barrage of pine cones. She then kicked dirt over the yellow kerbstone into the US. Canadian dirt. Things escalated from there, as wars so often do, to become known as the Battle of the 49th Parallel. Fortunately no border guards stumbled across two people pelting one another with pine cones and acorns across an international border as I'm sure there are international statutes about that sort of thing. Unfortunately, after taking an acorn in the eye, the US had to cede victory to a rather smug Canadian, and forever there will remain a little bit more Canadian dirt in US territory.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 24, 2015, 04:08:11 pm
I've redressed the balance by bringing a good deal of the Nevada desert into Canada on the flanks of my motor-car, where it has subsequently been washed off by the rain.  If it wasn't raining I'd likely visit Point Roberts but it is raining and seems set to do so all day so I'm going over the mountains to where it's drier, armed only with a box of chocolate chip biscuits, to slow down the bears while I make my escape.

They call this part of BC the Sunshine Coast.  Ha fucking Ha.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 24, 2015, 05:29:43 pm
I think 'Sunshine Coast' was always intended to be a joke and demonstrate that Canadians have clung to a finely honed sense of irony. I actually got so wet once on Bowen Island that I was chased by a dolphin down the street and onto the ferry.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 26, 2015, 11:49:12 pm
We have chicken with rice or vegetarian pasta, said the Nice Lady in the blue uniform.  I chose the former.  It was like I'd travelled forty years back in time, to the days when airline food was the most feared anti-comsymp weapon in the CIA's export portfolio.

Also world+dog should eschew the soi-disant "Seattle's Best Coffee" franchise.  Not only for charging ten dollars for a ham sandwich and a cup of "coffee" but also because the name is blatant bollocks.  Unless it isn't, of course, in which case any claims Seattle has to being a hotbed of caffeinated excellence are founded on a thick and squishy mulch of Lie.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 27, 2015, 12:20:40 pm
Yeahbut, in Seattle there's like an intersection and there's a Starbucks on every corner! Someone told me that once in a very excitable voice that made it sound like he had precisely twenty breaths left until he died and he wanted to ensure those were the final words that passed over his lips. I should have hit him with a shovel and made it so. You excite me not with such a statement. I'm not particularly against Starbucks coffee, it has its taste, but it's just part of the brown bilgewater tsunami that has washed across every city. When did it become normal to pay £2.50 for a cup of coffee? When did barista become a profession? Why does every shop now had a small steam engine chugging in the back? Even the mothership has guest 'baristas' barnacling up reception. OK, I like that one and you would too if you'd crossed beverages with any of the motherships' coffeebots. These were parented by 1980's era KLIX vending machines, the ones that micturated the hot fluorescent orange drink. As far as I know that was a less a drink more a symphony of e-numbers. As a child when I drank one of those (there was a KLIX machine standing sentry at the swimming pool), I had no memory of the succeeding thirty minutes, till I woke up in a ditch à la Hulk and noted the world still had a curious orange tinge, or possibly that was my skin. Sadly the mothership's coffeebots don't do orange but they do encourage a lot of people to go next door to Costa, or if they're posh, one of those New Zealand gravel straining operations around the corner. OK, some credit to the chains for knocking over the styrofoam cup of Nescafe Cheap-n-Nasty instant that preceded them.

I'm not sure if 'Seattle's Best' is chutzpah or desperation. It's like 'Perfect Fried Chicken' – now that's a claim. There's a sliding scale of fried chicken shop braggadocio, from perfection down to 'Tennessee's Best' (I think I drove through Tennessee precisely once, I don't remember the chicken). The formula State + Superlative + Chicken stretches all the down to Florida where it can dip its toes in the Keys and claim 'Florida's Best Chicken.' While the South is admittedly the home of deep frying, unfortunate chickens, and racism, I'm pretty sure Florida isn't really the South. Florida's Finest Cuban Sandwich would be better, methinks.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 27, 2015, 12:29:17 pm
I meant to say something on the subject of airplane food which still occupies that niche where they just tell you the kind of meat or define it as vegetable, and provide no further description. I always wanted to start a restaurant on that basis. Just three items on the menu. Chicken, beef, or vegetable. And we don't have any chicken.

Someone will probably tell me this already exists up Shoreditch way.

Unless you travel first where everything comes with exotic descriptions all the way down to the parentage of its ingredients. It still tastes like airplane food.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 27, 2015, 04:14:18 pm
They call this part of BC the Sunshine Coast.  Ha fucking Ha.

The sun does shine on that coast. Just not that part of that coast.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 27, 2015, 06:36:23 pm
They call this part of BC the Sunshine Coast.  Ha fucking Ha.

The sun does shine on that coast. Just not that part of that coast.

Presumably it only shines on the uninhabited bits?

Emily the SatNav claimed that Squamish was two metres below sea level; my new chum Ursula said "Oh, yes, they just had a big flood there!" so Emily may even have been right.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on September 27, 2015, 11:56:24 pm
As someone who once had to be rescued from life as a bridge troll on the Canada-US border, I'm always scared. It's what happens when you get caught between two sets of people who like to dress up in uniforms. Unless it's a cosplay sex game, in which case I imagine there's a larger dry cleaning bill and less bureaucracy.

A friend and I once drove down to Point Roberts and spent a happy fifteen minutes jumping back and forth over the US-Canada border. I declared war on Canada on behalf of the US with a pre-emptive barrage of pine cones. She then kicked dirt over the yellow kerbstone into the US. Canadian dirt. Things escalated from there, as wars so often do, to become known as the Battle of the 49th Parallel. Fortunately no border guards stumbled across two people pelting one another with pine cones and acorns across an international border as I'm sure there are international statutes about that sort of thing. Unfortunately, after taking an acorn in the eye, the US had to cede victory to a rather smug Canadian, and forever there will remain a little bit more Canadian dirt in US territory.

Be careful about dissing baristas ian. The dude that does his thaing at ICEbike every year makes a fecking good cup of Java :thumbsup:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 28, 2015, 04:52:12 am
They call this part of BC the Sunshine Coast.  Ha fucking Ha.

The sun does shine on that coast. Just not that part of that coast.

Presumably it only shines on the uninhabited bits?

Emily the SatNav claimed that Squamish was two metres below sea level; my new chum Ursula said "Oh, yes, they just had a big flood there!" so Emily may even have been right.

I guess if you go far enough south you get to somewhere the sun has been known to shine, even if only once when nobody was looking.

GPS elevation estimates are usually good for a laugh. When I walked or cycled a circular route it was remarkable how my total ascent and total descent varied by anything up to 1000 feet. Since I never dug a hole that deep and still can't quite figure out how to levitate I had to wonder. Not that this has anything to do with food, although any warping of the gravitational field caused by the sheer mass of the person ahead of me in the queue for a super-jumbo-monster sized ice cream this afternoon could have explained such things.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on September 28, 2015, 01:39:57 pm
I woke this morning feeling a bit groggy.

Decided to have a day sick.

Ate breakfast, lounged around, did nowt.

Come lunchtime, I made Mrs T her lunch (she is WfH today), but didn't feel like eating myself.

After about 1/2 hour of her finishing her lunch, I decided I had better make myself something, so had a sandwich.

Now I can't stop eating! How does that work? From not hungry to unsatiable in one easy step?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on September 28, 2015, 02:07:54 pm
Now I can't stop eating! How does that work? From not hungry to unsatiable in one easy step?

That's normal for me.  I only really feel hunger if I've eaten recently.  If I go a long time without food, I actively don't want to eat (but know that if I do, after a while I'll feel less sick).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on September 29, 2015, 09:15:39 am
Food Technology. For those without children of the appropriate age, this is the current term for Domestic Science or Home Economics, ie cooking things in class. This requires you to buy ingredients you would never normally allow purchase and which you will never use again, such as
(click to show/hide)
And then the kids don't even get to eat it in class, where they might perhaps compare different versions, they're expected to bring it home. I guess teachers have to take revenge on parents somehow.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on September 29, 2015, 01:05:28 pm
Missus brought home some very handsome "bio" plums all done up in a fancy box.  No amount of washing will remove the taste of mould.

Give me Round-Up any day.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 29, 2015, 05:26:01 pm
Can you even buy proper margarine - the stuff made from boiled cows and Chemicals - any more?  Everything seems to be either heavily-mutated olive oil or variations on the theme of not-butter.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 29, 2015, 06:44:56 pm
Ah, Stork Margarine. I think that was fish oil and petroleum industry biproducts. As students used to liberally butter slabs of fat white toast and apply posters to the wall. Rumours of its use as a sexual lubricant are, I hope, unfounded. But needs must as needs want.

On other matters, aubergines. Where does the jury stand on aubergines?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on September 29, 2015, 06:49:56 pm
Ah, Stork Margarine. I think that was fish oil and petroleum industry biproducts. As students used to liberally butter slabs of fat white toast and apply posters to the wall. Rumours of its use as a sexual lubricant are, I hope, unfounded. But needs must as needs want.

On other matters, aubergines. Where does the jury stand on aubergines?

Aubergines have their place. Ideally on someone else's plate. Or, better yet, as ballast or projectile weapons.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 29, 2015, 06:53:08 pm
On other matters, aubergines. Where does the jury stand on aubergines?

As a Son of York I ought to be in favour of them but in reality they don't do anything that can't be done more cheaply with the Humble Potato.  And I have yet to see Hash Purples (and hope fervently that I never do) though I expect that e'en now someone with a shovel-shaped beard is experimenting in a Hoxton basement.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on September 29, 2015, 07:09:41 pm
Ah, Stork Margarine. I think that was fish oil and petroleum industry biproducts. As students used to liberally butter slabs of fat white toast and apply posters to the wall. Rumours of its use as a sexual lubricant are, I hope, unfounded. But needs must as needs want.

On other matters, aubergines. Where does the jury stand on aubergines?

The aubergine is a fine beast, whether prepared in Indian, middle eastern or Provençal style. Mmm, aubergines.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Raj on September 29, 2015, 07:26:32 pm
The aubergine is a fine beast, whether prepared in Indian, middle eastern or Provençal style. Mmm, aubergines.

Amen to that ... As a Briton of Indian origin, I can vouch for the fact that the Aubergine is highly underrated in the West.
Look up Baingan Bharta and give it a try. Exquisitely simple ... exceedingly tasty !!!  :D

http://www.vegrecipesofindia.com/baingan-bharta-recipe-punjabi-baingan-bharta-recipe
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on September 29, 2015, 07:42:43 pm
The aubergine is a fine beast, whether prepared in Indian, middle eastern or Provençal style. Mmm, aubergines.

Amen to that ... As a Briton of Indian origin, I can vouch for the fact that the Aubergine is highly underrated in the West.
Look up Baingan Bharta and give it a try. Exquisitely simple ... exceedingly tasty !!!  :D

http://www.vegrecipesofindia.com/baingan-bharta-recipe-punjabi-baingan-bharta-recipe

Luckily I managed to marry a Bengali, a people whom do seem to understand how to fettle an aubergine to the highest culinary heights!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 29, 2015, 08:01:21 pm
I remain unconvinced, they always seem a bit bland and spongy and are usually found lying flaccid in a puddle of sauce and oil. The vegetable that didn't try. I mean they look like they might be exciting in the shop but they're all a bit of a let down once you've cooked them. The only way to get any flavour in them seems to be marinate for six weeks, set fire to them or marry a Bengali. Possibly all three. Broccoli is easier.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on September 29, 2015, 08:12:12 pm
On other matters, aubergines. Where does the jury stand on aubergines?
I am very much in favour, in curries or tagines or imam bayildi.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: TheLurker on September 29, 2015, 08:24:26 pm
On other matters, aubergines. Where does the jury stand on aubergines?
When thinly sliced and fried in a thin coating of batter they are thing of wonder*, likewise when turned into a dip having first been char-grilled they are sublime then again as ballast in mousaka and briam (rather like ratatouille) they do a first rate job, but I can take 'em or leave 'em when they're served as papoutsakia.

*Knock fried** bread and, or spam fritters into a cocked hat. Hoh yus.

**Frying.  The _only_ way to prepare food _properly_.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on September 29, 2015, 08:36:52 pm
On other matters, aubergines. Where does the jury stand on aubergines?
When thinly sliced and fried in a thin coating of batter they are thing of wonder*, likewise when turned into a dip having first been char-grilled they are sublime then again as ballast in mousaka and briam (rather like ratatouille) they do a first rate job, but I can take 'em or leave 'em when they're served as papoutsakia.

*Knock fried** bread and, or spam fritters into a cocked hat. Hoh yus.

**Frying.  The _only_ way to prepare food _properly_.
My bold.
This.
An ex of mine used to do them this way, and they were indeed, sublime.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on September 29, 2015, 09:42:07 pm
On other matters, aubergines. Where does the jury stand on aubergines?

As a Son of York I ought to be in favour of them but in reality they don't do anything that can't be done more cheaply with the Humble Potato.

I find it difficult to believe that you could turn a Maris Piper into a satisfactory Baba Ganoush.

'Course, I would be delighted to be proven wrong, especially if such proof was in the form of samples.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 29, 2015, 10:07:23 pm
Well, the alchemy of frying can turn even the most undesirable elements of a fridge or larder to salivalicious delectability. But that's cheating especially if you microtome them into sylphy wisps of vegetable and then gild them with batter or breadcrumb (though ye gods no panko crumb). There's no cheating allowed in this thread. I'm talking big slabs of sloppy aubergine served like flappy frisbees. I've probably been cursed by the Demon of Eggplant Parmigiana. It happens.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rr on September 29, 2015, 10:59:13 pm
The aubergine is a fine beast, whether prepared in Indian, middle eastern or Provençal style. Mmm, aubergines.

Amen to that ... As a Briton of Indian origin, I can vouch for the fact that the Aubergine is highly underrated in the West.
Look up Baingan Bharta and give it a try. Exquisitely simple ... exceedingly tasty !!!  :D

http://www.vegrecipesofindia.com/baingan-bharta-recipe-punjabi-baingan-bharta-recipe

Luckily I managed to marry a Bengali, a people whom do seem to understand how to fettle an aubergine to the highest culinary heights!

As do mu Rajistani in-laws
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Clare on September 29, 2015, 11:39:39 pm
Aubergines are fucking hideous.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on September 29, 2015, 11:57:49 pm
You cannot fry Aubergines. They soak oil up and should really be used for oil spills at sea.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 30, 2015, 02:09:13 am
I remain unconvinced, they always seem a bit bland and spongy and are usually found lying flaccid in a puddle of sauce and oil. The vegetable that didn't try. I mean they look like they might be exciting in the shop but they're all a bit of a let down once you've cooked them. The only way to get any flavour in them seems to be marinate for six weeks, set fire to them or marry a Bengali. Possibly all three. Broccoli is easier.

Broccoli certainly burns better, unless the aubergine has been soaked in the right kind of oil (see Jaded's post).  But you might just as well use the oil for something useful, like making chips, or fuelling a small-block Chevy.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 30, 2015, 09:45:39 am
I sense a parting of the ways, maybe I've levered open the great vegetable schism, let the aubergenie out of the lamp. What exactly does aubergine taste of? That's my problem. Even an avocado manages to taste like disappointment. Aubergine is just a sponge and you may as not bother if you've got to soak it in enough oil that it'll pass as an Alaskan seabird. It's another of those vegetables that gets dressed up for the party, looks like it might be fun, but is in fact quite dull.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Legs on September 30, 2015, 10:06:54 am
I can't prepare aubergines, nay, even walk past one, without getting these gravelly tones (accompanied by strident brass section), lodged in my head:
Quote from: some Smoggie
This is the naked truth
This is the light
There's only one place left to go...
Aubergine (ba ba ba ba-da bah, ba ba ba ba ba da ba-da...)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: pcolbeck on September 30, 2015, 10:14:37 am
Aubergines are fucking hideous.

They are a nice shade of purple though.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on September 30, 2015, 10:39:49 am
You cannot fry Aubergines. They soak oil up and should really be used for oil spills at sea.
That's part of the point of aubergines. They are the vegetable equivalent of sliced white bread; it only exists as a sponge-like carrier for fat.

Instead of a fried slice, try a fried aubergine. You can fool yourself you are eating one of your five a day while indulging in food so greasy it could fuel a Volkswagen.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on September 30, 2015, 10:52:11 am
That's what scares me a bit, that little smudgy cube of aubergine resting on top of your curry probably contains more oil than the middle-east.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on September 30, 2015, 11:00:33 am
Aubergines are fucking hideous.

I am with Clare on this one.

Best way to prepare Aubergines?

"Get ready, Aubergines"
Open bin
Insert Aubergines into bin.
Job done.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: lahoski on September 30, 2015, 11:18:35 am
The key to a non-greasy aubergine is to char slices on a ridged griddle pan. Then chuck it in a sauce to finish it off. Or in a sandwich with harissa and tahini. Fuck yeah.

