the food rant thread

[fuzzy]

I arranged a 'drink a rainbow' evening in my last year at college. I think the more intrepid souls almost completed a double rainbow. Sad (and hardly surprising) to say that I remember little, other than that my first yellow was a pint of lager and the blue was something with blue Curacao in it.

Ah yes, the sugary syrup with alcohol in it beloved of cocktails that just need a splash of colour.

A friend of mine was a teetotaller when he first arrived at university. On a trip into town I somehow helped him conclude that what he really needed was a bottle of creme de menthe, a bottle of creme de bananes, and a case of Budweiser. I never did figure out quite how that panned out. Still, bright green and bright yellow made for some interesting colour combinations, although the best-tasting drink (relatively speaking) we found with either of them was the rather dangerously named "snake in the grass" which turned out to be nothing more than creme de menthe and lemonade, with sugar optional in case the syrupy sweetness of the creme de menthe was insufficient.

On another note a fair few years ago a friend wanted to whittle down his drinks cabinet so invited a load of us around for a cocktail party. We started out drinking B52s, and when one of the ingredients ran out (we were quite well oiled by that stage) I just substituted it for something else and called it a B53. Next up was the B54, and so on. By the end of the evening we were into the 60s, nobody except me knew what was in the cocktails (and I couldn't remember), and all we knew was that the morning after there were lots of sore heads and the remains of the final drink was still in a glass. It was a murky green colour with a black swirl in it.

The host was pleased that a large chunk of his drinks cabinet had been cleared out, but less pleased that half of his bottle of 16-year-old Lagavulin had also disappeared along the way.

Back in my misspent military days, I celebrated my 21st birthday at The Plastic Pub in Omagh- a faux Tudor style building within the boundary of the barracks so that us squaddies could have a safe evening in the pubbe.

My celebrations were concluded by my being presented with a 'Kamikaze'. I had the choice- straight or jug, lemonade or coke. I chose straight and lemonade. My chosen straight pint glass was then deployed back and forth along the optics until there was an inch space left for the lemonade. Said 'Kamikaze' then landed on the table in front of me.

Fuzzy health warning- only open the spoiler if graphic descriptions of bodily output can be tolerated.

(click to show/hide)

There is only one way to drink a kamikaze successfully. That is straight down followed by a sprint for the porcelain. I didn't make it to the porcelain. My memory of the evening finishes with visions of my grate friend Wayne (who I regularly dragged from his bed to the porcelain so he could be sick instead of choking after yet another of his legendary session) scooping up my output with his hands, dumping it in a bucket and licking his fingers clean. Cue further hurling from me.

[contango]

I think the difference in booze is down to the imported vs. brewed under licence by industrial chemists. Brewers swear it's the same. My wife's BFF is someone mysteriously senior at SABMiller and she won't tell me, probably because they've put a microchip in her brain to stop her. Her eyes glaze like she's had Everest in and she says 'it is the same' in a robot voice, and then, a moment later, she clicks back into reality with a 'did I say something?'

It's remarkable how different something can taste based on whether it's from a bottle or a can. Sometimes in the summertime my wife and I will drink a Redd's Apple Ale. It's nothing to write home about but it's cold and reasonably refreshing, and a bottle of it isn't sufficiently potent to worry about whether we'll have to drive later (unlike many Stone beers, where a single 22oz bottle means you need to hang up the car keys for about six weeks). Recently we realised it was cheaper to buy it in cans so we did, and regretted it. We've got two cans left, then it's back to bottles.

Old Speckled Hen I find unmistakably foul too. Sort of sticky icky, like it's made out of tongues and snail slime.

Says the man who likes advocaat. Excuse me if I don't take that rant particularly seriously

On other matters, is it just me, or does Red Bull smell like old sick? And why are people drinking it. Apparently it contains taurine. Are they cats? Do they lick their own arse clean? Enquiring minds want to know. OK, you can skip the last bit.

Couldn't tell you, the closest I've been to an open can of Red Bull is when someone at a nearby table was drinking some. Truth be told that's the closest I particularly want to get to an open can of Red Bull.

Actually, on reflection, that's not entirely true. I think I cycled past a discarded Red Bull can once. That was probably the closest I've ever been to an open can of Red Bull.

