the food rant thread

[Mr Larrington]

Spent the week travelling round the highlands on Holiday. I was introduced to quality home made marmalade. I've come to the conclusion Robertsons Golden Shred is p!ss, and doesn't deserve to be called marmalade, and am now looking at either making my own, or sourcing a true marmalade in London.

I discovered this at a very young age but with marmalade-making being seasonal there were insufficient supplies to last the entire year chiz.

[Efrogwr]

Surely some daring chef du jour, an agent provocateur de cuisine is willing to serve soup on a slate. A thick soup, spread liberally, would cling like wallpaper paste, and enable the discerning gastropub diner to scrape away with a slice of their artisanal sourdough. A combination of colours could be use to create a swirl of graffiti across your soup, perhaps a green artichoke and rustic ham, with a 'tag' dashed through it with a spicy red pepper tapenade.

In other matters, chefs with foam. Foam belongs in my bath, not on my fucking dinner plate. Fuck off. What next, a spritz of asparagus spittle?

You are so last year. In last week's Kitchen Cabinet some fucker suggested pouring cooked polenta  on the table (but only if the table top is wood; otherwise use a plastic table cloth), then pouring ragu in the middle of the pool. You and your chums then get stuck in. Such fun!

[Oaky]

Surely some daring chef du jour, an agent provocateur de cuisine is willing to serve soup on a slate. A thick soup, spread liberally, would cling like wallpaper paste, and enable the discerning gastropub diner to scrape away with a slice of their artisanal sourdough. A combination of colours could be use to create a swirl of graffiti across your soup, perhaps a green artichoke and rustic ham, with a 'tag' dashed through it with a spicy red pepper tapenade.

"Manny! Do you have a tower of soup for me? What's this? Where are the turrets? It's rubbish!"

[contango]

ian, I've read through this entire thread and have one thing to say.

You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

[woollypigs]

Why the flip didn't I know this recipe for pineapple salsa that I made today before. It is fecking NOM!

[Kim]

Yeahbut if FOH staff adopted computer science principles, then each table's cutlery allocation would consist of n fsporks.

Or, more likely, you'd get the knife and fork delivered with the soup you ordered for starters. The waiter would tell you it was a beta version and you should try to learn to live with it for now while they improve it. Then once the soup bowl was taken away the spoon would arrive with great fanfare, alongside your steak. The steak knife would show up slightly after you'd eaten your dessert, along with the bill. Then nobody would understand how the leading cause of injury among waiting staff was the insertion of steak knives into all sorts of places that weren't designed to take them.

Nahh, that's software engineering principles.

[contango]

Yeahbut if FOH staff adopted computer science principles, then each table's cutlery allocation would consist of n fsporks.

Or, more likely, you'd get the knife and fork delivered with the soup you ordered for starters. The waiter would tell you it was a beta version and you should try to learn to live with it for now while they improve it. Then once the soup bowl was taken away the spoon would arrive with great fanfare, alongside your steak. The steak knife would show up slightly after you'd eaten your dessert, along with the bill. Then nobody would understand how the leading cause of injury among waiting staff was the insertion of steak knives into all sorts of places that weren't designed to take them.

Nahh, that's software engineering principles.

Fair call.

I suppose it would have been more accurate to say that the cutlery allocation would be n sporks, where n was the lesser of (k-2)/2 or 1, where k was the number of diners. This would be based on the fact that not everybody has a simultanous need for a spork (how often do two people put something in their mouths at the exact same time?) and anticipating load sharing reduces the hardware overheads.

The entirely predictable protests that people don't want to share a spork with their dining companions would then be routed to a call centre in Bangalore where the staff wouldn't understand the problem but would repeat it back several times, almost word for word, with only a few fundamental misunderstandings.

[Tim Hall]

On the way back from Bath with The Boy last weekend, we stopped for a bite in A Pubbe. He ordered a burger.

Too tall to eat?  Check
Wooden spear? Check
Chips in a pretend frier? Check
Served on a lump of wood? Check.

Like this:


(Actually he managed, some how, to eat it without resorting to cutlery)

[Kim]

There's something very Alice In Wonderland going on with the scale of pretty much everything in that picture.