That said... berenjenas fritas con miel is possibly the best tapa EVER. If it's with proper miel that is. Although I have a weird liking for that treacly black shit cheap restaurants use.

Aubergines are hideous? Excuse me?

(http://www.auberginerecipes.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/aubergine-preparing.jpg)

Mmm... yum.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on September 30, 2015, 11:37:17 am
Aubergines are both delicious and beautiful.

Can you even buy proper margarine - the stuff made from boiled cows and Chemicals - any more?  Everything seems to be either heavily-mutated olive oil or variations on the theme of not-butter.
Not sure. The thing returned to the bottom of the fridge list as its ingredients: vegetable oils, buttermilk, cream. So almost butter but not quite. I only bought it cos it was the cheapest, but I think I did spot Stork on the stupormarket shelves.*

Anyway, the shortbread he made with it turned rather delicious. Really very, very good indeed. The fruit salad wasn't bad either (no, it did not contain margarine).

But there's still the question of bringing things home. Next week they're making eggs on toast ( ???) and a future 'project' will be pizza; both things which really need to be eaten hot and don't take well to being warmed up. Still, eggs is eggses is good.

*Look! A whole kilo of it! (http://www.sainsburys.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/gb/groceries/stork-margarine-1kg?langId=44&storeId=10151&krypto=0I6fjaxwLgentRn99X4sTK%2BKt7ioBcAbb%2FC8WCn1ull6osAxpXhcVVkC%2BY3b5B9%2B7A0ja2chyN9J%0A3H9x4i2yzjltcxMEuQEpHMccZtgvvGioY7UzczpCYHNJcTIwYe6G&ddkey=http:gb/groceries/stork-margarine-1kg)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on September 30, 2015, 11:40:09 am
Tesco Finest candyfloss grapes.  :sick: :sick: :sick:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 30, 2015, 12:14:34 pm
(http://www.auberginerecipes.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/aubergine-preparing.jpg)

lahoski old chap, are those vegetables or sex toys?

Cyril Fletcher would be wetting himself.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on September 30, 2015, 03:34:36 pm
Aubergines? Lovely. Mind the thorns though........
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Plug1n on September 30, 2015, 09:07:24 pm
Tesco Finest candyfloss grapes.  :sick: :sick: :sick:

I agree.  We got some Tesco ones last weekend which were yucky.  However, Sainsbury candy floss grapes the week before were like distilled nectar.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on October 04, 2015, 04:54:37 am
The key to a non-greasy aubergine is to char slices on a ridged griddle pan. Then chuck it in a sauce to finish it off. Or in a sandwich with harissa and tahini. Fuck yeah.

That said... berenjenas fritas con miel is possibly the best tapa EVER. If it's with proper miel that is. Although I have a weird liking for that treacly black shit cheap restaurants use.

Aubergines are hideous? Excuse me?

(http://www.auberginerecipes.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/aubergine-preparing.jpg)

Mmm... yum.

Being easy on the eye is no guarantee of being easy on the stomach. I personally love the look of the Lamborghini Aventador Roadster but I'm not sure that eating one would be a good idea. Aubergines are much the same - a well formed one may be pleasing to behold but the relationship needs to begin and end there. Unlike the Lamborghini it's not even as if you can do anything useful with an aubergine.

Here in the rural USA people use pumpkins to decorate their homes at this time of year. Closer to Halloween there are, naturally, large numbers of unsold pumpkins floating about. Rather than adopting the pathetic approach of UK retailers who drop the price again and again until finally they offer mouldy pumpkins for 50p in the middle of November, here they do something far more fun. Enter Punkin Chunkin, a chance to combine the love of weapons ancient and modern with an overabundance of suitable projectiles. Yes, you too can stand in a field watching hillbillies fire pumpkins with a variety of air cannons, trebuchets and the like.

Sadly aubergines not only fail to meet the shape requirements of a good projectile but "Eggplant Chunkin" doesn't even roll off the tongue the way "Punkin Chunkin" does. So chalk up another fail to the abomination that is the aubergine.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Clare on October 04, 2015, 09:57:47 pm
Aubergines are hideous? Excuse me?

(http://www.auberginerecipes.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/aubergine-preparing.jpg)

Mmm... yum.

I didn't say they look hideous, I said they are hideous. That is one of the problems I have with aubergines, they are incredibly beautiful to look at, they promise so much, I expect waves of supreme taste and texture under that glossy purple coat but they deliver no taste except the grease they are cooked in and have all the texture of a freshly laid cow pat.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 05, 2015, 07:36:18 am
I think the honorable Clare has it. All promise and no delivery.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on October 05, 2015, 08:08:30 am
Aubergines are indeed beautiful. When our daughter was 3 she fell in love with an aubergine, and it went everywhere with her, displacing all but the ragged bunny in her affections. But she was fickle and when the aubergine lost his good looks she abandoned him and selected another from the green grocers shelf. This went on for several months.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 05, 2015, 09:39:11 am
Pumpkins. Hmm. I've never been a big fan of squashes once you pass the courgette barrier (I love courgettes, though not in the sex way, which given their shape I feel I should emphasise). Pumpkins only taste good in pumpkin pie with plenty of ice cream, in savoury recipes I find them pointlessly bland (see also the butternut squash). Shooting them is probably a good idea.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on October 05, 2015, 11:57:36 am
Aubergines are hideous? Excuse me?

(http://www.auberginerecipes.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/aubergine-preparing.jpg)

Mmm... yum.

I didn't say they look hideous, I said they are hideous. That is one of the problems I have with aubergines, they are incredibly beautiful to look at, they promise so much, I expect waves of supreme taste and texture under that glossy purple coat but they deliver no taste except the grease they are cooked in and have all the texture of a freshly laid cow pat.


I nearly bought some of the purple and cream ones to paint…

I'm better now. I stick to trees and rocks.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rower40 on October 05, 2015, 01:43:36 pm
I discovered this at a very young age but with marmalade-making being seasonal there were insufficient supplies to last the entire year chiz.
Seville Oranges for Marmalade-molishing can be frozen without detriment to the resulting preserve.  This factoid was discovered by my Mum many years ago after bemoaning the short duration of the above fruit's availability on Cambridge market stalls, and on noting how much space her freezer really had.

(Apologies for the delay in replying, and if this has already been commented on.)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on October 05, 2015, 06:20:20 pm
Initial freezer ownership at Fort Larrington roughly coincided with the Summer of Punk, first marmalade manufacture with the DETH of Buddy Holly.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on October 05, 2015, 10:47:21 pm
Buddy Holly or Elvis Presley?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on October 06, 2015, 01:28:39 am
I think the honorable Clare has it. All promise and no delivery.

I wonder how they managed to stay out of politics.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on October 06, 2015, 01:32:47 am
Pumpkins. Hmm. I've never been a big fan of squashes once you pass the courgette barrier (I love courgettes, though not in the sex way, which given their shape I feel I should emphasise). Pumpkins only taste good in pumpkin pie with plenty of ice cream, in savoury recipes I find them pointlessly bland (see also the butternut squash). Shooting them is probably a good idea.

I will agree that pumpkin pie is good. It's remarkable how many things have a pumpkin variety this time of year - we get pumpkin bagels (surprisingly good), pumpkin donuts (usually pretty good), pumpkin chocolate bars (ranging from passable to grim), pumpkin muffins (good), pumpkin coffee creamer (truly awful) and so on. Just when you think it can't get in any more things it does. I recently enjoyed salted pumpkin caramels and they were remarkable good. And at $10 for a 12oz box of them they needed to be, but they were good enough that I took a box home.

Firing large pumpkins from trebuchets looks like remarkable fun, although I wouldn't want to be the guy in the boat who landed the job of scooping the pieces out of the lake. Shooting them could be interesting. A friend of mine has access to a large patch of land, and an AR-15. This could be fun.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 06, 2015, 10:48:13 am
I have some pumpkin beer, it's the sort of thing that tastes ok for one bottle but you'd turn down the second. They are messy when shot. I used to live in Virginia. They love shooting vegetables south of the Mason Dixon especially if they're the sort of vegetable you can draw a face on. It's true though, Halloween in the US is a just a mass excuse to get rid of all the pumpkins.

I also have some pumpkin gnocchi which isn't so bad served up with sage butter.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on October 06, 2015, 09:34:25 pm
Pumpkins.
Useful for little, other than
(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4110/5135325936_e8d0bebe1b_b.jpg) (http://[url=https://flic.kr/p/8PMTum)Pumpkins.JPG (https://flic.kr/p/8PMTum) by jurekb (https://www.flickr.com/photos/jurekb/), on Flickr][/url]
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on October 07, 2015, 09:42:11 am
Don't American snipers and spree killers practice on pumpkins? They do in the movies anyway. Or watermelons. I guess the exploding pulp is satisfyingly brain like.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on October 07, 2015, 07:25:24 pm
Edward Fox used a watermelon in "The Day Of The Jackal".
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 07, 2015, 10:14:44 pm
One of my formative American experiences of guns involved pumpkins, assorted other unfortunate squash, crayfish, and the backwoods of West Virginia. For some reason I got myself invited to a crawfish boil. I'm not sure why as I like crustaceans about as much as they like me. But hey, there was the promise of beer and when in Virginia with a girl called Mary Lou and she's y'all-ing for the Dixie olympics, you go with the flow because you know where you'd like it to go. Plus she promised to show me where the Waltons lived, which turned out not to be a euphemism.

Anyway, we crossed the state line. Maps were consulted. Further and further we went, trees edging closer to the road. Daylight got more squeezed. It turned out that none of us actually knew the hosts, they were friends of someone's brother's cousin (never to try to unpick these family relationships would be my advice) who had mentioned en passant that the event was happening. So, we were basically gatecrashing a redneck party.

Now you know it's a party when you get to the end of the driveway, or rather rutted track, and there's some balloons or a banner, maybe a sign saying 'crawfish boil this way.' Not in WV, there's a big fella leaning on a pump action. Y'all here for the 'fish? I'm not arguing. Why yes, good sir we are. You ain't from round here? Sarcasm, go stand on the corner and shut the fuck up, the man has a gun.

So, anyway, another ten miles of track lands us on Planet Pick-Up truck. You know how it is when you arrive at a party underdressed. I felt undergunned. A small army would have felt undergunned. Mary Lou? Paul? Not one of us had thought to bring a weapon. These people made it look like the crawfish might be fomenting armed rebellion. They weren't going to go quietly into that oil drum of boiling cajun-spiced water.

So, in short order, beer was consumed. Two hundred and fifty pounds of crawfish met an unseemly demise, of which I ate about one. As my brain started to go sudsy rockabout, the shooting starts. Now all good Americans want to see English people shoot guns. Trust me, like the accent, it holds an ineffable attraction. So I find myself holding a small cannon in one hand and a beer in the other. Mary Lou appears with a borrowed assault rifle, looks my limply clutched handgun up and down, and shakes her head before putting a 7.62 mm round through a pumpkin far enough away to be in the next county. Suddenly, about 200 pair of eyes fall on me. Shoot the pumpkin, English. I don't think this shit ever happened on the Waltons. I don't think Mary Lou is going to offer any favours to a boy who won't kill a pumpkin so I down the beer, slug some bourbon and take aim and – every varmint in the state duck – start massacring trees. Then everyone is shooting. It's like a small war. Someone zooms by me on a quad bike with a machine gun in one hand, splattering veg left right and centre. It's like an organic veg version of Mad Max.

I've no idea how many people died that night. My ears rang for about four days. Mary Lou never looked at me quite the same. I think you shot a squirrel, she said. Collateral damage.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on October 07, 2015, 10:35:59 pm
^
Class.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Legs on October 08, 2015, 09:00:52 am
Without meaning to toady, I sincerely believe that ian might be the funniest man on the Internet.  Keep keeping me smiling!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 08, 2015, 12:59:35 pm
I should point out that Mary Lou was a vegetarian so very concerned about the squirrels and other woodland varmints as she thinned out the ranks of arrayed vegetables, tin cans, and scrap machinery with the kind of glee only an American clutching a semi-automatic assault rifle can exhibit.

I also had my first lesson in gun safety that day, as one of my new gun-toting buddies points the nasty end of a large shotgun at me and says 'son, never ever do this' and then jabs it at me to make the point. 'Might. Go. Off.' 'You gotta treat a gun right.' This was the same chap who was using the gun as an armrest earlier.

No one tried to shoot a crawfish to my knowledge, though they did shoot the barrel they were cooked in, a traditional sacrifice to the gods of gunpowder and freshwater crustaceans.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on October 08, 2015, 01:02:32 pm
They have vegetarians in West Virginia?  :o
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on October 08, 2015, 05:23:01 pm
I got absolutely relaxed as a newt on crawfish and beer* one evening in Baton Rouge. The Police and Fire Department made me do it. Honest Guv.

It was the close of cycle patrol convention festivities hosted by BRFD and as one of the international guests, getting really relaxed was a given, whether I wanted to or not.

I think the evening might have finished with one of the FD dudes removing the couple of yards of duct tape that had been wound round my chest earlier in the day due to rib breakage. It took some hair and skin with it.

*I think it was more the gallons of beer that did it than the pound or so of crawfish.

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Feanor on October 08, 2015, 07:23:59 pm
BAck in the '80s, driving along I-10 between Houston and Nawlins, the radio stations were of only 2 kinds:

- God Squad: "Send yer cash to the Jimmy Swaggart church of Prostitutes" etc;

- Highly compressed Stadium Rock, with a promise never to play anything you've not heard a million times before, punctuated with ads for every Cajun Food Joint for miles around.   Best crawdads in town! they proclaimed.  They all seemed to prominently feature the phrase "Suck them heads!"
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 08, 2015, 10:34:13 pm
Yep, suck them heads. It's a thing. Everyone slurping out those crispy little craniums like short-changed zombies.

Really, I'm not hot on the entire crustacean thing. I can manage prawns though I would rather not. I remember once in Boston trying to ignore my girlfriend dismembering a lobster when splat, guts down my front. She looks at me and says 'was that me?' Like lobster guts just rain from the sky. Not even in Maine, honey.

Oh, and Baltimore crabs. You have to, they insist. These people are monsters, after about five minutes there's bits of crab everywhere, legs, claws, bits of shell. It's like someone has dropped a daisy cutter on a beach. Carnage. I don't need to see that and I definitely don't want to eat it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: billplumtree on October 09, 2015, 12:19:22 pm
They have vegetarians in West Virginia?  :o

I was a bit surprised at that an'all.  Until

Yep, suck them heads. It's a thing. Everyone slurping out those crispy little craniums like short-changed zombies ... dismembering a lobster when splat, guts down my front ... bits of crab everywhere, legs, claws, bits of shell

Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on October 09, 2015, 12:34:53 pm
I used to have a cow-orker from West Virginia. She was called Virginia. Really. From what she used to say, the most popular vegetable in WV must be crystal meth.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ruthie on October 17, 2015, 09:55:21 pm
I've just been out to a leaving 'do' at a restaurant in Darlo.

It was bloody disgusting.  The service was non-existent - I'm still waiting for more parmesan on my pasta, and for my coffee, and I've been home twenty minutes.  And the seat I had was directly under a freezing cold draught which stank of fag smoke and toilets, in a kind of nasty cycle of stench.  There was a cobweb a foot long directly over my head as well.

The best thing you could say about my food was that it was edible.  It's left a kind of aftertaste, in a bad way.

The girl who'd organised it would have been mortified if I'd said anything, so I didn't, but really.  Yuck.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: David Martin on October 17, 2015, 10:12:31 pm
They have vegetarians in West Virginia?  :o

They are the ones who have a salad with the steak..
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 17, 2015, 10:16:27 pm
I tried aubergine again (in Leon, they've disappointingly discontinued the peas). Clare is still winning. Gave them away after I'd licked the sauce off them. Just rubbery meh.

In the great battle, round one goes to the avocado which comparatively sparkled as much as a bland green veg can.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on October 18, 2015, 05:02:46 am
I tried aubergine again (in Leon, they've disappointingly discontinued the peas). Clare is still winning. Gave them away after I'd licked the sauce off them. Just rubbery meh.

In the great battle, round one goes to the avocado which comparatively sparkled as much as a bland green veg can.

If it's any consolation I didn't try advocaat again. It didn't taste nice the first time, didn't taste nice the second time, didn't taste nice the third time, so I applied a simple "three strikes" policy and the advocaat was out. As it happens, so were the aubergines and avocados.

Today's exciting food-related venture was Punkin Chunkin. Lots of redneck hillbillies, lots of catapults and trebuchets, and lots of pumpkins smashed to pieces as they hit the waters of the lake at speed. Sadly they didn't have opportunities to fling baskets of aubergines and avocados instead of pumpkins.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on October 18, 2015, 08:24:18 am
I've just been out to a leaving 'do' at a restaurant in Darlo.