[Mr Larrington]

In a fit of teh Stupidz I bought a can of Red Bull from a petrol station in the closing overs of the Cheddar Gorge 300, as I was getting the dozies.  And there was BEER in my motor-car at the arrivée.  This was a purchase that will not be repeated yet in spite of its foulness Mateschitz owns not one but two Formula One teams

Red Bull and its ilk were banned in the Gulag and with good reason - anyone caught drinking something that vile deserves to be out on the street with naught to show for it but a depleted bank balance and a crack habit.

[contango]

Advocaaaaaaaaat is a bit like drinking an especially sweet and liquid alcoholic custard. But not quite as good as that would actually be.

It seems to me more like a blend of liquid custard and the contents of the pimples on the faces of a thousand teenagers.

[ian]

The smell of Red Bull is evil. It can fill a room like sarin within a few seconds of someone popping a can open. It smells like stomach contents. Given that the wayward youth down it with vodka it is a considerable component of what they spray over Croydon town centre's pavements in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Like Thunderbird and Southern Comfort, it's one of those liquids that smells as bad going down as coming up.

[Efrogwr]

I once found a case of Thunderbird in a friend's kitchen.

[contango]

The smell of Red Bull is evil. It can fill a room like sarin within a few seconds of someone popping a can open. It smells like stomach contents.

... says the man who likes a blend of custard and the contents of zits, aka advocaat ...

Given that the wayward youth down it with vodka it is a considerable component of what they spray over Croydon town centre's pavements in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Like Thunderbird and Southern Comfort, it's one of those liquids that smells as bad going down as coming up.

Mixing Thunderbird and Southern Comfort is a Really Bad Idea. Throwing tequila into the mix turns it into an Apocalyptically Bad Idea. Don't ask how I know.... it relates to a university night of which I have very little memory, other than that mixing Thunderbird, Southern Comfort and tequila proved to be an Apocalyptically Bad Idea.

[ian]

Well, I can only imagine Thunderbird alone contravenes several chemical weapons conventions. Mixing it like that could take out several city blocks. I think the story goes that E&G Gallo invented Thunderbird as part of a Republican plot to wipe out homeless people. Actually that might have been Wild Irish Rose. They're all better than Cisco Strawberry. I think that was invented to euthanise adult elephants. You know where they got the idea for the sizzling acid blood in Alien? Cisco Strawberry. When the Devil sat down in Hell one day and thought, boy, damning all these souls is thirsty work, if only we had something like Kool-Aid down here, Astaroth outdid himself came up with Cisco Strawberry for him. I think it's available in peach too. I'm pretty sure no fruit was harmed in its manufacture. Even the colour hurts your eyes so I can only imagine that any hangover, if not immediately fatal, is like having a rusty railway spike bashed through your head with an industrial steam hammer.

You can say whatever you want about my liking for advocaat, but even I have standards. I'm not sure if you can get Cisco Strawberry in the UK. For this we should be thankful.

[fuzzy]

Well, I can only imagine Thunderbird alone contravenes several chemical weapons conventions. Mixing it like that could take out several city blocks. I think the story goes that E&G Gallo invented Thunderbird as part of a Republican plot to wipe out homeless people. Actually that might have been Wild Irish Rose. They're all better than Cisco Strawberry. I think that was invented to euthanise adult elephants. You know where they got the idea for the sizzling acid blood in Alien? Cisco Strawberry. When the Devil sat down in Hell one day and thought, boy, damning all these souls is thirsty work, if only we had something like Kool-Aid down here, Astaroth outdid himself came up with Cisco Strawberry for him. I think it's available in peach too. I'm pretty sure no fruit was harmed in its manufacture. Even the colour hurts your eyes so I can only imagine that any hangover, if not immediately fatal, is like having a rusty railway spike bashed through your head with an industrial steam hammer.

You can say whatever you want about my liking for advocaat, but even I have standards. I'm not sure if you can get Cisco Strawberry in the UK. For this we should be thankful.

Is Cisco Strawberry like an alcoholic version of that 70's wonder drink Cresta?

[ian]

Oh, if only. I've only tasted Cisco Strawberry once and that one sip was truly enough to kill my curiosity (and my taste buds and probably most of the cats in the neighbourhood). According to the internet, Cisco Berry is worse which defies imagination. What scale of horrid could they be using? It's like the evil step-cousin of MD20/20 (which sounds like something used to lubricate the moving parts of a combine harvester, MD is apparently Mogen David, which sounds like one of those evil preacher types that turns up in supernatural movies, don't drink the green one Carol Ann.)