[woollypigs]

Which reminds me, that little cup of ketchup they give. Can barely wet one chip (especially the big chunky ones) in there and you are out.

[Cudzoziemiec]

Wooden spear? I reckon it's a flag pole and the burger is a fairy tale castle.

[SteveC]

You are so last year. In last week's Kitchen Cabinet some fucker suggested pouring cooked polenta  on the table (but only if the table top is wood; otherwise use a plastic table cloth), then pouring ragu in the middle of the pool. You and your chums then get stuck in. Such fun!

An old friend of mine, in both senses, once reminisced about his time int the 8th Army in Italy (the D-Day Dodgers). He was billeted with an Italian family who were only to grateful to see him and to be rid of the Facists. He was served polenta on the kitchen table. It was just how they did  it. Pretentious in a modern restaurant to be sure, but it has a 'real' history.

[ian]

Men. Seriously. Why is that the only food that groups of men can eat in restaurants is steak? It's like a carnival of competitive carnivory. I'll have the steak, one will declare. I'll have a bigger steak, says the next. Make mine raw! says another. Bring me the cow and don't even cook it! Jesus, it's like they're serving a testosterone broth (undoubtedly unctuous), they're deadset on the putting the man back in the cave. Me eat meat. Chaps, the science is in: courgettes won't make you gay. Quinoa, possibly.

[hellymedic]

Just for you, ian. Local Kosher (hence pricy) steakhouse menu. 
http://issuu.com/elgaucho/docs/la_fiesta_menu/9?e=0

[contango]

Men. Seriously. Why is that the only food that groups of men can eat in restaurants is steak? It's like a carnival of competitive carnivory. I'll have the steak, one will declare. I'll have a bigger steak, says the next. Make mine raw! says another. Bring me the cow and don't even cook it! Jesus, it's like they're serving a testosterone broth (undoubtedly unctuous), they're deadset on the putting the man back in the cave. Me eat meat. Chaps, the science is in: courgettes won't make you gay. Quinoa, possibly.

The big difference is that steak tastes good and courgettes are best used as a medicine to induce vomiting.

I'm also going to call you out on the steak issue. Go to any Indian restaurant and you'll see the same testosterone soup with different ingredients, as one person orders the madrass and the next orders the vindaloo. If you don't like meat (I gather there are a few individuals who lack both a second X chromosome and a desire to eat dead animals) you can still strut your manly stuff and order a vegetable vindaloo.

[ian]

This relates to a gastropub (be still!) I was in on Saturday night. Every man on every table around us ordered the steak. To the point where they ran out of steak. Possibly the country was all out of cows. Perhaps the cows had had enough, that's it, they're drawing a line in the grass. It's war, humans. Remember, I came in with cow vs chicken. These cows are battle hardened, combat veterans. They've fought Nandos, Chicken Cottage, even Le Chateau de Poulet. The steak stops here. They're off the menu, you motherfucking cow chewers. Your cud is about to well and truly chewed.

The poor waitress had to meekly explain that there was no more steak. Ironically to a woman.

And the resulting estuarine whine is one for tomorrow. That and Yorkshire chorizo.

[Efrogwr]

Yorkshire chorizo.

What the heck?

[Kim]

Yeahbut, the thing with steak - assuming that you're inclined towards eating dead cows in the first place- is that it's fairly predictable.  Even the most wanky plate-eschewing gastropub types are unlikely to do anything more occuous than cook it badly.  I mean, have you ever ordered a steak'n'chips and had it arrive tasting like someone's spilt a pint on it?  Never mind the poultry, the fish are positively jealous.

Much the same can be argued for vegetable vindaloo, though it's a dish that seems to exist in order to cater for macho posing and lifelong smokers with one remaining tastbud.

[contango]

Yeahbut, the thing with steak - assuming that you're inclined towards eating dead cows in the first place- is that it's fairly predictable.  Even the most wanky plate-eschewing gastropub types are unlikely to do anything more occuous than cook it badly.  I mean, have you ever ordered a steak'n'chips and had it arrive tasting like someone's spilt a pint on it?  Never mind the poultry, the fish are positively jealous.