It was bloody disgusting.  The service was non-existent - I'm still waiting for more parmesan on my pasta, and for my coffee, and I've been home twenty minutes.  And the seat I had was directly under a freezing cold draught which stank of fag smoke and toilets, in a kind of nasty cycle of stench.  There was a cobweb a foot long directly over my head as well.

The best thing you could say about my food was that it was edible.  It's left a kind of aftertaste, in a bad way.

The girl who'd organised it would have been mortified if I'd said anything, so I didn't, but really.  Yuck.
I have tried to find Darlo on the map in order to avoid it but to no avail. Is it an abbreviation of Darlington? In which case it was already on the list of places not to go to.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on October 18, 2015, 04:01:20 pm
The importation of fresh curry leaves into EU is now banned.  >:( >:( Still, at least the risk of edible greenery based jihad is reduced.  ::-)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on October 18, 2015, 04:31:52 pm
Name and shame, Ruthie.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Ruthie on October 18, 2015, 06:13:13 pm
Name and shame, Ruthie.

Foffano's, Market Square, Darlington.

You get what you pay for, for sure.

Tigerr, this is a restaurant in the town of Darlington.

Darlington is very nice.  This restaurant is not.

 There are excellent restaurants in Darlington. 

Do you understand now?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on October 18, 2015, 07:00:45 pm
Darlington is a very interesting place. I just read all about it on Wikipedia, unfortunately Foffanos not mentioned.  The Cummiins engine factory is there last remnant of a major engineering history, and also the major employer - the Student Loans Company, plus Argos distribution centre. in 1939 it had more cinema seats per head than anywhere in the UK! Characterised by pockets of wealth and extreme deprivation side by side. Like so much of the country north of Waitrose.   
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on October 18, 2015, 07:36:47 pm
Like so much of the country north of Waitrose.

IIRC they have been pressing north since the big supermarket sell-off of the mid-noughties and have successfully invaded Scotland.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on October 18, 2015, 08:05:22 pm
The importation of fresh curry leaves into EU is now banned.  >:( >:( Still, at least the risk of edible greenery based jihad is reduced.  ::-)
Waaaaaaah? Why?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on October 18, 2015, 09:00:16 pm
Citrus greening disease precautions that no exporting country was  able to demonstrate compliance with.

 https://www.asian-voice.com/News/UK/London/Ban-on-fresh-curry-leaves-disappoint-British-Asians  (https://www.asian-voice.com/News/UK/London/Ban-on-fresh-curry-leaves-disappoint-British-Asians)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on October 18, 2015, 10:06:26 pm
The British economy would, of course, collapse if all our citrus orchards were destroyed.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: David Martin on October 18, 2015, 11:09:50 pm
The British economy would, of course, collapse if all our citrus orchards were destroyed.
It would have a negative impact on Britain because we are part of the EU (at the moment) and thus if any of the citrus growing nations suffer then we all would suffer. I am struggling to see how curry leaves could transmit the pathogen though.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on October 19, 2015, 01:15:14 pm
Like so much of the country north of Waitrose.

IIRC they have been pressing north since the big supermarket sell-off of the mid-noughties and have successfully invaded Scotland.
You are right. There is now a very handy map of Waitrose locations all over the country for the benefit of travelling Londoners. That must be a boon.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pickled Onion on October 19, 2015, 01:55:20 pm
Name and shame, Ruthie.

Foffano's, Market Square, Darlington.

Appears to have a lot of 5-star reviews on trip advisor. Might be worth adding your opinion.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on October 19, 2015, 02:07:57 pm
I tried aubergine again (in Leon, they've disappointingly discontinued the peas). Clare is still winning. Gave them away after I'd licked the sauce off them. Just rubbery meh.

In the great battle, round one goes to the avocado which comparatively sparkled as much as a bland green veg can.

Those aubergines are shite. I had them recently and they were undercooked rubbish.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: madcow on October 19, 2015, 07:51:34 pm
The British economy would, of course, collapse if all our citrus orchards were destroyed.

 This is probably an E.U Directive so it will be to protect the citrus crop in Southern Europe.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 20, 2015, 08:53:54 am
I tried aubergine again (in Leon, they've disappointingly discontinued the peas). Clare is still winning. Gave them away after I'd licked the sauce off them. Just rubbery meh.

In the great battle, round one goes to the avocado which comparatively sparkled as much as a bland green veg can.

Those aubergines are shite. I had them recently and they were undercooked rubbish.

Seriously though, how much do you have to cook them before they taste of anything but meh? They taste like all aubergines. Rubbery disks of disappointment, floundering in a sauce that knows it's not up to the task of making it all worthwhile. Potted despair.

I'm going to ask Jamie Oliver to work with me on banning them.

I only drink advocaat on special occasions, I think my bottle dates back to the early 2000s and lives in the cupboard of random cocktail ingredients (you know, the place you keep the Blue Bols).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on October 20, 2015, 09:01:05 am
I tried aubergine again (in Leon, they've disappointingly discontinued the peas). Clare is still winning. Gave them away after I'd licked the sauce off them. Just rubbery meh.

In the great battle, round one goes to the avocado which comparatively sparkled as much as a bland green veg can.

Those aubergines are shite. I had them recently and they were undercooked rubbish.

Seriously though, how much do you have to cook them before they taste of anything but meh? They taste like all aubergines. Rubbery disks of disappointment, floundering in a sauce that knows it's not up to the task of making it all worthwhile. Potted despair.

I'm going to ask Jamie Oliver to work with me on banning them.

I only drink advocaat on special occasions, I think my bottle dates back to the early 2000s and lives in the cupboard of random cocktail ingredients (you know, the place you keep the Blue Bols).

Go Turkish for Imam biyaldi. Will blow your mind.

Rant at something worthwhile, like dragonfruit- look amazing and taste of absolutely zero.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on October 20, 2015, 11:17:22 am
Blue Bols… the only known use is as one of the colours in a Green Monster.

Blue bols, orange juice and vodka. Don't bother; it's the colour of army issue socks.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on October 20, 2015, 03:37:46 pm
Made a madeira, cream & roquefort sauce to liven up the Inlaw Paw's sempiternal hamburger at lunch.  He mechanically splattered Heinz barbecue sauce all over it before even reaching for the salt. :facepalm:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on October 20, 2015, 07:37:43 pm
Made a madeira, cream & roquefort sauce to liven up the Inlaw Paw's sempiternal hamburger at lunch.  He mechanically splattered Heinz barbecue sauce all over it before even reaching for the salt. :facepalm:
As an inlaw, I think I would splatter sauce over any of the SIL's pretensions as a matter of course. What possessed you to think that a burger could be improved with the addition of such a sauce? Unless of course you were working on the grand plan of elimination via heart attack.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 20, 2015, 08:43:50 pm

Go Turkish for Imam biyaldi. Will blow your mind.

Rant at something worthwhile, like dragonfruit- look amazing and taste of absolutely zero.

I have ventured through the entire rubbery landscape of aubergine, from the Palace of Disappointment through to the rolling Foothills of Despair. I've walked the streets of the grand city of Meh. I've listened to the pleadings of the people. I've been petitioned before the court of King Brinjal, and attended the Church of the Holy Eggplant Pope. Nothing they say, no whispered blessing, no furtive bribe, can turn me. The truth is taller than any mountain, deeper than any sea. The aubergine is dull. Sure, it dresses up nice, but believe me, an evening with an aubergine is going nowhere.

You may as well eat decaying rubber grommets.

And with you on the dragonfruit though. I remember years ago in Hong Kong seeing one, carved up in the breakfast buffet. I'm having you, my little mysterious juicy fruit. I may as well have ate my spoon. Another food item dressed to the nines in promise.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on October 21, 2015, 01:03:13 pm
We can agree to disagree with the aubergine but can unite against the dragon fruit and its ilk.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on October 21, 2015, 01:14:14 pm
Made a madeira, cream & roquefort sauce to liven up the Inlaw Paw's sempiternal hamburger at lunch.  He mechanically splattered Heinz barbecue sauce all over it before even reaching for the salt. :facepalm:
As an inlaw, I think I would splatter sauce over any of the SIL's pretensions as a matter of course. What possessed you to think that a burger could be improved with the addition of such a sauce? Unless of course you were working on the grand plan of elimination via heart attack.

Well it didn't work on the boudin antillais so I thought...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on October 26, 2015, 12:17:27 pm
I just purchased a fine luncheon of snickers bars - 4 for a £1 deal in Tesco. Imagine my disgust when on opening the generously proportioned outer wrapping I discovered the actual bars are tiny! This is yet another example of Tescos losing the plot. I will in future buy the imitation mars bars in Aldi.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on October 26, 2015, 01:07:48 pm
The obsessional in me always seeks the weight of the product and its e
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: perpetual dan on October 26, 2015, 10:43:55 pm
Would it be allowed to make an item which weighed e grams. Ideally something egg based,  with "ege" as the label.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on October 27, 2015, 04:14:33 am
I tried aubergine again (in Leon, they've disappointingly discontinued the peas). Clare is still winning. Gave them away after I'd licked the sauce off them. Just rubbery meh.

In the great battle, round one goes to the avocado which comparatively sparkled as much as a bland green veg can.

Those aubergines are shite. I had them recently and they were undercooked rubbish.

Seriously though, how much do you have to cook them before they taste of anything but meh? They taste like all aubergines. Rubbery disks of disappointment, floundering in a sauce that knows it's not up to the task of making it all worthwhile. Potted despair.

I'm going to ask Jamie Oliver to work with me on banning them.

If you cook an aubergine at 400 degrees for about six hours it tastes of charcoal, which tastes better than aubergine. Not that that's saying much. You can also write with them, which is probably about the only potential use for an aubergine except possibly as a projectile weapon.

Quote
I only drink advocaat on special occasions, I think my bottle dates back to the early 2000s and lives in the cupboard of random cocktail ingredients (you know, the place you keep the Blue Bols).

Perhaps we do agree on the advocaat issue, because I also drink it only on special occasions. I'm thinking the 10th anniversary of my death would be the first such special occasion ever to occur.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on October 27, 2015, 08:20:38 am
I just purchased a fine luncheon of snickers bars - 4 for a £1 deal in Tesco. Imagine my disgust when on opening the generously proportioned outer wrapping I discovered the actual bars are tiny! This is yet another example of Tescos losing the plot. I will in future buy the imitation mars bars in Aldi.

Nothing to do with Tesco - they're just the retailer. Manufacturers have been doing this for years. Save your ire for them.

Now, Majestic. Oh, so you've decided that the 6 bottle minimum will be scrapped have you? So there I was (foolishly of course) hoping we'd see pricing as in Scotland (where alcohol promotions are illegal) and get decent single bottle prices. But no. I look at a Cotes de Rhone I like, which used to be around £9 a bottle "single" price, reduced to £7 each if you bought 2 (as part of a 6 bottle case).  Now £10.65 each with a "discount" of 25% - but only if you buy 6! So the discount is still only available if you buy 6 (although it can be 6 individual bottles now, but the discount may only be 10% in that case). First World complaint or what  :)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Legs on October 27, 2015, 08:59:01 am
Perhaps we do agree on the advocaat issue, because I also drink it only on special occasions. I'm thinking the 10th anniversary of my death would be the first such special occasion ever to occur.
Never drunk Advocaat, but I made my own eggnog at Christmas last year and it was FAB.  I'm a sucker for spicy, alcofrolic beverages, though...  I've got some spiced sloe rum happily infusing in the depths of my cellar.  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on October 27, 2015, 03:30:49 pm
I bought mature cheddar instead of extra strong super mature vintage veteran. It is only fit for toasted sandwiches, and barely for that.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on October 27, 2015, 04:53:56 pm
I bought mature cheddar instead of extra strong super mature vintage veteran. It is only fit for toasted sandwiches, and barely for that.
I feel your pain. No1Daughter is now the resident shopper, in lieu of paying board, and for 2 weeks now has bought lighter cheddar.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on October 27, 2015, 05:51:49 pm
I bought mature cheddar instead of extra strong super mature vintage veteran. It is only fit for toasted sandwiches, and barely for that.
I feel your pain. No1Daughter is now the resident shopper, in lieu of paying board, and for 2 weeks now has bought lighter cheddar.

Eviction is too good for her!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 27, 2015, 08:33:30 pm
I don't know, when I die I want to be wrapped in Dairylea cheese slices and lightly toasted.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on October 28, 2015, 12:18:19 pm
I know this is a Huge Fearing Whatsisname inspired story but, what a fucking waste of good, edible comestibles- just cos they fail the 'catwalk vegetable' test

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34647454
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on October 28, 2015, 12:23:09 pm
I bought mature cheddar instead of extra strong super mature vintage veteran. It is only fit for toasted sandwiches, and barely for that.
I feel your pain. No1Daughter is now the resident shopper, in lieu of paying board, and for 2 weeks now has bought lighter cheddar.
I fear for your daughter's soul. She needs stern action now, before she treads further on the road to margarine.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on October 28, 2015, 12:55:13 pm
I don't know, when I die I want to be wrapped in Dairylea cheese slices and lightly toasted.

Plastic cheese has its uses, dirtying up burgers etc. There is no excuse for lighter cheddar or any low fat cheese. Yuck.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: billplumtree on October 28, 2015, 01:08:14 pm
I feel your pain. No1Daughter is now the resident shopper, in lieu of paying board, and for 2 weeks now has bought lighter cheddar.
I fear for your daughter's soul. She needs stern action now, before she treads further on the road to margarine.
If my grandma wasn't long-dead, you could have sent the boablet to her for re-education.  My between-meals treat at her house was a slab of decent cheddar, spread thickly with butter and dipped in sugar. 

(I have, I believe, mentioned my blocked artery previously...)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on October 28, 2015, 01:12:11 pm
I know this is a Huge Fearing Whatsisname inspired story but, what a fucking waste of good, edible comestibles- just cos they fail the 'catwalk vegetable' test

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34647454
That is absolutely effing ridiculous.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pickled Onion on October 28, 2015, 01:25:23 pm
I know this is a Huge Fearing Whatsisname inspired story but, what a fucking waste of good, edible comestibles- just cos they fail the 'catwalk vegetable' test

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34647454
That is absolutely effing ridiculous.

When buying fruit and veg in other countries in Europe, it is quite remarkable for
(a) not looking perfect; and
(b) tasting at least 100 times better.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on October 29, 2015, 11:10:07 am
I know this is a Huge Fearing Whatsisname inspired story but, what a fucking waste of good, edible comestibles- just cos they fail the 'catwalk vegetable' test

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34647454
That is absolutely effing ridiculous.


When buying fruit and veg in other countries in Europe, it is quite remarkable for
(a) not looking perfect; and
(b) tasting at least 100 times better.

I am all for misshapen veg but I dont see how it can taste 100x better. 
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on October 29, 2015, 11:28:58 am
I don't know, when I die I want to be wrapped in Dairylea cheese slices and lightly toasted.

Plastic cheese has its uses, dirtying up burgers etc. There is no excuse for lighter cheddar or any low fat cheese. Yuck.

Low fat cheese is an abomination. I love plastic cheese (elegantly named in the US as 'processed cheese food product') possibly more than any other kind of cheese [food product]. One of my favourite sandwiches is just that. It has zen-like simplicity. If you want to jazz it up, add some ready salted crisps.

Hmm, crisp sandwiches in general. I know there will be those of you who swear by the Monster Munch sandwich (and I'm not saying a pickled onion Monster Munch sandwich is a bad thing) but Walkers Ready Salted between buttered bread. Oh my. That satisfying crunch as you squish the top of the sandwich down. That's the sound of my childhood, that is.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on October 29, 2015, 11:54:44 am
I know this is a Huge Fearing Whatsisname inspired story but, what a fucking waste of good, edible comestibles- just cos they fail the 'catwalk vegetable' test

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34647454
That is absolutely effing ridiculous.


When buying fruit and veg in other countries in Europe, it is quite remarkable for
(a) not looking perfect; and
(b) tasting at least 100 times better.

I am all for misshapen veg but I dont see how it can taste 100x better.
Usually the better taste is an accidental result of the veg/fruit having been picked for ripeness or aroma. Or being a specific variety that tastes good rather than looking cosmetically perfect.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: billplumtree on October 29, 2015, 01:04:57 pm
Hmm, crisp sandwiches in general.

Such a shame, ian, that you don't live near Keighley.

(http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2015-07/30/5/enhanced/webdr07/enhanced-1869-1438249391-1.jpg)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on October 29, 2015, 01:47:00 pm
Hmm, peanut butter and crisp sandwiches, with salad cream on the side.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on October 29, 2015, 07:10:53 pm
Hmm, crisp sandwiches in general. I know there will be those of you who swear by the Monster Munch sandwich (and I'm not saying a pickled onion Monster Munch sandwich is a bad thing) but Walkers Ready Salted between buttered bread. Oh my. That satisfying crunch as you squish the top of the sandwich down. That's the sound of my childhood, that is.

