G Imlach: | O hai! Iz I, TV's G Imlach, teh man 2 whose foto all Perrier Award winz0rz haz on teh bedroom wall! 1st teh Stuffs wot ITV4 maed us bung in teh hilites prog, teh muppets! Er, there ent much. A Kristoff retain teh snottyjumper in spite ov losin' nearli 1/2 a hour, M Hirschi haz teh juniorshinyjumper, B Cosnefroy haz teh spottyjumper & J Alaphilippe's mask dunt fit properli! |
TP Kennaugh: | U cannot let J Alaphilippe taek a inch! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
NC Boardman: | I do not think teh pelican will allow J Alaphilippe 2 do that agane! |
Bethany (10): | |
G Imlach: | Y u do that, Bethany (10)? |
Bethany (10): | He’s just a biek racer, FFS, not Dog Almitey! |
G Imlach: | Sho sum sympathy, Bethany (10)! Hiz Dad died on teh da teh Tour ov France shud ov started, u kno! |
Bethany (10): | @ least he had a Dad 2 lose! |
G Imlach: | U shud orlways haz a Hero. Who's ur Hero, Bethany (10)? |
Bethany (10): | 5's ol' man! Imagine bein' able 2 inspire that level ov Teh Ph3@r in peops who doan pay there billz wifout even havin' 2 hurt 'em! |
EC Boardman: | Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
J Alaphilippe: | Ah agree wiz ze leetle gril… |
Bethany (10): | Wait… WHAT?!?!? How iz I supposed 2 h8 u iffen u agree wif me? I h8, er, um [Stamps foot]. |
G Imlach: | Now u dun it, J Alaphilippe! She'll b stuck in a illogic loop until we can reboot her! NE way, 2da we haz teh Route Napoléon, a bunch ov minor lumps & teh snottysprint Sprint SPRINTEEE rite near teh end 2 mess wif Crazy P Sagan's hed! |
CP Sagan: | Pffft! |
G Imlach: | We haz 3 stooges out front A Perez spottyj… |
Omnes: | Wait… WHAT?!?!? This ent teh hole staeg liev, is it? U lied 2 us, G Imlach! U lied 2 us! |
G Imlach: | Soz. Iz coz ov teh bank holibob. Noone want 2 work on teh bank holibob. Is orl part ov growing up & bein' BRITISH! |
M Pingu: | snot a bank holibob in that Scotland, ye grate bawbag! |
Omnes: | Indeed, Mrs P. Shit excuse, G Imlach. Carry on. |
G Imlach: | Spottyjumper wearer B Cosnefroy & J Cousin. It rained. A Perez 1st lot ov spottypoints. Perfect break 4 J Alaphilippe! |
NC Boardman: | Iffen they bring teh break back, innit! They dunt haz a word for “flat” round there! |
TP Kennaugh: | C Ewan S Bennett! Sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
G Imlach: | Christ! Are Nobby & Dick's L33t H@XX0rz doin' a BOGOF so's we can get Bethany (10) & Tiny P's operating systems reinstalled? Over 2 *** & Super D wile I get on teh blower! |
N Boulting: | Weather! Storms! |
SD Millar: | Sings: It's teh eeeeeeend ov teh summer! |
Omnes: | That sounded liek a dog eatin' a cactus, Super D! Ur worser @ singin' than D Caruso! |
SD Millar: | [Sulks…] |
N Boulting: | Napoléon! Elba! Walked 2 Paris! Congress ov Vienna! Outlaw! Waterloo! |
EO Aquitaine: | Ptui! If I'd bin in charge that one wud have ended diffrunt! |
N Boulting: | Radio! Video! Boogie wif a suitcase! Audio! |
SD Millar: | Teh pelican iz teh noizy plaec, onli u don't here it on teh tellybox! |
J Cousin: | Stop titting about, u 2! I'm gettin' cold! |
A Perez: | \o/ MOAR spottypoints! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | We sent TV's D Friebe 2 interviewz0r E Bernal… |
D Friebe: | O hai! O hai, E Bernal! |
E Bernal: | O hai, 4 sure, good da ect. |
D Friebe: | J Alaphilippe? |
E Bernal: | Good 4 sure 2 haz teh Frenchie in teh shinyjumper. But not 2 give him 3 minits this tiem roffle! |