If I recall, Cisco Strawberry had a bouquet of part-chewed Starburst and a taste that resembled cough sweets ground up in anti-freeze. The internet confirms its reputation as 'liquid crack'. Nothing that colour is going to be good for you (see also MD20/20's colour palette). Sometimes, when I'm feeling really weird, I like to imagine I'm in a world where everything is various colours of MD20/20s. It's like having your retinas repeatedly punched by fluorescent lederhosen-wearing bears.

[mcshroom]

The name makes it sound like a corporate rival to the Raspberry Pi

[Chris S]

The name makes it sound like a corporate rival to the Raspberry Pi

 

Harping back to Red Bull, I once went to a friend's party where he was drinking Red Bull & Vodka all night long, and allegedly didn't sleep for three days/nights. It's a smell often encountered on late Saturday night bike rides, when passed by small hairdresser-type cars full of blokes, often accompanied by deep booming bass noises and a jovial call of WAAANKAAAAA!

[Feanor]

In Southern Africa, the 'Fanta Orange' is still the utterly magnificent hi-viz luminous orange that's not been legal in the EU for 20 years.
And it tastes wonderfully synthetic!


DSC_2635 by Ron Lowe, on Flickr

And the 'Cream Soda' emits a dull luminous green glow that looks like parts of a nuclear reactor that should never be seen by the naked eye.


DSC_2677 by Ron Lowe, on Flickr

These are the first thing the Juniors want when we arrive in Southern Africa!

[Kim]

In Southern Africa, the 'Fanta Orange' is still the utterly magnificent hi-viz luminous orange that's not been legal in the EU for 20 years.
And it tastes wonderfully synthetic!

It's good stuff, that.   

[spesh]

To the chef who was responsible for preparing my lunch today, plz be making a better job of straining out the bony bits from the fish stock before it goes in the sauce, kthxbai.

[contango]

Well, I can only imagine Thunderbird alone contravenes several chemical weapons conventions. Mixing it like that could take out several city blocks.

It certainly took out a few brain cells the night I tried it. That was an interesting party but the morning after was particularly grim. The afternoon wasn't all that great either, from what I recall.

I think the story goes that E&G Gallo invented Thunderbird as part of a Republican plot to wipe out homeless people. Actually that might have been Wild Irish Rose. They're all better than Cisco Strawberry. I think that was invented to euthanise adult elephants. You know where they got the idea for the sizzling acid blood in Alien? Cisco Strawberry. When the Devil sat down in Hell one day and thought, boy, damning all these souls is thirsty work, if only we had something like Kool-Aid down here, Astaroth outdid himself came up with Cisco Strawberry for him. I think it's available in peach too. I'm pretty sure no fruit was harmed in its manufacture. Even the colour hurts your eyes so I can only imagine that any hangover, if not immediately fatal, is like having a rusty railway spike bashed through your head with an industrial steam hammer.

It reminds me of a peach wine I had at a friend's 18th birthday party when I was - ahem - "18, officer". It tasted wonderful, but it took me the best part of 10 years before I ever saw it again. Needless to say the next time I tasted it I considered it utterly foul. I wonder whether any peaches were harmed in the making of that stuff. At least it didn't strip the back of my throat the way Thunderbird and tequila did.

You can say whatever you want about my liking for advocaat, but even I have standards. I'm not sure if you can get Cisco Strawberry in the UK. For this we should be thankful.

I have standards now, and the bar is set high enough that no advocaat is allowed anywhere near it. Mixing Thunderbird and tequila was a student method of getting Very Much Drunk with Very Much Cheapness. Adding Kestrel Super Strength just added that extra kick of Drunk.

[Legs]

DSC_2677 by Ron Lowe, on Flickr

That looks like tarhun, which is would be No. 1 on Adam Hart-Davis' never-made series What the Former Soviet Union Did For Us.