I'm all for nostalgic crisp sandwiches, but Walkers have minged ever since they started frying them in triffid oil.  Not wanting to support the triffid industry (any apocalypse where the winners end up holed up on the Isle of Wight is best avoided in my book), I eschew Walkers except for salt-depletion pub ride emergencies.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: perpetual dan on October 29, 2015, 08:13:29 pm
Hmm, crisp sandwiches in general. I know there will be those of you who swear by the Monster Munch sandwich (and I'm not saying a pickled onion Monster Munch sandwich is a bad thing) but Walkers Ready Salted between buttered bread. Oh my. That satisfying crunch as you squish the top of the sandwich down. That's the sound of my childhood, that is.

To my mind it is being a helper at cub camp, so similar. With a sugar sandwich for afters.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on October 29, 2015, 11:51:12 pm
Ack and, moreover, ptui!  What kind of a sillybollocks puts fucking cloves in with rice :sick:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on October 30, 2015, 08:42:50 am
Hmm, crisp sandwiches in general. I know there will be those of you who swear by the Monster Munch sandwich (and I'm not saying a pickled onion Monster Munch sandwich is a bad thing) but Walkers Ready Salted between buttered bread. Oh my. That satisfying crunch as you squish the top of the sandwich down. That's the sound of my childhood, that is.

To my mind it is being a helper at cub camp, so similar. With a sugar sandwich for afters.

My childhood abounds with Deth Sandwiches. There is your perennial favourite the aforementioned crisp sandwich. For variety there is the condensed milk sandwich. The alluded to sugar sandwich- granulated, brown, demerera depending on the mood and the tomato ketchup sandwich.

Why am I still alive? I didn't think my Nan had it in for me.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on October 30, 2015, 10:27:49 am
... Walkers Ready Salted between buttered bread. Oh my. That satisfying crunch as you squish the top of the sandwich down. That's the sound of my childhood, that is.

It's also the sound of my dotage.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on October 30, 2015, 12:26:03 pm
Ack and, moreover, ptui!  What kind of a sillybollocks puts fucking cloves in with rice :sick:
Me, if I'm making pilau.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on October 30, 2015, 12:50:09 pm
Pshaw!  It's like eating twigs.  Do I look like a giraffe?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on October 30, 2015, 12:52:41 pm
Giraffes eat leaves.  It's ducks that eat twigs.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Wascally Weasel on October 30, 2015, 12:53:34 pm
Pshaw!  It's like eating twigs.  Do I look like a giraffe?

Um, we didn't want to say but we've been meaning to have the conversation with you for some time.

"Your father, your father was actually a giraffe".

Apparently he ended up in Dudley zoo.  It's a sad story really.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on October 30, 2015, 01:15:11 pm
Giraffes eat leaves.  It's ducks that eat twigs.

Ducks eat bread, in spite of the best efforts of some bunch of dogoodniks trying to persuade people to feed them with things that are not bread, like sweet cron, peas, coal, Lewis Hamilton ect ect.

ETA: giraffes do eat twigs, also grass, fruit, power tools and retired Headmasters of minor public schools.  I read it on the Internet, apart from the bits I just made up.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on October 30, 2015, 01:59:58 pm
Giraffes eat leaves.  It's ducks that eat twigs.

Ducks eat bread, in spite of the best efforts of some bunch of dogoodniks trying to persuade people to feed them with things that are not bread, like sweet cron, peas, coal, Lewis Hamilton ect ect.

Ohdog, not again.

The "do ducks eat bread or sticks" debate was an ongoing argument between me and one of my exes.  We eventually resorted to empirical testing, but the results were declared invalid because:  a) Toast isn't the same as bread  b) Yes, the duck ate the twigs, but it spat them out again afterwards  and  c) The ducks were chased off by a mob of geese who'd got wind of baked goods before we could repeat the experiment.

We concluded that geese were bullies, and twigs probably tasted better than the college toast anyway.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on October 30, 2015, 02:47:38 pm
Pshaw!  It's like eating twigs.  Do I look like a giraffe?

Think yourself lucky it wasn't cinnamon bark. Or cardamom pods.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on October 30, 2015, 09:28:40 pm
Or allspice seeds.  :sick:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on October 30, 2015, 11:28:37 pm
Or glass.  Muslims are forbidden to eat glass.  It says so, right there, in the Koran.  Or was it The Hackenthorpe Book Of Lies?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on November 04, 2015, 07:19:26 pm
I love hiding cloves, cardamon seeds, random aromatic twigs, and occasional rocks in my pilau rice. It makes it look like I know what I'm doing. I sometimes get out recipe books 'for inspiration' though I can rarely be bothered with all that instruction following tomfoolery. Pan. Oil. Fire. I'm a culinary caveman.

I just ate a bad strawberry. You know the mouldy, funky taste. They were all like that. Tricked me into thinking that were fine, but they tasted of mould and nothing else. Worse, I tried half the pack before I gave up. Ick. Fruit are dangerous.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 04, 2015, 08:43:02 pm
This ^^^^.  Mama Cass choked utterly to DETH on a kumquat.  Trufax1.

1: Lie.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: andrewc on November 05, 2015, 06:18:47 pm
[
My childhood abounds with Deth Sandwiches. There is your perennial favourite the aforementioned crisp sandwich. For variety there is the condensed milk sandwich. The alluded to sugar sandwich- granulated, brown, demerera depending on the mood and the tomato ketchup sandwich.

Why am I still alive? I didn't think my Nan had it in for me.

Mine used to feed me dripping butties! Nom!

Hmmmm...    Beef dripping garlic butter (http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/food-and-drink/modern-european/restaurant-review-cedar-gin-fire)   :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Canardly on November 05, 2015, 07:59:50 pm
Insect restaurant opens in St Davids. Yuck! Will be some time before ‘entomophagy’ makes its mark with me thinks.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on November 06, 2015, 05:14:22 am
Perhaps we do agree on the advocaat issue, because I also drink it only on special occasions. I'm thinking the 10th anniversary of my death would be the first such special occasion ever to occur.
Never drunk Advocaat, but I made my own eggnog at Christmas last year and it was FAB.  I'm a sucker for spicy, alcofrolic beverages, though...  I've got some spiced sloe rum happily infusing in the depths of my cellar.  :thumbsup:

A friend of mine soaked a moruga scorpion pepper in a half-bottle of vodka. That stuff is evil. He said when the pepper was newly introduced to the vodka he could see a blob of capsaicin emerge from it and float to the top of the vodka.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on November 06, 2015, 01:39:46 pm
[
My childhood abounds with Deth Sandwiches. There is your perennial favourite the aforementioned crisp sandwich. For variety there is the condensed milk sandwich. The alluded to sugar sandwich- granulated, brown, demerera depending on the mood and the tomato ketchup sandwich.

Why am I still alive? I didn't think my Nan had it in for me.

Mine used to feed me dripping butties! Nom!

Hmmmm...    Beef dripping garlic butter (http://www.liverpoolconfidential.co.uk/food-and-drink/modern-european/restaurant-review-cedar-gin-fire)   :P

Just had for the first time- white bread roll cut in half. Peanut butter (crunchy) on one half. Marmite on the other, ready salted crisps in between.

Nom nom nom :D
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on November 06, 2015, 03:48:48 pm
Been asked to help get some Moet MCiii champagne, as it's quite hard to get in Asia, as they won't sell it direct to public. Just called Moet in UK and they just asked how many bottles did I want, only £330 a pop.

It's a bottle of blended vintage champagnes. Not too ostentatious then
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on November 08, 2015, 08:26:26 am
I keep seeing references to things being gluten free. Tried some foul gluten free bread. Apparently huge numbers of us are gluten intolerant these days. I have a sneaky suspicion this is yet another way of appearing interesting for insecure narcissists, but maybe there is something in it. I base this on noting that the obnoxious attention seeking clothes horse lady vegetarian member of Mrs tigers book group, around whom menus and book choices have to be negotiated, is now also gluten intolerant. I wonder if perhaps I ought to be gluten intolerant too. Gluten certainly sounds nasty, sort of squelchy and buttock related so no wonder people are avoiding it. Maybe it needs to be rebranded, more wheat related.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Oaky on November 08, 2015, 08:34:02 am
I have a sneaky suspicion this is yet another way of appearing interesting for insecure narcissists, but maybe there is something in it.
.
.
.
I wonder if perhaps I ought to be gluten intolerant too.

There you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oht9AEq1798
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on November 08, 2015, 09:20:06 am
Fantastic link. Like an instruction manual for life today. Gluten intolerance is indeed a state of mind, and as such a valuable social tool. I guess the problems come when two gluten intolerants attend the same meal. The stakes would need to be raised to coeliac level then. Or Crones or something.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on November 08, 2015, 09:31:36 am
Fantastic link. Like an instruction manual for life today. Gluten intolerance is indeed a state of mind, and as such a valuable social tool. I guess the problems come when two gluten intolerants attend the same meal. The stakes would need to be raised to coeliac level then. Or Crones or something.

Crohn's completely unrelated to diet.

Unless, of course you meant old ladies with crooked nose and warty faces, in which case, carry on.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rr on November 08, 2015, 11:07:33 pm
Aldi Gin and Tonic Crisps

Yuck where's the gin
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on November 08, 2015, 11:11:34 pm
Aldi Gin and Tonic Crisps

Yuck where's the gin

Pringles did some vile Christmas Special flavour last year.
I'll have a look for this year's offering...

..they don't seem to have one!

ETA Looking at yacf from last year, Mint Choc Chip and Sweet Cinnamon were seasonal Pringles flavours  :sick: :sick:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on November 08, 2015, 11:26:08 pm
Fantastic link. Like an instruction manual for life today. Gluten intolerance is indeed a state of mind, and as such a valuable social tool. I guess the problems come when two gluten intolerants attend the same meal. The stakes would need to be raised to coeliac level then. Or Crones or something.

What a wasted opportunity for a bad pun. All you had to do was throw in vegetarians and then could have raised the steaks instead.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 09, 2015, 01:53:00 am
Grytpype-Thynne: Tie him to a stake!
Seagoon: But I'm a vegetarian!
G-T: Very well, tie him to a stick of celery!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on November 09, 2015, 07:30:34 am
Fantastic link. Like an instruction manual for life today. Gluten intolerance is indeed a state of mind, and as such a valuable social tool. I guess the problems come when two gluten intolerants attend the same meal. The stakes would need to be raised to coeliac level then. Or Crones or something.

Crohn's completely unrelated to diet.

Unless, of course you meant old ladies with crooked nose and warty faces, in which case, carry on.
You are right! I knew a woman who had crowns disease in the 80s and she couldn't eat loads of things, so I assumed it was a food related problem. Lazy thinking on my part.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on November 09, 2015, 01:19:59 pm
I think it depends on the Crohns. I have some students with it who get triggered by some food and not others and other students who say it's separate from food triggers for them.  Crohns is so variable, some people get theirs well treated/controlled and others don't and it can change at any time :/
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 09, 2015, 02:35:20 pm
Fantastic link. Like an instruction manual for life today. Gluten intolerance is indeed a state of mind, and as such a valuable social tool. I guess the problems come when two gluten intolerants attend the same meal. The stakes would need to be raised to coeliac level then. Or Crones or something.

Crohn's completely unrelated to diet.

Unless, of course you meant old ladies with crooked nose and warty faces, in which case, carry on.
You are right! I knew a woman who had crowns disease in the 80s and she couldn't eat loads of things, so I assumed it was a food related problem. Lazy thinking on my part.

I didn't realise you spent time hobnobbing with royalty :demon:
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on November 10, 2015, 09:52:09 am
Gluten intolerance is indeed a state of mind, and as such a valuable social tool.
Please excuse me if I find this about as funny as a kick in the balls.

Some of us can't eat gluten. Some of us have been poked, prodded and tested using science and informed that we need to cease eating anything containing wheat or similar grains.

Some of us would love to be able to eat a takeaway pizza, buy cake, pastries, even a Ginster's pasty.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on November 10, 2015, 10:33:55 am
I think it depends on the Crohns. I have some students with it who get triggered by some food and not others and other students who say it's separate from food triggers for them.  Crohns is so variable, some people get theirs well treated/controlled and others don't and it can change at any time :/

...and some of us are on scary drugs to control it.

Over the years I have heard MANY misconception about Crohn's, the most common of which is "Oh, that's sort of like IBS, isn't it?" Well, in so far as it can cause a painful stomach, yes.  AFAIK IBS has NEVER caused the death of anyone, though. Neither do they, usually, deal with IBS with a bowel re-section, or immune supressant drugs.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on November 10, 2015, 01:20:35 pm
AFAIK IBS has NEVER caused the death of anyone, though.

Suicide maybe, but that tends to be self-limiting by lack of lethal objects in arm's reach of the toilet.


None of these conditions are funny.

TBH, I don't think dietary fads are particularly funny either.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: tiermat on November 10, 2015, 02:11:56 pm
TBH, I don't think dietary fads are particularly funny either.

Amen!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on November 10, 2015, 02:24:18 pm
I think it depends on the Crohns. I have some students with it who get triggered by some food and not others and other students who say it's separate from food triggers for them.  Crohns is so variable, some people get theirs well treated/controlled and others don't and it can change at any time :/

...and some of us are on scary drugs to control it.

Over the years I have heard MANY misconception about Crohn's, the most common of which is "Oh, that's sort of like IBS, isn't it?" Well, in so far as it can cause a painful stomach, yes.  AFAIK IBS has NEVER caused the death of anyone, though. Neither do they, usually, deal with IBS with a bowel re-section, or immune supressant drugs.

I have a problem with the abbreviations used for these things. IBD = Inflammatory Bowel Disease usually Crohns and Ulcerative Colitis (UC)
IBS =Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

My brane is easily confuddled.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on November 10, 2015, 06:07:00 pm
Mrs. B likes to tell her friends and colleagues that I suffer from IBS.

Irritable Bastard Syndrome, she points out.   >:(
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 10, 2015, 06:13:07 pm
Better that than suffer from IDS.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on November 10, 2015, 06:31:11 pm
Gluten intolerance is indeed a state of mind, and as such a valuable social tool.
Please excuse me if I find this about as funny as a kick in the balls.

Some of us can't eat gluten. Some of us have been poked, prodded and tested using science and informed that we need to cease eating anything containing wheat or similar grains.

Some of us would love to be able to eat a takeaway pizza, buy cake, pastries, even a Ginster's pasty.
Fully appreciate your point - I guess gluten intolerance is a bit like OCD, in that it is common now to hear people claiming to be a bit bit OCD as if it were an interesting facet of their character - which I know pisses the hell out of actual sufferers for whom it can be a life of misery. Real conditions get trivialised when they are adopted as social accessories.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Basil on November 10, 2015, 06:44:43 pm
Better that than suffer from IDS.

¿Qué?   ???
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 10, 2015, 06:55:38 pm
Better that than suffer from IDS.

¿Qué?   ???

One of these:

(click to show/hide)

Warning: may not be suitable for younger readers.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jaded on November 11, 2015, 12:12:35 am
I think it depends on the Crohns. I have some students with it who get triggered by some food and not others and other students who say it's separate from food triggers for them.  Crohns is so variable, some people get theirs well treated/controlled and others don't and it can change at any time :/

...and some of us are on scary drugs to control it.

Over the years I have heard MANY misconception about Crohn's, the most common of which is "Oh, that's sort of like IBS, isn't it?" Well, in so far as it can cause a painful stomach, yes.  AFAIK IBS has NEVER caused the death of anyone, though. Neither do they, usually, deal with IBS with a bowel re-section, or immune supressant drugs.

Yeah, my Crohn's is only a bit poo.

So I'm less concerned with finding toilets and more with the (now) annual black lizard ride.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on November 12, 2015, 03:16:36 am
AFAIK IBS has NEVER caused the death of anyone, though.

Suicide maybe, but that tends to be self-limiting by lack of lethal objects in arm's reach of the toilet.


None of these conditions are funny.

TBH, I don't think dietary fads are particularly funny either.

Dietary fads are tedious.

If someone has a genuine dietary requirement I don't have a problem with going the extra mile to accommodate them. If someone is deathly allergic to something I don't want them going into anaphylactic shock when they come to have dinner with me. I don't really feel like hunting down obscure ingredients and rejigging the entire menu just because someone doesn't feel like eating dairy this week.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on November 12, 2015, 01:21:23 pm
My Dad and barakta are seriously lactose intolerant.
Obtaining Lactofree milk is very easy for a lazy online shopper.
I don't do much Clever Cookery so there's just all the other milk-free stuffs they can eat.
Simples.