D Friebe: | Ur sunglasses La Vie Claire B Hinault G Lemond P Mondrian et B Tapie le crook célèbre? |
E Bernal: | No, iz teh colors ov teh Colombian fleg! |
B Cosnefroy: | OK, J Cousin, off u fck! Me & A Perez CBA 2 sta awa! |
J Cousin: | Wha-hey! 127 km solo 2 teh finish! Piec ov piss! |
N Boulting: | J Cousin! Part-tiem brickie, tourist & hairy! |
S Geschke: | Pah! He look liek a hipi, not a hipsta liek me, S Geschke! |
G Soupe: | Mi hipsta beard iz beter than urs, S Geschke! |
S Geschke: | Bah! I iz teh 1 troo hipsta ov teh pelican! |
N Boulting: | Transfers Citroën S Calamityjane! R Bardet Sunweb! |
M Pingu: | Sunweb? Lumweb, MOAR liek! |
R Bardet: | I h8 u all! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! A Perez & B Cosnefroy r bak in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! Let us tork 2 M White teh DS ov TM Scott. O hai, M White! A Yates! |
M White: | O hai… brrgzapf… A Yat… splung… [NO CARRIER] |
Omnes: | Bi teh miracle ov SCIENCE! |
N Boulting: | Bah! M White? M White? |
M White: | Soz. Fone jamming bi T Moviestar's Analytickal Endjinn! Dolphiné A Yates gastro crrrrrrrr Dolphiné taxi pour M Pinot hiss crkle Dolphiné! |
Omnes: | Y do u bother, ***? |
N Boulting: | Variety iz teh spiec ov lief! Or iz that cumin? A Yates Bouncy Castle ov Doom? |
M White: | Crrrrrr zing… GV Laundromat… |
N Boulting: | Tiem 4 lunch & BRANDDDYY! |
| […] |
M Rendall: | O hai Alps olives wine cheese et les autres bonnes produits de la belle France! J Cousin will not haz any. Ov them. |
SD Millar: | Heavy roads wind nasty. J Cousin lead coming down but pelican strung out! |
M Rendall: | J Cousin! Went 2 Portugal wif hiz grilf! Rode 11,000 km in 6 das! |
Omnes: | Sumhow we doubt ur figgas, M Rendall! |
M Rendall: | Shut! Up! TD Gendt T Wellens ridin' hoam from teh Italy! |
SD Millar: | Chateau! Built bi hairy McScots who claimed 2 be from Bute but wiz reely Weegies! Maeks u proud 2 be Scotsish! |
| […] |
M Rendall: | Super D haz gone huntin'. We haz TV's Niec C Boardman 4 ur audible delectation. |
NC Boardman: | O hai! September iz supposed 2 b dry in France but noone haz told les Alpes d'Haut Provence! Rocks! |
M Rendall: | Sparse! Tiem-trail! |
NC Boardman: | Tiem-trailling iz COVID-safe! Personal fingers! |
M Rendall: | Mont Ventoux C Froome R Porte! A Yates nearli shinyjumper! Boo, hiss, chiz! |
EC Boardman: | C Froome without hiz biek! Illeagle! Should ov been disqualificated! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
NC Boardman: | Quiet, Evil me! T Martin! |
M Rendall: | TD Windmill! Helped J Alaphilippe bi fallin' off ov hiz biek! |
TD Windmill: | It weren’t deliberate! |
NC Boardman: | Bieks disc brakes wider tyres rolling resistance! |
M Rendall: | Disc brakes 2 effective? |
NC Boardman: | Iz why pictures ov UFOs stopped when every1 haz mobile fone camera! |
M Rendall: | |
NC Boardman: | [Undeterred] Hydraulics infernal cables tidy liek teh hair ov a Thort Leader! |
M Rendall: | |
| […] |
M Rendall: | Y not visit Castellane on ur holibobs next year? See ses campings sa barrage ses Mercedes-Benzes ses birbs et ses steppingstones! |
N Boulting: | Oi! Rendall! No! |
ML Maire: | I stayed there in 1985 after mi new frend Herman teh Dutchman blagged us on2 1 ov ses campings! |
Omnes: | O RLY? |
ML Maire: | YA RLY! We had a ice-cream & went paddlin' in teh river. |
M Rendall: | Enuff ov ur ga bantz! Y A Perez & B Cosnefroy abandon teh break, Tiny P? |