[ian]

Isn't Fanta Nazi cola? Made during the war when the huggable corporate bunnies at Coca Cola HQ finally had to stop sending everyone's favourite genocidal warmongers their duskily hued soft drink. I'm not sure where all the oranges came from in WW2 Germany. Certainly not Jaffa. There seems to a common European thing now for orange-flavoured cola which is just nasty like they put soil in homeopathically diluted orange juice. Mind you, any liking for cola drinks is something I find elusive.

The Chinese seem to love odd coloured Fantas too. Odd coloured anything. I'm not sure about all those additives, kids seem a lot dumber these days, so I reckon excesses of E110 made me what I am. I quite fancy some Tarhun, which I've never tried. Mind you I made that mistake with Unicum which is definitely a case of spit rather than swallow.

Oh yes, back onto the solids: fish. I'm not big on piscine menu items. I can't eat sushi or sashimi, the sensation of raw fish in my mouth just makes me wriggle and gag. I don't get it. Raw meat in general. And fish is a bit smelly. Yes, yes, someone will say but if it's fresh it doesn't smell. But it's not unless you're bloody Rick Stein or have a great big bloody trawler parked outside, it's not fresh and it is fishy.

[fuzzy]

Oh yes, back onto the solids: fish. I'm not big on piscine menu items. I can't eat sushi or sashimi, the sensation of raw fish in my mouth just makes me wriggle and gag. I don't get it. Raw meat in general. And fish is a bit smelly. Yes, yes, someone will say but if it's fresh it doesn't smell. But it's not unless you're bloody Rick Stein or have a great big bloody trawler parked outside, it's not fresh and it is fishy.

So, no fresh raw herring and diced onion inna bun purchased from C.M.O.T van Dibbler on an Amsterdam Street Corner for you then?

[spesh]

Oh yes, back onto the solids: fish. I'm not big on piscine menu items. I can't eat sushi or sashimi, the sensation of raw fish in my mouth just makes me wriggle and gag. I don't get it. Raw meat in general. And fish is a bit smelly. Yes, yes, someone will say but if it's fresh it doesn't smell. But it's not unless you're bloody Rick Stein or have a great big bloody trawler parked outside, it's not fresh and it is fishy.

So, no fresh raw herring and diced onion inna bun purchased from C.M.O.T van Dibbler on an Amsterdam Street Corner for you then?

And hákarl onna stick from C.M.O.T. Dibblersson would be right out as well.

[Mr Larrington]

I'm sure I had some of that green stuff as a small Mr Larrington in Hong Kong

[ian]

Raw herring? What are you people, mental or something? OK, I had to eat raw herring once and didn't precisely die, but I think I might have come close to having a facial convulsion. I was made to eat it by Chef Erik. I have no idea who Chef Erik is, but I'm told he's a celebrity in Sweden. All I know about Sweden is Volvos, Abba, and Ikea. Oh and my wife's former colleague Karl, who despite being 76, still cross-country skis or cycles (depending on sea) 26 miles each way to work, and yet retains the stamina to impregnate women half his age. I'm not-tonight-Josephine after popping to the corner shop for a KitKat. Don't knock it, there's steps involved.

Anyway, I'm a bit scared when the chef comes watch me eat. You like?, he says, and it's like a culinary polygraph. You know that bit in Bladerunner where they're doing the replicant test? He's looking for the giveaway facial tick. What if I don't? This is a man with a kitchen full of sharp, murdery implements and a eggshell-fragile ego.

So, of course I ate the damn pickled herring.

But ordinarily I'm minded that fish should, as the good Lord intended, come in cans. I'll do pretty much anything for a tin of red salmon. Not the pink stuff, I have exquisite tastes. Days when my mum would reach for the tin of John West red salmon were the happiest of my childhood. Trust me, if you'd tasted her cooking, any day that promised a meal that came ready-to-eat out of a tin was a good one.

[Mrs Pingu]

Pickled isn't raw....
I'd rather have that than the smoked eel again.

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Raw herring? What are you people, mental or something? OK, I had to eat raw herring once and didn't precisely die, but I think I might have come close to having a facial convulsion. I was made to eat it by Chef Erik. I have no idea who Chef Erik is, but I'm told he's a celebrity in Sweden.

I didn't realise he did fish as well as chicken.

[jsabine]

Pickled isn't raw....
I'd rather have that than the smoked eel again.

I like smoked eel very much. Tricky to find though - at least without needing a second mortgage.

I like pickled herring too.