I appreciate things would be different if I did Clever Cookery.
I'd probably just substitute Lactofree for ordinary cow juice throughout.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on November 12, 2015, 06:01:55 pm
I think it's important to remember that criticising dietary fads doesn't mean that such issues don't exist, just that in many cases things like gluten intolerance are simply self-diagnosed and – to be cynical – attention seeking. I'm bean intolerant and I don't get an aisle in the supermarket. If you'd smelled me after a chile con carne you'd beg them to give me my own aisle, one that's hermetically sealed and in a galaxy a long, long way away. But seriously, I have a genuine, unpleasant and painful reaction to beans in any quantity.

If you spend any time in the US, you'll know the danger of peanuts. Now there's a significant and growing allergy problem and certainly peanuts have a couple of potent allergens. But, firstly, most reactions to peanuts are minor. Very, very few people have significant reactions. Most US parents will tell you about someone they know whose kid died from peanuts (which is unlikely, given that the death rate from peanut-associated anaphylactic shock hovers around one per year in the US) thusly the peanut panic (which spreads to all nuts, and there's no relationship at all between almonds, peanuts, and walnuts). There is no safe-level of peanuts and anyone who even, for a moment, thinks of peanuts is like Mr Hitler's Rabid Dog. Remember the story about someone opening a bag on a plane and causing a child to perhaps, nearly, a little bit die? An immune system needs a good kick to get going, that's not one peanut molecule per plane (new SI measure of peanuttery to be approved).

But it's strangely fashionable to parade a child as fashionably peanut (or otherwise) allergic. There's an entire trade in home diagnosis so parents don't have to go through the trouble of consulting an actual allergist.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on November 12, 2015, 07:18:43 pm
Peanut allergy is scary to treat (and must be VERY scary for patients and families).

It kills around 150/year in the USA according to Wiki.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on November 12, 2015, 08:15:09 pm
I think that's all food allergies globally. CDC says about 1/year for peanuts and fairly steady. Perhaps under or over reported, reporting is poor. It's often unknown what the causative agent of fatal anaphylaxis is.

Anyway, it's not an argument that people aren't allergic to peanuts and in a small subset it can very serious, but that it's assumed to be a killer. The traffic pollution caused by parents driving their children to school will kill far more of them than peanuts will ever do. A vast industry had grown up around nuts, people really go out of their way in ways that the anti-gluten industry must envy to avoid stray peanut molecules. I know plenty of people who avoid peanuts but have certainly never been formally diagnosed. They remember once being ill. We also seem to have stretched the definition of nuts to the botanically meaningless 'tree nuts.' So you have peanut-allergic people who will die if they eat a cherry bakewell (peanuts are legumes, almonds are the kernel of type of peach stone).

Apropos of nothing, but my wife is convinced she'll die if stung by a bee. She was stung as a child and swelled up and had to be rushed to hospital. She's very sure about this. The other year, she related this story in front of her parents. They both claim it never happened, it was just a minor bee sting. I'm staying out of that one. I've never been stung by a bee or a wasp. We have an agreement.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on November 12, 2015, 08:44:18 pm
I don't have an official diagnosis of lactose intolerance. My GP said it wasn't worth testing for and the testing isn't 100% reliable.  I simply lost the ability to digest milk after a rather nasty bout of the noro. GP was actually surprised it didn't resolve in the months afterwards...  I hope my GP records have records of me complaining about it tho...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on November 12, 2015, 10:00:23 pm
My Dad would not accept he was lactose intolerant (despite Mum being convinced he was) without SCIENCE.

He had the tests and was off the scale.

He is happy on Lactofree.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: barakta on November 12, 2015, 10:39:44 pm
I'm clearly not 100% lactose intolerant as I can get away with hard cheese and some milk chocolate etc although I've never been much of a chocolate eater. I mainly can't eat milk/cream/yoghurt/creamcheese. 
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on November 13, 2015, 04:45:44 am
My Dad and barakta are seriously lactose intolerant.
Obtaining Lactofree milk is very easy for a lazy online shopper.
I don't do much Clever Cookery so there's just all the other milk-free stuffs they can eat.
Simples.

I appreciate things would be different if I did Clever Cookery.
I'd probably just substitute Lactofree for ordinary cow juice throughout.

Sure, if someone has a genuine requirement and they're worth inviting to dinner then they're worth making an effort to make sure they can actually eat dinner.

If someone just feels like being excessively picky this week I don't necessarily feel like making a special journey or placing a special order and paying delivery charges just to humour them.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on November 13, 2015, 01:09:08 pm
Sure, if someone has a genuine requirement and they're worth inviting to dinner then they're worth making an effort to make sure they can actually eat dinner.

If someone just feels like being excessively picky this week I don't necessarily feel like making a special journey or placing a special order and paying delivery charges just to humour them.

How do you tell the difference, thobut?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on November 13, 2015, 01:33:57 pm
It seems to correlate strongly with belief in alternative healing practices, homeopathy, and hanging around Holland & Barrett stores.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on November 13, 2015, 02:16:20 pm
It seems to correlate strongly with belief in alternative healing practices, homeopathy, and hanging around Holland & Barrett stores.

But H&B sell those well tasty sweet chilli crackers. Deep fried goodness but as purchased from a health food shop entirely good for you!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on November 13, 2015, 02:30:16 pm
That's true.  While I know many people who are compelled by dietary circumstances to buy things most easily found in Holland & Barrett, it's always been in the style of a quick in-and-out raid, with hanging around kept to an absolute minimum.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on November 13, 2015, 02:37:06 pm
Holland and Barrett isn't a real healthfood store, it's national multiple chain, disguising itself behind a thin veneer of healthiness. I grew up being dragged to a healthfood store called Arjuna in Cambridge, now that's a real healthfood store. It has a distinctive smell that gives me nightmares to this day. It's all tie dyes, lentils and pulses, with badly photocopied leaflets on a wide range of crackpot ideas.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on November 13, 2015, 02:59:12 pm
See also: Canterbury Wholefoods (http://www.canterbury-wholefoods.co.uk/).

That smell.  Mysterious grains.  Newspaper clippings about bees and homoeopathy.  Re-using carrier bags before it was cool.  Staff who look like they're going to be round your house with pitchforks and flaming torches if they discover you eat meat.  Somehow I survived a lynching, probably because of my lesbian shoes.

They moved to new premises at one point and lost the 'shopfitting by freecycle' aesthetic, but gained a cafe that doesn't serve anything I'd class as food.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: SteveC on November 13, 2015, 03:05:30 pm
Holland and Barrett isn't a real healthfood store, it's national multiple chain, disguising itself behind a thin veneer of healthiness. I grew up being dragged to a healthfood store called Arjuna in Cambridge, now that's a real healthfood store. It has a distinctive smell that gives me nightmares to this day. It's all tie dyes, lentils and pulses, with badly photocopied leaflets on a wide range of crackpot ideas.
I have their cookbook somewhere. Had some decent recipes for a broke no longer a student type.
And while we're on a nostalgic proper whole food shop thing, anyone else remember Danaan's in Southampton?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on November 13, 2015, 03:23:28 pm
I give you Baldwins (http://www.baldwins.co.uk/) in Walworth Road.
I used to score a particular brand of multi-vitamin from them.
Until they stopped stocking it (as well as the rest of the range) on account of the manufacturer having become unethical  :o
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on November 13, 2015, 03:53:27 pm
Holland and Barrett isn't a real healthfood store, it's national multiple chain, disguising itself behind a thin veneer of healthiness. I grew up being dragged to a healthfood store called Arjuna in Cambridge, now that's a real healthfood store. It has a distinctive smell that gives me nightmares to this day. It's all tie dyes, lentils and pulses, with badly photocopied leaflets on a wide range of crackpot ideas.

I once purchased something from H&B to aid with sore joints. My requirement was something suitable for an asprin allergy sufferer.

On checking the product upon my return home- 'Not suitable if allergic to asprin' ::-)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on November 13, 2015, 04:23:24 pm
Mandala (http://www.healing-touch.co.uk/mandala2.htm) in Jesmond. Closed (http://www.healing-touch.co.uk/mandala_story.htm) now, of course. Loving that website.

Centre of the known universe. I think gluten is banned in Jesmond, now.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jakob W on November 13, 2015, 05:09:44 pm
The lecturer for my management modules at uni had done consultancy for H&B's parent company; apparently there H&B was known as 'the maximum profit division'.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on November 13, 2015, 06:35:34 pm
I see that frozen avocados are a thing now.....
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CrinklyLion on November 13, 2015, 07:22:21 pm
Single Step in Lancaster was where I used to buy hippy wholefoods,  And bread flour, some of which I turned into beer (not quite by magic - it was via the intermediate step of bread, which I gave to the the bar stewards who ran two of the college bars on campus).  It was also where I found the ad for the nicest house I ever rented - the one that came with a resident cat (Patch) and the secret lodger in the attic.

Anyway, I think that the tricky or complex food needs of obnoxious people are a pain in the arse, whether they are 'genuine' or 'faddy' or whatever.  This is because the person is obnoxious, not because their dietary requirements are.

For everyone else... well, I don't think it is up to me to judge or police what other people eat.  There can be a billion and one different reasons that someone does or doesn't eat a particular food stuff and it makes no difference to me what those reasons are, I still aim to respect 'em.  Apart from my kids, natch.  It's my Job to oblige them to eat vits and mins and stuff.  But otherwise I reckon that the Underpants Rule (https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/the-underpants-rule-and-you/) applies.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on November 14, 2015, 12:22:08 am
Sure, if someone has a genuine requirement and they're worth inviting to dinner then they're worth making an effort to make sure they can actually eat dinner.

If someone just feels like being excessively picky this week I don't necessarily feel like making a special journey or placing a special order and paying delivery charges just to humour them.

How do you tell the difference, thobut?

The first time it's hard to tell so you'd have to assume it wasn't just a fad. But if their dietary requirements shifted with what was trendy at the moment then I'd be inclined to ask some questions.

Ultimately I suppose if someone is really going to be so picky that they can only be fed by going to ever-increasing lengths to source unicorn tears and organically grown magic beans then sooner or later it becomes easier to meet them for lunch somewhere, and pass the problem onto someone else.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on November 14, 2015, 12:23:47 am
See also: Canterbury Wholefoods (http://www.canterbury-wholefoods.co.uk/).

That smell.  Mysterious grains.  Newspaper clippings about bees and homoeopathy.  Re-using carrier bags before it was cool.  Staff who look like they're going to be round your house with pitchforks and flaming torches if they discover you eat meat.  Somehow I survived a lynching, probably because of my lesbian shoes.

They moved to new premises at one point and lost the 'shopfitting by freecycle' aesthetic, but gained a cafe that doesn't serve anything I'd class as food.

You can usually tell health foods easily, on the basis they generally have less taste than the packaging they came in.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on November 14, 2015, 12:46:18 pm
I confess that I buy industrial sized bags of pecans from H&B, I'm completely addicted and eat about a half kilo a day. We all have a vice. For some it's cocaine and prostitutes, for me it's shelled pecan nuts. Supermarkets only do puny bags, and I need a serious score. Anyway, H&B was the only 'health food' store I could think of, not being particularly enticed by products that feature flax and carob my experience is limited.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on November 14, 2015, 04:59:45 pm
The customers in health food shops often look a bit ill.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: benborp on November 14, 2015, 07:29:30 pm
My aunt whose interests include embroidery, kittens and drinking Earl Grey contaminated milk popped round to offer some support when I was struggling to get a diagnosis for my malabsorption issues. It went down hill quite quickly. "You're not ill! You just need to fucking eat! Eat it! Eat the fucking pizza!" That's food intolerance intolerance.
Thinking back, once we knew what was going on my family treated me appallingly. Family events with no provision for me, sneering remarks if I brought my own food, turning up en mass at my home while my wife and I were working, clearing the cupboards for a slap up meal and allowing me to return past ten to be told 'I don't think there's anything for you, we don't know what you eat anymore.' It's one of the things that alienated them from my wife, who tried so much to keep food (one of our shared simple pleasures) interesting for us both. Eventually it all proved to taste and look too brown for her to bear anymore.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on November 14, 2015, 07:53:37 pm
See also: Canterbury Wholefoods (http://www.canterbury-wholefoods.co.uk/).

That smell.  Mysterious grains.  Newspaper clippings about bees and homoeopathy.  Re-using carrier bags before it was cool.  Staff who look like they're going to be round your house with pitchforks and flaming torches if they discover you eat meat.  Somehow I survived a lynching, probably because of my lesbian shoes.

They moved to new premises at one point and lost the 'shopfitting by freecycle' aesthetic, but gained a cafe that doesn't serve anything I'd class as food.
A propos of which, I had occasion today to introduce a world-famous published author and distinguished university professor* to the phrase 'lesbian tea'. Unfortunately we never got as far as lesbian biscuits.

*Some of these adjectives might be lies. Apart from 'published'. Whether read is another matter.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on November 14, 2015, 09:54:45 pm
See also: Canterbury Wholefoods (http://www.canterbury-wholefoods.co.uk/).

That smell.  Mysterious grains.  Newspaper clippings about bees and homoeopathy.  Re-using carrier bags before it was cool.  Staff who look like they're going to be round your house with pitchforks and flaming torches if they discover you eat meat.  Somehow I survived a lynching, probably because of my lesbian shoes.

They moved to new premises at one point and lost the 'shopfitting by freecycle' aesthetic, but gained a cafe that doesn't serve anything I'd class as food.
Back in the 70s I was a squatter in central London - as one was in this days. A whole foods shop opened selling pulses from recycled tea chests and barrels so I visited to get some red kidney beans. I still remember the look on the guys face as he asked what I was intending t do with the large sack of beans. I said 'Oh they are great with a load of mince and onion and chile'. I think he would have refused to sell me the beans if only he had known in advance.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on November 16, 2015, 11:10:36 am
See also: Canterbury Wholefoods (http://www.canterbury-wholefoods.co.uk/).

That smell.  Mysterious grains.  Newspaper clippings about bees and homoeopathy.  Re-using carrier bags before it was cool.  Staff who look like they're going to be round your house with pitchforks and flaming torches if they discover you eat meat.  Somehow I survived a lynching, probably because of my lesbian shoes.

They moved to new premises at one point and lost the 'shopfitting by freecycle' aesthetic, but gained a cafe that doesn't serve anything I'd class as food.
Back in the 70s I was a squatter in central London - as one was in this days. A whole foods shop opened selling pulses from recycled tea chests and barrels so I visited to get some red kidney beans. I still remember the look on the guys face as he asked what I was intending t do with the large sack of beans. I said 'Oh they are great with a load of mince and onion and chile'. I think he would have refused to sell me the beans if only he had known in advance.

I think the horror was the prospect of adding red kidney beans to a country before you ate it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on November 18, 2015, 11:24:15 am
French Golden Delicious?

French Pale Green Bland more like >:(
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on November 18, 2015, 03:07:48 pm
French Golden Delicious?

French Pale Green Bland more like >:(

Do people still eat these?
It must be decades since one passed my lips. They're a 'Taste of the Seventies' IMHO...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on November 18, 2015, 03:58:45 pm
French Golden Delicious?

French Pale Green Bland more like >:(

Do people still eat these?
It must be decades since one passed my lips. They're a 'Taste of the Seventies' IMHO...

Sadly yes. It is one of two varieties offered by the canteen. The other being Red Delicious ::-)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on November 18, 2015, 06:43:25 pm
I'm sure I mentioned my grandparents' ability to mummify fruit. I don't think they ever contemplated eating it, a deviance too far for people bought up on a diet of coal and fumes, eating fruit was as imponderable as homosexuality or the French. Anyway, once upon a time this child, upon admiring the long-standing ornamental bowl of fruit, was possessed of the strange and peculiar notion to take a bite out of one of those apples. That little nuggling of sibilant temptation. Truly, for a moment, I was Eve of Eden's blessed garden reaching out and sinking my teeth into that lasciviously green skinned flesh. I may as well have taken a bite out of Tutankhamen's four-thousand year old arse cheek. I think that apple was older than the Garden of Eden. It was probably forgotten in God's lunch box from the busy first week of creation.

Anyway, I'm a bit dubious about apples, I gag if I get once of those mushy or dry textured one. It's always a swift whack on the head with a stale madeleine that sends me tumbling back to that moment in my grandparents' parlour when I sink my teeth into that apple.

Supermarket apples are naff in general, no matter what they claim. We were wandering around Kent the other year when we stumbled across a shop on an apple farm and they had several varieties that simply don't make it to the shops. I have never eaten so many apples and they were in a completely different league to anything I've ever bought off the high street.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on November 18, 2015, 07:49:28 pm
French Golden Delicious?

French Pale Green Bland more like >:(

The French ones have always been crap.  The ones from South Africa used to be fantastic.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on November 19, 2015, 12:57:31 am
French Golden Delicious?

French Pale Green Bland more like >:(

The French ones have always been crap.  The ones from South Africa used to be fantastic.