TP Kennaugh: | Either B Cosnefroy a wet-weed or sumfink else. I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
Omnes: | So Nobby & Dick's L33t H@XX0rz was a bust, then, G Imlach? |
G Imlach: | Le sigh! |
M Rendall: | J Alaphilippe masque d'or man in teh iron mask Casque d' Or theatah! |
TP Kennaugh: | Ooh! Ur clevvah, M Rendall! I wish I woz clevvah liek u+! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
M Rendall & TP Kennaugh: | [5 minits ov nauseating J Alaphilippe fanboizm az bad az ne thing we had last year] |
M Rendall: | S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard got doned 4 slipstreamin' teh team cars. He hav -2 spottypoints & -10 snottypoints! |
J Cousin: | Well, I haz +2 spottypoints now! Yay! Go me! |
| [4 minits later] |
B Cosnefroy: | Spottypoint! Huzzah! |
A Perez: | Onoz! Mi biek! Bah! |
EC Boardman: | Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! Orl this & shitverts 2! Ahahahaha! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | We’re baaaaaaack! Well, I am! Looks liek B Cosnefroy & N Peters r making a break! Y they do that? |
B Cosnefroy: | Combativité! |
N Boulting: | Mite J Cousin ease up & wate 4 B Cosnefroy & N Peters? |
TP Kennaugh: | Yes. No. Maybe. I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
N Boulting: | Oh. It doan maek no never mind. B Cosnefroy & N Peters haz been cort in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! |
TP Kennaugh: | |
N Boulting: | Sprint0rz! Leave out CP Sagan & A Greipel teh goriler ov 3b… |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!1! |
N Boulting: | … who haz pwned mani staegs, most ov teh sprint0rz on teh raec haz not pwned a staeg @ all! |
TP Kennaugh: | With that in mind, I think S Bennett will pwn teh staeg. He's not from teh Isle ov Man, but I am! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Onoz! Wile u woz awa, A Perez doned a chute, b0rked hiz collabone & iz out ov teh raec! |
SD Millar: | Yoicks! |
N Boulting: | Radio Tour sez TP Fairy assault attacked him. Twice. Then he bounced off ov teh team car. Omnishambles! |
EC Boardman: | Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Class! |
Omnes: | It's! Not! Funny! |
EC Boardman: | Oh! Yes! It! Is! |
N Boulting: | Alpes d'Haut Provence! Rocks, Super D! Geology! |
SD Millar: | |
N Boulting: | [Improvising desperately…] CP Sagan snottyjumper! Will he contest teh snottysprint Sprint SPRINTEEE with vim, vigour & other Stuffs beginning wif “V”? |
SD Millar: | CP Sagan not teh CP Sagan ov old. Quantity not quality! & no doning teh crazy! |
TP Fairy: | O hai! O hai S Bennett C Ewan G Nizzolo! |
N Boulting: | TP Fairy assault attack teh sprint0rz! Y she do that? |
EC Boardman: | Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! LOLZ0RZ! |
M Rendall: | Team car brake A Perez crunch bang l'hostipal! |
N Boulting: | Team cars! |
SD Millar: | Team cars ex-riders driving telepathy morality Ted & Alice! |
N Boulting: | 2004 J Ullrich bak window passenger seat! |
J Ullrich [via PiePost]: | Sumwun tole me there woz a CAEK in teh glove box! |
J Cousin: | Enuff alredi wif ur snack-related japery! Another spottypoint 4 meeeeee! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Downhill most ov teh wa 2 teh finish gap down 2 1’20” J Cousin doomed! |
J Cousin: | Beter than climbin' a mountain in teh pissin' rain! Also, snottypoints! |
N Boulting: | Shall J Alaphilippe tit about this year or not? |
