G Imlach: | O hai! & o woe, o waily waily, 4 'tis teh finle da ov teh Tour ov France & ur anyul rofflefest wif me, TV's G Imlach! Wot a amazeballs tiem-trail that woz yesterda, hein? |
TD Windmill: | Iz 1 wa ov puttin' it! |
WV Aert: | Yeah, how come T Pogačar's [“kumquats” – Ed.] woz so much MOAR [“ripe” – Ed.] than, er, um… u ent seed me, rite? |
G Imlach: | R u suggestin' T Pogačar haz bin takin'… [“FRUIT” – Ed.]?!?!? |
TD Windmill & WV Aert: | |
EC Boardman: | Ahahahaha! F Landis! Hahahahahaha! [“Fruit” – Ed.]! Oh yes! |
NC Boardman: | Well, he mite b teh nex' E Merckx. Unless WV Aert alredi got that 1 sewed up… |
TP Kennaugh: | I doan nom fruit! I lieks it, but I doan nom it! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
G Imlach: | Maed 4 gud televizh ne wa! TV's *** Boulting had 2 chaeng hiz trousis aftawuds! Roffle! |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all! |
Bethany (10): | Doan liek u, TD Windmill! U pwned mi Da… R Uran, u git! |
5: | 'ang on, Bef’ny! I fink he’s a yumsi hunksta afta orl! Daddy! Will u bi him 4 me? |
Bethany (10): | Dekrativ perhapz, iffen u liek that sorta fing, but ur still a GIT, TD Windmill!!1! A gr8 big, er, gitty 1!!2! |
5: | Huh! I s'poze U fanci that M Vos! |
TD Windmill: | Er, I haz teh pria engajmunt! [Exit, pursued bi a 5…] |
SD Millar: | Iffen teh ladeez haz finnisht there contretemps, I er, um… sorry. Lost mi trane ov thort! |
Omnes: | Tri Kings X stashn, Super D, platform 9 3/4! Or woz u thinkin' Impuer Thorts about M Vos 2? A-hub a-hub-hub-hub ect! |
Bethany (10): | U disgust me! Smash teh patriarky!!1! |
G Imlach: | Stop it, kiddiz, or u c'n orl go 2 bed wifout ne suppa! |
Bethany (10): | She started it! |
EO Aquitaine: | U'll nevva b a kween wif that sort ov attitued, Bethany (10)! |
Bethany (10): | Doan wanna b a sili ol' kween! I wanna b a dicktato! Wif tanks! Loadsa tankz0rz! [Stamps foot…] |
Omnes: | U'll probly havter join teh Monsta Ravin' Tory Partei 1st! & haz BS Johnson's babeez LOLZ0RZ! |
Bethany (10): | Lissen, u tw@s, teh onli peops I h8 MOAR than teh patriarky iz teh FUKN TORY PARTEI!!1! 'ere, u doan rekn them 2 creepz0rz in sootz was tryna recroot pore ickle me in2 teh Borris Jugend, do u? |
Omnes: | Even BS Johnson haz hiz limitz! |
Bethany (10): | Thass a releef! |
G Imlach: | They gro up so fast theez das! NE wa, iffen teh tork ov [“fruit” – Ed.] contane a grane ov troof, mite it b becoz Coronalurgi haz had teh effect on out-ov-competishun [“fruit” – Ed.] testin'? |
NC Boardman: | Probly coz teh testas went 2 Slovakia insted ov Slovenia! |
G Imlach: | Tiny P Kennaugh, ur predict0rz on teh rest da woz spot-on! |
TP Kennaugh: | Woz jus' me rootin' 4 teh undakitteh! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
G Imlach: | Niec C, ur no fanz0r ov teh tittin' about wif shampain ect so u'll b plezed 2 lern it ent hapnin this yere becoz Coronalurgi! |
NC Boardman: | Corl me ole-fashund, but I liek 2 wotch biek racin', not tittin' about! |
TP Kennaugh: | Teh Chomps Elizee staeg iz ded hard, liek gangstas in sement, iffen u haz a sprint0r on ur teme. Uphill, coblestoenz0rz, barmi Beljuns donin' futile assault attackz0rz. Nuffink liek that on teh Isle ov Man! |
