the food rant thread

[menthel]

Had a perfectly servicable burger and chips served in a basket, which is better than a board but less so than a plate. The rant is simply because there was no room for sauce anywhere on the bloody basket. I had to get them to bring me one of those little pots they serve sauce in.

I am still very full as well.

[ian]

Bloody nora, I bought no-fat yoghurt by mistakes. Supposed to be cranberry and raspberry. It's like wallpaper paste but without the enticing flavour. Possibly it's some kind of spiritless ectoplasm, the residue of a successful flavour exorcism. Its the Derek Acorah of food products. Good god, maybe I can resurrect it by stirring in some creme fraiche.

OK, that wasn't one of my better ideas. Don't cross the dairy products. I have severe face pucker.

No-fat yoghurt, no-fat yoghurt to the big food fuck-off bin.

[Kim]

Anything that claims to have less than the proper amount of fat in it should be avoided, I reckon.  (The same goes for reduced sugar, though not quite as strictly, depending on how you get on with aspartame.)

If you're trying to reduce fat intake, eat smaller portions or choose a different food entirely.  Anything that's unnaturally low-fat will, by definition, ming.

See also: margarine.

[hellymedic]

See also butter and mayonnaise.
Small portion of delicious goodness outstrips big pile of watery ming always.

[Andrew Br]

Had a perfectly servicable burger and chips served in a basket, which is better than a board but less so than a plate. The rant is simply because there was no room for sauce anywhere on the bloody basket. I had to get them to bring me one of those little pots they serve sauce in.

I am still very full as well.

Interestingly (or not) 504steve's and my "Gourmet Burgers" were served on plates last night on Oscar's Dad's latest Manchester visit ride out but TEC's "Hereford Burger" came on a plank of wood.
This was in a Chef and Brewer and yes, it was too much food.

Not so much a rant, more a POI.

As you were.

[Kim]

Interestingly (or not) 504steve's and my "Gourmet Burgers" were served on plates last night on Oscar's Dad's latest Manchester visit ride out but TEC's "Hereford Burger" came on a plank of wood.

Meanwhile on Tim Hall's latest Coventry visit ride the food was served on plates, though a plank of wood was deployed in order to make two bowls of chips easier to carry.  It was also noted that the pies weren't not-a-pies.


Another POI.

[tiermat]

When I rule the (food) word, there will be a law against serving food on slates, planks, shoes, kitchen scales, in fact anything that is not-a-plate.

Also any chef who even contemplates putting a sprig of parsley on ANY food before sending it out to the customer will be shot. Until DEAD.  Either chop the fucker up and sprinkle it or don't fucking bother.

Serving pies that are not pies will be dealt with by re-education.  By bears. With shuvels.

And finally, any chef who FUCKS with the classic recipes (I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk), like, lets say putting WARM potatoes in a Salad Nicoise AND not putting any fucking anchovies in, will be whipped in front of their customers them sent to work down the salt mines. Fuckers.  If you advertise something as X, I want X, not a "reimagining of X" or an "interpretation of X", which nearly always turns out as SHIT, not X.

Right, I'm going for a lie down in a darkened room now.

[rafletcher]

Potatoes in Salad Nicoise?? Non!!

[Ham]

I made the VERY bad mistake of ordering a salad nicoise in Australia Zoo (the one where they haven't really found out that Steve Irwin has Passed On. Well, they have found out but are working around - recommended visit anyhow)

Absent:
Anchovies
Tomato
Tuna
Green Beans

Present:
Eggs
potato
Salad leaves
Cucumber
Dressing
Cretins. That's like croutons only vastly larger and with any flavour processed into sawdust.

Work that one out.

[Kim]

When I rule the (food) word...

Top rantage.   


Have I complained about beer batter yet?

Well I'm going to do it again.

Chish'n'fips.  A fine traditional pub meal, and relatively immune form unwarranted meddling (except for regional variations on the pea axis).  That's unless some fuckwit has made the fish taste not of fish, but of fish that's been swimming in a barrel of ale.  If I wanted beer with my chish'n'fips, I'd buy a pint.  It is, after all, a pub.  Stop fucking up perfectly good food for those of us who *gasp* Don't Like Beer.

