the food rant thread

[Mr Larrington]

From what I've heard about recent-ish developments in New Toyland's agriculture you can expect beetroot to be cropping up in Chinese cooking RSN.

[Jacomus]

"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

er... I'm going to go with 'fuck no'.

[tiermat]

"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

er... I'm going to go with 'fuck no'.

I'd go with "Would you like your face and my fist to share the same space for a second or two?"

[hatler]

"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

er... I'm going to go with 'fuck no'.

Name and shame. Where ?

[Mr Larrington]

"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

WHAT.  THE.  ACTUAL.  FUCK

It's my dinner, not performance fucking art

[Chris S]

I'd previously missed recent activity about over-intrusive front of house staff.

A Smith Family Member is a chef, and (usually) has some influence over front of house. He and I had previously decided that the best way to respond to the "Everything all right for you sir/madam?" scenario was to empty your mouth into your cupped hands, say "Yes, thank you very much", or better still - stare disapprovingly at the mush in your hands and pronounce "NO! Inform chef that the Petis-pois needed another 35 seconds". Then, put the mush back in your mouth and resume your previous conversation¹.

I think using Computer Science Basics works very well Front of House. Staff should adopt the Poll/Interrupt principles. They should poll all the tables, from afar and have a map in their heads of everyone's status. You shouldn't NEED to ask if everything is OK - you should be able to determine that in (to borrow a military term) a Stand Off Manner. The interrupt should come from the table - Hand Raised or pretentious twat voice calling "Waiter! Waiter!" generally would be of a lower priority than "HELP! Does anyone know the Heimlich manoeuvre?".

The response I've had to these suggestions so far - "Huh! Most front of house staff barely speak English; how do you expect them to know our body language?".

It's a work in progress.




============
¹ This can actually be quite difficult to achieve if you're (a) at all squeamish or (3) even remotely emetophobic. Putting pre-masticated goo back in your mouth is pretty much contraindicated in these circumstances.

[Kim]

Yeahbut if FOH staff adopted computer science principles, then each table's cutlery allocation would consist of n fsporks.

[ian]

"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

WHAT.  THE.  ACTUAL.  FUCK

It's my dinner, not performance fucking art

I know someone who willing does this with every bloody meal she eats.  It's really fucking annoying. It's not one of those here's-what-I-ate-for-year projects that might have some artistic merit (it's already been done a billion times so don't bother), but just vanity. She's one of these people who has to put every single aspect of her life on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. etc. I'm sure she blogs her trips to the shitcan. Probably live. I wouldn't mind, but to be honest, she's quite dull. Commentary like 'here's my dinner. OMG! Those tomatoes are RED!!!' Razor-sharp wit and insight there. OMG there's a fork stuck right in your head!!! Someone is going to Instagram that. She's on my people to avoid list. Handily she lives in Toronto, so it's not so challenging.

She's one of those 'you must follow me on Instagram' screechers. No, I mustn't. Everyone seems to be screeching that at the moment, there were a couple either side of Clerkenwell Rd the other day, the woman with the you must follow me on Instagram. What name? shouts the guy, DirtyHotBlonde-something she yells back at 1000 Db. I would have said something (it may come as a surprise but I just type or say whatever comes into my brain), but my wife gave me the don't-she's-bigger-than-you look.

[pcolbeck]

Yeahbut if FOH staff adopted computer science principles, then each table's cutlery allocation would consist of n fsporks.

Nah if they adopted the *nix principle there would be 273 different types of cutlery each designed to deal with precisely one function of eating a particular class of food really really well.

[Cudzoziemiec]

"Would you like me to take a photo of you and your food and share it on our Instagram, Facebook or Twitter?"

"Of course. Here are my advertising rates. Oh, you want me to move the cutlery? Here are my design rates."

[Jakob W]

I don't mind the 'is everything OK with your meal?' query - when I was FOH we were told to do this for a couple of  reasons:
-Ensuring the diners were indeed enjoying their food (and that we hadn't missed any orders)
-Doing this early on in the meal means that there is no opportunity for someone to clear their plate and then throw a strop in the hope of getting the meal comped...

IME this is pretty unobtrusive, and can be done while passing the table. What annoys me is hovery waitstaff, especially when reaching on to the table; I've got two working arms, and I can top up my wine glass at my own pace, thanks.

[Jacomus]

Ugh, I reckon know ian's Toronto based life-sharer's twin sister.

As for the restaurant, I knew I was going to be dicing with some kind of social media bollix, as it was a pop-up restaurant in Hoxton. Still, aside from the social media aspect, it was well priced and delicious. Also, they didn't recoil in horror when I took Lady Bertie inside, so bonus points there.

[geraldc]

I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

[fuzzy]

I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Or just faded away even?

Spangles........

[Mr Larrington]

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

When I was a young Mr Larrington a pint of BEER was 35p

[T42]

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

When I was a young Mr Larrington a pint of BEER was 35p

In that case you still are a young Mr. Larrington. When I was young a pint of Younger's was 1/9d.

[Basil]

Bugger. Beat me by a penny.
1/10d

[Efrogwr]

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

When I was a young Mr Larrington a pint of BEER was 35p

In that case you still are a young Mr. Larrington. When I was young a pint of Younger's was 1/9d.

The cheapest beer I ever bought was 1/6d a pint, but it was rubbish. Decent beer was 1/10d a pint. Draught Guinness was 2/6d a pint... A brew for bloated plutocrats.

[Oaky]

I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

The last Polos I bought (a couple of weeks back) were from the 99p store and therefore cost 99p for six or possibly eight packs.  They are Indonesian imports though, and have a slightly different texture to the normal UK ones.

[hellymedic]

I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Youngster! I remember when they were 2½p.

The house my parents bought for £12K in 1968, when I was ten sold for £1.2M in 2012, so that's a factor of 100.

[Bledlow]

And mustard.
A smear of Colemans adds the finishing touch.

Heretic! Brown sauce FTW!



Also, I actually like my bacon limp and flaccid but then I'm weird like that. I don't like toast that shatters when you bite either.

Floppy bacon, agreed! I like a little colour on the fat but otherwise floppy!

Sounds just right.

[ian]

A friend of mine at school was crushed to death under a falling Wagon Wheel. It's what he would have wanted. Don't believe them when they claim the size hasn't changed. And back in 1984 I knocked out three people by carelessly turning around with a Curly Wurly in my hand.

[tiermat]

I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Youngster! I remember when they were 2½p.

The house my parents bought for £12K in 1968, when I was ten sold for £1.2M in 2012, so that's a factor of 100.

Must have been a big house! My parent's house, the one I grew up in, cost £9750 in 1977, and sold for £250k in 2002, then for £450k in 2007 (to be fair, between 2002 and 2007 the then owners did a LOT of work on it and the land attached)

[rafletcher]

I just paid 63p for a pack of polos. I remember when they were 10p.

Trying to think what else in my life time has gone up 6 times.

Crisps were 3d when I first bought some.... (or approximately 1 1/2p)

Mars Bars were 9d (rounded up to 4p at decimalisation).

I suspect I'm a bit (lot!) older than you

[Cudzoziemiec]

I used to spend my 10p pocket money on The Beano (8p) and a packet of crisps (2p). I think The Beano costs £2 now. More importantly, my favourite flavour is no longer salt and vinegar.