G Imlach: | I sumariz0rz teh raec. Wif added LOLZ0RZ! Nice… masks… J Castex… C Prudhomme… rane… chute… T Martin… Ooh-Ar-Eh… J Alaphilippe… botlegaet… A Yatesyeh… P Roglič… WV Aert… T Pogačar… CP Sagan… S Bennett… T Sunweb… yoof… E Bernal… spectidiots… seeneri… tiem-trail… 1989! Wif added LOLZ0RZ! |
| […] |
D Friebe: | O hai! I am in teh Paris wile u, u r not! Look, see! [Indicates teh Paris…] Here! G Lemond sez T Pogačar iz gonna b a gr8 champion! |
G Lemond: | He's rite, u kno! |
N Boulting: | O hai! T Pogačar! Hiz shinybiek caem overnite from teh Italy! |
Omnes: | Dint it orta b self-kwarunteenin'? |
N Boulting: | Shut! Up! Look, see! A château! Louee Katorze Mary Antonet! |
SD Millar: | |
N Boulting: | We haz on teh fone S Piquet, wot iz part ov teh raec direction! O hai, S Piquet! |
S Piquet: | Crrrrrb… I haz spiezorz evryware in teh pelican… barrrrrp… |
SD Millar: | O hai, S Piquet! Ur most memrabl bit ov teh raec? |
S Piquet: | Nnnnzzzzzt… chute bang wolop I Montoya N Quintana R Bardet… rrrrrrz… kweene staeg… drrrb… teh AWSUM!1! |
N Boulting: | So, teh French rid0rz. Afta T Pinot J Alaphilippe last yere howz it bin in teh France? |
S Piquet: | Hhnnrfff… woz popla in teh 1st weke but afta J Alaphilippe lost teh shinyjumper & T Pinot doned a useless they orl switched off & went 2 teh pubbe… qrrzzzzd [NO CARRIER] |
| […] |
C Russo: | \o/ Spottypwn! |
Omnes: | Who r u? |
M Rendell: | O hai! Look, see! Teh Palis ov Vers-Eye! |
EO Aquitaine: | Cor! Y they not haz that when I woz aliev? |
M Rendell: | Teh raec! I's shokt! & stund! Shokt AND stund! |
NC Boardman: | Noone died, u kno! 5 peops haz pwned teh junior- & senior shinyjumpers since 1975. Teh yungest pwnz0r ov teh Tour ov France woz n-n-n-n-n-n-nineteen (19)! |
M Rendell: | Onli coz teh 5 rid0rz in front ov him got diskwalifc8d! |
EC Boardman: | Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
M Rendell: | Teh performants ov TUAE Emirates will pleze teh Shakes ov Araby! |
EO Aquitaine: | Noone will get thare heds chopt off? |
M Rendell: | No. |
EO Aquitaine: | Bof! |
TP Kennaugh: | P Roglič sez it ent ez bein' Sloveeni! Bit liek bein' Manx! |
NC Boardman: | Thass coz evry1 finks its ware CP Sagan comes from! |
M Rendell: | 1979! J Zoetemelk assault attack on teh finle staeg! Chaesd bi B Blair-o who pwned teh staeg! J Zoetemelk got assault attacked bi a car in Paris 2da! Booo! |
Omnes: | GWS, J Zoetemelk! |
EO Aquitaine: | Find teh driva, tortuer him horibli & then chop off hiz hed! |
EC Boardman: | This Unit hereby endorses this product, service or sentiment! |
M Rendell: | 1st tiem teh juniorshinyjumper teh shinyjumper & teh spottyjumper haz orl bene pwned bi teh saem rid0r! E Merckx pwned teh snottyjumper teh mntns & teh raec in 1969 also 6 staegs & teh soopacombativité & teh mrs joyful priez 4 rafia wurk & would ov pwned teh juniorshinyjumper 2 iffen they'd ov had 1. But they dint. |
NC Boardman: | |