[perpetual dan]

I made the VERY bad mistake of ordering a salad nicoise in Australia Zoo (the one where they haven't really found out that Steve Irwin has Passed On. Well, they have found out but are working around - recommended visit anyhow)

Absent:
Anchovies
Tomato
Tuna
Green Beans

Present:
Eggs
potato
Salad leaves
Cucumber
Dressing
Cretins. That's like croutons only vastly larger and with any flavour processed into sawdust.

Work that one out.

Are the cretins a substitute for the fish? Salad Cretinoise, if you will. 

[geraldc]

But diid the Salad nicoise have olives?

[pcolbeck]

I was reading a recipe on line a few months ago and one of the comments made me laugh out loud. It was worse than your salad nicoise. Can't remember the recipe now but it was something like "baked lamb and lentils in a spicy tomato sauce". The comments were all I love this and really great but had swapped out the chilli for paprkia etc etc much as you would expect until one which went something like this:

Lovely recipe, it's become of my families favourites but I made a few changes. I am vegetarian so swapped the lamb for mushrooms. I don't like lentils so replaced them with onions. I'm allergic to tomato so decided to use cream instead. Not keen on spicy food so omitted the chillies. Baking in the oven takes too long so I do it all in a pan on the hob.

Words fail me.

[ian]

That's not a salad niçoise, it's just stuff they harvested from a derelict car park with sauce on it. It's the same theory as a 'bistro' salad which is really just weeds they pulled up from the abandoned building site around the corner. It's like rocket has to be 'wild'. Not it isn't, I don't see anyone chasing it around the countryside. That's wild. Growing it in a field is not wild. On that basis, I have wild broccoli in my fridge.

Gourmet burgers! Oi. Reading the paper they're now doing tapas burgers. Chorizo no less. That's not a fucking burger, it's a sausage.

And people who pronounce chorizo with a lisp. Are you Spanish? No. Then fuck off until you can pronounce it English-style.

[rafletcher]

Lovely recipe, it's become of my families favourites but I made a few changes. I am vegetarian so swapped the lamb for mushrooms. I don't like lentils so replaced them with onions. I'm allergic to tomato so decided to use cream instead. Not keen on spicy food so omitted the chillies. Baking in the oven takes too long so I do it all in a pan on the hob.

I hope that post was an ironic response to others who had substituted various ingredients etc.

But it reminded me of a Delia Smith "Rissotto" - you know, the dish where you stir the rise to make the gloopy sauce.

She baked it in the oven. 

[Mr Larrington]

And people who pronounce chorizo with a lisp. Are you Spanish? No. Then fuck off until you can pronounce it English-style.

If you athk for chorizo inna-Thpanish-thtylee in Occupied Mexico the localth will look at you athkance, though it ith utheful to have a THpanish thpeaker in the party jutht in cathe.

When it was necessary to communicate details of a road closure to a car-load of Spanish-only ranch-hands my grate frend Mr Leone was heard to observe "sixty years I've lived in southern California and I have to get a Brit^* to do the Spanish translation!"

* - not me.

[geraldc]

My mate's mental Canadian fiancée once told off a waiter in Spain for bringing her a tortilla (potato and egg thing)  instead of the tortilla (flat bread thing)  she thought she ordered. She went as far as shouting in Spanish, this is not a tortilla. They broke up shortly afterwards

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Lovely recipe, it's become of my families favourites but I made a few changes. I am vegetarian so swapped the lamb for mushrooms. I don't like lentils so replaced them with onions. I'm allergic to tomato so decided to use cream instead. Not keen on spicy food so omitted the chillies. Baking in the oven takes too long so I do it all in a pan on the hob.

I hope that post was an ironic response to others who had substituted various ingredients etc.

But it reminded me of a Delia Smith "Rissotto" - you know, the dish where you stir the rise to make the gloopy sauce.

She baked it in the oven.

I have the recipe book with that recipe in it, and she says she developed it specifically to avoid the aeons of stirring risotto requires. And I've made it, and it's lovely.

