Current family status

[Nothereforafasttime]

A straw poll to get things started on this one with the explanation below.

I am a 46 year old cyclist having begun riding audaxes/sportives in 2012 (swept along with the whole Olympic thing if I'm honest) and I was wondering what everyone elses current family situation is?  Do you have young children, live alone, married, retired, etc, etc? The reason I ask is because after my lengthy ride last Saturday (The Kennet Valley Run 200km) my 14 year old daughter piped up and said that 'Your'e always out on your bike'.  Now this suggested to me that I don't spend enough time with my family, and upon thinking about it she's probably not wrong.  My 12 year old son also questioned where I was during the ride, apparently asking mum 'if he's back yet'. Clearly then a case of departing from my duties as loving father.

I should add that we are a strong family unit and we are all still living together quite happily.  Now I enjoy cycling and I had planned to do other rides (I had a 300, 400 and 600 planned) but those comments from my children made me think I ought to stop trying to aspire to something even bigger on two wheels (for now at least) and concentrate more on the important things (if there is anything more important than cycling of course - ha ha!)  Trying to get the enough training in and 'raw' miles on the road for those bigger rides I mentioned is pretty tough when you have a young family and I would not want to neglect my duties as a good father to them.

Sorry about the lengthy message but I was wondering if anyone is in a similar position and how do you manage to fit cycling around the rest of your life/family?

[mattc]

I know people with no kids who never leave their partner's side outside of work hours.

I know mums who spend far more time on sport/hobbies than you do.

Your post seems to be asking what is normal, or possibly average. There IS no average family. Normal is not the norm!

[De Sisti]

If other things are more important (happy family that are cared for and work, to pay for
family upkeep and bills, etc) then cycling has to take a backward step. Just sayin'.

[Peter]

Yes, I echo what matt and de sisti have said.  It might be possible to construct an "average" famkily out of statisitics - but it would be one that didn't actually exist.  You certainly wouldn't expect to find one on here!

Maybe family discussion is needed if you are feeling awkward about this.  It might be that everything is actually fine.  But you need to know.

All the best

Peter

[Nothereforafasttime]

Thanks for the feedback so far.

I guess what I am saying is that from the cycling friends that I know of, not one of them has children (or they are not living with them because they are at uni, etc) so am I in the minority where getting in anything more than 50 miles in a single ride costs time with the family?  Sounds like too much of a coincidence to me.

(*cries into bowl of corn flakes knowing his kids will grow up not knowing who their father is if he keeps on cycling silly miles)

[Peter]

If your 14 and 12 year-old don't know who their father is by now, is there something you don't know?!

[Nothereforafasttime]

Haha no of course they do know me and we all live as one happy family. 

At the risk of answering my own question my wife has let me run wragged over the years in taking off with my trusty steed probably too many times to take part in 100 plus mile audaxes all over the country (always a case of me stating what I'll do rather than what I want to do - subtle difference). 

Who wouldn't want to be in that situation though eh?!

[orienteer]

Went for a long period without cycling while the kids were young. The only suggestion is to get them cycling too and go for rides together, rather slower and shorter to start with, eventually you won't be able to keep up with them 

[hellymedic]

Being retired does not exclude other family set-ups.

FWIW I'm retired, no kids, cohabiting with chap who's been here since 2002.

Can't cycle myself now.

[matthew]

Went for a long period without cycling while the kids were young. The only suggestion is to get them cycling too and go for rides together, rather slower and shorter to start with, eventually you won't be able to keep up with them 

yep, Orienteer beat me to it. by the time I was your daughters age my younger sister (your son's age) and I were touring with our father, 1 week at easter, 2 weeks in the summer and a long weekend each half term. We would use youth hostels and go from hostel to hostel initially up to 30-40 miles per day at 10 years old and up to 70 miles per day at you childrens current age. As Orienteer says initially dad carried four panniers to our saddle bag, then each had two panniers then finally when I was 16+ I started carrying Dad's luggage after lunch just to speed him up a bit.

if touring feels a bit much maybe your children could cope with a 100. If they get the bug then with a bit of encouragement and the right steed a 200 isn't unreachable.

[tom_e]

I think it's difficult to argue that lots of long-distance bike rides works entirely well with young children about.  Personally, I only do a handful each year.  We try to discuss up-front our own "me" time (for want of a better phrase) and ensure we both get to spend a bit of it by prior agreement.

Tried to set myself up for a 600 a few years back while the kids were still young.  The time away was already feeling a little too much as I built up the rides, and then a cracked frame intruded and I decided that It Was Not Meant To Be for the time being.

Definitely go with what orienteer said - get out with the kids as much as possible.  When I chose to have kids I wanted to do stuff with them, not despite them.  In only a few years time in the grand scheme of things they will be off away without me and I'll still be able to ride audax as an old bugger.  Now is still their time (with a handful of rides squeezed in for me too ).

[Nothereforafasttime]

Tried to set myself up for a 600 a few years back while the kids were still young.  The time away was already feeling a little too much as I built up the rides

My point entirely.  For years it's always been the case of 'Family, guess what, I'm buggering off to cycle Lands End to John O'Groats' (which I did in 2013 and 2014 - admittedly when they were a bit younger but still old enough to remember) so I don't know what you lot are doing' and not really having a thought about what they would be doing whilst I was away but this weekend it kind of hit home that maybe I am doing too much on the bike and not enough with them (cue folk telling me 'they grow up so fast don't they' and that I'm starting to sound like a terrible father  )

[dat]

I'm married with a child but we didn't get married until 10/11 years into our relationship. Many of these years we also had a Son.

Where are the options for unmarried with kids?

[Nothereforafasttime]

Where are the options for unmarried with kids?