SD Millar: | Iffen he tits about it may mene he iz not srsly contesting teh GC. Or not. |
CP Sagan: | \o/ Taek that A Kristoff M Trentin & u other hoapless stooges! |
SD Millar: | Lead-out trains. Old hat. Noone can afford teh luxury ne MOAR! |
N Boulting: | Big headwinds @ teh finish. TV's D Friebe sez so. |
D Friebe: | He's rite, u kno! |
N Boulting: | Still, is not teh dangerous rainz0rz liek Satur… |
| [Cut 2 shot ov enorm-o-storm wif added thunder, litenin' ect ect] |
N Boulting: | I, er, oh, bugger! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | 25 km 30 seconds! Look, see! D Gaudu! He ate’nt DED! |
SD Millar: | P Sivakov! He ate’nt DED neither! |
N Boulting: | Wind! Solar power station! Wind turbines! Power a house 4 da wif a single rotation! |
SD Millar: | O RLY? |
N Boulting: | YA RLY! Mi sauces r impeckable! |
SD Millar: | Les Pénitents des Mées. Monks turned 2 stone after falling for grilz teh local lord brung bak from teh Crusades! |
N Boulting: | Srsly? |
SD Millar: | No. Result ov teh Durance river doin' Stuffs. |
N Boulting: | Doesn’t sound v liekly. I prefer teh story wif teh monks! |
SD Millar: | |
N Boulting: | S Bennett haz hole team xept J Alaphilippe who haz other fishies 2 fri! |
M Kitteh [via KittehNet]: | Did sumwun sa “fish”? I liek fish! Also, miaow! |
Omnes: | Bak in ur cradboard box, M Kitteh, or iz teh vet 4 u! |
M Kitteh: | Bah! |
| [Enfin…] |
Omnes: | Birb! Birb! Huge white birb! Crank up ur l33t 0rn1th091c@l 5k1llz & identify it 4 us, ***! |
N Boulting: | It's! A! Fukn! Glider! |
T Pelican: | O hai, J Cousin! Did u miss us? |
J Cousin: | No. No, not rly. |
N Boulting: | CP Sagan! Difficult 2 see when he’s not in teh snottyjumper! |
SD Millar: | I followed him once 10 km 5 near-DETH xperienz0rz bunny-hops on trafic islands sparks comin' off hiz weelz I baled out! |
Omnes: | Wuss! |
CP Sagan: | Crazy! LOLZ0RZ! |
Omnes: | Torkin' ov crazy, iz Teh Devil! Yay! |
SD Millar: | Teams ov teh sprint0rz comin' 2 teh 4: C Ewan S Bennett S Colbrelli & er, J Alaphilippe. Titting about. |
J Alaphilippe: | Noes, Super D, u witless dullard, I iz not tittin' about! I iz stoppin' teh other sprint0rz from gettin' on S Bennett's weelz! |
N Boulting: | Roundabout! & 2 teh surprise ov noone T FDJ went teh rong way! |
Omnes: | Roffle &, moreover, LOLZ0RZ! |
M Madiot: | Fck! Off! |
N Boulting: | Chute! B Cosnefroy WV Aert Montoya 2 D Quintana! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! L Rowe lead T Ineo$ thru teh 3 km 4 elf'n'safe tea reasons! |
ML Maire: | FFS, ITV4! U pulled teh plug wif 1.8 km 2 go! U utter tw@s! U wouldn’t ov doned that iffen it woz fukn foopball! |
| [Some hours laters…] |
SD Millar: | Chassis, er, chaos! |
N Boulting: | T Sunweb haz 4 riders up front! Iz, er, CP Saga… C Bol… S Benne… |
C Ewan: | \o/ |
S Bennett: | Arse! |
C Bol: | Piss! |
CP Sagan: | 5th! Taking Snotty Mountain bi Strategy! |
J Alaphilippe: | I am vair 'appee! |
G Imlach: | So there u haz it. Join us 2 moro 4 MOAR Tour ov France-shaped LOLZ0RZ! Mountain-top finish, Niec C & Tiny P tipping A Yates 4 teh shinyjumper! |
Bethany (10): | U realise I gotta go bak 2 skool 2moro? 'snot natural, goin' bak 2 skool in teh middle ov teh Tour ov France! |
Maninblack #1: | U here that, Mr Terminator? That woz teh sound ov inevitability! Now we kno where 2 find her! |
| [FX: Old-skool split-flap railway destination board] |
Maninblack #2: | HASTUR LA VISA, BOBBY! |
| |
+ | With a total lack ov irony |