the food rant thread

[Efrogwr]

Who remembers how Castlemaine XXXX got it's name?

[contango]

Yuengling has been around forever and these days, like Sam Adams, do that mass produced craft beer. Generally a better option than industrial bilge (seriously, people drink Budweiser in the UK, when they have a choice, it's worse that our own Carlsbergs/Carlings, and that's like comparing the merits of different urine samples, it's all piss and you're drinking it voluntarily). But indeed, I wouldn't cross the street for it, especially given that craft beer is everywhere in the US these days. It's the sort of stuff you'd take a party on the grounds that most of it will get guzzled by someone else (while you steal the nice stuff).

I sadly can't agree with Mr Larrer's beer list, I have some lovely rice beers in Japan (though I'd agree that generally rice and corn-based industrial effluent beers are to be avoided and anyone that drinks Corona should have a lime wedge shoved down their throat to keep them quiet while you shoot them), you can't condemn fruit once you've held a good, sour kriek, and you want all kinds of weird playing in good wheat beer, and I'll give chocolate a shot in a stout or porter. The rigorous adherence to a strict set of ingredients give you German beer that ranges from the insipid (Becks) through to the stolid, if dull.

I've enjoyed at least a sip or two of the Framboise my wife likes but, you know, it's not really beer. It's more like one of those sugary fruity things that's got some alcohol in it but doesn't really count as beer. Just like an abomination made of minced tofu and soya doesn't count as a burger even if it is served in a bun with a slice of plastic cheese-like product on top of it.

Where generic fizzy rubbish is concerned in the UK, some months ago I was at a friend's party that he'd hosted in a local 5-a-side club. The bar selection was dismal, in the same way the food on offer in prisoner-of-war camps in the movies is dismal. The one redeeming feature was that they had Old Speckled Hen in bottles, so I drank one of those. Some hours later I really wanted another drink but didn't want another bottle of Hen on the basis I had to drive and didn't want any more than a half. So I looked over the taps and opted for a half of Carlsberg. Well, suffice to say I wasn't going to have any issues with failing a breath-test because a mouthful of the stuff was all it took to remind me why I don't drink Carlsberg any more.

Still, it was better than the Castlemaine XXXX I drank (once) back in the 90s. In a club venue at a holiday camp the selection made the 5-a-side club look positively extravagant and the prices were outrageous. I'd seen the TV advertising for XXXX so ordered a pint. It was my first ever pint of the stuff and the minute it touched my lips I concluded it was going to be my last ever pint of the stuff. I can think of all sorts of things that the XXXX might represent, none of them repeatable in polite company.

But yes, this is a rant thread, so sod taxes, I say we hunt anyone who produces, drinks, or otherwise engages with 'tequila-flavoured' Mexican beer products with big angry dogs.

Curiously only the other night it was my turn to not drive home when my wife and I went to visit friends, and the only beer he had was the rather (in his words) cheap ass Mexican beer Sol. With lime juice. At least it masked the taste of the Sol. I would have taken something nicer but my cellar is heavily stocked with IPAs that he doesn't care for, and I didn't want a 20 mile diversion to get something better than Sol. I don't think his big dogs cared what we were drinking as long as they got fed.

It's amazing what we (at least what I) can put up with when it's socially awkward to reject it. Still, I got to mock my friend for his beer selection (again).

[ian]

I shouldn't complain, I'm recently back from copious amount of Malawi Carlsberg which, perhaps owing the the environs, didn't taste quite as bad as the real Carlsberg and reasonably drinkable. Given the alternative was Chibuka, I think a reasoned choice, unless you like your beer in a milk carton that requires vigorous shaking. Actually, it's not that bad, but something of acquired taste. I think usually made from sorghum or maize. And possibly dead dogs. When you travel a lot, especially to lesser visited parts of the word, it's common for locals to feed you something just to see what kinds of faces you pull.

It's still a world better than Australian beers which seem to be predicated on little more than being wet. Possibly they've improved, it's been many years since I've been out that way. I used to think they sent us all the bad stuff, then it turned out not to be true.

The problem with krieks is that they turned into Bacardi Breezers and become increasingly sweet and nasty. A proper 3 Fonteinen Oude Kriek will set you right, or a Cantillon. People will argue to the death over a good kriek, but it has to be lambic and face-puckeringly sour.

[Mr Larrington]

When I was a Penniless Student Oaf we learned to tell the difference between imported tinnies of XXXX and the muck from Mortlake¹.  Both were pretty 'orrible even by the standards of the mid-80s but the stuff that had made the trip from Captain Cook's Mistake at least had a reasonable alcohol content.  My grate frend Parry went to the launch of the draught version:

Brewery Droid: ...and we've reduced the strength because of the BRITISH penchant for session drinking!
Parry: Noooooooooo!  The only reason we drink it is coz it's strong!