There you go....

[dat]

I've just finished a 200k and spent two nights in a premier inn. My son (11) was at home with my wife.

I see my Son and wife every day of the week after work and most weekends. They're both happy with me heading out for rides as they know it's something I love doing and it keeps me happy. This is the same as my Son when he sometimes sits in his room playing his xbox or my wife going for walks with here friends.

I think it's unhealthy if all your happiness and enjoyment are tied to one person and you or they are dependant on it. You can't expect your children to provide all your happiness nor you provide all theirs. This is important to teach them to have health future relationships.

EDIT: Just re-read this after knocking up a lasagne for later. I don't mean to come off preachy and there are many ways to have relationships and to raise kids. This is just my take on one single issue.

[ElyDave]

Surely the question here is how you balance the wants and needs of various family members at various times

Are you talking to your wife and kids about it?

My situation is 2 kids, one disabled the other "normal", one wife.  Daughter has a busy life - now 14, son also has a busy life with carers. Our challenge is my work taking me away a lot, including some weekends, dealing with our son and making sure he's a full part of the family etc.  I'm Type 1 diabetic, so regular excercise is fundamental to managing that, which is understood, and my wife needs to exercise to help manage back problems, but as usual it's a balance.  I'm the only cyclist.

We've come to an understanding that one audax a month is not unreasonable if balanced with family time as well, and I try and manage training to be as non-disruptive as possible including being out before first light if that's what it takes - which wasn't a bad thing last summer tbh.  Holidays, I hate sitting on a beach - last year and this, I've gone on cycling holidays in the Scottish isles, wife and daughter went elsewhere with friends, this year on a cruise with family. The other of us was then at home to help with son who is now far too big and unweildy for family holidays. Next year will be a family holiday with the three of us and overnight care at home for him.  Not saying this is perfect, but it sort of works

[Auntie Helen]

What about an option for ‚in a partnership - no kids‘.

That’s what I am and we cycle together most weekends

[Nothereforafasttime]

Are you talking to your wife and kids about it?

No but judging by the type of remarks I received from my children at the weekend I will be doing more of that now.

[Nothereforafasttime]

What about an option for ‚in a partnership - no kids‘.

Added.  Any more from anyone?

[Kim]

What about an option for ‚in a partnership - no kids‘.

Added.  Any more from anyone?

Bah!  And I just ticked "Married - but no children" for want of a better option.

Not that legal status really affects time available for cycling.

[DuncanM]

People are away from home for all sorts of reasons. Many jobs demand this, sometimes for months at a time. Personally I don't know how they or their family deal with this, but then since I've had a family I've only ever been an office worker able to commute each day.
I tend not to go for many properly long bike rides, but for any activity that involves being away for a whole day, I would check with my wife and kid that it's OK. I would expect my wife to do the same if she were planning something involving being away for a day. Maybe you could maintain your audax habit if you communicated better?

[telstarbox]

Mrs T and I have some hobbies which we do without the other, including audaxing for me. I try to line up all-day rides like a 200km for when she has something on so that we don't spend all our time 'avoiding ' each other But that isn't a rule. I think it's a balance like many things.

[ElyDave]

My employer is quite flexible in that if I'm away over weekends, there's an implicit assumption that I'll claw at least some of the time back. This time of year is particularly $bastard$ for weekends due to a gvernment imposed deadline for clients that we need to work on to approve their data. So last weekend I did some hours, this weekend just gone I was in my office about 8 hours on Saturday, and from 7:45 am to 10pm yesterday.  I'll take a few easy days this week anf next and maybe head out for a ride or two if the weather is good.

Last tiem we made it official after I had a 14 day stint in Saudi and took TOIL when I got back, I got run over.  I won't make that mistake again, stealth for me from now on.

[Greenbank]

Married with a 9yo daughter. I effectively put long distance cycling on hold whilst my daughter grows up. Last long ride was PBP 2011 (daughter was 18 months old) and even then I did almost the bare minimum of riding to get there.

Nowadays I get to do the occasional longer ride (usually one or two 200s a year) but couldn't contemplate going for anything longer (300+ let alone PBP or LEL) as I feel that the necessary rides to get there would just eat up too much of our family time. I get plenty of time with my daughter during the week (I collect her from school 3 days a week) but it's time with her AND my wife that is scarce and usually only available at weekends. I know plenty of her friends only get to see one of their parents (usually the dad) at the weekend as they're busy at work throughout the week (up and out before the kids wake up, back home after they're in bed) and whilst that works for some it's definitely not for us.

I only work 4 days a week at the moment, so I have one day (9am to 4pm) to myself whilst my daughter is at school and an after school club. 7 hours is enough to get a nice long ride in but the rhythm is broken by half-terms and summer holidays. At the moment I've been using my Mondays more for swimming/running (or recovery from long runs the day before) but now the weather is nicer and the daylight better I'll be upping the mileage for Veloview tile bagging rides up to 120km or so.

Current plan is for more running/swimming and therefore triathlon as the training can be split up into smaller chunks (no 8 hour long slow swims) and easily fitted in during a week here and there without much disruption, even a 3 hour long run at the weekend can be done by 10am leaving the rest of the day free.

I've no idea whether I'll actually return for, say, PBP 2027 when my daughter will be 17. I'll still be a relative youngster of 50 then so I'll have no excuse on that front.

[Whitedown Man]

Nowhere to vote if you’re married with (grown-up) kids that no longer live at home.

When we did have live-in kids my wife and I had an arrangement where she’d do her thing one day at the weekend and childcare was my responsibility, and vice versa on the other day.

Worked well for us, but every family is different (as that Russian chap nearly said).