Yet Another Cycling Forum
Off Topic => The Pub => Topic started by: Maladict on 03 April, 2008, 10:51:11 pm
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Mine:
Don't forget to load the washing machine before setting it off.
(Actually I did load it a bit - my heart rate monitor strap was in there).
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Don't forget...sorry, can't remember what I was gonna say.
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When making filter coffee of a morning, failure to put coffee in the machine will result in an unacceptably thin and tasteless brew.
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Prior to setting your washing machine going, make sure your small child has not filled the powder tray with cat biscuits.
An important corollary to this tip is, prior to feeding your cats, to make sure their biscuits are not suspiciously white and fragrant.
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Prior to setting your washing machine going, make sure your small child has not filled the powder tray with cat biscuits.
An important corollary to this tip is, prior to feeding your cats, to make sure their biscuits are not suspiciously white and fragrant.
:D :D :D :D
New keyboard please, getting the remains of my sprayed lunch out of it is proving difficult
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Don't leave it til the day you need to drive to Wales later to remember why you can't find your sleeping bag or camping mat.
(they were left in a rucksack on the train on the day after the Cheddar Gorge 300 last year)
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When getting off your bike for the first time after a two week holiday, dont unclip the left, put the left foot down, and then lean over to the right past the center of gravity.
If you do, you will fall over in an embarrasing zero speed clipless moment. >:(
If you forget this advice, an appropriate and satisfying phrase is "shitbuggerarseholepisscockfart"
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If your son is 22. Try not to forget your keys when going out to the pub. He and his friend may be "busy" when you want to get back in the house.
Sorry son. :-[ ;D
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An afternoon's entertainment can be had in picking tiny bits of paper tissue off your laundry. To prepare, simply throw the clothes in the wash without checking the pockets...
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If you're at work and a document didn't seem to print, check you actually clicked the Print icon in the first place.
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If you're at work and a document didn't seem to print, check you actually clicked the Print icon in the first place.
If you're at work and a 100 page document didn't seem to print then it's worth checking whether the printer you've selected is the right one, on the right floor, in the right building, in the right country.
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When you have a highly confidential letter of a private and personal nature, double and triple check that you are not about to send it to the printer in your firm's satellite office five miles away where you will be unable to retrieve it for at least an hour.
Do not ask me how I know this :-[
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Do not shut a computer down whilst there is still a spreadsheet in the print queue.
A spreadsheet that shows £0 in the budget column next year for the best friend of the other person who has access to the computer.
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Sending an E Mail to your client telling them that their suppliers are a bunch of retarded morons, and copying in same supplier, is possibly not a good idea.
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Sending an e-mail to a client calling him a "smegbucket" is not recommended.
My sister did this, and still managed to flog him one of her paintings. He was in America and probably thought it was a British term of endearment.
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An afternoon's entertainment can be had in picking tiny bits of paper tissue off your laundry. To prepare, simply throw the clothes in the wash without checking the pockets...
Entertainment value may be increased by using this idea with the 'dark' wash.
Tissues with wet strength and kitchen towels have poor entertainment value.
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On the laundry front, an interesting fragrance can be imparted on your cycling clothes if, before loading in your dirty cycling kit, you add a white spirit soaked cloth to your washing machine and then forget to put the machine on for a whole day. Due to the joys of organic chemistry and the properties man-made fibres, the resulting aroma could last almost indefinitely.
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If you rush putting a new tube on and refitting the tyre, and then pump it up with out noticing that the tube is pinched under the the tyre bead, do not worry: you will soon know about it. For added effect, do it in the kitchen where there are no soft furnishings to deaden the blast. You then get to admire the ragged hole (lovely starburst pattern) that almost reaches all the way around the tube and certainly isn't patchable.
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Before going to the corner shop, remember that earlier on you took your bra off, and put it back on.
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Before going to the corner shop, remember that earlier on you took your bra off, and put it back on.
Did you get a discount?
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No, sadly not.
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Ensure when sending a text message containing the phrase "phone me about "xxxx", you'll never guess what she has f***ed up now!" that you do not then send it to "xxxx"
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When bitching about a forum member with another forum member on msn, type the bitching into the msn box, not the forum in question.
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Sending an e-mail to a client calling him a "smegbucket" is not recommended.
My sister did this, and still managed to flog him one of her paintings. He was in America and probably thought it was a British term of endearment.
;D
Fortunately some of us over here have access to Red Dwarf. Oh, must head off to the Good News thread...