1: The Aussie version had a red circle around the top of the can.  You can die happy knowing this.

[Tim Hall]

1: Or wheat, if you like wheat BEER

I was in Amsterdam once where my ourquer de vache suggested I try a wheat beer, in place of the Euro-fizz.  Ever keen for new experiences, I agreed. A glass of something so cloudy that if it were a pint of honest BRITON'S BEER you would have no qualms in handing it straight back, even if the landlady was Ursula The Sea Witch that used to inhabit Thee Pubbe near here, was placed in front of me. But they made it better. By putting a slice of lemon in it. Innit.

(It tasted v nice)

[Pickled Onion]

When I was a Penniless Student Oaf we learned to tell the difference between imported tinnies of XXXX and the muck from Mortlake¹. 

On a visit there many years ago, some of the fermenting vessels were marked as "HG4X". I asked, and was told they contained "High Gravity XXXX, we brew it like this then dilute at carbonation." So it literally is watered-down lager.

[tiermat]

Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should contain:

• water
• hops
• barley¹
• yeast
• the swim bladder of the Atlantic sturgeon (optional)

Here is a list of ingredients that BEER should not contain:

• rice
• fruit
• chocolate
• anything else which makes it smell funny
• a bit of fucking lime jammed in the neck of the bottle
• rats

1: Or wheat, if you like wheat BEER

I agree with all of that, but for one thing.

Two of my favourite Lagers are Barley and rice combinations (FWIW Lal Toofan and Estrella Damm*), so although rice beer is 'orrible on it's own, it can do something for a beer if used in the right way.

*See, I had to get it in there, somewhere!

[Efrogwr]

There was a myth that a brewery (allegedly the Courage one in Bristol) used an alpha-numerical batch numbering system, a letter, a numeral, a letter. Starting A1A, then B1A. It is alleged thar eventually a batch of lager was coded

(click to show/hide)

K9P.

[ian]

On the subject of beer, Guinness. I still don't get that, it's nasty watery stout, like it's something they've used to wash out the barrels they brewed the real stout in. Yeah, yeah, some pub bore will lecture on how much better it tastes in Dublin. I've been to Dublin and it tastes much the same. I think it's universally shit. Other than the weird stuff they have in Africa, which tastes bit like they included hydrazine in the mix. I can only figure Guinness being popular because the alternatives are Carling (tastes of nothing, bottled water has more flavour) or Stella (tastes of weird chemicals, I think it might actually be some kind of industrial degreaser).

On other matters, as I mentioned them elsewhere: the avocado. For some reason I insist on buying them (I have a Macbook). Beyond that, I don't know why, as they taste like nothing and feel like something might have decomposed in in your mouth as you eat them. You can bash them up into guacamole, but it's just hesitantly spicy green sludge. Has anyone ever had an avocado that tasted of anything?

[rafletcher]

At one time the alternatives (in Ireland) to Guinness was Murphys, or Harp lager, or Smithwicks bitter. If you've tasted any of them you'll know why Guinness was popular.

[hellymedic]

I am no aficionado of fermented grain but was a little surprised to see maize as an ingredient of Stella Artois.

[Cudzoziemiec]

I think avocado is one of those fruits/veges which is usually sold way under-ripe. If you do get a ripe one, it's quite tasty.

[CAMRAMan]

Guinness Foreign Export is very nice and very strong. Except for the Nigerian version, that is. It is so far removed from the nitrokeg pub stuff that it's hard to fathom how the two drinks could emerge from the same brewery. They have recently launched a West Indies Porter that is also very good and a more reasonable 6% ABV.

[T42]

I was told that the famed upchuck scene in The Exorcist used guacamole.

[ian]

I think avocado is one of those fruits/veges which is usually sold way under-ripe. If you do get a ripe one, it's quite tasty.

As far as can tell they go from solid and bland to slimy and bland, the only real difference is that when trying to peel them you get gloopy fingers like you've been playing with ectoplasm and trying to raise the teeming dead. Raising the teeming dead is also far more fun than peeling an avocado. Perhaps the afterlife, like Apple's Cupertino reception area, is filled with avocados.

Hmm, Harp and Murphy's, that's my student bad dream cocktail. I think all the Guinness Foreign Export stuff is brewed under licence on site, basically Guinness send out some flavouring (Google tells me it's prosaically named Guinness Flavouring Extract) and it gets blended into local booze (in Nigeria and Ghana it's sorghum lager). As mention, I think the Nigerians spice it up with a dash of hydrazine. Leastways that's what it tastes like. I'd class these drinks as interesting. Normal Guinness is just black water. The shame is that there are so many utterly wonderful stouts that I could drink by the bathful but people rave about that sour, watery, poor impression of a stout.

