Finally caught up The Color Out of Space. Nicolas Cage and HP Lovecraft. It took a while for Our Nic to do his trademark bonkers thing, but it was worth it. Bonus points for mutant alpacas. Fewer point for the location, which looked nothing like New England, and generally being a bit dull, shortchanged on the brooding otherworldly menace.
We are still doing the disaster-quest, though we've had to turn it down to one per weekend, our mental health was suffering under the onslaught of terrible apocalypses and we kept stumbling on occasional ones that 'weren't actually too bad' – we were never sure if they weren't actually too bad, or if we'd been cinematically re-calibrated. Life as an awfulophile isn't without its risks.
We hit one head-on this weekend – Countdown: Armageddon (IMDB has it as Jerusalem). It quickly turned out it was a Christian movie (but hey, on the Nic Cage riff, who doesn't love Left Behind). To be fair, this made Left Behind (by any traditional measure, one of the worst movies ever made) look like coherent movie making (watch it, you'll feel dirty but good). Christian movies are like Christian rock. Practically no one sells their soul to Jesus for a guitar and if you do, you are doing it wrong, it's all wholesome campfire sing-a-longs rather than lines of coke the length of the Great Wall of China, stadia full of nubile groupies, and RAAAAAAWK. Absolutely no one is going to salute you, and that's a fact. They'll kick you in the nuts and tell you to stop the bloody Jesus-a-wauling.
Anyway, Christian movies are just as shit as Christian rock. This is axiomatic. This once was special because not one single scene made any sense. A confused-looking lead trying to find her little girl (abdusted from a LA toilet by, I think, god – yes, I know, holy pedobear, batman). Who turned up in Jerasalem. Don't ask why, no one knows, but that's where apocalypses happen, so get on the plane. And the plane scene. Special. It was a movie of special moments. They were lined up, squeezed out one after the other. You could almost hear the splash after each. There was a Timotei angel a pointless wander around the desert as the movie stumbled into further comprehensibility. You will like the fact that the agency of the Anti-Christ was the EU and anti-christ was the head of the EU, sorry, New World Order.
It didn't really have an ending. She got her daughter back (in a, I suppose, literal deus ex machina) and there were some quotes from Revelations, just in case you'd missed the only comprehensible bit of the plot – it's a Christian apocalypse movie – in which case, trust me, you're going to be at the back of the queue to get raptured, if you can find a queue, you'll probably end up getting the last sausage roll from Greggs after a twenty minute wait rather than an eternal afterlife in Heaven. Which, if they've showing stuff like this on whatever passes for a streaming service Uptown, you're better off taking the down escalator.