At the weekend, Julian and I attended the
Waltz on the Wye Steampunk Festival. It was a glorious weekend, involving corsets, contraptions and
Professor Elemental.
One of the highlights of the festival is the Tea Duelling competition and we had both resolved to test our mettle against the finest tea duellists in the land. For those not acquainted with the intricacies of the Tea Duel, perhaps I should just quote from the Rules:
International Tea Duelling League
Rules and Regulations appertaining to the Noble and Ancient Art of Tea Duelling - Welsh Imperium
A mere three minutes is all the opening in which biscuits may be consumed, conversation upon a subject given by the judge [all contestants within a round have the same subject] will take place and good manners, wit, elegance and a clean cup are the aim of the contest.
Marks may be gained or lost for such matters as posture, pinkie usage, politeness, wit, clarity of speech, clarity of thought and amusing, preferably either original or apt quotation and good conversation. The other contestant and the judge are there to be amused, entertained and impressed.
Each competitor STARTS with a total of 20 points, thereafter the Judge will observe both the competitors and their conversation. Points will be gained or lost according to the Rules and Regulations, Judges Pointers [private]. Judges decisions are absolute.
In the unlikely event of a tie, the Judge at that table, prior to the Judges Huddle, will take a Rich Tea biscuit and break it before the competitors. The win goes to the side with the larger portion.
A Judges Huddle will take place immediately after the 3 minutes and competitors are requested to remain seated until the winners are declared privately to each table.
Competitors may then leave the arena. Winners may enter themselves for the next round, those who were not declared winners in this round may also enter themselves, but for the next year's competition. They will be most welcome as audience in the following rounds.
The honour of being crowned Tea Duelling Steampunk of the Year will be accompanied by the presentation of a perpetual trophy. Trophy to be returned in good order to the League at the commencement of the next Annual International Tea Duelling League's competition.
Julian and I won our first round and met each other in the heats. She beat me, of course.
We worked our way up the leader board, with conversational subjects ranging from Krakens to Zepplins, to great Victorian accomplishments. Rich Tea biscuits are surprisingly dry and I favoured the riskier tactic of dunking. Julian made up points lost at the biscuit plate with her sparkling wit and encyclopaedic knowledge.
The semi finals brought with them a change in rules; the duel would now involve four minutes conversation and a compulsory fondant fancy. As you can imagine, by this stage we were almost twitching with the caffeine and sugar we'd consumed. To my surprise and delight, we found ourself facing each other in the Grand Final:
The crowd fell silent:
The judge announced the subject and we were off:
Four minutes, one cup of tea, three biscuits and one fondant fancy. All whilst discussing our favourite tea. Could such a thing be possible?
Julian pushed ahead with the fondant fancy almost immediately:
It was a bold strategy - and led me to attempting an unorthodox move with my pinkie which didn't work as I'd planned. When the judge called time, both cups were dry, both cakes were done - but I'd nudged ahead on the biscuit count. Would it be enough? There was a judges' huddle and the rules were consulted:
...and Julian was announced to have taken it by a whisker (although nobody mentioned
whose whisker). The first ever International Tea Duelling champion!
Would anyone be interested in forming a regional league?