I'm frankly surprised the chief ingredient of Stella isn't piss. It's the rankest lager ever, and that's saying something given the competition. I once licked a mixture of mercaptoethanol and putrescine off my thumb and believe me, the taste was still nicer than Stella. It's the only beer improved by the taste of the pump line cleaner.

[Mr Larrington]

The Stella sold by Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles tasted considerably different from that sold by Mr Patel in the offie, which:

• was nicer, and
• lacked a lot of the "Brewed in $CHEMICAL_PLANT" information on the can

which suggests Mr P's Stella was sourced outwith the recognised supply chain.

And both were nectar compared with Fosters.  My grate frend Mikey actually drinks Fosters of his own volition, but he's Canadian and probably had his taste buds frozen at an early age or eaten by BEARs or something.

Also: avocados.  Poo!  Do I want to eat something that sounds like a lawyer?  No.  No, I do not.

[Mrs Pingu]

The problem with krieks is that they turned into Bacardi Breezers and become increasingly sweet and nasty. A proper 3 Fonteinen Oude Kriek will set you right, or a Cantillon. People will argue to the death over a good kriek, but it has to be lambic and face-puckeringly sour.

3F, Hansens Kriek, Cantillon, Boon Oude Kriek (probably the least sour of those, but nice cherries.) All good. You could use the cheap and sweet stuff to cook duck in kriek sauce though

[Jurek]

The Stella sold by Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles tasted considerably different from that sold by Mr Patel in the offie, which:

• was nicer, and
• lacked a lot of the "Brewed in $CHEMICAL_PLANT" information on the can

which suggests Mr P's Stella was sourced outwith the recognised supply chain.

And both were nectar compared with Fosters.  My grate frend Mikey actually drinks Fosters of his own volition, but he's Canadian and probably had his taste buds frozen at an early age or eaten by BEARs or something.

Also: avocados.  Poo!  Do I want to eat something that sounds like a lawyer?  No.  No, I do not.

Shirly you mean advokaat.
Another nommy drink. Not.

[contango]

I shouldn't complain, I'm recently back from copious amount of Malawi Carlsberg which, perhaps owing the the environs, didn't taste quite as bad as the real Carlsberg and reasonably drinkable. Given the alternative was Chibuka, I think a reasoned choice, unless you like your beer in a milk carton that requires vigorous shaking. Actually, it's not that bad, but something of acquired taste. I think usually made from sorghum or maize. And possibly dead dogs. When you travel a lot, especially to lesser visited parts of the word, it's common for locals to feed you something just to see what kinds of faces you pull.

You don't even need to travel far to get that kind of welcome. Just go to Mousehole in Cornwall and ask about stargazey pie. I suppose the difference is they won't serve it to you unless you order it.

It's still a world better than Australian beers which seem to be predicated on little more than being wet. Possibly they've improved, it's been many years since I've been out that way. I used to think they sent us all the bad stuff, then it turned out not to be true.

Wet and cold. They serve it ice cold for two reasons. Firstly it's usually the only way you can tell it from urine and secondly if it ever warms up you can taste it and that's a Really Bad Thing. Much the same was said about American beer but that was before the nation discovered craft beer and vast arrays of options that didn't end in Lite appeared. It's truly remarkable just how many beers are produced here, especially given the tragic beginnings of the beer industry. It still applies pretty well to just about anything ending in Lite.

[contango]

The Stella sold by Mr Sainsbury's House of Toothy Comestibles tasted considerably different from that sold by Mr Patel in the offie, which:

• was nicer, and
• lacked a lot of the "Brewed in $CHEMICAL_PLANT" information on the can

which suggests Mr P's Stella was sourced outwith the recognised supply chain.

And both were nectar compared with Fosters.  My grate frend Mikey actually drinks Fosters of his own volition, but he's Canadian and probably had his taste buds frozen at an early age or eaten by BEARs or something.

Also: avocados.  Poo!  Do I want to eat something that sounds like a lawyer?  No.  No, I do not.

Shirly you mean advokaat.
Another nommy drink. Not.

The difference between avocados and advokaat is quite substantial. One looks like congealed snot, the other like congealed pus.

[Pingu]

...avocados and advokaat...

Could this be a basis for a cocktail?

[fuzzy]

The difference between avocados and advokaat is quite substantial.

Yup, I think only one has been a football manager.

[Efrogwr]

...avocados and advokaat...

Could this be a basis for a cocktail?

The first Mrs E used to drink advokaat and port mixed. It looks like a boil in a glass.

[lahoski]

The first Mrs E used to drink advokaat and port mixed. It looks like a boil in a glass.

This cannot be a thing. Please tell me this not an ACTUAL THING.

[Pickled Onion]

The first Mrs E used to drink advokaat and port mixed. It looks like a boil in a glass.

This cannot be a thing. Please tell me this not an ACTUAL THING.

Google says "http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/dutchflip_87494"