TP Kennaugh: | WV Aert! Ent nevvah bin noone wot u'd tip 2 pwn a mntn tiem-trail on 1 da & a bunch sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE teh next! Not even from teh Isle ov Man! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh Paris! Y not visit Paris on ur holibobs next year? See sa grande tour d'acier, son arc de triomphe, son métro intéressant, ses pickpockets, ses chiens agressifs, ses serveurs incroyablement grossiers et la carcasse noircie de sa cathédrale! |
A Hidalgo+: | Do not botha comin' 2 teh Paris nxt yere, *** Boulting! Ur no welcom! |
E Macrobe: | Teh saem fing appli 2 teh hole ov France, *** Boulting! U div! |
N Boulting: | Nooooooooooo! |
EC Boardman: | Class! |
EO Aquitaine: | C'n I chop hiz hed off? Priti pleez? |
N Boulting: | Look, see! A big buildin'! |
| [Caption: L'Opera Garnier] |
N Boulting: | Iz teh Church ov teh Maddy-Len! |
A Hidalgo: | |
R Uran: | [Spredz armz0rz…] La Loovra! Ent Paris… BRILLIANT!1! |
N Boulting: | Finali! Teh Chomps Elizee! |
T Pelican: | Hurrah! |
N Boulting: | Futile assault attack! TEFE First! N Powerless! |
SD Millar: | Oh. They haz bin cort. No surpries thare! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! L' Army de le Airo! There l8! |
S/L le Biggles: | Soz! We got 'ere az kwik az we cud! U liek mi plaen? |
SD Millar: | Assault attack! Iz TD Gendt! Oh. They haz bin cort. |
| […] |
SD Millar: | Reely no Nogweegie Corna this yere! |
N Boulting: | Boooo! Did I tell u mi Nogweegie stor… |
Omnes: | Y, yes, ***! Yes, u did! |
N Boulting: | Finali we haz a proppa break! GV Laundromat C Swift PL Perisher M Schachmann! |
M Schachmann: | \o/ Snottypwn! |
S Bennett: | Yay! Mathematikli saef! |
CP Sagan: | FUKN cyclin'! |
5’s Mummy: | Ai shan’t warn you again, young man! |
CP Sagan: | sozmissispoulidorfanshaw! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wile u woz bein’ sold crap teh breakfroupthing haz 20” secondz on teh pelican. |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | S Bennett! |
SD Millar: | S Bennett! CP Sagan’s rane iz ova! Liek I bin sayin' teh hole raec! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh Paris haz installd biek lanez0rz on teh Chomps Elizee wot mene teh rid0rz c'n't use teh gutta 2 get off ov teh coblestoenz0rz! |
SD Millar: | Mi wurd! So they haz! |
N Boulting: | Mite T Sunweb lornch a l8 sneeki 1 wif M Hirschi or SK Andersen? |
SD Millar: | No. |
N Boulting: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! Oh! Chute! E Theuns! |
E Theuns: | Ow! Sumtiems I h8 this job! |
N Boulting: | Wot mite hapn iffen teh pwn0r ov teh shinyjumper doned a chute now? Not tho it's evvah hapnd… |
EC Boardman: | That'd b a larf, eh? Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
SD Millar: | He’s gotta finnish teh staeg. |
N Boulting: | Mite teh shinyboiz wate 4 him & let teh sprint0rz do thare thing? |
SD Millar: | FFS! I! Doan! Kno! |
N Boulting: | Ooooh, tetchy!!1! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wile u woz bein’ sold crap 0 hav hapnd! Xepshunul circumstants! |
SD Millar: | I doan liek it! Iz 2 kwiet! |
N Boulting: | Duz that mene teh natievs will assault attack soon? |
SD Millar: | Teh Roo de Ravioli orta b teh corldron ov noyze, not a fukn semetary! |
5’s Mummy: | Super D Millar! Wash your mouth out with artisanal organic soap! |
SD Millar: | sozmissispoulidorfanshaw! |