I think you have a point.
I think I liked Golden Delicious when I was a teenager and they were OK then but it's such a long time ago...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on November 20, 2015, 01:31:57 pm

Supermarket apples are naff in general, no matter what they claim. We were wandering around Kent the other year when we stumbled across a shop on an apple farm and they had several varieties that simply don't make it to the shops. I have never eaten so many apples and they were in a completely different league to anything I've ever bought off the high street.

Here in Amish country summer is awash with fresh produce. The supermarkets sell generic rubbish that was fresh, once, a long long time ago in a land far far far away. If you want to know how fresh the produce is here, that morning it was probably still on the plant. That said I bought a bushel of peppers from an Amishman who was very apologetic that they were last week's harvest. Because they weren't fresh he only charged me $3 for the bushel.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on November 21, 2015, 05:13:27 pm
SWMBO used almost all the extra belegende gouda to make cheese straws, then stuck them in the oven and forgot about them.  :'(
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on December 02, 2015, 11:48:59 pm
Now, I can handle a mature cheddar. But I'm making a stand against cheese funk. Those mouldy, pongy, specimens that seem to strive and writhe for sentience. The ones that reach off the plate and grab your nose and squeeze it like Gripper Stebson on a bad day. Now I know there's a bit of eau de testosterone in those adventures among the high peaks of cheese funk and for all I know, brie is – in fact – congealed gallic jizz. That would make perfect sense.

First off, if food is mouldy, don't eat it. You wouldn't send your tongue galloping recklessly through the black forest of aspergillus on a wall with rising damp so don't think eating mouldy cheese is alright. If something smells like old, sweaty socks, chances are that it's to be avoided. You'd not ask for a second helping old tramp sock broth. Even Oliver Twist would have snuck out for Pot Noodle.

Goat cheese is definitely funky. I once ate a goaty babybel (they're green, be warned) in Buttes-Chaumont park in Paris. The shock made me roll down a hill and into a wall whereupon blood (red) fountained out of my head in quantities that threatened to make a me new tourist attraction. My wife 'apparently' didn't know green was cheese code for toxic-death-cheese. She tells the biggest, fattest lies every known. She's the Mistress of Lies.

But that's nothing compared to the Cheese Dalek. It's like if the French invented an evil robot to store the worst cheeses they could fathom, monuments to funk that even full-on-Frenchies realised were a bit too much, and then decided to dispose of it in space using some kind of primitive rocket-powered trebuchet. For several centuries it patiently orbited the Earth until the day it fell and landed in twenty-first century Montreuil-sur-Mer. Not knowing what to do with it and fearing for the world, the owners of a nearby restaurant decided the very best place to hide a cheese-filled robot horror machine from the middle ages was in their cellar dining room. Maybe, they thought, someone would just think it was antique furniture or somesuch, the kind of thing that lies around restaurants pour character.

That just happened to be the restaurant we'd booked. Now there was a bit of a smell, but the building had been around working up a sweat since the thirteenth century, and look at the all that period furniture, how utterly charming. But the smell got worse and worse. First I assumed that maybe they'd embedded plague victims in the wall, or that someone had inadvertently opened a hell portal and then invited all the demons to a all your-can-eat Jerusalem artichoke and asparagus festival.

I soldiered on till the dessert course. The waiter pulls out the cabinet behind me. I realised then that it was no cabinet. It was the Cheese Dalek. Within, o the horror, the horror. Even the waiter made an involuntary 'eugh' noise.

Subsequent research would seem to indicate the beating heart of the beast was Vieux Boulogne.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on December 03, 2015, 12:35:32 am
Mmmm.

Do you have a link to reservations for the Cheese Dalek?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on December 03, 2015, 12:51:40 am
I think Les Hauts de Montreuil.

You wonder what happened to the mer in Montreuil-sur-Mer. It ran from the Cheese Robot, that's what. I hate to think how powerful the Cheese Robot grown in the last decade. It's probably too late to stop it, even with some Pacific Rim scale robo-thumping shenanigans.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on December 03, 2015, 07:15:35 am
I have a biohazard cheese container for the fridge, complete with activated charcoal etc. It used to smell like someone had put the dogs poobags in the fridge or the cat had died in there but now all is sweet. Until I break the seal on the containment vessel, and then the rest of the family leave the room.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mrs Pingu on December 03, 2015, 10:19:13 pm
I was disappointed to see that it looks nothing like a Dalek.
Guardian smelliest cheese article   (http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2004/nov/26/research.highereducation)

I can't believe that Brebis is not on that list. That's the worst smelling cheese ever. Edit- probably just the stuff we had on Corsica.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: spesh on December 03, 2015, 10:32:35 pm
I was disappointed to see that it looks nothing like a Dalek.
Guardian smelliest cheese article   (http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2004/nov/26/research.highereducation)

I can't believe that Brebis is not on that list. That's the worst smelling cheese ever. Edit- probably just the stuff we had on Corsica.

As any student of the Asterix books will know, Corsican cheeses are lethal.  ;D

https://horadecubitus.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/img11.jpg

Quote from: a cheese enthusiast on a Corsican cheese
... it was probably moments past a point and oozing on the plate, a delicious, meaty, pungent, barnyardy, dirty-socky, floral, grassy cheese, and I loved it, but there was no denying that smelling it up close was like napalming your nostrils.

http://cheesenotes.com/post/7928111260/corsican-a-filetta
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on December 04, 2015, 09:48:28 am
Never mind smells, what about maggots...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casu_marzu

Another "delicacy"
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on December 04, 2015, 10:34:02 am
I tell you, they all smell like air freshener compared to Icelandic fermented shark. I brought some back and left it in the office for 10 minutes open - and cleared the place. I love foul cheese but the shark was beyond me.
There is apparently a norwegian tinned rotted fish that is illegal to open let alone consume indoors.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on December 04, 2015, 11:40:08 am
There are plenty of jokes about lutefisk being classified as a weapon of mass destruction.  I think it was what killed Stanley Tucci's character utterly to DETH in "Fortitude".
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on December 05, 2015, 04:48:34 am
There are plenty of jokes about lutefisk being classified as a weapon of mass destruction.  I think it was what killed Stanley Tucci's character utterly to DETH in "Fortitude".

I remember seeing lutefisk on a Norwegian cruise. I'd heard about it and was curious to taste it, but not curious enough to overcome the smell of it.

From what I gather it's basically fish that has been left to rot, then washed with caustic soda, then washed in water to get the caustic soda out again. I think some purists wash with caustic soda and water a second time, although whether that's to make it burn or in a desperate attempt to stop the stuff reeking so badly is another matter.

So short version, I declined the one chance I had to eat lutefisk.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Marco Stefano on December 05, 2015, 09:19:59 pm
I tell you, they all smell like air freshener compared to Icelandic fermented shark. I brought some back and left it in the office for 10 minutes open - and cleared the place. I love foul cheese but the shark was beyond me.
There is apparently a norwegian tinned rotted fish that is illegal to open let alone consume indoors.

A food microbiology textbook at work says something like 'most fermented foods are acidic and alkaline fermented foods are decidedly unpalatable, as anyone who has tried to eat Icelandic fermented shark would undoubtably agree.'

A microbiologists' meeting at a Nordic sugar factory ended in a ceremonial opening and eating of a can of 'surstromming' - outside. I am not convinced...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on December 06, 2015, 12:45:17 am
IIRC Dr Larrington has tried that fermented shark, and also some equally hideous-sounding sheep-related culinary atrocity.  OTOH I saw TV's Jeremy Wade try the shark and he didn't boak rich brown vomit long into the night, or at least not on camera.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Pingu on December 06, 2015, 11:10:01 am
...and also some equally hideous-sounding sheep-related culinary atrocity...

Reestit mutton?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fuzzy on December 07, 2015, 01:39:30 pm
That's nothing. I watched my bike shop boss start to cry and break into a proper sweat last night after accepting the challenge to down a teaspoon of Shito (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shito). he regularly accepts food challenges and Shito is apparently the worst thing he has ever done ;D
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on December 21, 2015, 06:40:18 pm
Yeah, whatever happened to round white plates?
Why do I keep getting food on a chopping board, in a mini metal bucket, on a fecking slate....

(http://www.iainclaridge.co.uk/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/hipster6.jpg)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on December 21, 2015, 09:06:40 pm
I was reading that in Mr Painsbusy's Toothed Emporium of Consumer Consumables the other day. Despite the pleas to "Stop laughing, Dad!" I did not.

Oddly, there did seem to be glasses in aitcH200Eau (and what a glorious name that is!)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on December 21, 2015, 11:20:50 pm
World. I bore you all with my tales of gin acquisition and beardy craft beer consumption. You don't see me meandering on about wine or scoffing chocolates.

So stop fucking buying me chocolate and wine. It's the other stuff.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: TheLurker on December 23, 2015, 05:13:24 pm
Cadbury's Creme Eggs.  On sale.  Yesterday.  Effing  ridiculous. That is all.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on December 23, 2015, 09:51:03 pm
I thought they sold Creme Eggs all year round these days?  Nasty things though they be.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on December 23, 2015, 10:06:08 pm
They were nasty enough before Mondelez remolished the chocolate. I have not sampled one since.
If they are as narsty as Milk tray, I shall continue to get my chocolate fix from Mr Sainsbury's Milk Chocolate chips (which are cheap, VAT-free and contain 29% cocoa solids).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Gattopardo on December 24, 2015, 01:30:52 am
I tell you, they all smell like air freshener compared to Icelandic fermented shark. I brought some back and left it in the office for 10 minutes open - and cleared the place. I love foul cheese but the shark was beyond me.
There is apparently a norwegian tinned rotted fish that is illegal to open let alone consume indoors.

The icelandic stuff needs to be drunk with the some funny alcohol.  Its a bit meh, ate it and didn't enjoy it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Gattopardo on December 24, 2015, 01:33:34 am
There are plenty of jokes about lutefisk being classified as a weapon of mass destruction.  I think it was what killed Stanley Tucci's character utterly to DETH in "Fortitude".

Opening a tin under water....have tried it, won't  go out of my way to try it again...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on December 24, 2015, 01:59:25 am
Cadbury's Creme Eggs.  On sale.  Yesterday.  Effing  ridiculous. That is all.

Meh, it's a bit late to be stocking the shelves for Easter.

I used to think the best thing about Thanksgiving (well, aside from the chance to eat my own body weight in turkey) was the fact it delayed the onslaught onset of Christmas until at least the end of November. But no, it seems multiple festivals can be catered for very well by retailers this side of the water. Piles of jumbo bags of candy ready for Halloween sit side by side with Thanksgiving stuff and the early preparations for Christmas. At least Valentine's Day isn't overrunning the shops just yet.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on January 05, 2016, 10:17:49 am
Stuck waiting in Waitrose (the clue is the name, but hey, free coffee) I was perusing the in-house magazine for recipe ideas (it's also handy to beat a path through the Mail readers, a Waitrose in Surrey is where Daily Mail readers go to avoid muslim asylum seekers, giving them a perfect opportunity to slip under their beds and start filling in those benefit claims). Anyway, it was a long wait, so in between amusing myself by watching people trying to park their main urban battle tanks as close to the entrance as possible (I've moved from anecdata, it's true that car size correlates with the need to park as close to the doors as possible), I read it from cover-to-cover (I also illicitly refilled my coffee, you can take the boy out of the council estate, but not the council estate out of the boy1).

So, what did I learn.

1. Gluten is the new Hitler.
2. Nigella Lawson keeps a ready stock of roasted sweet potatoes about her house. Explains the lumps in her sofa.
3. Gluten! Argh!
4. A letters page that doesn't mention muslim asylum seekers outside the context of freekeh recipes.
5. I have no idea how to pronounce 'freekeh' so I'm doing it in a funk-style freak-EH! YEAH!
6. It's the new quinoa. Shit. I just learned how to pronounce quinoa. You have no idea how long that took.
7. There's more drizzling going on than Hebden Bridge on a January Wednesday. They drizzle like an incontinent man in a Hozelock factory.
8. Gluten! Argh!
9. Peas on toast is the new avocado on toast. They mess this up big time by not using proper mushy marrowfat peas. Garden peas. FFS.
10. The travel section at the back is upside down.

ObRant: I'm getting more intolerant of gluten intolerance. Soon entire supermarkets will be split down the middle, on one side, the gluten, on the other, the gluten-free. They'll stare and snort, eyeing each other like wary boxers. If I were lactose intolerant I'd be royally pissed off. The antiglutenistas bumped you.

1. Larrer's style footnote (licence fee payable)2
2. Lie. Our neighbours were settled travellers, my dad probably did buy your TV from the neighbour. My grandparents lived on a council estate which was officially posh. Because indoor plumbing.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on January 05, 2016, 07:25:55 pm
in between amusing myself by watching people trying to park their main urban battle tanks as close to the entrance as possible (I've moved from anecdata, it's true that car size correlates with the need to park as close to the doors as possible)

I'm sure you have fond memories of people in the US moving monstrous SUVs barely 100 yards from the parking area outside one shop to the parking area outside the adjacent shop. Honestly, it would have been a shorter walk to just go from Shop A to Shop B and then to the car, but they insist on walking from Shop A to the car, then driving to Shop B parking, then walking from car to Shop B, rinse and repeat for shops C through whatever. Here the norm is to take the car when you're going to a place the other side of the road. It's truly staggering. And then people wonder why Americans get to weigh more than their SUVs. And that's a challenge, given the size of some of the pickups SUVs over here.

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I also illicitly refilled my coffee

Of course around here there's no such thing as an illicit refill. Sometimes it almost seems as if Not Having Refills is the suspicious behaviour. You don't want a refill? What's wrong with you? How are you supposed to weigh more than your SUV without a huge influx of sugar? Look at you, you can't even weigh 400 pounds yet. Get some more lard down you. And of course when you order an unsweetened ice tea it comes with about six little bags of sugar just in case you change your mind and decide you want it sickly sweet. And then on the table there are more little bags of sugar, and Splenda, and Sweet-N-Low, and whatever other sweetener is out there that's only suitable for people who can have lactose but not glucose, or can have gluten but only if it's kosher, and somewhere among them is the bag of good old fashioned table sugar. Sucrose at its finest. I'm surprised nobody offered pumpkin flavoured sugar in the several weeks either side of Halloween.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on January 05, 2016, 08:07:25 pm
I remember once, in suburban Virginia, being offered a lift from Chilis to my hotel. On the other side of the modest restaurant parking lot. I was only in Chilis because it was the nearest source of beer-related beverages. I'm like seriously, I can see my room. And yes, I said it like a teenage girl. Wither under my contempt. And she's like You sure? Yes, I am sure I can walk 50 yards. Even American ones. I could do it in high heels and I'm 100% USDA approved boy counterbalanced with three pints of non-domestic draft. She wouldn't, alas, loan me her shoes. They won't fit, she declared. Like whatever, Cinderella. Actually, martinis might have been involved. I think I had to eat her car keys. Probably one of the better desserts I've had at Chilis.

But this is Surrey, and it's quite a spectacle. There's two strategies. One, favoured by Audi drivers, is simply to stop by the doors and wait for a space to become free. The other (BMWs, Mercedes, the godforsaken) is to orbit the car park like they're looking for a spot anywhere but they're not. They want that spot, right by the doors, and they'll orbit this car park until the sun sparks out if that is what it takes. Then they find a spot. The fun is only just starting. Because British car parks weren't built with cars the size of well-fed brontosaurus dumps in mind. Watching these idiots try to park in such spaces is the seventh funniest thing in the known universe. In. Out. In. A little to the left. No, no, to the left. It's like a Martin Amis description of sex.

There's thread somewhere herein called 'urethral milking' which I was horribly, horribly disappointed to learn wasn't a sex thing I could silkily insert into casual conversation. Instead it's a practical technique for men to empty the more obscure avenues and cul-de-sacs of their willy wonkerish indoor plumping into a toilet bowl rather than their underpants. Anyway, any number of prostate problems can be cured by a hour or two in a NYC diner. There's enough weak coffee refills to ensure any man can probably piss hard enough to hit Pennsylvania. I hit the Liberty Bell from 24th and 3rd the other year.

Kosher. Gluten Free. Paleo. I see it now. I have a pitch for Fox. When Diets Collide.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 05, 2016, 10:25:24 pm
For some reason most of the cheap-ass motels I stay in while in Leftpondia have about twelve sachets of artificial sweetener to one of proper sugar to accompany the "in-room coffee-making facilities".  And artificial sweetener makes tea taste funny.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on January 06, 2016, 04:40:26 am
I remember once, in suburban Virginia, being offered a lift from Chilis to my hotel. On the other side of the modest restaurant parking lot. I was only in Chilis because it was the nearest source of beer-related beverages. I'm like seriously, I can see my room. And yes, I said it like a teenage girl. Wither under my contempt. And she's like You sure? Yes, I am sure I can walk 50 yards. Even American ones. I could do it in high heels and I'm 100% USDA approved boy counterbalanced with three pints of non-domestic draft. She wouldn't, alas, loan me her shoes. They won't fit, she declared. Like whatever, Cinderella. Actually, martinis might have been involved. I think I had to eat her car keys. Probably one of the better desserts I've had at Chilis.

