G Imlach: | O hai! And welcome 2 stage 16 ov teh Tour ov France or, as P Poljanski of TB Hansgrohe calls it, stage 17 ov teh Tour ov France! 2da we haz Pyraknees, which are liek Alps but different, as TV's Niec C Boardman will now explain. |
NC Boardman: | Hold on! I ate'nt finished me croissant! [FX: Revolting chewing noises] |
Bethany [8]: | Ewwwwww! |
CP Sagan: | P Poljanski is made ov FAIL. Those r not his legses! I should kno; I had 2 look at them all da Sunda! |
NC Boardman: | [Lengthy expostulation ov plate tectonics] Aren't rocks BRILLIANT??!?1? |
G Imlach: | That wasn't quite wot I had in mind, Niec C! |
NC Boardman: | [Pouting] Even TV's *** Boulting lieks rocks! |
G Imlach: | SD Brailsford: WTF was he thinking? |
NC Boardman: | Angry SD Brailsford iz angry! |
EC Boardman: | Even if teh Tour ov France woz onli 4 French teams T Cofidis still wouldn't pwn a stage! A hahahaha! Oh yes! |
C Vasseur: | Bof! U Ingleesh! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | O hai! We been shopping! |
Omnes: | Onoz! Please, not 4 wankhats! |
N Boulting: | Noes, peasants! Look, see! [Waves models around Lard Rover Peugeot 404 Citröen DS] |
SD Millar: | I haz sum 2! I'm building a pelican ov mi very own! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! France TV's tips R Majka W Barguil J Alaphilippe G Izzywizzy! |
SD Millar: | Expect teh unexpected! R Bardet downhill finish! |
C Prudhomme: | Good moaning! OK, u marzipan chimps, bggr off! Xept u, T $ky! U must sta 'ere, an' write "I meurst nit b a tw@" two 'undred tiems! |
SD Brailsford: | That's exactly wot I fookin' mean, u balding fooker! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | T Moviestar rubbish or wot? |
SD Millar: | Yes. Yes, they are. They should maek alliance wif TLNL Jumbo! |
Omnes: | Or T Cofidis 4 all teh good it wud do! |
N Boulting: | ...R Ferrari's hair haz grown longer over teh last 2 weeks! |
Bethany [8]: | Not much happening then? |
SD Millar: | No. No there is not. |
N Boulting: | Cathars! |
SD Millar: | Cathars! Exterminated in a manner T AS-TA-NA can onli dreme ov! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! TD Gendt iz @ teh back ov teh pelican! |
SD Millar: | He's fed up coz no-1 wants 2 pla wif him! |
| [...] |
A Paysan: | We r not happy wif our lot! Eat straw, bicyclistes! |
B Hinault: | Wusses! Get out there & tw@ 'em! |
N Boulting: | Yoicks! Teh race iz stopped! Riders haz Stuffs in teh eyes! |
SD Millar: | Pepper spray? |
N Boulting: | Cockup by les flics! |
SD Millar: | Reboot! |
| [...] |
C Prudhomme: | OK, u keech-flecked putains, get on wif it! |
R Majka: | Si, barone! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!!1!] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! TB Merida haz a rider in teh break! Team classification! |
SD Millar: | Xpect reaction by T Moviestar! |
Bethany [8]: | Yes, they'll fire a hapless domestique up teh road. Later A Valverde will attack & catch teh hapless domestique, both will blo up & get cort & shat out by teh pelican. M Landa will do sweet FA & I Montoya N Quintana will lose moar tiem, becoz he's a Rubbish iffen he hazn't got teh motorbiek 2 hang on2! |
N Boulting: | A good point, Bethany [8], & well-made! Xept that teh break got cort during teh shitverts... |
Bethany [8]: | Oh. Bum! |
SD Millar: | Never mind, Bethany [8], it iz tiem 4 teh first appearance this year ov EO Aquitaine! |
EO Aquitaine: | 'ello everybody peops! |
C Prudhomme: | Back in ur grave, u norty duchesse! U kno ur not allowed out after ur DETH! |
EO Aquitaine: | Blast these silly rools! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | T AS-TA-NA will be buzzing 2da! |
Omnes: | O rly? Been @ teh DOK-TA FER-RAR-I'S AS-TA-NA BEANZ™ agane, have they? |
J Birdsong: | Fck! Off! |
| [...] |