N Boulting: | Weird seezn! Teh Wurrrld Championships next weke then strate 2 teh Giro ov Italy, wot overlaps teh Vuelta ov Spaign-o, wile teh Spring Classix iz hapnin' @ teh saem tiem! |
SD Millar: | Innit! |
N Boulting: | It mite rane on Paris-Roobay! |
EC Boardman: | Oh, I do hoap so! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
SD Millar: | Teh sprint0rz' temes closin' down teh breakfroupthing! TD Gendt P Rolland! |
N Boulting: | TJ Visma! T Martin! |
SD Millar: | Mite c WV Aert get a proppa lede-out 2da! |
WV Aert: | We doan nede no steenkin' lede-out tranez0rz! |
C Swift: | I h8 this! Bai, breakfroupthing! |
T Bell: | Ding &, moreover, dong!!1! |
SD Millar: | M Kwiatkowski assault attack! Oh. He haz bin cort. |
TDQ Step: | R Cavagna? |
R Cavagna: | Who, me? |
TDQ Step: | Yes, u! Bring bak that breakfroupthing! |
R Cavagna: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! |
N Boulting: | T Sunweb vs TJ Visma! |
SD Millar: | TJ Visma leev T Sunweb 2 it! WV Aert 2 fend 4 hisself! |
N Boulting: | T Sunweb in disarra! Sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE!1! |
S Bennett: | \o/ Niec 1, TDQ Step in jenrl & M Mørkøv in particla! |
T Pogačar: | Thank fck that's ova! Wot hapns now? |
Omnes: | U run up & down teh stares ov teh podium. A lot! |
R Kluge: | Yay! Teh lantirn rogue iz mien orl MIEN!!1! |
| [Interveiwz0rz wif S Bennett & T Pogačar…] |
G Imlach: | Thare still bildin' teh podium! Hear iz sum pikchas ov France! |
N Boulting: | S Bennett staeg pwn! M Hirschi soopa combat-o! |
Nasal USAnian on teh PA: | …ELIGHT sprint0rz… |
Omnes: | WTF did he jus' sa? |
N Boulting: | S Bennett snottyjumper! Xitin'! |
SD Millar: | Normli iz orl ova bi 1/2wa. CP Sagan orta retier. I, TV's SD Millar, decree it thus! |
N Boulting: | T Pogačar spottyjumper! & aktually teh bestest climba 2! Menewile, we sent ect. |
D Friebe: | O hai! O hai, A Yates! |
A Yates: | erniecyehguderaggressivyeh. ershinyyehuosdownsyehpritiguder. yehpritiappier. yeh. |
D Friebe: | Nope. Absolutely 0 ideer. |
N Boulting: | T Pogačar juniorshinyjumper! Not unprezidented E Merckx B Blair-o L Fignon E Bernal! We sent ect. |
D Friebe: | O hai! O hai, WV Aert! |
WV Aert: | [Interestin' Stuffs] Priti gud Tour ov France, also end racism! |
D Friebe: | Taek noet, A Yates! That's how u do it! |
A Yates: | er. yeh. |
N Boulting: | T Pogačar shinyjumper! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Teh podium teh Sloveen Maffia & R Porte. P Roglič haz a Tiny wif 'im. |
ML Maire: | Disapproov. Not durin' teh nashnul anfems et al. |
Omnes: | Speach! Speach! |
T Pogačar: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! Incredible amazin' teme famli… |
Roglič Minor: | Waaaaaaaa! |
G Imlach: | Teme priez! T Moviestar! |
Omnes: | Noone caers, u kno! |
T Moviestar’s AI: | +++ ¿LA MISMA HORA EL PRÓXIMO AÑO? +++ |
| […] |
Mr Gabbitas: | Rite. Teh sili biek raec iz ova, Mr Terminator. We must striek wile teh ion iz hot! |
| [Much, much l8r…] |
I Andy: | Hullooo? NE 1 their? Me & mi iguanaz haz bin watin' 3 wekes now! Hullooo? Hullooo? |
| |
+ | The Mayor ov Paris, that's who. |
Awardz0rz will b published 2moro, coz I ate’nt writted 'em yet.