Much the same can be argued for vegetable vindaloo, though it's a dish that seems to exist in order to cater for macho posing and lifelong smokers with one remaining tastbud.

Vegetable vindaloo seems like an odd mix. Kind of like serving a super-jumbo greaseburger with the oversized portion of fries, an extra-large side of onion rings, all doused in extra helpings of lard, and then pairing it with a bucket of diet Coke. Or the person who weighs more than their car stuffing their face with chips while sipping on a delicately sized bottle of mineral water as if that makes their lifestyle healthy.

[tiermat]

Yorkshire chorizo.

What the heck?

Don't knock it, it is lovely, and as Chorizo doesn't have a DOP, it can be made anywhere.

[Tim Hall]

Men. Seriously. Why is that the only food that groups of men can eat in restaurants is steak? It's like a carnival of competitive carnivory. I'll have the steak, one will declare. I'll have a bigger steak, says the next. Make mine raw! says another. Bring me the cow and don't even cook it! Jesus, it's like they're serving a testosterone broth (undoubtedly unctuous), they're deadset on the putting the man back in the cave. Me eat meat. Chaps, the science is in: courgettes won't make you gay. Quinoa, possibly.

A bit like A fistful of Travellers' Cheques?

Cafe owner:      Hi guys. Can I make you a cocktail?
Miguel:              Whisky.
Carlos:              And steaks.
Cafe owner:      Okay. Two steaks, wow!

Cafe owner:      Two steaks coming right up.
Miguel:              Wait. Make that four.
Carlos:              Each.
Miguel:              Six.
Carlos:              Eight.
Miguel:              Ten!
Cafe owner:      Aw c'mon guys, ten steaks each? Are you joking?
Miguel:              Do we look like comedians?

[Kim]

Vegetable vindaloo seems like an odd mix. Kind of like serving a super-jumbo greaseburger with the oversized portion of fries, an extra-large side of onion rings, all doused in extra helpings of lard, and then pairing it with a bucket of diet Coke. Or the person who weighs more than their car stuffing their face with chips while sipping on a delicately sized bottle of mineral water as if that makes their lifestyle healthy.

Only if you follow the vegetarian != hard trope.  In reality, vegetable curry dishes are effectively hotter than their meat equivalents, as the vegetables absorb more of the sauce.

[geraldc]

Re: men ordering steaks en masse.

My group of friends are lazy, and we split bills regardless of what you personally ordered. In the old days this was called the Stella accelerator. Back when we were drinking in the union bar, Stella was noticeably more expensive than the 4% lagers, so if one person ordered Stella in a round, we'd all move to Stella.

It's the same with a steak, if someone is ordering steak, and you're paying a fixed percentage of the bill, the correct strategy is move to steak, rather than eat something cheaper, otherwise you're subsidising someone's steak meal, while you eat salad.

[ian]

Yorkshire chorizo.

What the heck?

It wasn't the product, it was the ambitious pronunciation (quite successful with a spritely chor-IT-thoh), if you – as part of a bizarre science experiment – crossed people from Bradford with people from Madrid they'd sound just like that all the time, all vocal tea bags and olive oil.

Anyway, I'm not down with that tendency to pronounce foreign foods like the natives, though infinitely worse is the 'correctors', you know them, when you choreezo, they pull that English-teacher-you-hated face and say 'don't you mean 'chorithoh', and you stick a fork in their forehead and hammer it home using the chopping board that came under your tapas 'burger'. It's useful to verify whether or not they are Spanish before you do this.

[lahoski]

Vegetable vindaloo seems like an odd mix. Kind of like serving a super-jumbo greaseburger with the oversized portion of fries, an extra-large side of onion rings, all doused in extra helpings of lard, and then pairing it with a bucket of diet Coke. Or the person who weighs more than their car stuffing their face with chips while sipping on a delicately sized bottle of mineral water as if that makes their lifestyle healthy.

Which is why one orders a family naan and one's weight in lager to accompany an unfathomably hot vegetable curry.