It's amazing how easily the "drive everywhere" mindset can set in. When I lived in London I wouldn't drive anything less than about 5 miles because of the hassles of traffic, parking, traffic getting back home, hassles parking back at home, and the minor detail that having to drive imposed a tighter restriction on the amount of beer I could drink than I was entirely happy with. Yes, I'd drive the one mile to Homebase if I planned to buy something sufficiently big and heavy that I really couldn't get it home without the aid of an engine, although I did once borrow a flatbed trolley to haul a garden table and six chairs home, and duly returned it once I'd unloaded it (which seemed more responsible, even if more effort, than parking it with its brethren in the nearest river)

And then over here the infrastructure is so geared to the assumption that everybody drives everywhere that sometimes it can be difficult to actually walk somewhere. In the nearest small town trying to figure the best place to cross the road isn't a trivial exercise, but of course in the car you can just move from one car park the size of Bolivia to another at least a few seconds faster than you could walk the distance. Or at least that would be so if you could figure out where to cross the road.

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But this is Surrey, and it's quite a spectacle. There's two strategies. One, favoured by Audi drivers, is simply to stop by the doors and wait for a space to become free. The other (BMWs, Mercedes, the godforsaken) is to orbit the car park like they're looking for a spot anywhere but they're not. They want that spot, right by the doors, and they'll orbit this car park until the sun sparks out if that is what it takes. Then they find a spot. The fun is only just starting. Because British car parks weren't built with cars the size of well-fed brontosaurus dumps in mind. Watching these idiots try to park in such spaces is the seventh funniest thing in the known universe. In. Out. In. A little to the left. No, no, to the left. It's like a Martin Amis description of sex.

My experience of Surrey was that unless you were spectacularly adept at climbing out of the sunroof most car parks were woefully undersized. It only took one car to be anything other than perfectly central within its allocated space before either the driver or the passenger was going to have to perform some gymnastics worthy of the Kama Sutra just to get out of the car. That's something I don't miss here, where parking spaces are about the size of Derbyshire and even if you're driving a super-sized SUV you can pretty much just swerve in the general direction of the space and throw the doors open before leaping out with the same joie de vivre that actually finding a space in London generates but without the near certainty of dinging the sides of the car parked so close you can barely get a cigarette paper between them both. And instead of paying through the nose to park, round here the machines still take nickels. You don't get long for a nickel but when you can park for 15 minutes for the equivalent of 3p you really don't miss London parking arrangements. It's just as well the $1 coin isn't accepted because if it were your parking ticket would expire "sometime next week, maybe Thursday"

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There's thread somewhere herein called 'urethral milking' which I was horribly, horribly disappointed to learn wasn't a sex thing I could silkily insert into casual conversation. Instead it's a practical technique for men to empty the more obscure avenues and cul-de-sacs of their willy wonkerish indoor plumping into a toilet bowl rather than their underpants. Anyway, any number of prostate problems can be cured by a hour or two in a NYC diner. There's enough weak coffee refills to ensure any man can probably piss hard enough to hit Pennsylvania. I hit the Liberty Bell from 24th and 3rd the other year.

Round here the problem isn't weak coffee, it's truly dismal coffee. Coffee so bad you wish it was weak on the basis that way you wouldn't be able to taste it. It's much like the way traditional American lagers are served ice cold because it's the only way you can tell them from urine. If the urinals are plumbed straight back into the keg they at least need to wait a while to chill it and carbonate it before serving it again. I'm convinced nobody would notice, as long as it was ice cold. But the coffee, coffee so bad you'd think it was a drain cleaner or something. Maybe it was in a previous life. It seems the dreaded filter machines are to blame. At least in a place that serves espresso you can blame the numbskull who makes it for not knowing their basket from their elbow, but when it's filter coffee once it's been brewed it sits there on the hotplate, unloved and unwanted, until someone takes pity on it and takes it home. It really is like the 15-year-old St Bernard with bladder control issues in the rescue home, except it doesn't taste as good. And then among the quagmire of truly awful coffee comes the odd gem - a place that serves coffee that goes beyond barely tolerable and is actually pleasant to drink. Remarkably, coffee from Sheetz (the gas station chain) is pleasant to drink. Admittedly with 463 different varieties of creamer, sweetener, milk and coffee there's bound to be a combination in there to suit anybody however finicky they might be, but there you go. Aside from that it seems to be the occasional diner that does good coffee at least some of the time. I wonder if there's a single barista who knows what they are doing in this area, and they work one day at a time. You have a nice coffee and, lulled into a false sense of security, go back for coffee. That's when you get the burnt abomination that tastes like a camel rider's jockstrap on a hot Friday afternoon.

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Kosher. Gluten Free. Paleo. I see it now. I have a pitch for Fox. When Diets Collide.

That would be quite a show. You could air the same show on Fox and MSNBC so the two sides could argue over whether Bush or Obama was to blame for it.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 06, 2016, 09:38:40 am
Considering the USAnians pride themselves on their coffee, most of what is available for public consumption is rank enow that cheapskate BRITISH horriblemarket own-brand is veritable nectar by comparison.  You know that coffee made from beans that have passed through the digestive tracts of weasels?  The boak advertised as "coffee" in for e.g. USAnian diners, motels, prisons etc. is made from the part of the weasel poo that isn't undigested coffee bean.

I stand by this observation.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on January 06, 2016, 10:21:56 am
Yes, US coffee. It's an abomination. When I took my first steamboat to the Americas I was excited to find a world where coffee didn't appear to come in jars that could readily substitute for Bisto gravy granules (or vice versa). In the US, coffee came in tins and you know you my thoughts on things in tins. Tomorrow's World promised me a future in a can.

I don't know what they do with it. You can empty an entire industrial sized tin of Folgers into your coffeemaker and get out something that looks like it was passed by someone in the late stages of dysentery. They made the water brown. Like bacon, the coffee seems to have gone somewhere. Guantanamo? They've renditioned the flavour. Extraordinary. And then, yes, it sits on the filter machine slowing stewing until there is an actual flavour, just one you'd never want to meet.

Not content with stripping out the low, middle, and high notes – the entire fucking symphony – of flavour they then insist on serving it in buckets big enough to drown the entire bloody orchestra in. A 32 oz coffee? That's like an elephant's bladderful. And probably tastes worse. It ought to be obvious sign of the problem that you need to add artificial flavours. I remember when I first saw that – hazelnut-flavoured creamer – it's a mistake you make once. You may as well get a squirrel to jerk off into your coffee. At least that might taste of hazelnuts.

It has got a bit better in recent years, but there's still the dreaded conference and hotel coffee. Proudly Served by Starbucks. That's my heart taking the express elevator down. I need caffeine. It's important for my mental buoyancy. All I'm doing by drinking that stuff is making my kidneys cry as they desperately try to sieve out a few grains of caffeine.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on January 06, 2016, 11:05:16 am
(I've moved from anecdata, it's true that car size correlates with the need to park as close to the doors as possible)

Unless it's a handy wee Porsche.  Some years ago I was standing inside the doors of Darty watching the downpour and waiting to belt to our modest jalopy when a Porsche pulled into the "Handicapped" space just outside and the driver hopped out and bounded in like a dancer.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Efrogwr on January 06, 2016, 05:35:51 pm
Peas on toast?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on January 06, 2016, 06:19:37 pm
Yes, US coffee. It's an abomination. When I took my first steamboat to the Americas I was excited to find a world where coffee didn't appear to come in jars that could readily substitute for Bisto gravy granules (or vice versa). In the US, coffee came in tins and you know you my thoughts on things in tins. Tomorrow's World promised me a future in a can.

US coffee is very much like US beer. There seems to be no middle ground, just some truly awesomeness at one end and the abomination from the pits of hell at the other. The abomination came from the pits of hell because even the devil had a little mercy on his subjects and rejected it for being just too vile.

So just like American beer means Coors Lite on one end (is that stuff really considered to be beer? It's more like fizzy urine, and a drink that doesn't have a taste anyone could find palatable and doesn't have enough alcohol in it to even get a slight buzz loses and claim to be called beer) and the proliferation of truly awesome microbreweries at the other end, so the low end of American coffee could be described as tragic, were it not an affront to the term.

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I don't know what they do with it. You can empty an entire industrial sized tin of Folgers into your coffeemaker and get out something that looks like it was passed by someone in the late stages of dysentery. They made the water brown. Like bacon, the coffee seems to have gone somewhere. Guantanamo? They've renditioned the flavour. Extraordinary. And then, yes, it sits on the filter machine slowing stewing until there is an actual flavour, just one you'd never want to meet.

That reminded me of one of the whiskey bottles I saw on a recent visit to the liquor store over here. I was on the prowl for something good, and in the end selected a 10 year old bottle of Laphroaig (which, with a combination of the sale they had on and a voucher given out for no readily apparent reason cost me the eminently reasonable sum of $40). Along the way I found a bottle with an encouraging name, which was something like Old Crow. From the colour of it I had to wonder whether it was distilled crow urine or maybe just distilled aged crow. When a 1.5 litre bottle still costs under $10 it's hard to imagine it being anything other than an alcohol-fuelled abomination that makes even blue-label Thunderbird look positively delectable.

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Not content with stripping out the low, middle, and high notes – the entire fucking symphony – of flavour they then insist on serving it in buckets big enough to drown the entire bloody orchestra in. A 32 oz coffee? That's like an elephant's bladderful. And probably tastes worse. It ought to be obvious sign of the problem that you need to add artificial flavours. I remember when I first saw that – hazelnut-flavoured creamer – it's a mistake you make once. You may as well get a squirrel to jerk off into your coffee. At least that might taste of hazelnuts.

Ah yes, creamers. The abominations added to abominations in the vain hope that the result will taste less awful than either of the two individual abominations. It's like the idea that something really really dismal mixed with something else really really dismal might result in something only marginally dismal. I wonder why people bother but then see the line snaking out of the door at McDonalds and figure people would rather know they'll get something disappointing than take the chance they'll get something disappointing. I say "disappointing" using typical British reserve, the last time I ate anything from Burger King in this country (September 2013) it took all my resolve not to open the door of the car and throw the whole lot out onto the interstate, it was that bad. Needless to say I haven't darkened their door since. I can just about believe there was something that may once have been part of a cow buried under the endless layers of white goo, red goo, yellow goo and whatever else they put in it.

The creamers really are like spraying Lynx deodorants over a tramp who hasn't washed in a week. Neither smells great but maybe the smell of one will mask the smell of the other, at least a little. It starts to smell like a blend of two unpleasant aromas rather than one individual stench that strips the last shreds of hope from the sinuses.

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It has got a bit better in recent years, but there's still the dreaded conference and hotel coffee. Proudly Served by Starbucks. That's my heart taking the express elevator down. I need caffeine. It's important for my mental buoyancy. All I'm doing by drinking that stuff is making my kidneys cry as they desperately try to sieve out a few grains of caffeine.

It's easy to see why Starbucks are proud to serve what they do. I'm currently paying a little under $4 for a gallon of milk, which means about 50c/pint. Wouldn't you be proud to report to your financial overlords that you'd found yet another bunch of suckers willing to pay $5 for 50c worth of milk and a splash of cheap and nasty coffee? And not only do people pay through the nose for their cup of warm brown disappointment but they come back for more. It's back to the McDonalds phenomenon, even when people know it's overpriced crap they still stand in line to buy it.

Back in England when I worked someone else's clock I used to take my own coffee to the office. Now if I'm visiting a site and know I'll want caffeine (which is highly likely) I stop at the Sheetz on the way and get some. I know their stuff is pleasant to drink even if many people do desecrate their coffee with a range of improbably flavoured creamers. It's entirely self-serve which means I can go straight to the Sumatran dispenser, add some milk and be done with it. Our local Sheetz opened back in about September and were giving coffee for free for the first three months they were open. I honestly have no idea how many free coffees I drank from that place, other than to note that some days I got one on the way out and another on the way back. The funny thing was that when they started charging they beeped my MySheetz loyalty card and I found that the free coffees they had registered to my card qualified me for a free coffee. Which was a good result. Taking free stuff qualifies me to get some more free stuff. Only in America.





Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: rafletcher on January 06, 2016, 07:19:09 pm
When I visited Manhattan around 30 years ago, my first visit to the US, I was appalled to discover the coffee was crap. My host explained "we won't pay more than 5c a cup and expect free refills. You get what you (don't) pay for"
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Feanor on January 06, 2016, 11:03:12 pm
I was listening to a discussion between Spanish,  Italian,  and  Ozzies recently on this topic.

The consensus was that it relates to the generation of Italian immigrants.

In the US, the coffee culture came from early Italian immigrants who were pre-espresso, and so non pressurised filter cofee became the norm.
Pressurised brewing  came later, and places with newer immigrant populations got the newer superior tech.

Pressurised brewing can extract more of the flavour components than dribbling filter methods, it seems.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on January 06, 2016, 11:17:48 pm
When I visited Manhattan around 30 years ago, my first visit to the US, I was appalled to discover the coffee was crap. My host explained "we won't pay more than 5c a cup and expect free refills. You get what you (don't) pay for"

... and now Starbucks charge anything up to $5 for a cup with no free refills and it's still crap.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on January 06, 2016, 11:21:28 pm
I was listening to a discussion between Spanish,  Italian,  and  Ozzies recently on this topic.

The consensus was that it relates to the generation of Italian immigrants.

In the US, the coffee culture came from early Italian immigrants who were pre-espresso, and so non pressurised filter cofee became the norm.
Pressurised brewing  came later, and places with newer immigrant populations got the newer superior tech.

Pressurised brewing can extract more of the flavour components than dribbling filter methods, it seems.

I think it's more a case of "pay peanuts, get monkeys".

I've been to a few places in the UK that had a nice SHINY espresso machine but still managed to produce a coffee so bad it spoiled the entire evening. It's a shame when you've had a really nice meal and the taste left in your mouth as you leave is from a coffee so bad you wonder if they really did just scrape up some dog shit off the street outside and add lots of hot water. As a rule unless I know somewhere serves good coffee I won't have a coffee after a meal simply because I don't want any more nice meals ruined with crappy coffee.

Sheetz coffee is drip filter and tastes pretty good. A barista who knows what they are doing can make a really good coffee with an espresso machine. Someone who thinks the purpose of the tamper is just to make the coffee grounds nice and level in the basket is unlikely to produce a coffee worth drinking. Sadly they all charge the same price, which is pretty lame when you pay full whack for a coffee and get what tastes like slurry.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on January 07, 2016, 09:58:01 am
Well, I don't like espresso, so filter ought to be fine. It's what I live off, and my CoffeeBot is American. For some reason, from many US coffees the flavour has either fled or been stolen. I initially thought it was just the amount of ground coffee, but no, I established than you could use an entire tin and it would still taste of nothing. That and the trend to leave it stewing in the pot for an aeon despite the fact that filter coffee can be safely consumed fresh. The result genuinely tastes like they've burned water. Give it another hour and it tastes like they've strained that water through a tramp's underpants. CoffeeBot has a thermos (which the hot plate warms up and then turns off).
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on January 07, 2016, 11:25:18 am
America is taken by the Keurig K Cup system, basically one cup disposable filters, to prevent stewed pot coffee. So they are getting more fussy.

I find it hard to discuss coffee with people unless they rank what sort of coffee they like rankings in order of preference when well made:

Turkish coffee (am lazy and will only get in restaurants, basically I like cardamom and sugar)
Filter coffee black (including pour over)
Espresso in milk based drink
Instant
Espresso black
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 07, 2016, 11:53:40 am
America is taken by the Keurig K Cup system, basically one cup disposable filters, to prevent stewed pot coffee. So they are getting more fussy.

Those are even showing up in some of the pikey lodging houses I tend to use Over There.  And how do you use one to get hot water for Proper Tea because your kettle died on its arse, eh?  EH?
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on January 07, 2016, 12:40:17 pm
America is taken by the Keurig K Cup system, basically one cup disposable filters, to prevent stewed pot coffee. So they are getting more fussy.