P York: | ...& I saw B Hinault clouting teh protesters wif mi own eyes! Ov course he woz not punished, becoz he did not thump another rider! |
Bethany [8]: | Hold on! Did not C Froome get fined 4 belting a spectidiot a couple ov years ago? |
C Prudhomme: | Bof! U Ingle... oh, ze leetle gril! Er, it was a different tiem back then? |
Bethany [8]: | 10/10, C Prudhomme! Ur teh quick learner! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | w00t! Hyooge mobb away @ teh front, T $ky not in in it, tiem 4 teh l8 lunch! Come, Super D, let us dine! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!!1!] |
M Smith: | Pyraknees, looming, 4 sure! |
Omnes: | Don't u start! |
T Random (via Tw@ter): | Should C Froome RISPEK teh shinyjumper & ride 4 G Thomas? |
P York: | Yes. Yes, he ought 2. Also, no. |
Omnes: | |
P York: | ...and then T Panasonic threw all their bieks in2 teh swimming pool! Rock and, moreover, roll! |
M Smith: | SD Brailsford: WTF was he thinking? |
P York: | Fukn' numpty! Teh spectidiots r not going 2 chuck piss @ him, r they? |
Omnes: | A good point, P York, & well-made! |
| [...] |
Omnes: | Look, see! A Démare haz been thoroughly dropped out ov teh pelican's mitey beek & they ate'nt even reached teh proper mountains yet! |
N Bouhanni (via quipu): | A hahahaha! Wnkr! |
A Démare: | Where iz everybode? |
T FdJ: | We're not falling 4 that 1 agane, A Démare! |
A Démare: | Piss! U bstrds! |
| [...] |
P York: | ...I liked teh Pyraknees betta than teh Alpses! Maybe a Celtic thing! |
Bethany [8]: | How many kittehs u got, P York? |
P York: | |
M Smith: | Look, see! During teh shitverts P Gilbert has doned an assault attack! ***, ur ball! |
N Boulting: | w00t! Also, CP Sagan haz w1nz0red teh snottyjumper as long as he iz not abducted by aliens b4 Sunda! |
CP Sagan: | Job's a good 'un! Now I can b crazy agane! 4 sure! |
SD Millar: | ...teh tradition ov not taking teh shinyjumper iffen teh leader crashes out... |
G Thomas: | Shut! Up! |
P Gilbert: | Yay! Spottypoints 4 me & there4 not 4 W Barguil! |
Bethany [8]: | GIT!!1! |
J Alaphilippe: | Yay! Spottypoints 4 me & there4 not 4 W Barguil! |
Bethany [8]: | GIT!!1! |
P Gilbert: | O hai clouds o hai sky o hai wall! Arse! |
| [...] |
J Alaphilippe: | Yay! Moar spottypoints 4 me & none 4 W Barguil! |
Bethany [8] & W Barguil: | GIT!!1! |
M Smith: | Rite, we're off! P York ur prediction! |
P York: | G Thomas. Or C Froome. Or TD Windmill. |
Omnes: | |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! We r in Spaign-o! |
A Valverde: | Will ne1 notice if I go hoam? |
I Montoya] N Quintana: | Yes. Yes, I will. How can our triple-fckup strategy work iffen there r onli 2 ov us 2 fck up? |
N Farage: | Iz a metaphor 4 Brexit!1! |
Omnes: | Fck! Off! U paper-braned parcel ov custard! |
SD Millar: | T Moviestar will attack because I, TV's Super D Millar, say so! |
| [On teh Col de Portillon] |
SD Millar: | A Yates! |
N Boulting: | P Latour G Martin juniorshinyjumper! |
SD Millar: | A Yates! |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe? |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe! |
N Boulting: | A Yates!!1! |
SD Millar: | Nitro button! |
Omnes: | |
A Yates: | Hullo clouds hullo clouds hullo road! Piss! |
J Alaphilippe: | What a stroke ov luck, eh, readers! |
G Izzywizzy: | O hai, A Yates! |
A Yates: | FFS! |
B Mollema: | O hai, A Yates! |
D Potrzebl: | O hai, A Yates! |
A Yates: | FFS! 1st teh Bouncy Castle ov DOOM & now this? |
J Alaphilippe: | \o/ Also, RAAAWWWRRR! Poo on u, SD Brailsford! |
| [...] |
E Bernal: | Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! This iz fun! |
M Kwiatkowski: | Easy, tiger! |
E Bernal: | Spoilsport! |
G Thomas: | One down, er, sum moar 2 go! |
G Imlach: | All going 2 kick off 2moro! |
EC Boardman: | Oh yes! |