[Deano]

When I rule the (food) word, there will be a law against serving food on slates, planks, shoes, kitchen scales, in fact anything that is not-a-plate.

Also any chef who even contemplates putting a sprig of parsley on ANY food before sending it out to the customer will be shot. Until DEAD.  Either chop the fucker up and sprinkle it or don't fucking bother.

Serving pies that are not pies will be dealt with by re-education.  By bears. With shuvels.

And finally, any chef who FUCKS with the classic recipes (I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk), like, lets say putting WARM potatoes in a Salad Nicoise AND not putting any fucking anchovies in, will be whipped in front of their customers them sent to work down the salt mines. Fuckers.  If you advertise something as X, I want X, not a "reimagining of X" or an "interpretation of X", which nearly always turns out as SHIT, not X.

Right, I'm going for a lie down in a darkened room now.

And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok?

[jsabine]

When I rule the (food) word, there will be a law against serving food on slates, planks, shoes, kitchen scales, in fact anything that is not-a-plate.

Also any chef who even contemplates putting a sprig of parsley on ANY food before sending it out to the customer will be shot. Until DEAD.  Either chop the fucker up and sprinkle it or don't fucking bother.

Serving pies that are not pies will be dealt with by re-education.  By bears. With shuvels.

And finally, any chef who FUCKS with the classic recipes (I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk), like, lets say putting WARM potatoes in a Salad Nicoise AND not putting any fucking anchovies in, will be whipped in front of their customers them sent to work down the salt mines. Fuckers.  If you advertise something as X, I want X, not a "reimagining of X" or an "interpretation of X", which nearly always turns out as SHIT, not X.

Right, I'm going for a lie down in a darkened room now.

And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok?

I don't mind that *too* much, but the ones who ask the same question ten seconds in, before I've so much as tasted anything let alone begun to form a judgment on it, are lucky my BRITONS' reserve prevents me from doing anything other than reply "lovely, thank you" before silently fuming until the end of the course.

Waiters who deliver your food with a breezy "Enjoy!" (or worse, "Enjoy?" with a rising interrogative) will be second against the wall.

[hellymedic]

Intrusive and predatory (vultures hovering over your table to swoop on your plate if you put your fork down for half a minute) waiting staff are the reason I often prefer a takeaway delivered to my home to eating out.

[Mr Larrington]

And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok?

Fork.  Throat.  Pudding.

[tiermat]

And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok?

Fork.  ThroatEYES.  Pudding.

There, that's much better....

[tiermat]

When I rule the (food) word, there will be a law against serving food on slates, planks, shoes, kitchen scales, in fact anything that is not-a-plate.

Also any chef who even contemplates putting a sprig of parsley on ANY food before sending it out to the customer will be shot. Until DEAD.  Either chop the fucker up and sprinkle it or don't fucking bother.

Serving pies that are not pies will be dealt with by re-education.  By bears. With shuvels.

And finally, any chef who FUCKS with the classic recipes (I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk), like, lets say putting WARM potatoes in a Salad Nicoise AND not putting any fucking anchovies in, will be whipped in front of their customers them sent to work down the salt mines. Fuckers.  If you advertise something as X, I want X, not a "reimagining of X" or an "interpretation of X", which nearly always turns out as SHIT, not X.

Right, I'm going for a lie down in a darkened room now.

And what if, ten minutes into your meal, one of the staff comes over and asks if everything's ok?

I forgot that one, either I am slipping, or no one has done it to me for a while.

The obvious answer is that they will be shot somewhere that really hurts (like Swindon, or the nether regions) and then asked "Is everything ok?"

[Jasmine]

Intrusive and predatory (vultures hovering over your table to swoop on your plate if you put your fork down for half a minute) waiting staff are the reason I often prefer a takeaway delivered to my home to eating out.

I also hate this.  Especially when they take the plate of the first person to finish, when someone else is still eating.  It's rude and makes that person feel rushed.  One of my friends always makes a point of telling the server this when they are about to whisk his plate away.