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When you've been working on a report for 2 days, don't just save it to a memory stick
if you do, don't take the memory stick with you to Spain
If you do, don't leave it behind at the x-ray machine at Madrid airport :(
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Don't test-fire your coke can stove under the fire alarm. ;D
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Don't lay tongue and groove flooring from both sides of a room. Especially if you've glued it....
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Do not place your toaster beneath your shiny new condensing boiler. It's not as heat resistant as your old boiler.
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Sending an e-mail to a client calling him a "smegbucket" is not recommended.
My sister did this, and still managed to flog him one of her paintings. He was in America and probably thought it was a British term of endearment.
;D
Fortunately some of us over here have access to Red Dwarf. Oh, must head off to the Good News thread...
Is there any term ending in "bucket" that could reasonably be taken as one of endearment?
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Before berating the IT people about how long it is taking to set up your account, check that you are spelling the password correctly... :-[
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Before putting the top back on the meths bottle after your latest round of stove-testing, ensure that it isn't actually on fire.
:-[
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When your new snugpak sleeping bag arrives, don't assume that the D-tab on the bag is there to allow easy removal of the bag from the pack bag. The resulting ripping sound and dis-attachment of said D-ring will confirm to you that this is not its intended use; although you will be given the opportunity to brush up on your sewing skills.
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Sending an e-mail to a client calling him a "smegbucket" is not recommended.
My sister did this, and still managed to flog him one of her paintings. He was in America and probably thought it was a British term of endearment.
;D
Fortunately some of us over here have access to Red Dwarf. Oh, must head off to the Good News thread...
Is there any term ending in "bucket" that could reasonably be taken as one of endearment?
hornbucket
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When working in a customer's premises and you unplug one of their electrical appliances so you can power your laptop, remember to reconnect said appliance. The sad demise of expensive tropical fish never goes down well.
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When you are 12 years old and still have your bedside lamp on well after lights out, do not try and remove the plug which is stuck in the wall socket by using a penknife as a lever between the plug and the socket.
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Don't try to light a cloth you've soaked in calor gas, (by holding it over the top of the bottle and releasing said gas with a nail)
It will go bang, cause a bit of a fireball and you'll lose the hair on your legs and arms. The shed was still standing though :thumbsup:
Things you try when you are young ::-)
Rich.
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Resurrected after this weekend:-
When going on a 600km Audax it's best to carry your Pitlock Security Skewer Key with you, rather than leaving it on your keyring in your bag at the start/finish.
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When working in a customer's premises and you unplug one of their electrical appliances so you can power your laptop, remember to reconnect said appliance. The sad demise of expensive tropical fish never goes down well.
One my Father wishes he'd taken heed of, when going on holiday do not switch off all power to the outbuildings, especially if said outbuildings contain your prized collection of tropical fish, which you have arranged for a frined to come and feed during said holiday!
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I have far too many to mention right now but here are a couple to keep you going.
When you have painted a garden chair and feel a little tired, move away from the painting area and sit somewhere else, not on the chair you have just painted.
When riding your pony backwards don't expect things to go quite according to plan.
If your horse abandons you in the sea and heads for home and home is several miles away either have money to make a phone call or a pair of roller skates in your pocket.
If you plan to sneak out of the house at silly o'clock without your parents finding out then make sure you are home before the milk man.
O:-)
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If you invite a little pussy into your house :o be prepared for it to sneak its way back in at 04:00 through the window.
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If you plan to go on a long ride, don't ride so much in the week before that your knees are knackered.
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Do not let cats eat rubberbands.
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Do not let cats eat rubberbands.
HA! do you not know that you can't stop a cat doing anything? It only allows you to think you have stopped it doing something, and then only if it is feeling generous towards you...
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Don't go anywhere near my mate Rupert if holding, possessing or wearing anything flammable. Including hair.
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Don't ride across Shap in a gale. ::-)
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Sending an e-mail to a client calling him a "smegbucket" is not recommended.
My sister did this, and still managed to flog him one of her paintings. He was in America and probably thought it was a British term of endearment.
;D
Fortunately some of us over here have access to Red Dwarf. Oh, must head off to the Good News thread...
Is there any term ending in "bucket" that could reasonably be taken as one of endearment?
"Theresaholeinmybucket, Dear..."?
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When climbing on to the roof of your house, using a ladder that is too short by a couple of feet, and then discovering that the slates are slippery enough that you have to scrabble to get to the safety of the ridge, by which time you've forgotten where the now invisible ladder is, and going to the edge of the roof to dangle an experimental foot over is not an option, and your partner's gone out...