I find it hard to discuss coffee with people unless they rank what sort of coffee they like rankings in order of preference when well made:

Turkish coffee (am lazy and will only get in restaurants, basically I like cardamom and sugar)
Filter coffee black (including pour over)
Espresso in milk based drink
Instant
Espresso black

1) coffee cake
2) coffee walnut whip
3) coffee creams
4) that's all.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Dibdib on January 07, 2016, 12:57:38 pm
I've never suffered the delights of American cwaffee, but

0) coffee-based cakes and confectionery
1) flat white/latte (one a day, tops, usually one a week)
2) espresso (only after a restaurant dinner)
3) filter/pourover/aeropress (black, no sugar, if the coffee's good)
4) tea (milk and one, free at work)
5) instant (if I just need an early morning cup of hot brown caffeine)
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on January 07, 2016, 01:02:21 pm
I drink filter coffee (in oceanic quantities). I wish all espresso machines would spring a leak and slowly expire. It's only tolerable in a latte. And yes, because I'm not bloody Italian, I pronounce it lar-tay.

I was happy when Starbucks started doing filter coffee, until I discovered they'd replicated the piss weak US coffee experience perfectly.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Dibdib on January 07, 2016, 01:21:02 pm
I don't think I've used my (cheap'n'cheerful) espresso machine since I got my Aeropress. It's just so much nicer IMO.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: mike on January 07, 2016, 02:06:16 pm
I don't think I've used my (cheap'n'cheerful) espresso machine since I got my Aeropress. It's just so much nicer IMO.

Same.... It's really difficult being enthusiastic when someone offers to treat you with something from their ne*presso machine. 

"we've got some lovely vanilla flavoured pods, would you like one?"  No.  No I wouldn't.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on January 07, 2016, 02:25:23 pm
I drink this Vietnamese coffee called Trung Nguyen S (a habit picked up after a holiday there, I'm soooo middle class), they claim it's not flavoured, but it's remarkably chocolately, so much so that I've dropped my objection to flavoured coffees.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on January 07, 2016, 02:49:59 pm
I don't think I've used my (cheap'n'cheerful) espresso machine since I got my Aeropress. It's just so much nicer IMO.

Same.... It's really difficult being enthusiastic when someone offers to treat you with something from their ne*presso machine. 

"we've got some lovely vanilla flavoured pods, would you like one?"  No.  No I wouldn't.

We dumped out notspresso machine for a proper pricey bean to cup (Jura) and we are all very happy. With decent coffee it is just perfect and does the whole milky drink range too. I prefer a double ristretto with 2 seconds of foam on top. Kind of a modified macciato. Mmm.

At work its aeropress or tea.

I now hate nespresso, the coffee is just dire.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on January 07, 2016, 03:01:59 pm
My coffeebot grinds the beans fresh and makes a perfect pot of strong filter coffee (that's happily waiting for me each morning). I dunno why the outside world can't replicate this and filter coffee has to taste likes it's been through a dozen Fosters drinkers or like it's been sitting there on the hob for six weeks as a prop in some television police procedural.

I hate americanos with a passion. Nasty, nasty stuff. When I ask for coffee, I want coffee, not a diluted espresso shot.

One of the few benefits of posh restaurants is that if you insist on a strong filter coffee, they can't flog you off with we only have an espresso machine. I'll accept a cafetiere coffee as a substitute, or any kind of posh pour-over. No more americanos.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on January 07, 2016, 03:24:59 pm
I'm still governed by economics, I will rinse and dry and my pour over paper filters and use them at least twice.

Nespresso lost its appeal when Nestle brought out commercial Nespresso that were a different shape that meant people couldn't half inch capsules from their place of work.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 07, 2016, 04:49:35 pm
Nespresso lost its appeal when Nestle brought out commercial Nespresso that were a different shape that meant people couldn't half inch capsules from their place of work.

The rotters!  Have they never read "Build A Better Life By Stealing Office Supplies"?

I have a small espresso machine somewhere.  That Miss von Brandenburg didn't take it with her along with the ironing board shows how much use it got.  Also I've lost the instructions.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on January 07, 2016, 10:55:05 pm
I never understood Nespresso. Was making coffee ever that difficult it required it to be delivered in expensive little capsules by George Clooney? Put some coffee in a pot, pour hot water over it. Erm, that's about it. I only have a Cuisinart CoffeeBot v2.0 because my wife's doesn't have an early morning coffee making function. Attempts to activate it seem to trigger the incredulity mode. The only thing she does in the kitchen is tut at the mess I'm always apparently in the process of making.

I have a week of Proudly Brewed by Starbucks conference coffee coming up. I've been the hotel before, you know what the alternative is. Starbucks itself. I think the organiser just go there and buy a big americano (I'm not fucking saying venti or grande either) and the dilute it to homeopathic proportions to serve to 700 people.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: geraldc on January 07, 2016, 11:05:19 pm
Clooney was brought in to sell Nespresso to the US and UK. Nespresso managed to conquer most of Europe by itself. I haven't been to a hotel in Europe for a couple of years that didn't have a Nespresso in the room.  Nespresso is consistent and easy to clean up.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: ian on January 07, 2016, 11:16:22 pm
Possibly in a hotel, but I never trust hotel coffee facilities, I think the staff spit in them. But your own sacred kitchen? Really, you want to recreate the bartonfink experience in your own home? I don't. But then I've spent entire decades in hotels. Or so it feels. I only say in hotels as quirky as I can twist the mothership's expense system these days, gawd knows I don't want to see the inside of another Marriott* or Hilton. Kimptons are quite nice and the mothership hasn't yet managed to root them out of the approved list. They bring decent coffee to my room. Mind you, I suppose they might have a Nespresso machine in the kitchen.

*with the exception of the one in Melville, Long Island, which makes me feel like I starring in unshown episode of Space 1999. I once detailed this in a long explanation to younger female colleague (yes, they're safe, I've been married long enough to find other women a foreign country with unfamiliar customs) and about two hours and four drinks later she's (like) what's Space 1999.

Another two hours and four drinks later she probably regretted asking.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on January 08, 2016, 05:15:24 am
I don't think I've used my (cheap'n'cheerful) espresso machine since I got my Aeropress. It's just so much nicer IMO.

Same.... It's really difficult being enthusiastic when someone offers to treat you with something from their ne*presso machine. 

"we've got some lovely vanilla flavoured pods, would you like one?"  No.  No I wouldn't.

That reminds me of the father of a many-years-ago former girlfriend, who was utterly taken with Teachers whisky. So to gain a few brownie points I used to get him a bottle for birthdays and Christmas. He was always particularly struck by the fact it was a litre bottle rather than the regular 700ml bottles.

In turn it created a potentially awkward situation because he'd inevitably offer to open the bottle and share it with me. I love whisky, although in my book Teachers is best suited for putting into cheap coffee. Thankfully I usually had to drive so always had a good excuse not to share the wretched stuff.

It's always sad when someone has a fancy machine and uses it to produce utter crap. It's also a little awkward when someone knows I just love coffee and offers something so far removed from anything I'd consider to be coffee that it's a balancing act between trying hard not to grimace when drinking it or coming up with an excuse to not drink it. Thankfully most such encounters occur in the evening, which provides for a handy "I'd love to but coffee this late will keep me awake".
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: menthel on January 08, 2016, 10:13:24 am
Clooney was brought in to sell Nespresso to the US and UK. Nespresso managed to conquer most of Europe by itself. I haven't been to a hotel in Europe for a couple of years that didn't have a Nespresso in the room.  Nespresso is consistently shite and bad for the environment.

FTFY
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 08, 2016, 10:24:13 am
*with the exception of the one in Melville, Long Island, which makes me feel like I starring in unshorn episode of Space 1999. I once detailed this in a long explanation to younger female colleague (yes, they're safe, I've been married long enough to find other women a foreign country with unfamiliar customs) and about two hours and four drinks later she's (like) what's Space 1999.

Another two hours and four drinks later she probably regretted asking.


Reminds me of the time my chum Mr Lem found himself explaining who Devo were to a twenty-something PSO.  It was later observed that it was a good job my grate frend Mr Krause was not around that year due to his marked resemblance to Frank Zappa.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CAMRAMan on January 08, 2016, 05:33:48 pm
Same.... It's really difficult being enthusiastic when someone offers to treat you with something from their ne*presso machine. 
"we've got some lovely vanilla flavoured pods, would you like one?"  No.  No I wouldn't.
On 25/12, at my sister's house, I had to feign delight at being served such slurry. "We got them especially for you, as we know you like good coffee." She'd made an effort, I spose, so it would've been churlish to do anything other than pretend to like it. Except, I'll get the same thing next time I visit.

The thing is, she has my good coffee when she visits me and sees how much time and effort goes into each cup that she declares is 'de-lish' and keenly accepts another cup. Why then, does she think that a nasty little sachet thingy is going to produce a beverage of equal quality? And it's Nestlé. And she reads the Daily Heil.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Kim on January 08, 2016, 05:36:42 pm
The thing is, she has my good coffee when she visits me and sees how much time and effort goes into each cup that she declares is 'de-lish' and keenly accepts another cup. Why then, does she think that a nasty little sachet thingy is going to produce a beverage of equal quality? And it's Nestlé. And she reads the Daily Heil.

This may be your answer.  Just need a "sachet coffee causes cancer" story.  There should be one along shortly.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CAMRAMan on January 08, 2016, 05:45:06 pm
As the cook-in-the-bag chicken in the fridge was getting to its use-by date, I emailed home to ask that it be put into the oven according to the instructions. So, what happens? Instructions are ignored and the bag cut open and the ex-bird put into the oven. FFS!
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on January 09, 2016, 04:04:09 am
Same.... It's really difficult being enthusiastic when someone offers to treat you with something from their ne*presso machine. 
"we've got some lovely vanilla flavoured pods, would you like one?"  No.  No I wouldn't.
On 25/12, at my sister's house, I had to feign delight at being served such slurry. "We got them especially for you, as we know you like good coffee." She'd made an effort, I spose, so it would've been churlish to do anything other than pretend to like it. Except, I'll get the same thing next time I visit.

The thing is, she has my good coffee when she visits me and sees how much time and effort goes into each cup that she declares is 'de-lish' and keenly accepts another cup. Why then, does she think that a nasty little sachet thingy is going to produce a beverage of equal quality? And it's Nestlé. And she reads the Daily Heil.

Why does she believe? Because the marketing men told her, so it must be so. If you choose to spend half an hour grinding beans by hand to the perfect coarseness, tamping a precisely measured quantity into a basket by hand and to a specific pressure, then waiting for the water to heat to the required temperature before being forced through the grounds at just the right pressure, and all the while you could have just dropped a pod in a machine and pressed the button, that's your issue rather than hers.

The alternative is that "good coffee" means different things to different people. Just look at the people standing in line at Charbucks to get their daily fix of warm brown disappointment.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Tigerrr on January 09, 2016, 07:34:13 am
I have a nespresso. I admit I don't have enough beard to spend all that time grinding, tamping, cleaning and tweaking a shrine in the kitchen. It works OK and cheaper than Nero, although not as good as from kiwi lumberjacks.
It
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: fboab on January 09, 2016, 08:25:42 am
I'm glad I can't drink coffee. I might end up as up my own arse as much as all you coffee snobs.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Dibdib on January 09, 2016, 08:35:05 am
Exactly. It's possible to like both. I hang around with enough full-on coffee geeks (one of my good friends is a full time barista at an indie coffee place and is about as nerdy about it as some people here are about [obscure bike topic]) but if someone makes me a cup of instant, that's fine too.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on January 09, 2016, 09:23:59 am
It's also possible to find some variations on a coffee theme to be either particularly nice or particularly minging without it turning you into a snob.

Besides, this *is* a rant thread.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Dibdib on January 09, 2016, 09:43:29 am
It's also possible to find some variations on a coffee theme to be either particularly nice or particularly minging without it turning you into a snob.

Besides, this *is* a rant thread.

Oh god, yes. People who think espresso is The One True Coffee any anything less is watery mud. *eye roll*
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CAMRAMan on January 09, 2016, 10:07:54 am
Ignoring the two minutes it takes for the machine to warm up, it takes <1 minute to knock out a decent, milky coffee.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Hot Flatus on January 09, 2016, 10:16:34 am
It's also possible to find some variations on a coffee theme to be either particularly nice or particularly minging without it turning you into a snob.

Besides, this *is* a rant thread.

Oh god, yes. People who think espresso is The One True Coffee any anything less is watery mud. *eye roll*

I hate to tell you this, but you've been mixing with pretty amateur coffee snobs if they are telling you this.

If they've not even muttered the words 'refractometer', 'hario', 'v60', 'sowden', 'bonavita immersion' or 'cold brew' then you should fuck them right out of the door and get yourself a proper snob.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Dibdib on January 09, 2016, 10:19:28 am
Oh god, yes. People who think espresso is The One True Coffee any anything less is watery mud. *eye roll*
I hate to tell you this, but you've been mixing with pretty amateur coffee snobs if they are telling you this.
Oh dear, no. I don't mix with those amateurs... But there's a fuckload of them about.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on January 09, 2016, 10:49:51 am
Ignoring the two minutes it takes for the machine to warm up, it takes <1 minute to knock out a decent, milky coffee.

I didn't realise you needed to let a Nespresso warm up.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 09, 2016, 01:15:05 pm
Ignoring the two minutes it takes for the machine to warm up, it takes <1 minute to knock out a decent, milky coffee.

MILKY!!1!  You might as well drink horriblemarket own-brand instant if you're going to put that muck in it!

<g,d&r>
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: hellymedic on January 09, 2016, 01:28:51 pm
I'm glad I can't drink coffee. I might end up as up my own arse as much as all you coffee snobs.

I can drink coffee but choose Sainsbury's Gold Roast Instant as my Brown Liquid of choice when at home.
I leave coffee/wine/food snobbery to others and enjoy the rest of my life.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CAMRAMan on January 09, 2016, 02:05:08 pm
Ignoring the two minutes it takes for the machine to warm up, it takes <1 minute to knock out a decent, milky coffee.

MILKY!!1!  You might as well drink horriblemarket own-brand instant if you're going to put that muck in it!

<g,d&r>
Oh, but this is organic goats milk from a flock reared on virgin grass. And the coffee goes into the milk, not vice-versa, from a height of 93mm.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 09, 2016, 02:11:40 pm
Ignoring the two minutes it takes for the machine to warm up, it takes <1 minute to knock out a decent, milky coffee.

MILKY!!1!  You might as well drink horriblemarket own-brand instant if you're going to put that muck in it!

<g,d&r>
Oh, but this is organic goats milk from a flock reared on virgin grass. And the coffee goes into the milk, not vice-versa, from a height of 93mm.

This is not just a shovel, this is a precision digging implement milled from a solid ingot of stainless steel by German craftsmen who have served a five year apprenticeship before they're even allowed to switch the workshop lights on without supervision ;D
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: CAMRAMan on January 09, 2016, 02:42:36 pm
Wouldn't a shovel be wrought, as opposed to milled? Only asking, like...
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 09, 2016, 02:55:18 pm
Wouldn't a shovel be wrought, as opposed to milled? Only asking, like...

Only inferior non-Jerry-built ha ha shovels :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: jsabine on January 09, 2016, 03:19:51 pm
Wouldn't a shovel be wrought, as opposed to milled? Only asking, like...

Only inferior non-Jerry-built ha ha shovels :P

I *really* didn't realise that there was such a thing as a ha-ha shovel
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: T42 on January 09, 2016, 04:24:43 pm
Used to be that they were forged in dedicated stamping-mills.

http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/pattersons-spade-mill
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Jurek on January 09, 2016, 04:42:51 pm
Wouldn't a shovel be wrought, as opposed to milled? Only asking, like...

Only inferior non-Jerry-built ha ha shovels :P

I *really* didn't realise that there was such a thing as a ha-ha shovel

Had you not considered what was used to dig the ha-ha at Ha-Ha Road?  :P
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on January 10, 2016, 03:40:28 am
I'm glad I can't drink coffee. I might end up as up my own arse as much as all you coffee snobs.

Getting up your own arse can be very lucrative. You can mine what you find and sell it to Charbucks.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: contango on January 10, 2016, 03:44:24 am
Ignoring the two minutes it takes for the machine to warm up, it takes <1 minute to knock out a decent, milky coffee.

I didn't realise you needed to let a Nespresso warm up.

Some coffee makers (I never owned a Nespresso because, well...) will remain warm indefinitely but I'd be surprised if very many of them didn't have an energy saving mode that shut down the heater to, well, save energy. Depending on just how the machine heats the water it could take a reasonable amount of energy to keep the heating block warm, which is a bit of a waste if you've drunk the one coffee you plan on having that morning and won't be back from work for another 10 hours.

My (sadly now defunct) bean-to-cup machine could warm up, and make me a fresh cup of coffee faster than I could boil the kettle and make a cup of instant. I miss my old Gaggia.
Title: Re: the food rant thread
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 10, 2016, 07:59:55 am
My old one would stay on all day if left unattended but the new one contends that if the hotplate stays on for more than about two hours the coffee will taste like diesel and therefore to discourage the hapless user from partaking of this brew it will switch off.  The only way to override this is to frob the on/off switch before it times out.  I do not mind if it tastes l