...erm...
...perhaps I started this at the wrong point.
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Which reminds me.
Don't, when painting the window at the top of the stairs, balance with one foot on the window sill and the other on the bannister rail (which, of course, slopes a bit). The coefficient of friction between the rail and your foot might not be high enough to sustain this position.
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When riding slowly over a cattle grid, don't focus more on clipping back in than in keeping the front wheel straight.
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And, if you must do the above, it's better when you're on your own, rather than with a group of mates.
"I shagga da one sheep.........."
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when fitting new forks, dont forget that you need to add the thickness of the stem to the length of the headtube & spacers **before** you cut.
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when fitting new forks, dont forget that you need to add the thickness of the stem to the length of the headtube & spacers **before** you cut.
Ah: Measure once. Buy twice.
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When standing up after a spot of sunbathing do make sure your bikini bottoms are tied before attempting to do so :-[
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Always try to sunbathe in the same vicinity as annie :thumbsup:
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Not sutre if this has already been posted but when transporting your lovely new bike on the roof don't go into a multi story carpark.
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Always try to sunbathe in the same vicinity as annie :thumbsup:
I won't be doing that again in a hurry. Fortunately there weren't any walkers along the river path this time. Unlike last year when the wheels fell off the bed and I jumped up :-[
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Always try to sunbathe in the same vicinity as annie :thumbsup:
I won't be doing that again in a hurry. Fortunately there weren't any walkers along the river path this time. Unlike last year when the wheels fell off the bed and I jumped up :-[
Oh, the images! ;D
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Not sutre if this has already been posted but when transporting your lovely new bike on the roof don't go into a multi story carpark.
Apologies for the diversion form the topic, but this did remind me of a spectacle I saw at a toll station on a French motorway last month - three lovely racing bikes on a car roof slamming into a sign that contained a warning not to drive under it with bikes on the roof of your car. ::-)
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When the nurse says it might sting a bit, try and down 2 bottles of Mettaxxa before she does it*
*Refers to a lumber puncture I had today. Never felt so bad in my life.
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Always try to sunbathe in the same vicinity as annie :thumbsup:
I won't be doing that again in a hurry.
Actually, the slower the better.
:-*
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When the nurse says it might sting a bit, try and down 2 bottles of Mettaxxa before she does it*
*Refers to a lumber puncture I had today. Never felt so bad in my life.
Everyone is different and my lumbar puncture was a total non-event. I've had more trouble picking a zit!
(My personal experience from the other side is that the procedure is really difficult to perform on thick-set Asian men. Sorry, I seldom had trouble doing them on others!)
Make sure you have lots of soft drinks over the next few days and lie down at the first hint of a headache if possible.
Thinking of you...
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Especially those with a fooked lower back.
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Always try to sunbathe in the same vicinity as annie :thumbsup:
I won't be doing that again in a hurry.
Actually, the slower the better.
:-*
;)
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Not sutre if this has already been posted but when transporting your lovely new bike on the roof don't go into a multi story carpark.
Apologies for the diversion form the topic, but this did remind me of a spectacle I saw at a toll station on a French motorway last month - three lovely racing bikes on a car roof slamming into a sign that contained a warning not to drive under it with bikes on the roof of your car. ::-)
Did that! Got away with slight scuff on saddle. :-[
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If you check your clock properly in the morning you may find that you actually did have time to make lunch and that could've avoided having to get a crappy sandwich from the pub next-door ::-) :-[
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If you check your clock properly in the morning you may find that you actually did have time to make lunch and that could've avoided having to get a crappy sandwich from the pub next-door ::-) :-[
Or (TheLurker's own patented solution to lunchtime tristesse) make all your sandwiches for the week on the Sunday and bang em in the fridge. Notes. Make sure you use fresh bread and fillings that aren't too, err ooozy.
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A torque wrench is not a substitute for a brain. ::-)
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Don't go for a cut throat razer shave if your usual barber ain't in.
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A torque wrench is not a substitute for a brain. ::-)
Boy, I learned that one....
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When camping in the Alps, shoot all the Murmeltier near your tent, just in case.
The dear sweet Murmeltier, with their sqeaky call, and the cute way they watch you from on top of a rock, without hiding!
Shoot the bastard.
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A visible red thread running round your worn-out tyre will attract the attention of the faerie. Change the tyre and you'll have fewer visitations. ::-)
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Top-Tip: Orange and Ginger* Nuun. :sick:
*Just a hint it says!
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"If you don't test something, it won't work."
or
"It's always the things you don't test!"
etc
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If you don't have it with you, you will need to use it (and vice versa).
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If you want someone to follow a script while not listening to you - call the helpline for a well known ISP >:(
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When sending an extremely graphic video clip of your man-bits putting millions of little Y-chromosomes onto a pic of your gf, it is best to tripple check the forename of the person with the correct surname in your phone.
Especially if you are living with your gf's mother.
And it isn't very long until dinner.
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When sending an extremely graphic video clip of your man-bits putting millions of little Y-chromosomes onto a pic of your gf, it is best to tripple check the forename of the person with the correct surname in your phone.
Especially if you are living with your gf's mother.
And it isn't very long until dinner.
Dirty boy.... ;D
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When sending an extremely graphic video clip of your man-bits putting millions of little Y-chromosomes onto a pic of your gf, it is best to tripple check the forename of the person with the correct surname in your phone.
Especially if you are living with your gf's mother.
And it isn't very long until dinner.
This disturbs me on so many levels ;D
Top tip:
Dont ask your ex wife a question about your daughter if you dont want it reported back to her out of context, rephrased and with a certain spin on it >:(
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Don't work in social work if you want to retain any enthusiasm for your job, people or being alive.
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Don't work in social work if you want to retain any enthusiasm for your job, people or being alive.
Kirst,
Your post sounded so pathetic that I had to click on your signature. If it helps cheer you up, I thought this bit was really funny:I decided to use the justgiving site because if I die in the course of the ride (67 miles !) your donation will still get to LEPRA
(I think the ride was last month, so hopefully this won't come back and bite me).
(I hope it WAS supposed to be funny ... )
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I had a shit day at work, but I'm off next week so I can forget about it all then. I didn't die on the LEPRA ride, although the hill outside Freuchie made me wish I did - but it was meant to be funny so I'm glad you laughed.
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When sending an extremely graphic video clip of your man-bits putting millions of little Y-chromosomes onto a pic of your gf, it is best to tripple check the forename of the person with the correct surname in your phone.
Especially if you are living with your gf's mother.
And it isn't very long until dinner.
What this thread needs is pictures!
:demon:
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No. It doesn't. >:(
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When placing a roof rack, roof box and cycle carrier complete with cycle, for display purposes, on a very expensive NEW *** in the showroom do try to ensure that the tailgate will still open and clear the roof furniture, thus avoiding VERY expensive - and extensive - paintwork damage to a *** **'s tailgate and preventing the accidental bid for freedom from the bike out of the plate glass showroom window.
Whatever else you do DO NOT RUN SCREAMING 'OH SHIT!' PAST THE DEALER PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE as this only attracts the wrong kind of attention
Please, nobody, ask how I know this . . .
luv'n'stuff
J
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That reminds me of this one.
Do not fix a bike securely to a roof rack, and then drive into a height restricted car park, resulting in bent bike, bent roof rack, and bent car roof.
You will be mightily pissed off.
Don't ask me how my brothers friend knows this one.
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That reminds me of this one.
Do not fix a bike securely to a roof rack, and then drive into a height restricted car park, resulting in bent bike, bent roof rack, and bent car roof.
You will be mightily pissed off.
Don't ask me how my brothers friend knows this one.
Someone not far from here has that tshirt too. ;)
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That reminds me of this one.
Do not fix a bike securely to a roof rack, and then drive into a height restricted car park, resulting in bent bike, bent roof rack, and bent car roof.
You will be mightily pissed off.
Don't ask me how my brothers friend knows this one.
Someone not far from here has that tshirt too. ;)
Ahmen to that :-[
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When you get to work and you're swiping yourself in and you hear something fall to the floor, look around you thoroughly before deciding you can't see anything and moving your bike to help you look again. This will save you rolling the back wheel over your cycling glasses and will avoid you having to tape the leg back on Jack Duckworth-style.
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It's easy to avoid washing up your dinner plate if you drop three pans onto it and break it into tiny pieces.
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Do not put your (white) Toblerone on the desk next to the cooling fan on your laptop.
(cooling fans don't give out cool air!)
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Dark chocolate has a higher melting point...
... but would still melt.
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If you are going on honeymoon and there is a hire car waiting for you at the destination. Always remember to pack your driving licence.
In the event you have forgotten your driving licence it's handy to have booked a midday flight and have been bought a night in an airport hotel by your in-laws the night before - that way there is time following the 6am swearing session to drive home (always at the speed limit ::-)) and collect it thus negating the benefit of the very kind gift from said in-laws.